If your kids are fighting constantly, you're probably exhausted from playing referee. Maybe they're arguing over whose toy is whose, poking and teasing each other until someone cries, or telling you two completely different stories about what happened. And when you step in to help, nothing seems to work. In this free Beyond the Behavior group coaching call, parent Stacey’s 12-year-old and 7-year-old are caught in a cycle of constant sibling conflict - poking, teasing, hitting, and yes, even lying to get each other in trouble.  We might think that sibling fighting is about mean-ness, but actually it’s a signal of underlying needs.  Once you understand what's driving the behavior, you'll have real tools to help your kids work through conflict - and a process for helping them find solutions that work for both of them. Click here to download the Steps on How to Stop Sibling Conflict Infographic

Questions This Episode Will Answer

Is sibling fighting normal?  Some conflict between siblings is common, but constant fighting - where nothing you try seems to work - is usually a signal that your child is trying to meet a specific need. Once you know what it is, it will be much easier to find a strategy that works for both of you. What causes siblings to fight so much?  The reason kids fight is often not what it looks like on the surface. Common needs children are trying to meet through fighting include:

• Connection with a parent (when they hit a sibling, they know they have your attention!)
• To be seen/known/understood by you, and they don’t know how to express that, and they take out their frustration on their sibling
• To play!  A surprising number of kids will hit another kid to say: “Will you play with me?”

What are the most common triggers for sibling fights?  Most sibling fights start with an immediate need to play, a need for connection with you (and fighting with their sibling gets your attention) or a broader lack of wellbeing in the family that they express through hitting and fighting. Is it okay to let siblings work it out themselves?  Stepping back feels logical when nothing you do helps. But kids may think that you don’t care whether or how they fight, which doesn’t lead them to fight less. Instead, spending some time teaching them some new conflict resolution skills now will save you from years of refereeing their fighting down the road. How do you get siblings to stop hitting each other?  Sibling hitting is almost never just about aggression. There's usually something else going on underneath it - very often needs for things like connection, to be seen, known, and understood by you, and maybe even play with their sibling. Addressing those needs changes the behavior far more effectively than consequences do.  You can do this by:

• Connecting 1:1 for 10 minutes a day, doing something your child enjoys
• Understanding the major challenges they’re facing (e.g. school, new sibling, other major life changes) and supporting them through those challenges
• Teaching kids how to say: “Do you want to play?” and “Yes!”, “Not right now, but maybe later” and “No thanks!”.

How do you handle it when siblings lie about who started the fight?  When both kids are telling different stories, trying to figure out who's right pulls you into a dead end. Instead of investigating the past, shift your focus to what each child needed in that moment - and how to help them get it in a way that works for both of them. How do you resolve sibling conflict without refereeing every fight?  You can teach kids a specific process to stop their fights: name their feelings, identify what they need in that moment, and then brainstorm strategies that could meet both people's needs. Parents can teach this by practicing it in low-stakes moments first - not in the middle of a fight. How do you get siblings to stop tattling?  Tattling usually happens when a child wants a parent to take their side. When kids learn to identify what they need in a conflict and how to ask for it directly, the motivation to tattle drops - because they have a more effective way to get their needs met.

What You'll Learn in This Episode

• Why sibling fighting is often a bid for connection - and why that reframe matters for how you respond
• Why one child hitting another can actually be an attempt to play, not a sign of aggression
• What it means to make a "bid for connection", and how to help both the child making the bid and the one receiving it
• Why stepping back and letting kids handle conflict themselves can backfire - and what needs to be in place before that becomes a realistic option
• How to use feelings and needs language as a conflict resolution tool - and why starting with low-stakes moments between you and your child (not between the kids) is the most effective first step
• Why special one-on-one time with each child plays a bigger role in sibling conflict than most parents realize
• How to work with kids who shut down and won't talk - including non-verbal ways to stay connected in a hard moment
• A practical way to help even young children start solving conflicts together - including a real example of a 3-year-old and 5-year-old doing exactly that within weeks of their parents starting this approach

