• Most of us hear the word "conflict" and immediately want to avoid it. But not all conflict is the same — and the kind you keep running from might be the exact thing that would heal your relationship. The problem is we're wired to avoid the good kind and let the bad kind fester quietly. In this episode of the Everyday Disciple Podcast, we're going to break down the two types of conflict, show you why one of them is actually essential for healthy relationships and community, and give you real steps for addressing the conflict you've been walking around for too long. In This Episode You’ll Learn:The clear difference between the two kinds of conflict and how to tell which one you're in
• Why we're wired to avoid the good type of conflict and quietly adjust to the bad
• How conflict creates one of the best environments for discipleship you'll ever find
• Real steps for addressing a conflict in your life and community

Get started here... From this episode: "Behind every conflict lives a series of lies and unbelief. Identifying those and replacing them with the truth about God, ourselves, and how we GET to live is always the goal. That's what discipleship is — and how we experience the Kingdom of heaven now… here!"Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…

Thanks for Listening!

Thanks so much for joining us again this week. Have some feedback you’d like to share? Join us on Facebook and take part in the discussion! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the top of this page or right below. Also, please leave an honest review for The Everyday Disciple Podcast on iTunes. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them. Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Coaching and Apprenticeship in Missional Living w/ Caesar and his wife, Tina Resources for missional living and group training - Missio Publishing Get Caesar’s latest book: Bigger Gospel for FREE… Click here.

God has created, or you might wanna think of it as allows or works through conflict- Sure ... he's created conflicts in relationship as a way of restoring us to his original plan.

There was a great conflict on the cross of Christ- Mm-hmm ... that was ultimately a good, well, very good, n- no, actually the best good-

the best thing that's ever happened in human history.

Yeah.

That was God's eternal plan.

He knew he was gonna send Christ to the cross before he created Adam and Eve.

Mm-hmm.

He knew there would be the ultimate conflict to resolve us and him, our relationship with him- Sure ... our relationships with each other.

So we don't need to fear or avoid conflict, that anabolic good conflict.

We need to embrace it as an opportunity for growth and healing, and closeness in relationship and trust.

Mm-hmm.

In fact, without the conflict of the cross, we would have no relationship with God, and really very little hope of true, vibrant, intimate relationships with other humans.

Welcome to the Everyday Disciple Podcast, where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.

In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle.

This is the stuff your parents, pastors, and seminary professors probably forgot to tell you.

And now, here's your host, Caesar Kalinowski.

Good to be with you, Heath.

Hey, man.

Driving over today, saw, uh, something I haven't seen in about 10 months, nine months, and it's 12 flags are starting to make appearances.

Yeah, it's almost, here we are entering into pre-season-

Yeah

... Seahawks.

Seahawks, which my-

Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Blue thunder,

yeah.

I've lived a few places, and I don't know if there's a, a culture rage of sports in any of the other place.

Like, I was in San Diego when the Chargers were there, and people were kinda Chargers fans.

In

Tennessee-

There's some

cities that probably kick our butts when it comes to fan loyalty- Yeah

and going nuts, but yeah, this is definitely Seahawks.

Wow.

It's like gardens.

You know, it's like watching flowers start to bloom.

Now you've seen flowers start

to- I know not all of our listeners are into sports.

I'm not Mr. Sports.

I'm kinda into the Seahawks.

Yeah.

I,

I didn't talk a whole lot about this last season of the Sea Wolves, but I do have to mention Sea Wolves, MLR, Major League Rugby championship.

My son and I flew down to San Diego for that game.

Oh my gosh, the best ever.

So if you're, if you're into rugby, anyway.

Yeah.

But yeah, you're right.

It's, it's, there's 12 flags all over the place now.

Yeah,

people are gearing up.

We have a whole new team this year.

I wonder if there was conflict in the locker room at all.

Is that the reason for it?

Oh, man, pre-season there is because who gets cut, who's making it, who's- Yeah ... you know, right, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Like, half the team is not half the team, right?

I mean-

Yeah

... the guys have the big contracts, but a lot of the guys are on the bubble.

Well, and you know, we have so many- professional football players that listen to this show that were like, "Hey

this is the time of year we wanna talk about conflict." Just

wanna, just a little shout-out.

