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Beware These 7 Community Relationship Killers
Episode 33428th June 2021 • Everyday Disciple Podcast • Caesar Kalinowski
00:00:00 00:29:29

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Life in a community on God's mission is messy. It just is. Lots of relational dynamics come into play… hopes, fears, preferences, etc. Things will get complicated when you have humans working together! In this episode, Caesar gives you 7 community relationship killers that you'll want to watch for and avoid. You're going to need this! In This Episode You’ll Learn:
  • Why confidentiality is critical for a healthy community.
  • How unspoken expectations undermine unity.
  • How to deal with the "fixer" in your group.
  • Ways that leaders set the tone and ethos for the community.
Get started here… community relationship killers From this episode:` “If expectations stay unspoken, and probably everyone has their own... you’ll start to–or continue to–have conflicts and hurt feelings that go unaddressed. Without vision, values, and expectations about who we are, what we’re doing together, and WHY being discussed and agreed upon, you’re open to a lot of conflicts and unspoken hard feelings”
Each week the Big 3 will give you immediate action steps to get you started.
Download today’s BIG 3 right now. Read and think over them again later. You might even want to share them with others…

Thanks for Listening!

Thanks so much for joining us again this week. Have some feedback you’d like to share? Join us on Facebook and take part in the discussion! If you enjoyed this episode, please share it using the social media buttons you see at the top of this page or right below. Also, please subscribe and leave an honest review for The Everyday Disciple Podcast on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen. Ratings and reviews are extremely helpful and greatly appreciated! They do matter in the rankings of the show, and we read each and every one of them. Links and Resources Mentioned in This Episode: Free Download of the Big 3 For Episode #334 Coaching with Caesar and Tina in discipleship and missional living. Free Discipleship and Missional Resources   Join us on Facebook

Transcripts

Caesar Kalinowski:

Unspoken expectations within the community is a real relational killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And if expectations for how we're going to live together, be together, how often, what we're about, you know, what we're doing, the tone of it off.

Caesar Kalinowski:

If expectations stay unspoken and probably everyone has their own set of expectations that may or may not line up with yours.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Others in the community when that happens, you'll start to, or, or you'll continue to have conflicts and hurt feelings that go unaddresed without vision and clarification of our values and expectations about who we are, what we're doing together and why all being discussed agreed upon and understood.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You're open to it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Conflict and unspoken hard feelings that the enemy loves to twist and deepen and will use to destroy your community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So you're going to want to discuss those things early on as best you can.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Welcome to the Everyday Disciple podcast where you'll learn how to live with greater intentionality and an integrated faith that naturally fits into every area of life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

In other words, discipleship as a lifestyle, this is the stuff your parents, pastors in seminary.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Probably forgot to tell you.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And now here's your host Caesar.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Kalinowski man.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Oh man.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It is shot here.

Caesar Kalinowski:

This week are experiencing record high temps.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They're saying it's going to be over a hundred here in the next couple of days.

Caesar Kalinowski:

My old buddy Heath and I are supposed to be at a rugby game here this Sunday.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we're saying 102.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I don't even know if they'll play that game then.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Wow.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We'll see.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Anyway, not complaining.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We don't get that much hot weather.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Are you watching or getting ready for the Olympics have been watching the trials.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I think they're going to actually have an Olympics this year.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It seems like it's been a really, really long time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I am not the hugest Olympic fan, so I'm not like doubling down and watching all the trials and all that stuff, but there are certain.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There are certain events, certain sports that I really like, I guess this year they're introducing five new sports.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Apparently there's brand new sports, or at least they're starting to recognize them as part of the Olympics.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's going to be surfing that for the first time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So, yeah, that's a sport, I guess it's just judged like gymnastics and stuff like that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

A skateboard.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Sport climbing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's going to be karate and we're gonna have a little baseball and softball.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So I don't know.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I'm not sure.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We'll see.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I guess I'll probably watch a little of that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I'll tell you the one sport that is always been, or the Olympics, or at least for a long time, that seems to flip me out.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And this might be a winter Olympics only, but it's that?

