Join Megan Conner and her daughter Emmie for an intimate conversation about growing up in a 'part-member family,' the unique pressures of serving an LDS mission, and the transformation it sparked. Emmie shares her journey from the expectations at home, through the intensive training at the MTC, to the profound experiences of her 18-month mission. This episode redefines what it means to embrace change, offering insights into family dynamics, personal growth, and the courage to follow one's path. Whether you're exploring your own midlife journey or curious about the impact of faith and family, this episode will inspire you to see transformation in a new light.

WEBVTT

Hello, beautiful humans.

Welcome to the Midlife Revolution.

I'm your host, Megan Conner.

And today I am joined by one

of the most fantastic

people on the entire planet,

my oldest daughter, Emmy.

Hello.

Emmy is short for Megan Elizabeth.

We've called you Emmy your whole life.

And there were even people

that knew you for 20 years

before they knew that your

real name was Megan.

True, true story.

So I brought Emmy on today

because among the many

things that we could

discuss between the two of

us that I think would be

very entertaining,

you served an LDS mission

after high school.

And I wanted you to talk

about your experiences on

the mission and shed some

light for people about what

it's really like to serve a

mission and how they should

react to Mormon

missionaries when they see

them out there in the world.

So thanks for being here today.

You're welcome.

What do you want to tell us

about yourself before we get started,

the people who don't know you?

live in California with my

husband and my little boy.

Who is adorable.

Yes.

He just started preschool,

which is very exciting for us.

I am neurodivergent.

I have a lot of crafty hobbies,

and I'm currently staying

home with my little guy,

so not working outside the

home right now.

But who knows?

In the future, that may change.

And I'm trained as a birth doula,

so I have a background in birth work.

Well, cool.

You also are just, I don't know,

when I think about who you

are as a person,

I think you're super

creative and you are always

just well put together.

You have just an aesthetic about you.

I mean,

even when your hair is just up in a

bun or whatever,

you just always have a way

of coordinating your clothes and

textures and colors and

makeup and all of that

stuff thanks mom that's

nice you're good at that

stuff

that sometimes when

people ask me like what I

do I tell them that I'm a

fiber artist because I feel

like that kind of is a good

umbrella for all the things

that I enjoy doing but you

know I have one of those like chronic

How hard could it be, Jeanne?

Where if there's something I want to do,

I'm just like, well,

how hard could that be?

I'll try it.

Yes.

Emmy is an excellent seamstress.

She makes quilts and clothes.

And she's considering opening a business.

So I'm pretty excited about that.

I think it's going to be super cool.

It's a big dream.

Yeah.

Well, just to get started.

So let's give the people a little context.

You graduated high school in 2013, right?

And then that was right

about the time that they

lowered the missionary age

for sister missionaries from 21 to 19.

and so you were 18 when you

graduated from high school

and so that meant that i

think they made that

announcement in the spring

of 2013 if i remember

correctly at that

conference at general

conference i think it was

either that spring or the

previous fall in 2012

because i remember receiving

a text from my seminary

teacher at that time and

she was very excited for

all of the kids in our

seminary class that could

basically go on a mission

right after high school if

we wanted to because the

the age was also lowered

for young men from 19 to

18. yeah so it was it was a

year earlier for men and

two years earlier for women

And I do remember,

I think maybe you are right

about it being the fall.

So that meant that when you

graduated from high school,

you could start the process

right away of putting in

your mission papers.

Right.

I didn't.

But yes, I could have.

You could have.

Yeah.

So can you talk a little bit

about your excitement about the mission?

Like, did it change?

Did you want to go on a

mission before the age change?

Once the age change got announced,

did that make you want to

go more or sooner?

Or what were your thoughts

about the mission before

the age change and then

after it happened?

I had never really

considered going on a

mission ever because 21

felt really old to me.

And I was hoping that I

would either be like in

college and like already a

few years into college by

that time or married or, you know,

so a mission was never

really on my radar.

until they lowered the age.

And then I kind of thought

about it because so many

people were excited.

Now this is an option for you.

Maybe you could do it.

But honestly, at that time in my life,

as an older teenager,

I wasn't really super, I don't know,

spiritually or emotionally

invested in church.

I don't know.

I think I was attending

church at that time because

I knew it made you happy and

it was kind of like a habit.

Like this is just what we do

on Sundays kind of thing.

But I, I wouldn't say that I was

I don't know, like into it,

if that makes sense.

