Artwork for podcast Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them
Ditch Goal Guilt & 4 Ways to Set Goals with Grace // with Carmelita Tiu
Episode 4511th November 2022 • Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them • Carmelita Tiu
00:00:00 00:19:35

Share Episode

Shownotes

Do you find yourself beating yourself up when you don't reach a goal...even if you have very good reasons for not attaining it? Are you saddled with "shoulds" and little perfectionist gremlin voices that make you feel like a failure whenever a goal isn't met?

In this episode, host Carmelita Tiu talks about how to cut through the negative self-talk and guilt by asking a key question -- "Am I living in alignment with my values?"

She also covers 4 alternatives to traditional "goals" -- perfect for times in your life when you need flexibility and a SMART goal feels too rigid:

  • setting intentions
  • "holding space"
  • anti-goals
  • no goals at all

***Check out the new website! Visit www.knowberaisethem.com***


Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them

New episodes drop every week (and sometimes in between). Subscribe here: Apple, Spotify, Google

Leave a 5-star review by clicking here, tap the white rectangle that says “Listen on Apple Podcasts”, scroll down till you see Ratings & Reviews, then tap 5 stars or  “Write a Review”.  You’ll forever have good karma and my gratitude!

For more doses of information and inspiration:

Want to support?  Buy me a coffee - help keep me caffeinated through the interviews, promotion, admin and late-night editing (coffee a must)!

Transcripts

Speaker:

Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Welcome to know them.

Speaker:

Be them, raise them a show to help moms stay informed and inspired so

Speaker:

they can show up for themselves and their daughters the way they want to.

Speaker:

I'm your host Carmelita to join me each week as I cover a variety of topics,

Speaker:

all designed to support mindful.

Speaker:

And growth-oriented moms of girls, especially girls in their

Speaker:

crucial tween and teen years.

Speaker:

And welcome to the first episode of season two.

Speaker:

As many of, you know, I took some time off to reassess and somehow my few

Speaker:

weeks became a three ish month hiatus.

Speaker:

And while that length was unintentional, it was also much needed.

Speaker:

And felt like the right thing in retrospect.

Speaker:

And that's actually the topic I chose to kick off the season with the idea

Speaker:

of goals, the guilt that can come when you don't achieve them, and how to

Speaker:

redefine them when there are lots of variables in your life that affect

Speaker:

your ability to accomplish these goals.

Speaker:

In these instances, sticking to a bright line goal can become problematic and maybe

Speaker:

feeds into toxic productivity culture.

Speaker:

Especially if the only way to achieve that goal.

Speaker:

Is at the expense of other things you value more like your

Speaker:

family connections, your physical health or your mental health.

Speaker:

But before I dive deeper into that.

Speaker:

I wanted to share a few exciting updates.

Speaker:

First, no them be them.

Speaker:

Raise them ranked in the top 5% of podcasts, according to listen notes,

Speaker:

which is a podcast data aggregator.

Speaker:

Of course, the statistic is nice.

Speaker:

But what's really meaningful is knowing that these chats, these

Speaker:

conversations and, uh, my time that I get to spend with these amazing guests.

Speaker:

Is being heard.

Speaker:

I love the idea of parenting with intention.

Speaker:

And evolving into better versions of ourselves and showing up as the type

Speaker:

of person you are proud of, as well as the kind of person you would feel

Speaker:

comfortable, your kids becoming someday.

Speaker:

I sometimes like to think of it as being this person that my

Speaker:

grandkids or great-grandkids would be proud to call their ancestor.

Speaker:

Also I launched a new podcast Check it out@nobyraisedthem.com.

Speaker:

I finally have transcripts available, you can also easily shoot me an email.

Speaker:

If you have topic requests or feedback.

Speaker:

And there's even a search function.

Speaker:

If you want to find keywords about specific topics, for instance, you

Speaker:

can type in confidence and it'll pull up any episode with that word in it.

Speaker:

So you can dive into the areas that you're most interested in with relative ease.

Speaker:

You can even leave me a voicemail message by clicking on a microphone

Speaker:

icon in the corner of the screen.

Speaker:

And yeah, it's kind of cool it, test it out.

Speaker:

I would love to hear what you think.

Speaker:

And speaking of feedback, I got a couple of direct messages from

Speaker:

listeners that talked about the show and how it impacted them.

