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Top 5 People Who Need to Be Slapped on Stage
Episode 974th April 2022 • Uber Cinco • UBK Studios, LLC
00:00:00 01:01:54

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This year's Oscars was a wake-up call. It's only appropriate to slap people on stage that truly deserve it, so we did the Lord's work and found those people for you. Also, Nathan makes Brian guess what bands people are in and it doesn't go well.

Host: Nathan Hennenfent

Contestants: Brian Ernst v. Mitch Brinkman



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Transcripts

Über Cinco

Episode 97: Top 5 People Who Need to Be Slapped on Stage

,:

*We use an automatic transcription service, so this transcript is at best 89% accurate.

[:

[00:02:25] Again, we here at Uber Cinco do not condone violence in any form, but if we did. We are going to take a long, hard look at who exactly would be on the end of our righteous. Be slaps and sucker PS today's topic is top five people you'd slap on stage and I've got just the two emotionally stunted petulant, little brats who's entitlement.

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[00:02:59] Mitch: I'm sore. , and not like physically sore. I'm just like, I'm kind of angry and I've got some bones to pick. , I've got some scores to settle. And so this episode came at just the right time, because my hand it's it's perspirating, it needs to, it needs to be taken out for a jog if you will, on someone's cheek.

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[00:03:18] Nathan: All right. That's beautiful. Brian, how are you, sir?

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[00:03:29] Nathan: Third degree,

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[00:03:32] Mitch: Well, wait, wait, did you say you say belt or, or Stripe? Cause I think I've, you've said you've had the, the third degree brown stripes

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[00:03:41] belt is around my waist. That is what we need to know.

[:

[00:03:57] And as host, I'm entitled to a house rule, which is pretty simple this week. If you come at someone, I love someone. I cherish someone pop, a bear would defend. If you came into the den. After my young ones, I'll be deducting points. Sub-Zero scores are in play, and don't forget to stay tuned to the end for my fast-five sendoff, where I Nathan Hennenfent will reveal the all time list of rock band members who joined based on nominative determinism as guessed by Brian Ernst or our borough. I'm Joe Bond. As you got good video for short made the acronym in case this game catches on. Okay, let's go ahead and get started. Mitch, let's hear your number five.

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[00:04:53] Nathan: I'm going to decide in the moment.

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[00:05:01] Okay. Uh, all right. My number five, he he's a classic baddie, a true villain straight out of the nineties. And, uh, and the Republican revolution, praise God and taxes or lack thereof. Excuse me. Um, that is my number five is Newt Gingrich. Oh, oh,

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[00:05:31] Uh, well . This is a good

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[00:05:35] Nathan: Brian, what was this matches up with your number five as well. What did you list as your number five?

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[00:05:50] Nathan: Okay. And what was the acronym for that one?

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[00:05:58] Nathan: Okay. That's too long. That's too long. And convoluted. Mine was much more catchy. All right. So we're going after the legislative branch here, uh, Mitch, you, the floor is yours for Newt Gingrich. Why would you slap the hell out of him?

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[00:06:31] He can feel his, his hypocrisy leaking out his ass, you know, just a little bit, uh, you know, rolling down his thighs. I'd get up there. I'd say Newt. This slap is for, and then I'd hit him and it's, mid-sentence catch them off guard, but I would slap him so hard. He'd only have jowls on one side of his face.

[:

[00:07:13] Newt led the, the take-back back of the house for the Republicans in 94. And that kind of idea that, that mentality, that energy has not ceased since then. And it's only made our country and our our public spaces, the debate in, in the, in the winds, if you will, worse and worse year by year.

[:

[00:07:54] And he's just like, that feels good for him. So now, now I get it and now I'm like, okay, that is a great name for a terrible evil politician.

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[00:08:10] Brian: Wait, you weren't like eight year old Mitch, just sitting on the floor, watching CSPAN incessantly. Just, just thinking about how our country used to be so much better than it

[:

[00:08:43] You know, whenever like that classic scene in any movie where they're like, dad, do you need help with the, with the fixing that motor? And he's like, no son of a bitch fucking gap. That's what my dad sounds like watching political shows. So, um, that's my, that's

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[00:09:01] Mitch: Yeah, there we go. There we go.

