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Clare: Offices of expertise.
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This is Clare.
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Danno: Oh, Clare, it's your
podcast partner, Danno, calling
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for our weekly business call.
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You sound so chipper considering your
atrophied muscles must still be present.
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I judge by the presence of
your hydraulic phone lift.
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Clare: Oh, yes.
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Well, the hydraulic phone lift is
doing exactly what it's supposed to.
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I mean, sometimes
muscles need rest, Danno.
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I just needed to, to rest my muscles
and let them fulfill their atrophy and
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then start them up again from scratch.
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Danno: Having gone back to zero, are
you feeling slightly stronger now?
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Clare: Yeah.
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Well, I'm, I'm probably at one,
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Danno: What can you lift?
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Clare: Um, I can, I can, I don't know
that I could say I could lift, but I can
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push the button that activates the phone
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Danno: That's so great, Clare.
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That means we can take off
the mental transceiver.
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Yeah.
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Cause that was actually, my brain
is starting to atrophy a little bit.
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So that's a lot of exertion.
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Um, Clare, there is some concern around
the office about your brain atrophying.
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Um, you know that we had a very, very few
requirements for the job when you came in.
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Clare: Mm hmm.
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let me guess who put in that complaint
or observation, Emily Horhound.
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I,
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Danno: voice, that tone and voice.
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You take that tone and voice
right out of here, young lady.
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Clare: I will double down
on that tone of voice.
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Was it, was it Emily Horhound
who brought into question
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Danno: Do you, do you think Emily
Horehound is gunning for your job?
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you
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Clare: she's got a six
pack guns on her belt.
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Danno: mean a six gun?
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you think she has a six gun?
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Clare: Yeah, I know she does.
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Danno: to come gunning for you at your
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Clare: Yeah.
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She's literally threatened
my life on three occasions.
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What?
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Danno: When someone nice like
Emily threatens your life,
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that's a figure of speech.
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your life is so minimal right now,
Clare, with your vinegar sodden muscles.
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You know, you're like an egg that's
been soaking in vinegar for a month.
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You're just rubbery now.
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Why would you want your job of flopping?
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around the office, answering the phone
with a mentally triggered button.
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That's all you can do anymore.
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Clare: First of all, I don't flop.
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I roll.
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I roll with
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Danno: That's admirable.
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That's actually a step
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forward.
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And I mean, step as a figure of
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speech.
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Clare: Well, you know,
here's the thing, Danno.
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I bring more to this podcast than Emily
Whorehound brings to the coffee clutch.
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I mean, that's her job.
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That is
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literally her job.
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Danno: she is fine in the
clutch, if you know what I'm
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saying.
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Clare: Oh my gosh.
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See, this is it.
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You're blinded.
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I mean, she puts the whore in whorehound
and I am not afraid to say it.
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I mean, I wouldn't say it in front
of her with her six pack of guns.
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Danno: Why does she care, Clare?
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What does she have to gain by harming you?
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Clare: Danno, I do not know the
answer to that at this moment,
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but I'll tell you, I am on it.
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I'm using my brain tree receiver
to get onto the internets and the
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worldwide webs, and I am going
to find something out on that
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Danno: Clare, you did just get a raise.
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Remember, we fired Chris Naughty
Pine, and we decided we would divide
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his salary between the two of us, since
we were now producing in his stead.
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I wonder if she's trying to increase
her own income by eliminating you
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the way we eliminated Naughty.
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Clare: Well, I'll tell you why I don't
think that Miss HH is on my side either.
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I've been trying to get more spinach in
my diet because we know that's the best
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Danno: Sure.
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Yeah.
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Good
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for the
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muscles.
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Good for the brains.
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Clare: And, she brings me
tofu burgers and slaps shods.
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It's
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Danno: I don't know where
she's getting her slapshods.
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Clare: And I don't trust it.
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I, I, I am sorry to coming, to
coming across with negatives, at
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this time, but, uh, there's just
so much going on right now, Danno,
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that I don't feel I have a, handle
on, of course, in my weakened state.
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Danno: in your weekend state,
your only responsibility has
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been answering the phones.
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Emily has still been running
the hat check out in the lobby.
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she's doing intake with the guests.
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Clare: And Danno, we've had some
complaints that she hasn't done outtake.
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Danno: I know.
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Good God.
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Our waiting room is just full of
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Clare: Yeah.
