Shownotes
Business Building Insights
- Don’t let your fear make decisions for you. Look at fear in the eye and continue walking.
- The more we become comfortable with the full version of ourselves, the more we crave it.
- Relationships thrive with safety and stability.
- When it comes to communication, the closer you get to soft emotions and stay out of the noise in terms of frustration, the more authentic a conversation you’ll have.
- Be clear about what you need from your partner when starting a conversation so you can ask for it and set your expectation from the beginning.
- Timing is important when presenting a serious topic. Make sure to invite and gain agreement from your partner into the discussion. Or respect their need for it to be another time.
- Let your partner have their own feelings and be cautious about how you’re interpreting those feelings. The only reflect how they feel about the topic, not about you overall.
- Our greatest need in a relationship is to be seen and heard.
Resources Mentioned
7 Day Relationship ChallengeContact Links
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Join our FREE Gift Biz Breeze Facebook Community
If you found value in this podcast, make sure to subscribe and leave a review in Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts. That helps us spread the word to more makers just like you.
Thanks! Sue
Transcripts
Gift biz unwrapped,
Speaker:episode 232 if you're in the eye,
Speaker:we evaluated to see whether or not it's a legitimate threat
Speaker:and then we give it a high five and keep walking
Speaker:Attention. Gifters,
Speaker:bakers, crafters,
Speaker:and makers pursuing your dream can be fun.
Speaker:Whether you have an established business or looking to start one
Speaker:now you are in the right place.
Speaker:This is gift to biz on rapt helping you turn your
Speaker:skill into a flourishing business.
Speaker:Join us for an episode packed full of invaluable guidance,
Speaker:resources, and the support you need to grow your gift biz.
Speaker:Here is your host gift biz gal,
Speaker:Sue moon Heights.
Speaker:Hi there,
Speaker:it's Sue.
Speaker:And can I just say you are in for a special
Speaker:treat today.
Speaker:This is a powerful episode that can guide how you communicate
Speaker:with others moving forward.
Speaker:I'm being dramatic on purpose because I believe it to be
Speaker:just that important.
Speaker:But before we get into this though,
Speaker:a quick message to let you know that there's still a
Speaker:little bit of time to sign up for my masterclass.
Speaker:It's already in progress,
Speaker:but if you're listening to this show right as it's been
Speaker:released, you can still sign up for one of the two
Speaker:final classes that are happening this week.
Speaker:The program is completely free and it's specifically for those of
Speaker:you in the beginning stages of your business development or if
Speaker:you're just now considering a business from your handmade products.
Speaker:When you attend this online class,
Speaker:you'll learn the single biggest thing people miss when they start
Speaker:their business.
Speaker:Four critical elements to include when you're pricing your product,
Speaker:how to attract customers and the secret to attracting loyal customers
Speaker:who will buy from you again and again.
Speaker:The exciting news is the category of handmade small business is
Speaker:steadily growing as the big box stores are seeing declines.
Speaker:We get into this too all in the masterclass.
Speaker:To join us,
Speaker:go to gift biz,
Speaker:unwrapped.com forward slash masterclass and select one of the two dates
Speaker:that are still available this week.
Speaker:That's gift biz unwrapped.com
Speaker:forward slash masterclass don't delay because the last class is this
Speaker:Thursday. Now about today's show.
Speaker:It's inevitable in life that there are going to be times
Speaker:when you need to have a conversation with your spouse,
Speaker:partner, or a friend about a serious topic.
Speaker:It may be uncomfortable or challenging and you're just not sure
Speaker:how it's going to be received.
Speaker:Wouldn't it be great to have some structure around how to
Speaker:handle these discussions and know what to do based on the
Speaker:different types of reactions you might receive?
Speaker:You may be in this place,
Speaker:right thinking of telling your spouse that you want to open
Speaker:your own business and what it will entail in terms of
Speaker:an investment or possibly quitting your nine to five.
Speaker:In this episode,
Speaker:you're going to learn the four steps to manage the conversation
Speaker:in the most respectful and caring way and what to do
Speaker:next. Based on the three potential responses you'll receive,
Speaker:you'll be able to apply this process to any important topic
Speaker:that arises in your life.
Speaker:I can't wait for you to hear all about it.
Speaker:It is my pleasure to introduce you to a very special
Speaker:person with a very special topic.
Speaker:It's my pleasure to introduce you to Anna Osborne.
Speaker:She's the owner of life unscripted counseling and host of the
Speaker:her life unscripted podcast where she focuses on reconnecting couples and
Speaker:inspiring individuals.
Speaker:She helps couples and individuals to improve communication,
Speaker:deepen intimacy,
Speaker:and change negative patterns of disconnection in their love relationships and
Speaker:also works with entrepreneurial woman to inspire and motivate them to
Speaker:step fully into their voice and live their lives out loud.
Speaker:She believes that your primary relationship can be your greatest tool
Speaker:or greatest barrier to success.
Speaker:Anna, welcome to the gift biz unwrapped podcast.
Speaker:Thank you,
Speaker:Sue. I'm so delighted to be here.
Speaker:I am too,
Speaker:and we're going to dive right in with my traditional introductory
Speaker:question and that is to have you describe yourself as if
Speaker:you were a motivational candle.
Speaker:So if you were to pick a color and a quote
Speaker:that created a candle,
Speaker:that is totally you.
Speaker:Anna, what would your motivational candle look like?
Speaker:Yes. I'm so excited by this question.
Speaker:I would be that really cool.
Speaker:Emeril, the green is what the color I would be and
Speaker:the quote would be sexually.
Speaker:I got it from a John Maxwell book and it says,
Speaker:how far can I go?
Speaker:And that's honestly a question that I ask myself a lot
Speaker:of times when I'm in that place of fear or overwhelm,
Speaker:especially around home life or business growth and just asking this
Speaker:question of how far can I go and using it to
Speaker:really combat those self limiting beliefs and that kind of like
Speaker:doubt monster some sometimes can really take over.
Speaker:I love those words doubt monster because you always hear imposter
Speaker:syndrome, right?
Speaker:I never heard this before and when you said it,
Speaker:what it brought to me right away was the thought that
Speaker:we're in total control of how far we go.
Speaker:We often think that other people put limits on us,
Speaker:but I think it's ourselves who are limiting our own growth.
Speaker:What do you think about that?
Speaker:I totally agree.
Speaker:Yeah. I mean other people definitely can project their stories on
Speaker:to us and put limits on us,
Speaker:but the limits that we put on ourselves are far greater,
Speaker:more intense,
Speaker:and they are just so warped in ways these ways that
Speaker:we get in play small or keep ourselves small because we
Speaker:let fear make decisions for us.
Speaker:I tell my kids this all the time is that we
Speaker:look fear in the eye.
Speaker:We evaluated to see whether or not it's a legitimate threat
Speaker:and then we give it a high five and keep walking.
Speaker:There you go.
Speaker:You like that?
Speaker:I liked that a lot and I have to say I
Speaker:think this is going to get to be a deep conversation,
Speaker:Anna. As I start working with more and more people and
Speaker:I'm guilty of it myself,
Speaker:so I'm not preaching,
Speaker:I'm agreeing and I'm actually putting myself in the circle with
Speaker:everybody else.
Speaker:We often think that our ability to progress is limited by
Speaker:outside factors.
Speaker:When I really think the biggest barrier we have sits right
Speaker:inside ourself.
Speaker:We have everything we need,
Speaker:but we don't realize,
Speaker:recognize or have the courage sometimes to access it.
Speaker:Yeah, and I think That what really is hard to,
Speaker:and cause I'm in that bucket too,
Speaker:right, is what's really difficult is that when we realize that
Speaker:we are the greatest ones that hold ourselves back,
Speaker:the power of that,
Speaker:that sometimes can be so overwhelming that we want to place
Speaker:it on something that's external.
Speaker:Because when we really recognize that our ability to step into
Speaker:our voice,
Speaker:step into our power to not fit the mold of somebody
Speaker:else's story onto us,
Speaker:that that can be so overwhelming that we want to go
Speaker:back to playing small.
Speaker:But once we are aware of our power,
Speaker:you can't ever unknow that.
Speaker:I think of it like,
Speaker:I call it my hot dog analogy where essentially you can
Speaker:enjoy a hot dog.
Speaker:You can have one at a 4th of July barbecue or
Speaker:kids' backyard barbecue,
Speaker:things like that.
Speaker:But once you read the ingredients of what's actually in a
Speaker:hot dog,
Speaker:you can still have one but you never enjoy it quite
Speaker:the same because you kind of know what's in there.