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[00:09:03] Nathan: So you said, you said Newt, Gingrich's a new Gingrich's you're you're cutting him off before the commercial break. What event is Newt Gingrich at?

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[00:09:30] So the Y CMAs and, uh, so it's a bunch of young ins in Nashville at the, maybe that the grand Ole Opry or something. Um, but, uh, but you know, uh,

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[00:09:51] Mitch: You think you, you think the young country music awards could, could, could fuck with the young men's Catholic association? No, no, no, no, no, too much power, too much money. They would've gotten sent to hell with lawsuits. So that's my number five. Newt can go all the way to fucking hell. I'm surprised he's not dead yet, but when he does, I'm going to crack open a bottle of bubbly.

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[00:10:12] Nathan: All right. Well, let's, let's go across the aisle to the other members of the branch, but that Brian is quite upset with Brian.

[:

[00:10:43] And if we saw anything from a what's his face, that pharma bro, who did it with the aids medication, I mean, you're seeing it again with, with insulin, something that is necessary for people who either are get diabetes later in life, or are born with an insulin deficiency. Like it's just the thing they need to survive. So I, bill recently was like, we're going to cap it at $35 a vial or whatever. Um, the measurement was, and a lot of people seem to agree like, okay, good price like that big. And then mainly Republicans oppose that, saying that this isn't going to cost us too much money over 10 years as if they didn't just approve an $800 billion, uh, war machine, uh, act not too recently.

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[00:11:27] Brian: and then on top of that, they actually voted to deny healthcare coverage to veterans exposed to toxins people you've sent off to war exposed to things that are horrible. You're denying them healthcare coverage yet. You're the same people that cry, support the troops, bring them home, all that jazz. But as soon as you're home, we don't give a shit about you.

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[00:11:54] Mitch: And this happened with, with nine 11 first responders to

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[00:12:01] Mitch: And then also too, on top of it, these guys are getting a toxic poison or whatever, because they it's all the burn piles. Right. Like when they're in other countries, like all their garbage, they just like dig holes and then burn everything, which also you're fucking up that, that country's ecosystem.

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[00:12:20] Nathan: Well, it

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[00:12:22] Nathan: of my favorite. Well, I say favorite, but one of the most pointed George Carlin quotes, Republicans want live babies to grow up, to be dead soldiers.

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[00:12:33] Nathan: Pretty harsh.

[:

[00:12:53] He was cheating on every single person. And so he's a real, he's a real bastard. So he's been slapped before. He's absolutely been slapped before. So I might just have to change it. Yeah. I might have to put, I don't know, a closed fist slap, which that becomes a punch or a double slap, something like that. So new it's really going to have to get it.

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[00:13:14] Brian: And I realized I've explained my why thoroughly. I haven't expressed my, how this is the one I'm like super excited for, because think about how many of them I get to line up. Now, the apple box budget on this is going to be through the roof because I got to get all their heads at the exact same height.

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[00:13:39] Nathan: this under the guise of you're getting a group photo where they need to be

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[00:14:11] Nathan: Uh, as, as beautiful as an image as that is, and this is a very close one, but I have to go with, with Newt Gingrich because he is, he was, as you said, the father of, of all that came after, and also, uh, anybody who's on stage at a Christian music awards festival has it in for, uh, a nice little a tap on the cheek as far as I'm

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[00:14:37] Nathan: well, we can, you can, you can do your photo thing there. Everybody wins.

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[00:14:46] Nathan: All right, we're going

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[00:14:55] Nathan: Uh, let's go to Mitch's number four.

[:

[00:15:15] So Mr. Cullen was, let me just paint you a quick picture here. You know, khakis like a, like a Gangnam shirt tucked in, you know, like a leather belt, you know, his sleeves rolled up, just so imagine like Michael Bluth, you know, like, or like every Jason bay movie highs has his sleeves rolled up, you know? Cause he's like ready to get down to business.

