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In this episode, Lorraine shared her speaking journey and about her methodology when helping people manage their anger.
In 2007, Lorraine had to speak to parents and wanted to get better.
She discovered Toastmasters International, and now she's a mentor.
We learned anger management from our family.
Holding things in had a physical affect on Lorraine's body.
School board offered a chance to teach about anger.
She learned something new each time she taught it.
Is using tips she learned then in her current coaching.
About the Guest:
Lorraine Durnford-Hill is a Early Childhood Resource Consultant with over 40 years of experience working with therapists, children and parents. Currently she is working on masterminding her second career after retirement in 2021. She supports families with parenting issues and works 1-1 with children. She has recently developed an 8 week course called: "5 Steps to Taming the Anger Monster." This program helps fill your tool box so you can bring connection, calmness and joy back into your life.
About the Host:
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Welcome to Behind the Lectern. Since 2006. Your host, Jeff Klein has been working with speakers at all levels, from beginners to Toastmasters International Award winners from experts to national speaker Association Hall of Famers. In each episode, Jeff introduces you to some of these speakers as you learn about their speaker journey, how they got started, where they came from, where they're going, and more. Take the lessons they have learned on their way to help you with your own path to make speaking work for you. Let's get started.Jeff Klein:
Hi, everybody. Welcome to another episode of Behind the Lectern. I'm excited by guest today has stepped in when we needed somebody to fill in and I appreciate that a lot. Thank you Lorraine Durnford-Hill. Lorraine is an early childhood resource consultant with over 40 years of experience working with therapists, children and parents. Currently she is working on masterminding her second career. After retirement in 2021. Lorraine supports families with parenting issues, and works one on one with children. She has recently developed an eight week course called five steps to taming the anger monster. This program helps fill your toolbox so you can bring connection, calmness and joy back into your life. Can we do that with adults to Lorraine ?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Full 100%. That's where it needs to start.Jeff Klein:
I'm glad you're here. Thank you so much for filling in. First off, we met through the speaker's Playhouse and all that great crowd of folks. And for those of you who don't know, every Thursday, we spend 90 minutes together talking about where to speak and who we need to speak. And it's well worth your time. I'll put the link in the show notes. If you're a speaker of any sort or aspire to be one. You should definitely join us in speaker's Playhouse. Lorraine, tell me how you got started speaking.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Well, I've been a Toastmasters since 2007. And it was because my sister she was at Toastmaster and I I was curious about what this Table Topics meant or giving a speech, I was very curious, crying. I was I was easily. And I couldn't understand that because my job was talking with parents and explaining things to parents. But when I stood up in front of everybody, it was like, nothing would come out properly. And so I thought this wasn't for me. But it is a something that sort of drove me I need to get better at this. I want to get better at this. And it was through that practice and practice and practice that it helps helps sort of hone this skill. You know, now I've been I've been every part of Toastmasters here to the president, secretary, all those different roles. And now people look to me as a mentor. Whereas before I took every advice from everybody, because I needed that help. And now I just love watching someone come in. And they're just nervous and, and tense. And then by giving them a few little tips here and there and giving them feedback. It can change how they do things. And people have gone on to do much better things. As they as they grow.Jeff Klein:
That's great. So you discovered the well, you were you were you had to speak inside your bit your current job.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
And then you went to get better at it. And did you start competing and doing some of the stuff at Toastmasters?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yes, yeah, I did the different speaking. We have him doing humorous stories. We have sort of tall tales, you can do evaluations and you can be Toastmasters, international, Toastmaster. So all those things helped build skills. And also what I noticed I'm building more skills I even though I've been in it for a long time. The people that I meet on speakers Playhouse and for example you they're so good at giving information to other people, they're not holding everything back. They are just giving you information. It doesn't matter how good of a speaker you are. Somebody always has another trick that goes on never thought that. Oh, that's amazing. I've been taking a lot of programs on you know, story writing and with Tammy and scriptrunner and she just gives you the As little insights noodle that's really going to add to my speaking ability. It is a great community, because everybody is so supportive of each other. Sure.Jeff Klein:
