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The Think Free Rebellion - Rob McPhillips EPISODE 33, 8th December 2020
How To Plan For The Relationship You Want in 2021!
00:00:00 02:30:38

How To Plan For The Relationship You Want in 2021!

In this episode as we draw 2020 to a close we looked at what we need to do to build a great relationship even if we don't already have a Partner.



So we accept that if you a relationship is a result of your behavior and your behavior as a result of the practices and the habits that you you use, that you have. And so then we look at attitudes.


So your attitude to dating relationships is going to affect how enthusiastic you are, how much activity that you do and how and the quality that you bring to that. So having a more positive attitude about dating relationships means that you activate more of the best in other people.


It means that you meet the people who are more attractive and more not attractive in a physical sense, but more attractive as they have the qualities that create a more attractive relationship. So. We talked about personal narrative in the way that you rise, you improve your attitude. We talked about all relationships, create problems. So you may have problems initially in the start of dating. And when you start school, then you can have a problem somewhere late. There isn't going to be a problem solving problems.


It's which taught in the breakout group about the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset and where knowing that problems are something that you can resolve if you change what you do and life works out. And the model that we have is going to determine the problems that we face and adjusting the model that we have can prevent or resolve the problems along the way.


We then looked at skills. What abilities do we need to develop improve in order to have better dating, dating experience and relationship experience about what? Atwar relationship?


Next year, what difference can you do to improve the your knowledge, skills and confidence in terms of dating relationships? And so what action can you take to have better relationships? So we covered quite a lot of things, and if you follow through these, if you listen to the recording now, if you follow through and ask those questions of yourself, then you.


I can come up with an action plan for 2021 in 2021, I'm launching the relational mastery system and a relational mastery system is the habits, the practices, the process. Two dating. How do you have the confidence, how do you have the minorities that results in better relationships? How do you have the dating skill and the how do you choose your partner? And then how when you've met someone, how do you develop the relationship? How do you build the relationship that has less friction?


Welcome to honest talk about heartbreak, dating and relationships, relationships, the podcast helping you navigate your path to happy ever after with your host, Rob McPhillips. OK, so today we're today we're not going to have too much discussion, it's going to be more planning session, a session for you to really think about what you do next year to.


Put your relationships in the best position that they can be.


So I've got some questions to run through, and so we're going to run through those questions and mostly talk about them in the breakout rooms. And then we can come back and we can just get a couple of things from everyone. But we've got four questions. So that's going to take quite a bit of time for the sake of if you're listening to this and you're not actually here, then this is really, again, for you. These are questions for you to think about, because what can you do next year to make your relationships in the best position that you can?


So for anyone who's new here, what we do in the main room here where we are now, the discussion is recorded and so you can listen back on any of the past mishaps that we've had, the discussion that you have in the breakout rooms is private. OK, so before we actually get started with that, I'm just interested to know where you put in a chat or whether you want to hear what he has an interesting news resolution.


In our room, we actually don't have New Year's resolutions. We'll be doing some lifelong changes instead because people don't really stick to news or solutions. It just short term is like a spur of the moment thing. People kind of go, I'm going to do everything because I'm fed up with something. So it's a knee jerk reaction to a problem is not a realistic expectation. You're all hyped up, so you set yourself impossible goals and then you just set yourself up for failure.


So instead, what we say is, I want to change my life for better. I'm going to do this. Which comes back to what you were saying about relationships as well. Oh, yeah. I'm going to find a new partner next year. It's kind of unrealistic. I mean, life doesn't love your partner, so it's not like you're going to necessarily find somebody. You can, by all means, look things into thing. But you've got to look at yourself because to change yourself, you gotta be more likeable, I suppose, or somebody that or put things into perspective or put things into operation so that you can go and find someone, but not because it's a New Year's resolution.


And very wise and perfect set up for this evening.


AK. So if unless anyone else has any interesting. Different points. Well, I'm Guerin's. Sorry, I don't know if man is really interested, but it's short term, it's 20, 21, I'm sure it's interesting. Well, we're all we're all interested, aren't we? It's interesting for me.


Well, resolve my lingering marriage, finalize what it will become. No marriage and move on the new single Tell Me for 2020. Well, yes, that's it. Yeah.


Now, up close that chapter. Yeah, that sounds like I think once you come to a decision, it's you know, there is always a natural delay because to that it's hard to make that jump. But, yeah, if you've decided, then that's. It's time to collect. Yeah, and it's and it's going to be hard because I am giving up. Thirty four years of. Marriage and all that entails, it means I'm starting all over, so I've got to be I've got to have a very strong spine.


Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm sure you'll do it and you'll you'll be fine.


Oh, I'm stubborn and I don't give in, so I will be fine. I know. I am making sure that I'll be fine.


You better believe I will be fine because I think what this is also this group has helped me to do is not to waver because I was more or less resolved.


I knew that that was what I wanted to do.


But it's more of how you think of yourself and your place in what's about to happen and how you develop a plan of action that you can stick to. Because, you know, the there's that outcome that your your your sort of you can't you can you have a clear vision of a better word as the end game. Yeah. So thank you very much.


OK, and that leads us perfectly to the first question. So there's actually five questions we're going to ask, and the first one is, what is your vision for? Your relationship is next year, so you've got an ultimate vision of what you want your relationship to be. And then as as I said, what is? Like, what is the step, so we'll win. I think we all want this perfect relationship and whatever, but there is sometimes things that we have to put in place.


Because it's not just about meeting someone and then everything being magical. It's about you have to have the foundations for you, you have have the foundations for the relationship. So what what is the what would you like this time next year? What would you like to have achieved in terms of relationship? So I'm going to ask that question and we'll go to the breakout rooms and this will be a shorter one. So if we go for six minutes, I think I guess most groups two minutes per person.


So if you if you can kind of go for two minutes each. When you get a link to come back, don't come straight back, let it kick you out and you still a minute from when that when you get that warning. Are you frozen peas, frozen peas and Ice Cube is gone.


So anybody in terms of relationships or what is anyone got any plans? Yeah, I have.


Can I just share quickly what my problem is so I can get out the way? Yeah. So good to see everyone today. I not as face as I was last week. I've chilled out a bit you know. Yeah. Much. I've got all of that out right now.


I'm really, really changed now so.


And thanks for being so patient with me, I appreciate. Yeah, I've just got a job in a forest school, which has been a bit of a dream of mine to to sort of work in alternative education. So I don't actually believe mainstream education is always good for every child. I would really love to meet my partner in that kind of environment where we have a common goal, like a partnership, not like we fall in love and can't live without each other, that kind of stuff, but a real partnership and a completely meaningful.


Yeah, common values and a vision of because this has been my vision for about 15 years of building an eco therapy cabin in the forest to help children that have gone through trauma and for people in addiction that need to rehabilitate, you know, for families and children. And yes, this is my vision.


You see a shared vision, shared goals, shared purpose in life. Yeah. And then so preferably he would be quite good at building. So I'm good. I'm good at designing. So I would be the designer and preferably he could build the house so we could work together. That would be awesome. That would be that's my dream.


Will his name be Bob Bob the Builder. No, I think his name is going to be like Bill, not Bob. And I just want to make sure that's okay.


Sarah is a really good guy that you just described what you're looking for, that you should have a shared purpose and goals and values. That's really good. I'd be fine. I'd be fine.


Oh, Betty, it's so nice to hear your voice. I didn't know you were in the I didn't know you were here today. Lovely to hear from you.


Yeah, good. Well, thank you. As anyone else.


Got anything to add. So I was just trying to show you what we were saying was if we could decide for next year where be like to be playing the road this time next year in terms of relationships, not so much as a New Year's resolution, but, you know, ideal situation will be hopefully find my life partner an amazing guy, you know?


But but but I mean, is that is that do you think that within a year you'll do that in a year?


I don't know. I guess like my learning now is how did how do you. How how do you. How do you enjoy the journey while you wait for someone who is absolutely amazing, because I'm not going to settle for anything else that is just absolutely amazing anymore. I'm done. Yes. Me first.


This time, you have to be able to enjoy the ups and the downs of the rollercoaster.


Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. I'm just hoping to make friends by this time next year. I mean, obviously, I'd love to find somebody who will kind of go, well, you know, this is it. But I am being careful not to set myself any unrealistic expectations because then I'm setting myself for failure and it's just disappointment. So if I can meet a couple of people and have one or two good friends, that's, you know, anything about that is icing on the cake.


I am looking for fun if you are on the road, whether are you in London.


Let's go.


Though, just tell me and I'll be there. But on Wednesday nights and Friday nights, also dancing. You know, I've got to get home.


I'm sorry. It has to be in the day. Okay. So was a really nice family atmosphere.


Yeah. But you see, I'm at the stage where I think having lists what can.




You know what? On one hand it's good to know what you want, but I don't want to create a list that I am going to be checking boxes against somebody because they may be quite different, but yet still they are the best fit for me.


I am not looking for a husband and looking for somebody who complements me and enables me to be my whole self, including all of my craziness.


You either love it or you hate it.


And who is not threatened by my independence.


So that's going to be a hard sell, I'm sure.


And as I said in my group, I am not going to be this again. Been there, done that. So I don't want any projects.


I'm not I as I said, and I want somebody who is independent that is secure in themselves and is willing to share.


Here and I am willing I'm willing to do that, so that's what I'm looking for and I knew it would happen in a year, but at least let the chase begin.