[:

[00:15:53] He was very good at that. He was beloved. He was absolutely beloved. And so I would, I would, I would invite him as my special guest to the, uh, national, um, us government education awards. Um, and I would be presented with the most shameful award of the night at that award ceremony. That'd be, um, uh, number one, procrastinator.

[:

[00:16:36] I was like, oh, I can stress less because I am by, was at a new school. And there was a lot less, um, educational, uh, competitiveness going on. And so I got a big head, um, and, uh, was filled. Yes. Yes. This is Mr. Cullen. Yep. Yep. Um,

[:

[00:16:59] Mitch: No, he was easing very opposite of my father. Um, but, uh, and so, yeah, I just, I, I would get Mr. Cullen defense. I thank you, Mr. Cullen for giving me this great ability. And I would just haul off like, wait, actually, I shouldn't do it yet. Hold on. Let me just, and I would procrastinate this lap. I'd be like, hold on.

[:

[00:17:31] That's a nice of a guy who was, so this is not, this is not a slap. That makes me feel good. But it's one that I'm just trying to take. Um, I'm trying to brush off the personal responsibility of procrastination onto someone else. You know, I'm trying to not take personal responsibility for it. So this is that's my way of doing it.

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[00:18:00] Nathan: All right. So

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[00:18:05] Mitch: yeah,

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[00:18:10] Mitch: at the time he was probably about 35 maybe, or he could have been 40 or it could have been 28. I have no idea, but now he is older, so yeah.

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[00:18:21] Mitch: he, he was, uh,

[:

[00:18:24] his whole life was ahead of him.

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[00:18:31] Brian: And you said complete opposite of your dad. So does he just masturbate when he watches Meet the Press, or? I mean, what, what does that

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[00:18:40] Mitch: he probably just agrees, he agrees and he's calm during it, so,

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[00:18:46] Mitch: Okay. I'm sorry. Okay.

[:

[00:18:55] Brian: Uh, pediatrician. Um, so this one.

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[00:19:03] Brian: This one is specifically my pediatrician from the early nineties. Can't remember his name. All I know is that later in life, my mother disclosed to me that he suffered from narcolepsy. And this was the guy who immunized me. So this guy would fall asleep in the middle of exams.

[:

[00:19:25] Brian: this is why I'm putting, I'm just bringing them on stage to slap him just for his own good, so that he knows exactly where he needs to jab me with that needle. This is me just giving to him what he needs. Hey, wake up, bitch. Up upper arm. All right. That was not for the ass. All right. Just get it where it needs to go. Make sure you got the band-aid ready. Open it up before you take your nap. That way.

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[00:19:49] Nathan: This sounds like this sounds like one of the more politically incorrect Seinfeld episodes.

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[00:20:08] Nathan: he be out?

[:

[00:20:16] And I'm like, what we kept going back to.

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[00:20:28] Brian: she's next. She's next on this list, mom.

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[00:20:37] Nathan: I suppose if you're, if you're a person who has a passion for the medical field and wants to do good and help people, pediatrician is probably the way to go though. You don't want to be like a, a brain surgeon or an ER physician, and then fall asleep in a real life and death scenario. If it's just, if it's just poking Brian in the shoulder, that can wait five, 10 minutes or whatever beauty sleep you need.

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[00:21:01] Brian: Which is fine. It was always really fun. We hit that little hammer in his hand and he's about to go to your knee or your reflexes and just clunk out.

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[00:21:19] Nathan: He

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[00:21:20] Mitch: you like drive a cab at night or

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[00:21:25] Mitch: said,

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[00:21:32] Brian: Well, that's what he does to check them, to make sure they're not alive.

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[00:21:38] Mitch: I also had, uh, w one of the nurses at my doctor's office in childhood, she would, her eyes would flutter and close often. And so she would, her eyes would close as she was administering shots, which was also pretty, pretty scary. She didn't fully fall asleep and she would talk to you with her eyes closed.

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[00:21:58] Brian: So was she narcoleptic or was she having flashbacks were necrophilia. I'm really confused.