Jump to highlights: 01:48 Introduction to today’s episode 03:42 Parent Stacey shares the situation wherein her 12-year-old and 7-year-old are constantly fighting, poking, and teasing. Both kids have admitted to lying about what happened because they want to get each other in trouble. 06:03 Conflicts often start over objects, but attention, specifically connection, is the real driver behind much of the fighting. 06:39 Jen explains how we can shift from the negative connotation of "attention-seeking" to understanding it as kids looking for connection with each other and with parents. 10:58 Jen helps Stacey think about when one-on-one time could happen, like during drives to sports practice, and how to balance everyone's needs, including the parents' needs for rest and couple time. 12:45 What's missing is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in their interactions. 17:43 Kids try to meet the same needs over and over. Connection and autonomy are almost always in the top three. 20:13 Wrapping up. 20:33 An open invitation to join the next Beyond the Behavior call. 20:40 An open invitation to the flash sale on one-on-one coaching until April 5.

Jen Lumanlan: 00:00

The piece that I'm hearing that's missing right now is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in the interactions that they're having. And if you start to use this language of feelings and needs with each of the kids, you might be surprised at how soon they start using it with each other.

Jessica: 00:25

Do you get tired of hearing the same old intros to podcast episodes? Me too. Hi, I'm not Jen. I'm Jessica, and I'm in rural East Panama. Jen has just created a new way for listeners to record the introductions to podcast episodes, and I got to test it out. There's no other resource out there quite like Your Parenting Mojo, which doesn't just tell you about the latest scientific research on parenting and child development, but puts it in context for you as well. So you can decide whether and how to use this new information. If you'd like to get new episodes in your inbox, along with a free infographic on 13 reasons your child isn't listening to you and what to do about each one, sign up at yourparentingmojo.com/subscribe and come over to our free Facebook group to continue the conversation about this episode. You can also thank Jen for this episode by donating to keep the podcast ad free by going to the page for this or any other episode on yourparentingmojo.com. If you'd like to start a conversation with someone about this episode, or know someone who would find it useful, please forward it to them. Over time, you're going to get sick of hearing me read this intro as well. So come and record one yourself. You can read from a script she's provided or have some real fun with it and write your own. Just go to yourparentingmojo.com and click record the intro. I can't wait to hear yours.

Jen Lumanlan: 01:48

Hello and welcome to the Your Parenting Mojo podcast. Are your kids fighting over every little thing? The same toy? Whose turn it is? Who had what first? And then when you try to help, is someone lying about what actually happened? Today's coaching call is about sibling fighting. But even if you only have one child, stay with me because the strategies we're using work for any conflict between kids, whether that's siblings, cousins or friends. In this call, you'll hear from parent Stacey who has a 12-year-old and a seven-year-old and they are constantly poking, teasing and fighting with each other. And what's even more frustrating is both kids have admitted they sometimes lie about what happened because they want to get the other one in trouble. Does that sound like anything you're dealing with? If so, this is probably not the relationship you want your kids to have. And you might also feel worried about what this means for what their relationship will be like as adults and when your roles shift from you caring for them to them caring for you. What you're going to learn in this episode is why kids fight in the first place. And spoiler alert, one of the reasons is it's usually about connection, even though that may not make any sense at all right now. You're going to hear how to help kids make bids for each other's attention in ways that actually work instead of ending in hitting. And you'll learn how to teach kids how to solve their own conflict without you having to referee every single disagreement. If you want to bring your own parenting question to a call like this one, you can sign up for free at yourparentingmojo.com/beyondthebehavior. Then join me between nine and 10.30 a.m. Pacific on the second Wednesday of the month so you can talk with me directly about whatever is challenging you right now and get the support you need to be with your kids in a way that's aligned with your values. So let's hear from Stacey about the sibling fighting situation.