Speaker:And awareness is this the same way as once we know
Speaker:something and that deep gut intuitive knowing way we can never
Speaker:unknow it about ourselves.
Speaker:And so when we see ourselves fully in our passion fully
Speaker:in our creative,
Speaker:fully in our power,
Speaker:we can have a run from that or unknowing.
Speaker:And I really do believe that the more we become comfortable
Speaker:with that full version of ourselves,
Speaker:the more we crave it.
Speaker:We're overwhelmed by it,
Speaker:but it's an exhilarating overwhelm and that is a process to
Speaker:more into that and kind of tread these ideas of who
Speaker:we thought we were supposed to be in a smaller way
Speaker:and who people needed us to be in that smaller way.
Speaker:Yes, I agree with you,
Speaker:but I have to say I am one who doesn't really
Speaker:want to know what's inside that hotdog because when I have
Speaker:them, I want to love them.
Speaker:Right. I'm with you a hundred percent don't show me the
Speaker:ingredients. I'm just better not knowing.
Speaker:Yes, I don't have hot dogs enough to worry,
Speaker:but I really want to enjoy them when I do.
Speaker:Yes, and I think also when you recognize this,
Speaker:the more serious side,
Speaker:when you get comfortable with this and you think that you
Speaker:can be in total control of what's going to happen next
Speaker:for you,
Speaker:it's so empowering and so exciting when you really think of
Speaker:the possibilities that do exist.
Speaker:And we're going to get into all of this.
Speaker:I know,
Speaker:but before we do,
Speaker:can you share with us a little bit about how you
Speaker:decided that this is where you are going to place your
Speaker:energies and your focus for your career?
Speaker:Yeah. I,
Speaker:I actually,
Speaker:I was premed when I started my undergrad and I was
Speaker:very much the science and the just the facts and I
Speaker:took a random psychology class.
Speaker:I was required to take it and I was at the
Speaker:university of Arizona,
Speaker:so it's five,
Speaker:600 people in lecture halls and I'm just walking in with
Speaker:my sophomore pissy attitude and I'm sitting in that class and
Speaker:the very,
Speaker:very, very back of the class and the professor started speaking
Speaker:and all of a sudden it's like the whole world shrunk
Speaker:down to just her and I having a conversation and she
Speaker:was speaking a language that I thought everybody looked at the
Speaker:world through this lens.
Speaker:Like I thought that was just how people saw the world
Speaker:through that interconnectedness and that relational component and being able to
Speaker:see things in a million different shades of gray.
Speaker:And I didn't realize that that wasn't something everybody experienced.
Speaker:And I remember where I went home and I called my
Speaker:parents and I said,
Speaker:I'm changing my major to psychology.
Speaker:And they said,
Speaker:do you want to go to class number two?
Speaker:Like go to day two and see?
Speaker:And I said,
Speaker:no. Like we literally had this soul to soul conversation even
Speaker:though there was,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:hundreds of people around us.
Speaker:And it completely changed because the way I'd always seen the
Speaker:world and these relational kind of interconnected pieces,
Speaker:I didn't know that that was a thing that you could
Speaker:study. I didn't know it was a thing that you could
Speaker:do. And that really just put me on this track to
Speaker:getting my undergrad in psychology and then my master's in psychology
Speaker:and getting my license to be a licensed marriage and family
Speaker:therapist. And I've now been practicing therapy for about 14 years
Speaker:now. And I work at the very beginning of my work
Speaker:with a lot of trauma survivors and that was really,
Speaker:really intense,
Speaker:powerful work and high burnout factor and realizing that I won't
Speaker:make a ripple effect in my community and that if I
Speaker:could work with relationships before they became unhealthy or if I
Speaker:could work with relationships that had been modeled,
Speaker:unhealthy stuff that could I help create a ripple effect to
Speaker:my community to have a folks creating a different branch to
Speaker:their family tree by really modeling just more connection,
Speaker:more healthy communication,
Speaker:more fun because it was safe enough to do so.
Speaker:And that's where I've spent the last 10 years as a
Speaker:couples therapist.
Speaker:And as a business owner,
Speaker:I've owned my own business for the last night and I
Speaker:have a seven year old twins and I'm a wife of
Speaker:11 years.
Speaker:And so that complexity of building a business and growing a
Speaker:business and being so passionate about it.
Speaker:Okay. And then also wanting to show up in my marriage
Speaker:and my kids is where I've just found so much enjoyment
Speaker:out of just encouraging women to lean into their gifts.
Speaker:And so that's what brought me to your podcast and what
Speaker:brought me to reaching out and saying,
Speaker:I want to get to know your audience more.
Speaker:Yeah. There's a couple of things I want to say about
Speaker:this. The first is it always amazes me how there can
Speaker:be one single moment in time that literally changes everything.
Speaker:And yours is a perfect example.
Speaker:There was just one class that hit you right?
Speaker:And that was it.
Speaker:Yes. It's so cool when those things happen,
Speaker:even though it was a totally different track.
Speaker:So what did your parents think?
Speaker:Were they cool with it or did they think you were
Speaker:crazy? Oh,
Speaker:they were totally good with it.
Speaker:I'm the middle child of three girls and my dad always,
Speaker:it doesn't sound unloving,
Speaker:but he always says in the most loving way,
Speaker:but you're the only person that can land in a pile
Speaker:of, you know what?
Speaker:Coming out smelling like roses.
Speaker:So that is my personality is that I,
Speaker:for better or for worse,
Speaker:I tend to dive in and go,
Speaker:okay, now how do I do this?
Speaker:And so they knew that about me and I wasn't doing
Speaker:the best in school school.
Speaker:It was because I wasn't passionate about what I was doing.
Speaker:I thought I wanted to help people in that realm.
Speaker:But the way I've been able to connect with people through
Speaker:the work of therapy has been just something that I light
Speaker:up about.
Speaker:And so I think saw that.
Speaker:I'm sure.
Speaker:I can only imagine after I hung up the phone,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:three States away of the conversation they had,
Speaker:she goes again,
Speaker:a hundred percent a hundred percent that's probably what it was
Speaker:like you said.
Speaker:It was that perfect time where I could hear it.
Speaker:And I think what was so powerful for me was I
Speaker:went in with just this negative attitude thinking,
Speaker:Oh, psychology.
Speaker:Oh, I just had such a negative belief system.
Speaker:We had seen a family therapist late in my high school
Speaker:years, and the person was just ever three example of why
Speaker:you shouldn't go to therapy.
Speaker:I mean,
Speaker:just bad that bad.
Speaker:So I had such a negative idea in my head of
Speaker:what those people do.
Speaker:I mean,
Speaker:just very 19 don't know anything,
Speaker:but I thought I knew everything.
Speaker:And so it was the exact perfect time to just burst
Speaker:me open and go,
Speaker:Oh my goodness,
Speaker:yes. This is how I look at the world.
Speaker:Like I can't believe that I could do something like this
Speaker:and make a living and enjoy it and grow as a
Speaker:person by doing it.
Speaker:Yeah. Well,
Speaker:I have to say that when you see things that are
Speaker:being done wrong,
Speaker:when you then look at the opposite,
Speaker:it's even a better learning for you of what you should
Speaker:be doing to do it the right way.
Speaker:So possibly you having that experience negative on family therapy.
Speaker:Luckily you kept your mind open for the future,
Speaker:but then you saw this is exactly what is not going
Speaker:to be happening in my practice.
Speaker:Definitely. And it's really how I've built my practice is wanting
Speaker:to say,
Speaker:okay, like how even if I'm not the right fit for
Speaker:somebody and they're reaching out,
Speaker:how can I give them a warm hand off to somebody
Speaker:who's a better fit?
Speaker:Because you know,
Speaker:working in your community for 14 years,
Speaker:you know a lot of people that do different stuff than
Speaker:you. And so that's something that has been always near and
Speaker:dear to my heart that when somebody says,
Speaker:Hey, we didn't have the right fit before,
Speaker:I want to try and get them the right fit because
Speaker:it is so hard to reach out for help.
Speaker:I mean,
Speaker:it's hard to ask our partners for help.
Speaker:It's hard to ask our friends for help,
Speaker:pick up the phone and ask a therapist for all of
Speaker:them. There's so many messages that are connected to that that
Speaker:are hopefully inaccurate,
Speaker:but still they become great barriers.
Speaker:Right? For sure.
Speaker:Okay. So I'd like to take this conversation in two separate
Speaker:paths. One is going to be relationships and the other will
Speaker:be having a support system for your business.