Yeah.

Which kind of surprises me

to hear because up to that

point you did all the

things you were involved in

everything church wise,

you were very active.

You went to every activity.

you brought your friends to church.

Several of your friends got

baptized in high school

because of your missionary efforts,

you know,

just bringing them to church and

sharing the gospel with them.

I think it was mostly that

other people expected me to

to be active and to do all the things.

So, and it wasn't just you, it was like,

you know, my grandparents,

my young women's leaders,

everybody kind of looked at

me as the eldest of six as the, you know,

you have to be the example

for your younger siblings.

And also there weren't very many, um,

teenagers or youth, my age in our ward,

in our congregation.

So a lot of times I brought

my friends just because I

wanted to hang out with my friends.

And so,

You know,

you expected me to go to youth

group on Wednesday nights

and all these activities and stuff.

And so I was like, well,

I may as well just bring a

friend kind of thing.

And it's interesting because

I had a lot of friends that

were much more like

monetarily wealthy than I was.

But I felt like most of them

didn't really have like a

spiritual background or a

lot of emotional support at home.

So they saw our family and

the church as kind of this like really,

you know, spiritual, uplifting place.

It was like a gap in their

lives that they didn't have.

So they enjoyed coming with me.

I never really like pushed

my friends to join the church.

to join the church, it was just like,

this is what I'm doing.

So if you want to be a part

of my life and I spent so

much of my time

volunteering at church and going to the,

you know,

youth activities and all that

stuff that it was like,

if you want to spend time with me,

this is what I'm doing.

So come along kind of thing.

Yeah.

Okay,

so Emmy portaled into a different

dimension so that we could

improve the sound quality a little bit.

So that's why she looks different now.

The visual quality isn't as good,

but the sound quality is better.

Yeah,

you don't get that golden hour light

on your face,

but you still look beautiful.

Thanks.

Okay,

so we were talking about you inviting

your friends to church with you,

and several of them got

baptized while you were in high school.

And so it was kind of

surprising to me to hear

that you hadn't really

thought about going on a mission before.

Yeah, I just...

I think I brought my friends

with me to church because I

wanted to hang out with my friends.

And they, I mean, they enjoyed it.

They enjoyed spending time with me.

So I think for some of them,

it filled a gap that they

didn't have in their lives

because some of them

weren't religious at all.

Yeah.

So...

I think I mostly attended

church at that time in my

life because everybody expected me to,

including you.

And also at that time,

Connor and Cassie were

already like one foot out the door,

if not out already.

Out of the church.

Out of the church.

Yeah.

And so I felt like I didn't

want to be another one of

your kids that was

disappointing you in that way, I guess.

You know, so.

I hate that because.

It wasn't that for me.

It wasn't a disappointment

in the way that I was

disappointed in the kids

who chose to leave.

It was sort of just a

continuation of being in

the limbo state of not

being married to somebody

who was a member

and not being married in the temple.

Because in Mormonism,

when you're not married in the temple,

you're not sealed to your children.

And so I never felt as

though our family was like complete.

And I also didn't feel when

kids started to leave the church,

I didn't feel any sort of

angst about that

spiritually because I was like, well,

we were never sealed anyway.

And I feel like God will

just take care of it.

You know, it's like,

there's nothing I can do about it,

you know?

And I wasn't disappointed

either in saying like, oh,

I'm so disappointed in, you know,

X kid for leaving the

church that makes me think less of them.

It really was more just like,

especially with Connor,

because he always was his

own person anyway.

He's so different from me

and from the rest of you

guys that it was like, he,

this is who he is.

Like he's an individual person.

And there were so many

things that I loved about

him and still do obviously

so many great

characteristics that each of

you have that to me,

leaving the church was like

a part of your personal journey.

And there was also sort of

like the Mormon part of me that was like,

I did absolutely everything

that I could to raise my

kids in the church and

teach them the gospel.

And I know that

that foundation is gonna be

good enough of a spiritual

foundation that God will

take care of it after this life is over.

I was really faithful about

reading scriptures with you

guys and trying to have

family home evening as much

as we could and taking you

to church every single Sunday.

And even when I was out of town or sick,

I would get you guys a ride

to church and make sure that you went.

So I felt like I had done

everything I could for you

spiritually and the rest

was up to you guys.

You hear that phrase in the church a lot,

the teach them correct

principles and then let

them govern themselves kind of thing,

which honestly is not a bad

philosophy to have as a parent.

