We all face difficult times in our lives that can lead to stress. How do we deal with it, learn from it, and manage it? Tar'Lese is no stranger to dealing with stress; however, she is not confined by it either. Listen to how Tar'Lese takes you from dealing with parents who committed suicide, to life-threatening injuries to her body, to living a life on her own terms by using stress management tools.
In this episode:
• Tar’lese shares how she starts teaching people how to get rid of stress.
• Tar’lese and Joseph discuss the challenges they have overcome and how they surpassed them.
• Tar’lese talks about addressing and processing emotional pain, and focusing on identifying and acknowledging feelings rather than avoiding or suppressing them.
• People only share their highlights and best moments on social media, so don't compare yourself to others.
• Taking the first step is to assess the situation.
• There is no right or wrong, nor good or bad, you have to release the emotions you've been bottling up and then address them.
1. "At the end of the day, when you're going through your own stuff, it feels like no one else understands."
2. "Vulnerability brings healing to us, but it's our transparency that brings healing to other people."
3. "Pushing through the pushing through is really pushing away."
Connect with Tar'lese Rideaux at:
Connect with Joseph James:
Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/252908273026721
Joseph: Hey everyone, and welcome to another great show podcast, Purpose Through Pain. I have an amazing guest today that has gone through some hell in her life, and she's here to share that with you today, but ultimately to help you turn that adversity into assets. She is the owner of Body Brains and Bank Account, Tar'lese Rideaux. Thank you so much, Tar'lese Rideaux, thank you so much for coming to the show. It's truly an honor that we've finally been able to connect and…
Joseph: It's like we communicate back and forth on Facebook and we try to plan things out and then, one thing that, the reason why those that are, listen, the reason why I brought Tar'lese on is the fact that not only is she busy, but she is completely okay when things start to shift in her life. To be able to just say, you know what? I need a break and I need that mental break, and that's ultimately what I was so impressed because it's very easy to least to, be so busy with life and then feel like we can't ever do it. So welcome to the show.
Tar'lese: Hey, thanks for having me. I'm excited for this conversation. You know what, we, like you said, we connected so long ago, and it's funny because I remember when you first started the podcast, that's why I said, how many episodes have you had? And I'm like, what? Oh my gosh. So congrats to you for, continuing to show up and interview awesome people. But I'm looking forward to this conversation for sure.
Joseph: Yes, absolutely. Now, before the show, we were talking about your name and where it derived from, and then of course, not knowing certain things about your life that you don't want to but ultimately, you talk about and you teach people how to get rid of stress in seven days or less, and that is like when we start putting numbers to things and it's always bold when you're like, Hey, it can be done in a certain amount of time. How do you go about doing that? Where did you get at a point in your life that you're like, I've gotta start teaching people how to get rid of stress, what was going on in your life that you felt the need to do that?
Tar'lese: So I ran a accountability program, a 90 day accountability program for entrepreneurs, and what I realized after running that program for seven years over and over by 90 days, is that it's like. When you pack for a vacation, if you give yourself a week to pack, you're going to probably take that week to pack, if you say you have to pack today, then you're gonna pack today. And so what I noticed is, although our container was 90 days, there are so many things that people could have done more quickly or in a shorter amount of time, and so for the stress management, so I do, there's a seven step essentially each day of those seven days as a, that, first we uncover and identify. Then we figure out our pain points and each day goes through something. But it's very interesting because it's only about 10 minutes a day that I'm spending over this week and having the them journal, but in those 70 minutes you figure, 10 minutes a day for seven days, and those 70 minutes people are getting more done during that time than they were doing in the 90 days. And so my accountability program was based around what my brand is, which is Body brains bank accounts physical wellness, health and wellness, mental and, personal development and then earning an income and making, making money, and so we focused on Body Brains Bank account. But what I noticed, is that when the clients were coming and talking to me or when we would do our huddle, during the week they were stressed about home life or not connecting with their children or, work was stressing them out and they thought that they were coming to me for, the money making aspect of it or, learning social media. But at the end of the day, it was so much deeper than that because, one thing that I've noticed after doing this for nine years, I've been a stress management coach for nine years, is stress doesn't care how old you are, what color your skin is, how much money you make, where you live in the world, everyone that I know has something that is on their mind that they're stressing about. And what I've noticed over the years is that it's usually because people are. So worried about something that has not happened yet, so it's in the future and they're making, their mind monkeys are going and they're worried about something that hasn't happened, or they're continually beating themselves up about something from the past, something that happened. They don't wanna redo that horrible thing, or they haven't been able to forgive someone, and so like in the present moment, they've realized that they're not really stressed right now. It's about something that could happen or something that did happen, and so I just started focusing on that of give me a week. Let's put everything out on the table, I used to be a lifeguard and the first thing that you do in your lifeguard is you serve at a scene, you're like, are you okay? Are you okay? You assess the situation, and so I think that a lot of people, because they're so worried about the future or they're concerned with the past, that they don't take a minute to just. Put all the cards on the table, survey the scene and see what's going on right now, and then move forward from like a place of power versus, being stressed out about stuff that isn't real, like a lot of times it's just these stories or these mind monkeys that people are allowing to completely control their day.
