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Transitions - Making Sense of Life's Changes
Episode 14718th July 2023 • Boomer Banter, Real Talk about Aging Well • Wendy Green
00:00:00 00:35:46

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On this episode of Hey, Boomer!, host Wendy Green explores the theme of transitions and how to make sense of life's changes.

She starts with a story about Ken Olsen, the founder of Digital Equipment Corporation and the Ending of that company and how it impacted her.

Wendy delves into the concept of the Neutral Zone or Messy Middle, a period of reflection and questioning that often arises during transitions. She shares her own experience of being forced into a job ending due to the pandemic and utilizing the Neutral Zone to reflect and ask important questions.

She encourages listeners to take time for self-reflection and explore meaningful answers to questions about how they want to feel going forward, what is important to them, how they can make an impact, and what they are good at.

In a surprising twist, Wendy finds herself in a transitional period as well. After traveling and having time for self-reflection, she is considering how she might transform and broaden her work with Hey, Boomer!

She introduces the powerful life review exercise mentioned in Bruce Feeler's book "Life Is In the Transitions" and encourages listeners to download the life vitality assessment from her website to assess their feelings and validate their experiences.

Throughout the episode, Wendy shares personal anecdotes and lessons from her own life's transitions, emphasizing that change is constant and that each person's transition journey is individual.

Episode Takeaways:

  1. Don't be in a hurry. Give yourself permission to take your time through a change.
  2. Fear stops us from seeing possibilities.
  3. We always have a choice, even if the choice is not to choose.
  4. Asking for help is courageous.

Subscribe on Apple PodcastSpotify or your favorite podcast player

Follow us on Facebook, LinkedIn and Instagram

Email me with questions or comments at wendy@heyboomer.biz

Download the Vitality assessment from the Hey, Boomer home page.

Visit Road Scholar to plan your next trip.

Wendy Green is a Certified Life Coach, working with people going through the

sometimes uncomfortable life transition from full-time work to “what’s next.”

Find out more about Wendy’s 6-week “What’s Next Transition” Coaching workshop

Mentioned in this episode:

Annie's Kit Clubs

Get 50% off your first order at annieskitclubs.com. Enter promo code BOOMER

EZ Melts vitamins

try.ezmelts.com/heyboomer to get 3 months free of vitamin D3 with your first order.

Transcripts

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Hello, and welcome to hey, Boomer. So

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good to be back with you after my travels.

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Hey Boomer is the show for those of us who believe that we

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are never too old to set another goal or dream a new

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dream. My name is Wendy green, and I am your

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host with hey, boomer.

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I sat down the other night in preparation for this

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episode to write about the changes and the

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transitions that I have been through. It seemed like a good

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exercise being that this episode is about transitions

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and that I am a transitions coach. So I thought a

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timeline would make sense as a way to track this and

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I decided to start from high school graduation which was in

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1971.

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Suddenly the page was full.

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Since 1971 I have been through at

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least 37 different changes.

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That means that I have moved to different homes

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or different states. There was the

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birth of my two children, marriage and divorce.

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Going back to school at the age of 28 as a

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single mother starting new job,

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being downsized or leaving jobs,

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starting a kids art business becoming a

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certified change leader in 2000,

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becoming credentialed as a professional coach in too thousand and

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13 and as a podcast host in

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2020. It would be trite

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to say that these transitions were easy or

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painless because at the time many

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of these transitions were messy and uncomfortable.

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Some of the transitions I have been through were powerful and motivating,

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some were exhausting and depleting,

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some I moved through quickly and others it was like

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moving at a glacial pace.

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I did think by the time I was almost 70,

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which will be in four weeks, I would have worked

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everything out and there would be no more transitions to go

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through. Wrong. Change

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is something we can always count on, whether

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it is thrust upon us or something self

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initiated. At least now

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when I am in the midst of the

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uncomfortableness of a transitions,

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I know a few things. I know that the

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uncomfortable feelings that I'm going through will lead to

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some inner growth. I know that

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things will not be uncomfortable forever.

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I know that taking time to be still to

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reflect on the questions will help me to find the

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answers and I know it will take

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as long as it takes. In

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today's episode, I want too share with you what I have learned about

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transitions, the messy and uncomfortable

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journey to new beginnings.

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But before we get into this, as many

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of you know, my grandson and I just returned from

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amazing grandparent grandchild trip aboard the

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Windjammer sailing ship the Angelique.