So that makes sense to me.

Yeah.

And the other one was raise

them up in the ways of the Lord and love.

they will not depart from it,

that Bible verse.

So those kind of things

brought me comfort.

And also,

I had been so judged and so

shamed by my parents when I

didn't do things exactly

right that I never wanted

to treat you guys that way.

So I had this view of you as

individuals apart from me,

and your choices didn't reflect on me.

And so I, you know,

I loved you no matter what kind of thing.

Yeah,

and I definitely didn't think that

you would not love me or

think less of me for not

attending church anymore.

I think it was...

partially that this is just what you do.

Like I didn't really know

any other way because that

was our community and that

was where we spent so much

of our time and we were so

invested in it.

So I think I attended because of that,

but also because obviously

I love you and you're my

mom and I respect you and

I could see that through a

lot of adversity and things

that happened in our life

while I was growing up,

the church was very much

like a rock for you and a

place where you could find

solace and community and those things.

And so I think in a way,

I don't know that I ever

would have put this

together as a teenager,

but looking back now, I think

some part of me recognized

that those were things I

wanted in my life, too.

So even if I wasn't like

super gung ho on the gospel,

I was I think I stayed in

the church as long as I did

because of the community

aspect and because of the tradition.

You know,

this is our faith tradition in

our family.

This is what we do.

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

So what was it that that

made you finally choose to

serve a mission?

that is a long story.

Um,

but basically to give you the spark

notes version, um,

At that time in my life.

So I graduated high school in 2013,

and then all of my friends

pretty much went away to college either.

out of state or far enough

away that i wasn't seeing

all of my friends anymore

like day to day um so i

started working i mean i

had been working through my

senior year and stuff but i

was still living at home

and then i was working for

several months and it was

the kind of thing where i

would just like save enough

up save up enough money to

go travel somewhere and

then i would come back home

and save up enough money to

go somewhere else and then

come back home so

I didn't really have a plan

for going to school.

There was nothing that I was

particularly passionate

about studying in a college setting.

And also,

we didn't have the money to send

me to college.

So I knew that if I was

going to go to college,

I would need to apply for student aid.

I would need to pay for it myself.

And that wasn't something

that I was prepared to

invest in at that time.

So I was just kind of floating, I guess,

working, dating,

I got involved with some

different boyfriends that

were really not good for me.

Um,

but there was a point in the spring of

2014 where I had been,

I was working a job early

mornings at a bakery.

So I would get there at like

2 AM and work until 8 AM.

And then I would leave that job, come home,

shower,

get dressed and go to my other job,

waiting tables and working

the lunch shift at this little bistro.

by our house and so and then

i would get off of that job

at 3 p.m and go home or you

know whatever like i was

just in the grind i was

working so much and i just

felt like i didn't really

have a path or a purpose

but a friend of yours i

think or somebody that you

knew through mutual

acquaintance was talking

about hiring an au pair for

a family that lived in france and so

We talked about that,

and I got in touch with

that family and thought,

what a cool thing for me to do.

I don't have a plan right now.

I could move to France.

I could study French,

be a nanny for this family.

So I started getting the

paperwork together to do that.

And at that time in my life,

I wouldn't say that I was particularly

devout as far as church went,

but I knew that a big

decision like that was

something that I probably

should pray about because I

would be uprooting my whole

life and moving to another

country where I didn't

speak the language and I

didn't have a community.

I would pray about it

over the course of several weeks,

you know,

like whenever I would remember

to say my prayers at night,

I would just be like,

heavenly father,

please tell me if it's a

good idea for me to go to France,

you know,

like in my nightly prayers or whatever.

And I never received an

answer to those prayers.

And I remember feeling very

frustrated by that.

And it was like, you know,

like they asked for, you know,

I had to get a passport.

They had,

they asked for like my school

transcripts from my French class,

like all this stuff that I

had to get together for them.

And I was emailing back and forth and, um,

I just still was like kind

of on the fence about it.

You know,

I'm not really sure if I should go.

It seems like it would be really fun,

but I wanted that.

Yes,

I wanted that like that feeling that

everybody talked about at

church where like you just

know that it's the right

thing and whatever.

And I just never got that.

And so I remember being very

frustrated and I came home

one night super late from

some party or something,

and I was just feeling like,

I remember being really

angry at God and being like,

just tell me what the right

thing to do is.

I don't care what it is.

