Learning to Thrive Beyond Pornography use was the greatest challenge of our life and marriage. It had rocked my self confidence, tainted all of the most important experiences of my life and become the most impossible challenge I had.

With this podcast or at https://www.GetToThrive.com you'll learn about the struggle, how to overcome pornography use, and where to find additional resources to begin to thrive beyond pornography with your spouse.

At some point I took a step away from all the 12 step meetings and councilors and started to figure out my own brain, to look at my issue as something that I had the answer to and I was going to figure it out. Here I share those lessons and give you the power to start your own journey free. Whether you struggle with unwanted pornography use or are the spouse or partner, whether you feel stuck or just don't know where to start, here I will teach you principles, tools and skills that you can use today to change how you think and, in the end, what you do.

You'll hear interviews with my spouse, with experts on human sexuality and with former and current pornography users on how you can overcome your own struggle with addictive behavior.

The Thrive Beyond Pornography podcast will bring new perspective to your struggle and keep you coming back to improve all aspects of your life. (formerly, The Self Mastery Podcast: Overcome Pornography Forever)

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And this episode was inspired by an email I received recently, I've changed the names of the people in the email, but this really got me thinking about how we approach change and growth.

So I received this email from Jane who shared that they would not be signing up for coaching because her partner, Sam, Was struggling with looking at pornography, even the night before they had met with me to explore their coaching options.

Apparently they'd had a conversation. I don't know. She didn't say this in the email, but after we had met. She sent me this email and it seemed like they were both pretty committed, but on finding out that Sam had been looking at pornography, even the night before we met, she felt like his commitment was not high enough for them to continue working with me.

This situation is like so many that I see, and it highlights a pretty crucial point in the journey, Which is understanding the roles of commitment versus the tools that we have and the capacity that we have, the skills that we have to achieve those goals.

So let's start with commitment.

Commitment is really the initial decision. It's the declaration that we want to change something in our lives. It's saying, I want to overcome this challenge.

Commitment alone is crucial, but it's not enough.

Imagine deciding to run a marathon.

You can be committed to the idea. You can think, "oh yeah, I'm definitely going to do this. I'm a hundred percent in." Absolutely. But without the right training preparation and resources, that commitment's probably not going to carry you through 26. 2 miles. It's not going to get you far enough to the place where you succeed.

I mean, I know people who run marathons pretty regularly. There's a lot of training. Even for people who run six miles a day on a regular basis. Those people cannot just jump into a marathon and say, "yeah, I'm going to be good here."

Commitment is a powerful tool and it's this spark that ignites the journey.

It can help keep us motivated and focused on the end goal, even though motivation in the long run is not as, as important as the tools, but it can get us started in that framework to say, "okay, this is really what I want and I'm going to change by starting down that path."

If we rely solely on our commitment without equipping ourselves with the right tools and strategies, you're going to find yourself falling short.

That's just the bottom line. I've worked with hundreds of men and women who are so committed to quitting porn, that they have spent days, praying weeks, attending meetings, years, beating themselves up over their perceived failures, and they've just not gotten anywhere. Not because they weren't committed to the shift, but because they didn't have the tools.

Commitment to accomplishing something differs from having the right tools to achieve it.

I like to think of commitment as the willingness to find the right tools, even when we face failures and overwhelming odds.

And I would say most of the people that I work with, they are committed. They're like, you know, I'm willing to put in the time, I'm willing to put in the money, I'm willing to put in the effort. But they don't know how to do it. And that's really the work that I do. They bring the commitment, I bring the tools.

So let's talk about tools. In the context of overcoming pornography use, tools are the strategies, techniques, and resources that we use to manage our impulses and build healthier habits. Tools are what transform our commitment into action and sustainable change.

For instance, understanding and implementing the detour cycle framework that we've talked about in previous podcasts can help identify and address the avoidance strategies that you've been using. Which Makes the process of confronting and managing our urges more possible. It can also help you address those underlying reasons that the urges keep coming up.

This gives you in turn, this understanding of what the real problems are and how to solve them head on. That is a tool that's addressing the bottom line issue. I can be committed to solving the underlying problem, but if I don't know what the underlying problem is, I need a different tool. I need a different set of skills. I need something to help me get there.

Having the right tools means having access to knowledge, support systems, practical techniques, and sometimes even a little bit of professional guidance, somebody who's been there, who knows how to walk through this process.

For instance, right now I'm, I'm building a pool. It's a small above ground pool in the backyard just for the kids to have something to go to in the heat of the summer. So that Darcy doesn't have to like constantly be traipsing them back and forth to pools or to grandma's house or this or that.