Speaker:So someone that you can go to to lean on in
Speaker:those inevitable times when you need support.
Speaker:This may be your significant other,
Speaker:but not necessarily.
Speaker:So let's go with number one first relationships.
Speaker:And let's talk a little bit about communication with all the
Speaker:various people who are significant in our lives.
Speaker:Do you have any direction for us,
Speaker:especially if someone is looking at entering into some conversations that
Speaker:could be a little risky,
Speaker:such as starting a business,
Speaker:how do we ensure that our relationships are on a solid
Speaker:foundation before we even enter into those types of conversations?
Speaker:Well, yeah,
Speaker:no, I think that's a great question because relationships thrive off
Speaker:of stability,
Speaker:whatever the version of stability is,
Speaker:right? All of our homeostasis looks different,
Speaker:but relationships thrive off of stability.
Speaker:It's they thrive off of safety.
Speaker:And yet when we are doing something new or growing a
Speaker:dream, growing a passion,
Speaker:that requires change.
Speaker:And so those two stability and change are trying to exist
Speaker:in the same system.
Speaker:It can create a lot of angst,
Speaker:a lot of worry,
Speaker:a lot of confusion.
Speaker:And so I think fundamentally we have to know that our
Speaker:relationships thrive on that stability.
Speaker:And if we're throwing in currents of change,
Speaker:it's understandable that it's going to create some level of disruption
Speaker:and to disruption.
Speaker:Does it necessarily have a negative connotation?
Speaker:Right? Disruption is just some waves that we've got to manage.
Speaker:So I think that if you go in knowing that it's
Speaker:going to create some waves,
Speaker:we aren't as surprised by them.
Speaker:We aren't as horrified or we don't use them as those
Speaker:enter the,
Speaker:see, I knew it,
Speaker:right? It's like we see this one little indicator of disruption
Speaker:and we go,
Speaker:Oh, it's too hard.
Speaker:I can't do it.
Speaker:Right? We don't use those to validate our fear story.
Speaker:So I think one is knowing that communication or that relationship
Speaker:piece needs that stability.
Speaker:And yet change kind of creates a little bit of waves.
Speaker:So when we approach communication,
Speaker:then we have to approach it knowing that we want to
Speaker:get to the fear place to have the real conversation.
Speaker:And what I mean is fear,
Speaker:worry, overwhelm,
Speaker:any of those just really icky feelings to have.
Speaker:Those are the ones that are just very vulnerable and close
Speaker:to us.
Speaker:The ones that are a little bit farther removed,
Speaker:we call them secondary emotions are more the ones that our
Speaker:friends or our partner,
Speaker:our support system might see.
Speaker:Then we're overwhelmed.
Speaker:Maybe we're a little agitated,
Speaker:frustrated, irritable.
Speaker:They're kind of more of the distancing emotions,
Speaker:right? So we're approaching communication and we're in those distancing emotions
Speaker:that your ability,
Speaker:the frustration,
Speaker:those sorts of things.
Speaker:We just stay up there on the noise and we never
Speaker:get to the heart of him overwhelmed.
Speaker:I need some reassurance or Hey,
Speaker:I can see that you're really worried about this.
Speaker:I hear you.
Speaker:Let's talk about it.
Speaker:And so really the number one tip when it comes to
Speaker:communication, especially when change is happening is the closer you can
Speaker:get to more of those softer but our emotions and stay
Speaker:out of the noise in terms of the frustration,
Speaker:that irritation,
Speaker:the more authentic conversation you're going to have and honestly more
Speaker:of the forward moving conversation will take place.
Speaker:Cause you're talking about,
Speaker:you actually need to talk about,
Speaker:Okay, so I understand you correctly.
Speaker:We're talking about a solid relationship where they're not going to
Speaker:seek information and support elsewhere.
Speaker:When you're approaching a conversation with a relationship that's already solid,
Speaker:obviously understanding that there's ups and downs with all relationships,
Speaker:right? But this is a solid relationship and you're going to
Speaker:be approaching a topic that could be really sensitive,
Speaker:like maybe quitting your nine to five because you're thinking of
Speaker:starting a business,
Speaker:right? And let's just pretend it's me.
Speaker:Let's say I am now talking to my husband and I'm
Speaker:approaching this topic.
Speaker:Hey honey,
Speaker:guess what?
Speaker:I've got news.
Speaker:I am quitting my corporate job to start my own business.
Speaker:And so what you're saying in situations like that is recognize
Speaker:that you will probably be throwing the relationship,
Speaker:not the long term stability of the relationship,
Speaker:but the current relationship a little bit off kilter by that
Speaker:announcement because you're messy with the safety and the stability of
Speaker:the relationship.
Speaker:Would that be fair to say?
Speaker:Absolutely. Cause you're coming in,
Speaker:you're enthusiastic.
Speaker:I'm going to live my dream,
Speaker:right. Goodbye to the corporate world and partner,
Speaker:they may move into,
Speaker:yes, that's amazing.
Speaker:But usually our partner moves into a counterbalance move,
Speaker:which is,
Speaker:wait, what are you going to do?
Speaker:Right? And so when we hear that a little bit of
Speaker:doubt or that question is coming from them,
Speaker:usually we can interpret that as they're not supportive or,
Speaker:and then we move to a place of frustration because we
Speaker:feel hurt.
Speaker:Right? I came to you with this big old exciting thing.
Speaker:You seemed a little bit but not so excited.
Speaker:And so now I have maybe a little bit irritable or
Speaker:my feelings are hurt.
Speaker:And so that's when you usually move up into that part
Speaker:of communication.
Speaker:It isn't so productive.
Speaker:Right? Because you're kind of in that the noise as I
Speaker:call it versus you and a partner and you're saying,
Speaker:yes, I'm so excited.
Speaker:I'm sure that might be a big question marks for you.
Speaker:How are you feeling?
Speaker:Right? You move into more of that softer piece because they're
Speaker:maybe lackluster response isn't because they don't support,
Speaker:it's because they're scared they're going,
Speaker:well wait a second.
Speaker:What about our benefits?
Speaker:Or, or how are we going to meet?
Speaker:How are we gonna afford this?
Speaker:Like they can move into all those fear based questions and
Speaker:so the more that you can move in there and have
Speaker:the conversation in that place,
Speaker:much more productive because you're really hearing each other's questions and
Speaker:their fear rather than interpreting that as doubt or unsupport and
Speaker:those sorts of things.
Speaker:Yeah. Cause I could see it spiral out of control.
Speaker:Yeah, because you're so excited and you're presenting your idea and
Speaker:it's probably just the overall concept because you don't have all
Speaker:the detail behind the idea yet.
Speaker:It's just an overall thought.
Speaker:They may seem less supportive and now you're all upset because
Speaker:what you were excited about,
Speaker:it looks like you are going to be meeting with some
Speaker:resistance when for you at that point you need a super
Speaker:ton of support to get going.
Speaker:Right. And if you don't talk more about it on that
Speaker:deeper level,
Speaker:like you're saying,
Speaker:it can grow into this big smoke bomb.
Speaker:I'm thinking of emotion and frustration and all that where that
Speaker:never really needed to happen.
Speaker:Absolutely. So this is actually leading to a question and I
Speaker:have to keep talking or I'm going to forget it,
Speaker:Anna, but is there a certain way to approach this or
Speaker:a structure or steps we should follow?
Speaker:Or what would you suggest to somebody who is anticipating that
Speaker:they're going to be in some type of a situation like
Speaker:this? I guess I'm thinking here about preparation.
Speaker:Do you have any tips on how you prepare yourself to
Speaker:enter into this conversation?
Speaker:So you get the best result and you're being sympathetic to
Speaker:the person who's going to be receiving your message?
Speaker:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker:So the first is you as the speaker right?
Speaker:You as the one getting ready to lean into this passion
Speaker:to lean into this creative space and grow a business is
Speaker:you need to be clear of what you're needing from part.
Speaker:Because the majority of people that I work with,
Speaker:even in couples therapy,
Speaker:that when they get a clear message from their partner what
Speaker:they need,
Speaker:they're so eager to meet that need because it's clear,
Speaker:right? It's when we use these kind of vague words that
Speaker:our partners tend to get that deer in the headlights and
Speaker:go, Oh my goodness,
Speaker:you're asking for something.
Speaker:I don't know exactly what it is.
Speaker:And so I'm either going to try this approach or I'm
Speaker:going to do nothing cause I don't wanna make it worse.