If I'm supposed to go to France,

I'll go to France.

If I'm not supposed to go to France,

please tell me that.

I just want to do what you want me to do,

is what I said in that prayer.

And then the following week

or the next day,

I can't remember exactly the timing of it,

this woman in our ward,

in our congregation,

texted me,

I guess you had given her my

number because she needed a babysitter.

And so that was how Amanda

entered my life.

I got to know Amanda.

She had four kids.

She needed

help with them because her

husband I think was deployed at the time.

Yeah.

So,

she hired me to babysit for her a

few times and we got to

know each other and she,

her family was like the

perfect Mormon family.

It was like they got married

in the temple.

Both her and her husband had

served missions.

They were raising these four

kids in the gospel, um,

They both came from very devout families.

So they had a lot of

extended family that were members.

And it was like the first

time in my life where I had

seen a family up close like that,

you know,

because when you're working as a

nanny for somebody,

you get to know their

family very intimately.

For better or for worse.

So I was, you know,

in their home every single day.

And I saw the gospel,

like this whole message

that the church teaches

working for a family.

And I was like, wow, this is amazing,

because growing up.

you know, dad wasn't active.

And so it always kind of

felt like our family was on

the outs of our church community.

And even though we attended

and we did all the right things,

dad didn't attend with us.

And that was a huge hole in

our whole thing.

So I was at Amanda's house all the time.

We got to talking a bunch

because Amanda's really

great at asking people

personal questions.

which I honestly, I love that about her.

She's very direct and very blunt.

And I remember her asking me one time,

like,

what are you doing with your life

right now?

Like, why aren't you in school?

Why aren't you, you know, like,

what are you doing?

And I was like, I don't know, you know,

and she and I had a lot of

similar interests and we

became really good friends.

And she was honestly kind of

like an older sister to me.

I think she was in her, like,

she was like a young 30

something at that time, you know, so.

she kind of pushed me and encouraged me

to like have some kind of plan.

And then one day I was at

her house and she was like,

why don't you go on a mission?

Like,

have you ever thought about going on

a mission?

And I was like, no, not really.

Because at that time in my life,

I wasn't considered worthy to go.

like I had, you know,

I had had premarital sex.

I was like dating, I was drinking.

I was like doing all the

things you're not supposed

to do as a young, you know,

church member.

And like those things would

have prevented me from

getting a temple recommend

and prevented me from being

worthy to go on a mission.

So I was like, even if I wanted to,

they wouldn't let me go.

I can't, you know?

And she was like, well,

And this story is so crazy to me now,

like hearing it,

hearing myself say it out loud.

She was like,

my dad called me the other

day and Amanda's dad is

very much like the

patriarch of their family.

He's like,

he presides over everybody spiritually.

He often gives-

Even the adult children,

I just want to point out

that all of his children are grown,

they're adults, they have their own lives,

but he was still very much

controlling everything that they did.

I wouldn't say controlling,

but he's like presiding over them.

Advising.

Yes.

All his kids.

I mean, I love Simon too.

All of his kids love him.

They all look to him for advice,

whether it's spiritual, financial.

I mean, like he's a great dad, you know?

And so she, she said, well,

my dad called me the other

day and told me that he had

a dream or some kind of, you know,

spiritual thing.

experience where he felt

like there is a young woman

in your ward that needs to

go on a mission.

I'm going to pay for her to

be your nanny so that she

can earn the money to go on a mission.

I don't know who it is.

I'm sure you know who this person is,

but as soon as you figure that out,

let me know.

Mom and I will pay her to be

your nanny full time so

that she can earn her money

for her mission.

And so Amanda told me this,

and I remember like very vividly,

I was sitting at a stool on

her kitchen counter.

And as soon as those words

came out of her mouth,

I just had this crazy,

like eye-opening spiritual

experience where I felt

like this is the answer to my prayer.

This is what God wants me to do.

He's created a way for me to

do it because also missions

are a huge financial commitment as well.

And I knew that I wouldn't

be able to pay for it.

Even if I did want to go or

even if they would let me go,

I wouldn't be able to pay for it either.

So it kind of just felt like

one of those moments where

all the puzzle pieces start

to fall into place.

I truly really deeply felt

like God is aware of me.

He's placed these people in

my life to help me do this.

This is what he wants me to do.

It felt very right to me.

I was bawling, crying.

I was just like so

overwhelmed by the spirit

and just had all these warm feelings.