Joseph: Yeah, no doubt. So what was it that was going through your life that you're like, I need to start down this journey. What was it happening within you? Because you've definitely, I've seen you share some things on social media and we've talked before, like you've gone through some stuff and of course recently you lost your dad, and I'm sorry to hear that, but, what I mean besides just the business aspect of things, what were you going through personally that's just and I gotta create this, like I need it for me.
Tar'lese: Yeah, so I gotta say I'm so grateful for what I teach because I really am a product of the product. I had so many issues in the past, it's interesting ‘cause like the other day I made a list of like my bad things that happened, quote unquote, and I was like, I had a splash flood at my house where my first floor was flooded, both of my cars were ruined, both of my parents committed suicide, I've been in the hospital with a cancerous tumor in my eye, which resulted in months in the hospital. So like I was there for a long time because of an infection, I like, just so many things have happened, I was in a near death car accident where I had to drop outta school and I was in rehabilitation for months and couldn't move, and so all of these things, I think that like maybe one person or one parent taking their life and then another parent and like one of those individual incidences I think would affect anyone, like you can only be so strong, but I felt like I had one thing after another, and so I just had to like, and when I was younger it was like I went to drugs and alcohol, ‘cause that made me feel better, and even recently I was like, why am I having a drink? Why am I having a seltzer right now? What am I trying to avoid? So I had to like, come up with better tools than just trying to mask the pain and to feel better, and so I tap into meditation or breathing exercises or journaling or stretching, and so I found ways outside of my vices, if you will to help me, and then I realize I'm doing this all the time, I'm using these tools all the time, I think that this would be beneficial for other people as well, because at the end of the day, I think that, when you're going through your own stuff, it feels like no one else understands, but like I mentioned the other day about my dad passing away and how I took some time off and, how I was healing and so many people reached out and said, my aunt did that, my best friend did that, my, and you don't realize because when you're in it, when you're, in the crap yourself, you think that no one else would understand, and at the end of the day, there's a lot of other people that are going through the same stuff, they just might not talk about it. And with social media, and one thing about me is I share all of it. I share the good and I share the bad. And, I don't share the bad from a, one thing that I always do say is, please don't say, I'm sorry, I'm not looking at trauma bond, I'm just sharing this because I think someone else could benefit from it, so I make sure that I'm coming from a place of power, but also reminding people that if you're going through the same thing, even though you don't talk about it or you don't make it public, it doesn't mean that you're alone, even though it feels like you're alone, you get it, you've been through some crazy stuff too, it's like there're, as hurtful as it is to us going through it, there's still a lot of other people that have had the same experience and not to minimize it or make our situations less than, but at the end of the day, we're so many people are going through the same stuff, and I think that there's a lot of people right now, especially, after Covid happened and shutdowns and people being isolated, that people do feel very alone right now and people feel there's not as much connectivity. People are like, I hate Facebook, or I hate social media, they don't, they just, it's we've become so abbreviated with text messaging and like just being, having quick interactions, that I think, I believe that people miss that genuine connection.