[:

[00:22:07] Brian: Perfect. I, this is why you should never put pediatricians next to cemeteries. I've always said that,

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[00:22:13] Nathan: did we get here? Um, well, I have to say, I don't have any stories like this because I was never vaccinated because my parents actually love me and care about me. Um,

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[00:22:25] Mitch: you vaccinated by it, but by a

[:

[00:22:32] Mitch: Oh, wow.

[:

[00:22:38] So I'm, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna allow you to, to hit them too hard. Just maybe a light tap with a glove and challenged them to just satisfaction pistols at Dawn. Um, Mitch, it's time

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[00:22:52] Nathan: my God. Oh, this is a dark.

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[00:23:02] Mitch: c'mon c'mon house. Keep us on the rails.

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[00:23:07] Mitch: Oh, sorry. Okay. Uh, my number three is a very important one and, um, I am, I am, I'll say it. This will be shots fired. Shots fired, uh, at, at, at people in this room right now. And my number three is early. NAX and is who I would smack real freaking good. And this would be on a, on a cooking competition show.

[:

[00:23:54] But, uh, there would be a mark left obviously, and Irving facts and I will smack him so fucking hard cause he. My least favorite kitchen product. And that is the Crock-Pot. Okay. Oh, he is earning early Nixon was a money hungry and just playing hungry and ventured let's be honest. Um, but he was too dumb to make the Crock-Pot works.

[:

[00:24:35] Um, it pisses me off so much. Um, and of course when they came out, they, they, they, they said, mothers, this will save you so much time. You'll get all this time back. You'll become the best mother. And then what they didn't realize what actually did, was it. Gave him more time. So then families expected moms to do more and more and more and more and a crock pot.

[:

[00:25:18] Oh, we got high and low. Oh, great. Wait, what does that mean? It's high or low. Okay, cool. How do I do a recipe? I don't know. By our exclusive recipe book. Fuck off. No, thank you. At best. It's a cheese warmer. You've already made a cheese sauce in a different pot. You put it in there for a party and it's, I'm not talking fondue because fondue goes to crap in a Crock-Pot.

[:

[00:26:02] Crock-Pot sorry. And like the skins that develop and th and they cook differently and weirdly, and it's just never good. There's no, pazazz to the food. You're like, oh, let me open this lid. What is this? Oh, it's you know? Yeah. It's that brown shit. What's the brown shit. I think it's barbecue sauce. I don't know.

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[00:26:38] Nathan: can't believe you're so mad at a guy for inventing a great towel warmer.

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[00:26:47] Nathan: That was as heated as I've ever seen you. I think.

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[00:26:51] Brian: never known about this deep hatred.

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[00:27:02] Brian: do you tend to rise your meat when you go to work for eight hours?

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[00:27:13] Brian: Yeah,

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[00:27:19] I've made ribs in a Crock-Pot that are fantastic.

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[00:27:29] Brian: so sorry. I don't take out my woodchips and let them go smoking in my kitchen while I leave for eight to 12 hours. No, I wanted ribs that night. I'm getting ribs that night. So I

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[00:27:43] Brian: I'm going to leave the oven on while I'm gone.

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[00:27:49] Brian: what it's for. It's safer than the south, and

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[00:27:57] Mitch: crock pots have burned down more houses than ovens and no one can prove me wrong. I'm just saying that. I'm pretty sure it's a fact.

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[00:28:07] Nathan: right. Well, let's with an airtight argument like that. We'll we'll turn it over to Brian. What do you have . For the number three?

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[00:28:29] Nathan: You say flip phone.

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[00:28:41] He's just trying to, he's just trying to get an agent on the L where we all try to sign record deals. All right.

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[00:28:52] Brian: oh, this is his EP. Yes. Oh yeah. It's always his

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[00:28:57] Mitch: Did he yell out like this is my EP. Anyone who likes it, let me know. I'll sell you a

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[00:29:37] There's a better chance that somebody in the audience there will sign him because of what they heard there. But. His penance for doing this on the train where I'm just trying to read my ebook, like a good little boy, and he's distracting the hell out of me and like flirting with women who do not want to hear his bullshit.

