In this enlightening episode, Stephanie sits down with Brianne Davis, a Hollywood actress, director, and author, who shares her transformative journey through addiction and recovery. Brianne opens up about her struggles with sex and love addiction, her path to recovery, and how these experiences have reshaped her life, especially as she navigates her forties. With raw honesty and vulnerability, Brianne discusses the impact of her addiction on her personal and professional life, and how becoming a mother and reaching her forties has influenced her perspective and approach to life.

Episode Highlights: 

• Brianne shares her experience as a Hollywood actress and her journey through sex and love addiction, including her recovery process which has lasted over 12 years.
• Insight into Brianne's bestselling novel, "Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict," which explores themes closely tied to her personal experiences with addiction.
• Discussion on the challenges and pitfalls of social media, and how Brianne manages its impact on her life and recovery.
• Brianne's approach to parenting, aiming to protect her son from early exposure to adult themes and teaching him about personal responsibility and emotional processing.
• The role of self-acceptance and forgiveness in Brianne's life, particularly how it has evolved as she entered her forties.

In this episode, Brianne not only shares her personal story but also provides insights into the broader issues of addiction, societal pressures, and the journey towards self-discovery and authenticity. Her story is a powerful reminder of the strength it takes to confront and overcome personal demons, and the ongoing work involved in recovery. If you found this episode enlightening and inspiring, don't forget to rate, follow, and review the Forty Drinks Podcast to help us share more stories like Brianne's.

The Forty Drinks Podcast is produced and presented by Savoir Faire Marketing/Communications

Additional Resources

Brianne Davis website

Brianne’s Huffington Post article, March 2020

Secret Life podcast

Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict book

Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Tell me a fantastic “forty story.”

Stephanie: Hi, Brianne. Thanks so much for joining me today.

Brianne: Hi! Good to be here.

Stephanie: I'm so excited for this conversation. You have really wild and colorful story that I'm very excited to hear about. So why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.

Stephanie: As you know, I like to chat with people about the transitions that their lives have seen before and after age 40. Now you just recently turned 40, so happy birthday.

Brianne: Thank you very much.

Stephanie: I was amazed when I listened to your podcast to learn that your addiction had its roots, you could trace them back to eighth grade.

Brianne: Yes, that was the first moment I, I got my hit is what we call it. That high, that experience of, if you talk to any drug addict, they'll tell you the first moment they did drugs, or drank alcohol, or even eating when they had their first sugar. Cause I also am like have a sugar addiction, but I remember specifically, and I write about it in the book about this moment when I cheated for the first time and got my boyfriend's best friend to kiss me in the closet and, I kid you not, it was like heroin shot up my entire body and the power and control I felt over another human being. Because inside I, I was so powerless that it was like, this is on. I have this power over somebody else. Oh, this is the best high in the world. And I've been chasing that butterfly, that living in fantasy, romance, finding my soulmate since that age.

Brianne: But I honestly even tell you, it goes back even earlier, you know, being boy crazy, not wanting to live in my household because my parents fought all the time. I'm a latchkey kid. So I would sit there and watch television and escape and like Dirty Dancing, Romeo and Juliet, any movie I would like, as soon as the love scene would happen, or they were the first kiss, that's the best high in the world. The first kiss. I still look, I sound like an addict. I'm like, ah, back to the kiss, but that's what I've been chasing. And it started really, really early with television and film.

Stephanie: Wow. And so you lived with that until you were in your late twenties, when you finally realized that it was, uh, an issue, it was more than just something you did. It was an addiction. It was something that was, affecting your life negatively.

Brianne: Yes. Yes. I had that dark night of the soul moment is what I call it. And I write about it more in the second book. I mean, listen, I had a lot of moments where I was like, something is wrong here. Like, we call them like, you know, the bottoms, but then your, your lower keeps getting lower.

Brianne: Like you keep, turning up the notch to make it even more sensational or scandalous or, cause I love secrets. Like, I thrive off secrets. Um, having one foot in the door and one foot out at all times. But yeah, I remember my dark night of the soul. I was, I was living with my boyfriend of four years and you know, that butterfly feeling went away.