Joseph: Without a doubt, you said something you talked about, thing people going through things and not understanding is, one thing that I always said is, or begin to say when my wife passed away, is, pain is life's greatest teacher, it's also life's biggest crutch, it can either get us stock or it can launch us into our destiny, and I'm a true believer of it and I'm a product as well, and I've never compared like painless pain, okay. A lot of people get into comparing, you don't know how losing your son is compared to losing your mom. No, I don't have to know, but I understand it can be painful, and that's why I always try to encourage people, I'm like don't ever compare your pain because, or they would say, oh, I don't know how you, I don't know how you make it through, I can't, my pain doesn't compare to yours, we're not into comparing pain. And I think besides just that, even the telling, the story of people don't understand what I'm going through, there's almost 8 billion people in this world, and what's so crazy is like when I lost my dad and my wife all within 22 days of each other, right? And I could really sit there and say, who in this world has lost two loved ones like that within the same period? Almost identical to mine, right? Until a few months ago, and I never really began to say that because I never focused on that, right? But, when I started going to a new church, I had a friend of mine say, Hey, do you know and I'm like, no. And they're like, his story is just like yours, he lost his mom and his wife all within the same month, and I'm like, how is that? Like out of all the people in the world, I get introduced to somebody that had a very similar story, and, but I think what hurts sometimes is the fact that when we go through pain, there's nothing wrong with sharing it, like you said, you share the bad, but we don't share it from a place of trauma response or wanting trauma responses, wanting the sorrys and things like that, you share it from a place of, Hey, this is what I went through, I'm ho a place of vulnerability because I believe this right here, vulnerability brings healing to us, but it's our transparency that brings healing to other people, we live in such a world right now that everything you don't know if it's fake or not, and it's comical to a degree in certain things, but then it's also damaging in a lot of other ways because when you have people like yourself and myself that are authentic coaches, right? And we're helping people, and then you got the guy that's down the street that's just really great at marketing and flashing a whole bunch of money, you're like, the moment I start talking about money and how you can be a prosperous person, they're like he's just trying to get rich. And but I believe that sharing two people, and that's why I think we need to share our story, but it's very easy to get caught up in this story if we don't really know how we need to go about sharing it.
Tar'lese: Agree. And there's I think a lot of it comes from just what you mentioned is like comparing yourself to others, oh, they have it so great, and a lot of people do only share their highlights and their, best moments, their a moments, if you will, and it's interesting because I made a post recently on Facebook and I was like, you guys, I was in a dark place like the past couple months, I moved to Tennessee and the day that I moved to Tennessee, my dog went missing and I'd had that dog for 16 years, some people are like, it's just the dog, whatever. But like it, what it brought up for me was when, my dog went missing. I was thinking of all the things that he had been with me through. So I was like, when my dad passed away, he was there when I was recovering from, my tumor in my eye. He was there with, I just, and so everything, it was like a Minto in the Coke bottle moment where everything just bubbled to the surface and it was just like, I was not in a good spot. And so for me, the reason that I chose to like, take some time off of social media and pull back is because I didn't want to be comparing everyone else's life to mine, and I didn't want to talk about it because I didn't want those external opinions, I wanted to feel my own feelings, I wanted to deal with it in my own and not have everyone telling me what they think I should or shouldn't do, and so I think that's such an interesting thing because, I think a lot of times we go one of two ways. We just, when we have an issue, we ask everyone else for their opinion or we completely pull back and focus on ourselves. And that's what I did, and I'm so grateful that I did because I didn't realize how many other things I had just pushed through and that were unresolved for me, like when something tragic happens, I'm always like go, yay, push through, you've got this, and I realized that was not a healthy response. That was like, that was probably the worst thing I could do, and I needed to let all of this stuff bubble to the surface so that I could actually address it and make sure that next time if something else does happen that's negative, which there's gonna be more negative stuff that comes up, that I am actually able to address it from a place of power versus. All my old wounds that I just decided to push through and it my dog, going missing, that's really what just brought all this stuff from my childhood and just everything started coming up to the surface and as hurtful and as horrible as it felt, I'm so glad that it worked out the way that it did because I just didn't realize how much stuff I was like pushing, I'm like, oh, breathe and meditate and use your own tools, but then at the end of the day it's ah, you're avoiding this.
Joseph: I heard a pastor talking about this the other day is like when we go through pain, we have the tendency a lot, especially our generation ‘cause we're the same age, is we were taught to suppress everything, if you're hurt, push aside, you don't deal with it, like even in the aspect of I remember my dad is men don't cry, boys don't cry, you're only crying if you're dying and you're, your leg is falling off kind of thing, but yet he was abusive and made me cry, but I got to think when I heard this, I'm like, how many times, like you just said about pushing through the pushing through is really the pushing away. It is, we think that by moving forward and be like, oh, I gotta get past this day and once Friday hits, I can have the weekend to relax, and it's always a I always make a joke. I'm like, I don't even know what day of the week it is. I'm like, it ends in that's all I know or day, but it's very easy to suppress the things that bother us the most, and we mask it with other things that like, you said you're pushing through, but really what you're doing is you're trauma stacky, you're pain stacking one thing on the next. And as long as I have something that I continue to stack on, then that one that was very heavy, gets pressed. And I remember it's like when my wife d when my when my dad died, you know how to I had a, the last 14 years of our life where we went through a lot of forgiveness and he passed away, my desk, my best friend, but 22 days later, my wife has passed, and so I had to make this shift of I can't grieve anymore for my dad. I gotta start grieving for my wife, and I didn't realize it until about seven or eight months later that I'm like, oh my God, I didn't even really get to grieve for my dad. Because, not knowingly, I'm like, I gotta push through, I gotta be strong for my family because my wife is, I got three kids and I gotta, she's, her health is bad and so we end up pushing those things away. But let me ask you this question for all the listeners out there, ‘cause this is something that I went through when those two individuals passed away, I mentally said to myself, I'm like, I don't even know who I am, I've gotta find myself, right? And I knew of meditations, I knew of different things, but like for me, it was like, let me travel, let me go to places. Let me do business, owning my dog training business, let me do seminars, let me go to motivational speaking things, to try to better myself, right? But ultimately all I was doing was chasing, I was chasing things that I thought that would help, and not that they didn't, but I still felt empty inside afterwards. So what, how does somebody even start finding those things to not push away, not mask the pain, not suppress it, but to actually start working through it, so where does somebody even start with that?