Stop calling me so much.

This is annoying.

Conflict, it is a part of life.

Yep.

We have all dealt with it, right?

It comes in different forms, disagreements or frustrations or irritations- Mm-hmm ... or unmet expectations.

Why do you think conflict arises?

And, uh, do you think it's always a bad thing, or do you think it's necessary, actually, to move forward towards growth in relationships?

I love conflict, brother.

Oh, me too.

I do.

No, I, I shouldn't say it.

I, I don't hate conflict.

Yeah.

I know some people are like, "Oh, I ha- I hate conflict.

I have to avoid conflict."

That's what I say.

I'm not afraid of it when I have to address it.

Like-

I, and, and I think overarching, it's like, like, uh, conflict is not necessarily bad.

It's what you do with it.

Hmm.

That's, right?

'Cause like, I like to change the word conflict to friction- Okay ... in my mind.

And, like, friction's a good thing.

Hmm.

Without friction, you can't walk.

You can't move forward.

Your car wouldn't roll.

Hmm.

Without friction, sex wouldn't feel good.

Yeah.

Without friction, you couldn't pick up food on your fork.

Friction's not a bad thing.

Yeah, it's necessary, yeah.

But it can also be used in bad ways.

So- Hmm ... um, when we hear the word conflict, though, it's usually, and pretty automatically, perceived as a negative thing.

Hmm.

Well, if it's negative, let's avoid it, right?

However, the truth of the matter is, is that conflict can be either a positive or a negative thing.

Hmm.

And I'm gonna maybe make the case for there's more positive to it than negative, uh, coming up here.

Um, therefore, not all conflict needs to be resolved.

Hmm.

How about that?

Not all conflict needs to be resolved.

The key really is understanding the difference.

Okay.

So, I'm, I was doing a little bit of research on this, and collaborative justice writer, not, there's not a term you hear all the time.

And, a- and professional mediator Ken Johnson helped me better frame the two types of conflict that we experience.

Okay.

And I was gonna say buckle up.

This gets deep.

But it's really insightful and helpful.

Okay.

Okay?

So the bad kinda conflict that everyone knows and loathes is known by conflict management professionals as catabolic conflict.

Hmm.

Okay?

Now, catabolic, we've, maybe you heard that word used other words.

Catabol- catabolism from the Greek word ca- kato means downward, and then bolin, to throw.

So this catabolic means to set a pathways that breaks down, that goes down.

Hmm.

So this type of conflict is usually typified by chronic and unresolved issues of confusion.

Okay.

That's what I've learned from Ken.

Uh, role identity, communication, imbalances of power and duties.

Hmm.

Think about perceived injustice issues around the world.

Is there conflict, racial tension?

Sure.

Yeah.

A history of improperly handled disputes, feeling excluded, et cetera.

As you're talking about that, I'm thinking this sounds so much- Like the work of our enemy Satan, right?

Confusion, deception, destruction, exclusion.

Yep.

Uh, it just sounds like all of his attributes in one.

Right.

So that's the bad kinda conflict, and you see the things it comes from.

Now by contrast, good conflict, which is known as anabolic conflict- Hm ... is rarely talked about, even in most professional circles, I found out.

Anabolic conflict is typified by open discourse, honesty, investigation, and introspection of key processes and those involved- Hm

acceptance of diverse ideas, collaboration, right?

Yeah.

Think about last time you collaborated and it went well.

Was there any conflict?

Was there differences of ideas?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah.

But, right, that was a good thing.

That's how you came to the best, you know- Yeah, you

needed

it ... so to better understand, anabolic processes tend toward building up.

So if you go to the root of all that, the anabolic processes build up.

These processes produce growth.

Mm-hmm.

So see, not all conflict's bad.

Some of it produces growth.

The problem with conflict is that the two types, these anabolic and catabolic, g- good and bad, usually run counterintuitive to us-

Hm

... okay, in our inherent and emotional state as humans.

So anabolic conflict, the good kind, it's in your face, and it's open.

Yeah.

Catabolic conflict, by contrast, the bad kind, it's very subtle, and it may take a long time to grow and show itself.