Like that,

that feeling that I kept waiting for,

that was the feeling was like,

I need to go.

I have to go.

This is my confirmation from

God that this is what I'm

supposed to do with my life.

I remember you talking about

this at the time and I

remember thinking what a

blessing it was that you

had Amanda in your life and

that she was a good mentor

to you and how generous it

was of Simon to basically pay you back.

to be his daughter's nanny.

Looking back on it now, well,

the thing that always kind

of bothered me is that after the fact,

once you did go on your mission,

and even after you came home,

and then when you got

married and everything,

Amanda would always say, like, it was,

quote, Amanda saying,

I single-handedly got Emmy

on her mission.

Yes.

I remember her saying that she took,

she took all the credit for that,

which when you tell this story, yeah,

that that's a big deal, you know, for,

for all of those

circumstances to come

together so that you could do that.

And she,

she did mentor you through that

and she did suggest it.

And she was the, like the advocate of it.

But I always felt really

angry whenever she said that,

because I was like,

This is my daughter who I

raised and almost

single-handedly because dad

wasn't super involved, you know?

I would say single-handedly, yes.

You know, I'm the one who...

You know,

gave her a spiritual foundation

and nurtured her through

the gospel and all of that stuff.

And so but that I didn't get

any credit for that because

she was the one who got you

over the finish line.

You know, I guess so.

Yeah.

And I actually have talked

to her about that since

then and let her know that.

I was the one that got me on my mission.

I was the one that made the sacrifices.

I was the one that had to

pull my life together to be ready to go,

to be financially ready to go.

And Amanda did hold my hand

through a lot of those things.

She helped me get my papers in.

She helped me kind of figure

out my finances because I

didn't know anything about money.

I mean, like we didn't have any, you know,

so as soon as I would earn money,

I would spend it on

whatever it was I needed at the time.

And so she helped me figure

out a plan for saving the money.

I had to get my wisdom teeth removed.

I had to do all these things

spiritually to prepare or whatever.

And at that time you were

teaching full time and you

weren't super available to

help me with that stuff.

So,

and I was with Amanda for like 10 to 12

hours a day.

Like I wasn't just the nanny,

like nine to five.

Like I would get there right

before her kids,

like I would get her kids

ready for school.

I would take them to school,

come back to her house,

take care of the baby.

We would do all the meal

prep and all that stuff.

And I wasn't leaving her

house until like 10 p.m.

So I was there for really long days, um,

and they paid me well for

it and they were really great.

And I would never be anybody else's nanny.

I've quickly learned that our family,

their family just meshed well with me,

but I'm not a good nanny to other people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also I wasn't just teaching full time.

I was teaching choir full time.

And so I had before school

rehearsals and after school rehearsals.

And then on the weekends,

I was judging competitions.

And then we also had

concerts to prepare for and competitions.

And so it was like being a

teacher and then also

running a major club or a

sports program or something as well.

And you had five other kids.

Yes.

Exactly.

Yeah.

So and at the time, so this was 2015,

right?

14.

It was the spring of 2014.

Spring and summer.

And so at this time, Felicia,

my youngest was three years old.

And I remember taking her to

preschool and my little firebird,

I would put her car seat in

the back of my crappy car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So she was in preschool.

Lucas was in elementary school.

Rachel and Cassie were in

middle school and Connor

was in high school and you

had just graduated.

And Connor was having a lot

of problems in school and

with his friend group and

all of that stuff.

Yeah.

And he he ended up.

um graduating early moving

out early and so by this

time i think this might

have been the period of

time where connor didn't

talk to us for like 18

months i didn't even know

where he was living right

so pretty much the whole

time i was on my mission

Yeah, it was a really busy, crazy time.

And I also had recently gone

no contact with mom and dad,

my mom and dad.

Yes.

So Grammy and Papa to you.

So I didn't have a lot of

support outside anyway.

So this was a crazy time for our family.

Right.

And I felt like you going on

a mission was a huge blessing.

And this is also what

everybody in the ward told me, too.

And what my parents told me, too,

is that like me going on a

mission is going to bless

your life so much that it

was like people implied

that everything that's

tumultuous about your life

right now is going to be

fixed because your

daughter's on a mission.

I remember them telling me

those things too.

Your family will be blessed.

And this is a piece that we

haven't talked about yet,

but my patriarchal blessing,

which I don't really know

how to explain that to

somebody that's never been Mormon,

but it's basically like,

I don't even know how

patriarchs are appointed.