You're not interested in last week's argument that I was describing the idea what?


You're not interested in Philadelphia I was describing last week.


No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. White belts and white shoes and medallion on the chest. No, no, no.


That's not is that is that what you're wearing next week? Yeah.


But the sure thing going out, you know, we look forward to it. I disappeared. I seem to be a couple of people seem to be having trouble with Internet and I just completely lost my Internet, but I'm back, so I missed some of it. I did catch Andrea. And I think in terms of relationship, there are elements of the relationship that's out of your control. And so that's why I think what everyone is saying is that.


It's like two to one, the relationship next year is is silverfish, and it's not that you can't have the relationship, but it's like it takes time to get someone. And in that time, you don't know, like the first the first or the tenth person that you date is going to be the one that's right for you, that has integrity, that has the right qualities, and all of that takes time. So when you see I see a lot of people worrying about red flags and they're all like, oh, what is this like?


Is this a red flag? And I think when you're dating, everything is like a piece of the jigsaw. It's like one data point. It doesn't mean anything more than that. It's one piece of the jigsaw. So you keep it in mind and then when you have enough pieces, you can make the puzzle. But a lot of people are. When I went out overly anxious and fixated on red flags, they're taking one piece of the jigsaw and then trying to make them see the picture from that piece.


So it's when you have a number of data points. And so you could be perfectly ready for a relationship. You could date someone. But the first couple that you date might not be the right. They might not have integrity. They might not have the qualities that will make the long term relationship. And so those ups and downs affect people that and that's when people give up. Now, the there's a graph like the change curve and how the change kind of goes is initially goes down in anything and then eventually it goes up and.


So what happens is when it dips, people get despondent and that's when they give up and then they stop, start with dating. So if you put everything right, like you get in the right state, you choose the right partner and you know how to build the right relationship. Then it's just a matter of time, so it's the velocity of your interactions. So how much action you're taking, how many messages, how many dates you have and how many people that you can talk to times the quality like how ready you are for that relationship, the quality of your messaging, your ability, the quality of your ability to pick the right partner and your quality to build the right relationship.


And so with your outcome, just the facts of how many, what access we have to single people and knowing what you're doing, like knowing how to build a relationship that is that. With those things, you know, that the potential lies there to have the relationship and so you may have one or two false starts where it's like you think it's going to be this person and then it turns out not to be. So if you focus on the end result and then you focus on the practices that are going to get you there.


Then, you know, it's just a matter of when. You see people look to early and they look too much on the other person. If as long as you like, you have the relationship skills and you have the confidence and you have the knowledge. Then you can always have the relationship, you can't have it necessarily in the timescale that you want. Because you don't have control, because you don't know someone, it takes like three months, six months a year to get to know if they are the right person.


And so jumping too early, like I want everything settled next year. Maybe you can maybe. But some of that is if you if you're going to die. So ten people. And it's one of them 10. It could be the first 10. It could be the tenth person so so that you don't get to determine the sequence and you don't know how long it's going to take you to find that person out, whether it's three months, six months or a couple of nights.


And so I'm talking about dating sites. I'm talking about the process. I am predominantly talking about dating sites. But wherever you meet someone from is regardless. And you could meet them offline wherever. But it's still you still don't know if they're that person to there's going to be right in a relationship. You might know someone from work for six months. We don't necessarily know how they're going to interact with you, what they're going to be like in a domestic relationship.


You can say that you. You can. No, somebody, because, you know, when you meet people, they put on a mask, don't they? So you don't see the real person and like you said, these red flags. But people people are quite good at masking who they really are. Definitely, which is why I think you take you take your time. I think it's like you said last week, and you've given them the opportunity to hurt you, you don't know that somebody will or won't hurt you.


So unless you're shooting somebody in and of the situation and the shit hit the fan, as it were, how do you know how they'll react? Because if it's all nicely, nicely, then it's very easy for them to keep the mask on. I just see the real person character. Yeah, definitely, she's got a hand up and I think she can refer to stand where I was going to go.


But anyway, Sasha and I wanted to make another point about what you said earlier about the red flags. But, yeah, just to answer what you were saying is. It depends on their values and where they're heading with their life and what the how they want to build themselves and if they have that working on their own self development, and then after that, it would be to see them in certain situations to find out from close relatives and friends what they're really like and not to be afraid to ask these questions about the person's character.


I just wanted to add what you said before with the red flags were up, is that. I think some some red flags are not right for some people, but if if, say, I saw a red flag in some room, for example, and I thought that I work with and help them develop, if they were already on their own self development, it wouldn't really be an issue if that makes sense. It does. There is sometimes I mean I mean, everything is individual and so we can't make blanket rules.


But what we can say is that often people will talk about their own self development and often people will talk about wanting to change. But it's more. For effect, I'm sure, as well, throughout the relationship, if you saw keeping your eyes open and you keeping a little bit of distance. Yeah, not.


I think that becomes apparent regardless. Yeah, I just think that talk is cheap when you say, OK, ask them questions. It's like you're saying people can say stuff like they're going to do something and I don't do it. So I think rather than ask some questions or observe friends or relatives is a question of looking at what their actual actions are because their actions speak louder than their words, because people can say anything they can and they do. Yeah, definitely, and I think why I went, I thought Sasha was going to mention that I think stands out and talked about you wait until you passed the last phase.


So you're not thinking you're not clouded. What was that stance?


How can we. We did we did one of the meet ups was about it. And it is really. Initially, like the thrill of the romance you're going to have, you're going to have a clouded perception of that person. Once that initial thrill dies down, then you're better able to judge.


But also, like you say, people can't just say people present themselves. Yeah, just one second. People present themselves in a certain way. And you don't know if that's true or not for some time. Sorry, Sarah. No, not a problem.


Sorry if I interrupted you, because last week was really interesting. We talked a lot about biology and how it men and women might be or might not be different. And so if I take the female, the archetypal female, the biology, the chemistry, women attach that much more deeply when they've had sex. So if you if you didn't have sex on the third day, then to me that means you've attached in your perception. Maybe I'm not going to say well be, but maybe like it may be obscured because you can't really see what that person's actions are when you've had sex, because all the brain chemistry changes.


Also, I believe that red flags are pertinent not to put someone down or to judge someone, but to have a list of red flags and green flags, not just focus on the negative, but to have a list of things that are really excellent partnership material is to focus on what is good material, not necessarily just the red flags, and also to have a list of bottom lines. So a bottom line for me would be if a man was abusive to me, swore at me, put me down, that would be an instant.


No, no, that would be not only a red flag, but a bottom line. That would be. So I think to be aware of these things is absolutely crucial. This is what I think. Yeah, I think I think it is is really being conscious, and I think so there are lots of people that would say that you shouldn't sleep with someone too early. And I think you're going to be waiting a long time before you really know anyone.


And so what I think can also be an issue is where people are very reluctant to sleep with anyone until there is. Like something that they see is a deep relationship. And sometimes they can. Like be craving sex, but and project that onto the person and so just to be aware of whatever is clouding your vision, whether it's attaching to someone too much or wanting company and intimacy with someone. And since being aware of your personal drivers and how that's clouding your vision and sometimes you don't get that for a while.


Sandra, just building on what Betty said earlier, the issue of questions and asking questions, I think when we are early in a relationship, we tend to go into a bubble and exclude our friends to a large extent and we focus on each other.


But I think that's the period when we really should be seeing each other in different circumstances.


And that helps us to get the clues that we're looking for in a more honest way than asking direct, direct questions. In many respects, just being out with friends in different you know, in in different situations, we do start to build a picture of that person and how they will react to different situations.


And that can help us, along with, of course, a few careful observations from friends, etc. and it helps you to build a picture.


In other words, I think use in being alert, exposing both yourself and the person to different situations and seeing how they react and also how you react to them. Because it's not just about them, it's also how you react to them doing whatever it is they are, how they are reacting at the same time.


Yes, I agree with what Sandra's saying, that I think it's definitely a good idea to. See how they react, not just to you, but to other people, because with you, they can carry on putting on that performance, but when they're with other people, that's not so easy.


Yeah, definitely.


Can I just say one thing about having a lot of red flags, the green flag as well? It was really good point. Are not to paint, not to paint the red flags green, just to see it for what it is, but I just wanted to make the point, because I work in nature. I work in a forest school. Right. And I think nature is a really big teacher of like open systems. Open system relationships are based on the open system in ecology, the ecosystems where lots of things feed into one system that makes it replenished and healthy.


So, for instance, I give you a specific example. If I was in a relationship where I was in a literal bubble because that looks romantic but actually is really not good, it's unhealthy. So things like, you know, hobbies, friendships, other friends, education, learn and develop these. This is an open system where lots of things fit in to that potential relationship. That's a healthy, open system. If you've got a closed system, it's like it's like basically a bubble and you run out of oxygen and it will not last.


This is what I truly believe and what I've experienced.


Yeah, I think that's a very good point and just I don't I don't want it to look like you have to be paranoid about who you get into a relationship with.


I think, like Sarah was saying what it's all about, really. Is because people can often fixate on the relationship and it's not really about the relationship. It's about your life is about you live your life in the way the best way that is. Enjoy your life in the way that you can most like making the most of your opportunities in your life. And then someone fitting along that. And so then if you're happy with your life and everything's going well and you're feeling positive, then the ups and downs of romance are you're much more resilient to them.