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This was a road scholar grandparent grandchild

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trip and we sailed around the coast of Maine,

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stopping at different islands, even had a lobster bake on

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an island. The kids learned so much about

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sailing and not tying and the

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animals in the water and the fish in the water

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and the crustaceans. We had a

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couple of kind of rainy, cloudy, cool

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days. And then we had a couple of absolutely magnificent

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sailing days. And in spite of all of that, the

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educators on the trip kept those kids

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entertained and they learned a

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lot. Every trip that I have ever made

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with Rhodes Scholar has been so well organized and

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so educational. They are the not for

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profit leader in educational travel for boomers

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and beyond and for grandparents and

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grandchildren. So if you think you might have a trip in

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your future, take a

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look@rhodescholar.org

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boomer. And please use the boomer because it

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lets them know that you heard about it here.

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Also, as we're talking about transitions, I

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wanted to encourage you to download the life

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vitality assessment from my website.

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We all want to stay vital as we age.

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This assessment will give you some insight and

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validate how you are feeling. Now.

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Hopefully you're feeling fully vitalized. But

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does the quality and meaning of your life, is

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it giving you enough sustained energy to do the things you want to

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do? Or possibly you're feeling half empty, and

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so it's a little bit difficult to find the energy

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to do the things you do you want to do? Or

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is it time to take stock and to really look at your

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life and think about what you need to let go of what you might want

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to add to get back that feeling of vitality?

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So download the assessment, the vitality assessment from the

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Boomer Biz home page, and then

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I'm available to talk, right? So if you would like to

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chat and schedule some time, I'm setting aside

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time on Thursdays, and you can use my

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calendar link to schedule some time. I will be

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putting this link in the show notes, and I look forward

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to talking to you because I like to know that you are there

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and I am here for you. All

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right, so let's get into the

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episode. I want to start

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this episode with a story about a man named

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Ken Olsen. Ken was the founder of

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Digital Equipment inspiration, or Dec as I knew

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it, and maybe some of you even remember that

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company. At its peak in the late eighty s,

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it grew to over 120,000 employees

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with operations in 95 countries.

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And as a technology company, it was surpassed

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only in size by IBM.

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Dec was an engineers company.

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Hey hired really smart people and then they turned

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them loose to create products and solutions.

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I worked for Dec during the heydays. I worked with

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customers to support them and train them on the

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products that were created by those really smart

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engineers. We all felt

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empowered, respected, and we were given so many

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opportunities to learn and advance.

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The problems began when Ken

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Olsen came to believe that the personal computer

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would never survive as a product.

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He could not envision people having a personal

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computer on their desktops. And in

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1992, the board forced him to resign.

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Six years later, compaq purchased Deck for

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$9.6 billion. I watched

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the company downsize and sell off parts of the

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organization after Mr. Olsen was forced out.

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And in 1995, the downsizing hit me

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at our stage of life. Change comes in many

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forms. It could be the loss of a job through a layoff

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or retirement. It could be the loss of a

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spouse, sibling, or parent. It might

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be the loss of some of our physical abilities.

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Maybe you've moved from your longtime family home

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into a retirement community. In the

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vernacular of transitions, coined by William

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Bridges in his foundational book by the same name,

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we are facing an ending.

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And what happens when we are faced with an endings,

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be it a change we choose or a change that is forced upon

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us? Well, many of us experience

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anxiety. It can affect our ability to

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sleep. It can affect our health. It can

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affect our self confidence and our self image.

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We might feel isolation or loneliness.

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Often, when we're going through this kind of transition,

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we'll feel a lack of interest in things that we

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used to be interested in. We call this depression. But

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sometimes there is a spiritual questioning, a

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renewed interest in the meaning of our lives.

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Losing my job with Deck as a single parent, with one child in

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college and the other about to start college, it was

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a very frightening ending for me.

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I was at the height of my career. I had started the

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US. Expertise center for a product we were creating. I

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was traveling around the world. Suddenly,

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I was let go, and I felt like I was on a

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chasm, looking into a void of the

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unknown. I experienced the anxiety,

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the stress, the sleeplessness. And because of all the

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responsibilities I had with my children in college

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or going to college, I immediately started to look for my next

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job. And fortunately, I was able to land a

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job in Maryland. And right after my son graduated from high

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school in Georgia, we relocated.

