Today I talk to born-and-bred Londoner Pete Bennett. Pete's business background is stellar, and his ability to get Youtube Play Buttons is pretty impressive. But that's not what he is here to talk about today… 

…See Pete lost half a million in a messy divorce which t he believes could have been avoided if he had followed the framework that he shares in this episode. And I would argue that this is the VITAL listening for any man in the game could listen to. 

Now some of the language used in this episode will initially put your guard up.

I urge you to be bold and listen to the whole thing, as a better relationship is the foundation to a better life and better business. 

Discover more about One Man Empire here:

https://www.theonemanempire.com/

Gentlemen today here inside of the bunker.

I've got an absolute fucking belter foyer.

I've got Pete Bennett.

A Londoner, an absolute fucking legend when it comes to building

businesses, not only building businesses, but selling those fucking

businesses for a small fortune.

That being said.

Today's episode has got absolutely nothing to do with building

or selling businesses, but.

I would have you're considered right now.

It's arguably the most vital episode of the fucking season Sikh.

The cold harsh reality is that Pete has personally lost half a million quid.

In a messy divorce, something with which hindsight he believes

could have been avoided.

If he'd followed and stuck to the simple frame that he's going

to talk you through today now.

As me and Pete get into this.

I'm going to be honest with you at some of the language that gets used is

initially going to make you squirmish and it's going to put up your guard.

We're going to use words like love.

We're going to use words like language, we're going to start talking about

relationships and all the sort of stuff.

At men, we are inherently.

What we're inherently told to fucking avoid like the plague as we

grow up inside of this game today.

So I would urge you to stick with this.

Be bold.

Ultimately, you now their shit to the floor, you will

build better relationships.

You.

We'll have a better foundation for your life and you will build a

better business this one is going to go off the fucking charts.

Let's.

let's do this

So give, give, give me a background, Pete, Tell, tell me your, your situation.

Give me a little bit of your story and we, we go from there.

Yeah, I

I mean, I had had a fairly classic, background, um, in that I went to

university, did the, the kind of prescribed way of being successful,

if you like, degree, and worked in a, a blue chip and oil company for, um,

uh, best part

of a decade.

Um, and then left and went the entrepreneurial roots.

And, uh, you're an entrepreneur.

You, you know what it's like you sudden.

Um, you, you exchange the boredom of corporate for the

potential upside financially

of

running your own business.

Yeah.

But all of the other stresses and all of the other complications

and all of the other uncertainties that you only really find out when

you try to become an entrepreneur.

Cause as you know, there's lots of people out there that say, Oh, you

know, running your own business is easy, You know, Freedom, laptop, lifestyle.

Tim Ferris is flipping four hour , four hour Peter Col cla on a

beach somewhere, and the money just magically falls off and in your lap.

I a nonsense,

I, I

detest that book in Stanley, but for me, it

working

really, really hard, um, starting multiple businesses,

most

of whom, or most of which failed, a couple of which were successful and

sort

of managed to sell them.

One was a seven figure business, one was a six figure business.

Whoopie do, . But, um, you know, I think they often say that you tend to

hurt the people that are closest to you.

Um, because,

You were all putting on a brave face, aren't

you?

But I, I, I think actually between you and me, I think I was a pretty

terrible husband because I assumed

that

what I was doing was for the benefit of both our

happiness is, but I

hadn't really taken into account what, you know, her happiness perhaps was.

And that's really where my interest in the five love languages that we're

gonna talk about today came from.

Because

had I understood her love language,

then I would've been able to speak it.

So I guess in a way

the, the

Point of doing this with you is, you know, this is what didn't work.

I screwed up.

So you don't have to, I I love that.

I think, I think there's so much to be said to that as well, isn't it,

in terms of being like, actually if I, I can see the mistakes other

people have made or, or other people share those mistakes, you know?

Yeah.

So you, you talked their peop about not necessarily, well, in fact you

talked about realizing that you weren't seeing, or you weren't possibly on

the same page as, as your other half.

, when did that realization start hitting?

Was that out of the blue or, or was that a, a slope that you were kind of on or, or

when did that rise kinda hit for you guys?

Well, they normally say that, um,

um, well, they

Say that , most men don't realize that there's a problem with the relationship

until it's way too late to fix it.

Um, and I think I noticed there was a problem

when,

um, my wife, you know, we started to develop different interests.

Let's put that her, her, she became interested in sleeping

with men in hotel rooms.

Wow.

And it just wasn't for me.

I, I thought, Yeah.

You know,

had she taken up goal for something, maybe we could have tried that together.

Yeah.

the idea

going

and

with

rich businessmen in central London hotels.