Is that by the state president?

I don't know.

So patriarchs are called and

it's like a lifelong calling.

Once you get called as a patriarch,

you're a patriarch until you die.

And I think they have to be

appointed by an area president.

I don't know for sure if that's the case.

But anyway,

the patriarch is in charge of

giving blessings to each of the, you know,

the young people.

And the idea is you're

supposed to get your

patriarchal blessing as

early in life as you can,

because it's supposed to be a guide for.

what you're going to do with

the rest of your life.

A lot of patriarchal

blessings talk about what

kind of a career that you'll have,

like in vague terms,

like it'll say something

like you're going to spend

your life helping people

with their health.

And then somebody will go

and get a nursing degree because of that,

you know?

Yes.

So it's sort of like a fortune.

It's sort of like a fortune.

it kind of is honestly and i

i can't remember exactly i

think i got my patriarchal

blessing maybe my senior

year of high school because

even though they want you

to get it as early as you

can they also want you to

be like spiritually

prepared to receive your

picture and worthy and you

know all that stuff so i

think i got it maybe my

junior senior year of high

school and usually they're

just like two or three

paragraphs long some of

them are very short maybe one paragraph

My patriarchal blessing was

four pages long.

Yeah.

It was extremely long.

I've never met anybody else

who has a blessing that long.

was it hassle that gave you yours?

Yes.

Yeah.

And one of the things,

one of the lines in my

patriarchal blessing was

your mission will introduce

you to foreign lands and places.

And at that time,

I was not planning on serving a mission.

So, again,

when I had this spiritual

experience with Amanda, I was like, oh,

this makes sense now.

I am going to go on a mission.

And I was convinced that I

was going to get called to, like,

Germany or, you know,

someplace foreign because

of my patriarchal blessing.

And there was also an

implication that dad would

come back to church if you

went on your mission.

Well, not dad specifically.

It was that...

I would be the example and I

would bring my family back

into the gospel.

It was, it was a lot of pressure.

I remember feeling a lot of pressure.

Like I'm the one,

I have to be the golden child.

I'm the one that has to go on a mission,

get married in the temple,

marry a worthy priesthood

holder that can preside

over my family because my

dad's not doing it, you know?

So I felt an extreme amount

of pressure and,

responsibility, I guess maybe pressure.

Yes.

But it was mostly responsibility.

Like I'm going to be the one

that's going to set the

example for my siblings

spiritually so that they

can have somebody to look to.

Like my family is going to

be the one where the gospel works,

you know, like, and,

and I remember all growing

up when they would talk

about like eternal families

and the gospel blesses families.

And like you mentioned, um,

feeling like well we're not

sealed together and feeling

that kind of on the outs i

was always told by like

priesthood leaders and

young women's leaders that

if that's not the case in

my family of origin that's

the family that i will get

to create for myself i will

get married in the temple i

will be sealed to my

children you know yeah so

that was like a big deal to

to work towards

And it's such a huge amount

of pressure for a young person.

And also you're the oldest sibling.

So there was already that

sort of birth order

pressure on you to be an example,

to be a hard worker,

to be the oldest kid,

I remember having

to tell you so often.

just go be a kid.

Because I think you felt

this responsibility towards

your siblings if they

weren't behaving or if they

weren't getting ready fast

enough or any of that,

you would always step in

and want to do that.

I appreciated your help so much.

But at the same time, I had to always

remind you like, I've got this, it's okay,

go take care of your own stuff,

I know that didn't

happen as often as it could

or should have if dad had

also helped out.

But you're

already the oldest child.

For better or for worse,

you were parentified,

not because I told you that

you had to be in charge of

kids because you felt that

pressure yourself.

Yes.

And now you're going on a mission.

your dad and your two

closest siblings have

already left the church and

you feel this huge pressure

to be the one to set the

spiritual example, because if you don't,

then they're not coming back to church.

Is that what you felt or?

Yeah.

I mean,

I think I've kind of felt like

maybe my example will bring

dad back to church, but it was mostly,

um,

for my siblings, I just wanted them,

because honestly, at that time,

I wanted everybody to feel

the way that I felt.

And I remember Tommy talking

about this when you

interviewed him as well.

Like when you're so

entrenched in the gospel

and you start feeling all

those good feelings and this, you know,

the gospel blesses families

and all that great stuff.

