TU60: Preoccupation in Relationships – Signs and Solutions to Anxious Attachment
Improve your sense of security and communicate more effectively inside yourself, and with those you love by understand preoccupied/anxious attachment. Begin to learn to manage your body’s reactivity in relationships by learning about preoccupied/anxious attachment and how it relates to unconscious regulation of the brain.
Dr. Ann Kelley and Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP discuss the Insecure Preoccupied, or Anxious/Ambivalent side of the attachment spectrum. This discussion can stand alone, but it also continues as a soft Part 2 from last episode TU59: Are You Cool or Just Cut Off – Dismissing Attachment. The hosts begin to really go into how to use the attachment spectrum to identify where you might fall and how to move towards a more secure place.
Find out how preoccupied attachment is formed and passed on, as well as how starting anxious affects relationships later in our adult life. You’ll learn how to manage relationships better by turning inwards and regulating yourself rather than focusing on others to calm you down. Therapist Uncensored co-hosts Kelley and Marriott will also provide basic tips towards identifying where you are on the attachment spectrum and how to move from preoccupation towards security.
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TU60: Podcast episode show notes-
Introduction and recap on attachment, organized & disorganized categories of attachment
Red side of the attachment spectrum – preoccupied attachment
Transferring preoccupied attachment from parent to child (sometimes out of fear of mis-parenting), children reacting to parents’ state of mind. Body can’t relax if caretaker is harboring unsettling feelings.
Preoccupied parents are better at attuning to fear in their child
Preoccupied parents can’t tolerate their own anxiety when child gets too far away. Find the balance between letting children go of and have fun and being there when they need it.
Very young secure children calm down when parents return after being separated. Preoccupied or “angry ambivalent” children will go to the parent but won’t let them soothe them, won’t trust that parent will remain there.
Identifying your attachment type and handling it in your adulthood. We’re already attuned to other people and we’re used to the sense of rejection but it’s hard to attune to your own body and figure out what YOU want.
Hyperactivation is an exaggeration of a normal healthy response (e.g. looking for closeness), being perceived as “clingy” or receiving disproportionate “blame”. Over-activation occurs in the red zone (as opposed to under-activation in the blue zone).
Underlying assumption that if you’re rejected or abandoned, you’re not OK
You can’t always look to the other person to soothe you; this might be your own history at play.
If you fall on red side of spectrum, try to scan externally less and instead check on how you’re doing. Identify your own body cues for triggers (separation, defining yourself and feeling separate, etc.), focus inwards.
Be selfish (at least in your body scan)! Have your “personal policy”. Learning to hold off on talking about things until you calm down.
Learning how to use “soft tosses” in communication with preoccupied individuals. Figuring what you really want out of a conversation (it might not just being proved right). Understanding your own state of mind and the other person’s simultaneously. Giving your partner a “credibility statement”.
Red side should move towards self. Blue side should move towards others.
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