Yeah.

Um, I dunno if we just drifted apart, it developed separate

hos, I

suppose.

Um, but Jo, joking aside, I think I realized that things were going

wrong when, um, she was no longer interested in spending time with me.

But, you

know, once, once things have

gone too far, you can't fix it.

And,

know,

advice to men, not that I'm qualified to give advice, but a, a suggestion for the

men that are listening to this is if you think there's something wrong, there is,

um, don't,

don't wait for confirmation.

You know, blokes, you know, we need it kind of written in neon.

A hundred percent.

Yeah.

So if you, if you are feeling that there's something wrong with the

relationship, then you know, be a man and don't hide from it and bring up the

subject that, you know, there may be problems in, in the marriage, in the

relationship.

um, and the five love languages that we're gonna talk.

about,

Um, I think is a very simple, um, framework to begin

those discussions around.

Yeah, there's lots of stuff you, if you read psychology books, there's

lots of really complicated theories,

but

actually they all boil down to the, the kind of five elements

that, that we we'll talk about.

And

this gives you a vocabulary and a framework to, to

broach difficult subjects.

And had I known this before I got married, um, I, I'm sure that my marriage

would've been entirely different.

I, I don't know what your situation was, Pete, but, but for me, um,

probably in, in my darkest hour with m.

I think like you, I kind of knew there was stuff going on there and

I had, let's call it like the Arsal belief or the arsal thinking in mind.

One was going on the, Yeah, it's kind of bit gonna be alright because

when, when the business is going on, when we just get to this next level

or whatever it might be, we're gonna have loads of time to spend together.

But right now I'm doing this for the greater good.

I'm doing this for us and therefore everyone else should be happy

as I fucking mar myself and, um, pretend that everything's

gonna be okay in the long run.

And I, I, I don't know if you've had a situation, I know I've had conversations

with other men where we, where we kind of ignore that because we think we

are doing it with the other person's best interests at heart, where I,

I don't think we necessarily are a lot of the time we we're just doing

it to satisfy our own fucking egos.

Yeah, I I I think there's, there's part of the, you know, the, the, the

ego certainly comes into it, but also.

To take the blame off of us a little bit.

We brought up, or certainly I was, I'm probably older than you.

I'm 50 56 and definitely older than you, probably twice your age.

But

It was, um, you know, in our day, man, you know, work hard,

bring bread home for woman.

Yeah, woman's happy as long as you don't beat her, or at least no more wants,

to.

not after nine

o'

but that, that was the prescribed way of being a successful man and

earning the love of your woman.

I mean, it me, mes and you Jane,

isn't it?

Um, but now things have changed.

But,

um,

it's, it's more difficult

us

now as a man.

What does being a man mean now?

I mean, are you supposed to, you

know, are

you supposed to be empathetic in the soft and emotional and, you know, be

almost a feminine friend to your wife?

Or are you supposed to, you

be

the alpha male and have her look up you and respect you,

possibly fear you in a way?

Um,

I

dunno, it's no longer clear.

I'd agree.

There's, there's all you, there's all sorts of, let's say, blurred lines.

And I think the trouble with those blurred lines is we end up

wearing different fucking masks, depending what the situation is.

And, and it stops us being ourselves, doesn't it really?

It makes it, um, makes it very, very difficult to understand where our place

is, whether that's at home, whether it's in work, whether that's in society, and we

end up then lying to ourselves and lying to everyone else as to who we are and

whether we are happy with what's going on.

Yeah.

And and also it's the same for women.

I mean, women Oh, totally.

If, if you ask women what they want, they'll come out with a list

of attributes and then they'll end up, um, being attracted

the

bad guy on the motorbike anyway.

. Yeah.

Yeah.

So you, you actually cannot win.

Yeah.

Um, I'll say, I dunno whether this

too rude,

but one of my friends said something years and years ago, I've never forgot it.

He said, If

women didn't have breasts, we'd stand on the other side of the

road and throw rocks at them.

It's like,

and I, I, I always sort of think back

to

that this is an exaggeration to make the point, but you

know that

it's very, very difficult to understand what the hell they want

because they don't know themselves.

Sure.

Um, it's difficult.

And you, you've mentioned the five love Languages.

Pete, talk, talk me through, Let, let's go through, through the first one and,

um, talk, talk me through that one.

All right.

These are in no, no order.

They're just in the order that I happen to remember them.

I'm write them down

. The first thing is everybody, um, has, one primary love language

and one secondary love language.

Okay.

Obviously people will have traits from other ones, but you have to

make a decision really and identify those, those two for this to work.