Speaker:

One said yesterday was all about helping my daughter navigate her first heartbreak.

Speaker:

I felt like I had a lot of tools from listening to all your podcasts.

Speaker:

Another said.

Speaker:

I love your show.

Speaker:

It makes me feel sane knowing that someone else is thinking about topics like this.

Speaker:

Thanks to all of you who DMD or left reviews, they really do mean a lot.

Speaker:

And one last development I want to share.

Speaker:

During the break.

Speaker:

I ticked off a goal that's been in my heart for, well over a decade,

Speaker:

maybe even, maybe even two decades.

Speaker:

I became a certified coach through Lumia and ICF accredited coaching program.

Speaker:

And I've been enjoying what I'm learning so much that I'm continuing

Speaker:

on to pursue my ICF ACC accreditation through their signature program.

Speaker:

And who knows what's next after that, I've just been floored by the

Speaker:

knowledge I've gained and the skills that I've And I'm ideating ways to

Speaker:

build out communities and containers to support the people and values.

Speaker:

I believe in.

Speaker:

Which I think will include a mastermind for moms or some sort of moms group,

Speaker:

which I think I've referenced before.

Speaker:

More on this tecum, it's still a work in progress.

Speaker:

But please do feel free to reach out to me to connect if you're interested.

Speaker:

Leave me an email or sign up for my newsletter or my email list.

Speaker:

I'd be happy to share my thoughts and answer any questions about

Speaker:

coaching, future programming.

Speaker:

Et cetera.

Speaker:

So for this episode . I felt compelled to touch on goal setting.

Speaker:

As I really struggled with this over the past few months.

Speaker:

As I mentioned earlier, I set a goal for myself a few months

Speaker:

ago to launch season two.

Speaker:

After a month long break.

Speaker:

And then that month turned into two months and then three months.

Speaker:

And a part of me as the time stretched on could not help, but see this as a failure.

Speaker:

After all I had set this goal and it was a smart goal, which for those of you who've

Speaker:

been in the corporate world, you know that it's an acronym for specific measurable,

Speaker:

achievable, relevant, and time-bound.

Speaker:

And I didn't accomplish it.

Speaker:

But only looking at those two data points, basically the goal I set

Speaker:

and not accomplishing it as I had initially set out to do, leaves

Speaker:

out a huge part of the big picture.

Speaker:

It made me think of.

Speaker:

When you Google maps, something in advance and it gives you a time estimate.

Speaker:

And that's what you carry with you to inform when you're going to leave

Speaker:

for an event or to pick up your kids.

Speaker:

But then when you actually hit the road, You can't find your keys.

Speaker:

You spill your coffee when you go to grab your travel mug.

Speaker:

And then of course there's an accident creating a traffic

Speaker:

jam and all sorts of delays.

Speaker:

That's kind of what I feel like the last several months have been.

Speaker:

In my case, I found out that my husband's cancer came back.

Speaker:

Thankfully it's being managed and we are blessed to have

Speaker:

access to the care that he needs.

Speaker:

But it's still through both of us for an emotional loop.

Speaker:

As we processed his return to treatments.

Speaker:

And wrapped our heads around what this means and how, if in any way, this was

Speaker:

going to change how we approach things.

Speaker:

And then my kids signed up for several new activities, which of course have different

Speaker:

locations and staggered start times.

Speaker:

Which has any parent knows, can be maddening is so much to keep track of.

Speaker:

My kids also struggled with various ups and downs, some more serious than others,

Speaker:

but all of which take up energy and space.

Speaker:

of course, this is all against the backdrop of life.

Speaker:

Work, trying to stay physically active, stay on top of finances,

Speaker:

have some semblance of a social life, stay connected with friends and

Speaker:

family, volunteering, spirituality, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

Speaker:

So, despite all that was going on.

Speaker:

I initially found myself.

Speaker:

Beating myself up for not meeting my podcast goal.

Speaker:

I'm guessing lots of high achieving women out there.

Speaker:

Might have this knee jerk reaction to this little voice that kind of wonders.

Speaker:

Why can't I hustle harder?

Speaker:

Why can't I seem to find the time.

Speaker:

What did I do wrong?

Speaker:

That made it.