Speaker:So the number one thing is you've gotta be clear of
Speaker:what you're needing from partner so that you can verbalize and
Speaker:accurately ask for it.
Speaker:So when you're starting a conversation of this nature,
Speaker:when it's coming out of left field even,
Speaker:could you or would it even make sense to say something
Speaker:like, I have something really new to talk with you about
Speaker:and I'm really interested in your thoughts and your opinion on
Speaker:this, but I want you to hear me all the way
Speaker:through before you say anything.
Speaker:That way it gives you a little bit of space and
Speaker:time to talk where you know you're not going to be
Speaker:interrupted, but the person who's listening also realizes that they're going
Speaker:to get time to respond and voice their thoughts.
Speaker:A hundred percent yes,
Speaker:because it's clearly knowing what you need and there's sometimes where
Speaker:you go into communication with a partner and you're saying,
Speaker:I need you to be supportive right now.
Speaker:Even if this sounds crazy or the sounds like you've got
Speaker:a million questions,
Speaker:I need you just to have a smile on her face
Speaker:and say yes,
Speaker:and then once I get it all out and I feel
Speaker:your support,
Speaker:then we can dive into maybe some of the questions you
Speaker:have of just being really,
Speaker:really clear with what we need.
Speaker:And so that really sets up the second piece.
Speaker:That's beautiful.
Speaker:Yeah. Right?
Speaker:Because if we know what we're need usually,
Speaker:not only are we more likely to get it,
Speaker:but we feel so hurt.
Speaker:And so seeing because we were clear with it and partner
Speaker:was able to clearly meet it,
Speaker:but it creates an expectation that occurs and that feels really,
Speaker:really reassuring to the relational unit.
Speaker:Got it.
Speaker:Yeah. Super.
Speaker:Okay, so that's the first piece,
Speaker:right? That the first piece is knowing what we need.
Speaker:But the second piece is,
Speaker:it occurs after,
Speaker:but it's actually almost simultaneous is that we have to invite
Speaker:partner into the conversation.
Speaker:Meaning if know what I need right now is you to
Speaker:be my biggest cheerleader and put your doubts aside until I
Speaker:get this all out and then we can discuss is that
Speaker:I need to now invite you into that space.
Speaker:Because what happens in just day to day communication is that
Speaker:we've been running something over through her head for quite a
Speaker:while and then we go to partner and say,
Speaker:Hey, by the way,
Speaker:and that completely is the first time they've heard this,
Speaker:right? Or they've never heard it organized in this fashion.
Speaker:So that's when we move into the invitation,
Speaker:which is,
Speaker:Hey, I want to talk to you about something.
Speaker:A big idea I've got is now a good time for
Speaker:you and I really need you to be open and supportive.
Speaker:Is now a good time for you?
Speaker:So that partner is now knowing what they're walking in to
Speaker:and what the expectation of them is.
Speaker:Because if a person walks through the door and we kind
Speaker:of pounce and say,
Speaker:I've got this thing to tell you,
Speaker:you ready?
Speaker:And partner's saying like,
Speaker:well, no,
Speaker:I'd like to put down my bag and put on some
Speaker:comfy clothes or whatever it is,
Speaker:right? Like we have to invite them into that space and
Speaker:it's okay for the party partner to say,
Speaker:you know what,
Speaker:not right now can we do it in an hour?
Speaker:But it needs to have that book end knowing that we're
Speaker:going to follow up to it.
Speaker:Because if you come to partner with all of this excitement
Speaker:and say,
Speaker:Hey, I've got this big idea that can we talk about
Speaker:it now?
Speaker:I really need you to be supportive.
Speaker:And they say,
Speaker:no, no,
Speaker:it's not a good time.
Speaker:And they just walk away.
Speaker:That feels like rejection,
Speaker:right? That feels like we came to them with this vulnerable
Speaker:thing and we got rejected.
Speaker:So that's really why that second step is so important.
Speaker:We've got to know what we need,
Speaker:but we've got an invite partnering in that space and if
Speaker:partner says yes,
Speaker:but in 20 minutes we've got to honor that because we're
Speaker:setting an expectation and they need that space to kind of
Speaker:wrap their head around,
Speaker:okay, let me take some breaths,
Speaker:let me move into that supportive place so that I can
Speaker:be there in the way that my partner needs.
Speaker:That is so brilliant because honestly,
Speaker:I mean timing is all important,
Speaker:right? The same message delivered at a time when someone's in
Speaker:a position to receive it versus when someone is super stressed
Speaker:just coming home with other things on their mind and just
Speaker:exhausted it would be received in an entirely different way.
Speaker:Yeah. We have a thing here in the office,
Speaker:my assistant,
Speaker:Lori and I that when we come in first thing in
Speaker:the morning,
Speaker:it's like,
Speaker:let us sit down,
Speaker:take our coat off,
Speaker:put our stuff away,
Speaker:wrap up a computer.
Speaker:Maybe if we have to check an email or something like
Speaker:that, but literally settle in before we start going over questions
Speaker:that we have for each other or to do lists or
Speaker:goals or that kind of thing versus bombarding each other.
Speaker:The second we walk in the door with things that are
Speaker:on our important to do list,
Speaker:so similar type of thing.
Speaker:I'm thinking.
Speaker:Yes, absolutely.
Speaker:Yeah. Okay,
Speaker:so you have to know specifically in your mind exactly what
Speaker:you're going to need from your partner and then you let
Speaker:them know that you'd like to have a conversation and you
Speaker:ask if this is a good time,
Speaker:is that right?
Speaker:Right. And then your rip cord,
Speaker:right. That kind of third cord is to be able to
Speaker:let partner have their response,
Speaker:right? Or it's to let them have their feelings because think
Speaker:of it,
Speaker:let's say we had this podcast,
Speaker:right? We've got this scheduled,
Speaker:let's say three minutes before we're recording.
Speaker:I send you a message and I say,
Speaker:Hey Sue,
Speaker:don't be upset,
Speaker:but there's a class to the gym I didn't want to
Speaker:miss. And so we need to reschedule the podcast.
Speaker:Right? So that's not fair.
Speaker:Right? You're allowed to be upset by that.
Speaker:You're allowed to be disappointed like you had set the time
Speaker:aside. I set the time aside and then I just disregard
Speaker:it. So we need to let people have their feelings.
Speaker:And could you be upset?
Speaker:Absolutely. Could you be disappointed?
Speaker:A hundred percent does that mean that I'm a disappointment?
Speaker:No. No.
Speaker:That doesn't mean my being as a discipline appointment did.
Speaker:That was I being kind of inconsiderate.
Speaker:Yeah, but that doesn't mean I am inconsiderate.
Speaker:And so when we move into this conversation with a partner,
Speaker:we're clear what we need.
Speaker:We've invited them into this space.
Speaker:They feel like they're willingly coming in because it's on their
Speaker:terms. Also.
Speaker:We can't then say,
Speaker:Hey, I want to tell you this really big thing,
Speaker:but you can't be worried or you can't have any questions
Speaker:or you can't.
Speaker:Like, we can't dictate that from them because that's their feelings.
Speaker:That's their response.
Speaker:They have the freedom to have whatever feelings are going to
Speaker:come up A hundred percent we have a responsibility of not
Speaker:taking that whatever feeling they have in terms of a way,
Speaker:as a negative depiction of us.
Speaker:Meaning if you respond back in this fictional email and you
Speaker:say, thanks for letting me know,
Speaker:I'm really disappointed,
Speaker:right? I then don't need to take the meaning away of
Speaker:well, she must hate me and I must really be a
Speaker:disappointment and this means that you start rolling into this narrative
Speaker:that doesn't exist.
Speaker:And so really the third piece is let your partner have
Speaker:their feelings and be really cautious of how you're interpreting those
Speaker:feelings as meaning as belief systems.
Speaker:Because there is a difference between how we feel and the
Speaker:meaning we take away from things the difference.
Speaker:Got it.
Speaker:They are entitled to their feelings and you can't internalize their
Speaker:reaction to be how they're feeling about you overall.
Speaker:It's just how they're feeling about the situation you're presenting at
Speaker:the time.
Speaker:Yeah, definitely.
Speaker:So, yeah,
Speaker:that's the third piece is let them have their feelings and
Speaker:just be really cautious about your own meaning that we take
Speaker:away. Okay.
Speaker:Can I ask you a question here?
Speaker:Go ahead.
Speaker:So I've been in conversation with people before who are already
Speaker:anticipating that when they bring up an uncomfortable idea,
Speaker:they're already anticipating that the reaction is going to be negative.