There really is this desire

to just share it with

people and just for them to

be as happy as you are and

to feel as much peace as

you feel and all that stuff.

And so I just remember like

looking at Connor and all

the problems that he was

going through and, um,

you know Cassie was still a

young teen like I think it

was maybe her freshman year

of high school or something

like that or yeah sophomore

year I can't remember but

I just remember feeling

like there's still time for

them like yeah yeah but

with dad it was kind of

like he's been a lost cause

since I can remember you

know and like maybe he'll

come back to church and

maybe my parents will get

sealed in the temple and

how wonderful would that be

but I never really felt like it was

my responsibility to fix like you and dad,

it was mostly,

it was mostly about being

an example to my siblings.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's so important.

So when you, you put your papers in,

we waited and then you got,

you got your mission call.

It came in the mail and you were at,

where were you at this point?

I was in Santa Barbara with

Amanda's family.

Okay.

So yeah, that's right.

For the time that I was

nannying for Amanda and I

did this both before and after my mission,

her family spends a really

good chunk of time in

Southern California every summer.

So I went with them to

Southern California and

because of all of the

worthiness stuff that I had to,

the hoops I had to jump

through in order to get a

temple recommend and all that stuff.

They told me that my papers

needed to be approved by

the first presidency, like personally.

So there's there are several levels.

If you want to go on a mission,

you first have to meet with

your local leader, who's your bishop.

Then you have to meet with

your stake president who

presides over several congregations.

So once you get through

those two interviews,

usually your papers will go

to the missionary

department in Salt Lake and

they will assign you a mission call,

a place to go.

But for the problem children

like me or like people that

have special circumstances or whatever,

you have to get special

approval from the prophet

and his two apostles from

the first presidency directly.

And so I was told, again,

because I had had

premarital sex and all these things.

Which is listed next to murder.

Yes.

And I had word of wisdom issues.

You know,

I was drinking and smoking pot

and whatever else.

They told me that it wasn't

enough for me to just get

approved by the missionary department.

I also had to go through the

first presidency.

And this is what my stake

president told me.

So when you put your papers in,

it's usually at that time

the mission calls were coming, you know,

between 10 days and two weeks.

And he said,

I'm not sure how long it's

going to take for your

papers to get approved.

You know, it could be days.

It could be months.

We don't know.

So I'll let you know when I hear anything.

So I went to California with

Amanda's family for several

weeks and my mission call

came during that time.

So I read it on my phone

over Zoom with everybody.

Usually in the Mormon church,

you would have like a big

party and people would come

over and everyone guesses

where you're going to go.

And it's like a big deal to

read your mission call in

front of all these people

that are supporting you.

But because I was out of

town and I wanted to know

where I was going,

I read my mission call as

soon as it came.

So did they send you an email?

Because I remember getting a

package in the mail and you

wanted me to hold it for you.

Because I wasn't allowed to

look at it before you read it,

anyway.

Now, if you're going on a mission now,

all the calls are digital.

They don't do like packets anymore.

But at that time,

I don't think that they were.

I don't think they were emailing.

They weren't emailing them out yet.

Because we did get a physical package.

Somebody took a picture of

it and sent it to me to read.

Yeah.

Whether it was a text or an email.

Yeah, it was familiar to me.

So I want to pause your

story just for a second.

Because.

I want people to know that

we've talked so much on my

channel about Visions of Glory,

the horrible,

harmful book that Laurie

used for her Bible, basically.

And it was written by Tom Harrison,

who was Spencer in the book.

Those were his experiences,

his near-death experiences,

quote unquote.

He is one of the people or

he's in charge of the

people or he is the person

that evaluates missionary

packets to determine

whether the missionary in

your circumstance is

mentally fit to serve a mission.

Interesting.

So the man who wrote that horrible,

harmful book is the one in

Salt Lake who would have

received your mission

packet and reviewed the

materials because he is a

licensed mental health

professional and he works for the church.

And so he would have

reviewed your materials and

made a determination

whether or not you were

mentally well enough to go

on your mission.

Hmm.

Interesting.

I didn't know.

I don't know if he was the

exact guy at the exact time that you went,

but that is one of the

things he does right now.

And I think it's kind of

scary to think about.

So anyway,

so you received your mission call.

We read it.

You read it over Zoom and

tell us how you felt about that.

Well,

it came a lot sooner than we were

planning than we thought it would come.

Yeah.

And which I took as a sign, you know,

like I'm supposed to go.