Caesar Kalinowski:

I think it's called the biathlon where they cross country ski and then they stop and they shoot a rifle.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's one race.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's a weird.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Anyhow.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I don't know, enjoy that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I don't know how long we'll continue to have the Olympics in the world, I guess probably forever, but ah, it seems like it's been a long time and with all the turmoil between nations and oh, drug testing problems and all that, who knows.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So yeah, enjoy it while we have it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Hey, I also want to invite you to join me over on Facebook and join us really the committee.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We have a Facebook group there for the Everyday Disciple Podcast.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And you can find out about new episodes, upcoming training.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Sometimes I put resources up there and you can ask questions about the show or just life on mission in general.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And people are always quick to help.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I try to be in there regularly, almost daily, for sure.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And, uh, Give my thoughts on different things.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So get in there, join us.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The water is fine.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Ask questions, answer questions.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're a lot better and smarter together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You can check out the Facebook group by searching for it, or just go to Everyday Disciple dot com forward slash.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And if you're interested in learning a full framework for discipleship and mission, if you want to grow in your gospel fluency in everyday life, really be able to speak good news into messy situations.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Good situations, life in general, I'd love to show you how I'd love to teach you more.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Show you some of the things God's shown us in our coaching, and we can help you learn the same things and pass them on in your community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Let's set up a short zoom call so I can get to know you answering any questions.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then hopefully get you into a cohort with Tina and I real soon, Tina coach, as couples, four couples, and that makes all the difference in the world to get you and your spouse on the same page and learning together going forward.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You can find out more about that and fill out a little form.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Send me a notice that you want to set up a time for a quick information call.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We can talk, just go to Everyday Disciple dot com forward slash coaching.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's all you need to do, and you'll find everything you need, right.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, as we get started today, I just want to say and remind us, I've said it before, but life in a community on God's mission is messy.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It really, it is.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It just is.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And there's lots of relational dynamics that come into play hopes, fears major life events that are happening that take people in and out of the mission and out of the game are personal preferences.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All that stuff comes into play and things will get complicated.

Caesar Kalinowski:

When you have humans working together, they just do so today I want to give you pretty quickly seven community relationship killers that you're going to want to.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Some of these are very obvious, but they tend to just crop up over and over and all the years of starting and helping people start missional communities, we see these seven relational killers happening all the time, and it still surprises me.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You think the gospel would root this out more often?

Caesar Kalinowski:

However, some of these are well-worn grooves, so they're not necessarily in any particular order, but here you go.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Here's the first one it's dominant.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's someone who dominates the time of the community when they're together all the time, you know that person where it's always about them or their problem, or they've got to press their viewpoint.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then that just makes it awkward for others.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so, so much of the time that we have together can become all about that one person, or it can become about us trying to avoid that one person gaining the ear of everybody.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So that's not good.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So look for that and avoid that either in yourself or help others who might be consistently dominating community time together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Figure out what it is that they're really looking for in this community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

How can we help you maybe say that would be great to talk about that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Let's, let's talk about that offline or let's let's, let's get together next week and talk about that or something like that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Now there's another kind of dominating that I've seen also happen that can really kill community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

One time we had a couple of leaders in a Missional Community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Wasn't one.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I was leading, but it was when I was connected to, and then.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Had an area of disagreement with one of the young ladies, a single gal in the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

She was great, quite a servant working through some different things.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And there were certain things, really, not a lot, just an issue that she was in disagreement.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The leadership of this Missional Community over.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And they decided to really dominate that situation.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And because they said, well, if you don't agree with us, then you're not in submission to us or kind of got weird.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's a weird word usually.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so they wouldn't let her lead and she'd been leading within the community and serving, they wouldn't let her.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All that stuff.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They wouldn't, they wouldn't, you know, let her be her as they contended with one another, they dominated that situation and it really soured it for her and for many, many others in the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I, and I have to say, I've seen some of those people never really make their way back into Christian community and sort of remain bitter for years.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So watch out for people who are either dominating all the time or people in the committee.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Leaders are not who feel like they have to dominate and take charge of everything in not healthy or weird ways.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Here's the next one, fixing, you know, those people that are the fixers, they have to fix everyone whatever's going on.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Instead of just being there as a support, as a listening ear, as a help, they have to right away zoom in and fix everybody.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Oftentimes when we're first learning and growing and gospel fluency.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We can tend to see that new found language and ability to see the thing behind the thing and think it's really best used in swooping in and fixing everybody's problem.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, you know what, here's what you need to know recording scripture or going well, this is true of God.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so you don't have to believe that anymore.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And while it might be truth, Done in time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's not the right time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's not good in the moment, perhaps or in the tone that it's being delivered in.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You've probably been there.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You've probably had people try to fix you when all you wanted was someone to listen and be with you.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You were maybe just venting and being real in the moment, or maybe you've been that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's not great.