Tar'lese: In the seven days, like when I go through the stress management, the very first step is uncovering and identifying. So it's essentially like you're taking 20 minutes, however long you wanna take, and you just get it all out like a brain dump, if you will, and you're just like freely writing, freely talking. Some people wanna do voice notes ‘cause they don't wanna, they don't wanna write, but getting all of it out what you, what I think sometimes we don't even realize is just like I mentioned when my dog passed away, I had all this other stuff that I was like, what? About that, and so I had to like just sit down and just either verbally vomit, if you will, into your voice notes and just be like, and this and that and just sometimes I think that you don't even realize the things that are bothering you or holding you back. And so just taking the first step for me is just assess the situation, right? Good bad, things that you wish you could change or, one thing about losing both of my parents the way that I did is that I did not know that was gonna happen, my mom took her own life 20 years ago, or 23 years ago now, and then my dad just last year. And so it's so crazy, like he is the last person on this planet that I would've expected to do the same thing because, my mom co, it caused so much drama in my family. It just, it literally was like a bomb dropped on my family and no one expected it. No one knew it was gonna happen. It just happened. And so 23 years later to have my dad do the same thing, I'm like, you could not have paid me a million dollars to believe that he would've done that because of how much pain. We'd already gone through as a family, and so it's just, it goes to say you don't really know what other people are going through, but at the end of the day, he never went and got therapy about it, and he didn't really talk about it, and he, right after my mom mo died, he like immediately started dating a woman and just plugged into. Something else for comfort and he never really processed it, and so that's why the first thing that I try to do with my stress management clients is like, there is no right or wrong, there is no good or bad, you have to get this stuff out that you've been bottling up and then you can address it, ‘cause if you're not, if you're not willing to talk about it, you're not willing to bring it to the surface, then we can't fix it. I don't know what to help you with.
Joseph: Without a doubt, and I didn't realize something I was doing, and I didn't realize this until about six or seven months after they passed away, actually it's close to 10 ‘cause it was Thanksgiving timeframe and they had passed away in January, is people kept on asking us like, how in the world are you smiling yet all this has happened to you. And the first thing I could have said, it's God, right? It's my faith, but people that don't believe in that, they, that's trying to say, how did you build a skyscraper? I just did, that doesn't make a bit of sense, so of course I had to start asking myself and digging deeper. And one thing that I realized that I didn't realize it until later on until this question kept on happening, is I took time to grieve, but I took it in 15 minute increments, okay? And the way I did that was when my wife was diagnosed and I felt him heart, I'm like, I need to share our story. I would go on Facebook Live, share 15, 20 minutes about an update, I would cry, I would laugh, I'd be sorrowful, I'd try to hold back the tears. I'd laugh with people, I'd pray for people, things like that, and then I had to, go back inside and be strong for my family, I had three kids. One was a, one was a newborn, and, but I didn't realize until I did a video about 10, 11 months later about this, that I was taking time to grieve. And by just sharing the story, I didn't know what I was doing, I'm just like, Hey, I'm updating people, but I was doing a dump, and it come to realize this, my realization is I always use this analogy if it's rainy and misty outside, what do we naturally want to do all day long? We want to stay inside and cuddle in the bed and cuddle up with the dogs and oh, I don't wanna do nothing, kind of thing, it's that gloomy feeling, right? But if we know it's a downpour, we're like, okay, when it's over with, I'll go outside and do what I need to do, or go to the store or whatever the case is, right? And I looked at it as, if we grieve all day long, it's that gloomy feeling, right? Which can lead to what a lot of depression not doing other things, it can lead to a lot of things. I realized that when I took 15 minutes, 15 to 20 minutes and then had to go change my mindset, be like, okay, now I gotta be strong, I gotta wipe my tears, things like that is I was able to switch my own mind of now, when she did, when my dad and wife passed away is, I would still grieve, but I kept the 15 to 20 minutes and then I'm like, I gotta dry up my tears.