Whereas if you if you feel like you said, the big problem that people have is they feel that they need the relationship for their life, live your life really well and then and do everything well, like live with on a live behind. They have good relationships with everyone. And as part of that, the relationship will come along and it might not come first, second, whatever. But you just it's maximizing your life, the quality of life so quickly.


And then we got to satisfaction going and going in today.


And I think it's healthy to go in without truly being skeptical. So being aware that there is the right man out there for you and there is good men out there, but also in an appropriate amount of caution. So I think it's about finding the balance between the two. Yeah, there's everyone there's everyone out there, and what you're doing is not trying to make a relationship, not trying to impress someone, but living your life and putting people into the boxes.


Yes. No, you know, whatever box there are and then that's part of it. OK, so we've run on a bit, so I want to go to the first breakout room, which is about attitude. Okay, so.


This whole thing of living your life is like when you're really happy. You see the best of life when you really down and despairing, everything is hard. Everything seems bad. And the problem in a lot of relationships. Might not be the relationship, might not be the partner, but it might be that you're feeling bad. And so people who are like someone who's really depressed is going to look at everything their partner does and blame them. And it may not be.


Of course, sometimes there is cause, but it may not actually be a problem with a partner. It may be a problem that they're feeling bad. And then when we feel bad, we come up with a story of why we're feeling bad.


So on a scale of one to 10, so if one is like I despair of dating, I dread it. I don't want to send messages. I don't want to put myself out there to tell, like, I feel great. This is going to be fun. I'm going to have so much fun. I can't wait to get to meet new people.


Where would you screw yourself and if you just take a moment. Where you would screw yourself and then go to the breakout rooms so that you can say what is really bad, I despair not I have to go on a date and I do have to go out to have to meet people I don't really want to do.


Ten is like, yeah, bring it on. OK, so let's see. We. If we go for 10 minutes. And again, don't come straight back. Wait till you get kicked out. Right, Maddy? So you're having problems. Do you want to stay here or do you want to try again? Okay, so, Maria, if you just think about where you are. And how that affects. In terms of how you show up, in terms of meeting someone, and I'm guessing from from what he said in a chat, that you're not a fan of dating sites and maybe you're looking at other places.


Yeah, correct. OK, OK, so so then it might be the. So is that because you feel really bad about dating sites like you have been on? Yeah, yeah, they I think all my anxiety is come up, so yeah, I'll sell system, so I'll sit out and listen when you get back to the main room. Yeah, highway. Higher hire. How are you? I'm just zooming, Robert. And I've just had someone grab my heart, I said, I've got something at 7:00.


So that's just only just finished. It's supposed to be half an hour. That was some anyway. And I'm just doing my last 30 minute life drawing and then I'll be OK, and then you'll have my undivided attention. So, OK, I'm going to let you I'm well, I will leave you to join then.


Yeah, I'm just I'm here in the background. I'll go and meet. OK, so Samari, so it's like in terms of anxiety, then it's. So what would it take for you to be comfortable on a dating site, because it's not that I'm particularly selling dating sites. It's just easier. And I think that's probably the easiest way. I mean, there are other ways, but you don't have the same pool of people.


I like the I like the spark and interaction that I get when I'm meeting people face to face. And I think when you're working on a computer all day, my energy level drops at the prospect of trying to engage with a computer with people on a dating site. Staring into computer and it's just hard work is just not fun, actually, I just want some fun meeting. Okay.


Okay, so that's that immediately. This is what this is about.


Like, if your attitude is a lower number, you're just not going to do the activity because it's not fun. Okay, so where do you where do you meet people. Well, I mean, meet ups, I've done a few meet ups in my hometown, and so far it's been nice. There's another there's a dating app and a dating website called My Friend Charlie, which is a bit expensive, but kind of like has activities which you pay for and you can see what kind of life is or what.


It's an antidote, almost a dating site. So it's kind of like you do an activity and you meet people within a context, I guess. Yeah, it's hit and miss, but then I think dating sites as well. You could you meet someone from your network? Like friends of friends? No, I don't really have that. I know a lot of my I mean a lot my friends are kind of like, um, they're not they're not kind of like they're not you kind of like you socialize, you know, you kind of like party animals.




So, you know, and in terms of work, is there are there people about.


Yeah, they're all they're all kind of like married, I think, with kids.


Well, one. I mean one. Thing you possibly could do that is an idea I haven't really. Try it out with anyone but some. I think there are unusual things you could do, like in terms of advertising where people come to you. And so then it just changes the dynamics. Say. There are things and or game of fire, so it becomes something that you feel that feels good. The. Just a game of fire. Came a fire, so said, make a game of it.


Oh, how do you have time just one second. Hi, Janice. Did you get kicked out?


Yeah, I had no audio, so I had to jump out and then I told me to quit and then try rejoin, live or die. Can you hear me OK? We can hear you. I was really tempted to go, ah, there was quite enough for me that probably I had in mind today.


Okay, you were here.


We will group to room two. Yeah. Okay, try again. If not, you can come back here and check.


OK. Yes, so like people pay to be on a diet and sign an advert where you can get you in front of people who are likely to be the right kind of partner for you. Well, like a newspaper or something like. I would probably do Facebook ads because you can target, which you can target by interests. You can target by the type of person type of education and you're completely out of context and you can target by single. And so it's scalable.


Whereas if you advertise in the newspaper, you you're committed to a big lump, whereas Facebook, you can just come on. I know of.


But I know I know something I am because I'm looking at and thinking, well, you know, people there's a service.


People who are in need of time will pay a hundred thousand dollars a month for someone to do that for them. And so they just basically sign up to die.


And I don't I don't think that works or I don't feel entirely comfortable with it because you're standing up and you've got none of the back story and someone has like this relationship started without you. And you don't know. I mean, obviously you have access to the messages in there, but it doesn't seem the right like the right rates. And I think for that money, you could be advertising really targeted to the type of person that you want. You're suddenly like there in their Facebook or Instagram feed is different.


I think the risk involved with that. I mean, there's risk in everything, but in what way do you mean, I suppose a dating sites, you are in a secure site, aren't you, which is supposed to be managed, whereas a Facebook well, on Facebook, like dating sites like Tinder, you have to be on Facebook so that they can because that gives you some idea of who the person is.


A dating site. You could just sign up and you go one, nine, two, and no one has any idea. Here you are, you could be anyone. Yeah, so, I mean, they're just it's just a website. Anyone can go in, say who they are, particularly if it's free. If you have to pay, then you have to use some kind of credit card, which means you can be traced back. Whereas, yeah, I think you don't know the problem with online.


It can be anyone and it's then detecting afterwards when you get to know someone that's really breaking down. Yeah. Who they are. But yeah, that that's it depends on how, like if you're quite open and like I'm interested in finding someone then you could go to like friends or people that you know and say, okay, look, is there anyone, you know, I'm looking for someone like this to do this?


I mean, I've got to kid, you know, like that.


I've got a friend who's kind of like slightly older than me, and she's a bit of a bit of a hippy character, but she finds she finds guys really easily and she's not kind of like, you know, she's just a very petite, almost hippy ish type of woman. But she's very I guess she's very confident or very easygoing and about meeting men and actually having casual relationships with them as well. And. Yes, she doesn't she's never use any dating sites.


Maybe I should ask her for tips or something, but I don't I think she actually flirts massively. I don't know what it is.


Yeah, yeah.


If you I mean, if you're just like if men see the opportunity, it's how like how hard like a man is looking like a man who's looking and interested is looking at how hard is he going to be like how much embarrassment is that going to be. Are you going to make him look stupid? And once that threshold is down and you're having conversations, then yeah, they will. I mean, you could just go to coffee shops and just start conversations.


It depends on how open and comfortable you are with that. But if if that feels more comfortable and dating, then, you know, like if it is if you like or you don't really have much anymore. But, you know, you can say in more distance and strike up conversations with people who in a certain section of the book store supermarkets, I mean, supermarkets used to do that in singles night to go shopping.


So where it. Yeah, wherever it's it. And for men, it's it's mostly about like.


Cutting down the risk of how embarrassed is going to be, how and so they're going to have their filter, if someone just approach everyone or have any fear of rejection or sense of like it's inappropriate and some will not be very comfortable with. But the more. I mean, there's tons of opportunities just but part of it is. Seeing like feeling like the the higher up you feel in terms of attitudes and more open and responsive that you are, the more people that you meet.


Yeah, I mean, I'm kind of like doing a lot of working on myself in terms of like confidence and and just generally and, you know, better self-esteem and self-worth and stuff like that. But I've been very hard and negative on myself for most of my life, actually. And I think that doesn't help, you know, and also issues. So that's that's difficult to wade through. I start from the premise that everyone, anyone else, given your genetics, given your experience, given your cultural condition, giving your your personality would do exactly the same.


And so then when you look at it's more like, OK, what are the things feeding in to my attitude? What are the things feeding in to my beliefs and what needs to change? And so, first of all, you make yourself strong, not wrong. So when you're always all this strong on person on this, you you become crippled and there's not much you can do. And when you say, OK, this isn't working for me, why isn't it working to like, you know, it could be not you, but some people might say like, oh, I don't I don't feel comfortable.


And I say, so I'm just not that whatever kind of person. And instead of saying that, OK, I'm not comfortable. Right. What why what is it that's making what's the dynamics that's creating that situation? That's making me feel uncomfortable. And if you change all of those factors that feed in, it changes the make up, like whether it's your beliefs about it, whether it's your expectations, whether it's your insecurities or whether it's thinking what other people think.