Speaker:

So I didn't, or I can't accomplish what I set out to do.

Speaker:

And I just, I just got stuck.

Speaker:

It took a little while to take the time to understand what was going on.

Speaker:

And frankly, I had some great coaching sessions that helped me

Speaker:

get to a place of understanding.

Speaker:

I took a step back to just notice.

Speaker:

And a few themes, stood out.

Speaker:

First.

Speaker:

I was giving myself the space I needed to mentally and emotionally

Speaker:

process, a lot of stuff.

Speaker:

And I didn't use to do that.

Speaker:

I would push my feelings aside and distract myself with busy-ness.

Speaker:

But eventually I discovered that didn't serve me well in the long run.

Speaker:

And over the past several years.

Speaker:

I've become better at giving myself space to sit with those feelings

Speaker:

and let myself work through them.

Speaker:

Instead of pretending they don't exist.

Speaker:

I also was available and being present with my husband and daughters

Speaker:

through emotionally Rocky times.

Speaker:

If they ask me to talk.

Speaker:

I want to be all ears.

Speaker:

My friend, Kara introduced me to this idea of sessions where your kid can ask for a

Speaker:

good chunk of time just to sit with you.

Speaker:

And you say yes, and you listen.

Speaker:

I offered this idea to my daughters, maybe two or three years And it wasn't

Speaker:

until a couple of months ago that they really started to take me up on it.

Speaker:

It seemed like there was a period where every other night I was lying next to one

Speaker:

of them in bed, staring at the ceiling just before bedtime and listening to what

Speaker:

was on their minds or in their hearts.

Speaker:

And giving my most non-judgemental and affirming responses when they wanted it.

Speaker:

And I didn't care if it kept me from getting less sleep or eight

Speaker:

and tune the time that I had allocated for working on other goals.

Speaker:

It really felt like this is what it means to be

Speaker:

This is such a gift to have them speaking to me openly, and I

Speaker:

wouldn't give that up for anything.

Speaker:

Not only that.

Speaker:

But I value my health and I strive to have a sense of wellness in my life.

Speaker:

And I was continuing to give myself that over the past few months.

Speaker:

I was getting a decent amount of exercise, getting enough rest.

Speaker:

Most of the time.

Speaker:

Because for whatever reason, if I get less than six hours of sleep at night, I

Speaker:

don't know if it's my age or hormones or what, but my mood and attitude take a hit.

Speaker:

I can be so impatient, grumpy.

Speaker:

I don't want to show up like that for anyone.

Speaker:

In looking at these themes.

Speaker:

I realized I was living in line with my values.

Speaker:

In deciding how to spend my time.

Speaker:

There wasn't anything wrong with me.

Speaker:

And instead of asking myself, what can I do differently or So I can accomplish

Speaker:

this goal, despite the circumstances.

Speaker:

It was really more a question of what's realistic.

Speaker:

How can I adjust this goal and redefine success?

Speaker:

Given the circumstances.

Speaker:

And my need to respect my values.

Speaker:

And acknowledge my priorities.

Speaker:

What's funny is I'm pretty good at calling up my daughters when they have

Speaker:

unrealistic expectations or standards.

Speaker:

I just wasn't as good at looking at my life in the same

Speaker:

So, if you find yourself struggling to accomplish a goal and you feel guilty

Speaker:

or down on yourself, If you have this little gremlin voice telling you, you

Speaker:

should be productive and making you second, guess yourself, wondering if

Speaker:

you're procrastinating or worse, you're an imposter because you didn't hit that goal.

Speaker:

Like you said, you would wrong.

Speaker:

Ask yourself instead.

Speaker:

Am I living in alignment with my values.

Speaker:

And sure.

Speaker:

Maybe sometimes we can power through to get to a goal, do

Speaker:

whatever it takes to succeed.

Speaker:

But we should always check those efforts against our values If

Speaker:

the answer is yes, you are living in alignment with your values.

Speaker:

Then give yourself permission to flex those goals.

Speaker:

Not as a concession.

Speaker:

But as a conscious choice and kind of a celebration.

Speaker:

That you are honoring yourself and your needs.

Speaker:

Once I gave myself permission to let go of my original goals.

Speaker:

I began to wonder how I could reframe things.