Speaker:So do you think by them anticipating that they've set themselves
Speaker:up to actually be in receipt of that reaction?
Speaker:You see what I'm saying?
Speaker:Growth at self fulfilling prophecy.
Speaker:Yeah. Yes.
Speaker:Self fulfilling prophecy versus particularly as they're listening to us now
Speaker:and they go through these steps first,
Speaker:they can kind of lead to their partner having a more
Speaker:positive and comfortable reaction.
Speaker:Because you've said what you need,
Speaker:you're inviting them in.
Speaker:You're going to be accepting of whatever reaction that they have.
Speaker:So maybe you're not going to get that reaction that you
Speaker:assumed initially would be so negative.
Speaker:Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker:And sometimes we can create almost a UTURN and communication.
Speaker:Uh, you turn in communication.
Speaker:That sounds interesting and we're going to hear more about that
Speaker:after a word from our sponsor.
Speaker:This podcast is made possible thanks to the support of the
Speaker:ribbon print company.
Speaker:Create custom ribbons right in your store or craft studio in
Speaker:seconds. Visit the ribbon,
Speaker:print company.com
Speaker:for more information.
Speaker:Uh, you turn in communication,
Speaker:meaning you're having these conversations.
Speaker:I would be curious if somebody says,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:I think my partner's going to get really upset.
Speaker:They don't like change or whatever the case may be.
Speaker:I'd want to know the why.
Speaker:Like why is that?
Speaker:Are you assuming that would be the response?
Speaker:Well, their dad had a really unstable job and their mom
Speaker:was the primary caring provider and she was,
Speaker:we barely were able to make ends meet.
Speaker:And so you start getting to,
Speaker:Oh, so you saying,
Speaker:Hey, I'm going to leave the corporate world and start my
Speaker:own business.
Speaker:That really represents a lot of fear to them.
Speaker:Right? So if they know the why going in,
Speaker:then you can speak to that.
Speaker:Meaning, Hey,
Speaker:I want to talk to you about this big idea.
Speaker:You've got a got,
Speaker:there's some parts of it that might sound kind of scary
Speaker:and overwhelming and that's okay,
Speaker:but I want to share it with you so we can
Speaker:kind of talk our way through it.
Speaker:So you're almost creating this,
Speaker:you turn by naming the why or naming the true trigger
Speaker:feelings that could come up from partner so that when they
Speaker:start feeling this feature or this overwhelmed that you anticipated,
Speaker:and you've put that U-turn in there,
Speaker:it almost prevents their mind from diving all the way there.
Speaker:It almost plays a role of validating it,
Speaker:right? Because you're saying,
Speaker:I know this might be scary,
Speaker:and then you're having the conversation and they're feeling scared.
Speaker:They're usually able to go,
Speaker:Oh, okay.
Speaker:But they knew this was going to be very,
Speaker:and we can still do it.
Speaker:So sometimes you can actually create that U-turn for them by
Speaker:knowing the why I around whatever assumption you have going into
Speaker:this sort of conversation.
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:that's so good.
Speaker:And it also shows the person who's initiating the conversation that
Speaker:they've taken into consideration what the reaction might be.
Speaker:So there's a level of caring that's already established there.
Speaker:Yeah, because our greatest need in our relationship is to be
Speaker:seen and heard like that is like from cradle to grave,
Speaker:right? This is like attachment theory in its purest form is
Speaker:our greatest need is to be seen to be heard.
Speaker:We just transfer that need from the child caregiver,
Speaker:a relationship to our instrument partner,
Speaker:like just cradle to grave.
Speaker:We have this need throughout our entire lives and so when
Speaker:we walk into this conversation and say,
Speaker:Hey, this is what I need,
Speaker:is this a good time for you?
Speaker:Not only are we requesting to be seen,
Speaker:but when we put that uterine in or we validate this
Speaker:might be overwhelming,
Speaker:this might be scary.
Speaker:We help partner to also feel seen in that way.
Speaker:It grounds the conversation with so much more quickly and just
Speaker:really remarkable ways.
Speaker:The forthright is just giving some breathing room,
Speaker:right? Because the thing is we're pushing this conversation.
Speaker:Like I said initially we're kind of coming in with an
Speaker:advantage, right?
Speaker:Like, we've got all of this planning and rehearsing and roleplaying
Speaker:that we've done in our head around how we want to
Speaker:present this to partner.
Speaker:Then we need to give some breathing space for them to
Speaker:process through.
Speaker:Relationships are that perfect definition of the balance of the counterbalance
Speaker:the into the gang.
Speaker:And so the typical pairing in most partnerships is one person
Speaker:is an external processor,
Speaker:meaning that on their problem solving something or mulling something over,
Speaker:they want to do it verbally with somebody that is supportive,
Speaker:right? So they want to externalize it.
Speaker:And the perfect match to that is somebody who's an internal
Speaker:processor, meaning they need to take that time,
Speaker:they need to kind of be reflective to where they kind
Speaker:of process through to a more balanced place.
Speaker:And when we rush either people out of their process,
Speaker:it's when we tend to have the most miscommunications.
Speaker:So really the fourth step is give us some breathing room,
Speaker:is that we can't go into change with a sense of
Speaker:urgency, that it's you don't decide yes,
Speaker:that you're onboard to support me in the next 10 minutes.
Speaker:It means you don't love me.
Speaker:We have to allow for that breathing space so that we
Speaker:can almost redistribute that power balance,
Speaker:right? That we're both come coming in with an advantage,
Speaker:meaning we've both given the time that we need to process
Speaker:it through so that we can come to a problem solving
Speaker:a logistic planning and implementation or action element of the conversation.
Speaker:But we can't get there until we both feel heard and
Speaker:both feel seen.
Speaker:This is so concrete and so directional.
Speaker:I'm so happy we're sharing this with everybody.
Speaker:Let me tell you what I did with my husband.
Speaker:I've now started two businesses where I've had to have this
Speaker:kind of a conversation.
Speaker:I didn't approach it exactly like this,
Speaker:but the outcome was good.
Speaker:So I think I did an okay job.
Speaker:One of the things I also did was I said,
Speaker:okay Michael,
Speaker:this is what I see it looking like.
Speaker:So when I started my first business,
Speaker:I said,
Speaker:I'm going to start in about six months.
Speaker:In the meantime,
Speaker:I'm going to be planning for it and this is how
Speaker:much I would like to invest from our family funds.
Speaker:Then I'm going to run the business for six months and
Speaker:then reanalyze.
Speaker:We'll see how it's doing and then determine from there what
Speaker:would happen next.
Speaker:And then as things were progressing,
Speaker:I would keep him informed.
Speaker:It's not like I had to report back to him all
Speaker:the time,
Speaker:but I just gave him some updates here and there because
Speaker:that way he wasn't kept in the dark.
Speaker:Because I think a lot of times the fear of unknown
Speaker:makes people really uncomfortable and uneasy,
Speaker:especially if your family finances are part of this conversation because
Speaker:we were investing not a lot of money,
Speaker:a little bit of money for the first business,
Speaker:much more money for the second business.
Speaker:Any comments on this approach or things that you could have
Speaker:added where I w you know,
Speaker:things that I could have done better.
Speaker:Absolutely. Keep them informed and I love that idea of,
Speaker:and this is kind of how long I'm going to give
Speaker:myself, right?
Speaker:Or this is how long we're going to just stay grinding
Speaker:it out or whatever the case may be because there is
Speaker:so much,
Speaker:as much as we can keep our partners informed about our
Speaker:business growth,
Speaker:our business obstacles,
Speaker:they're still in the dark a lot of ways because they're
Speaker:not living it every day and it's not their necessarily their
Speaker:passion that is now being turned into a business.
Speaker:So being able to keep them informed,
Speaker:but those little markers set an expectation of,
Speaker:Hey, this is really overwhelming or scary for you.
Speaker:This is how long I'm asking you to tolerate that discomfort
Speaker:versus, Hey,
Speaker:I know this is overwhelming for you and you just need
Speaker:to deal with it.
Speaker:As long as I feel like diving into it so that
Speaker:timeline or that for the next six months it's going to
Speaker:look like this helps to also create these markers and they
Speaker:might be arbitrary meaning that in six months it might look
Speaker:like this,
Speaker:but it keeps a touchstone in both people's minds of being
Speaker:able to say,
Speaker:okay, the six months has come and gone.
Speaker:Do we keep leaning into it?
Speaker:Is there some ways that we can help help it grow
Speaker:more? Is it something that six months was long enough to
Speaker:see whether or not it was a viable business?