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Yeah.
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I think she's forgetting
that part of the gig.
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Danno: Okay.
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Do you mind talking to her about that?
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Clare: Well, I'm afraid of her.
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Danno: I feel like this is the
way to overcome that, is to have
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something concrete to go in with.
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this is a definite thing that you want
to solve, that you want to talk about,
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that you want to accomplish with Emily.
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You know, you ladies, you've
got to get on together.
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Clare: You're right, Danno.
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You know what?
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I'm going to work on that.
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I'm going to work on my
relationship with Emily Horehound.
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I'm going to come at her womano a womano
and see if we can't get on the same page.
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Danno: that's great.
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do wear a little protection.
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Clare: Uh, I have a hydraulic, vest.
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Danno: Clare, could I ask you
about an expense I'm considering?
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Clare: Oh, sure.
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Danno: you know, The ratings for
the podcast have been plummeting.
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Clare: Yeah.
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Danno: The, yeah, they have, the
ratings for the podcast have been
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Clare: Oh, gosh, we got to do something
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Danno: Yeah.
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You know, it's only this week
that your jaw muscle has allowed
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you to be speaking again.
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Clare: Well, that's, that's probably
affected some of the ratings, not
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having an actual podcast taped.
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Danno: I'm looking here in the back of
Mechanics Illustrated Magazine, and there
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is a series of classified advertisements,
um, This one says, become a podcaster.
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New York City podcasting school
creates professional podcasters.
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I sent a self addressed stamped envelope.
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I had to rummage through your desk.
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I hope you don't mind.
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Clare: don't mind a rummage now and then.
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Danno: Good.
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Good.
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apparently based on the,
uh, Envelope they sent back.
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I have been accepted.
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I have
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been approved for podcasting school.
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Clare: this is great news.
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This is really going to
take us to the next level.
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Danno: think so now it's mail order
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I mean, it's a correspondence course.
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Clare: Oh, correspondence
podcasting course.
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Danno: Yeah.
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So what do you think?
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Should I
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go for it?
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Clare: well, I mean, you've
already been accepted.
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Danno: So you start off with a
vocal training through the mail.
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And I guess I'm guessing what
we're going for is that, you know,
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kind of that rich, resonant, uh,
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Clare: Right.
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Opening up places in your skull
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Danno: Oh, Clare.
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Oh, Clare, be careful when you do that.
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Some of your skull places
are actually opening up.
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Clare: oh, sorry about that.
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Yeah.
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My plates have not yet welded again.
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Danno: yeah, I got to
get that spinach going.
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Clare: Thank you.
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Danno: And we'll get you some slapshots.
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Clare: No, I don't need
any more slapshods.
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I mean,
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Danno: then, uh, the next
step is, choosing a co host.
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Clare: Okay.
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Danno: you know, I'm really
looking forward to that chapter.
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I think there's going to be some
really interesting information.
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Cause I guess the idea is that
if you're going to do a podcast,
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it's best to do it with somebody,
who's clever, quick on the up.
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take, has a great speaking voice, uh,
well connected with lots of guests,
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muscles and bones that actually
allow that person to stand up,
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uh, vertically.
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you know, who would be great for this?
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Clare: Oh my gosh.
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Okay, Danno, you know what?
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I want you to, um, look into the address
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of this podcasting school.
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Danno: Uh, sure.
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I've got it right here.
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Clare: Yeah.
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And then I want you to also call up
Emily Horhoun's New York address.
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Danno: it's one, two,
three, New York Avenue, box.
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H, H,
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Clare: Yeah.
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All right.
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This, you see, I was even starting to
think as you were talking there, it's
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like you, you already run a podcast
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it.
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And you have a partner.
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You have a podcast partner.
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Hello.
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Hold on.
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If you can't see me.
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Danno: Oh, uh, oh, oh, there, right
into the, there, into the camera frame.
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Perfect.
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Clare: Danno,
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Danno: Huh?
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what?
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Is that a verb?
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Clare: She's having you
apply to the school.
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She's going to get inside your mind.
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She's going to convince you that
you need a different partner.
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And guess who is not going
to be around anymore?
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Danno: I was a little
suspicious that it was 4.
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99 for the entire course.
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Alright Clare, you've convinced me.
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Emily Horehound is out to get you,
and we've got to get out to get her.
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Clare: But Danno, she's
got an ironclad contract.