Now, a minute later I may be crying again, but what it did is it gave me just the break that one minute became later, became two, later became five, later became a half a day later became I was able to get through the day. And for me, that was that mental shift for me not knowing anything else, I'm like, what do I do? I gave I did my dumping, but now I've got to mentally say, okay, the dump is over for a few minutes, me dumping, I just rephrase that there, the dumping is over for a few minutes, and then move on, right? But then I can always come back to it versus staying in it all throughout the day, which was leading towards depression and things like that.
Tar'lese: I get, and I did that a couple months ago, probably like three weeks after my dog went missing, I just was like, done, like I was useless to society, there was no it was, I was barely getting up and getting outta bed and taking a shower and doing whatever, I was just like, I went through that and I had to come to the same realization as you mentioned, as I can't, I cannot sustain, I cannot do this, all day long. Like, there has to be a better way and I have to essentially like time block the grief, if you will, because it was consuming, it was de it was depressing. It was horrible, I wasn't fun to be around, I was, and so I agree with you that it's like you want to process it and not hold it fold it down or, ignore it, but at the same time you can't let it consume you because I realized that's what I was doing, I was literally all, I thought about day and night and all these other things, and so I had to just come to my senses and be like, get it together girlfriend. And it took a long time, but, I just feel, I feel so grateful that I did have the stress management tools because, I would do breathing exercises or I would, meditate before bed or just journaling, it's so crazy how just even writing out your feelings on a piece of paper can just totally shift things and you don't even realize how much that you're holding in, and so I just made it a point to get back to doing the things that I wanted to do. I was going, I did 75 hard and I was like working out every single day. I did the year long program and then I went to doing nothing. I went from working out every day to a month, two months longer of not doing anything, and I was like, Tar'lese, you know that working out makes you feel good, you know that walking outside is good for you. And so I lost my identity, just like you mentioned earlier, I did, I lost my identity for a while and that's why I was like, take some time off social media, don't care what anyone else thinks, get better yourself, and I'm so glad that I did because I don't know if you and I would be talking right now, I'd probably still be laying in bed to be honest.
Joseph: Without a doubt, and going back to I always tell people to share their story, right? And you just noted on the head about like writing things down, not everybody's going to take that or feel that they can share their story on social media, so I always encourage people like, listen, do like you do as a kid. What do we used to tell our secrets to as a kid, our stuffed animals on our bed? I would tell them to my dog, and find somebody something, write it down, journal I wish I would've have written down the things that I was doing and saying insane while grieving. Instead, I video recorded and so I always have to go back and wait till Facebook pops it back up as a memory to be like, oh, let me save that video, because it was so powerful, the things that I was saying and doing, but yet I never wrote it down, I've never been much of a journaler. Not that I ha I have in the past, or haven't in the past, but it's powerful, you wrote down the other day, the 25 things, I remember doing that in a therapy session of writing down 25 limiting beliefs, and then I begin to think of what I call flipping, the script is for everything that I wrote down, and I talk about this in coaching, about the power of the words I am. My dad used to always say, you're not good enough, the flipping of that is, I am good enough, I'm more than enough, and so I started to take all those limiting beliefs, all those pain points, all those things that were getting me stuck, and then flipping the script on it, and listen, it helped me grieve so much. And I remember it was the first year my mom had already been passed by the time my dad did for over 14 years, and I remember it was the first time of him not being here on earth when it came to their wedding anniversary, and I was sad, and I got to thinking, I'm like, why am I sad about? Him not being here, it's the first time I actually get to celebrate them being together in heaven, sharing their anniversary together, and all I did is just flip the script of taking what I thought or could have been bad, turning it into something good.