Speaker:So that really helps to ground it because we've got some
Speaker:indicator of how do we measure growth,
Speaker:how are we coming back to having monthly or quarterly conversations
Speaker:around this so that we're all on the same page.
Speaker:Okay, perfect.
Speaker:So we've talked about how to deliver the message and how
Speaker:not to internalize it.
Speaker:So let's say we've given our partners some breathing room and
Speaker:they come back a little while later and they're like,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:I've given this some thought and I am not with this
Speaker:program for whatever the reasons are.
Speaker:I don't like it,
Speaker:I don't buy into it.
Speaker:Then what do you do?
Speaker:Well, back in my early,
Speaker:early days of therapy,
Speaker:like I said,
Speaker:I worked a lot with trauma survivors and at the local
Speaker:domestic violence clinic.
Speaker:And then I worked with foster youth.
Speaker:So I was just in the throws of trauma work.
Speaker:And one thing that part of being a therapist for foster
Speaker:youth is that we just have to go to these meetings.
Speaker:They're called TDMs team decision making meetings where we'd sit around
Speaker:if there was a placement change for our kiddo or a
Speaker:school change,
Speaker:some really big change in their life as we all had
Speaker:to sit down as the support people in this child's life
Speaker:and make a decision of,
Speaker:okay, are we going to change placements or what are we
Speaker:going to do to help support this kid?
Speaker:So it would be myself as a therapist,
Speaker:the attorney for the child,
Speaker:maybe the bio parent,
Speaker:maybe the foster parent,
Speaker:maybe, I mean the social worker,
Speaker:like we're all sitting in this room and we'd come up
Speaker:with the best decision that we thought possible to really help
Speaker:this kid thrive.
Speaker:And then this amazing thing would happen where we'd have to
Speaker:then go around the room with this said decision that had
Speaker:been kind of discussed and compromised.
Speaker:And we had to say whether or not we supported the
Speaker:decision, right?
Speaker:Like I agree with the decision and I will support it.
Speaker:Meaning the actions that I am going to do are going
Speaker:to be in support of yes,
Speaker:I agree with this decision or we had to raise our
Speaker:hand and say,
Speaker:I don't agree with the decision.
Speaker:I'm not on board,
Speaker:but I'm not going to work against it.
Speaker:Meaning I will agree to the steps that have been outlined
Speaker:in our plan as a service provider to this child and
Speaker:I'll do it with a pure heart,
Speaker:but I really just,
Speaker:I'm just,
Speaker:I don't agree with what decided here.
Speaker:Or the third option was,
Speaker:not only do I not agree with it,
Speaker:I'm not doing what you're asking me,
Speaker:like I'm not going to sabotage,
Speaker:but I'm not doing these things that are outlined in my
Speaker:realm to help this plan move forward and that skill,
Speaker:like that experience way early in my career is something that
Speaker:I've applied to really working with entrepreneurial women when they have
Speaker:a partner who's saying,
Speaker:I'm not on board is really getting down to the heart
Speaker:of, okay,
Speaker:that is hard to hear and we want to kind of
Speaker:process through the emotions that come with it because that's a
Speaker:hard thing to hear,
Speaker:right? But we've got to also then with partners say,
Speaker:okay, so of these three,
Speaker:right, if you're saying if we rule out,
Speaker:I agree with it,
Speaker:I'm going to support it,
Speaker:right? If partner is saying,
Speaker:I'm not on board,
Speaker:but our two other options then remain,
Speaker:which is you don't agree with it,
Speaker:but you're willing to support me in whatever this capacity looks
Speaker:like as I do it anyway.
Speaker:Or is it,
Speaker:I don't agree with it and I'm not going to do
Speaker:anything to support it And hopefully not sabotage though.
Speaker:Right. And hopefully not sabotage.
Speaker:Right. Which was never really a fourth option in these big
Speaker:old meetings,
Speaker:but there was some side glances that maybe there was,
Speaker:we're going to do that.
Speaker:Right? Yeah.
Speaker:But they could be in a relationship like we're talking about.
Speaker:They could be like,
Speaker:no, it's not right.
Speaker:I don't want you to do it.
Speaker:Or heaven forbid you have someone who is super controlling and
Speaker:dominating and says you cannot do this.
Speaker:Yes. And that's really because if we kind of spoke to
Speaker:the first group,
Speaker:which is,
Speaker:I agree with it,
Speaker:I'm going to support it.
Speaker:What we're talking about right now has kind of these two
Speaker:or maybe three categories in terms of the sabotage or,
Speaker:but if it's the second one,
Speaker:which is,
Speaker:I don't agree,
Speaker:but I will support it.
Speaker:That's not terrible.
Speaker:That one really what we want to do there is just
Speaker:be cautious of,
Speaker:it's not terrible and we just have to be really cautious
Speaker:about the meaning that we take away around partner's love for
Speaker:us because they will agree,
Speaker:but not support.
Speaker:They're talking about this idea.
Speaker:But I think of myself and a lot of business owners,
Speaker:what I do is a part of my identity,
Speaker:right? And so if a partner says to me,
Speaker:Hey, I don't agree with this idea,
Speaker:but I'll encourage you along the way.
Speaker:We've got to be cautious that I don't then take the
Speaker:meaning and say,
Speaker:Oh, well they don't really love me because they don't believe
Speaker:in my identity.
Speaker:Like we've just gotta be so cautious there with that kind
Speaker:of second group,
Speaker:right? It's not the worst,
Speaker:but we've just gotta be really careful that it doesn't kind
Speaker:of create these messages that we,
Speaker:even to the marriage or the relationship that create,
Speaker:that have a lot of resentment or injury.
Speaker:Like I said,
Speaker:be cautious there.
Speaker:I think to clarify what won't support or won't work against
Speaker:means, because for some people who are going to start a
Speaker:business, the first way that they're initially going to sell means
Speaker:going out to craft shows where they might be taking time
Speaker:away from their weekends or night times and their partner might
Speaker:be, well now I'm not seeing you as often because of
Speaker:this new career you have.
Speaker:And resentment might start building up in that way.
Speaker:Furthermore, they might say,
Speaker:and you know,
Speaker:don't expect me to be spending my weekend sitting with you
Speaker:at craft shows.
Speaker:I want to be fishing or playing golf or something like
Speaker:that. So they might not necessarily agree with it because in
Speaker:my example,
Speaker:they're not supporting it because of time.
Speaker:So maybe having some clarification over what their concerns are about
Speaker:supporting you.
Speaker:Um, maybe time is their issue and if you're a way
Speaker:to overcome that,
Speaker:then they'd be more supportive.
Speaker:Right. But it goes down to communication because they're really not
Speaker:trying to put you in kind of an I told you
Speaker:situation, they just have different concerns.
Speaker:Definitely. And that meaning thing goes both ways,
Speaker:right? Because if the maker is going to crash shows on
Speaker:the weekends and things like that.
Speaker:So if they're being cautious about not taking meaning away when
Speaker:a partner says,
Speaker:I disagree,
Speaker:but I'll support you,
Speaker:you go do your thing,
Speaker:right. That,
Speaker:that doesn't mean,
Speaker:well then you don't really care about me.
Speaker:Yeah. Like,
Speaker:okay, well don't expect me,
Speaker:I'm not doing that.
Speaker:Well, okay,
Speaker:now you know.
Speaker:Right, Right.
Speaker:And also being upfront of,
Speaker:okay, and when I go,
Speaker:what happens if you start feeling resentful of where I'm spending
Speaker:my time,
Speaker:like how do we have a plan to come back and
Speaker:start talking to each other if that resentments growing.
Speaker:Right. Like so really it's kind of getting to a plan
Speaker:of it's okay if you don't agree with it.
Speaker:Right. I appreciate that you're saying go do it,
Speaker:but I don't want to be a part of it.
Speaker:But what happens when I go do it?
Speaker:And you start feeling a little bit pushed away.
Speaker:Can you come to me and let me know that like
Speaker:can we have ongoing conversations so that we're still nurturing our
Speaker:relationship despite this really big exciting thing that I'm doing that
Speaker:you may not be on board with.
Speaker:So that's really where the conversation lies.
Speaker:Yeah, like maybe almost even formally setting checkpoints.
Speaker:Like every month let's go out to dinner,
Speaker:I'll share with you what I'm doing and where we're at.
Speaker:In turn,
Speaker:you can feel free to ask me questions and I'd also
Speaker:like input your thoughts and let's just have a conversation about
Speaker:all this.