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[00:30:06] Nathan: That is pretty. That is pretty clever. And I would just would like to point out that on, at least in the public transportation here in Chicago, it is very clearly marked in the signage and on the announcements over the loud speaker, that there should be no playing of any music outside of your headphones.

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[00:30:25] Brian: Exactly. And I know

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[00:30:42] Brian: you. I have heard, I, I have seen every race of human. I have heard every genre of music. I have heard it from iPhones down to flip phones. I have, this is a universal issue, but it all happens on the L or on the L platform. And it has driven me insane for the better half of well over a decade.

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[00:31:13] Nathan: Uh, I, I hope so too. I'm going to offer you a full three points there and Mitch I'm. Um, it was very confused by the hatred of a Crock-Pot, but I also hate the word crackpot. I feel like as a crackpot it's I don't enjoy saying it. I don't enjoy hearing it. So I'm going to give you two points and I'm going to turn it back over to you for your number two.

[:

[00:31:39] Mitch: Uh, the, the rival company who bought it from Irvin knacks and renamed it that, so I think a croc is in, like, I think a crock is like probably the name for like a, like a giant, um, like a, like a, like a, a pot you use to cook over the fire probably slowly, I think is what. 'cause I got like a crock, I think, or, no, sorry.

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[00:32:12] Brian: Okay. That explanation, that explanation sounds like a crock of shit. So.

[:

[00:32:25] But so he originally called it like the bean cooker or like the bean something. So it's all about beans and people were like, you don't fucking care about beans, you know? And then,

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[00:32:38] Mitch: yeah,

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[00:32:40] Mitch: yeah, you're like, no, one's gonna, this is not going to reach market saturation. If you're just going the bean route, it's

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[00:32:46] Nathan: I, I can't talk about crockpots anymore, guys. I just can't. I'm sorry.

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[00:33:14] Nathan: That's kind of

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[00:33:16] Mitch: You guys don't know. Okay. All right. Um, but yeah, and it's also from Kansas city. I just don't care for Kansas city as

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[00:33:22] Mitch: city too. Yeah. Um,

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[00:33:27] Mitch: This, this, this one is the one I'm most excited for. And I really hope, I really hope I draw a lot of ire here in comments afterwards.

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[00:33:55] That's how hard I'm going to slap this person. That's Kevin Figgy. And that is, it is solely for single-handedly ruining movies and the movie industry with producing Marvel after Marvel, after Marvel, after Marvel, after marvelous piles of shit that he's been putting out for the past 10 years. So, um, he's ruined finances and movies.

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[00:34:34] Nathan: Before we dive too deep into this. I do want to point out Mitch, some similarity to a young man that we met on the first day that you and I met on our dorm and the little meet and greet where the first thing he said to everybody is I really, you were supposed to go around and say our favorite movie.

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[00:34:59] Mitch: no, because at that point, that point it wasn't ruined yet. We still had, you know, we still had some, some good movies and we didn't understand what was coming. We'd understand how the world was going to change. So furiously.

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[00:35:23] Mitch: I think some men had come out and then an ax

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[00:35:28] Mitch: Technically those, the, the, those

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[00:35:34] Nathan: uh, he

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[00:35:37] Mitch: on those Brian's so I'm sorry. You're wrong. So I'm

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[00:35:44] Nathan: Well, we'll, we'll, we don't have to get in the oh five timeline with that dude, but what is the

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[00:35:52] Nathan: well that's and that's the, and that's one of the problems. Um, and what I, what I can't stand is the, okay, is there's a shared universe. And so other characters pop up and I've seen some of these movies in the theaters and a couple of them, I have enjoyed more than that.

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[00:36:38] Brian: I do stand corrected. He is going all the way back to X-Men. I did not know that he has been bleeding this his entire life.

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[00:36:46] Brian: that's, impressive, actually.

[:

[00:37:05] And so it's just, I just, I hate him so much. And I saw like iron man, which was, which was the, I will say the only one I ever enjoyed, but I saw like Ironman two and Thor, but that was in my days of, I would go to the theater and see like two or three movies at a time. So I'd sometimes I'd see movies that didn't necessarily want to see, but like, you know, I'm like, eh, I'm paying once.