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And I know cause she took it from
pieces of my hydraulic situation.
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Danno: Oh, your iron hydraulic
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lift?
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Clare: How are we going to get rid of her?
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Danno: We got Chris Naughty
Pine out of his contract.
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Clare: Yeah, Danno, we're gonna
need to figure out, How do you
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solve a problem like a whorehound?
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Danno: You know how Emily
Horehound got her name?
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That's not a real name.
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That is her.
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Yeah, that's her office name.
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You know how people have
stage names and nom de plumes?
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That's her office name because
of the Horehound lozenges.
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She prefers the name.
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to suck.
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Clare: You need to
sleuth out her last name,
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Danno: I'm going to
sleuth out her real name.
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You sleuth out where she buys her lozenges
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Clare: Right.
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Danno: and somehow we can combine this
information into a devilish scheme that
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no one will ever be able to trace to us
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Clare: you know what else?
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Uh, it, it just as a backup,
I'm going to line the hats
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Danno: Oh, the hats at the hat check.
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Clare: Yeah.
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With that, that, what is that poison?
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If you touch it.
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Danno: Lead?
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Clare: yeah, I'm going
to do some lead lining.
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Danno: No one will notice lead
lining in their hats, Clare.
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That's good thinking.
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Clare: Yeah.
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So we can come at her
from the outside and the
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Danno: wait, wait, wait.
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wait.
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Those hats belong to our guests
that come into the offices.
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All Emily does is put them on a shelf,
so you will actually be brow poisoning.
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Our guests, with their
lead lined hat, Clare.
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I
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Clare: Danny, you got to crack a
few eggs to make a death omelet.
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Danno: Alright, I'm in!
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You know, it's not the murder
scheme I would have thought of, but
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Clare: What you're saying that lining
the hats of visiting guests with lead
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poisoning so our hat check girl might get
some on her fingers while we are injecting
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say, what's that almond poisoning?
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Danno: Almond poison.
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Clare: Hmm.
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Danno: You know, let's,
we are, we're going to
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replace her lozenges with almonds.
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Clare: up
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almonds.
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Yes.
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Danno: whole strip.
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Clare: With lead fingers.
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Yep.
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Danno: Clare, Your body may
be atrophied and barely able
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to lift itself off the puddle.
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on the ground that it is, but your
brain is operating like a mad genius.
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Clare: Thank you, Danno.
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All right.
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Let's get on this plan
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Danno: how do we keep this call
out of the hands of the coppers?
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Clare: oh, that's a, that's a good idea.
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Maybe we need to just take a little
extra poisoning to the police station.
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Danno: that's going to
start to look suspicious
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when you wheel down to the police
station, smelling of almonds.
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Clare: Right.
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Almonds and lead.
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I'll just say it's Christmas.
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Danno: It's a traditional
expertise Christmas.
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Almonds and lead for everyone.
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God bless us all.
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Fortunately, we live in a small village
where that sort of eccentric behavior is
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Clare: Right.
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And you know, I can blame so many things
on the smell of my hydraulic lift oil.
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Danno: Perfect.
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Now, I'm thinking we need to poison
police department before we poison Emily
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so that we can pin the whole thing on
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Little
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Clare: the police.
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Danno: no, no, Emily.
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Clare: on Emily, on Emily.
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Right, right.
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I lost the
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Danno: Emily Hole Almond,
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Clare: Emily Hohlamann.
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Danno: okay,
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Clare: going down.
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Danno: and that's the way
we're going to frame her up.
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So, I'm going to go off to, uh, I'm
going to go to podcasting school.
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Your job, meanwhile,
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Clare: Yeah.
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Danno: is to infiltrate
yourself into Emily's head.
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Every moment of life, you've got
to change all the monograms on all
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our handkerchiefs from H H to W A.
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Clare: Hmm.
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Danno: to Whole Almond.
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Clare: But wait, won't, won't
that give away that we are
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behind the almond poisoning?
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00:11:36
Danno: Well, you have to
do it surreptitiously.
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00:11:38
Clare: but why are we going to call her
almond and then poison her with almonds?
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It feels like we shouldn't mention almonds
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Danno: We're not.
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00:11:46
We are going to imply that Emily herself
has taken on this new persona in the
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same way that she adopted Whorehound
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as her name to office.
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00:11:55
Now she's taking on this
murderous name of Whole Almond.