Brianne: That first falling in love, you know, we were living together, now it's time to pay bills. Now it's time to get real and I was like, okay, this is what it feels like. It doesn't feel like the movies, but I don't know if I like this either. And what happened was a mentor of mine passed away. And two days later I found myself on location across the country, shooting a movie and starting to flirt and intrigue with like someone I didn't even really like as a person.

Brianne: That was the big key. Like when I put that person next to my boyfriend, I was like, wait. My boyfriend is this amazing person. And if we weren't together, I'd want to be his friend, but here I am flirting with this person that's mean to waiters is not even like, not even that great. So that was my first light bulb.

Brianne: And then the second one was I started intriguing, and intriguing means when you're acting more available. So you like give out your number or you DM someone or, you know, it goes further than just flirting. And I remember looking in the mirror going, am I going to be doing this till I'm 80? And I'm am I always going to be looking for this person to complete me, to fix me, to rescue me, to save me, to be my soulmate, to give me that high.

Brianne: I said something, it can't be all of these guys, something is really wrong with me. Because I I've never had a one night stand. Let me just be clear. Like I haven't had a lot of sex. I'm a sex and love addict, but I haven't had a lot of sexual partners, especially for 27 and I've never had a one night stand.

Brianne: That wasn't my thing. It was going from relationship to relationship, to relationship and overlapping them a little bit. Like already intriguing, already acting available while I was getting out of another relationship. So it was, that was my journey. And I just remember that moment, going there's something seriously wrong here.

Brianne: Like, I can't do this when I'm 80. Am I going to be on my death bed never fully connected to another human being on this planet? And that was the moment. And I reached out to a therapist, a friend's therapist, and I went in and saw her when I was back in town. And I told them my story. And I talk about this in the book that she said two things to me.

Brianne: And this is so fascinated and funny. She said, the first thing is like, you have a secret and I don't know what it is, but you wear the mask of a high-class prostitute. And I was like, bitch, like, I don't know if I can cuss, but that's my thought, like, who are you? She said, you wear this mask where it's like this perfective mask.

Brianne: Like, I don't know who you are, but then she said, oh, I know what your problem is, you're a sex and love addict. And I said, what is that? Like, all I heard about sex addiction was Tiger Woods getting caught, cheating, blah, blah, blah. That whole thing. And we went through these 40 questions. So if you're listening, there's these 40 self-diagnosed questionnaire.

Brianne: You can go online, print it up. It takes two seconds. It's questions like, do you look for someone to complete you? Have you had an inappropriate sex with inappropriate people at inappropriate times? Do you find yourself going back to toxic relationships, unavailable people? Have you lost track of the number of people you had sex with?

Brianne: Those are the kinds of questions. So I of course was like, yes. Yes. Yes. And I'm not going to tell you my number, cause you got to go read the book because it's a journey, but like it's high. And they say, if you get more than five yeses out of 40, you might have this problem. So let's just say my number was a really high, and I went to my first meeting that night. I called my boyfriend on the way that I live with. And I was like, she says I'm a sex and love addict. Like crying in traffic on the 101. If you've been in Los Angeles, it's like bumper to bumper traffic, hysterically crying in the car, looking like a crazy. And I get home and he prints up all the meetings of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, which is a 12 step program like AA. And he highlights all the meetings I could go to. And I found myself at a meeting that Wednesday night, 7:30 PM sitting in a church, which I'm like, ah. So 30 people all different from me, every ethnicity, race, uh, financial background, everything, sexual orientation, and every single person in that room said something I thought, I felt, I did, I almost did. And it was like, I was home. I was like, oh my God, I'm not broken. Nothing is wrong with me. I just didn't get the tools to have healthy relationships. And that was my journey. And I surrendered that day.

Stephanie: And then you started writing and a story came pouring out of you. And then you were like, well, wait a minute a podcast, but I don't want to be a part. I don't want to talk out loud. I don't want to talk to other people.

Brianne: You know, I'm an actor and I hate my voice. So I was like, no one needs to listen to my voice and what I have to say. I don't want a podcast. I don't want to write anything. I'm dyslexic. I have ADHD. I've never written. I can't even re write a complete sentence. Like that was my thoughts in my head.