Hm.

So therefore, human nature is to sort of squash the conflict that's most apparent, 'cause it's in your face, and it's

You gotta talk about it, and it's ongoing, the good kind, and we sort of adjust to the subtle conflict that no one can quite put their finger on.

Hm.

It's that bad old catabolic type.

It's interesting, though, right?

Because you kind of view it in a sense, like as you're, as you're saying that, I'm thinking about even cholesterol.

Like, it's all bad.

Like, no, it's ... You actually have to have good cholesterol- ... because- You need it, yeah ... you die without it.

Yeah.

Yeah, right.

And so typically, though, even just the word is so, such a dirty word.

It's like, ah, there's conflict in our marriage.

There's conflict in the ... It's like, well, that's not always a terrible thing.

It actually is necessary to, to move forward.

Yeah, and don't miss it, that it's counterintuitive to us.

Yeah.

The kind that's good, the kind that's, you know, g- to go back to, to his definition, the kind that's typified by open discourse, honesty, introspection- Mm-hmm ... acceptance of diversity of ideas, having to collaborate with people, we, we tend to, like, avoid that and squash that, 'cause, you know, it takes effort.

Yeah.

But then, then we'll embrace the kind that sort of lurks- Yeah ... and it's over time, and it's about exclusion, and, you know, im- ugh.

Yeah,

I get that,

man.

Chronic and confusing, and I ... You know, we'll just let that simmer, right?

So.

You know, I think one lie that I've w- was raised up thinking is that, man- When two people are happy or when a community's happy or there's a bunch of Christians together, there's never gonna be disagreement.

And then you go work for a church, and you go, "Well, it's not, it's not always like that." Or get

married- Yeah ... or have a child that you love and they love you, you know.

Yeah, it's always gonna happen.

Yeah.

So, like, even every missional community that I've been a part of has had- Me too ... some conflict.

Me too.

Good, bad.

Uh, and that's what you get, right?

When you enter in a mix with a bunch of people diff- that are different than you, they've got different preferences, priorities.

Yeah.

I mean, it's, it's bound to happen, and it seems like it should be expected.

Do you think there are ways to actually get in on the front end of conflict before it gets to be this-

What do you mean by get in on the front end?

Like, to, to chop it before... Like, can you actually start- Oh ... handling things on the front end before you-

Uh, I don't know.

No, I don't think so, actually.

Oh.

I don't think there's... Uh, you know, because then that, then now you're trying to guess at what people think-

Okay

... and how they might respond.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

Like, I don't really... I won't bring it up 'cause it could be s- they might think differently than me.

Mm-hmm.

So I don't know, I don't think so.

I, and I think maybe that's actually runs counter to God's plans- Hmm ... believe it or not.

Um, conflict presents us with the best opportunities for discipleship.

Think about it, because it pushes on and it rubs our most selfish, confused, fearful selves.

Hmm.

Conflict does.

Like, well, why, he said we're leaving at 7:00.

I don't wanna leave at 7:00.

I wanna, wanna wait till 8:00.

I don't wanna get up so early.

You know, s- right?

Yeah.

Conf- that's conflict.

But some people, you're like, "Well, I guess we'll just, like, w- could we discuss it?"

Yeah.

So conflict shines an immediate light on our unbelief, our pride, like you already said, preference.

Hmm.

God has created, or you might wanna think of it as allows or works through conflict.

Sure.

He's created conflicts in relationship as a way of restoring us to His original plan.

There was a great conflict on the cross of Christ- Hmm

that was ultimately a good, well, very good n- no, actually the best good.

The best thing that's ever happened in human history.

Yeah.

That was God's eternal plan.

He knew He was gonna send Christ to the cross before He created Adam and Eve.

Hmm.

He knew there would be the ultimate conflict to resolve us and Him, our relationship with Him- Sure

our relationships with each other.

So we don't need to fear or avoid conflict, that anabolic good conflict.

We need to embrace it as an opportunity for growth and healing and closeness in relationship and trust.

Hmm.

In fact, without the conflict of the cross, we would have no relationship with God and really very little hope of true, vibrant, intimate relationships with other humans.

