Over the past 5 weeks, I’ve walked you through the hierarchy of healing and how to go through the phases of healing I call radical self-love, self-trust, honesty, listening, and acceptance. Today, we finish the series with radical action - the part where we DO the things that actually improve our lives and create the lives that we want.
You’ll Learn:
Radical action doesn’t have to be big. In fact, sometimes a lot of the big actions in life start with really small changes. In this episode, I’ll show you how to figure out what you ought to be doing and how to overcome the obstacles that come up along the way.
----------------------------------------------
I also want you to keep in mind that any action you take must be rooted in radical self-love. This isn’t meant to be some giant checklist you now have to do. If all you ever do is learn to fall deeper and deeper in love with yourself, you have already won.
Radical action is about making a commitment to changing an area of your life where you are not satisfied.
This typically happens in three areas:
The first part of action is simply committing to the change you want. Then, you decide which actions will support your goal and commit to those, as well. Let’s take a closer look at these 3 relationships.
Your relationship with yourself. This includes your mental health and the way you talk to yourself. It is internal. If you're feeling anxious, depressed, directionless, or trapped and you don't have contentment, then this is something that you might want to work on.
You might decide that you want to improve your mental health, experience more meaning or purpose in your life, or commit to your own peace and contentment.
Your relationships with others. Maybe your marriage isn't working, or the way you're parenting your kids isn't working. Maybe you have some toxic friendships or some family conflicts.
Your goal might be something like, “I want to have a happy marriage,” “I want to be a more calm parent,” or “I am committed to setting better boundaries with my in-laws.”
Your relationship with the outside world. This includes how you contribute to the world and how you feel in the world. This can also encompass your relationship with time, money, your environment, etc.
If your home is messy, cluttered, and it’s driving you crazy, let’s take radical action to make your home function better for you. If you are constantly stressed and overwhelmed about money, you can commit to finding peace around your finances and managing your money in a healthy way.
We can’t create the lives we want unless we know what we want, right? So the first step is to make a decision about what change you want to create.
If you’re having trouble with this, try flipping your current state around. Here are a couple of examples:
“I feel dissatisfied in my life,” becomes, “I am committed to figuring out what brings me joy and doing more of those things.”
“I’m tired of being taken advantage of,” becomes, “I am going to work on my boundaries.”
You might not know all of your action steps right away, and that’s okay. The most important thing is that you know what you’re chasing.
The way you’re feeling right now is the symptom. Identify it and look for the root cause. What is causing this problem? When you understand the root cause, solutions will start to appear.
The most important thing to remember is to take these actions not from a place of scarcity, insecurity, fear, or overwhelm, but from a place of confidence and belief that you can get what you want.
Then, list out the action that you are committed to take. For instance…
I will do things that bring me joy.
I will speak kindly to myself.
I will do mindset exercises.
You’ll probably find some areas of your life where things are okay, pretty good, but you believe that they could be better. That’s totally normal.
The truth is that everything probably is pretty good. You have a home, children, warm clothing. You’ve probably had something tasty to eat or drink recently. Look for evidence that most things are okay.
As you stay rooted in love and trust, look at an area that you want to change and realize that you can have things in your life that you’re unhappy about AND ALSO your life can be perfectly fine. There is no emergency here.
It is possible to feel deep contentment in your life and know that there is even more contentment available to you. More peace, more joy. You get to have gratitude, accept things as they are, and want more of the good stuff.
The foundational beliefs required for aligned radical action are:
I'm good enough, I'm lovable, and I'm worthy.
I already have enough.
This approach helps you see that you can get what you want in your life because you already have it in some form. The belief that it's possible comes from looking at what's already true.
For example, if you’re stressed about money, look at the things in your life that you’ve purchased with money - the couch you’re sitting on, the sweater you’re wearing, the eggs in your fridge. You already have the things you need today. You have enough, and you have already been taken care of. And…you want to feel that feeling even more.
If you want to improve your body, recognize that you already have strength in you because you are breathing. If you want to improve your relationship with your spouse or partner, look at the moments when things are good between you.
In the area you want to improve, looking for what is already going well will give you the wisdom to figure out what the next right action is.
Our goal is to take aligned radical action, but there are two other types of actions that I want you to be aware of.
The first is inaction. If you feel stuck, trapped, or paralyzed in any way, you may not take action towards the next right thing at all. Your procrastination might be a clue that you feel afraid, overwhelmed, or confused.
Ways to get out of inaction:
The second is reactive action. This is this buffering action we’ve talked about throughout this series. It can also look like people pleasing, perfectionism, overdoing it, overthinking, over organizing, over planning, or avoidance behaviors.
You are reacting. You’re in the “fix it, change it, stop it, solve it” energy. This action is not aligned with where you want to go. It’s rooted in scarcity, fear, guilt, anger, defensiveness, and insecurity. You might make some big moves from this energy, but it likely won’t get you the result you truly want.