Tar'lese: It's interesting because that's that is, part of the seven days that I take people through, I have them list all of their quote unquote negatives and we come up with the positives so that we can move forward. So I agree, I think that it's interesting too, like sometimes you don't even realize the things that come from childhood or I, I'm writing a book and I gave an example in the book is you know when kids are born and their parents put like a Steelers jersey on them or something, or it's I'm a doctor, so you're gonna be a doctor and your grandpa's a doctor or, it's like you are already given this plan by people, you're like, I the Steelers, I like the Cowboys, or whatever, but you don't get to make that decision because someone else has made that decision for you, whether it comes to the foods you like, oh, my mom didn't like onions, so we don't eat onions. And it's But do I really not like onion? And so it's very interesting when you pull away and figure out your own identity, the things that were instilled in us, like I'm a Yankees fan ‘cause my dad's a Yankees fan, it's but am I really? Like just the things that have been imprinted on you that you, probably might not follow if you had a choice, and so it's very interesting from career to sports teams, to food preferences, to just all kinds of things, and you're like, is this really my belief or is this someone else's? And a lot of times it really is someone else's belief and not yours, and it's just, it's very interesting because, we hold onto these things and grasp these things, you were asking me where my last name came from, Rideaux, and I'm like, honestly, I never met my birth father, like my, the guy that adopted me and raised me I consider to be my dad, he just passed away, but my actual birth dad, I only met him once when I was like four, I don't know, and you were asking about the last name, I'm like, I really don't know. I dunno anything about it, and so it's just interesting how, our upbringing, our families, traditions, et cetera, it's do I really believe that and wanna do that or is it just something that I've become accustomed to?
Joseph: And that goes hand in hand with the way you were talking about, like suppressing your pain, right? Is my influence being from my dad is you can't cry, you gotta push through this, so I go the majority of my, young to childhood to early twenties thinking that I can't cry. I have to press through anything that I go through in life, and that was the influence, right? And then eventually I'm like, what's wrong with crying? What's wrong with, feeling sad? What's wrong with, why can't I just be okay with taking care of this? And last night was a prime example. I wasn't crying, but I was, I'm working on so many different things, and it's like you start to work on one and then you realize, oh, I gotta do this too, to make that one better, and then I'm like, oh my God, I feel like I'm working on so many different things, I'm like, I was mentally exhausted and I just took a moment instead of instead of complaining about it, right, or instead, I'm just like, you know what? It's okay just to have a moment, and I just looked at my wife, I'm like, I just, she's what's the matter? I'm like, I'm just mentally exhausted right now, and I don't know what to do, and I'm okay with that, instead of worrying about, oh, you can't do that, you can't act like that, you gotta suppress that feeling because ultimately the feeling's gonna still pop up the next day or the next time I'm in the situation, at least this time, I knew how to figure out how to manage it, so I'm just like, you know what? It's not that late. It's only 10 o'clock, I'm normally up till 12, 12 30, 1 o'clock in the morning working on things. I'm like, I'm just gonna go to bed, forget it. I just I can't accomplish it all right now anyways, so I'm just gonna go to bed, I shut down a laptop.
Tar'lese: I mean, kudos to you for acknowledging that, though, sometimes it's like you, I feel like sometimes we beat ourselves up for feeling that way, the other day I did the same thing, I had been putting together a funnel and, I'm not a technical person and this is, I was learning a new system and I literally just was like, I cannot do this anymore, I am so checked out, I've been sitting at this desk for 10 hours, like my brain could not compute one other thing. And then I was like, all right, time to go to bed. It was like eight 30 or I don't know, it was very early, but I was like, I know that I'm not gonna get anything accomplished moving forward, you just gotta cut the cord and be like, okay, done, and cut, address the situation with a fresh brain, a refreshed mind, earlier, tomorrow, but at the end of the day, it's like we have to give ourselves some praise though for acknowledging that and not just like beating ourselves up about it or pushing through, because I've done that and that does not serve me, it, like I said, comes to the surface later, and so kudos to you for acknowledging that and realizing it, because I'm sure the next day you're like, okay, cool, let's do, I feel better I can do this.