All of these things, once you change all of these, you change how you feel. And so recognizing that you do know the difference in growth mindset and fixed mindset.


And I guess it just means being open minded, doesn't it? If you got a fix, yeah, basically yourself then, Carol. Carol Dweck did a lot of research and she came up with the concept of some people think that they're sort of like kids who do well, say they do well at school and the parents who praise them and they say are you're you're so clever. Then when they do something bad, they feel it is them, like they feel that they're clever because they were a clever person.


When they do something, it doesn't go well. They feel like, oh, just can't do that. Well, as someone who is someone with a growth mindset feels that they are OK, this is just skills that I haven't developed. And so when the parents praise them for their effort, like you, you took the time, you practiced, you got really good at that. Then they learn that they can do it and they can do stuff.


They just need to put enough practice and effort in. And so people with a fixed mindset tend to give up and they think it's global. It's just I just can't do people with a growth mindset realize that they just have to put more effort in. Yeah, I hear you saying, and I like and I like to think that I have a growth mindset, but I suspect I have a fixed mindset because I've kind of like allowed its past experiences to kind of like drag me down.


And I identify too much with past. And I think I think right. I think right now locked down has been give me a time to reflect and and think about letting go of the past and not letting it define me. And I realize actually I have allowed it to define me. I've identified too much with it. And it's as great a narrative inside my head as that letting go of that narrative. And that's really hard, actually. You've lived with it.


Yeah, yeah.


Some of his habit. And it's just overwriting that habit.


But it is all about narrative. So attitude is all about a narrative that you tell yourself and so you have to come up with. So whenever we feel bad, it's the contrast between the situation and the narrative and we might not be able to change the situation. For example, a dating site, you can't change the situation of how dating sites are because they're a microcosm of life. So you have all of the behavior that you have and the outside world.


But what you can do is change your narrative about it and you go, okay, well, you know, that's bad behavior. That's, you know, grumpy, bitter people. We just put them in that box and just not pay attention to them. So it's all about finding the narrative, right? I better call people back a couple classrooms and okay, so you're in the main room that's going to be recorded.


Are you okay with that being recorded? Yeah, because I can come up with what it looks.


I didn't say anything to person. I don't think I did. I know you just talked about, General, wasn't it past past having affect you? Yeah, I know all that people say is your your first name and your voice.


You're back. We're just waiting for yeah, I'm back. Everyone else did you join okay? Yeah, I did, yeah, I did it. When we did the thing they said about the number, I said only about two is different.


I said at the beginning of nine. Well, we were just talking and I think it's knowing where you are and when you know where you are, you know what what you need, what the focus and you know exactly this is what I need to do, because otherwise it's it's can be overwhelming.


OK. Does anyone have anything to share from that or any discussion points, questions? OK, so the next. The next question. Is it a case that's attitude, the next one is alignment, so it's alignment between your thoughts and actions, and so this one is about what you believe. Okay, so. In our heads, we have a construction, we have a construction of what we believe relationships are, what we believe, how we believe the world works, how we believe people work.


Now, if when we carry that out, like when we act in dating sites or wherever. Out in the world, what happens is we're projecting those beliefs out and so that construction creates the context for dating, so where people have an idea that this technology has changed relationships. No one wants to have a real relationship anymore, that construction then becomes played out. Or when people say like, oh, it's me, I'm just not good at relationships, that becomes part of the construction.


Does that make sense? So you project out so like there's a makeup, there's a map.


In your head of how life is and when you act, stuff out that projection. Becomes the context in which you operate. Does that make sense? OK, so. So toxic relationships begin with toxic force. So. The beliefs and the framework that you have for relationships. Will determine the quality of your relationships. So when you have a flawed belief. That flawed belief. Manifests itself in the relationship. And how you operate in the relationship, what you expect from the relationship.


OK, so. When you look. At your. Operating model of relationships, you're operating expectations of relationships. What are you aware of, any beliefs? They're are going to limit your construction of the context in which you have a relationship in which he died, in which you interact with people. Does that make sense as a question? Is that clear? Can you repeat it? All of it? Yeah, just the last bit. Okay, so in terms of in your head, you have a map and a model of how relationships work, how dating works, how people work, what your expectations are and the limits of how they can be.


When you blow up like that, when you interact out. So, like this map is in your head now and in five years or next year, your relationships are going to operate within that context. So any flaws, any mistaken beliefs, any flawed expectations? Are going to affect the way that those relationships play out. So, for example, a common one is the fairy tale model, when you fall in love, everything you're you're you're happy ever after.


And so five years later when there's Rousse. It's constrained how you deal with it by that limitation, by the limited model.


So thinking through all we've discussed, thinking through your past relationships. What beliefs or flawed expectations or belief or interpretations of people might create future problems in your relationship? Is that clear enough? In your future relationship, yes. What in your head right now might limit and this is really difficult because most of them we're unconscious of we don't know what we don't know. But thinking through from you can see from patterns of last relationships, from we've talked about a lot of different beliefs and how they affect and the fact that we've talked about it here doesn't mean it's going to change.


It's how you how you interject.


So how you take knowledge and absorb it and assimilate into your operating system. I could feel enough ready enough to have a conversation about that. Yeah, I'm wondering how we can be how we can be aware of books that are subconscious. You probably can't until they play out. Some so okay, so some of the things we talked about, fairy tale model, things that you thought of, of past relationships, you've probably highlighted a few over the last few weeks, few months here.


But the fact that you're aware of it isn't enough. It needs to become into the operating system. So. What we're really looking at is what do you rationally, intellectually know? And you need to then insert into operating system.


So, in other words, it's what you need to wipe off of your hard drive and what you need to reinstall. Yeah, basically, yeah, I mean, because otherwise it's too it's too difficult to.


To know what you don't know. Yeah. Yes, so so learning lessons from the past. OK, right, we'll go back into the breakout rooms for 10 minutes again. So. OK. Is there anything that jumps to mind a. Yeah, is it is Katrina online as well? Is she? I don't know, I haven't had a response yet. No, that's not. No, she's that doesn't seem to be. Yeah. Well, I mean, I do a lot of self reflection and meditation and stuff like that, so, I mean, meditation is really interesting in terms of like you sit with stuff and you let you let I think the idea is that you kind of let emotions bubble right up, but you don't analyze them, intellectualize it.


You just you let it kind of rise up and then you kind of. Be aware of it and then you let it go. And so for me, I think what rises up is probably negativity, which has also led to anxiety. And so I think negativity about about self, which then gets projected out onto others and how I interact with others. So that's a really. Becky, I think, yeah, yeah, meditation is really good because you stop thinking.


Yeah, and a lot of the problems are from thinking. And. So you can get by, people go to therapy and they spend years and what they're really doing is creating more stories, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're solving the problem, but they might be just creating a story about the problem. And so you can go round and round in circles, so. It's really about your thinking should be based on your feeling, is your feeling that tells you.


How things are in and then you correct the thinking that fits with that, but when you lead from your thinking, you can get lost and that really creates anxiety. So it's just when you feel good, then you know that things are working out.


Yeah, I think when I when I get like, some kind of anxiety bubble or negative thinking pattern, I do go back into thinking, well, how do you feel right now? And actually I'm feeling fine. So it's quite good to see you.


And for you. Did you have a problem in your room or. Oh, yes, sorry, I was the only one in my room, so I came back. Oh, OK. You can hang out here with us or I can you to another room if you'd rather.


OK, fine. Thank you.


OK, so the question is, well, how do how do we know? We don't know why we don't know something other. Yeah, we can't really know what we don't know, so we're limited in how I think the way that we learn is from problems. We see a problem and then we work out where did that problem come from? So it's not to shy away from problems, but to use that to catch problems early.


So what what we're really looking at is maybe we can learn from past problems. And we can learn from from how we feel. Samantha and I were just talking about you can sort of be guided by how you feel. And if you feel bad and then you rely on thinking what happens is you're thinking the choice to come up with a logical reason for why you feel like that. So. Meditation, for example, is good because it separates you from your thoughts and then you're able to look at it from a more detached point of view.


OK, so we're really looking at. How you feel if you don't feel great about the first question, if you don't feel great about dating? What is there in your make up in terms of your beliefs, in terms of your expectations, in terms of your new model of how things work, something in their. He's creating that that feeling. And so it's working out what the what the floor is and. How then you sort of instill that into your operating system?


Does that make sense? Um, yeah, kind of. It's quite vague, okay, so if you. OK, so let's say, for example, you are really uncomfortable on dating sites. There's something about your expectation of what's going to happen. There's something about your beliefs, you know, the dating sites are toxic.


People are not really looking for relationships and that the way that's going to play out is you're going to feel bad about dating sites. You're going to expect bad things to happen. And so you're probably not going to go a hundred percent, you're going to be withdrawn. And so when you read the message, you're going to be expecting bad intentions from someone. You mean Mrs.. This message. Yeah, oh, yeah, or sometimes like a message can be ambiguous and you're going to go to a negative perception of that.


So the agenda is so negative perception when their perceptions are available, that type of person know it depends.


But if you have a preexisting belief that people on dating sites are only looking to hook up, no one really cares and people treat people badly, then you're going to have a negative perception.


Why do that kind of preconceived notions that you have is a lot, OK? Yeah, well, a lot of people do because OK, so basically dating site is a new ritual. It's a new environment for us.