Speaker:So everything is always staying out in the open.
Speaker:Definitely. And usually when we sat at that time aside,
Speaker:where that intentionality that we're showing partner is we're showing that
Speaker:they're a priority,
Speaker:right? And so even if it is once a month,
Speaker:we're going to sit down and do it because we keep
Speaker:that time as sacred and we've spent other weekends at other
Speaker:craft shows or building the business is usually partner can see
Speaker:the consistency around that intentional time together and less of that
Speaker:resentment or less of that negative meaning is attributed to the
Speaker:other time away because they see that they are also a
Speaker:priority. So it has amazing effects of just the consistency of
Speaker:it and then what comes out of the conversations.
Speaker:Okay, perfect.
Speaker:And then what happens when you get that full slam door
Speaker:response? It's a tough one.
Speaker:There's a lot of honestly,
Speaker:kind of mourning that has to happen around the response that
Speaker:we really wanted.
Speaker:Right? I'm not saying morning around the relationship ending,
Speaker:but morning around there's a lot of loss.
Speaker:I'm feeling around this part of me that feels like it
Speaker:needs to be put life into and I'm being told that
Speaker:not only his partner doesn't agree with what I wanting to
Speaker:do, but they're not going to support it.
Speaker:Right. That they're going to potentially make it hard or for
Speaker:me, I've got women I've worked with where they're building this
Speaker:business and it looks different when you are building a business.
Speaker:Then when you're in the nine to five like it just
Speaker:a lot of times to some people it may not look
Speaker:like what exactly are you doing right?
Speaker:And you're like,
Speaker:I am working so,
Speaker:so hard and yet it doesn't look the same way.
Speaker:And they will say,
Speaker:I've worked all day.
Speaker:I'm out there trying to build my confidence and grow my
Speaker:skill and I come home and all the things that maybe
Speaker:I was in charge of or had been divvied up prior
Speaker:to this are sitting there waiting for me to get done
Speaker:and the after I've come home like that just feels so
Speaker:unsupportive. Kids are still awake,
Speaker:nobody's been fed and it feels like a big old just
Speaker:punch in the gut of what is going on here that
Speaker:I'm being really feeling like I'm being sabotaged by partner in
Speaker:terms of them kind of dusting off their hands and saying,
Speaker:you know what?
Speaker:You do it,
Speaker:but nothing else can change.
Speaker:And it is,
Speaker:it does come with a lot of feelings of mourning,
Speaker:a loss.
Speaker:And really the biggest piece is can we get to the
Speaker:why? Like what is it that's going on for partner that
Speaker:is making them dig their heels in so much?
Speaker:Because the more we dig our heels in,
Speaker:the more stubborn place that we tear into you usually just
Speaker:because of fear.
Speaker:Like we will not move our position because we are fearful.
Speaker:And you ask a stubborn person if they're scared and they
Speaker:look at you like you're crazy,
Speaker:right? So you have to know that it,
Speaker:it's using language of help me understand why it's such a
Speaker:strong note or help me understand what is about it that
Speaker:makes you disagree with it.
Speaker:And usually as long as you're filtering down and filtering down,
Speaker:it will come to a place of fear.
Speaker:But it takes some time to get there because I'm a
Speaker:very stubborn person and I'm very in touch with fear now.
Speaker:But in my younger years,
Speaker:like I would deny to anybody that I was scared of
Speaker:anything. And now fear is a friend of mine.
Speaker:I learn a lot from my fears.
Speaker:Well, and they may not be able to put words to
Speaker:it either.
Speaker:They just,
Speaker:it feels uncomfortable to them.
Speaker:They can't necessarily describe why,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:perhaps they've never had an entrepreneur or someone in their family
Speaker:who has done anything other than working for somebody else.
Speaker:So this is really unfamiliar territory.
Speaker:It's against any stability that you would want to feel.
Speaker:And that's important.
Speaker:In that case,
Speaker:you're trying to get to the why and I guess that's
Speaker:a relationship issue then that you try and work on.
Speaker:But then you need support from somewhere.
Speaker:I think you'll agree with me,
Speaker:Anna. So if it's not going to be your spouse or
Speaker:it's only going to be your spouse to a certain level,
Speaker:as you were saying with number two,
Speaker:so they don't really agree,
Speaker:but they're not going to work against what you're doing.
Speaker:You would still want some type of an advocate,
Speaker:some strong supporter that you would find from somewhere.
Speaker:A hundred percent I mean,
Speaker:there's got to be a group,
Speaker:a community,
Speaker:a tribe,
Speaker:whatever you call it,
Speaker:around you that is there to support you.
Speaker:And this is a group that it looks different people,
Speaker:I mean,
Speaker:a lot of my business support people are online people that
Speaker:I've created wonderful connections with,
Speaker:and it's being able to speak that entrepreneurial lab language because
Speaker:if I go to,
Speaker:I mean my husband was raised by two entrepreneurs,
Speaker:so that's a huge,
Speaker:huge asset to our marriage.
Speaker:But if I go to him and I'm S,
Speaker:you know,
Speaker:the sky is falling,
Speaker:the barn is burning,
Speaker:right? If I go to him in these panic places,
Speaker:there may be a way he's reassuring in the moment,
Speaker:but he's panicking them inside.
Speaker:Whereas if I go to somebody who is a business owner
Speaker:and I'm panic about whatever it is,
Speaker:they're not going to then take that internally as that and
Speaker:go, Oh my God,
Speaker:she's gonna make her mortgage.
Speaker:Right? And so sometimes even if we've got a really,
Speaker:really supportive partner,
Speaker:we still need that community in whatever way we define it.
Speaker:To be able to speak that language and be able to
Speaker:air out those fears and not have it create relationship traumas
Speaker:around, Oh my gosh,
Speaker:what's going on?
Speaker:So that community,
Speaker:and that's one of the reasons I enjoy your podcast.
Speaker:So much of just the community of women that are listening
Speaker:and building connections around.
Speaker:Yes, this is something that is possible.
Speaker:And there's also lots of things that happen.
Speaker:I mean I think we've all seen that meme of what
Speaker:we think the entrepreneurial journey looks like and it's like a
Speaker:straight diagonal line versus what it actually is.
Speaker:And it's that up and down,
Speaker:up and down.
Speaker:We need that community And it needs to be someone who
Speaker:truly gets it.
Speaker:Hopefully someone who's doing it at themselves.
Speaker:So that's really awesome cause it can be reciprocal.
Speaker:You can support them,
Speaker:they can support you,
Speaker:that would work beautifully.
Speaker:So what do you think of where you can go to
Speaker:find other supporters,
Speaker:friends, maybe you have a sister-in-law who shows interest and is
Speaker:excited about your plans,
Speaker:someone who is outside the business but can be a sounding
Speaker:board that you can go to when you need a pick
Speaker:me up or just to bounce ideas off of.
Speaker:Do you think that's important too or,
Speaker:Yeah, and you're going to do it very similar to how
Speaker:we talked about with partner is that if you're going to
Speaker:best friend and saying,
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:I'm so overwhelmed right now.
Speaker:Can you just listen to me vent and tell me everything's
Speaker:going to be okay and best friends like girl,
Speaker:I got you.
Speaker:Go for it like this.
Speaker:This is good.
Speaker:So it is okay,
Speaker:but we also have to let them know because especially,
Speaker:and I think this is the difference between sometimes we are
Speaker:lucky enough to have our support system,
Speaker:meaning our friends and our family get it right and sometimes
Speaker:they love us but they don't necessarily get it in terms
Speaker:of that business growth way.
Speaker:I have a dear friend and she works like a very
Speaker:traditional schedule and if I go to her and I'm panicked
Speaker:about my business or you know,
Speaker:just whatever the case may be,
Speaker:she might be really supportive,
Speaker:but she doesn't necessarily get it in terms of that same
Speaker:way. So it's okay for us to have different people in
Speaker:our support system that serve different roles.
Speaker:Maybe we have a friend that really enjoys cussing and she's
Speaker:like, girl,
Speaker:you call me up and you vent and you use every
Speaker:dealer word in the book.
Speaker:I can tolerate it.
Speaker:Like who knows what that that strength is,
Speaker:feels that we need in the moment.
Speaker:But it's very similar of knowing what you need,
Speaker:asking for it,
Speaker:but also knowing your relationships well enough to know that you're
Speaker:asking for something that like this person can really easily provide
Speaker:you. And then you get to be that reciprocal person based
Speaker:on your strengths or your skillset that what you bring to
Speaker:that support system.