And for those of us who are lifelong learners, it's a really good fit. Because there's always something new to learn.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Now, when did you start? Or did you speak outside of work at all before this new career venture.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Inside of work, it was more like the Optimist Club, I did a speech there. And but most of it was done through work. And I was taking a course on self regulation. And of course, I had to do some presentations there. So I did, you know, keep honing my skills a little bit more, I have definitely learned a lot because of what I've been doing in the last year, really focusing on getting a message out there that people needed to hear.Jeff Klein:
So tell us, we'll talk a little more about how speaking is going to help you do that. But tell us about the message that you're speaking about now?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Well, I sort of wanted to put it in a little niche, talking about anger management, because I finding that the world around us, people are angry. And I found when I was looking back and reflecting on that all of our ways of dealing with anger came from our family of origin. Will you know, we learn how to deal with anger, whether we learn to yell, scream, hit, temper tantrum, or like myself, I learned to stop everything down. I learned to just keep it all inside, children should be seen not heard. And you just, you just dealt with it that way. And so looking back on that, I never learned how to effectively argue or have a disagreement. And then that started to have an effect on my body. As I realized that, I'm not feeling well, or anytime I get angry, I could feel it in my heart or pains. So I realized that this anger that I was still holding on to whether it was from my marriage, or for whatever was affecting my body. But one of the aha moments came, it was the first year after my ex had left. And I'm out shoveling the snow shoveling the snow. And I'm crying and crying and crying. And I was saying if I only had a husband, I wouldn't have to do this. And about five minutes later, I started laughing hysterically. My neighbors must have thought I was crazy. I went I had a husband and I still have to shovel the snow. So it was all about changing what what you say to yourself? Because yes, it was true that, you know, if I had a husband, maybe I wouldn't have had to do it. But it was also true that I had a husband. And I still had to shovel the snow. So it was a change in my mindset that started making me think about anger. And then I had a golden opportunity to start teaching a course on anger. And that was that opened my eyes so much because I learned every time I taught it, I learned learn something new. And that's so true. To teach, you can learn. It's definitelyJeff Klein:
How that come about.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I just got offered a job through the school board to teach parents about anger, to really looking for people. And wow, I got that job opportunity. I taught it for I think about 10 years. And it was great because of the feedback because some people were mandated to be there. Some people just came for interest. And it was a wide range of people. So it challenged your speaking because you have to, to touch different people at different educational levels, different motivations. So you're speaking had to hit all those little pieces. And so that was that was very interesting. So that sort of opened my eyes to how different people learn.Jeff Klein:
I know that's part of what you teach. Now you've incorporated ways people learn and stuff like that.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yeah. And then I I'm not saying that I never get angry, and we all we all have a little dip in our anger. But then I came across self regulation. And that is all about making sure that when we feel that anger that we put in place ways that we He can restore that energy, because anger drains us. And we need to figure out a way to restore our energy. So combining what he knew about anger, and then self regulation, it's tied it all up in a nice little bow that I can share with other people. And what I'm so learning from everybody is how to present this, I'm still working on it. It's working progress, but it is the best way to present it to others out in the community.Jeff Klein:
Got it. So how do you? What terminology Do you like to use when you're talking about the stuff?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Well, I find that we need to look at it in five sort of points. So what you need when when you're feeling anger, anger is just an emotion, we can go positive or negative with anger. And most people don't negative. But anger just means that you need to do a change, it just signifies to your body or your mind, a change needs to happen. So you can either take it a negative way, or you can take it a more positive way. But if you're thinking of the five key points of anger, I like to think about if you're breathing through it and thinking about it, and sort of slowing yourself down, as you go up to your thumb and you reframe. You think about that you reframe what how you're seeing the situation, you know, kids aren't out to get me, that guy isn't really a jerk, all those things that you're saying to yourself, it's, you know, maybe they just don't have the skills to deal with that.Jeff Klein:
And I had to shovel snow anyway, when I had.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yeah. So just reframing, reframing everything that you're saying to yourself, when you feel that anger, come on, and then you're going to see what's happening in your body. So you're going up the second finger, and, okay, my teeth are grinding my jaws tight. And take sort of an inventory of your body, and then try and release that by understanding where you're feeling that tension. And then you're going to reduce that tension. You're, and you can choose, okay, I can go for a walk. So you're going up to your third finger and go for a walk, I can listen to music, I can write in a journal, three, and then you're going down, and then your next hurdle is okay, why did that trigger me? What was the reason for that? So you're sort of reflecting, you're okay, that's because they did this or because they did that. That's why I was triggered. And then the last thing is, restore, what am I going to do to get to that win win? How am I going to get rid of this anger, and deal with it. And by preparing for conflict resolution, then you're going to be able to sort of breathe again, and get down the other side. So you're just sort of, if you just take the time to go in, just walk through all those steps, you're going to come to a solutionJeff Klein:
Got it. Okay, so do you prefer conflict, conflict resolution as a terminology instead of anger management? Are they are they the same thing? Or just related?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yeah, I'm really struggling with that. And maybe you can help me with that. Because I don't think it's anger management, per se. Because anger, we can make it into a positive thing. So I am struggling a little bit with that. And so that's one area that I do need clarification on. Because, you know, yes, all my teachings have been about anger management. But my gut feeling is, it's to reduce the oneJeff Klein:
I'm wondering about. Yeah, that's a term that the courts use. Yeah, they make somebody go take mandatory management. And I think it may be, if you're asking people to opt in for it, it may be that that's not the right. Phrasing to get people to choose it themselves.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yeah. And that's why I was struggling with calling it taming the anger monster. Because I've worked with children for so long. I could just see that monster, because I had one of the kids draw a monster. And it was with the arms out with the hands on the hip. And that was their version of a monster and that's perfect. So, again, a lot of my examples when I do my teaching is based on what I've seen in children, but I also can relate to adults.Jeff Klein:
What could be anger reframing, even though that's not super powerful? Mm. or reframing anger, or even even managing anger sounds better than anger management?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Even same word, it's just the emphasis is in a different place. And I think maybe, maybe a word like structuring or redirecting or non copies of just kind of spitballing. Some ideas to think about. And for those of you listening and watching this podcast, if something strikes you, and you go, that's it. That's the one send, send Lorena message, or info will be in the show notes. So, Toastmasters helped you be good on the job speaker. He spoke a lot to get better on the job. And at Toastmasters, you did one or two outside talks, was that, like through the Toastmasters? Speaker bureau?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Sometimes? Yeah. And sometimes it was just, you know, somebody asked me,Jeff Klein:
And then last, then 2021 It's time to reinvent Lorraine and kings a major part of it.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yes. Yeah. Getting my story out, and, and just figuring out a new career in life, you know, I've got 40 years of information, you know, backed away in this hedge. And I need me to share that.Jeff Klein:
Yeah, absolutely. So Sorry. Go ahead. No, you go ahead.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I find that with speakers play house, or anything, like even the Speaker's Coop, it is that sounding board that you need. Because you may have this idea that sounds like a great idea to you. But until it comes out of your mouth, and somebody else hears it, it really affects the way your message comes across.Jeff Klein:
So I think that looking back at the title, the anger monster, I think that's pretty good. I mean, taming the anger monster, I think you there's a lot to but to work with there. And it's not age specific. It's friendly. It's friendly language for kids. But it's not. It doesn't alienate adults. Yeah. And sometimes, when we're marketing to children, we use language that doesn't work for adults. But I, I think the five steps to taming the anger monster now, I might consider a different word besides steps. Maybe because steps implies you that you go from one to the other to the other. And it may be that you can do the job with just one of the steps is that am I? Is that accurate? Is it five ways? Or any do all five steps and build into that?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I almost think it is steps because you have to go through everything to be able to negotiate? Because if you Well, you could I guess if you could stop at the first one. Well, I don't care.Jeff Klein:
Right, but if you need one before two and all five is the best way to make everything work, then you do call them steps is the right is the right right now. So yeah, nevermind.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