Aligned action is what we’re trying to achieve. This comes from a place of true love for yourself and deep acceptance of yourself and others. These actions are often smaller because we’re building on the good that is already there. You’re using the approach of, “Things are good. Let’s make it better.”
You were put on this earth to do something. It might be raising a beautiful family and establishing a great home life for your kids. It might be writing a novel or creating beautiful artwork. Whatever it is, I believe deeply that you are here for a purpose.
So, how do you figure out what that purpose is and which radical actions you should take?
Step 1: Figure out what you want
Step 2: Know your why
Once you find something that you want, you have to go a little deeper. I like to use a strategy called the 5 Whys. Basically, you take that thing that you want and ask yourself why you don’t already have it (5 times).
Here’s an example: Let’s say you want to stop yelling at your kids.
Do you see how going through these “why”s makes your actions more clear? In the example above, this mom needs to work on saying no to things, setting boundaries, and getting support.
Step 3: Chase the glimmers
When you experience a glimmer - something that makes you light up, that brings you excitement, peace, joy, love, gladness, and all the good feelings - keep chasing that thing. Bring more and more of those experiences into your life, and it will become more and more clear what it is that you need to be doing.
One of the ways to know if you are taking the right actions is that it feels easy. You’re in flow. The things you’re doing feel fun, bring you joy, and fill up your bucket. Even if it’s also scary.
Radical action has its enemies, but when you recognize them, you can overcome them.
Enemy #1 is perfectionism. Perfectionism is a way to protect yourself from receiving negative feedback. But it also keeps you small, stuck, and trapped. If you struggle with perfectionism, there’s a pretty good chance that you’re struggling with self-trust and accepting yourself or your circumstances.
The mantra for a perfectionist? Half-ass is better than no-ass. Aim for a C+. Put that incomplete thing out there, and just get it done.
People pleasing is another common obstacle, and it’s actually a form of manipulation. You’re trying to control other people’s narrative of you so that you feel better. You want them to think that you’re nice, helpful, etc. And maybe you are. But if you need the other person to see you doing those things, it may be because you are feeling insecure.
People pleasing also often leads to reactive action - the fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. You come out of your own aligned radical action to do what you think other people want from you.
Another enemy of radical action is the fear of failure. If you don’t believe that you can handle being disappointed, embarrassed, hurt, or misunderstood, then you may not take big action. Or you may not try as hard because you’re afraid that you’ll crumble if it doesn’t work out.
Radical self-trust lets you know that you can trust yourself. And radical acceptance reminds you that you can handle every feeling because they are temporary. The more you practice the hierarchy of healing, the easier it is for you to handle failure.
Overwhelm is another thing that can keep you from taking action. You’re not even sure where to start. I hope I’ve shared some ideas here that will help.
A few other resources are:
If you want to improve an area of your life, your core self already knows how to get that. You can trust that there's wisdom inside of you. Just keep moving forward, and you will make progress.
The final obstacle is time management. I've noticed that people think that they don't have time to achieve their goals when, really, there's always time if we prioritize. There probably isn’t an empty space just sitting there on your calendar. You might have to take a break from something else for a while, or say no to a new commitment.
When you let go of something to create empty space, fill it with yourself - and treat those appointments with yourself the same way you would treat a doctor’s appointment or a commitment to someone else.
Then, eliminate distractions. Put your phone on do not disturb, turn off the wifi, leave your phone in another room, hire a babysitter, lock your door. Whatever you need to do to focus.
You get to prioritize the things that you care about.
When you know what you want, go get it. Commit to it. Prioritize it. Make it possible.
And maybe you’ll do it for a while and realize that it’s not what you really wanted. That’s fine, too. You get to stop and start and move around and figure out who you are.
All you have to do is start and trust. Just do the next thing that feels aligned and see where you end up.
Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!
In this free guide you’ll discover:
✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)
✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)
✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)
✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)
Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here
Welcome back to become a calm mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlene Childress.
Speaker:I'm a life and parenting coach. And this episode
Speaker:is part six of our series on how to
Speaker:heal. And I've been walking you through sort of this hierarchy of
Speaker:healing, going through different phases of healing and
Speaker:what we need to build up in order to
Speaker:take radical action, in order to actually improve our
Speaker:lives, change our lives, create the life that we want,
Speaker:it is important to start with those foundational principles
Speaker:of radical self love, radical self trust,
Speaker:radical honesty, radical listening, and radical acceptance.
Speaker:So once we kind of have this foundation built up, we're ready
Speaker:to take action, radical action, big steps or
Speaker:little steps, to be honest with you. Sometimes a lot of our big
Speaker:actions in life start with really small
Speaker:changes. And I'm gonna walk you through today
Speaker:how to figure out what area of your life to tackle and
Speaker:how to take that big action, what you ought to be doing, how
Speaker:to figure out what you ought to be doing, and then also what are some
Speaker:of the obstacles that will come up along the way and how to
Speaker:overcome those obstacles. The first thing I wanna do is
Speaker:just well, actually, I want to start with this quote that I just read this
Speaker:past week from young Pueblo's book. And it says,
Speaker:healing yourself with love is a long term process.