And. Most people haven't really worked out how to use them. And so what you've got is you've got a lot of her bitter people who don't really know how to express themselves. They get no, no, no, no, no all the time. They're feeling bad about themselves. And so then they can. Like, send out nasty messages and. If you were in a shop and someone was rude, you'd probably say they're rude. But on a dating site, it seems so much more personal because it's you, it's like you up for sale.


And so with that comes a lot of anxiety. And with that anxiety. It makes you feel bad and it makes you feel that someone is attacking your value if you feel insecure. So, like, if someone sends a message and you blatantly know it's not true, it doesn't affect you, but if someone says something that in your head you were already saying. Then you tend to give it more value and it hurts. So if you come to something with that sort of view.


Then you're going to go to the negative perception if you come from a point of view that, OK, right, let's look at the facts, 95 percent of people on a dating site really do want to meet someone special. Some of them are stupid and don't know how to send messages. Some of them lack social skills, but deep down, they're good people. Someone sent you a bad message and you say, OK, this you like this poor guy doesn't know how to send messages, you get rejected all day.


He doesn't have very much emotional intelligence and he's just venting his anger, then that doesn't hurt you so much. And so you then go to the more positive. Does that make sense? OK, well, it's good to know people feel anxious, anxiety with dating sites. I didn't know that before, so I don't know what I don't know.


Yes, I know lots of lots of people do. And also for men and I don't know, you know, like whenever you're interacting with men or women. For many, the experience tends to be massive rejection and. So there can be a lot of anger and hostility from a small section of people, when you say national, you say average man, right? I'm sure does not necessarily average because most men, men will get maybe 20 percent.


Men get 80 percent of the woman's interest. Yeah, and even probably smaller than that, yeah, I mean, that's definitely true. So. So when you go to that, like the 80-20 rule, it's actually 95, five, but 80, 20 is like a more believable number. So women, typically women will typically look for a man in the top 30 percent of looks, top 10. Top 10 percent of the top 30 percent in intelligence overseas for the job.


So right then, right, just the percentage of men who are successful, who are over six is fourteen point one percent of population. So when you overlay like a doctor who's over six foot who's. Good looking that, yeah, for them that, you know, like Texas has gotten, so they have a lot of thousands of women chasing them. Whereas most men are after showing in terms of personality. And few men know how to do that on a dating site.


OK, well, I don't relate to that because I think every personality type is attracted to certain other types. I'm sure there are a variety of personality types of both men and women on dating sites, so the opportunities are fairly equal. I think these mobile looks well when it comes to looks.


I mean, women also know also we have a broad a broad spectrum just like a that, and most of those people choose to date on people whose attractiveness is similar to this.


So I don't think that's a problem for most people. If there is a problem, most people maybe a little bit delusional about their own attractiveness. I, I think I read somewhere most people look for a part in the school. Twenty five. Twenty five percent more attractive than themselves because in that less than twenty four. Is there more attractive, so there really are. So, yes, what slants the Watsky things with that is that men outnumber women on dating sites and this is because.


Men like when you look, typically, men tend to be more interested in easy sex. It's not necessarily all that they're going for, but there are a number of men that are just just looking for sex so they might be married or whatever. And this is true of women as well. But it goes more women tend to have more opportunities than men. Men tend to have to make the opportunity, whereas women are approachable. And so because of that.


Men have to like I can't remember the exact statistics, but it's only if you look at Wikipedia gives you all the statistics and men. I think they have to send 15 messages to get the same response as a woman will get from one from sending one message. And so when a man is looking for a woman for casual sex.


He's less fussy. And so what that means is that women typically will have the opportunity of younger men, more attractive men that are equivalent attractiveness to them. And so it can seem that they are more attractive. They can can skew bias of how they rate themselves as being more attractive.


Whereas for a man, there's a lot of women at once and first messages. And so that's sort of what slants the the perception.


Do you think the most narrow looking for women younger than themselves? Yes, so generally speaking, OK, so like I said, when you when you're dealing with men, what you have to understand is men are slightly more delusional. Men are have less social awareness and intelligence. And so what this means is that if you look on I think it's like a Cupid. And if you look when a woman is 20, she's looking for a man who's like twenty five women.


When a woman is 25, she's looking for a man who's about 30. When she's 30, she's probably looking for a 30 year old. When she's 35, she's looking 35 to 40. When she's 50, she's looking 45, 55. When a man is 18, he's looking for 22 year old, when a man is 22, he's looking for 22 year old. When a man is 30, he's looking for 22 year old. When a man is 50, he's looking for 22 year old.


And so I talk to a lot of men and I can remember towards men and they're like, you know, I've only got one day last year and I got no responses. And, you know, this is just so frustrating. I just don't understand. And so when you boil it down, he's a man like similar kind of looks similar kind of age to me and society guy who is messaging. And he got, well, 20 to 25.


And are you looking for the more attractive 20 to 25 year olds?


Yeah, I'm like, she's getting a thousand messages a week or a month. Everyone on every man on the site is looking for her. What's going to make you stand out? And there's a delusional quality.


So so there's evidence that I know I'm not saying that all men are messaging 20 year olds because I was put up, someone said to me, just put up that you're 21 and see what happens. And it was insane. Absolutely insane. I was 15, so I know what you mean. I was absolutely gobsmacked. But yeah.


And but, yeah, there's a level of delusion, reality to men that women seem to to see. I don't know. I think he's perhaps a focus on. What they're getting and is like feeling like, I don't know, I haven't quite worked out, but it's known that men.


Perhaps shoot too high. I think when you meet people in real life, I don't think you get that because obviously I'm over 50 and I you know, I get you know, I get people wanting to talk to me, to chat to me, but I don't get I get very little response on a dating dating website. Because I am honest about my age. So, so so you'll find it easier to reach man in person than on dating sites for you personally?


Well, I haven't been on loads of dates, but I'm just saying I do. You know, you can tell whether people are interested or they're quite keen to chat to you. And I get a much more positive response when I go out. OK, and I don't get any very little response, very weird experiences when I'm dating site. Do you do you send many messages? I don't I have to say I don't send messages, no.


So I'm not that. Sorry, I haven't really got my profile. I rewrote it about four times, but I you know, I do mention Buddhism, but I think that's what these people I don't know if I think there's lots of interest in Buddhism.


Do you think it depends on the Web, on the dating site? It can be, it can be, but you have so if you go like plenty of fish, you've got everyone. It's like being in the bar. If you go Christian dating, then you've got Christian people. So if you go I think Luman is better for older people. It's. So middle aged. They obviously probably got less users overall, but perhaps more more toxic. Oh, I just got I've got involved in the chat that close the rooms so you can just try different different dating sites.


But sending messages is the best way you can stand out and say, well, I just want to make you aware this is the main room. This is recorded. Are you comfortable with our conversation being part of the recording? An audio video. Or just audio? Well, I'm OK. I've met someone you've met in my life already. But last week I was at the meeting once, so I'm curious to hear what you have got to talk about.


OK, that's why I'm here. So, yes, I mean, people look at my relationships or I think most people are. So for you, it would be life in terms of what am I expecting from a relationship, from the relationship and like how that's going to affect how your interactions are and all those kinds of. Aspects, OK? So did anyone get any points of clarity or questions or comments that they'd like to share quickly? I think mine is going to be my naivete, I suppose, because I'm getting into this, so I'm expecting to make lots of mistakes along the way of not so because I don't know what type of lineups I'm expecting my role will be.


That's what I'm trying to read it so that I don't have high expectations because I expect to make mistakes and things like that. But in terms of each other and what's going to limit me, it may be that I haven't really has problems in terms of relationships in my life, and that's my role again. So I suppose the experience of just good trying to you. Right, like. Yeah, I think the best thing that you can have is a willingness to make mistakes because none of us have it all worked out.


And so we're all going to make mistakes. But one mistake, people get so anxious on first dates and things like that, they go, if I say the wrong thing, if I do, the wrong thing doesn't matter. None of it matters. It doesn't matter what you do, obviously, as long as you don't hurt people, as long as you don't do something that you're going to you have to live with that.


You're going to feel bad as long as you're living with honor, that you're living, that you feel good about yourself, that you're being kind. None of the rest of the rest of it matters. It doesn't matter if a relationship works, if you have the skills. You can never guarantee understand what the other person is doing, but if if you it is all about how you live and if you live with that attitude, with that integrity, with honor, then.


Everything else around it. Okay, so the next level. So what we've had is, is attitude and attitude is really important because it determines the enthusiasm and so the activity that you're going to put into your relationships. We've had alignment, which is going is what's going to determine what problems you can have.


And the fact is that we're all going to have problems in relationship. It's just we're all going to have problems in life and it's how we how we deal with them.


Sandra, if you adjust just kind of ta ta before you move on to the next point, Rob, it just occurred to me that in terms of lessons learned, lessons from the past, I'm speaking for myself. Having been married and resolving to close that off, I no longer feel pressured to have a relationship that needs to end in marriage, so. Any relationship that I enter into is going to be on the basis of the value of the relationship itself, rather than me looking at the relationship as a.


As as something that is going to get me married. Yeah, right, so, you know, so my focus will then be what I'm getting from the relationship as it progresses to whatever it is that may not progress very far, but what I'm getting out of it and that is that's my goal. Yeah, yeah, I think that's a really important distinction people typically distinguish between marriage and. Another relationship is like and I think because culturally marriage is the ultimate commitment, but the real important distinction is, is the quality of the relationship.