Stacey: 03:42

And I just found your link the other day and decided to look you up and worked out well that you had a call coming up so thanks for providing this. We've had multiple talks with our kids. You know, the oldest likes to poke and fight and tease. And the other one, the younger one is sort of learning that behavior back. And I feel like a little bit, it's karma because I definitely was teasing my older brother or younger brother when I was a kid. And so I know a lot of this behavior is normal, but we're getting to the point where we're like, just kind of wanting to take a step back and let them figure it out themselves, because nothing that we say is really working. And when we do try to intervene or help them, someone or maybe both of them is always lying. And they've even now admitted to Yeah, I sometimes tell you something different has happened, because I want to get her in trouble, or she wants to get me in trouble. So she's lying. And I don't know, it's like impossible, I feel like to help them with each little thing. And it's usually over something really dumb, or simple, you know, and so it's just it, it just gets really old. And it feels like we're talking about it every couple of days, like trying to like, okay, you know, and we just want to take a step back and let them figure it out. But it doesn't always work. Or I don't know, I'm sometimes they actually hurt each other. And yeah.

Jen Lumanlan: 04:54

Okay, how long has this been going on?

Stacey: 04:56

I mean, their whole life really, but not exactly but I feel like it's gotten worse in the last six months or so I feel like the seven-year-old has learned more of the, like, I think the older one was lying for a while, like, or, you know, stretching the truth or whatever. And I know some of that can be normal, too. But I feel like the seven-year-old has recently, or in the last six months to a year, maybe started lying also. And I just feel like the dynamic has gotten harder to like, help them through or…

Jen Lumanlan: 05:27

Yeah, okay. Any major changes in their life in that period?

Stacey: 05:32

No, no, I've been a stay at home the whole time, unfortunately. But yeah, I mean, nothing, nothing has really changed significantly. I'm talking about going back to work. But and I don't think that's enough to cause behavior changes.

Jen Lumanlan: 05:44

But okay.

Stacey: 05:46

And like, they know I'm looking for work. But I don't Yeah, I can't think of any other thing.

Jen Lumanlan: 05:51

Okay. What kinds of things seem to incite it? Do you do you see any patterns in times of day that this comes up or issues that they're fighting about?

Stacey: 06:03

It often starts with a thing that like, No, this was mine. No, it was mine. But you gave it to me. And you know, it's like disagreement or not remembering whose thing was what. So it's often over a thing. And sometimes it's just I think, attention. Honestly, I think I don't know if they're looking for intention from each other. The youngest especially I think she I know she likes to have time with her sister, but the other one is getting older and not as interested. Always, they still play together really well sometimes, but not always. I think attention is one of it. And I think both ways, actually.

Jen Lumanlan: 06:39

Yeah, I think you're right on the money there. And attention sort of has this negative connotation in our culture, right? You're attention seeking and so I try and reframe that as connection, you're looking for a connection, because that doesn't have the same sort of aftertaste that attention seems to have. And I think your hypothesis is a good one. And the reason for that is twofold. Firstly, my hypothesis would be when you see or hear them hitting each other fighting, you probably step toward them. Is that right?

Stacey: 07:15

Yeah, I mean, I've started to not do that as much as they kind of like, let them try to figure it out a little bit before I intervene. Again, because it doesn't seem to make a difference when I do or they don't .They don't necessarily stop when we tell them to stop.

Jen Lumanlan: 07:28

So yeah. Okay, so it could be connection with you. And then yes, also definitely looking for connection with each other. And as bizarre as that sounds, right, it's super, super common for kids to make a bid for connection with another kid by hitting them. Because they don't know how to ask. They don't know how to say, will you play with me? And for some reason, they think hitting is a way to do that. Sometimes kids are really into roughhousing. And so then you can see the logical leap that's happened. Okay, we want to roughhouse. And so I'm going to hit you to tell you to play. But sometimes it's just the best way they know to get somebody's attention to say, hey, I want to play with you. And so in that case, what we can do is support them in making bids for connection that the other person is actually willing to receive. So we can we can support them in saying, hey, do you want to play X or do you want to play X or Y, right? So that the person who's making the bid is making it in a way that the other person can receive. And then we can also support the receiver in saying yes, or yes, I'm willing to play, but not that game. Or I'm, I don't want to play right now, but I will play in half an hour. Or I don't want to play right now. And I don't know when I will want to play, right? So we can sort of help them to have those interactions in a way that doesn't mean that they fight to try to make that bid for each other's connection. What do you think about that?