So can you, um, maybe give us some ideas or some steps for resolving a current conflict that's happening now, like either in your community or between you and another person?

Maybe shed the light into, into something personally going on with you right now.

But it's a pers- it's going on.

Yeah.

It's a going on thing.

Right now.

Yeah.

So remember from our definition and understanding of the, the anabolic or good type of conflict, it's typified by open discourse.

Hmm.

That means, that means s- Talk.

Yeah.

That means, like something came up, there's a difference of opinion, there's a misunderstanding, there's ... I'm not clear, whatever.

There's so, quote, "conflict," and so it's, it, it's now gonna be dealt with with open discourse.

Hm.

It's 'cause it's going on.

It's now.

Like, keep short accounts, right?

Don't go to bed on your anger, that kinda thing.

Sure.

Honesty.

Don't hide what you're thinking.

Be honest about, "I don't know if I agree with that.

I don't like that."

Hm.

" I'm not sure if I'd see it that same way.

I'm not sure if everybody would," right?

Honest.

Yep.

Uh, investigation and introspection of other people's processes and ideas.

Like, how did you ... So what led you to think that?

Yeah, how'd you get there?

What did I say that... You know, like I'm not pushing on you, bro, I'm just saying what did, what did I say that took you there, right?

Sure.

Um, acceptance of diverse ideas.

You know, I once had somebody say to me, "Caesar, can there be two ideas in the room at the same time?"

Hm.

Like yours and anybody else's?

Like could someone else have a different opinion or not?

Y- you know?

Right?

Turn the other cheek.

They, they were teaching me something about, you know?

And collaboration.

So-

Hm

... if it's going on now, it's gonna take open discourse.

You need to be honest about your opinion, uh, how you feel about it, like I'm owning my thing in this.

Investigating of others' processes, how did you go there or what did I do to tip you into that?

Like, I don't, I love you and I don't want that to be the case.

Sure.

Or I don't wanna speak in ways that you sense this or feel unloved or whatever, right?

Man, one thing, just even now as you're talking, I'm thinking that if, if me or if you or anyone who's listening is not living really with the belief that they're already loved and accepted by God now and forever perfectly, it would be really hard to, or maybe even impossible to even have some s- some of these conversations, right?

To actually engage dialogue in this way.

That's right, and I think that's why the good kinda conflict can become the old kind that's stuffed away and hidden away.

Sure.

And people, it's not resolved.

It's chronic.

Yep.

It's like, yep, it's always the same thing.

That's 'cause we've never really discussed it.

I've never been honest.

I've always wore a mask, or I've said what I think you wanted to say 'cause I just wanted to get out of the conflict or whatever.

Yeah.

And, and you're right, and it, and, and you're nailing the h- you're nailing it because if we don't believe that we're accepted and God loves us perfectly, we'll never, quote, "risk" being honest- Yeah

and getting into a conversation.

And, and s- and looking for actually like, hey, this is an opportunity for growth- Yeah ... for change, for me to grow closer to you because now I'm gonna, I'm gonna seek to understand, and I'm gonna grow because of that.

And you know what?

God probably, in fact, maybe always, brings about this, quote, "conflict" to point out where we're not like Christ and that He's working on us.

I talk about this in marriage counseling all the time- Hm ... and I just did some pre-marriage counseling.

I said, "You know, the things about your spouse, or future spouse or whatever- Sure ... that bug you the most-" are the parts of your life that are not like Christ.

Mm.

The things that you still hold too tight or you're, you know, really prideful about or you think you're b- Get- you know.

And so you know that God's, be- in His love for you, built that into your spouse.

Yeah.

Like, they're not that way 'cause it's a flaw.

They're that way 'cause your flaw and God's sanding on you.

Yeah.

Right?

It's

like looking at a

magnifying glass on

yourself.

But you can't, you won't go in there if you don't believe you're loved.

Yeah.

So y- you know, y- your, love makes us bulletproof.

Mm. That is true, dude.

And this seems to be, like, universal advice, right?

Not, not just in a specific sphere, but it's every sphere.

You got marriage, you got parenting, uh, social media, which is a huge one, friendships, working relationships.