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[00:37:34] Brian: I totally

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[00:37:44] Doesn't get them. You're like, ah, it's just, and then also the fact that like, just so much of the conversation about movies and film is dominated by it. And now those movies are starting to get nominated for Oscars, which shouldn't happen. Cause also like, well, yeah, any fucking ass turd with a tail or, or a snout for a nose and $800 million could make something that's like, sounds good.

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[00:38:24] So now he's on my side and he thinks I've seen like almost all of them. And so I've had to fake my way through conversations about like the winter soldier and fucking, uh, edge of Altron or whatever fucking diamond diamond ring, explosion party, or whatever. And I'm

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[00:38:49] Nathan: a very

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[00:38:52] Mitch: I watch, I watched three quarters of my Marvel movies on porn hub and the edge of Ultron is great. I will say that.

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[00:39:01] Mitch: yeah. Um, Josh Brolin's in the parody too. He it's incredible. He's T he really gets into the role,

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[00:39:09] Mitch: Yes. Yes. Oh, too much. Uh, you don't understand how there's that much, but yeah, I, I digress.

[:

[00:39:39] And like it's still is about individuals. Like also Darth Vader is like, I don't know, not that much fun. Like you root for the people who are real people in those movies. And so like, but like with the Marvel they're, they're here in this world, but they're all just fucking superheroes and it's just, it's so

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[00:40:06] Brian: I remember having that argument after the first Avengers movie. And I was like, you know why I liked iron man, the stakes where I need to stop this guy in a robot costume on this one city block. It was like, you know what? It was contained. I knew it was going to happen, but like, yeah, by the time you're at the first Avengers movie, you have aliens coming through wormholes, attacking the entire planet.

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[00:40:46] Nathan: it's, it's snowballed way, way out of control. And now even the people writing it, you have no like

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[00:41:14] Find the people who really like that. I can respect that, but I think I can understand, like the TV shows are probably going to be a lot more interesting and it's like, you know what? I can watch those when I want, you can dive into character, whatever. But again, those are still on our stars too. So now it's like every single person is associated.

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[00:41:39] Nathan: uh, it's as much fun as it is sounding like a bunch of old curmudgeons shitting over a thing. That's made millions and millions and millions of children happy. Uh, we'll have to move on to Brian's number two.

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[00:41:56] Nathan: Well,

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[00:41:59] Nathan: that never died.

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[00:42:01] Mitch: I see. Okay.

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[00:42:05] two.

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[00:42:11] Brian: Yeah, I'm going to do the Chris rock thing and holding the comment. I want to say, because I don't think anybody will ever listen to the show again. So number two,

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[00:42:28] Brian: no, it was actually worse than that. So I'm going to hold it for off mic. Oh, God died. Number two is the person who ordered more than they can carry at an airport. McDonald. You know, you have a rolly suitcase, you know, you have a backpack, you know, you have a carry on, why are you ordering a tray of drinks, of hot coffee, orange juice, and a soda while you're getting an egg McMuffin and a hash brown or whatever.

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[00:43:23] not a

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[00:43:25] Brian: It's not a businessman doing this either. It's just a, it's a schlub and sweats. And it's just like, why do you guys need this much? McDonald's by yourself. Cause if you, if you had a place to store your luggage, you're traveling with friends or family, you would have left your luggage at the gates and then gone to the McDonald's.

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[00:44:04] Go sit at your gate. And you're like, man, I really need to wash this down. Then you can pop back up and get an orange juice and a water. If you need just to get your vitamin C up, but you're in disliked. No,

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[00:44:16] Brian: I have to look at them. So they need to get on stage and get slapped. Okay. I have to watch this stupid struggle and think about how stupid humanity has gotten. And it's just like, all right, I'm going to take man and sweats and cat lady and put them back up there. And I'm like, look at these fools, look at them, look at them, try and do things that can't do.

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[00:44:58] Mitch: Yeah. I, you know, anyone who orders, orange juice, a coffee and a soda all at once. They're, they're a killer or their tongue doesn't work. Cause that sounds like a terrible beverage experience.

