Join us on the 805 Law Group Podcast as we dive into a critical topic: how to talk to your children about divorce. Attorney Bill Ausman shares strategies for discussing the divorce process with kids of different ages, emphasizing the importance of being honest while protecting them from unnecessary stress. We also discuss specific topics to avoid discussing with children and provide resources and tools for supporting age-appropriate conversations. 

Don't miss this episode if you're going through a divorce and want to protect your children during this challenging time.

[00:00:15] Bill Ausman: With each age group, you have to realize what the functioning level is, what their concerns are. So the more in touch you are with your kids and really know what's really important to them, and that mommy and daddy are fighting, and we're going to change some things.

[00:00:53] ​

[00:01:25] Dean Mignola: Welcome to the 805 Law Group podcast. We're your hosts. I'm Dean Mignola.

[00:01:33] Dean Mignola: Today we're going to cover a very important topic. If you have children and you're going through a divorce, what can you discuss with your kids during the divorce process and what should you not discuss with them? I think this is really critical and I'm sure it's on a lot of people's minds. So Bill, how can parents talk about the divorce process with their children in a way that Doesn't cause emotional distress, or at least not too much.

[00:02:20] Bill Ausman: Those are things that you do need to discuss with your kids. So Talk about the fact. Hey, you know, mommy's moving out. Daddy got a new job. Whatever the facts are, those are important to discuss. It's good to talk about them in general and practical terms. How is this going to impact the child? Let them know.

[00:03:10] Bill Ausman: You know reassure them let them know that you love them. Let them know you care about them, but let them know with time to process that changes are happening and you will let them know.

[00:03:32] Dean Mignola: Okay. Now, I would imagine that there are differences in approaching this discussion, considering whether you're talking to really younger children versus teenagers, for example. When that's the case, what strategies would you say are more effective for each group?

[00:04:03] Bill Ausman: Couldn't be this topic. Whereas with an adult child, it's like, Hey or a young, older teenager, you may have to let them know, Hey, you're not going to be able to use the family car, I'm going to be needing it for work, things of that nature. But you should let them know in general terms that their changes are happening that the divorce is happening.

[00:04:48] Dean Mignola: Okay. Now, you covered this in a general sense, but are there specific topics or details related to the divorce that are generally considered a bad idea to discuss with the children and [00:05:00] if so, what are they?

[00:05:21] Bill Ausman: If you can do those things, you're well on your way. And then keep it away from the kids. You don't tell the kids, Hey I'm going out of town next week and I'm not going to be available. Don't give that message to your kids. Talk to your spouse directly. And then also the big don't is don't include them in your conflict.

[00:06:06] Bill Ausman: You need, your job is to reassure them, to love them, and give them the supports they need so that they're successful in school, and successful in their social life, and successful as they move forward and feel that you love them, that you care about them, and that you support them.

[00:06:44] Bill Ausman: There are a lot of resources ,there's a great video out, it's called Splitting and that's a good resource. We do have a resource center here in Atascadero. Called the source that does provide some co-parenting classes. There are a lot of [00:07:00] great resources out there and so what one of those definitely is your attorney and your legal team.

[00:07:25] Bill Ausman: You can work out some of these issues and come up with a really great approach that's going to impress the courts, that's going to be supportive of your kids, and help you have effective communication with your former spouse. So that is one of the things that people can do that makes a big difference.

[00:07:55] Bill Ausman: There are a lot of things to keep your eye on when you're going through a divorce. [00:08:00] One of those things is, hey, are they changing their friends? Are they changing their routines? Are they not going to, extra-curricular activities if they dropped out of certain classes? Are they getting poor grades?

[00:08:35] Bill Ausman: See how they interact with other kids. See how they interact with other parents. If they're having difficulty and you're seeing red flags, address that. And just like a parent, a child can really benefit while their parents are going through a divorce to have an ear to talk to. And if you can get a professional counselor, this is often offered under your health insurance.

[00:09:17] Bill Ausman: Look for the problems. And look for the solutions.

[00:09:21] Dean Mignola: So how can parents really strike a balance between, being honest and open with their children about the divorce and then protecting them from that unnecessary stress and anxiety?

[00:10:14] Bill Ausman: You know, let them know that is a safe space. So there's lots of things that can be done. But creating that warm and loving and nurturing environment's really important. But, you know, if they ask you certain questions like, are you gonna send mom the child support on the first?

[00:10:48] Dean Mignola: Okay. Now, can you provide some examples of positive and constructive ways that parents have handled discussions in the divorce process with their children, you know, that really helped [00:11:00] the whole situation? I mean, I know you have a lot of experience with this.

[00:11:34] Bill Ausman: That can be very helpful. And as you move forward, maybe you don't know where the boundaries are. Maybe this is a good time to text the spouse and say, Hey, Johnny's asking these questions. I think that we should have a solid front and we should handle this together. So being able to communicate effectively working with the other parent.

[00:12:16] Bill Ausman: So if you say ill things about that parent, you in effect are saying poor things about that child. So be very aware of that, try to say positive things, try to be loving and supporting and stay away from that level of negativity.

[00:12:55] Dean Mignola: And Bill, any last thoughts before we wrap this up.

[00:13:21] Bill Ausman: And so it is available on Amazon. Our viewers today, drop us a line and we'll be glad to give you a free copy of this book. We think it's so important that parents get a copy of this. We're offering that free. So come on by the office or drop us a line. We'd love to get you a copy.