Caesar Kalinowski:

One thing you may want to do in your communities is together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Establish a commitment that as a family, as a community, if someone brings something vulnerable to the group, everyone honors that they don't try to fix that person.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Unless that person specifically asks for advice.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I read an example in a book called the cure for groups of how this might be happening.

Caesar Kalinowski:

In a real life situation.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I found it really, really helpful when someone shares something with the group that's is a bit sensitive or vulnerable.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It could look like this, like thanking that person for the comment and then redirecting things.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it might sound like this.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Someone says something and you go, well, that's pretty sensitive.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yup.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Before we unpack that I might be wrong, but perhaps Amy might just need us to listen to her.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I want to make sure we myself included avoid slipping into fix it mode.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I dunno, I do this sometimes, but I want to only offer advice when it's asked for what do you guys think?

Caesar Kalinowski:

See, it doesn't have to be awkward or weird.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's gentle.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It does redirect and get right to the point.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And if that person then says, no, I really want your advice.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I'm really struggling with this.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Or I was hoping you might have some ideas here or whatever.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, that changes things that opens up the door.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Also want to remind you that not too long back in episode, number three 15 of the podcast did an episode called why no one really wants your advice.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You might want to go back if you feel like.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's been some problems with you or others in your community being the fixer and check out that episode.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Why no one really wants your advice.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All right.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Here's the next community relationship killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's just.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah, judging others within the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's so easy to do when we get wrapped up in a little nervous and some people's oh, like relational capacity is different than others.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And by the very nature of being in community, you're, you're sort of rubbing up against everyone else's preferences and ways of doing things or attitudes and all that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we can kind of get judgy out of control or nervousness or whatever.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I can remember one time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There was a, there was a young guy, he was in seminary.

Caesar Kalinowski:

He was very passionate for Jesus and peopleand community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But one time he got real judgy with a young mom in the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

She wasn't a believer yet, but she was very much a part of that Missional Community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I can't remember exactly what it was that was said, but she had shared something.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That was going on in her life or a thought or opinion.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And he kind of swooped in and judged her for it and said, well, that's not what God wants for your life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then that's going to net you this or that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I think he might've even said, well, that's going to lead to hell or whatever.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It was really strong.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it was Shamie and destructive.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It certainly was not good news.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that situation was very, very, uh, telling and had great ramifications for both her, because she, at this point she got very offended and with good reason, And she said, I, I'm not going to come and hang out at family dinner nights with the community anymore.

Caesar Kalinowski:

If this guy's here.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And every said, well, we certainly can understand that it wouldn't be what we'd hope for.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And for at least two or three months, she really kinda wasn't around much.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we, we still saw her in community, but it wasn't the same.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And he was devastated by it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

He was gutted.

Caesar Kalinowski:

He really understood the community, talked to him about it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

He understood the error of his ways there, how he had judged her and it wasn't good.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And after some time had passed.

Caesar Kalinowski:

God humbled him and also gave them the ways, the words to be able to apologize to her and seek her forgiveness.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that was a beautiful thing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it did restore that relationship.

Caesar Kalinowski:

God was good in that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And she found her way back into more regular rhythms in the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And he learned a lifelong invaluable lesson and he's gone on to actually plant a church and lead lots of people to Christ.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And he's a great guy and he was then too.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But in that moment he got real judgy and it wasn't.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We don't want, we don't want to live that way in scripture.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Jesus says I did not come to judge people.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The father who sent me his command to me, what to say and how to say it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I know his commands lead to eternal life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So I say whatever the father tells me to say, I think way, way too often, we speak without first taking the time to hear our father's voice and his words.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And unless, and until you do, it's probably wise and humble just to be.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I know some of you are thinking right now.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Oh yeah.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, we're called to judge the world and this and that and all that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Listen, there is a difference of a right spirit that looks to honor God and be full of grace.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's a difference between judging and discernment.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We were called to be very discerning, but not to judge notice passed judgment on another person or their motives or their heart or all those things.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Be careful with that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Here's another one leaking, leaking has to do with confidentiality within the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's critical for a healthy group for healthy community life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