This is the time that I'm supposed to go.

Obviously,

the Lord has a plan and he's

preparing the people where

I'm supposed to be or whatever.

So the call came very soon

and I read it and it said Santa Rosa,

California.

And I was at the time in Santa Barbara.

So I was thinking, where is that?

Like, where is Santa Rosa?

I've never heard of Santa Rosa before.

It's north of the San Francisco Bay.

And that mission includes Marin County,

which is like Sausalito, Tiburon,

all of that stuff that's

north of the Golden Gate

Bridge where the wealthy 1% live.

all the way up to the oregon

coast and it's like if you

cut california in half

lengthwise it's everything

on the west coastal side

and then as far east as

davis which i didn't know

where any of those places

were at the time but

actually now i live here i

live in the sacramento area

um so it's weird to be back

but that was where my

mission call was to

sacramento or no to santa rosa

And I think at this time it

was either late July or early August.

And they asked me to report

September 14th to the MTC in Provo.

To the MTC in Provo.

Yeah.

So I felt like I had very

little time to prepare,

but I was going stateside,

which was bewildering to me

because I thought that I

was supposed to go to a

foreign land or place.

And I was English speaking.

So sometimes they'll call

you to a mission like that.

within the United States,

but they'll ask you to

learn Spanish or they'll

ask you to learn.

In my mission,

we also had Hmong

missionaries who learned Hmong, but, um,

yeah, I was English speaking,

California missionary.

Yeah.

So I remember, you know, we,

we had just a few months to

get you ready and get you

out there and they,

they give you a whole

packet of things that

you're supposed to bring

with you and prepare

scriptures that

you need to bring with you

and what not to bring.

And we had to go and buy all

of the clothes that you

were going to wear

basically for your entire

18-month mission.

And it was specific about

skirt length and all of

those kinds of things.

And so there was a lot of

shopping to do and we had

to buy you bedding.

You needed a coat like you

had never been in cold

weather for an extended period of time.

So I just remember having to

prepare all of that stuff with you.

And it was overwhelming

because of the timing,

but also financially, you know.

And so we were basically.

I mean,

my teaching income was was the main

source of income for our family.

And dad's business made less

than than I did as a teacher.

So we didn't have extra

money for all of these things.

And we were really fortunate

that a lot of family

members stepped up and paid

for a lot of things for you

and were very generous with you.

And then we gathered everything,

and we packed up the car,

and I drove you up to Provo,

where my sister was living.

So we drove up there together,

and we spent some time with

my sister and my family up

there before you went into the MTC.

And I remember that being a

very horrible week.

Yeah, it was the worst.

It was so bad.

When you leave to go into the MTC,

you get set apart as a missionary.

So they lay their hands on your head.

They give you a special blessing.

This is your calling.

This is what you've been chosen to do,

blah, blah, blah, whatever.

You get set apart at home.

Yes, at home.

And then you go directly to the MTC.

But because we had...

a gap of a week in there

where we were going to be

at Libby's house.

They set me apart and then we left,

but we still had a whole week.

And during that week,

I still had to adhere to

all the missionary rules,

which includes having a companion.

So my mom was my companion.

She had to be within sight

and sound of me at all times.

they ask you to dress as a missionary

as well,

but I didn't have tags or anything yet.

So, you know,

I didn't like dress in my

missionary clothes, my skirts and stuff,

but they ask you to like

keep the missionary schedule,

which is getting up at six

30 in the morning,

an hour of personal study,

an hour of companion study.

Um, so yeah, that was horrible.

And also I was kind of

casually dating somebody still,

and he was in Provo and, um,

mom hated him she was like

absolutely not you can't

see him like you can't be

alone with a boy you know

um i don't think contention

yeah it was a source of

contention and it wasn't

that i hated him it's that

the circumstances of that

relationship were not good

and i didn't feel like it

was a positive situation

for you i think he was 24

or so and had already been divorced once

Yes, so he was attending BYU.

He came home from his

mission and got married

pretty much immediately.

That marriage did not work

out and he got divorced.

And I think he was like, yeah, 23 or 24.

So mom didn't love that.

I did not love that for you.

And also, you know,

it's not that I disliked him as a person,

but personality wise,

I felt like he was not

really a match for you.

And I just was so unsettled

about how that was all going to work out.

And I think at the time,

the plan was that you guys

were going to continue to

communicate while you were

on your mission.

Yes.