But again, it is hearing it and I might go back and go. Yeah, he was right. And I think it's that reflection. It's you know, it's with anything that we do with the anger with our speaking abilities. It's going back and reflecting Oh, that was interesting that that caught his attention. Or, Oh, I wonder why that didn't fly with him. So I think that when we're on our speaking journey, it is a good way to practice, practice practice, they say, but having people sounding back to you is going to help you in the long run.Jeff Klein:
You're in groups and individually.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Yes, yes. Are you when I first started doing the anger course? I did it one on one with someone. The next time I did, I did it as I videotaped everything and then just sent the person that videos. And then the last time the last session was one on one. And she went ooh, I liked the one on one better than just reading the videos. It was definitely a difference.Jeff Klein:
That's interesting. So what are your plans for speaking now?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Well, I would like to do some speaking engagements. I want to get some words out there and I want to connect with my network. So it is been difficult because I work with dates used to work with daycares and childcare. And of course, parents can't come in to the center's anymore. So there's not the connection that there used to be. So I have to think differently about how I'm going to connect. But I think it's definitely networking with the people I know And figuring things out. There's lots of great things out there for people to connect with. So I think that just putting my name out there feeling confident about networking, and believing that I have something to share, but other people have things to share. Like, I would have no problem, you know, telling people Oh, go to Jeff, he's got some great ideas. And I think that as we network like that, we are able to expand more, because we, we are helping each other.Jeff Klein:
So what's next? What's the we've talked a little bit about the current plans? Actually, not? What's next? who do want to be in front of sorry, that's my next question.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Okay, who would I want to be in front of, I think it's in front of anybody who is wanting information that. And I think, you know, we were supposed to narrow it down, but I feel that I can help parents, I can help people who are just struggling, you know, I'm definitely not the type of person that can handle the person whose, you know, anger is sending them to jail or doing all those things. That's not where I'm at. I'm thinking of the you and me, who just want to understand anger better and be able to deal with it, and being able to move forward.Jeff Klein:
More corporate than community, perhaps. Yeah. All right. And what so the civic organizations might be a good place, like the Optimist Club, like you mentioned, the achieving that the Chamber of Commerce might be a good place. Something else to consider is some is women's organizations, even like the women business organizations, because for every profession, there's a women's and auxilary is the wrong word. But there's a Women's Association, Women's Association of Realtors, the Women's Association of engineers, and lawyers, and creatives. And I mean, what have you, that might be fertile ground for you, as far as the speak to get paid circuit? Yeah.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
And next parent, as you mentioned before, to me about parenting groups, and making sure that I'm on those, again, COVID is limiting a lot of things because I feel that if it wasn't COVID, I would be able to go and stop into these places.Jeff Klein:
Sure. Yeah.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
Doors would have opened a little bit easier. But doing it all virtually. It's it's trying to figure out how to get because of those stages.Jeff Klein:
Right. And yeah, it just takes a little bit more work a little bit more follow up for sure. And meet up in Eventbrite to have you know, some of the groups you want to be in front of her advertising themselves there some are doing on Facebook. What I've discovered, and again, I don't know, I'm not a Facebook, Facebook, algorithm expert or anything. But I started liking some groups. And, for example, I started liking rotaries, but also messaging them asking, you know, do they have virtual speakers if they're not local, and if they're local, who's your, who's your speaker coordinator now. And those that respond, I'm able to get in touch with and see what their speaking needs are. But also, more of them are showing up on my feet. For me, even though I haven't said that I liked them. And what I've done is I've used, the fact that I liked them means that I've messaged them. So I may not hear back and I may see that I liked the rotary in Sydney, Australia, and I go to the message box, and I messaged them three years ago, and nobody responded by go ahead and message them again, and then you know, may or may not hear back from somebody. But the more rotaries, I click like on the more show up in my feed, that may be something beneficial to you and of course, beneficial to our listeners if they're looking to speak to that kind of group. And this podcast is about people's speaker journeys over a Speaker Coop, we have events where we talk about the power of speaking at rotaries, or how many what kind of groups you can speak at, and that kind of education we offer through Speakercoop.com whereas we try to keep Behind the Lectern, more pure I guess that's not the right word. But I want him I want behind the lecture to be about the guests, not about the education I offer. And I want it to be about the guest and their speaker journey and the education they offer. I've got so that there I'll we can even put that in the show notes. There's plenty of our there's two opportunities every month to tap into the speaker Coop crowd and And so there's you can hear, see one of my roommates and hear the other. But there's the other one they think. And one years, one year, it was maybe a year and a half by now. SoLorraine Durnford-Hill:
Well, they keep you in line.Jeff Klein:
they do keep me in line, for sure. Sure.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I definitely think that anybody who wants to be a speaker needs to reach out, either to an organization to let speakers Coop, or any place where they can practice where they can get information. And they can put themselves in front of the right audience. Because everybody wants to hear a good speaker. That's what they're there for. They don't want to be bored, they don't want to waste their time. So the better we can hone our skills, the more we're going to be able to be in front of more people.Jeff Klein:
That's great advice and spot on whatever it is, you're looking to be better at, you need to seek people who are already doing it. That also goes to that old quote about being this if you're the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room. But yes, so And Speaker Coop can be a clearinghouse for places, we have some resource pages there at speakercoop.com. So people can find other groups like speakers Playhouse which again, it'll be in the show notes for this episode. Because we brought it up, and we try to keep everything accurate and helpful for those of you who are finding us through the podcast world. What is are there any questions? Lorraine that I should have asked that I didn't?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I think you were you asked some good questions to make me think about where I'm going. Because this is fairly new to me to branch out on my own to be sort of that entrepreneur, yes. You know, doing presenting in front of my co workers. That's not a problem, because I know the information like that their captive audience in one sense, too, because they have to be there.Jeff Klein:
It's now finding my audience that really needs to hear and wants to hear.Jeff Klein:
That's great. Well, so if you want to reach Lorraine, what's the best way to do it?Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
You can reach me by email at email@example.com. Okay, or with more from the parenting aspect? mychildisspecial.ca is my website.Jeff Klein:
Have you tried to get the angermonster.com.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
I tried to get I think I, my sister and I are working on that. Okay, try and get that one. To see if we can do that one. So my, my sister, she's learning. She's also an entrepreneur, and she's learning and we tend to move back and forth. So it definitely you cannot do this. in isolation, it so much to learn, there's Do you may have a great voice, but there's all that background stuff that you need to put in place figured out.Jeff Klein:
Everybody needs a team of golf, maybe one person actually hitting the ball. But Tiger Woods has a caddy, and he has a half a dozen coaches for different things. As a manager, it's not a one person gig, you have to have to have a team around you. Nobody made it. Nobody made it on their own. They all had somebody behind them, or usually several somebodies behind them. They just got to be the name that everybody knows, like. Most of us didn't hear of any of the guys Bill Gates worked with until later. But then Steve Jobs and all those guys, they didn't do it alone. They had a team, that people supporting him. So that's very good advice. Lorraine, thank you for that. So I think we've covered some good ground today. And I appreciate you being willing to go from a member of our live studio audience to our featured guest this week.Lorraine Durnford-Hill:
And never know what's going to happen. Just sharing.Jeff Klein:
Like our friend Kimberly Crowe says if somebody hands you a microphone, you sayLorraine Durnford-Hill:
All right, well, thank you again, we'll put in the shownotes firstname.lastname@example.org, to book Lorraine, to come speak for your group and to be on your podcast. Please reach out to her for that. And this is Jeff Klein with Behind the Lectern and Speakercoop.com We'll see you next time.BTL Intro/Outro:
If you're in the top 25 percent of the fastest time. Wow, what a great speaker. Where did you find him? You know, I used to have trouble finding speakers then someone told me about speakercoop.com. Speakercoop.com. What's that? It's a website full of speakers who speak to groups like ours. How did you decide which speaker to choose? The website lets you search for speaker by topic. You can even type one search word in and find all the speakers who have that word in their topic, then you can read the speaker's bio to see if they're fit for your group. That sounds great. Yes, I'm using speakercoop.com. To find all the speakers for our group this year and blackout to find a speaker for our luncheon next month. This will make it easy. I'm going to go to Speakercoop.com and over and over again.