In this series of How To Heal, Megan reveals the tools that were most helpful to her in her healing process. Episode 11.1 addresses the concept of radical acceptance and how embracing change and difficult circumstances can help us to move through trauma to a more balanced world view.

Megan Conner is the mother of 6 spectacular humans and a breaker of generational trauma cycles. She has spent the last 10 years overcoming the effects of child SA and other abusive relationships and cycles. She is the author of I Walked Through Fire to Get Here, which was written to give support and hope to other survivors. Megan is passionate about helping people make small changes that make their lives better every day.  

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WEBVTT

Hello, beautiful humans.

Welcome to the Midlife

Revolution and this series

on how to heal.

I'm Megan Conner,

and this series just lists

some of the tools that I

have in my toolbox that I

used in my journey of

healing from a lifetime of trauma.

I'm not a licensed therapist

or a mental health

professional of any kind.

I'm just an expert in my own trauma.

And I'm hopeful that sharing

some of these tools with

you will give you some

ideas about how you can

have greater healing in your life.

So today we're going to talk

about radical acceptance.

It's one of those concepts

that helped me to heal the

most because it allowed me

to accept my circumstances

as they were and

instead of trying to

constantly change my circumstances.

Now,

we do talk a lot on this channel about

healthy and positive changes,

and those are great.

But sometimes we have

circumstances in our lives

that we can't change.

All of us like to think that

we're in control,

but control is really just an illusion.

And there is so much in our

lives that we can't control

that learning to accept that fact

and embrace that fact can

help us to move through

difficult experiences a lot

faster than if we stay

stuck in the place of

thinking that we can

control things or change

circumstances that are out

of our control.

So radical acceptance is a

part of dialectical behavioral therapy,

which is one of the healing

modalities that is widely

used with a lot of

psychologists and psychiatrists.

And it has sort of a

specific proscriptive way

to go through it.

And I'm hopeful that by

going through these,

you'll learn to have this

skill and use it in your healing process.

So a lot of the information that I share,

the technical information especially,

I want it to make sure that

it's really accurate.

And so a lot of it I get

from the website Psychology Today,

where it is a peer reviewed

website where psychologists

can post articles about

different healing

modalities and different

experiences that they've

had in helping patients to

heal from trauma and abuse.

So this article was written

in 2021 from Psychology Today,

the one that I'm going to

use to talk about

dialectical behavioral

therapy and the concept of

radical acceptance.

The first thing that they

list is to acknowledge the present,

to be mindful of your

situation and pay attention

to it in a non-judgmental way.

Letting go of judgment can

be really difficult,

but it is really important to healing.

Just examining and observing

things without judgment is

a skill that we can develop

by just noticing behaviors

or situations throughout

the day and just being

curious about it and say, huh,

that's interesting.

That comment really made me angry.

I don't shame myself for being angry.

I allow myself to be angry.

And that's sort of a

non-judgmental way to

approach learning about

your feelings and your

emotions as they come up.

So letting go of judgment is

part of radical acceptance as well.

You can improve this by

being mindful and

practicing meditation and

being present in the moment.

That requires you to sort of

set aside your feelings and

realize where you are and

sort of take in the sensations, sights,

and sounds of the things

that are happening around you.

So being mindful,

paying attention in a

nonjudgmental way is all

about acknowledging the present.

It doesn't mean that we're

going to accept abusive or

manipulative behavior,

but it just means accepting

the reality whether we like it or not.

I might not like that this

circumstance is happening,

but this circumstance is in

fact happening.

And just accepting that is

part of radical acceptance.

The second step is to ask...

The second step is to ask

ourselves if we can control

or change the situation.

Now,

control can be a little bit of an

illusion.

The only thing that we

really can control is ourselves,

our reactions,

and the way that we think about things.

So if we can't control what's happening,

then we can release the

idea of being angry about it.

For example, if I'm waiting for a bus,

I can't control whether or

not the bus gets there on time.

And so it's sort of useless

for me to be anxious or

angry if the bus is late

because that's not

something I can control.

Radically accepting it

allows me to release the

anger and to not get

emotionally activated about

a situation that I can't control.

Now,

it can be painful to acknowledge that

we're not in control

because we really like that

illusion and that feeling

that we can sort of

manipulate things to be the

way that we want them to.

But it can also be really

freeing to realize when we

can't control something,

we can just let it go or

let go the emotional attachment.

that goes along with it.

The third step is letting go of judgment,

which we talked about already,

but experiencing things as

they actually are and

practicing meditation in

order to be present in the moment.

The fourth step is to let

the past be in the past,

reminding yourself that

there's nothing you can do

to change what's already happened,

whether it's good or bad,

and realizing that

that now all you can do is

choose how you're going to

think about those past

experiences and realize

that there's nothing you

can do to actually change the experience.

So again,

the only thing that we really can

change or control is the

way that we think about

things and the way that we

relate to other people and

the way that we show up in the world.

The fifth step that they

mention is to breathe.

This may seem sort of oversimplified,

but it's really effective.

Learning to breathe and

acknowledging breathing as

an important part of

healing and acceptance is really,

really important.

When we're in that sort of

fight or flight mentality,

we are going to get tensed.

and we're going to forget to

sort of release those negative feelings.

So going through your body

and noticing where you're holding tension,

and then being able to

release that tension.

So when we're in a situation

where we're having

difficult emotions come up for us,

taking some deep, slow breaths,

and noticing tension and

tightness in our body and

releasing it can be a

really good way for us to

come back to the present

moment and to be able to

assess things in a more rational way.

When we practice breathing,

we become more relaxed and

it just allows us to sort

of reset our mind.

The sixth step that they

mentioned is to be patient.

It says,

choose to practice radical

acceptance on a daily basis

and understand that it

takes time to master it.

And I recognize this as well,

it's definitely a practice and

You can start with radical

acceptance about very small

things first before you

start trying to practice it

about larger things traumas

in your past or situations

with difficult people so

like I mentioned the example of the bus.

We can do the same thing

when we're in traffic.

In fact,

I think that's one of the best

ways to start because

almost all of us have

emotional reactions when

we're in traffic or

experiencing driving

situations that are frustrating.

So practicing radical

acceptance just when you're

driving is a really great

way to start this behavior.

So if you're sitting at a

stoplight and it's not

turning green and you're late for work,

just say,

I'm going to radically accept

that I cannot drive.

control when the light is

going to turn green for me.

And then as you're moving

through traffic and someone

cuts you off and you're

tempted to be really angry about it,

you can practice radical

acceptance by saying,

I'm going to radically

accept that that person was

a jerk and they cut me off

and there's nothing that I

can do about it.

All I can do is control my

own driving behavior.

So it's a good way to get

started in that practice.

I hope that this has been helpful for you.

And I would love to know in

the comments the ways that

you're practicing radical

acceptance in your own life

and whether or not you're

having success with it.

If there are parts of it

that you're struggling with,

I would love to be able to

have the community answer

comments as well.

and let's show up for each

other and support each

other in this mental health

journey of learning how to heal.

Thanks for being with us,

and I hope to see you again soon.