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[00:45:13] Mitch: Was this Jenny, was it Jenny? You just wouldn't help her with her luggage. And you were like, Hey, that's way too much food.

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[00:45:26] Mitch: Also McDonald's orange juice is fucking terrible. That shit like burns your mouth.

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[00:45:35] It gives you acid reflux before it hits your stomach. Yeah.

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[00:45:58] Zero line. I'm like, that's gotta be good. I go there. Incredible meal only like nine bucks. No, no airport markups. Same as like your Panda express downtown Chicago. Great fucking meal. Brought it to a bar. I got to eat at the bar and had a beer at the same time.

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[00:46:19] Mitch: sounds right.

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[00:46:20] Brian: did the same thing I would do. When you had a class that ended at one 20 and then you had another class that started at one 30, I go to fast foods and just inhale orange chicken, and then go to

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[00:46:38] Brian: oh,

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[00:46:45] Brian: I had that exact same thought process and I was going to do that once until I calculated that every time I skipped a class, it costs me $665. And then I never did it. I was like, yep. Every class I'd missed. That's what it would cost.

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[00:47:01] Mitch: what if you, what have you skipped a class, but worked during that time?

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[00:47:14] Nathan: I did. I got to admit, I did make $665 an hour as a tour guide at DePaul. It was a pretty sweet gig. So I was

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[00:47:24] Nathan: it was, it was nice. Um,

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[00:47:35] Brian: Sounds

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[00:47:36] Nathan: right, I'm going to score this out. Brian, I'm only giving you one point cause these, these people didn't do anything to you. I mean, I don't, I don't want to run into

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[00:47:48] says doesn't really affect me

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[00:47:56] Brian: I researched mine too. I lived in at least four or

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[00:48:07] same thing

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[00:48:16] Brian: does over stuffing your arms with McDonald's. So

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[00:48:22] Nathan: Mitch,

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[00:48:23] Nathan: measurements.

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[00:48:24] Mitch: Mute him, mute him. Now, mute him. Turn off his mic.

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[00:48:47] Mitch: Yep. Number one. Okay. So number one, here is a. Uh, okay. So my number one person, I would, um, where, what award show would it bring them to? Oh, so the there's an upcoming or maybe they already did it. The MBA 75th anniversary award show. I'd invite them to that as my special guest, um, I myself would have to get an apple box to do a comfort.

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[00:49:30] And you might say, oh, the Boston Celtics legend. But he was such a nice guy. He was a great teammate. He had, he had mountains and mountains and mountains of post moves. Every movie had, if someone stopped him, he had a counter, the ice cream man, himself 32 flavors of post scoops shoots and hook shots. And I would say, I'm sorry.

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[00:50:10] And you know, he'll say to his grave, I'm sure. Well, I drafted Kevin Garnett and you're like, yeah, great. But everyone wanted Kevin Garnett. He was, he was a, uh, an absolute freak. He had an intensity beyond all others, but his, his largest, most stupid move was signing a secret contract with Joe Smith, who was a midline power forward was not going to push the, the franchise in one direction or the other.

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[00:51:11] Uh, and there was no way to say we, that wouldn't have happened because absolutely could have happened. And then the bulls wouldn't have had their six championships. Jordan's whole six championships, two, three Pete's legacy would have been gone. This would have changed the course of NBA history. Garnette would have never left Minnesota.

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[00:51:51] And instead. Jordan only has four championships and Timberwolves. We've got five. So that's, that's what would have happened. That's what would have happened. Um, and you can't see any otherwise cause like I'm pretty sure that would've happened. So,

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[00:52:15] Mitch: Well, hold on hold also, also then also Gar Garnette would have rightfully been known as the best power forward ever play the game, not Tim Duncan, Tim Duncan, women pushed down a little bit

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[00:52:29] Mitch: There there's there's there's no way you can refute it because you can't say it couldn't have happened. So therefore it absolutely did. But,

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[00:52:38] Nathan: Look at, look at this guy. So he's, he's writing his own Marvel script right now. He can't help himself.