Stephanie: Yeah. So what was it about your late thirties? You've already climbed this mountain. You've already, summited. You're already, in recovery for a long time.

Stephanie: So those are major accomplishments, but something was shifting for you. Something was changing in your late thirties and now you were putting yourself out in a way you hadn't before. So what was it, do you think that changed?

Brianne: It was really a big combination of things. I think becoming a mother in recovery, and looking at my son and having to mirror for him, how to have healthy relationships, how to have boundaries.

Brianne: I think that was one big thing that happened. And at the same time, I got my 10 years in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. So sitting in a room and having that ten-year chip, which in my program that's a long time. I'm an old timer. There's not a lot of recovery in sex and love addiction because our addiction, you walk out the door and you hid it.

Brianne: Like, so bottles of vodka or walking around, I snort and drink people. That's like validation, attention. Get me high. Make me feel worthy. You know, so that's what my addiction is all about. So when I got that 10 years and I was sitting in a room of a hundred people now, because our program has blown up. And sharing my experience, strength and hope.

Brianne: And then seeing 19 year olds, 20 year olds talking about how they cannot connect anymore. They cannot find intimacy. They're on social media, always looking for attention and validation, but they feel so empty. The porn that's available is desensitizing their sexuality. I'm talking young boys and girls. And I was like, oh my God, this, this voice came over me.

Brianne: It was like, you have to be bigger in your service. Because I just do have to say in sex and love addiction and especially the program, you're not supposed to talk about it. Like AA, you can share it. And it's very stigma to talk about it in public. So not a lot of people talk about it. And I was like, that doesn't make any sense to me.

Brianne: Our society is killing themselves. More suicide happens over this addiction. Murder. Just watch a Dateline. It's a love triangle will lower. Right? So I just had that epiphany. And then at the same time, my husband, who was the man that highlighted those meetings, let me just tell you. We've been together 17 years, so it's not.

Brianne: Yeah, it's not like I got recovery in this program and found my perfect person. I got recovery in this program and I found myself. I found I'm my own, I like to say fucking soulmate. I'm the one that completes me. I'm the one that lives and dies with me, not my husband, not my son. So it was that revelation.

Brianne: When my husband's coming at me going, Hey, you have this story. And I was pitching a show around town about female sex and love addicts with Jana Kramer, my really good friend. And they kept changing it. And I was like, that's not the story I want to tell. And he's like, there's this writing course, this writing course.

Brianne: And I'm like, I'm dyslexic. Leave me alone. I'm shooting Lucifer. I'm not a writer. Get off my, like, go away, man. Like, I do enough. Go away. But then it was like, fine. I'll take the writing course after the sixth time. And I kid you not, the first draft of the book, not saying it was good, I wrote it in 45 days. So it was like higher power.

Brianne: God. Help outside of your community. Stop just going to rehab facilities and talking. Like, be more service to the world. It all like collided at one time. And then I think the business shutting down as an actor. So it took away that creativity outlet of me disappearing into a character. So it was like a perfect storm for me to be like, fuck it. This is my truth. This is who I am.

Brianne: I'm a woman in recovery. I'm married for 17 years. You know, I have 12 and a half years of recovery. This is my story. It's in fiction. You can decide which story's mine in, which is not. And here's, here's my voice as a podcast host, trying to help other people and their addictions, mental health, whatever it is.

Brianne: So it was this perfect storm of just like let's get authentic and raw and real. And pandemic, right? So it was just this virus overtaking me of authenticity, I guess.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. Well, and it's interesting that you say that because as I got curious about age 40 and, how people handle age 40 and, truly it is a time in our lives where we stop putting so much trust in external authorities and really start trusting ourselves more, and our own experience, and our own guidance. And so it sounds like that's really a big part of what you were doing. I mean, trusting in yourself to know what the next step is, and putting yourself out there in the world.