Joseph: Yeah, it's so funny because like when you said that about am I pushing too hard or being hard, don't be hard on yourself like my wife, and for those that are out there to not confuse you, I lost my wife of 14 years, four years ago, I'm now recently remarried, so that's when I say the two, I don't want y'all to think she came back or anything like that. I don't wanna confuse any of my listeners, my current wife, Rachel, there we go, when I was, when she asked me that, she's Just don't beat yourself up about it, and I'm like, the typical guy's I'm not I'm like, no, I'm not, I says, I'm just trying to figure it out. And then she's do you think your body is, ‘cause she's, I've been really pushing hard on some things, doing some funnels and things like that, and some membership sites the last couple days, and I've been like going on three, four hours of sleep, and she's do you think your body's catching up to you? I'm like, yep it caught up to me yesterday, I'm pushing through and she's I'm just gonna pray for you and pray God gives you clarity and of content and things like that, I'm like, thanks baby, and she gave me a big hug and then I'm like, you know what? I'm just gonna go to bed, I don't need to do anymore. And I woke up like I had the best night of sleep last night, that stinking alarm woke me up this morning, I'd probably still be sleeping, but I feel so refreshed, I'm like, I can choose to go back to it today and work some more because I have a clarity of mine, I have a peace of mind about things. I'm not feeling anxious, I'm not even stressed about it, simply because I just you know what? I recognize where I was at and be like, I can't do anymore because the brain's just wanting me to go to bed, my body's wanting to shut down right now, so stop pushing so hard, it's in something that doesn't need to be pushed.it tattooed on my arm, is at:
Joseph: Yeah, yeah. And you just said at the end about making a list. I think especially with the way the world is, social media is like you pop up on social media and you don't have to scroll far before you see something negative, right? You don't have to scroll far to see somebody making fun of the president regardless if you like him or not, or what we're doing as a country, what we're not doing, or what your neighbor do, what the neighbor hasn't done. And I think ultimately, because even Facebook is designed to feed into the negative social media is because if you notice that when post, posts that last a long time on social media are the ones where people are debating back and forth or arguing back and forth on comments, right? Because Facebook feeds that, so ultimately, it's like in our mind, we don't have to go through and write down all the things that we know are bad because in our mind we've already written those things down and we rehearse those day things all throughout the day where I think it honestly takes mental practice of going into the physical of, I need to write down positive things and start writing those things down over and over, so now we flip the script on our own mind that when something does happen man, I got a toothache card, oh my Lord, hey, this happened at work. I'm like, man I'm thankful as an entrepreneur, I have a business. I'm thankful that I'm able to travel, I'm thinking that, I'm thankful that all these different things versus Hey, can you say two great things about your spouse? Yeah. Let me think about that one, it's not, but yet we can rattle off 25 different negative things.
Tar'lese: Isn’t interesting?t it up about the tattoo, the:
Tar'lese: I've been doing, I think this is the 16th year of doing it, I used to do it and the tattoo on my arm looks like an actual digital clock because when I first started doing it I wasn't really into cell phones as much back then, so I had a physical, like a old school clock that was, in my room or in my office. And so it would have an alarm that went off at 1234 every day. But I used to people would ask how'd you pick 1234? I was like, I really just wanted something in the middle of the day. So I'd already had a few hours up and then I had a few hours, the end of the day, and so I picked 1234, apparently there's like numerology behind it and all this stuff, I wasn't even thinking that, I was just thinking what's simple and what's easy, the coolest thing is I was talking to someone about this yesterday because I really want to start a 1234 candle line because people know me for the 1234, and I was like I would love for people just to light a candle and give gratitude, whatever. But I told her, I said, the coolest part about it is I have a folder on my phone of, I think there's like 140, testimonies now, but like people will message me or private message me or put it on my wall or do whatever and say, I've kept this practice because of you, and there was a guy that was at a live event last year or the year before, he was at a live event and he said, craziest thing happened. I'm at this event and 1234, several people's alarms went off and we realized that we were all doing it because you had shared that practice with us, and I was like,
Joseph: Oh, that's so cool.
Tar'lese: It's just so cool. Someone else got a tattoo, like people are constantly, messaging me about it and I'm like if I could be known for anything. I think that being known for telling people to stop and give a mo a moment of gratitude is like the coolest flipping thing, and so anytime someone mentions it to me, I put it in my folder on my phone, like when I'm bummed or when I'm down, I'm, I look at it and I'm just like, scroll and scroll of all the people that have decided to take the practice of just taking a moment to be grateful. And I'm just like, I feel choked up even talking about it right now, it's just what a cool thing for people to associate with me, like just being thankful and being happy and being grateful because there's, there's a lot of dark days that I think both of us have had, but I always no matter how much money I had in my bank account, no matter how my health was, any of it, I could still just be like, I'm so grateful, I'm grateful, I can even, be grateful right now, you know what I mean? And yeah, it's really cool because of the ripple effect, because I've been so persistent about sharing it, the ripple effect has just been unreal, it's so cool.
Joseph: Love it. And that right there is a true definition of just taking that adversity and turning it into an asset.
Tar'lese: It sure is.
Joseph: Absolutely love it.