Stacey: 08:57

Yeah, I think that's worth a try, at least. Yeah, I think the youngest especially might hear or understand that.

Jen Lumanlan: 09:04

Yeah.

Stacey: 09:04

Okay.

Jen Lumanlan: 09:05

Okay. And then sort of on the parental connection piece, you might predict my next question. How is your special time practice with each of them?

Stacey: 09:16

So I mean, since the youngest was born, we've been like, we need to make more one-on-one time with the older one, you know, and like, all along, we've known this, but again, the younger one has demands. And so it's just, it's hard. So my old way where things have gone now, and now then it becomes a rift between my husband and I. So we take turns doing bedtime. And when it's my turn to bedtime, I end up taking quite a while because like the 12-year-old like wants to talk and she you know, like, so that is our special connection time, but I end up spending like an hour in her room. And sometimes, you know, things have gotten later and later. So now she's going to bed maybe later than she should. And then we are going to bed later than we should. And so I feel like we're making that connection time, but it's then it's now straining on my husband and I's relationship and our sleep. And then the little one, I guess, I mean, she enjoys the bedtime stuff too. But she often wants to snuggle. And I think I do give her more time in the day because she asks for it more. And the older one, I think doesn't really let me in until we're in the, you know, in her room and doing that bedtime.

Jen Lumanlan: 10:18

I do feel like you're probably not with the younger one, right?

Stacey: 10:22

Because she's in bed.

Jen Lumanlan: 10:24

Yeah. Yeah. So the older one then gets you your dedicated attention.

Stacey: 10:29

Yeah. And I actually feel like we've, we've connected more recently, like she's starting to go through puberty and stuff. So I feel like she's open to me and asking lots of questions and things. And I feel like that's kind of actually helped us connect more recently. Then I'm grateful that she, you know, is having those conversations and stuff, but again, that the timing is, is tricky. And I, I don't, and she's in sports and stuff too now. So she's going to have late practices and things that, you know, that's just going to make it even later probably or harder to give that time.

Jen Lumanlan: 10:58

Right. Yeah. And so, so, so we want to be thinking about, well, what are the options that we have in our schedule to be able to move pieces around to, to sort of have these things happen that are so meaningful and supportive of our relationship right. And so bedtime has sort of become this, this time when, when you're able to have that connection because little one isn't around and sort of, it has worked up to this point for you to some extent. And so what we're looking at is, well, does it have to happen at bedtime? Could we carve out some other time in the day when little one isn't around or does connection with partner have to happen in the evening? Could you do breakfast together or something like that? How are your needs for rest and self-care and all the other things that are important to you fitting into this arrangement? And if they are awesome, right. And if they're not, then we're looking at, okay, yes, I am a person who has needs for rest, self-care and other things. And I want to make sure that I get those met and also that I help you to meet your need for connection. So what are some ways that we can meet both of those needs is essentially what we're going for. And so we're looking at timing at, you know, it's possible.

Jen Lumanlan: 12:15

Are you driving her to sports practice?

Stacey: 12:18

Sometimes. Yeah.

Jen Lumanlan: 12:19

Is little one in the car when you're driving?

Stacey: 12:22

Not usually.

Jen Lumanlan: 12:23

Okay. So potential there for one-on-one time, possibly it could replace some of the time that's happening at the end of the day. So, we're looking as creatively as we can at the whole picture to say, what are my needs in this situation? And what are your needs in this situation? And what are all the strategies we could use to help us to meet those needs?

Stacey: 12:44

Yeah.