Speaker:

What's an approach towards Coles that has fewer forced at deadlines.

Speaker:

Or less artificial urgency and way less guilt.

Speaker:

So as I'm known to do, and probably a lot of you do too.

Speaker:

I dove into a content wormhole.

Speaker:

On the internet, of course.

Speaker:

Just to see what I could find, and I thought I'd share with you four

Speaker:

things, four approaches that seemed to provide flexibility and grace,

Speaker:

which for many busy moms of busy kids.

Speaker:

I know is paramount.

Speaker:

So number one is to swap out goals for intention.

Speaker:

And intention is to almost think of it as a wish or a desire to bring in

Speaker:

the feelings you want to feel without.

Speaker:

This win, lose framework.

Speaker:

We've been conditioned to use the word goal when we want to make

Speaker:

a change or accomplish something and to choose a tangible result.

Speaker:

But sometimes maybe we don't really care about the actual outcome.

Speaker:

What we really want to change is how we feel.

Speaker:

So a goal.

Speaker:

Is typically defined as this predetermined result.

Speaker:

But an intention is more a desire to create a sustained feeling over time.

Speaker:

So for instance, a goal could be, I want to lose 10 pounds

Speaker:

in the next three months.

Speaker:

But the intention could I want to feel healthy, energized, and strong.

Speaker:

We can see how intentions can help us focus on creating kind of lasting change

Speaker:

where goals might only focus on hustling after a temporary and fixed outcome.

Speaker:

I personally like this feelings focused perspective.

Speaker:

It's true.

Speaker:

Sometimes it's not a thing or a, an accomplishment, but really that,

Speaker:

that state of being that I'm after.

Speaker:

And using intentions versus goals allows for this.

Speaker:

Number two.

Speaker:

Say you'll hold space for something, instead of calling it a goal.

Speaker:

Holding space is typically used in the context of therapy or coaching.

Speaker:

It's when you put your own judgments And you don't have an agenda.

Speaker:

So it creates space for openness and possibility without any expectations.

Speaker:

It can be like that with goals too.

Speaker:

We can set the idea of a specific goal aside and instead be

Speaker:

open to progress of any kind.

Speaker:

Towards a state of being, or the kind of person you want to

Speaker:

be and see what might show up.

Speaker:

So for instance, you could hold space for working out this week.

Speaker:

And it makes it so that if you work out three times, that's great.

Speaker:

But even once we'll be good.

Speaker:

As opposed to my goal is to work out three times this week.

Speaker:

And if you work out once you feel like you missed the mark, I really

Speaker:

liked this framework that allows you to celebrate any progress.

Speaker:

Not just hitting the bull's eye, but also getting close.

Speaker:

Number three.

Speaker:

Is to consider anti goals, What don't you want to do?

Speaker:

My planner actually has this baked in.

Speaker:

There's a place in the corner where I can list five things each

Speaker:

week that I don't want to do.

Speaker:

And it prompts me to think about what actions do I want to avoid,

Speaker:

like comparing myself to others or picking fights with my partner.

Speaker:

Or impulse buys.

Speaker:

And what states do I want to avoid?

Speaker:

So maybe that's impatience procrastination or perfectionism.

Speaker:

While auntie goals might seem kind of counterintuitive.

Speaker:

They basically give us a benchmark of failure to avoid.

Speaker:

It allows us to be really flexible with growth and progress while

Speaker:

still remaining true to the vision of ourselves that we want.

Speaker:

It reminds me of an interview with Greg McKeown.

Speaker:

The author of essential ism.

Speaker:

In an interview about goal setting.

Speaker:

He encourages people to ask, am I making it harder than it needs

Speaker:

Because sometimes it can be about not doing the thing you don't want

Speaker:

to do instead of doing the thing that you think you want to do.

Speaker:

So using this example of exercise, instead of my goal is to go

Speaker:

to the gym three times a week.

Speaker:

It could I don't want to feel unhealthy.

Speaker:

Or inactive or sedentary.

Speaker:

I don't want to go a full week without breaking a sweat.

Speaker:

And number four is to do away with goals entirely.

Speaker:

The author, Leo Babauta.

Speaker:

He wrote the book Zen habits.

Speaker:

Says that sometimes the best goal is no goal at all.

Speaker:

I was super skeptical, but I did read further to understand.