And when you look, we have a marriage which demarcates like a committed relationship and it should. Have an impact on quality, but isn't necessarily quality. Lots of people are in marriages that are poor quality and other people are in relationships that are much higher quality. So, yeah, it's about.


Yeah, calling itself out of the vehicle.


OK, stoate we've had the Asaji, the alignment of what problems are going to line up and the next one is on. And just before I move on, like in terms of you should expect and welcome problems I think and a problem doesn't mean there's anything wrong with the relationship. It means there's something wrong with the ideas of that we have about the relationship and the problems is the way if we can pick them up early, we can fix them. OK, and so the next one is ability.


So if you're dating, what dating skills are holding you back? And if you're in a relationship, what relationship skills are holding you back from having the relationship of the quality that you want? Is that clear enough? Okay, so we'll go there for another ten minutes. Hi, Homer, hi, Arena. Hi, Katerina. OK, did you want to stay here if I were? What's happening now? Now we're talking about what skills, dating skills, relationship skills.


OK, I'm go the room if you want me to go in the room, OK?


You can I can you. To a room or Maddie's having connection difficulties and is talking here.


OK, it's right here. OK, it's recorded here as long as you're aware of that.


Yeah. Oh yeah. You're welcome to stay with us. It's nice to have someone to talk to. Normally I'm just waiting for someone to drop out.


I'm ready. OK. OK, so what skills do you feel? You would need to develop or. Gosh, I think I'm learning to on a slow dating few weeks back, and I think I was very yeah, just sort of relaxed, friendly, smiley, actually I think smiling is really important. And that, yeah, what slow dating, it's been like speed dating back then, you get an extra minute, but it was online.


I felt it was all I was two years very widely dispersed in terms of geographical area. Yeah, that would be hard to you know, Taunton Cheltenham is too far from where we were, so OK.


But I mean, it was fun and I enjoyed the evening, and I think at the end you choose people that you want to keep in touch with, and I chose people due to geographical areas. But I did actually look to see that six people said that they wanted to stay in contact with me. And that was really nice. But I just felt actually it's too far apart. And yeah. So nice, though. Yeah, well. So that's that's the kind of thing I quite like, actually, is that that fun element of just sort of being there in the moment and it's not too onerous.


Yeah, no. I've done it. I've done one of those sort of events. Yeah, yeah. What about your dating skills? What do you think you need to be talking about my ex and dating skills or my bad dating skill level?


Quite sure show your excellent acting skills. I'm quite good at engaging with people and meeting them.


And listening and. And then. Yeah, then it's that whole damn war thing, I'm never quite sure. And it makes me wonder where I'm at and what I'm actually wanting to say whilst I'm still being a single parent, I'm not particularly wanting and it's taken me eight years to work this out. Somebody in my house with me, living with me whilst I've still got kids, I just I don't want to put them through that and. I think that's really where I'm at, so I'm happy to have someone that's out there but not in with me.


And so really it's a bit odd, actually, because other people I know just get on with it. And I think, why am I so protective of I don't know.


Why am I hearing horrible stories, don't worry about step into their lives. And I don't know why I'm like that.


It's it's a strange thing, really. So. No, I think it's protective. I think the dynamic can change. And I think you're right to be cautious. And there's a lot of you here have gone to look at the other rooms, he'll go on to the other chat rooms to see what they're doing. Yeah. Ali, I want to ask him, if you get to over 50, you and your female, what age are you looking for?


What's an interesting one? Because I seem to be looking at men in their 40s, but I think men in their 60s seem to be looking at me.


I'm looking at the people I've met, 50s, 60s. It's it is different. And then I was worried that I'd be looking after somebody that was actually significantly older and that didn't seem quite wise to me. So I'm I'm I'm wondering about age, actually, and whether I want to go from being a parent to looking after a little man.


It depends on depends on the man. Actually, it does tell you that you can't predict you can't predict these things. No, but it is it it's. Sort of, I think I fancy men in their 40s, but I don't necessarily know if I would have the energy to go into one of them, I don't know. Depends. It really depends. I'd probably more I'm probably I think just somebody around my age range, I think is probably.


And of course, I think it also. So I've met the last person I met. Their kids were 40 and 37 and mine. My youngest is still at high school and it's a huge I just thought, gosh, that's quite different. It didn't seem that relevant. But yeah, I was like, gosh, you must stop short when you were 12, you know, but now you're doing different bits of life. What are your bad dating skills?


Probably my boundaries were a bit shit. Yeah, I do get challenged on things sometimes I think. What do you want to do? What is your the right thing to do? And what are you actually going to do? I think boundaries are strange things. Sometimes I think my boundaries are too, too tight to kind of like I basically won't let anyone get near you with a bargepole kind of thing.


I've got like a book covered. Is your protector then.


Great year, isn't it? Do you want to hold my hand? No, not at all, ever. It's great. So can I put my hand on your leg, which is. No, no, I'm. No. Yes, my ex, who I'm really good friends with and basically said he was a bit like since remotes climbing the castle, fighting off the dragon.


Well, you see, Rob would agree with that. That's absolutely what we were to expect, is it not, Rob, that you're on mute? He's looking thoughtful. I starting my Internet knocked out and now I've joined, but I can't I've lost control of the breakout room, so I'm just trying to work out.


So my important question is, as a person in the mid 50s, what age group should I do? I commonly with my cohort look at in a date.


Because you stopped at 50, I thought, go on. And women in their 60s or it's just stopped, I thought she'd choose men in their 20s. Is that where I should go if you get your office? Do you get the offers?


Do you like the young man who just seriously go away or.


I love all the women. Oh, I'm not really you know, there's a picture of a 12 year old and they say I'm not really forty seven. Do you think.


You know, it's like I've heard a lot of men or like young young boys, I love old women and don't they they think that, like with it, it's just another example of men just not really thinking through how that comes across or what that means. And it's like, yeah, yeah. No, I think I, I believe similar ages. I don't think age gap relationships. This is of course there are contradictions.


But I think, you know, like if I was going to be messaging girls in their 20s, then maybe I'm going to eventually find one. But it's probably because she's got daddy issues or something and that's why she's with me. And sooner or later she's going to grow up. And I'm like, you know, why am I really some guy who should be pushing around in a wheelchair?


Yeah, someone yeah. Someone is fit and strong and can push me up hills and. So, yeah, I think that it's not necessarily I.


Don't believe that Ajka relationships are. I think there's other factors in there and. So typically. Like a young girl, and sometimes they're looking for someone who's in control and someone who can show them the world. But what about us?


And what about us to about ourselves as well? Yes. Get the man.


Okay, if you will. I'm saying what I was going to say.


And yes, this is basically what I was going to say was, was as they grow, they change and that becomes controlling. And so the other way around kind of work. Yeah, I mean. Of course, Cat, but. I don't know, and he probably. Because in 10 years, people are in different life spaces. Yeah, you know, like they're going to change. And when they change, like if it's someone that young do they want children and they need someone younger.


And that is that's happened to a friend of mine very recently. Yeah, and I know it's fine.


It's fine. And from the start, because of yeah. Someone ultimately wants children and.


Like in 10 years, when they're ready, you're not going to be in a place, then that's that's the sort of thing that is a deal breaker. Are they? You know, in 10 years time, are they going to be is there someone a lot younger that's going to be flirting and, you know, like in every relationship, the passion, that is a different type later. That's the thing you've got to recognize that when you in your 50s, you know, your body deteriorates to the relationship.


Sorry, Rob, we can't hear you.


Yeah, my Internet is really bad today, so I'm going to leave you to talk because I need to sign in so I can get control of room, get people back from the control back, you know, be the man because they're going to be they're going to be stuck in in a breakout room.


All right. So I'll leave you to talk and then you don't recall we're talking about.


Well, it's it's recorded.


And I'll listen to it later. We'll make sure it's delicious. What would be a principle, but a principle on principle is what could he not use what we can do to make it unusable in a podcast?


We'd have to get smart and dirty in our private vocabulary, wouldn't we? OK, that that might.


Well, he's listening. Still. He's listening still. Yeah. No, I can't work out how to because I can return to the meeting which just takes me here. OK. Um yeah.


So I think it's quite OK that I didn't think eight years ago when I became single. Now I would be looking at the people I've met recently have been towards 7C and think of what's going on.


Why is that happening.


I don't quite understand it.


Yeah. Yeah.


And the person, not the person I met that was never my own age is absolutely besotted with me. But I can tell I just having given him a few dates and the time and stuff and I actually like it's.


No, just a.. Yeah. You know, I didn't I wanted to give it some time because I'd read that stuff with Joel Grey saying, you know, don't go for the guys you fancy, let the men show you who they are. And I'm like. I thought, OK, and then when you get to that creepy oh flick, I really can't do that. Interesting that you just said, don't go for men that you fancy.


Yeah, I think I think I was I was wanting to hear that because I think sometimes if you fancy them, your boundaries are even more sloppy and you can end up. May be moving too quick on certain levels, what he did when he got home, but I think I really have gone out with somebody I really fancy, actually, but it's yeah, it does affect how you behave, I think infatuations for them.


But I don't think I've ever really ever gone out with anyone that really, really fancy. Now, maybe that's a good thing. Have you been married? No. Dr.. Women, can either of you comfortable with them? You have used the same in. Yeah.