Brianne: Yeah, I think, you know, luckily because of the eight years of intense therapy, twice a week, doing the 12 steps, sponsoring people, doing all that inner child work with trauma and sexual assault and all that stuff that I did, allowed me at this age to be like, here I am, flaws and all. Like, judge me. I've done bad things. I'm not a bad person. I've done the best I could with my life. And I used to be selfish and self seeking and I'm not anymore. So it was like, but I'm afraid if I didn't do that work, I would not be in a place of acceptance because I would still be chasing that outside validation, which I see a lot of people in my business still doing, at 40. You know, all the plastic surgery, all like trying to reinvent ourselves or whatever that is like. I'm just, I'm so grateful I reached this age and I was willing to, to peel that onion. I always say it's like unzipping my skin and crawling out of it and just standing there raw, completely exposed. I'm so grateful I did that because I can't imagine where I would be, and how much damage I would have caused, and how depressed, and who knows? I might not even have been here. Who knows.

Stephanie: Something you just said almost knocked me over because I could be saying the same quote you just said, which is, when I was younger, I may have done bad things, but I'm not a bad person. And I used to be self centered and self seeking and I'm not anymore. I've evolved.

Stephanie: That actually just blew me away because while I like to qualify myself as a party girl, through my twenties and thirties, my, drug of choice was alcohol. And I like to say I did one thing and I did it well. So, there were moments in my, late twenties and thirties where I thought, do I have a problem?

Stephanie: Probably more in my twenties. Do I have a problem? But I could always stop. And so it, uh, it's not a problem. It's just, I like it. And it's the people I hung out with and, and that's fine, right. It, it, they, all these things make us who we are. So I don't have that same, addiction, challenge in my life.

Stephanie: And yet one of those things you just said I mean, I could be saying it about looking back at myself in my twenties. It's, it's just a major amazing how similar we all are, even though we think we are so, unique and different, and yet we go through so many of the same things.

Brianne: I know, I think that's the beautiful thing about self-reflection is that you are not unique and you are not different.

Brianne: You know, like we always tell our children, like you're so unique and special. It's like, no, you're actually just this teeny, teeny on the planet. And I think when we humble ourselves and we ground ourselves in that, we are no different from anybody else. We are no better or less than. And I'm just a worker among workers on this planet trying to make it better.

Brianne: And I think coming from that place is what's really grounded me and given me forgiveness to myself, forgiveness to others. You know, we all do the best we can in this situations because underneath all us humans want the same thing. We want love. We don't want to be abandoned. We want to have intimacy, but most of us are fearful of it. And, you know, that's it, plain and simple.

Stephanie: Before I came across you, I'm not sure that I would have said that I knew anybody who was a sex addict. I had never heard the term love addict before you. We're so more accustomed or, familiar with, alcoholism and drug addiction.

Stephanie: I actually dated a man while I was in my thirties, who was an alcoholic. And it was interesting because I thought, while I was with him - I did a lot of making excuses for him - and I always thought he might've had a problem and it was a little a alcoholic kind of thing, like he got out of hand.

Stephanie: And I got to tell you the craziest story. My mother earlier this year, we were driving somewhere and she said, Hey, whatever happened to him? He's a guy who's not on social media at all. So you know, every couple of years when somebody bubbles into your brain and you go and look for them and see what they're up to, I could never find him.

Stephanie: So we were in the car and she was driving. And I was like, oh, I remember his mom died a few years ago. So I looked up her obituary. And he was a junior. So I said, oh, I wonder if his dad's still alive. So I Googled his name and obituary thinking, I'd find his father's obituary. And I found his obituary.

Stephanie: Okay. It turned out that alcoholism had truly, taken his life. Um, and it's interesting. I think of him more in the last, four or five months than I had in the last number of years, because I just always thought, oh, you know, we'll run into each other someday at an airport and be able to say hello.

Stephanie: It's bizarre. And I think we all have that, that kind of story about someone we know.

Brianne: Yeah.

Stephanie: But we don't really know many people that talk about a sex addiction or a love addiction. But I think, and maybe thanks to your bravery, it's becoming a little bit more talked about.

Brianne: Yeah. I mean, I, I just, this morning the, the author Elizabeth Gilbert for Eat, Pray, Love, that book that defined so many, like for even me, I was in recovery when it came out and she was talking about this fantasy, like leaving your reality, blowing up your marriage, going to a younger guy.

Brianne: Then seeing it didn't fix you. Then traveling the world, overeating in Italy, going to Bali and like finding the next guy. And that's like the journey. Like you had to travel and get out there and meet your person. And, and it's like, listen, that's her journey. And we all have our journey. I'm not dodging that at all.