Speaker:Yeah. And I think also somebody who doesn't have a vested
Speaker:interest in the outcome so they can be pretty much objective
Speaker:even though they're a good friend of yours and I'm actually
Speaker:thinking right now of a good friend of mine who has
Speaker:sometimes said,
Speaker:Sue, I don't agree with you.
Speaker:I think you've got it all wrong and I'm thinking this
Speaker:other way.
Speaker:Someone who's willing to not just agree with me but make
Speaker:me look at things a different way,
Speaker:challenge me a little bit.
Speaker:I think that's really helpful.
Speaker:But you can only do that when you really have solid
Speaker:levels of trust.
Speaker:Honesty, you don't think there's any underlying motive.
Speaker:Like they're not setting you up to fail or something.
Speaker:They really have your best interest at heart.
Speaker:And those conversations come from close friends in my opinion.
Speaker:Possibly online connections too.
Speaker:But close friends.
Speaker:Yeah, and they're ones that you've built.
Speaker:I have to have become dear,
Speaker:dear friends.
Speaker:And we did meet,
Speaker:one was a colleague introduced us and the other one was
Speaker:I met her at a conference and the three of us
Speaker:have become such great friends and one of them is,
Speaker:she's just so nurturing kind that anytime I've got a doubt
Speaker:or I'm just overwhelmed,
Speaker:she's right there love on me.
Speaker:And the other one is such a straight shooter that when
Speaker:I raised my fees,
Speaker:which as a helper healer,
Speaker:that's a hard thing to do.
Speaker:Yeah, I'm sure.
Speaker:Yeah. I think raising our fees and talking about money,
Speaker:it's such a hard thing.
Speaker:But when the helper healer community,
Speaker:unfortunately there's a lot of shame that is associated with are
Speaker:you a good helper,
Speaker:healer? If you'd make enough to live like it's just so
Speaker:backwards and garbage.
Speaker:But that's another conversation.
Speaker:And so this is my fees and she's such a straight
Speaker:shooter. And the way she called me out on our 3%
Speaker:text message,
Speaker:I could feel her love because I know her,
Speaker:but I'm like,
Speaker:girl, you're the only person in the world that could say
Speaker:this stuff to me and that I hate you're it.
Speaker:And I use it as growth points versus I hear it
Speaker:and I get my feelings hurt or I hear it and
Speaker:disregard it and say,
Speaker:you don't know me,
Speaker:or whatever the case may be.
Speaker:Right. So really it's fostering those friendships and knowing the person
Speaker:well enough that that she just got so much love for
Speaker:me, but she can say things like that and I never
Speaker:hear them as something that is unkind.
Speaker:It's always just so filled with love,
Speaker:even if it's so much more direct than I may approach
Speaker:it. Different relationships offer you different types and different levels of
Speaker:support. That's for sure.
Speaker:This has been a fabulous conversation and these four steps in
Speaker:terms of approaching a conversation I know are going to serve
Speaker:me and our listeners really well and although we used it
Speaker:specifically for entering into a conversation about starting a business,
Speaker:clearly this can be used for any potentially powerful,
Speaker:impactful, important conversation that you come up with in your life.
Speaker:I also really appreciate your direction.
Speaker:I've never really thought of this before in terms of how
Speaker:you would handle a conversation and clearly never recognized or realized
Speaker:these three levels of support.
Speaker:Obviously you'd like the reaction with the first one.
Speaker:The second one is okay,
Speaker:I mean you can work with it,
Speaker:but the third one,
Speaker:what do you do if someone really,
Speaker:really is against what your dreaming of at least understanding where
Speaker:you can go next and having some concrete steps I think
Speaker:is really helpful and some of our listeners are thinking about
Speaker:having this conversation.
Speaker:They're ready to take their next step and talk about this
Speaker:with their significant other.
Speaker:So thank you so much,
Speaker:Anna. This has been golden.
Speaker:This is one of those interviews where I'm not sure exactly
Speaker:what we're going to be talking about as we get into
Speaker:it and now that we've gone through it,
Speaker:it is so much more than I ever could have hoped.
Speaker:So thank you for that and I know that all our
Speaker:listeners are saying the same thing.
Speaker:My pleasure to in exchange,
Speaker:I'd like to present you with a virtual gift.
Speaker:It's a magical box containing unlimited possibilities.
Speaker:For your future.
Speaker:So this is your dream or your goal of almost unreachable
Speaker:Heights that you would wish to obtain.
Speaker:Please accept this gift and open it in our presence.
Speaker:What's inside your box?
Speaker:Hmm. I love this question.
Speaker:Inside my box is the ability to just connect with women
Speaker:on these conversations is being able to,
Speaker:through speaking,
Speaker:through social,
Speaker:through being able to just reach more ears,
Speaker:more listeners,
Speaker:and being able to encourage them to step fully into their
Speaker:passion. And so for me,
Speaker:looking at this box,
Speaker:it looks like more speaking,
Speaker:more workshops,
Speaker:more conferences of just on this topic and having this really,
Speaker:really rich conversation.
Speaker:Because I love the therapy work that I do and it's
Speaker:also work that in 14 years has taken.
Speaker:It takes a lot of you and I love that I
Speaker:do that,
Speaker:but being able to also balance it with speaking and speaking
Speaker:in this realm.
Speaker:I'm thinking back to that day in your class when you
Speaker:made the decision to make a change,
Speaker:you have so much talent and so much skill in what
Speaker:you've chosen to do and I so want your gift to
Speaker:be true to where you can keep sharing because we all
Speaker:so need it.
Speaker:It all works hand in hand.
Speaker:How can our listeners learn more about you,
Speaker:Anna? Yeah.
Speaker:The best place is to head to my website life unscripted,
Speaker:counseling.com and I've got all my links to social.
Speaker:I've got links to my podcast.
Speaker:I've got a weekly blog that is literally a relationship tip
Speaker:every single week for them to be able to check out
Speaker:and there's also actually a link on there for a seven
Speaker:day relationship challenge that's free.
Speaker:They can click on that and sign up and it's delivered
Speaker:to their inbox every day of just different ways to dive
Speaker:into relationship skill building,
Speaker:relationship conversations.
Speaker:They can do it one day for seven days.
Speaker:They can parcel it out and have it be part of
Speaker:an every other week,
Speaker:date night that they kind of take the scripts and the
Speaker:activities too.
Speaker:But I love to offer that to your listeners because it
Speaker:is just a really guided concrete way to dive in into
Speaker:just a deep clear part of knowing each other and our
Speaker:relationships. So yes,
Speaker:life unscripted,
Speaker:counseling.com is my site.
Speaker:Perfect. And gift biz listeners,
Speaker:I'll just remind you of the show notes page,
Speaker:so if you weren't able to capture information right this minute,
Speaker:you can always go and resource it later.
Speaker:Anna, thank you from the bottom of my heart for this
Speaker:conversation today.
Speaker:I know it is going to help so many people and
Speaker:it has been absolutely marvelous having you on the show.
Speaker:Oh, thank you Sue,
Speaker:and thank you for the work that you're doing.
Speaker:I really,
Speaker:really enjoy your podcast and I'm just so excited that we've
Speaker:connected virtually now and I'm excited to just continue to listen
Speaker:to your podcast and just being a fan of the work
Speaker:you're doing.
Speaker:Oh my gosh,
Speaker:Thank you so much for that.
Speaker:And I know we'll definitely stay connected for sure.
Speaker:No, I used to get a pit in my stomach every
Speaker:time I had to approach a difficult conversation.
Speaker:I really feel that now with Anna's direction,
Speaker:I can be much more in control of how I introduce
Speaker:an issue into the conversation and then manage through what happens
Speaker:from there.
Speaker:It all goes back to communication and respecting one another,
Speaker:but having the structure helps so much as we close out
Speaker:the show this week.
Speaker:One last reminder about my masterclass,
Speaker:it's called how to turn your handmade product into an income
Speaker:producing business and the link to register is gift biz on
Speaker:rapt.com forward slash masterclass I'll see you out here again next
Speaker:week. Bye for now.
Speaker:After you listened to the show,
Speaker:if you like what you're hearing,
Speaker:make sure to jump over and subscribe to the show on
Speaker:Apple podcasts.
Speaker:That way you'll automatically get the newest episodes when they go
Speaker:live and thank you to those of you who have already
Speaker:left a rating and review.
Speaker:By subscribing,
Speaker:rating, and reviewing,
Speaker:you help to increase the visibility of gift biz on wrapped.
Speaker:It's a great way to pay it forward to help others