Do you want some help? Yeah, can I get one of the co-host? Oh, no, I can't, because I'm not a host at the moment, because if I leave, I, I'm not I'm not hosted. A meeting should probably carry on. So I'm going to. Who is someone else posting? Now, because when I got knocked out, I've come back in, but I don't have, like, the control, so I'm going to leave the meeting and sign in and then rejoin.


Right. OK, and hopefully I'll be back, but I'll be back in a.


This weird. I think, you know, I was joined by many families and women are from Venus. He does lots of podcasts and I listen to some of those. And he was just talking about boundaries and about, you know, men are much more likely to, you know, chase until I get sex and then they'll disappear. That's what he was saying. If you don't actually fancy them and it's much easier for you to say, no, get off me and then you'll have more chance of getting to know the man before they run off.


Because if you've have sex and that was all I really wanted, you know. And so I thought it was quite an interesting strategy. But I mean, I think a lot of what I thought of it really was a bit old. Oh yeah, I read a really good book, actually, which I liked, and it was basically about the single chap, something like that. And it was kind of like knocking dating sites and just basically saying that's, you know, the reason why so many people who are single out there is because we've got too much choice and we need to get back to communities and.


And try and meet people in real life situations, you know, because at the end of the day, there are so many dating sites because so many single people said dating sites haven't really worked, have they? So why do it, why there's so many single people out there? I don't know, because I don't think they were well. Well, that's one narrative, isn't it? So this guy is basically saying that, you know, you need to join join a group or a club or join some way that you keep you know, you meet people that you and it's about because of our friendship groups tend to be kind of like close bonding.


And what we need to do is put ourselves in situations where we're meeting lots of different people and making acquaintances. How many liters of water do you drink? Well. I'm not I probably think about free free of those bottles, so they're about to seep into the ocean because the water why?


Now, just go and have it. OK, I like what I I'm I think I'm so used to drinking lots that I get, like, dry if I'm not drinking.


Oh. Everyone's back now. Sorry, I'm having Internet problems, and I've clicked out a couple of times and I when I came back in, I didn't have control of the breakout rooms. So did anyone have anything that they wanted to mention all that came up or anyone feel any skills that they need to develop?


In our group, we started having conversations about impulse he. Neediness. Oh, I forgot the third one was somebody help me for my group. Um. But being very impulsive, being very needy were came up more than once.


The yourself, so wasn't that as well.


But does it open yourself up not to be. Oh, yes.


Yes. And opening up and trying to open yourself up to be fully responsive to to to the relationship and how it's evolving. Yeah. OK. OK, so we have one more question.


So what we've done is we've looked at the attitudes which affects how like the enthusiasm and how. And Magique. And putting two guys. We look at Amum, which is the next one is action. So what steps do you need to take in order to have better relationships in 2021? Is that clear enough? What steps you need to take? Yeah, well, so based on that. Okay, so in terms of where your attitude is, is it lowers that high?


If it's low, what what steps can you take to to improve your attitudes?


If you're aware of things in your beliefs and your, like, psychological makeup and idea or model of relationships that are going to cause problems? What can you do to address them before you have the problems? If you're aware of skills like dating skills, relationship skills, the. You can improve, so the big one in dating is. Messaging with the skill of choosing someone, the skill of knowing who to choose, so their skills, relationship skills in terms of.


Opening up on a day, not being nervous or whatever, zero. Hmm. So what better results next year from this year? Something has to change. New. So what changes will make the most difference to you and what can you do to make those changes? OK, so are we ready, ready for breakout rooms? OK. OK, so I thought with my girl and Sasha may have left. Yes, they have. And Janice, Janice.


I think Janice might be away from the computer line and you can we've been having a breakout room here. This is obviously this is recorded, but you're welcome to join us if you want to show where the core group.


So okay, so. What so this leads back to the initial thing of what New Year's intention and in so specifically in terms of relationship, what actions could you take? What could you do to improve your relationships next year? I think communication I was just speaking to the other group, I think communications is key for me because in some of the relationships I've been, especially the one because I used to be married. The other person didn't actually ever talk, so just more I would have to initiate the conversation and see what the problem and try and figure out what the other person was thinking and why they were feeling that way.


So I think communication, above all for me is key from the beginning. So because I think if you leave it for too long, I think the problem it'll just accumulate and it will just explode, you know, and this is where things go bad then.


So, yeah, yeah, I think when things are fresh, it's okay to say when, when, if you don't admit it, but style.


Yeah. I think for me, it's just trying to get out and dates, you know, and and try and let things evolve. I'm just just I'm not very good at meeting strangers, I think, and allowing the whole dating process and trying to enjoy the dates as well and not get too nervous and anxious about it. But just sort of. Yeah, so I think that's probably why my mom's baby steps, really. Yeah, and I think if if you're if you find we talked about this before, but the problems are it's like a dating pipeline and the problems are wherever and wherever they show up.


And so if you're uncomfortable like orange juice on dates or whatever, then have lots of dates and then sooner or later that will you get past that?


It's been a funny kind of way. I think I'm quite feeling quite confident about the relationship itself, because I think, you know, I've stayed very good friends with my ex and and actually with a couple of really good friends, you know, sort of people I sort of went out with. And that's for me that that's saying something about emotional maturity. So I'm not. I think it's about trusting. Yeah, I mean, it's so complex, isn't it?


But I think in terms of emotional intelligence, I'd hope to think that I've got. I've got the relationship material that. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's always about sensitivity to knowing if it's working or not working and then adjusting, and I think that that's really the key to it is. Being. Now, where? And as of it is becoming and being set and then adapting, because I think what a lot of people do is they have these kind of fixed ideas and there are signs of a problem, but they're so fixed in this is the track I'm going down that they don't pick up on the clues until it becomes.


And so that problem becomes bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger. And, you know, like Christina was saying, if you don't communicate about it, then that you should on it. And then it just becomes this colossal argument. Where is the more sensitive you are and the more open and honest you are earlier, the more chance you have of navigating the.


Yeah, I mean, it's always going to be a hard one, I think, trying to be open and honest and with how you feel about things, it definitely it's it's it's see, I always think you there's a certain amount of effort you have to put in so I can look at this when I was when my daughters were young and. Like, if I was looking after them, I think there's a certain amount of attention I have to you they have to have and if you like, if I was busy going about doing what I was going to do and wasn't there with them a lot, they would start they would cause problems to look for attention.


So I figured I'm going to give them loads of attention now, play with them and do these things. And then there's like a limit of of like they would then get tired and fall asleep or lights or break and watch TV. And then you have that time. And I think it's the same thing in relationships you cannot get. And and then you have written to the problem that is full of negative or you can give loads of attention up front.


And then do something else. Then if that translates, it makes sense to me. It's the way I see it. I'm I'm just going to go and check how people are doing timeline's in the breakout rooms, so I'll leave you here to discuss and I'll be back. I'll probably be back once before I go into the next breakout room.


What was the question again? I was just thinking, what were we talking about and what are we going to let when are we going to bring to the next year or something?


Oh, is a good one, I suppose, next year. In three weeks time, isn't it?


I think it's difficult to predict these kind of things, isn't it.


Yeah. I just think you could it be I think it's about to happen. I do a lot of meditation. I think it's a very if you want to know what's going to happen in the future, you've got to figure out where you're at now and if you're in a good place now and it's being open minded and, you know, conscious and receptive, and then you'll be that in the future, then you can't you can't guard yourself from the future.


You can only just accept. The future will be what it is and the future will be what it is now, actually, because now is your future if you're not mine. That makes sense. Yeah. It does, yeah. So I seem to make horrendous mistakes, like I kind of I might make John crazy and mistakes. It's the right trip over my own shoelaces and. Yeah. I think that's just my learning curve. Renee. I think we all have that, you know, within us, so we always learn by our mistakes anyway, aren't we?


Yeah, not always. No, I just I think we can get into patterns that we we aren't really consciously aware of. So we don't always learn. No, I'm not gay, that goes back to being a mind, just not. I think I'm being reflective. I think I do an after relationship, always analyze what went wrong, what could have could have done so, and I try to block those things out of my mind so I don't repeat them again.


And I just don't feel or not feel sorry. Rob, two sessions back and we were just talking about feelings and how we spent too much time in our heads and we analyze too much and actually we benefit better if we kind of like tuned into how we feel. And we use that as our guideline no. So don't get caught up in the narrative. What went wrong, which is caught up in the get just sort of reflect on the feelings. How do you feel at this moment in time?


You know, I don't see the feelings and don't don't don't put words to those feelings, but just let the feelings arise and then let go. Since you put words into those feelings, then you start to create your own narrative again and you start to analyze it and then get caught up in a sort of intellectual not analytical not. And that's where the patterns keep, you know, keep occurring. So it's about feelings actually, as and when they arise is easier said than done.


I'm not saying I know the answer to that, but that if you ever tried meditation is really helpful.


I do meditation mindfulness as well. Yeah. I think Rob is frozen, is frozen. I think he's frozen again. Yeah, he's gone. He's not there, summit, you're just Mehrzad.


When I had to jump out and then get the online shopping had gotten by that by being terrible tonight, I've been slipping in and out.


What I did here when I came back in was Manning was talking about sort of using your feelings to to guide you, and I think that's the whole point of a personal narrative, is that the narrative is this is the story that helps you achieve what you want to achieve. So if you feel. So if you don't feel 100 percent about whatever it is that you want, so we in life, we do certain things that we want and we work towards, and we do that in our careers and we do that in our relationships.