Brianne: It's a beautiful story, but it's fantasy. It's dripping in fantasy and love addiction on so many levels and using sexuality to find your next person, is what I say. So she just came out as a sex and love addict. And I was just like, thank you. Because that story defines so many, even me. I went into fantasy when I read it like, oh, maybe I should move.

Brianne: Maybe I should go to Italy and then go like. And if that was true. Listen, Anthony Bourdain, too, died of love addiction. He was a recovering heroin addict. He didn't go to a program. If anybody was going to find themselves in traveling, it was him and he hung himself over love that went bad.

Brianne: And it's like, we don't talk about these things. And honestly, you probably know a ton of people that need to be in this program because this disease is killing our society. Sex and love addiction is literally in the claws of everything. If you watch any movie, any television show, any song it's about unrequited love, getting that ex back, that unavailable person, going out there, looking for someone to complete you.

Brianne: That's what sex and love addiction is. Can I define it for you? Can I define it in my words, where it helps people and how I talk about it in the book. And that's why I wrote the book, to make it accessible. And entertaining. So here's how I define it. A sex addict. We look at that and it's someone that has one night stands, on the dating apps swiping, left, and right.

Brianne: But really a sex addict is anybody that uses their sexuality to manipulate and control, and to use it as a currency. So an exchange. So that could even be a husband and wife if a wife or a husband uses their sexuality to manipulate the partner to get what you need. And using masturbation to not feel your feelings, to look at porn and go into fantasy.

Brianne: That's all part of it. And then on the love side, is going after that unavailable person, that toxic relationship. Trying to get someone to complete you. Going into fantasy. Relocating what Elizabeth Gilbert did, relocating. Romance obsession, all of those. And usually you use parts of each, you go from the sex.

Brianne: Oh, I'm in this new relationship. Oh, I, my sex sexuality works. I use that. And then go to the love. Love me, love me. And then on the other side of this addiction, that nobody talks about is sexual anorexia. You then turn anorexic when you're hurt. You shut down your sexuality. You shut down romance. So a lot of people after bad, toxic unavailable relationships, they then like stopped dating for years.

Brianne: So it's this combination that you swing. And underneath it, like I said, is fear of intimacy, fear of being loved, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, all of that is underneath it. So that's the best way to define it. I just needed to share that. Thank you.

Stephanie: Now that you're 40,

Brianne: Yes.

Stephanie: How is it different? How are those feelings different for you now? I know that they controlled your life for a very long time, and I'm guessing that they don't go away completely.

Brianne: No, no. It's a progressive brain disease. With chemical addiction, it's black and white.

Brianne: You just don't ever do it again. You don't pick up that drink. You don't snort that cocaine, you know. But this is a progressive brain disease. So if you don't do the work to get the tools to maintain it. Cause I'm always going to be a sex and love addict. And I talk about it in the book, when I got my six months chip.

Brianne: And this is when I really knew I was in this for life. Like I was a lifer. I got my six month chip. It was my first lead share, where you lead a meeting, where you speak for 20 minutes about your story. And I went to an In and Out Burger afterwards at 9:30 at night. And there was this 16 year old working at the drive-through, like pimply kid, you know, just going through puberty. And I pull up at the drive-through. And when I was giving him my money and he saw me, he goes . Like, I took his breath away. He found me attractive and I kid you not, it was the same shot up my arm. Tingley. Fire. Up my body. I had power and control over this 16 year old little boy. It was insanity at its finest. God was showing me, here it is, this is going to be forever. Because that first year, and let me just explain my first year of recovery. I didn't have sex. For the first year. With my live in boyfriend. If I was crying, he couldn't fix me. He couldn't come and make sure I was okay. I couldn't reach out to friends when I was crying.

Brianne: I had to sit with myself and feel my feelings and get through them myself, because I was always looking for outside people to fix it. And that even looked like calling a girlfriend. One back to back saying, here's what I'm going through, blah. And then them not fixing me and calling somebody out and using people.