Like, this advice- Oh, yeah

like you said, this is transcends all spheres.

Yeah,

because if you're in r- if you have other, any other human around you, the only way to avoid all this-

Mm-hmm

... is live isolated.

Hmm.

And guess what a lot of people do?

And, and we hide behind, be like, "Well, I'm just introverted." Yeah.

Like, no, you really wanna avoid conflict at all great cost because you might be changed by it.

Hmm.

You might have to admit you're not God, or you might have to engage in a dialogue or a discourse.

Sure.

Yeah.

You know, um, let's talk about something that I can actually say even in my own life has caused a lot of hurt, and that's, we've talked a little bit about, about current conflict.

Let's, like, shed the light backwards towards the past and talk about resolving conflicts and moving towards some relief and restoration from conflict that maybe has come from a hurt in a relationship many years ago.

Mm-hmm.

What would you say to that?

Okay.

Well, many of the same tools, I think, apply here.

Okay.

Okay?

But there's a, there's a difference.

So some of the, the same tools of time and open discourse and honesty and investigation and acceptance of ideas and seeking other perspectives, that still applies.

Mm-hmm.

But when it happened years ago, or is a really well-worn and stuffed under the rug kinda thing- Sure ... here, you're gonna have to first start off by bringing up the conflict.

Hmm.

Right a- just right away think about it, like, "Oh, my God." Yeah, yeah.

To resolve the conflict, I have to bring up the conflict- Bring it back up

which is- Yeah ... feels like in is conflict.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay?

Which, yeah, it feels like a huge conflict in and of itself.

So definitely start by praying and asking God for words and the timing.

Sure.

So, like, it's like, "Hey, br- I haven't seen this person in a really long time," well-worn conflict.

"I'm at a birthday party.

I, happy birthday to you." "Know what, man?

I've always..." You know, it's like- ... that's probably not the time, right?

Yeah.

Um, so ask- It's fair enough ... God for that.

Um, start from a place of humility and honesty.

Mm. Like, if there's conflict, it, there is no conflict from one person.

It's always two.

Yeah.

It doesn't, there's, it's not a blame issue.

If you wanna resolve conflict, it's not about blame placement, so start from a place of humility and honesty.

Um, speak in me terms.

Avoid you did this or said this- Hmm ... or, "You know, when you did..." You know, don't start there.

Yeah.

Now, if a person asks a question, you can, like, "What did, what did I say that led you to believe that?"

You can say, "Well, when you said this," but don't start, you know, you know, don't point fingers, right?

Yeah.

The old school, like, when you point your finger, there's four pointing at you, right?

Yeah.

Um- We use a, a, the one I use a lot is like- The, the quest- the clarifying question of like, help me to understand

Uh-huh

That's a good question.

Like, hey man, what-

That's exactly what I'm talking about ... can you ... Yeah, help me understand what you mean here So that's a great place to start out, right.

Yeah.

Um, remember the bad type of conflict i- the catabolic, is usually typified by chronic and unresolved issues.

Mm. Now, how does something go unresolved?

'Cause we loved self more than the other person-

Sure

... so we didn't go there.

Um, confusion over sometimes our role or, you know, our identity.

Communication issues, communication generally at the core of these things.

Sure.

Imbalances of power and duties.

So think, you know, think about it like in a relationship, do you feel like a person always has it over on you?

There's no, there's no win.

I can remember when I was a kid and, you know, uh, much of the way my dad would parent was there's no asking any kind of a question, because I said.

Hmm.

There was this imbalance of power that was so perceived and so strong that there was no worth, there was no use trying, and so certain issues just never got talked about- Yeah

never got resolved, right?

Yep.

And so, but as always, I have to say that the thing, that behind every conflict lives a series of lies and unbelief.

Yep.

And we talk about it almost on every ep- Yeah, almost every episode, yeah ... episode we have to.

And getting to that and replacing that with the truth about God and ourselves and how we get to live, that's always the goal.

Yeah.

That's always the goal.

That's what discipleship is, and that's what we've been called to do and why we're on the planet, and how we experience the kingdom of heaven now.

Hmm.

It's here.

Yeah.