When we are living life on God's mission, there's a lot going on.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's increasingly people are laying down their lives for the sake of the mission and giving of their time and their money and their efforts laying down preference and all that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And the enemy's going to attack that, but they also are a gospel unbelief is going to surface like never before.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so we're going to be working on things and we're going to be.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Letting our redemption show and being honest about that, but we want to know that our community is a safe place to be, to let our sin show, to let a redemption show, to seek help, or sometimes just seek understanding as the spirit of God works in someone's hearts.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Leaking is a community killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We have something in our world.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We call DNA groups.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They're like triads of people, either three guys together, or three women, they get together and they really go deep and get to know each other.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that is a place that is safe.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it's not for outside sharing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we've seen times where either in community or in maybe one of the larger community, or maybe in one of these DNA groups, someone has mentioned something about.

Caesar Kalinowski:

W we're not letting anybody know, but, uh, you were thinking of moving.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're actually thinking of moving to this city or that, or whatever, and there'll be talking about it, but that was confidential space.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then all of a sudden they hear about that coming back from the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So everybody's like, oh, you know, they're having dinner the next week together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I go, oh, so you guys are moving.

Caesar Kalinowski:

What's going on with that?

Caesar Kalinowski:

And they're like, um, well, no, we're not.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But we were thinking and praying about it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But apparently that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You know, or maybe someone's pregnant, but they've not let everybody know yet.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then someone's like putting it on Facebook.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Hey, congrats.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You can't wait for the new baby.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And they're like, great.

Caesar Kalinowski:

My mom saw that and I hadn't told her yet.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Ooh, one time Tina and I had shared some stuff that we were working through in our marriage.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We've been married a long time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And at that point it was less, but it was still a really long time.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we were just being honest and vulnerable with someone we trusted in the community about what we were working on and there's some challenges we were facing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we were getting some help from somebody in the community who was a counselor for that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we were just working through it and we were letting them know and being honest and seeking prayer and all that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And this individual went and shared all that with the elders of our community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Completely out of context.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And I was one of the elders actually, but they went and completely, they shared that completely out of context.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then all of a sudden we're being called in and there's this big, heavy meeting about our marriage falling apart.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we're not above reproach and all these issues.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Oh, that was icky.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That was.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it wasn't good.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There was a confidence that got leaked and it led to a lot of, lots of problems that eventually got straightened out.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But literally it took, it took months.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And what ultimately happened was there was gossip, there was something shared in confidence that got leaked.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And then it was talk to about a, with a whole lot of other people that weren't a part of this weren't asked to be a part of it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Brought into that level of confidence behind our backs.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's like the very definition almost of gossip.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that's really the next relational killer for community as gospel.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah, gossiping will kill and destroy so much of relationships.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I've seen it just explode whole communities.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I've done a whole episode and post and all kinds of stuff on gossip.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's been very, very popular and you might want to check all that out.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You can go it's it's way back.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's episode one, 11, how to avoid poisonous gossip in your life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

But let me just give you a few.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Thoughts and pointers of why gossip is such poison in such a relationship killer in community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

First off gossip feeds a false sense of superiority in our own home.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah, it's icky.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And when we start gasping, it's like, we're taking this position up and above others.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Secondly, it's sews distrust amongst your, your, your group and, and your friends and your family.

Caesar Kalinowski:

When your friends or your, you know, people in your community here, you turn someone else down or even just talking sort of in a not good way.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Cause they're not.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Even when painted with a false sense of care, it causes others who hear you wonder what you might be saying when they're not around gossip also harms your, I think your witness.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It really does.

Caesar Kalinowski:

If you've got a Missional Community that includes believing in not yet believing people as well.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And there's a, oh, there's gossip going on.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So the groups haven't lived together and all of a sudden people are like, well, you know, so-and-so the, her and her kids, they don't know.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yes.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Or they never bring anything.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I don't know.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Like they're supposed to be bringing food or whatever that will kill your witness and just undermine the beauty and grace of the gospel and the kingdom of God.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And, and you know what else it does it in.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It destroys your integrity.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah.