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[00:52:55] Nathan: Nice tagline.

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[00:53:06] Nathan: Oh, that's harsh.

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[00:53:21] Nathan: So many

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[00:53:24] Mitch: I always think of the best retorts possible, so I haven't, I haven't felt that before, so

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[00:53:53] So that's fine. I was on the relative side, we are facing the absolute side and I remember just being like completely dominated by like everyone on my side had something awesome to say, and I'm like, I need to say something. So I like forced in some like weird like scenario, like, well, yeah, but like if the guy like breaks into your house, but he was already a bad guy and you kill him. And it was like completely not a full-on thought made no sense. And I remember the girl sitting next to me just being like, no, don't, don't listen to him. And like, she continued on with something that was brilliant. And I was like, God damn it. And then I got home and it was like, all of a sudden it clicked to me like every single one of them celebrated Christmas.

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[00:55:02] Nathan: Would've been nice.

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[00:55:05] Nathan: That's a good

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[00:55:21] Nathan: Ah,

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[00:55:26] I was like, ah, and yeah, so it was, that was the moment I was like, that was the first time I truly experienced. Like you can think before you speak and if you don't have anything to say, you can just not say anything and no one will care. If you have something to contribute, contribute. If you don't shut your fucking mouth and learn about it more and come back, that's totally fine.

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[00:56:05] Mitch: I have a question for Brian here. Okay. The whole Santa thing. What is like, is there a positive outcome that is outweighs just not telling your kid ever about Santa's like what, like what's the true positives to them believing in Santa.

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[00:56:39] Nathan: of childlike wonder.

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[00:56:44] You're going to have that for eight or nine years, max, and then life is absolute shit downhill from there. So why not just give you nine years max of just a little bit of happiness.

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[00:57:00] Brian: For one 12th of the year and it's like, you're going to learn about it. And you're like, oh yeah. Then you're going to think like, oh, maybe you'll actually then have the skillset to be like, maybe I should question everything that's said to me.

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[00:57:22] Nathan: your 17 year old self would be so proud of you right now.

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[00:57:26] Mitch: Well, so like w could, could kids not look forward to Christmas if they just knew their parents were giving them presses?

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[00:57:42] You'd like tells everyone, like guys, Sam is not really a Damascus, but uh,

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[00:57:50] Nathan: what, look forward

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[00:57:52] Brian: Metro probably rival in that you brought a love that actually.

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[00:58:05] Brian: don't think you understand how petty most people will be. They would, they would love to call you. And I think that's the opposite. They know they would, they don't know that they would have met your match when they called you. So they'd be in for an ass slap and I'm not denying that's all right.

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[00:58:35] There we go.

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[00:58:38] Nathan: Wow. Um,

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[00:58:42] Nathan: got a score, the final round out and Brian for going after I said, you can't come up there after the people I care about for going after yourself, I got to deduct three points and then. Then Mitch for going after, uh, beloved people like Kevin McHale, Michael Jordan and Santa Claus, old uncle Scrooge here is also getting deducted three points.

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[00:59:17] Mitch: Thank you. Thank you very much. I appreciate that. The w and, uh, yeah, uh, slap on my dudes. So.

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[00:59:47] Some people's paths in life were laid out. As soon as the name was put on the birth certificate, these five musicians could only have ever ended up in the bands they did. So, Brian, I'll give you a name of a rock musician, the instrument they played, and you just have to guess what band they were from because their names just fit.

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[01:00:08] Brian: well, I'm there. Let's embarrass myself.

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[01:00:15] Brian: Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, fuck you in the sucker knots.

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[01:00:30] Brian: Uh, British castle and the guillotines.

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[01:00:40] Brian: ZZ

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[01:00:40] Nathan: That's right. Trick question though. Cause he only recently grew a beard number two Artimus Pyle on the drums,

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[01:00:51] scanner.

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[01:01:13] Brian: Brian

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[01:01:14] Nathan: from the ramshackle tenements in the south port corridor of Chicago has been, and I'm Nathan Huntington, as always says, don't hit people simple as that.

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