So, you know, people, you know, we sing songs and we pray and worship.

We can't wait for heaven.

Oh my God, I can't wait for Jesus to get back so I'll get to heaven.

Jesus said the kingdom is now.

Start entering into it, yeah Just come, enter into it, right?

How do you enter into it?

You resolve conflict.

You live open.

You live freely.

So with like, back to your question a little bit-

Yeah

... what do you do with old hurts and past relationships?

Guess what?

You're gonna actually have to enter into that conflict.

Mm. You have to bring it up- Yeah ... and you have to listen, and you gotta start from a place of humility.

All the things that Jesus is-

Yeah

... and came to be and do- You know- ... we get to be and do

... I would encourage people listening to this episode, if it's, if they feel like there's something going on in their heart about this, uh, I would say the flip side to this coin is also episode 115, where we talk about how to move from forgiveness to reconciliation- Yeah

because reconciliation does take two parties.

It's easy to be like, "Ah, I forgive them." I mean, how, how often does that happen where you're like, "I know there's tension here, but you know what?

That's cool.

I don't wanna enter into it.

Like, I just forgave them." You're like, well, conflict isn't resolved- Conflict's still there

and reconciliation still hasn't happened.

That's right.

And I kept bumping up against that, too.

I was like, oh, we cover so much of that in there.

So- Yeah ... I would say if, if you're dealing, if you're listening to this and you're going, "This is helpful, but, but, you know, I need to go further"-

Yeah

... go listen to episode 513.

That's right.

Take it to the next page, you know, the next chapter of this, so.

One of the things that gives me hope in, in just discussing it here on this episode is that it does appear that resolving conflict in, in relationships, not only like re- is the pressure valve in some of our friendships and relationships- Yeah

but it also, it does point forward to this kingdom that is coming where conflict will just be a thing of the past, don't you think so?

I do.

I do.

And

that's a foretelling- You, you see- ... of a good kingdom

... you see Jesus, you know, his life, and he's, the way he is with people, and you're going like, "That's what the kingdom's gonna be like."

And he's healing people, and that's what the kingdom's gonna be like.

Yeah.

There's no more sickness or death or pain.

And he's feeding people who don't have enough, and he's, he's undoing injustices, and he's treating the least like the best.

And, you know, the kingdom is like a banquet where the- Yeah

forgotten and the downtrodden get seated right up front, and then, you know, given the best food and the best robe, right?

Yeah.

And so as, as we believe that God has given us conflict-

Mm-hmm

... so that we can be conformed to the image of Christ, which makes it a good thing- Sure ... I mean, he modeled that on the cross.

Our entering into conflict and listening and loving and trusting and resolving shows people like, oh, there is hope.

Yeah.

And guess what?

There is a day, like you said, there is a day coming where there'll be no more conflict.

Yeah.

It'll all be put away.

Isn't that exciting?

Like-

Oh, it's so great

... we'll never be like, "Hey, Jesus says dinner's served," and it's like, "Uh, that's a

no."

But don't hide out under a rock until then- Yeah.

... waiting for that day, because part of what it means to be the chosen-

Yeah

... the elect, is that we get to live that now.

Yeah.

We get to.

Oh-

That's so freeing ... it's such

good news, man.

I love it, man.

And what a beautiful... Like I sa- I've said this before, some of the best avenues for mission between relationships with people that don't yet know Jesus in our neighborhood have been people watching the way that me and other Jesus followers deal with conflict.

Absolutely

it is.

Deal with- Absolutely ... they go like, "What is it about you guys that, you guys, you guys fight all the time." 'Cause it's a stark contrast to

the world, and turn on the news- Yeah ... and how politicians deal with everything, and- Yeah ... it's a stark contrast, and we get to.

Yeah.

We don't pass blame and run away.

We enter into it.

Yeah.

It's, it's so good.

That's amazing, man.

Okay, so let's get to the big three.

Again, the big three are the takeaways that we want you to have, like, right here, right now.

If you get nothing else out of this episode- ... we'd love for you to get the big three, and you can get those for free.

All you have to do is go to everydaydisciple.com/bigthree.

Caesar, what would you say the big three are for this week?

I wonder if people just fast-forward to this sometimes.