Caesar Kalinowski:

People start to look at you differently and go like, wow, why is that person always got something negative to say?

Caesar Kalinowski:

Or I didn't think that person said or did was so bad now they're over here trying to build case.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Gossip destroys your.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And ruins reputations.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It just tears down everything.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's definitely something that you're going to want to avoid and you can see how leaking not being confidential often just leads right in to gossip.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So again, if you want to go deeper on that, you can check out episode one 11, how to avoid poisonous gossip and I'll go deep into that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All right.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Here's here's another one.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I think this is number five.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I'm not keeping track.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Like I said, they're not in any particular order, but here's, here's another community killer is not commiting.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Not really committing to your community, to the group.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You're a part of, you're sort of a consumer tire kicker.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You, you really only maybe communicate to quote group night or Missional Community night, even though you're trying to live like a family together, but not really much of the rest of life together or out serving togetheror you only are around when there's nothing else on your schedule and your life and your calendar and your priorities and your preference.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's not committing and prioritizing the group.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's a community killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

When you've got a handful of families trying to increasely live like a family of missionary servants out on mission together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And there's, there's some people that are just not very committed and they don't show up for stuff or they don't they're yeses in a, yes, they don't bring food.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Maybe when they're asked to, or whenever, like I said, we're out serving, well, we're a little busy this weekend.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're not gonna be able to do that or whatever it starts to undermine.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, what are we about?

Caesar Kalinowski:

And unfortunately the enemy gets sometimes a wedge under that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that leads to us talking about that person's lack of commitment, which then loops us back into that problem with gossip again.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I can remember one time we were having a group of people increasingly hanging out together and they were digging it and they were asking for more and, and I said, great.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so we started having a monthly, uh, so it was, it was a somewhat of a predictable pattern a month.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Sort of big family dinner night with all these different couples and their kids.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And that was going fairly well.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And people seem to be indicating they wanted to have a much more regular and consistent, maybe even beyond monthly time and mission and focus.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so after one of these monthly sort of family dinner nights, we sat down and we all talked about, well, what this could look like, and we're not a hundred percent sure, but here's how it could start to be.

Caesar Kalinowski:

More shaped and have more focus to our mission.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And we laid out the next several months.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And one by one, each couple who were great people and very loving, sort of backed out of everything.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They, they just wouldn't commit.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And really within an evening we went from, okay, we're doing these various things together to like, okay, well, if there's not going to be any kind of a commitment, the maybe, a lot of that's a waste of time because we want to work with people who want to live on mission.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And really commit.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And so it wasn't a Shamie thing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It wasn't a weird thing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We didn't say, oh, well then forget it.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're not going to see you anymore, but it kind of immediately just fizzled itself because of everybody's spoken non-commitment there again, it wasn't evil, but it was definitely a community relationship killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And here's the last one.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And this one is pretty big and you can see how in this isn't taken care of.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It might lead to some of the other ones and that's unspoken expectations.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Yeah, unspoken expectations within the community is a real relational killer.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And if expectations for how we're going to live together, be together, how often, what we're about what we're doing, uh, the tone of it off.

Caesar Kalinowski:

If expectations stay unspoken.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And probably everyone has their own set of expectations that may or may not line up with yours or others in the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

When that happens, you'll start to, or, or you'll continue to have conflicts and hurt feelings that go on addressed without vision and clarification of our values and expectations about who we are, what we're doing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And why all being discussed agreed upon and understood.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You're open to a lot of conflict and unspoken hard feelings that the enemy loves to twist and deepen and will use to destroy your community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So you're going to want to discuss those things.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Early on as best you can here.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Again, there's a, an episode we did just a few episodes back how to communicate vision and values in a way that will shape your mission.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It was episode three 30, go back and check that out.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And by the way, it's very important that the leader or leaders of any community model, the vision values and expectations of the group in their lives, you set the tone.