So, um, you, you first should identify your primary love language.

Yeah.

Then also, um, you probably have a pretty good idea once you know the definitions,

what your partner's love language is, or if not, just ask her, you know?

What makes your partner feel loved.

So the first one, and we'll go through and give some

examples,

is words of affirmation.

. So, um, That would be, you know, I thought you did, I'm proud of you.

I thought you did really well at that.

And often, um, men like this,

know,

because we want to be told by our wives what, you know, Mr.

Big Co.

We are, or . Yeah, yeah.

You know,

you, you're amazing,

darling.

Yeah.

All, all that sort of stuff.

Um, you know, it is the same for women.

You know, you men often talk about women's appearance, but they never

say, You know what, You know, I respect you or I'm proud of you.

That, that kind of thing.

That's so true, isn't it?

That's so true.

Men generally are not taught to vocalize emotions, um, unless

it's aggression a hundred.

or

or it's in defending the honor of the lady.

Mm-hmm.

or whatever, that we we're just not given a vocabulary to express emotions.

And that's why I think , this very simple framework is quite good cuz the

words aren't very long and difficult to understand, but they speak a lot.

So words

of affirmation.

And it's the same

by the

way in business.

All of this stuff goes for business.

So, you know, if you've got an employee, um, it costs nothing to say well done.

Good job.

Sure.

And

often that's a lot cheaper and a lot more

than

giving them a pay rise.

Okay.

So is that words of affirmation is, by the way, I'm gonna ask you

Charlie, as you go through, what do you think your love languages

are and what's your partner's name?

M It's Emma.

Yeah.

Yeah.

M uh, so would you say that that words of affirmation is a love language for you?

It is definitely one of mine.

Pete, I'm, I'm a sucker for like an ater boy and a pat on the back in terms of

being like, that was really good there.

You, you did well.

I'm proud of what you've done there, what you've achieved, what you've hunted,

I think that's a big one for me.

Definitely.

Yeah.

And, and have you ever, uh, used, uh, words of affirmation for, for Emma?

I, I think so.

It's kind of interesting this peak, cause I've, I've done like a load

of therapy during the years cuz of stuff I've fucked up and def what's

the best way to describe this?

I never used to, ironically, um, both me and m worked together in the business

as well, so we work side by side, which means a whole load of other dynamic

into the relationship side of things.

And I think that was, that was definitely something that was a hundred percent

missing to start with and caused a lot of problems as well in terms of there,

there was, there was a distinct lack of that from my side of things, despite me

wanting to hear it at this side, there was, there was very little recognition

in terms of being like, and that's fucking amazing what you've done there,

or, I'm really, really proud that you've done that and you've put that together.

And it's, it's ironic isn't it, that.

You would expect that you would ex, you would expect, and you would value that

to hear that back, But to give that back out again, become such a, uh, mental

fucking roadblock and a hard thing to say and, and a hard thing to deliver.

And if her

love language

or one of her love languages is not words of affirmation, then that doesn't matter.

Yeah.

If it is

it's

absolutely crucial.

Yeah.

And this is the point.

Unless you know, then

you,

you have no idea about

how

to

love

in the way that she wants to receive it.

And most people tend to give out love in the way that they want to receive it.

Mm.

So if maybe I'll come to the next one.

Maybe her love language is physical touch.

Yes.

I'm not talking about necessarily sex.

Sex is part of it, but actually it's nowhere near the most important part.

It could be a hug.

Yeah.

It could be, um, holding hands.

And if

your love language is not physical touch and hers is, and you are not

cuddling her, or you're not, you know, giving her that physical feeling, then

she's literally dying

inside.

That's fucking crazy, isn't it?

And, and she will get it from somewhere else.

Ultimately,

yeah.

She'll need,

These

are not, once, these are needs, and, that's why, you know, people have affairs

is to try and fill the hole that's not

being, you know,

um, Not being , you know what I mean?

It's, it's really interesting that Pete, isn't it, that that word

needs, cuz from like, I suppose if, if from, from a business standpoint

Maslow always springs up in terms of like his hierarchy of needs.

That's that's the one that everyone fucking talks about.

Yeah.

It's like, are are we meeting things on this pyramid?

And what never comes up though is, is are we meeting these deeper emotional

needs, Whether that's with, um, other halfs, and whatever it might be.

It's such a, I don't know if taboo's the right word, Pete, but it's just, it's

just not fucking talked about, is it?

Yeah, it's, it's, it's the foundation of, um, society in terms of partnerships.

It, it, it's costs so much fucking money from divorces

and, and everyone's got so much.

What's the word?