Speaker:

How this approach would actually work.

Speaker:

So when you don't set a goal for the week or a month or a year,

Speaker:

you're not obsessing over tracking or thinking about next steps.

Speaker:

Instead.

Speaker:

The ideas to really tune into your passion and your intuition and what feels right.

Speaker:

So it allows you to build on your gut instincts and let that lead

Speaker:

you towards truly fulfilling goals.

Speaker:

And just because you don't have goals, doesn't mean you do nothing.

Speaker:

The idea is that what you choose to do is guided not by what you write

Speaker:

down with a little checkbox next to it, but by what your heart or

Speaker:

your gut is telling you to do next.

Speaker:

This obviously wouldn't work in all contexts.

Speaker:

Like if you're saving for your kid's college or you have a goal to pay

Speaker:

off your mortgage, but for some things in life, it could make sense.

Speaker:

So using the example of exercise.

Speaker:

I suppose this means trying different movements and exercises and noticing how

Speaker:

that makes you feel and just keep doing the things that feel most rewarding.

Speaker:

The doing of something without quantifying anything would be gratifying enough.

Speaker:

These four approaches feel like much more compassionate frameworks.

Speaker:

Towards quote unquote, goal setting.

Speaker:

Then some more rigid structures that we might be used to.

Speaker:

So to recap, When you find yourself frustrated with a lack

Speaker:

of progress towards a personal goal that you've set for yourself.

Speaker:

Ask am I living in alignment with my values?

Speaker:

And then what's the cost of accomplishing this goal.

Speaker:

And if you are living in alignment with your values and you don't.

Speaker:

Want to compromise those values.

Speaker:

Ask, how can you redefine success?

Speaker:

How can you tweak this goal?

Speaker:

Given your circumstances?

Speaker:

And do so in a way that respects your values and priorities.

Speaker:

And some of the alternatives We went through our setting an

Speaker:

intention versus setting a goal.

Speaker:

Holding space for possibility.

Speaker:

Creating anti goals.

Speaker:

And maybe even having no goals

Speaker:

Life and its pressures, ebb and flow.

Speaker:

So when you're in a place like I was when you have motivation and desire,

Speaker:

but lack the time and predictability.

Speaker:

Perhaps you could try one of these approaches and see if they work for you.

Speaker:

I've been trying be setting intention and holding space approaches.

Speaker:

And so far so good.

Speaker:

I feel like there's been a fluidity in the chunks of my free

Speaker:

time in my evenings and days.

Speaker:

And while I don't necessarily have a long list of checked off

Speaker:

boxes, I still feel accomplished.

Speaker:

And I have way less stress and guilt.

Speaker:

And that is a goal worth achieving.

Speaker:

Thanks so much for joining me today.

Speaker:

It takes action to claim something.

Speaker:

So by listening, you've already shown you're the kind of mom who shows

Speaker:

up for herself and her daughter.

Speaker:

Big hugs and high fives from me.

Speaker:

If you liked what you heard, please leave a review on apple podcasts or Spotify.

Speaker:

Even though it may not seem like a big deal.

Speaker:

It means the world to me.

Speaker:

And it does help other listeners find the show.

Speaker:

Also hits subscriber, follow in your favorite podcast

Speaker:

app and tell your friends.

Speaker:

And if you're on Instagram, follow at an OB, raised

Speaker:

To find quotes from wise women reminders, tips, et cetera, and get

Speaker:

a heads up on upcoming podcasts.

Speaker:

And I'll be popping in live on occasion with podcast guests.

Speaker:

So you'll have a chance to ask your own questions Also remember to

Speaker:

head to note, be raised them.com.

Speaker:

As I mentioned earlier, it's totally revamped.

Speaker:

So it's easier to find show notes and transcripts.

Speaker:

You can send me a voice message or an email message and sign up

Speaker:

for my email list to be the first to know about upcoming projects.

Speaker:

Those include a collective of sorts for mindful moms of girls, kind

Speaker:

of like a mastermind for women who want to grow in powerful ways

Speaker:

and also be intentional about how they show up for their daughters.

Speaker:

So do connect with me if you're interested in that.

Speaker:

Thanks again for listening and here's to strong women.

Speaker:

May we know them?

Speaker:

May we be them?

Links