I'm constantly looking for help from people who've been there, people who've actually built these things. I'm using all the resources that I can to help me do that.

When I was a kid, that's assist, that kind of assistance wouldn't have been available. And that's really the, a huge difference between now and 20 years ago when I started trying to figure out my porn struggle is that there are so many resources available, so many people trying to help you walk through this walk.

The tools that you get help bridge the gap between wanting to change and actually being able to make that change happen.

I think I've said this on the podcast before. I'm a tool guy. I love tools. I will buy a new tool every time I do a project, partly because I like having the right tool and partly because I like having tools available to help me do the next project when that's necessary. Somebody called me today and said, Hey, can you help me fix this sprinkler head?

I went over there. I had to get some parts I had all of the right tools to help them fix that sprinkler head in the moment so that I didn't have to go out and buy a new tool. It gave me capacity to solve a problem that wasn't even really my problem, but that allowed me to do something that makes me feel good about how I'm showing up in the world.

So recognize that both are essential.

Sometimes people come to me and they're like, Hey, can you help my kid? And yeah, absolutely. I can help your kid. But if your kid's not committed to doing the work, like I can give them the tools and they're not going to change.

Commitment gets us started. Commitment's what pushes us down the road, but tools are what sustain us. Tools are what give us the long term capacity to succeed.

So think about balancing commitment and tools in a practical way. First thing you're going to want to do is assess your commitment.

Why do I want to change? What's motivating me? Understanding your why strengthens your commitment. It puts you in a position to say, my commitment is really X. And when you understand your why, you're doing it for you, not for somebody else, usually.

Identify the right tools. So seek out resources, seek out programs, seek out strategies that align with your needs, align with your desires, align with your values.

And for those struggling with pornography, tools like acceptance and commitment training techniques and the detour cycle framework can be game changers.

When I think about this in the framework of a system that I like to use, which is stoicism, it's perception, right action, and willingness. If you think about that in terms of what you're doing here, identifying the right tools is a hundred percent about right action. What tools am I using?

Then of course, integrate and apply. Practicing these tools in your daily life is essential.

This is essentially that willingness. How willing am I to be uncomfortable? It's not enough to know the tools. It's not enough to just simply have them at your disposal. Even to have a good working knowledge of them it's not really enough.

You have to be able to apply them consistently and automatically. That's habitual processing. That's practice. That's putting it yourself into a position to where it automatically comes up and it automatically takes over instead of putting Falling into that same system that you've always fallen into, falling back to how do I feel good in the moment?

And then seek support. You can join a community, you can find a coach, you can work with a therapist who's been there. You can even meet with me at GetToThrive.com/workwithzach. Sharing your journey with others helps provide encouragement, and it also gives you additional strategies and resources.

Really, one of the most important components of working with somebody who's been there is that they can see you better than you can see yourself. And when someone can point things out to you that you're not able to see.

And then you're also willing to engage with that. Letting go of your ego and allowing yourself to be coached. That's really super helpful. Not that they're going to beat you up, not that they're going to tell you you're not enough, but really so that you can see yourself more clearly. That framework is essential. And if you're coachable, if you're teachable, if you're somebody who's like, "yeah, I can see myself more clearly and I don't mind someone sharing with me where I've gone wrong."

That's when support is most effective. The next thing, reflect and adjust. Regularly assess what's working and what's not. Be open to adjusting your approach as you learn more about yourself.

And then adjust, make those tweaks. Take tiny little shifts. Those 1 percent shifts are going to be more effective than saying, I got to do everything cold Turkey right now.

Commitment is declaring that you want to change and the tools that you need to get there are the means that make change a reality, that make it possible even.

Both are necessary and when you use them together, They create a powerful synergy that can help you thrive beyond pornography or thrive in any component of your life.

If you or someone you know is struggling, know that it's okay to seek help and equip yourself with the right tools for that journey ahead and also love them.

Just say, "Hey, listen, I love you. I don't think that this is you. I think this is something that you're dealing with. And really dig into what's going on for them.

I did a Sunday school lesson last week.

And one of the things I said is everyone in this room knows someone who's dealing with pornography. That's the truth.

Whether you're the person who's dealing with it, whether your spouse or your child or your parents or your nieces or nephews, somebody that you know is dealing with pornography, share this information with them, help them get to where they need to go.

Thanks for joining me today. I hope you found this episode helpful. Please share it with others who might benefit from it. And don't forget to follow us on Instagram at ThriveBeyondPornography for more resources and support.

Until next time, stay committed, stay equipped, keep thriving, and I'll talk to you next week.