Skin in the game, I suppose really literally from a relationship

standpoint, But it's the one thing that people just don't fucking talk about

yeah.

And people will, will go and find it elsewhere if

not

providing it.

Um, whether or not they, they consciously want to do that, it just tends to happen.

We talk about, um, you know,

uh,

an investment in this stuff.

I mean, how much does it cost to get divorced compared to how much

does it cost to give her a cuddle?

Yeah.

you know?

Um,

this is a good investment, guys, believe me.

Having been through that process,

, know we, we talked about that before.

Pete, do you wanna, do you wanna talk through that experience

from your side of things?

I mean, it cost you a fuck load of money, didn't it?

Yeah.

I, I had 60 days to pay her a roughly half

million

quid, just over half a million quid in cash.

Or I would've lost my, I only had no chi, no kids.

Um, and she didn't work for a living.

Uh, here's ano because I was looking after her.

Here's, here's a tip, by the way.

If your wife doesn't work, whether or not you've had, you have kids, um,

because you are the nice guy and you support her when you get to the divorce

court, suddenly that works against you because she will have no way of

supporting herself and you'll be expected

keep

her in the style that she's become accustomed to.

So send

her out to work, even

if for, for your own protection

yeah.

It is interesting cause when, when you say they're the word, the word

investment in terms of going through these things, it is an investment.

I mean that's, that's literally the, probably the, what's it, it's fucking

the biggest investment you can make

yeah.

Um, it really is, um, you don't want to go there.

You really

don't wanna go there, and it's preventable.

Uh, and it's not just the, the, the cash obviously.

It's the emotional turmoil and everything else.

Um, and being in a relationship where you're not getting your

needs fulfilled, it is, it's the most lonely place in the world.

And it often, it's so easy to fix if you just have the conversation.

And did you feel that you weren't getting your needs

emotionally fixed as well, Pete?

Or was that from her side

Yeah.

I mean, one

of my, one of my love languages, primary is probably words of affirmation.

And

I was working really hard, um, doing stupid hours.

And when I got home, I got nagged.

for

not, for not being there.

I was working really, really hard, um, to make the money, um, to

ultimately

give us both a good life.

What I wanted to be told is, I'm proud of you.

Thanks for working really hard.

Um, I'll make you a cup of tea.

I'll get you some dinner or, or whatever.

Um, that didn't happen.

I got nagged because what she wanted was quality time.

So she would've preferred us not to be as rich and to spend more time together

i, my needs weren't being met.

Her needs weren't being met.

Eventually it's gonna end in tears and it did.

Um,

so,

you

give

the wife a cuddle.

If, if,

if you need to hold hands then to feel connected, then tell her that,

you know, it's, it's, it's weird with men because, you know, we can have.

We can go on about how much sex we've had and all this

kind of stuff, and what she did

in the

bedroom and stuff.

But honestly, sometimes we,

we

just wanna hold hands or we just wanna cuddle.

And that would be seen

being weak and needy

Yeah.

and,

and it

isn't, It

really isn't.

Um, sometimes men are our own worst enemies, I think.

I would agree.

I think there's some, there's a lot of arsal thinking that we, we all run.

And again, whether that is ingrained from what we've experienced growing up,

what we've witnessed growing up from sort of like a parental standpoint, but that

there is that air of, Oh, I can't do that.

I'm, I'm a man.

I can't, I can't reach out and hold hands.

We can't like snuggling, cuddle on the couch that that's not a manly thing to do.

That's the alpha thing to do.

And then we'd run that fucking conflict pattern over in the

back in our head, which means that we push back and hold back.

And then it's, it's a self-fulfilling shit show, isn't it?

Yeah.

And a lot of it is avoidance as well.

It's like, you know, all this stuff about being macho, um,

oh, don't go for therapy because

only

soft labs go for therapy.

Hardest thing you'll ever do.

Hardest thing you'll ever do, You know, Easy to go and lift weights, isn't it?

You just go in there, you just do it and

it

doesn't, It's hard work, but it doesn't take that much.

Skill and, and self awareness and analysis and, and, and deep thought

going to therapy and learning to express your emotions and talk about it is the

hardest thing you'll ever do, but also the best investment you'll ever make.

I totally agree.

I think it's, um, you wanna have a good life.

You, you, you, you sign in a, let's say a contract, you're

gonna get married to someone.

You, you wanna be together forever.

Why the fuck would you not invest and make that time that you spent

together the, the best time possible?

And you're like, Well, that, that kind of makes sense.

Why, why the fuck have I put this off until things are on their ass?

And, uh, I trying to paddle upstream to, uh, to, to unb Break things until it Yeah.