Jen Lumanlan: 12:45

Yeah. And I think that also starts to get to you're wondering, well, do I step in and help them? Do I let them figure it out? The piece that I'm hearing that's missing right now is a real understanding of what needs are coming up for each person in the interactions that they're having. And if you start to use this language of feelings and needs with each of the kids, you might be surprised at how soon they start using it with each other. In terms of stepping back right now, I would hesitate to do that because they don't currently have the tools to be able to address it themselves. It's just, well, am I actually contributing anything that's helping? I don't know. So maybe I shouldn't step back. I shouldn't step in, but there's, there's nothing that's going to change about their capacity to be able to understand and resolve this conflict unless we support them in developing those skills. And so the most effective way of doing that is when you're, I mean, even as simple as how do we figure out bedtime in a time that actually works for everybody? If you're sort of taking that extra step to say, what are your needs in this situation? Cause they're so important to me and I want to make sure those get met and here are my needs in this situation. And those are important too. And what are, what are at least 10 strategies we can think of that would help us to meet both of our needs? That's real conflict resolution, right? And that's not just, hey, you're going to learn how to resolve conflict between you. This is embodied practice between you and each of the kids. And I've seen parents of five-year-old and three-year-old who then very quickly start to say, hey, what's going on with you? What's your need? Are you, are you, are you drawing on my picture because you have a need for connection right now? Let's go play. And then we'll come back together and draw together next to each other, right? Five-year-old and a three-year-old. And this is within weeks of starting to have conversations about feelings and needs between parent and child. So it really can happen quite fast.

Stacey: 14:50

Great. When you were talking with that about the three-year-old, I thought, I thought of my seven-year-old, even, even the pictures I think might help. My, my oldest hates when we start talking about feelings and the youngest, she's, she's kind of introverted. She's very quirky, but she's like getting her to talk sometimes is really hard. Like when she's upset, she's just shut down. And so I think maybe even having pictures that she could point to actually might still be useful. Yeah.

Jen Lumanlan: 15:16

Yes. Yeah. And a couple of other things to try with kids who, who don't speak, who can't speak, who won't speak, right. You can have that sort of the conversation by yourself. So, you can say something like, hey, I'm noticing that you seem really frustrated right now. And I'm wondering if you have a need for autonomy because you really wanted to make that decision. And you're looking for any sort of verbal or nonverbal communication. We're not requiring that the kids say, yes, I have a need for autonomy. That if they, if they grunt, right, if they turn toward us, if they just continue making eye contact, that's some indication that yes, they're in this conversation, you're on the right track. Any sort of turning away, any disengagement is no, that's not it. And then, and then you're sharing what's going on for you. Yeah, I was feeling really overwhelmed because it was so loud in here. I have a need for calm and ease right now. And I'm wondering, how can we meet? How can we find a strategy that meets both of our needs in this situation? If you have a need for this, and I have a need for that, what if we try X or maybe Y could work right. And again, you're sort of looking for, yes, I want to do one of those things. And so, this can work with kids that are super, super young, because very often our kids are trying to meet the same needs over and over and over again and we often are too. So for each kid, they're going to have sort of their own profile. And in, in my book, Parenting Beyond Power, I talk about the need’s cupcake, right? And so that's the idea that you have this sort of cherry on top of the cupcake. That's the three-ish needs that your kid is trying to meet over and over again. Connection is almost always there. Autonomy is pretty often there. Sometimes sensory issues, movement, other sorts of things make up that cherry. And then underneath that is the next three to five most common needs. And underneath that is everything else. So when you're trying to figure out, you know, why is my child resisting me? What are they fighting about? You don't have to go through that entire list of 50 needs. You're looking at, is it autonomy? Is it connection? Is it their other cherry need that I know comes up all the time? If it's not those, look at the frosting. If it's not those, look underneath. And I think that can make it a lot more approachable because of that long list. Even though I deliberately make my list shorter, so it's more, more approachable, it can be intimidating to think, well, how am I supposed to know right. But when you see that your kid is trying to meet the same needs over and over again, then you can just hone in on those first.