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00:12:00
And to carry on that charade, she's
changing the monogram on her handkerchiefs
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00:12:05
and other places where her name shows up.
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00:12:08
Clare: So she's going to declare
herself Emily Hole Almond and then
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00:12:13
poison the police station with almonds.
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00:12:16
Danno: Exactly.
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00:12:17
Clare: almonds.
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00:12:17
What is the poison that
is made from almonds?
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00:12:20
Danno: Whole almonds are more poisonous
than any poison made from almonds.
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:
00:12:23
Why not just go with the
whole almond is my point.
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00:12:25
That's why she's Emily Whole Almond.
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00:12:27
Clare: Okay.
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:
00:12:28
Very good.
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:
00:12:29
Very good.
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:
00:12:30
Danno: All right.
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:
00:12:30
Clare: No one will be
able to trace this to us.
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:
00:12:35
Danno: I love that we've become
a crime enterprise, Clare.
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:
00:12:37
No one would suspect a comedy podcast to
resort to this sort of nefarious activity.
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:
00:12:42
Clare: I, you know, I just, I
feel like we're actually just
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:
00:12:45
rising to meet the occasion,
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:
00:12:46
Danno: Yeah, you're right.
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:
00:12:47
If we think of it as
crime, then it is crime.
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:
00:12:49
If we think of it as, um, solving
a problem that needs to be solved,
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:
00:12:53
Clare: that's right.
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:
00:12:54
Let's just, let's just do it.
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:
00:12:55
Let's not give it any second thought.
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:
00:12:57
but I'll tell you what, I,
uh, I need to take a break.
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:
00:13:00
Danno: Oh, from the podcast?
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:
00:13:01
Clare: I mean, right now I need to nap
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:
00:13:03
Danno: okay.
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:
00:13:04
Yeah.
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:
00:13:05
Alright Clare, did you ever
see Strangers on a Train?
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:
00:13:08
Clare: yes,
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:
00:13:08
this one time, the one guy,
I mean, he was abs, I mean,
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:
00:13:12
Danno: Oh no no, I don't, no,
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:
00:13:14
Clare: What?
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:
00:13:14
Danno: Not strangers that you
personally saw on a train.
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:
00:13:17
Clare: Okay.
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:
00:13:17
Danno: I mean, there was a movie
called Strangers on a Train?
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:
00:13:20
Clare: Not familiar.
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:
00:13:21
Danno: Ah, well let me,
uh, let me clue you in.
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:
00:13:24
The whole premise is that because the
two strangers just randomly happen
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:
00:13:28
to meet on a train, no one can ever
connect them together when they agree to
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:
00:13:33
commit murders on each other's behalf.
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:
00:13:36
So from this point on,
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:
00:13:37
Clare: we take the train to work.
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:
00:13:39
Danno: yep, that's that's
gonna be the thing.
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:
00:13:41
Clare: Okay.
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:
00:13:42
And then that's where we plan it,
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:
00:13:43
Danno: No, it's already planned,
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:
00:13:45
Clare: but
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:
00:13:45
Danno: but by taking the train, no
one will ever be able to suspect us.
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:
00:13:48
Clare: We'll claim that we came up
with it on the train and then that
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:
00:13:52
clears you of any kind of indictment.
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:
00:13:55
Danno: now I live upstairs from the
offices, so it may be a little suspicious
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:
00:13:58
if I'm suddenly taking the train to
work every day, but you know what?
380
:
00:14:02
We'll cross that trestle
when we come to it.
381
:
00:14:04
Clare: Yeah, absolutely.
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:
00:14:05
I mean, you're pro transit.
383
:
00:14:07
I'll start putting out
pro transit pamphlets.
384
:
00:14:10
to say that expertise is supporting
the growth of our fair city.
385
:
00:14:17
This makes so much sense.
386
:
00:14:18
I'm feeling really good about it.
387
:
00:14:20
Danno: they say there's no such
thing as the perfect crime.
388
:
00:14:23
this is not a crime,
389
:
00:14:24
Clare: No, no, no.
390
:
00:14:25
This is a rising to occasion.
391
:
00:14:27
Danno: It is perfect.
392
:
00:14:28
Okay.
393
:
00:14:28
Clare.
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:
00:14:29
We've got our assignments.
395
:
00:14:30
See you next week.
396
:
00:14:31
Clare: All right.
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:
00:14:32
Danno: Thanks for the call.