Leave

until

it's too late.

Um, so, you know, I guess if I had my way before you got married, there

would be some pre-marital counseling.

Maybe they talk about the five love languages.

I don't know.

Can't

hurt, can it?

No, I, I think it's, I think it sounds like a fucking spectacular idp.

I think there's, there's so many times in, in life with different circumstances.

I mean, just from a fucking communication standpoint, that, that,

that becomes really, really valuable.

And it's like, well, why, why is that?

Addressed.

Why isn't that not talked about?

I would've definitely benefited from that.

I think it sounds like you would've benefited from that.

Yeah.

. But . So we've got, we've got affirmations, uh, we've got touch.

What was the, what's our third one?

Next one is, again, the people can sn at this one.

Acts of service.

Okay.

Service.

And it's not while you're down there,

or, Or it

could be, uh, get her a cup of tea.

Um, wash the car, um, you know, do the vacuum cleaning.

Um, something that is you serving her and therefore saying that she's important

enough to take the time to, uh, to do something for her and put the effort in.

, . Um, I had a girlfriend, um, a while ago, and one of the loveliest things

she did was she used to make the bed and

it took, you know, 30

seconds.

And to me that, that was just amazing that she'd taken the time to do that.

And I'd say thank you.

And she'd say, Why are you thanking me?

You don't need to say thank you.

She says, I don't need to say thank you, but I'm grateful.

I think that's really interesting, the actor service side of things.

But what you, you said at the, the end there, Pete, from the, the thanking side

of things and from the work I've done from a relationship standpoint, I mean,

I, I am always amazed that if, if stuff goes south or sideways, when I start going

back to the root cause of what happened in terms of whether it's an argument and

you start reflecting on ship nine times outta 10, it is that this have been a

communication breakdown somewhere where someone hasn't said thank you or someone

hasn't, something hasn't been expressed.

. It's another thing we don't get taught how to do is how to effectively

communicate, whether it's gratitude or the fact that you're feeling

pissed off or frustrated or something.

It just goes, unfucking said.

Yeah.

And it, and it doesn't go away, does it?

It boils and it festers and then it comes out in a very negative way because

it's, um, it's often the, the little things that, the straw that broke the

back.

There

was a comedian, I forget who it was now, but he had a, um, his

joke was, he says, you know, um,

does it ever

happen to you?

But you know, you mean to say something and

just

comes out all wrong.

Said this morning, Um,

I

meant to say to the wife, Can you pass the salt?

But it just came out as you ruin my life.

You fucking book

It's just,

it's just all this stuff that mounts up and a little thank you

now

and again can diffuse a lot of that because it means the resentment

there for

being taken for grant.

Agreed.

It's huge.

That isn't it.

And

the women need to do it as well.

You know, if you

do,

um, wash the car, fuck, say, say thank you.

Yeah.

It's not, you know, don't take people for granted.

It's just as important both ways.

Um, next one.

Should we do the next one?

Sure.

Let's hear it.

What we

Quality

time.

And this is, this is a big one for blokes.

This is a big one for blokes because we tend to think that quality time, the,

how,

how would I put this?

I normally say that these, if you think of the love languages as occurrences,

they're not changeable, right?

So you can't work really, really hard and really, really long and make lots of money

and

then exchange that.

In her love book, if you like, as being equivalent to quality time.

It doesn't work that way.

You can't, you can't substitute one with the other and exchange between them.

So if her love language is quality time, um, you better make time to spend time

with her doing things, you know, where she's fitting, fulfilled and satisfied.

Like it's often, you know, I dunno, let's say the message wants to go and have a

walk around the park and you are busy to you, the walk around the park is just

an interruption of the important stuff.

Yeah.

Because you are

too busy,

I know, making the next million.

But unless you, unless you do the quality time bit with her, that's

probably gonna cost you that million.

Yeah.

When she forces you.

So it is important to

spend quality

time.

Um, it's important to find partner that you wanna spend time with as well.

I mean, Lots of men are not saying that I did this particularly, but you know,

they marry trophy brides, don't they?

A hundred percent.

And

then can't

stand to spend time with them.

It's gonna go wrong.

That, that quality time, I think, I think you've hit the

nail on the head there, Pete.

I think especially for, let's say I use it cuz I can from

experience of us that are, that are.

Entrepreneurs that are pushing business, there is always that justification that

I feel what I've got going is more important, that shit can wait till down

the line to another time to once I've got this email done, the fact that you believe

that there will be this magical hour that suddenly appears where that quality time

can fit into, which never fucking happens.