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Pretty major change. However, what

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I learned is that change does not

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constitute a transition. We

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react to change to move through

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the uncomfortableness as quickly as

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possible. A transition is more

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intentional and reflective.

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Change is what happens externally. We change

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jobs. We move into retirement. We move to

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a new community or a new home. We

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become parents or grandparents. Those are external

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changes. Transition is what happens

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internally. Taking the time to process

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how that change is affecting you internally

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will have a profound impact on how

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successfully you manage the change.

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At the time I moved to Maryland, I did not transitions. I

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changed. I changed location and job, but I

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did not take the time to reflect on what I could learn from the

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experience. I reacted in order to keep the money

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flowing. I mentioned the

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book Transitions by William Bridges. In this

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book, he talks about three stages we go through in

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transitions. There is now a new book out

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by Bruce Feeler called Life is in the

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Transitions that defines very similar

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stages, but takes a somewhat different approach to

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transitions. William Bridges calls the

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first stage endings. As I mentioned, Bruce Feeler

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refers to it as the Long Goodbye

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because there is often grief from loss associated

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with this stage. Even if you wanted the endings to happen.

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Let's talk about the endings of a full time job. For instance,

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most recently, I lost my job due to the

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pandemic. Understandably, I felt a

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sense of loss, a loss of control over the timing. For

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sure. If you have planned for your

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retirement, you may have the big going away party and you

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wake up the following Monday with no office to go to.

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And at first it feels great. But

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over time you recognize that you've had

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a loss of routine, probably a loss of some of the

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friendships you had at work, the loss of structure,

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what you're going to do during those 810 twelve work

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hour days, and the loss of a paycheck.

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And this is where many of us get stuck,

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just like I did when I lost my job at Deck. We

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immediately look for something to replace the discomfort we are

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feeling. By not taking the time to reflect,

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we miss the opportunity for some tremendous

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growth. And this is where the next stage comes in.

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William Bridges calls this stage the neutral

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zone. Feiler refers to it as the messy

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middle. I kind of like that.

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Ideally, it is a time of introspection.

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You are questioning what's worked for you. Maybe you're

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trying on new ideas and new habits

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that can be very uncomfortable,

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because it could be a time of

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reinvention. The time in the neutral

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Zone or the messy middle can be short, or it

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may take months, but it should not be

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rushed. There is a richness in

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being in the wilderness and giving yourself the time to

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explore the new thoughts and opportunities that are

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showing up. When I was forced into the

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ending of my job because of the pandemic, I did

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take some time in the Neutral zone or the messy middle

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because of my training. I knew some things to ask myself.

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I asked how did I want to feel going forward?

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What was important to me? How

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could I make an impact? And what was I

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good at? And I enjoy doing

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those questions led me to this

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reinvention. I did not even know how to take

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a podcast or become a podcast host. But I

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felt that I had something to offer to my fellow Boomers. And

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I felt that new was the time to try something new

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and Hay Boomer was born. That was my new

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beginning as both Bridges and Feeler call it

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giving myself time in the Neutral zone and the

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messy middle to explore what was important to

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me, what would give me meaning, led me to

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this new beginning. When

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I started working on this episode I thought I would share with you

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some of the things I talk about with my clients.

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I did not see myself in a transitional

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time. But guess what?

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Life is funny like that. When you think you

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are coasting along, questions arise.

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As some of you know, I have done a lot of traveling so far this

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summer and I have one more trip coming up to a podcasting

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conference in August. Travel takes us out of

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our day too day, and particularly on the

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windjammer cruise that I just finished, there was time

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to sit with myself, relax

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and think and the

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thoughts revolved about how I was going to transform

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the work I am doing into something that provides me with an

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income. So the questions I was asking

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this time new are do I want to focus on building

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my coaching practice? Do I want to focus on becoming a

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paid speaker? Do I want to create an online

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course? Should I turn some of my content into a

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book? Each one of these things will take

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time and effort and I am questioning where to

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put that time and effort. I also

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know that at this stage in my life it's important

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for me to have time for my friends and family and

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for the causes that are important to me.

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So I am definitely in the messy middle of a

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transition right now and I telling

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you, it's a little uncomfortable but it won't last

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forever. I have worked with

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many people who come to me because of some change they

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are facing that feeling of being uncomfortable in that messy

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middle or the neutral zone. Hey come. Because they are feeling

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stuck, anxious and

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unable too see possibilities.