Yeah.

Just listen- Maybe ... yeah,

I don't

know.

They're just like, "We're gonna get the printout."

Anyway, the big three, here's the first one.

Start by determining if the conflict that you're experiencing is good or bad-

Hmm

... conflict.

Bad conflict is usually, again, uh, typified by ongoing and unresolved issues of confusion or identity, communication problems, imbalance of power or duties.

But the good, the beneficial type of conflict will be current, it'll be collaborative, people with different opinions or desires will all be working toward a common ground and a solution.

Hmm.

That's good stuff.

Yeah.

That's how we get- Absolutely ... conformed.

That's how we have our unbelief and selfishness and pride and up, you know, pref- you know, our preferences and all that stuff get pointed out, and- Hmm ... yeah, so it's good.

Second, God has created conflict in relationship-

Hmm

... as a way of restoring us

Hmm

I don't, some people say he doesn't create conflict.

He, he d- he sent his Son to die on a cross

Yeah

... to wage the greatest war against sin and death ever, right?

When Jesus came as our God taking on flesh among his humanity that he created- Hmm ... he was entering into conflict.

He was on a conflict mission, you know?

Yeah.

Jesus took our sin and conflict upon himself, and, and you know what?

Our sin and conflict died and was buried with him, never to be seen again.

Hmm.

That is good news.

Yeah.

And then he rose to new eternal life, and we can have that life, free of conflict and enjoying close relationships, too.

Mm-hmm.

That's, like we said, that's living on Earth as it is in heaven.

It reminds, even if you says, you just said Jesus took our sin and conflict upon himself and, and I'm thinking, man.

And then he says, "Come and follow me." And you go like, wow, we get to do- Amen, brother ... reflections on that as well.

Oh, so good.

So good.

Oh.

All right, third, third of the big three.

When entering into conflict, be open to dialogue and honesty and acceptance of others' ideas and perspectives.

Hmm.

Remember that your identity's not being attacked if someone has a different opinion.

Yep.

An i- an issue, uh, or difference of opinion is being resolved.

That's a good thing.

Yeah.

And for older, unresolved conflict that has damaged relationships, start from a place of humility.

Hmm.

Try to own whatever part of the issue that you can.

Yep.

Seek to forgive the other person or parties, and then seek their forgiveness as well, all of that before trying to resolve the issue.

Yeah.

Right?

And, and again, I just wanna point out that episode 115, How to Move From Forgiveness to Reconciliation - Yep ... is sort of like where we, we should go next in this conversation.

But time is about up, so there you go.

All right.

Unfortunately.

Again, you get the big three from this week, the takeaways, by going to everydaydisciple.com/bigthree.

You'll get 'em right away.

Hey, join us on Facebook, would you?

Yeah.

I wanna see more and more people.

I don't know, we, w- well- Couple hundred ... several hundred on there.

Yeah.

But I'd love to see, I don't know, like I'd love everybody to get on there.

Yeah.

Like I know y'all, like, follow your Facebook and all that, so if, like, any of this is found interesting, get on there and then it'll, you'll start to s- you'll be able to join us in a few other conversations.

Yeah.

Find the Everyday Disciple Podcast on there, hit join, and, and we'll do that, and you'll be with us, and the thing'll get bigger and better.

Yeah, and if you haven't left us a review on iTunes yet, we, uh, we love reviews and we love stars.

And what that does- ... is it lets iTunes know that, hey, this is a podcast that, uh, that we should tell other people about.

Yeah, I don't know if people know this, we, we read the reviews.

Yeah.

Or some of them.

Most of them.

Yeah, when they come in, yeah.

We try to read them all.

And you're gonna get your, you're gonna get your review read, your name, get a little minor fame here- Yeah ... on the old podcast.

You'll be an internet sensation.

You know, next week's, uh, show is gonna be so fun that I don't think we should even give-

It's a super-secret episode.

Yeah.

We're not even gonna-

Not even gonna tell you about it.

You're just gonna have to join us Be amazed.

Thanks for joining us today.

For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit everydaydisciple.com.

And remember, you really can live with the spiritual freedom and relational peace that Jesus promised every day