Which like you say, if that love language of your partner is quality time, they're

just constantly feeling like they're being put second fiddle to the business.

. Um, I mean, I remember when I was, I was in, I was in, I think it was in Vegas

actually, and I was speaking at an event and there was a, um, an opportunity

meet

a very big name in the marketing

industry.

And what that meant is that,

oh, I could

either meet the, the big, big fish or I could take the lady

wife to, uh, to see a show.

Yeah.

And I said, Well, look, we can go and see a show anytime.

I'll only ever get the

chance to

see this guy once.

Um, you don't mind, do you?

And of course she said no.

And then I, I know I'd, I knew I'd blown it.

Yeah.

I, I was absolutely right.

I could take

to

see the show the next night and the, the guy wouldn't be there.

But the, the message that I was giving is, I don't love you enough to, to

forego the time with this powerful man to turned out not to be so powerful.

But, um, the point that I'm making,

is, It

does matter, even if there's a logical reason why it couldn't be rearranged.

Yeah.

It's, it's, it's a straight up slap in the face rejection, isn't it?

Yeah, it's, I'm very, or used to be very, very guilty of that pe very guilty.

And, um, again, reflection.

You look at that and you're like, What a fuck.

Fuck.

What a fucking asshole.

But, but not to beat yourself up too much.

Um, unless you know these things and they've been pointed

out, then at the time, if it's your first time going through.

You know, relationships and stress in businesses and stuff, you don't, you

don't know what's going on because you're too busy firefighting and

trying to

deal with what you can, but if you learn this stuff before you get into

the situation where you are under stress than maybe you can preempt the

bad things by referring, you know, to the fact that perhaps you are,

um, almost

disrespecting her and telling her that you

don't love her.

When actually that's very far from the case.

It's just that you are miscommunicating.

And it's, it's, I I think it's that, that being conscious, well, you're

taking yourself from being unconsciously aware to consciously where aren't

you to, in terms of when you, when you are about to mu that phrase,

yet we can do that, that be amazing.

Once I finish this email that, that there's the mental pause

that happens and you go, Actually, what am I just about to say here?

And what does that really mean?

And what am I, what am I expressing by, by muttering those words?

Yeah, that sounds great.

Let's go and do that.

And this, this can wait.

It's not as important as us spending some time together.

Yeah.

And I, you know, in more recent relationships I've done that, I've just

said, you know, um, I need to get this finished, but you are more important.

This can wait.

I'm not gonna make you wait.

That's a fucking power phrase right there, Pete.

If I've ever heard one Jesus Christ,

And maybe I

should come up with a list of power phrases.

I think that that's, that's like a, that's a spectacular Yeah.

Phrase right there.

Mm-hmm.

that's loaded with so much psychology that it's not even, not even.

Yeah.

It's.

I've actually, you know, literally said

like that directly to,

to,

you

know, girlfriend and sometimes it makes a cry.

That's amazing.

Wow.

Yeah.

Um, and it's embarrassing to start with, you know, you think, Oh, I'm being a

pussy here, you know, and, you know, pussy whipped and all that sort of stuff.

But if you say it and you mean it,

It

makes them feel really, really special

because

men don't, men don't say that, you know?

Um, and it, it gets easier.

Once you've done it once or twice.

It, it gets easier and it, it does, it does really help to

form an intimate connection.

I think that that word pussy whips an interesting one, isn't it?

In terms of the, the frame that a lot of us probably have or, or the

bravado or the mask that we, we try and put on, which in reality is going,

actually, it's kind of fucked up because you just wanna be in a relationship

where you just, fuck, Life is easy.

And if, um, it's, it's not being pussy whipped.

It's actually going, I want us to be in this together.

I want us to enjoy shit together.

I want us to do this together.

I wanna experience this together.

That's the whole fucking point of being together.

There's no pussy whipped about it.

It's a, it's a 50 50.

It's give and take and, um, surely that is a good place to be, um,

rather than the other way around.

Yeah.

It's,

it's the

only place to be that's sustainable.

Yeah.

Yeah, so

quality

time.

Um, last one of the five,

um,

and again, this can be.

It's important we understand what, what this means.

It it, it's actually called receiving of gifts.

Okay.

Receiving of gifts.

Now, um, there'll be a lot of men going, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

She wants expensive jewelry

or watches

or whatever.

Um, that really isn't the case.

It's not anything to do with the monetary value, it's to do with the,

um, the, the passing of something as a gift, which is a token of love.

So it could be, and, you know, doesn't always have to be

with, with intimate partners.

Like, um, if I go and see my mom, I'll, I'll buy her fivers with the

daffodils from the local petrol station, and she's made up because her

love language is receiving of gifts.