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Many of them deny their intuition of what they

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might really want caving to the

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messages of fear and conformity those

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shoulds we should be doing this. It may

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seem that just moving on, giving in,

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following those shoulds quieting those fear, could overcome the

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feeling of being out of control.

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But as I coach my clients and myself,

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I try to provide us with space to feel those

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scary feelings and to use some of the

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tools to clear the fear and approach

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solutions and possibilities from a calmer mindset.

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One of the most powerful exercises that we do in the

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coaching program is called a life review and Bruce

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Feeler's book Life Is In the Transitions uses this

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technique. In this exercise

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we separate our lives into chapters and you write

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down the high points at different stages and

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what did those high points mean to you? How did

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they influence your beliefs and your

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attitudes? And then you go back and you think

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about the low points in your life in

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the different stages and how did they influence your

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beliefs and your attitudes? And then

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you look through the whole thing and you say what were the themes in

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that story? What have I learned over my

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lifetime? And then

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you look back and say, what have you leave behind that you used to really

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love doing? And how might you bring some of those

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things into the present day?

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The Life Review gives people time in the neutral

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zone or the messy middle to reflect, to consider

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possibilities. It's a time to try

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out new ideas and that

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these ideas may lead to a new sense of vitality,

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a new beginning where you start to feel

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it's possible once again to take the time to be

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open and explore. I

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wanted to share with you some of the mistakes I have made, and then I've

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seen clients make as they find themselves in

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this time of transition or change. And I'm going to give you a

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few suggestions also about how to avoid some of these

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mistakes. First of

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all, there is impatience. You know, it is very

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unsettling not to know what is next

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or where our next opportunity will come from.

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We feel a sense of urgency to fix the problem, and

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we want the fix now.

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Staying busy feels good for the moment, but it can also create

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a situation where our fear and desperation may lead

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to another bad opportunity

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future retirement. Simply rush out and buy toys,

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motorhomes or a second home, new golf clubs, vacations,

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and they likely find themselves with a lot of unused

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new toys and a feeling of boredom and little

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passion for life. I encourage

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my clients to give themselves some time to explore what they

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would like to do, what they would like their new

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opportunity to be at this life stage.

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This is important when you are looking for another job or

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trying to figure out what retirement will look like.

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Don't be in a hurry. Give yourself

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permission to slow down and really consider

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your options. This is your future,

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and you can create it the way you want it to be.

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After consideration, if golf clubs and vacation homes are

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what you want, you will be more likely to be happy with

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that choice than if you immediately made

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those purchases to satisfy what you thought might be a

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want. As I am in the midst

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of figuring out what I want to do next, I am very aware

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of getting caught in staying busy to avoid

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facing some of the more challenging questions.

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Being impatient or acting too soon does not fix the

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discomfort, it just delays it. It will come back.

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So I have to remind myself, step away from the

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computer, Wendy. Face some of these questions. Figure some

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of this out. Try new possibilities. Okay. Number

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two giving into fear.

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Change can generate a lot of discomfort, as we've talked

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about. We call it the fear of the unknown.

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Giving into the fear stops us from

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seeing the possibilities, the opportunities, and it

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stops us from trying new things. I want to

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tell you a story that really helped me understand how to step

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in in spite of the fear. This

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story takes place in the Cayman Islands. I was

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down there for a scuba diving trip and some of the

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scuba diving we had already done had been just amazing. Beautiful,

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beautiful fish, beautiful reefs, not too

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deep. On this particular trip,

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we'd gone out on the dive boat and there was no land that you could

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see. In my point of view, we were in the middle of the

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ocean and we all got off the

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boat, followed the dive master and started to descend.

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And then I saw it looked like she was going into

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a cave. And I was filled with

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fear. The last place I wanted to be

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in the middle of the ocean was in a cave

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because if I suddenly needed to surface, I

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couldn't. So I was very scared.

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And I also realized I was in the

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middle of the ocean. I had to follow because

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if I surfaced and the boat wasn't there, I was out

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there by myself. So I

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held back until everybody in the dive

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excursion had entered into this cave.

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And then with much trepidation,

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I proceeded to follow.

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It wasn't long before I

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got into what looked like the cave that I

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realized it was a tunnel. There was

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light at the other end and everybody that had

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gone into this seemingly cave, which was a

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tunnel, had already come out the other end.

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And I learned that I could face my fear

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and that there would be light at the end of the

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tunnel when you look for it.