And so when we feel when we don't feel good. The real problem is that the problem with our narrative or the problem, so if you look at the different levers of how we can manipulate things so we can change the situation, but that's really difficult. It means changing other people. It means changing all the things. We can't change how we feel until we change even the situation or our narrative about the situation. But the easiest point that we have control over is changing the narrative.


So the whole point. And what Mary was saying was that we get lost in our thinking, and so when we we start to overthink based on how we feel and so the level of how we feel determines the narrative and so we can go round and round. Rationalizing how we feel and so what what we're doing with our thinking then is we're just giving logic to the emotion that we feel an emotion will always overpower logic. So when you feel fear, you straight away taken.


And so the fear then becomes why I'm not good enough. No one's ever going to love me. I'm I'm always going to end up alone. And so you become you then create the situation which makes sense to your brain. So the point. Of the personal narrative is the one that's going to take you from despair or wherever you are to feeling happy and enthusiastic, because when you feel happy and enthusiastic, number one, you come across better. Number two, you see the best and you activate the best in other people.


And you have the enthusiasm, you have the energy and you have the motivation. To go and do what you have to do to get the goal that you want, which is a relationship or finding someone to be in the relationship, so narrative is is really key.


So if you you often. Often people don't change. And the reason that they don't change is because it's the narrative is because they get stuck into narrative is a way of. So if you like, if you're feeling really despairing and despondent. Then you can't straight away feeling furious. There's no bridge from that to that, so from despair, you look for the little narrative that the little positive. So there's the old story you've probably heard of. So the narrative, it's like narrative about Native American.


Like Native American, and he's sitting there with his grandson and his grandson is been bullied and picked on and he says, I hate them and I hate them and I want them in this house. Yeah, he said inside you, this is a white wolf and a dark wolf. And the dark was going to want revenge and it's going to make you want to harm the white wolf is going to make you forgive them or feel past them. And one leads you to feeling better and being a better person.


And one leads you to feel and worse and.


For us, and again, being a Western, which means sneaking in every instance, there's a positive perspective you can take and there's a negative perspective that you can take. Your choice is to take the positive, because when you take the positive and the positive from despair isn't necessary. Is there really isn't any? So when someone's getting over a breakup. Anger is a great emotion. Not because you want to stay angry enough to hurt someone. But because anger brings with energy and so then you can use that energy to go from being angry to being to having like pride and unbalances, I'm going to do that.


I'm going to show them. And then the next step is from prior to understanding, understanding, it was never about you, you are the main character in their story. They were you were just an instrument that you were using. And then. Reaching all the way for it's a possibility that things could be better. So that's really the way that you feel better, and that's really the key to everything in relationships and in life, is getting yourself in the right state.


To. Get the best. From your situation and create better situations. So. Does anyone have any comments, questions or thoughts on. Their next steps are what they. Or anything we've talked about tonight before we close up. We were having a little discussion on the effect of covid on building a relationship virtual using it, you know, sitting and looking at the camera one on one with this person every day.


How does one inject fun and, you know, and all the other things that would be normal in a regular, you know, building a relationship? As I said, you can't even hold hands, you know?


So I suppose that's another dimension of skills that we need to develop because we are now operating in virtual reality and using that space to actually build a relationship with somebody that we may have never seen physically, you know, and how to keep that going, you know, because there's the whole issue of listening, which is very important when all you're seeing is just the image of that person having conversational skills to engage and keep them going and keep the conversation going.


And so I cut out with with parts of that. So if you look at people as being like an onion. The outside is the city and people am still talking or if I know you're talking, I'm talking. And so the outside is normally the superficial things. So when you look at a really deep relationship. What really connects people? Physical attraction. OK, so that's the first six to 18 months, the perceived interest in each other in the other.




So so if you look at the onion AKCA, the first layer is what you see. It's like the profile is the message. So once you get down that then it becomes you sort of you go on a date and you spend some time with someone and it's like the sexual tension. It's the attractiveness. Right. So that's another layer. And that's the excitement. And then when you peel past that, so when you've got used to someone, you've become closer to dating you in a sexual relationship.


So that plays out for a while. But how does the relationship then deepen is the authenticity. Is it like self disclosure that you've mentioned before, say, sharing part of yourself, the vulnerable side, The Daily Show to other people? Yeah, exactly, so the really deep connection is the stuff that it takes us knowing each other for a while. So what covid is doing is you're missing all of that electricity. From the last from the romance, from the thrill of this person and, you know, I want to get them naked and all of that.


So all of the stuff that comes in the early part of the relationship. That's been frustrated. But what it means is that you can can you so the challenge is, can you get to the real deeper stuff missing out the initial sexual attraction? And so. It's a challenge because it's a ritual, but what it can do is it can give you a deeper connection with someone. Because like that. Sexual element is a short term thing, attracts us to people and attracts us to the wrong people and it blinds us to people.


So that's the challenge. And what I can be is it can give you a really deep relationship so you can have a deeper relationship quicker. If you can get past that here. Which means unlearning some of the things that you in your culture, you have learned to do by rote, because this is the expectations on both sides and you follow that pattern to a certain degree. Now, that pattern is totally disrupted. There are no movies to go to.


There is no going out to the park or whatever it is.


I'm still going to be the physical attraction. And there's all kinds of things. Yeah, but but it's a different you know, people don't change. But what changes is the situation and the context. And so we have to adapt to those. And I think this is where we are now. We are the guinea pigs. This is us learning to do this new routine and to see.


But I suppose if you didn't and didn't have a history of relationships in the physical sense, you know, meeting somebody, then you would have no reference point. But most of us do have a reference point. And we are expecting that whatever it is that we're doing, even though the circumstances are different, we are still yearning to have similar results, similar and similar to the whole stuff. But maybe we have to readjust, as you've seen the order.


And it's essentially what the promise of eHarmony and chemistry come out and they try to match you with the right person, but it's it's. Think is very effective, but what you can do is by finding out something that you can connect to on a deeper level and get to know more of someone, you can do that for yourself.


And how are you meant to connect on a deeper level? I'm so. Rules if I in action a OK. So when you play a game, there are rules and the point of rules is that the limitation?


Creates challenge. Have going again. Yeah. And so I was trying to say quickly, so you find some commonality, you connect around the commonality, something, some overlap, like a Venn diagram I'm interested in. You're interested in what's what's the cross from there? You spark up conversations from the conversations, then you grow like spot into a flame and the.


I into a right snag, can I can I check on who they are and when you get through those layers? That's how you do connection. It's difficult for me to see. I went back. Right. I don't know if you got all of that right. Take five. OK, so how do you get a connection? You get commonality. Commonality is something that you're both interested in, something that gives you enthusiasm and energy to talk about once you have that energy to talk about, you know.


If you have at. Talk up the good work.


OK, I think I think I'm going to write the whole secret to relationships within that is brilliant. It was the most wisest, most epic of relationship commentary that anyone's ever had.


And hopefully it comes out and it wasn't just a live experience. OK, so I'm going to wrap up before because I'm going to be shooting on and off. I think my Internet connection is being me for tonight. So thank you, everyone, for being here. I'm just going to summarize what we did and then see you next week at the Christmas party. So tonight we were talking about how do you plan for to have a great relationship next year?


And we looked through four or five basic questions.


And the first question was, what are you looking for? What is your vision? What would you hope on rather than expecting or hoping for everything to be resolved and to have the perfect relationship next year?


We looked at what our relationship is an outcome. Of the way that you conduct yourself is way that you do that and in order that you can. If you do. So we have that if you a relationship is a result of your behavior and your behavior as a result of the practices and the habits that you you use, that you have. And so then we looked at attitudes.


So your attitude to dating relationships is going to affect how enthusiastic you are, how much activity that you do and how and the quality that you bring to that. So having a more positive attitude about dating relationships means that you activate more of the best in other people.


It means that you meet the people who are more attractive and more not attractive in a physical sense, but more attractive as they have the qualities that create a more attractive relationship.


So. We talked about personal narrative in the way that you rise, you improve your attitude. We talked about all relationships, create problems.


So you may have problems initially in the start of dating. And when you start school, then you can have a.


Somewhere like there isn't going to be a problem of problems, it's which talked in the breakout group about the difference between a fixed and a growth mindset and where knowing that problems are something that you can resolve if you change what you. Do an. And it's so tween the force and that and life works out and the model that we have is going to determine the problems that we face and adjusting the model that we have can prevent or resolve the problems along the way.


We then looked at skills, what abilities do we need to develop, improve in order to have better dating, dating experience and relationship experience? About war at war relationship. Next year, what difference can you do to improve the your knowledge, skills and confidence in terms of dating relationships? And. So what action can you take to have better relationships? So we covered quite a lot of things, and if you follow through these, if you listen to the recording now, if you follow through and ask those questions of yourself, then you.


Can come up with an action plan for 2021 in 2021, I'm launching the relational mastery system and a relational mastery system is the habits, the practices, the process. Two dating. How do you have the confidence, how do you have the minorities that results in better relationships? How do you have the dating skill and the how do you choose your partner? And then how when you've met someone, how do you develop the relationship? How do you build the relationship that has less friction?


So the relationship relationship, relational mastery system is the process, but it's also has support. So it's going to have a master class question and answer sessions and connection sessions.


And so that will be available soon from make relationships simple.