Okay.

It wouldn't be, if I bought 500 pounds worth of bouquet

wouldn't be any different to her.

Yeah.

It would still be the act of the gift.

Um, and.

I found

this in my marriage

about

talking about people tend to give love in the way that they want to receive love.

And of course I didn't know any of this at that time.

Yeah.

So my wife and before things started to go really badly wrong, we keep buying little

gifts for me, like bloody robot with a clock in its tummy to sit on my desk.

The very last thing I needed, I thought, cuz my love language is nothing to

do with receiving gifts, it was just a pain in the, as she kept bringing

all this crap home, I'm giving it.

And what she was clearly saying is, I want to feel love.

I want you to do the same.

Um, I should have

bought

a fucking freak bridge back there.

or

something.

Yeah.

Get a lot of fridge magnets

for off a million quid.

Um, but, but the point is,

it's

unless you know this stuff, you, you, you fail to make each other happy

because you're talking at cross purposes.

. So, so do you know, Pete, you talk about new relationships is this something

now that you, you go through, do, is it these questions that you actively ask,

I mean, to be honest, I'm a bit of a geek with it.

So generally if

on the

first or setting date, I'll, I'll bring up the subject and that's amazing.

We just talk about it, um, as a, you know, conversation start as much

anything

else and with, with women, um, I actually find it goes down quite well because

they're thinking,

Oh,

hang on, he's

actually not just a, an oath.

He, he has got some, um, you

some

idea of what's important to, to make a relationship work.

. I can imagine it's probably the first time that any of them have

even discussed the fucking subject.

Most of them heard of it.

Yeah.

No, I, I, I can believe that, um, like most men have never heard of it.

Uh, it's, it's, it is fascinating, Pete.

It's, it's so fucking simple.

It's like, you know, here's my user manual.

Uh,

Yeah.

It's very

simple.

Just, you know, there's five sections.

Read these, read section one and three and you'll, you'll know what makes me happy.

Um,

it,

it's, and that's why I like this framework.

It's a framework

that

anybody can relate.

Irrespective of their level of education, background, even nationality.

So where, where did you come across this Pete?

Like, talk, talk me, talk me through how you went on this exploratory journey.

Was it because of the divorce?

Was it before the divorce happened?

Or where, where did your curiosity peak around this?

Like most blokes, I didn't really know that the divorce was coming.

I didn't want it, um, hit me really, really badly.

And I was,

um, I was on

antidepressants, you know, I was a mess.

And I went to a therapist.

Um, and, you know, she brought up

this, this framework

recommended the book by Gary Chapman.

Um, a and the sort of scales fell from my eyes as a result of reading it.

And I just thought, Um, other people need to know about this.

I mean, I have no financial stake in this, or I'm not an affiliate for

his Chapman's book sales or whatever.

It just seemed to me, uh, to be a conversation that, that that should be had

. Cuz I don't think men are particularly

good at

that.

If we can give it a name, then we can, we can normally deal with it.

But, you know, abstract emotional stuff is something.

Many men, maybe even most men

are, are not

versed

in.

I I I think, I think you're a hundred percent right, and from the therapy

that I've done in terms of being able to articulate feelings and use that word,

this is how I am feeling in conversations.

It was fucking really tough to start with, but once, once I got used to that,

it was, it was incredibly empowering in terms of being able to express that

Well, I

I think it's difficult for for men to articulate this because

we are not given the language.

I mean, the classic is two men meet each other.

Um,

how are you?

Well, they always say really good.

And the next question is, what do you do ? Yeah.

Yeah.

So first of all, you know, what, what's your physical health like?

And secondly, what's your utility value?

Right?

So when, when I meet someone now, what I'll normally say is,

um,

yeah, how do you feel today?

How, how are you feeling today?

Yeah, that's a difficult question, you know, because it's

not, How are you, It's how do

you feel?

And most men won't notice the difference.

. Um, the, the, the important thing for men, I think is to get used to

answering that question honestly.

And if they're not feeling on top of the world, say it, you know,

I,

I should feeling a bit shit today.

Um, had an argument with the, the misses.

That's all right.

Isn't that, um, it's certainly much better than drinking too much

or, um, going to what eventually happens with men, which is the

the aggression

Yeah.

and

aggression is such a terrible, terrible, um, emotion when it's

not

focused on something positive like lifting weights or, Yeah.

Or else.

Um,

So, you know, it

a,

that wishing to be too sort

dramatic, I

think some of this stuff could actually say people's lives.

I, I it's, it's a big one.