Caesar Kalinowski:

You've got to set the tone for all of that, but don't let unspoken expectations ruin your community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, we just started hanging out and we're doing this and that, but now all of a sudden, these people said, they thought it was about then wait a minute.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Why are you expecting that?

Caesar Kalinowski:

And you never committed to being able to be here more than once a week or right.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All those spoken expectations.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They start to destroy those tear things up.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Many of these things that we've talked about today, stem from gospel issues.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They really do.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're not believing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Perhaps God is great.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So we think we have to be in control and that leads to us trying to dominate, or we are trying to prove ourselves.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We don't believe that God's gracious.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're trying to prove ourselves and earn other people's approval so that we start tearing others down and gossiping to, to build ourselves up.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Or we place ourselves in the position of judge and we start judging everybody.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Else's motives and actions as if we are great and sovereign overall, I know everyone's hearts.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The holy Spirit's the only one who does, but we don't believe that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So, so many of these things are a gospel issue.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's why we're always saying, wow, grow in your gospel fluency.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's going to change everything.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The gospel is the answer to everything.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And if you're interested in growing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

The gospel fluency that speaks into all of life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's why we keep saying, Hey, we'd love to help you with that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We'd love to teach you that and how discipleship happens in community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All these kinds of things is what we discuss in coaching.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So if you, if you're ever interested in that, please let's set up a zoom call.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We can talk about that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We can help you start to learn gospel fluency, apply it to your own.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Current situations to your group, your community, all of that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So again, if you're interested, check out Everyday Disciple dot com forward slash coaching, but the bigger point here is that so many of these things, these relational killers really do have something behind the thing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

There's a thing behind the thing.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And it's unbelief in the guy.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Okay.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's time for the big three takeaways from today's topic.

Caesar Kalinowski:

If nothing else, you're not going to want to miss these.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And as always, you can get a printable PDF of this week's big three as a free download by going to Everyday Disciple dot com forward slash big three.

Caesar Kalinowski:

All right, here are the big three for this week.

Caesar Kalinowski:

First, the emotional health and maturity of the leaders set the tone and ethos for the community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

How the leaders understand, communicate our true gospel identity, who we are and how we get to live.

Caesar Kalinowski:

As God's family will shape everything you do and become together life and community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Our mission is messy, but it can be a beautiful mess lead with integrity and humility and let your redemption show second, keeping the gospel central in everything like we were just saying, and the way we speak to each other is.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Discipleship.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's the only in one and only mission Jesus gave us.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Happens as the gospel is spoken into and experienced in everyday life.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's our discipleship happens.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We have to keep the gospel central, uh, Missional Community is much bigger than a traditional small group Bible study or fellowship group.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's a family of missionary servants making disciples of Jesus.

Caesar Kalinowski:

As we move from unbelief to belief in the gospel in all of life and helping others do the same.

Caesar Kalinowski:

This isn't a social club.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Or a Christian hangout or holy huddle.

Caesar Kalinowski:

This is a gospel centered community on mission that we're hopefully building.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Hopefully we're a part of in number three, big three.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Don't miss this avoid unspoken expectations by discussing the vision values and personal commitment early in the life of your community language creates culture.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Talk about what you're all hoping for and would like to be able to expect from what.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Your group culture can happen accidentally.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's not good or intentionally.

Caesar Kalinowski:

That's good as you prayerfully discuss how God is leading you together on mission, but the choice is yours.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Have it accidentally happened or intentionally.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I hope that's helpful.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I hope that encourages you.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I hope that will help you avoid some of these relational killers that happen in our communities.

Caesar Kalinowski:

They can be avoided.

Caesar Kalinowski:

And again, the gospel speaks into all of that.

Caesar Kalinowski:

It's the answer to every question.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Well, time's up for.

Caesar Kalinowski:

I hope you'll join me next week.

Caesar Kalinowski:

We're going to talk about how the gospel changes our motivations and changes the motivations of those in our community.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So everyone wants to live on mission and prioritize discipleship as a lifestyle together.

Caesar Kalinowski:

So it's going to flow right out of this I think you're going to love it..

Caesar Kalinowski:

I'll talk to you soon.

Caesar Kalinowski:

Thanks for joining us today.

Caesar Kalinowski:

For more information on this show and to get loads of free discipleship resources, visit Everyday Disciple dot com.