Stacey: 17:44

Makes sense. Yeah.

Jen Lumanlan: 17:46

Okay. So anything else you want to ask or say to get clarity on where to move forward with this?

Stacey: 17:54

No, no. I think the most recent approach that we started to talk about was let's take a minute to calm down. Like, so both of you go to find a calm down spot and you can do whatever, like read a book, whatever you need to do right now. And then we're going to come back and talk about that. And I feel like we did that one time last week and it did seem to help, but maybe having the language of the needs and feelings mixed in with that will help us get further.

Jen Lumanlan: 18:16

Yeah. After everyone's regulated a little bit, right? It's going to be super hard to do that in the moment. And I might actually advise not doing it in a conflict moment the first time. Learning a new skill when your kind of just regulated can be really, really hard. So if you approach it instead from some sort of minor issue that you're having and sorry, between you and your child. And I very often advise for the first time, it's okay if you sort of manufacture a little bit of a disagreement between you and what often works, your kids are on the older side, but maybe they really like ice cream. What works for younger kids is, you know, mom, can I have ice cream? And you've already decided to say yes to this. And so you sort of manufacture a little bit of concern, right? I'm feeling worried that you might not eat your dinner because I have a need to make sure that you're healthy and growing and guessing that you have a need for probably, you know, joy and fun and indulgence in delicious food. How can we meet both of our needs here? And then you're thinking about strategies. Well, I could have a teaspoon now and the rest after dinner, or I could eat it with dinner or, you know, any strategy they suggest you're probably going to agree to because you've already decided they can have the ice cream, right? This isn't something that you're not going to die on this hill kind of issue. And then you can kind of really shine this light on, we found a way to meet both of our needs isn't that cool? And then the next time an issue comes up is, hey, remember the ice cream thing? Remember how we found a way to meet both of our needs? Do you want to try that again? And so you're sort of doing this skill building between you and the child and then introducing it between the two kids. You may find that that's a little more approachable than trying to teach two kids a new skill when they're both dysregulated.

Stacey: 20:00

Sure, makes sense. Thank you.

Jen Lumanlan: 20:02

You're welcome. Anything else you want to ask or say to feel complete?

Stacey: 20:08

Nope, I don't think so.

Jen Lumanlan: 20:09

All right, super. Thanks for coming, Stacey. It's good to meet you.

Stacey: 20:12

Yeah, thanks for having me.

Jen Lumanlan: 20:13

So I hope you heard something in that call that you can use, whether you're dealing with sibling fighting or conflicts between your child and other kids. The big takeaway is that fighting is often a bid for connection, either with you or with each other. And when we can see it that way, instead of as defiance or meanness, we can help kids get what they actually need in a way that works for everyone. If you want free support with your own question, join me for the next Beyond the Behavior call. But if you'd prefer to spend an hour or 80 minutes focused only on your challenge with your child or communication with your partner in complete privacy, right now I'm doing a flash sale on one-on-one coaching. Pay for a package of three sessions with either me or Associate Coach Denise before end of day, Sunday, April 5th, and enter coupon code BREAKTHROUGH at checkout and get 10% off your payment. You can schedule your first call before the end of May, but the payment has to happen before Sunday, April 5th, to get that discount. Pick a time that works for you at yourparentingmojo.com/parentcoaching. That's yourparentingmojo.com/parentcoaching. And I will say that most parents I work with, I see them for about three sessions. So you can make dramatic progress on the issue that you're facing right now, whether it's with your child or with your partner, or maybe both in just three sessions. I'll see you there.

Jessica: 21:33

Hi, this is Jess from rural East Panama. I'm a Your Parenting Mojo fan and I hope you enjoy this show as much as I do. If you found this episode, especially enlightening or useful, you can also donate to help Jen produce more content like this and also save us from those interminable mattress ads. Then you can do that and also subscribe on the link that Jen just mentioned. And don't forget to head to yourparentingmojo.com to record your own message for the show.