Brianne: So what I did was I raped people of their energy all the time, and I know that about myself. I can still do that to this day, but now I have tools. I have meditation, prayer, being of service. Speaking, you know, with the book as a way of service. The podcast is a way of service. Having sponsees. Speaking at rehab facilities, because the number one reason people lose their recovery and chemical sobriety is over a relationship. That will take you to your knees.

Brianne: So it was a very long journey for me. And I know if I don't show up everyday for my program, which means just so you know, going to a meeting in the morning and a meeting that night. Saying the serenity prayer. Hitting my knees, praying to God that I don't always understand. Being grateful for things in my life, even when shit's not going my way.

Brianne: Over communicating with my husband when I don't want to. Not numbing out on social media. Being present with anybody that's in front of me. That is a choice I have to make and it's exhausting because people exhaust me. Intimacy exhausts me. So it's like I have to do that every day or in a matter of months I will be living in fantasy in my head. I will be numbing out on social media. I will be looking for good reviews or bad reviews to give me my worth, whether it be in the movie, a book review, podcast review, whatever. I have the capability of losing myself so easily and wanting to go into fantasy and romance and then it spirals.

Brianne: And next thing you know, I'm like moving across the country somewhere else for some person I don't even know. And I know that about myself, so I'm forever going to be a lifer. This is a progressive disease. You can learn things to help yourself, but it's forever going to be there.

Brianne: And I'm, I'm aware of that. And to this day, I still can't watch The Notebook. I still can't watch Moulin Rouge. There's some movies and songs I can't listen to because it triggers me too much and I go into fantasy. And I then go, oh, I wonder what my old boyfriend in high school is doing. Let me just do a Google search.

Brianne: Like you said, like that's fantasy. That's fantasy to go back and do that. So I'm very, um, aware of it. And I now get to help clients. I have a bunch of clients that can't walk into the rooms because they're too well-known and I help them walk through this addiction and get on the other side of it.

Brianne: And I'm really grateful for that.

Stephanie: Wow. It was interesting what you said about social media, because it is so pervasive in our lives. And for those of us of a certain age, we came of age before social media and thank goodness. There was no. Oh my God. Thank goodness. There were no camera phones when I was in my twenties.

Stephanie: I just have to say, I always had a camera with me, but I've always said I own all the negatives. Yeah. So I know where all those pictures are.

Brianne: Well, I can't imagine if I grew up with this social media, I probably would kill myself. I'm not, I'm not kidding. Like it was already so difficult because I talk about in chapter seven, a lot social media and the book and compare and despair.

Brianne: That's my number one character defect. I have to be greater than or less than someone. And I always am 99% less than. I'll make myself less than. If I had social media during those formative years when my parents were getting divorced, things are really bad. You know, I was in my prime of my addiction. I don't know if I'd be here on this planet, honestly, because it would have probably tortured me to death.

Stephanie: Oh, oh, that's terrible.

Brianne: Yeah.

Stephanie: And I think that that social media is giving young people unrealistic expectations.

Brianne: A hundred percent unrealistic expectations. And that's one of the characteristics in Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous is, we assign magical qualities to others.

Brianne: We idealize and pursue them and then blame them for not fulfilling our fantasies and expectations. And social media emphasizes that. The filters. They'll only looking at the good. Even people that do those crying pictures when they're having a hard time, you know, they post those crying pictures. It's like, you're taking a picture of you at your lowest moment.

Brianne: You're thinking to do that instead of just being with yourself and experiencing that healing that you have to then put it out into the world. It's just so toxic. And me in recovery literally knows that. And , I can go down the rabbit hole. And to this day, it's the number one thing I have rules around.

Brianne: I don't have rules around, not cheating outside my relationship. I can have guy friends now, but I choose not to. I have a lot of fellows, male fellows in the program that are friends, but I don't go hang out with a bunch of guys or get coffee or whatever. But the one that still plagues me is Instagram, Tik TOK, social media, putting out there. It's like being over sexual, especially for young girls. It's like that still triggers me. And I have to have a lot of rules and boundaries around it.

Stephanie: Well, I know you're on social media and you use it from a business perspective, certainly with your podcast and promoting your book. How challenging is that for you?

Brianne: It's very challenging, especially as first when the book came out and it was like all encompassing in the interviews and everything. And I felt like I had to do it. And it was like this machine that was taking off and I had to jump on it and I had to transition from just being an actor and posting actor stuff.