I think you, you, you talk about, um, divorce rates going up, Pete, you look

at like male suicide rates at the moment.

That's a fucking scary, It is scary figure to see, see what,

what's going on with that.

, there, there's a lot of pressures.

I think there's a lot of stuff that gets bottled up and doesn't get expressed

and that, as you say, it get, it gets vented in one way and it ain't fucking

pretty when, um, when it boils over.

No, it isn't.

It really isn't.

And it's unnecessary.

I think it's, it's, there's, there's a lot of stuff there that's been covered that,

that doesn't get fucking talked about.

It's very easy to take a lot of what we've said and the word love gets used or has

got used a lot this evening and then to.

To take that the wrong way and actually think, all right, okay, that I can

wait, or, or that, that doesn't need to, um, doesn't need to be applicable.

I'm alright.

I'm gonna keep going.

And when you, when you really, really think about it and consider the

possibility of what, understanding of what those five things apply to you, what

those five, which of those five things apply to your partner and how, how much

better, how much easier, how much more fucking fun life would be if you accepted

that challenge and was like, Right.

Fuck, I'm gonna try and figure this shit out with my other half and that's

the challenge for the next seven days.

I'm gonna be brave enough to have that fucking conversation.

Taking some fucking action around it and having some big, brave conversations.

Yeah.

And of those five, which, which would you say is your

primary and

your secondary, which would you say?

Her primary and secondary is?

My, my primary is definitely affirmations and I think my secondary

one I think is probably touch Pete.

Yeah, I, I'm the same.

I'm not sure which order it, but those, those two, and I think that's

quite normal for or not normal.

Cause it's all normal.

It's quite common in then.

And what do you think her says?

Uh, Emma's, I, I believe, um, um, we, we spoke about this in the past

actually, based on other conversations.

Quality, quality time is the big one with Emma.

And I think that was where I fucked a load of stuff up.

I mean, I, I got to the point where our Barney was just bored and I'm

up the M 42 seeing a fucking client.

I figured in my mind that was a good idea.

Yeah.

Rather than spending quality time with, with a new family after all,

all that that's gone on my a asshole logic and my arsal thinking at that

point was like, Yeah, I'm doing it for the family, therefore it's okay.

So I, I, I think for, for Emma, that is definitely.

Where that one is.

And I, I think the phrase that you used earlier, Pete, is, uh, is one

that I'm gonna be writing down.

That's, that's super, super powerful.

Yeah.

I wanna be using that one and, uh, thanking you on the back of that one

that was fucking awesome, my friend.

What about the second secondary one?

Cause she, I think, I think the secondary one for him is probably, . Access service.

Yeah.

. And, um, we, we take the piss in our house.

Emma has this phrase where she goes, um, she'll do something.

And I'll be like, I, I was gonna do that.

What have you done that for?

And it's like, she goes, Yeah, should have, would've, could have in terms

of, yeah, you should have done it.

You could have done it, but you didn't fucking do it.

And I think there sometimes that goes a, a long way in terms of going, I am

going to preempt whether it's being told or just doing something because

it's a good, nice thing to do, making cups of tea, whatever it might be.

I think that goes a long fucking way rather than, Grinding, grinding

Emma's gears and her being like, Yeah, dude, what, what the fuck?

What?

I've had to nudge you again to do something.

Yeah.

The fact that something can be preempted or the fact that you can actually do

something that shows that you give a shit.

Yeah.

I think that goes down well with, with them definitely.

Um,

But really it's just a question of having the conversation.

So maybe a good way to do this is to have a date night, you know,

that's making quality time, isn't it?

And then during that quality time, just bring up, um, you know, bring

up the subject and in a lighthearted way, you know, just, uh, I was

listening to a podcast and there's this ge are going on about this.

Let's play a game and let's work out what, what ours is.

And yeah, I promise you'll have a good evening that I, I love, I love

the wording on that, Pete, let's play a game that like softens the

whole fucking thing, doesn't it?

It takes the pressure out of it.

So I just fucking explore this shit and see where we end up

and, um, kind of go from there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

um, I, I, I'm willing to bet it won't go badly.

Holy fuck gentlemen.

Well, I told you that one was going to get uncomfortable pretty quick.

Loud being set.

I think we can all pretty much agree that.

A half million quid divorced settlement.

Well, that doesn't sound like a good way to start any day of any week.

So.

Let's start prioritizing, executing and.

Understanding which one of those five love languages matches.

Our on the half, because fuck me.

Better to keep the money inside of Aw wolves than it is to hand it

off to the fucking lawyers that'll say gentlemen that's been enough

for me Then i will catch up with you guys on On The next episode