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Big lesson. So

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that leads me into tunnel vision.

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Tunnel vision is number three and that occurs when you try

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to focus on the one thing. All I thought I

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saw was a cave. It was not a

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cave, it was a tunnel. And when you get fixated on

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just one solution or one idea,

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you miss all the other possibilities that may be

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outside of your field of vision.

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For instance, I had a client who was the sales

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and marketing director for a small aviation company. However,

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the owner was not sharing information with him

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and it seemed like the investors were starting to become

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uncomfortable with their investment in the firm.

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When we started talking about this, the only

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option he saw was to push harder for more

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communication, more access to clients, more heads down,

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more hard work. As he was able to

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see that there might be other options

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outside of the company he was working for, as well as inside,

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he was able to think about more choices.

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We always have choices,

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even if the choice is not to make a choice.

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I encourage my clients to broaden their lens,

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to imagine that there are other possibilities

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and to name what some of them might be. When

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that happens, it is like they suddenly

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see sunlight, like they are coming out of the

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dark in the tunnel. And amazing new opportunities

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and possibilities begin showing up in their lives.

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As I mentioned before, I have four opportunities that seem worth

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exploring for what I'm going to do next. Maybe there

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are more, or maybe a combination of two or three of these

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will become the way to go. The ultimate question will

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be, which of these opportunities will give my life

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meaning and bring me some of the income I

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desire?

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Number four is the analysis paralysis. Once

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people begin seeing possibilities, they may actually

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become the victim of analysis paralysis.

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This is actually another way of giving into fear. We get

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so involved with the Internet now

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and Google, and we start researching, researching, researching. We just need to know

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one more thing, one more detail before we can make that decision.

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And it's the fear of making the wrong decision.

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And it can stop us from moving forward because

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we just don't know which option to try. We just feel like we don't have

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enough information. If you're

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the type of person who likes too talk things over, you will also be

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getting lots of different opinions and advice from

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people that you talk to. And if this happens,

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I would encourage you to make a list of the top

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three, maybe five things

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possibilities in the order that excite you.

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Then, starting with the first one, ask yourself,

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what do I have to do to make this possibility

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a reality? And then

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start doing it. Take

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some action. It does not mean that

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you are stuck with that option, but you will feel more

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empowered once you start to move. Look at it as a

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science experiment. Test the possible solution.

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If it's not the right solution for you, move on to the next

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possibility in your list.

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And finally, many of us find

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that we hold ourselves back with our

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idea that I'm very independent. I don't need to ask

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for help. I have to go this alone.

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And so people that have just lost jobs, suddenly they're on the job

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board search. They're not going out of their house to

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network. They don't boomer anyone because they don't want to

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be a burden. We are humans, and we need

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people. We are designed that way. Asking

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for support or help takes courage.

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Receiving or help or support in difficult times can

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nourish you. I decided

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to be open about the current transition I'm going through

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because I feel your support. Being

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part of this hey boomer community is powerful, and I

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appreciate the feedback I get from you. I am

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here for you, and I know you are there for me.

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Transitions can be a time of tremendous personal growth

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and a time of learning. I want to

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share with you a quote from Eric Roth, who

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wrote the screenplay for The Curious Case of Benjamin

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Buttons. Remember that show?

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It goes like this for what it's

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worth, it's never too late

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to be whoever you want to be.

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There's no time limit. Stop whenever you

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want. You can change or stay the

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same there are no rules too. This thing,

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you can make the best or worst of it. I hope

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you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that

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startle you. I hope you feel things that you never

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felt before. I hope you meet people with a

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different point of view. I hope you

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live a life you're proud of.

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If you find that you're not, I hope you have the courage

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to start over again.

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So thanks for tuning in today and letting me share with you.

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I hope this was useful and meaningful.

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Be sure to download the vitality assessment

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from the Boomer Biz web page.

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And when you are considering travel, check out

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roadscholar.org.

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Boomer.

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Our guest for next week is going to be Dr. David

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Bernstein. He is a retired physician and

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gerontologist. He's going to talk to us about

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living a long, healthy and

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fulfilling life, something I think we all aspire

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to. And I'd like to leave you with

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the belief that we can all live with curiosity,

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live with relevance and live with courage. And

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remember that we are never too old to set another

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goal or dream a new dream.

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My name is Wendy Green and this has been in hey,

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