Brianne: So it was really hard. And then comparing myself to other authors that have been around and then, you know, looking at their reviews, which is toxic and looking at their posts and how they're doing it. And I just had to stop. And my husband's like, you have to stop. Because he's in recovery. The lucky thing he's has 33 years in AA and he's in a lot of recovery, so he could see me spiraling and I just sit down and be like, okay, here are the rules.

Brianne: I can go on and post in the morning and what I need to post. Then I need to stay off. I can check it one more time before I pick up my son. But it's, it's still to this day, it's hard to keep to those rules, but I have to. And he now is telling me, you need a break. You've you promoted the book and the podcast for a year.

Brianne: Like you cannot promote for a month and it will be okay. And I'm still like, but then who's going to promote it? My PR team's not working. I don't got a big machine behind me. I have to do it if no one else is doing it. And it's like, how about letting God do it? How about trusting? And I was like, oh shit. But I still haven't listened to him.

Brianne: Like, I'm still a work in progress.

Stephanie: Right.

Brianne: The other day, I had to read chapter eight again, about letting an unavailable friend from Instagram trigger me. And I was like, I know this person's unavailable. Why do I keep expecting them to be available as a friend? And I had to go back and read chapter eight about letting go of people that don't show up for you.

Stephanie: Yeah.

Brianne: So I'm a work in progress, still to this day.

Stephanie: Aren't we all? All of us are. I mean, letting go of people who no longer fit us, no longer suit us is something I think we become brave enough to do in our thirties and forties. And, as we do become more grounded in ourselves, and more trusting of ourselves, it becomes a little bit more obvious who's not filling us up.

Brianne: Yes, it is. It's like a mirror. Finally, you can't ignore it anymore. You keep looking around it and you're like, wait, this person's ghosting me. Wait, I keep going back to this unavailable person.

Brianne: And what I say with that, is where are you unavailable? Why are you picking those people to be in your life? Look at that. What are you looking for? Are you looking to like win them over? Are you looking for them to validate you in some way? Even family members, I had to do a deep dive deep clearing out of family members that didn't show up for me, that didn't respect my boundaries.

Brianne: And I even had a year and a half off my father. We stopped talking for a year and a half because he was unavailable. He didn't show up for me. Sometimes he abandoned me in his own self and, you know, and then setting up new boundaries and hoping the relationship comes back. But most of the time they don't and you have to go through a grieving period.

Brianne: And I think in your forties, you are finally like, Wait, I'm halfway through my life. I better do it now. Or I'm going to spend another 15 years. They say you go through another one at 55 or something like that. You do like another re-evaluation.

Stephanie: Yup. As a parent, how are, how are you raising your, is it, I think it's a son, right?

Brianne: Yes. Four, yeah.

Stephanie: Four. Oh my God. That's amazing. What are you bringing from your journey, from what you've learned to your interactions with him?

Brianne: Well, first, number one, I don't let him see anything that is too adult for him. I don't let him watch certain movies. I don't let them see visuals.

Brianne: Um, I really protect his innocence because I definitely saw a porn, love stories way too young, and it affected my like, oh, that's what a relationship looks like. Well, somebody's got to drink some poison or stab themselves for love. Like, that's what I thought. So I protect him in that and I have a lot of boundaries with him as a mother.

Brianne: You know, he, he's not mine. I don't own him and with my family and especially my parents, God bless them. They came from really turbulent backgrounds, but. I don't blame my parents, just so you know, but it's interesting to look at the lineage of, of families and how it's very emotionally incestuous is what I like to say.

Brianne: It's very like the parents' energy is always supposed to be coming down to the kid. And for my childhood, my energy was to the parents. Like I completed them. I gave them their worth. So with my son, he's his own person. He has his own God. I get to teach him right from wrong. I get to have boundaries with him.

Brianne: If mom's meditating, mom is meditating. This is her self care. If we're speaking, this is, you know how to do your chores. You earn allowance. You know how to manage money. I'm teaching him all those things at age four. Also saying not everybody's going to like you Davis. Not everybody's going to, you're going to be friends with, and that's okay.