Tar'lese: Yeah. It's so funny because someone I shared that turning adversity into assets because I was on a podcast last year and they said, how do you like all the stuff that's, happened to you? And I just said it, I was like, I just wanna turn my adversity into assets. They're like, oh. Exactly what, I was like, that's kinda catchy, right? But it's, it just came outta my mouth and was so like, flew, so easily out of my mouth, but I was like, I really think that we all have the power and the strength to do that, it's just making the decision and just like I don't have to have an alarm that goes off every day. I don't have to, we don't have to do the things that we wanna do, but it's just been such a nugget of happiness day after day, regardless of, what the situation is, and so I'm like, I'm running with that, I appreciate that, and other people, other people are now seeing benefit from it. And so it's one person at a time, I'm just, changing a life one minute at a time if I can, that's pretty it.
Joseph: I love it. Tar'lese, thank you so much for sharing. For those that are out there listening, this is just, such gold, just some gold nuggets here on just being able to take what we've gone through those dark times, those dim times, the pain that we've gone through and just being able to find something out there that can help us change and reflect into being able to get through it, ‘cause that's what I see so much of the problem is I didn't I always ask people, I'm like where's the instruction booklet at Books A Million on what to do when you lose your dad and your wife within 22 days, and all of a sudden you're, you've been a father for 10 years, but now you've got a newborn and you gotta start all over again. And then 40, like there isn't one, there is no instruction booklet for your exact situation, but it's a matter of putting things together time after time of, Hey, how did I get through this thing? I'll use the same tools, and you were able to get through it just by using your own practice, using your own tools that you had.
Tar'lese: And I'm so grateful for it, it's so interesting because I was like, I've decided this year to take my stress management program to corporations, so like up until now I've been working with groups between one and 20 people, 20 is the biggest group, and I was like, I've done this for so long now that I feel like I can actually take this and Help more people with it, but it's only because it's I actually use it all the time, like I use my own list, I listen to my own practices, and I follow it and I like, I've ingrained like it is part of me now, and so I think that's what the toughest part was when I went through all this when my dog passed away of get it together, girl, this is your job, this is what you do. It, it was a, I was, very quickly to realize as much as I practice this, as much as I have the tools, as much as I use this, if you do not, address the stuff from your past. It is going to always 100% of the time pop up, and I'm grateful that it did, but I think that's one thing that holds a lot of us back is that we are just so worried about things that happened, be before that we can't change. Like nothing is ever going to bring, these people back into my life and nothing, like there's nothing that I can do to change this situation, and even with my dog, it's I was just so consumed with it and I'm like, but I can't change it. I can't do anything about it, so I have to move forward, and so I wish that I wish more people realize that it's really not the current situation that's holding you back, it's something that you're, worried about, and I'm glad that people in my life also told me like, Hey, get it together, you've got this, but you have to get out of your own, get rid of the, these voices or these, whatever's holding you back, you really have to push through. And so I'm grateful for a amazing support team, but e even if you don't have people that support you, if you just focus on taking it day by day and not allowing the, ask circumstances to overrule what's happening today, you can make some huge changes, I've seen people collapse time, that's why I focus on seven days because I'm like, you don't need all this time, what's the problem? How can we figure, like what are the steps that we need to take to address this? And let's do it, and some people it's therapy. Some people it's meditation, some people do psychedelics. Whatever it is for you, it's just like making the decision, taking the first step, one of my favorite mentors, his name's Michael Burnoff, his tagline is, decide and do, and I've had to continually recently decide and do, because otherwise I just start, it's easy to start spiraling about everything that's not right. And just like you said, you go on Facebook, everyone will tell you they're sorry and jump on the poor me train with you, like people have no problem doing that, it's another thing to. a goal or set an intention, hit those targets and push yourself versus being like, Boohoo, I did the boohoo, and I just, I'm not willing to do that anymore.
Joseph: Yeah, without a doubt, without a doubt. Tar'lese, how can people get in contact with you, maybe even work with you? Tell us a little bit more about your coaching or how they can work with you one-on-one.
Tar'lese: Yeah, so all of my social media, Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, LinkedIn, everything, it's Tar'lese. My handle is T A R L E S E, my website is T A R L E S E.com, so Tarlese.com. My email is Tarlese@ Tar'lese.com. So luckily there aren't ver, there are other Tar'lese's now in the world, but luckily there weren't when I grabbed all those social media handles. So regardless of what platform you're on, and you can find me, T A R L E S E, and yeah, same website, social media, email, everything.
Joseph: Love it. You guys out there that are listening, I hope you've been touched by her story, and know that you can also get through things that you've gone through, turning that adversity into an asset, that purpose, from the pain, and thank you so much, Tar'lese for coming on the show, you guys don't hesitate to reach out to her.