Brianne: And you're not going to like everybody. And teaching them those things. And teaching him how to be his own person. He brushes his teeth, he vacuums the house. He does all these things. And I'm hoping that when he grows up, he's self-sufficient. He doesn't look for anyone else to complete him. You know, I let him have his feelings, even when they seem unrealistic.

Brianne: Let's be honest, he's a toddler. But I do, you know, the other day he had a meltdown and I looked at him and I was like, sometimes I want to have a meltdown like that. You know, like sometimes. Throw my hand.

Stephanie: Like, ooooh, that looks like, it feels good.

Brianne: Not right. But then I also get to say, you can have your feelings, but you can't like shout at me. That's manipulative.

Brianne: I said that to him the other day, you are being manipulative right now. And I don't appreciate it and I'm going to walk away. And when you're done crying and having your feelings, then we can talk about it. So I'm not denying him his truth, whatever it is. But there has to be boundaries around it. And I also don't give him everything he wants.

Brianne: I don't allow him to be on the iPad playing because it's so toxic for me just looking at a phone and it's overstimulated. They made it as a drug. So I'm not going to do that to my son where he gets dependant on that. I'm not going to let him play video games. I know tons of parents disagree, but it's fantasy.

Brianne: It's not living in reality. So I'm really trying to protect his mind as long as possible. And then just, realize I'm going to fuck up. I'm a human, I'm a flawed human and I'm going to make mistakes. But here's the number one thing I do that I think has made the biggest difference. And I wish I had as a child, that the parent admits to making a mistake. The other day I said, You know what mom shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry. I apologize. Do forgive me? And he's like, thank you, mama. And it was just like, there's something about a parent taking accountability that then teaches them to take accountability.

Brianne: So I don't know that that's been really great for me because I have to tell you the moment my mom said to me, I'm sorry. I wasn't a great mom. I did the best I could because of my background, but I I'm really sorry. And it was just this moment of, like, thank you. Thank you for saying that because as a child, you just want your parents to love you. And there's something when they say, sorry, it just like lets all that resentment go. And I just want to give my son that. So hopefully we're doing a good job. And being a parent is hard. It triggers you. It triggers everything you ever thought, and I can't imagine not being in recovery. I couldn't imagine. I, I have so much, uh, grace for my parents that weren't in recovery.

Stephanie: Right, right. They did it with the handicap.

Brianne: Yes. Yes. Because even I sometimes want to lose my shit.

Brianne: I want to be like, just eat the chicken, like stop! Chew your food. Like you need a bath soon. You're driving me crazy. Like I get it. It's hard.

Stephanie: Yeah. Yeah. Well, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job of, just being thoughtful and present and intentional.

Brianne: Yeah. I'm and I'm really lucky to have a good partner that does the same thing.

Brianne: If I was doing it myself, it wouldn't be as effective, but, and we call each other on it. We over-communicate, you know. If my husband has a work call and he's been taking the phone, I'm like, can you please go on the other room? Cause we don't want to be on our phones in front of him. Check each other in a, in a very loving way, not in a get off your phone way.

Brianne: So we're really present with trying to bring that into our lives as much as possible.

Stephanie: That's amazing, Brianne. I am so grateful for you joining me here today. Before I let you go, please, share with me where you can be found online.

Brianne: Yes. So please, if anything, I said resonates and if you need resources or anything, or a friend, you know, who might have a sex and love addiction, please reach out to me at @theBrianneDavis on Instagram. I try to answer all my DMs and send you to the right place. Have zoom meetings. You can go. If you're not in an area that has meetings. You can get my book right now on Amazon, Secret Life of a Hollywood Sex and Love Addict. The audible, I read it, which was absolute torture to act out that story of Roxanne, which is AKA me.

Brianne: And it's really fun. And I wrote it like a television show or a movie. And then you can find Secret Life podcast everywhere you listen to podcasts. And there's all kinds of secrets from all walks of life. You know, well-known people, but most of the people are anonymous and I changed their names and we just released our hundredth episode. And I'm so grateful.

Stephanie: Congratulations. That's amazing.

Brianne: Thank you.

Stephanie: All right. Thank you so much for joining us today. I can't wait to read the book.

Brianne: Yes. Thank you for having me.