Speaker:I just wanted to start by reminding you that what you're doing
Speaker:with radical self love is
Speaker:radical. It is huge. It's transformative.
Speaker:If that's the only thing you do for the rest of your life is learn
Speaker:to fall deeper and deeper in love with yourself, find deeper and deeper levels of
Speaker:trust, become a really good friend to yourself by being really honest
Speaker:and listening, accepting yourself exactly as you are and not thinking
Speaker:that you're broken. I promise that that is the
Speaker:pathway of healing. And the more you practice radical self love,
Speaker:the easier it will be for you to take this radical action. So when I
Speaker:talk about radical action today, what the last thing I want is for you to
Speaker:get overwhelmed and think that here, darling, is giving me a giant
Speaker:checklist and to do list of all the things that I now need to do.
Speaker:And that's not what this is about. This is about taking
Speaker:aligned action towards the things that you wanna
Speaker:create more of in your life. More peace, more joy, more meaning,
Speaker:more connection, more love, any of those
Speaker:qualities that you're chasing. So radical action,
Speaker:how I define it, is about making a commitment
Speaker:to changing an area of your life where you are not satisfied.
Speaker:So you're making a commitment. That's the first part of action,
Speaker:committing to something and then taking steps to changing
Speaker:that area of your life. When I think about areas of your life, I
Speaker:think about these three relationships that we have. We have relationship to our
Speaker:self. So that means, like, our mental health, anxiety, depression,
Speaker:negative self talk, our relationship to how we contribute in the
Speaker:world, and our relationship to how we feel in the world. So
Speaker:it's really like this relationship that we have internally. So if
Speaker:you're feeling anxious, depressed, if you're feeling directionless,
Speaker:if you're feeling kind of trapped and you don't have contentment,
Speaker:then this is something that you might wanna work on is how you
Speaker:relate to yourself, how you think and feel, your own mental
Speaker:well-being. So those commitments will look like I will do
Speaker:things that bring me joy. I will speak kindly to myself. I will
Speaker:practice mindset exercises. You decide I wanna
Speaker:experience more meaning and purpose in my life, or I'm committed
Speaker:to my own peace and my own contentment, and I'm willing to take action
Speaker:to change the things in my life that aren't working. So when we look
Speaker:at how we feel inside of ourselves and how
Speaker:we think and feel and talk to ourselves, like that
Speaker:relationship internally, if you want to change that
Speaker:relationship, you're going to need to take radical action.
Speaker:So committing to I'm going to improve my mental health,
Speaker:or I'm going to improve my feeling of discontentment.
Speaker:I want to chase contentment. Looking at
Speaker:my life feels meaningless, directionless, I feel stuck. So then you
Speaker:can say I am committed to figuring out what brings me
Speaker:joy and getting more of those joyful things in my life.
Speaker:So I want you to look at that area of dissatisfaction, and then
Speaker:make a commitment to yourself of what it is that you want.
Speaker:I want more joy, I will do things that bring me joy. I want
Speaker:to feel purpose, I will do things that give me purpose, I want to
Speaker:feel more content, I will chase the things
Speaker:that bring me contentment. I will create more peace in my life. I will
Speaker:prioritize joy. So the action that you're
Speaker:going to take is going to come from the area of your life that's not
Speaker:really satisfying. So we have that relationship to ourselves. You
Speaker:might have relationship to others. Maybe there's, your marriage isn't
Speaker:working or the way you're parenting your kids isn't working. Maybe you have some
Speaker:toxic friendships or some family conflicts with your in laws or your family
Speaker:of origin. If you wanna take a look at how you relate to
Speaker:others and your relationships to others and start working on that. So you
Speaker:decide, I wanna have a happy marriage and I wanna figure out how to create
Speaker:that. I wanna be a more calm parent, so I wanna figure out how to
Speaker:create that. I'm committed to becoming a calm mama. I'm committed to
Speaker:creating friendships that are meaningful and last you
Speaker:know, are lasting and bring me joy. I'm committed
Speaker:to setting boundaries with my in laws. I'm committed to improving my
Speaker:relationship with my mother. You might not know this action steps
Speaker:yet. That's okay. We don't have to figure out every single piece of
Speaker:action yet. We just need to know what we're chasing. What's the
Speaker:area of your life that's not satisfying? And what do you
Speaker:wanna commit to creating? So if you notice you're unhappy, I'm
Speaker:going to commit to joy. If you notice you don't have
Speaker:peace, I'm going to commit to peace. If you feel like you're being taken
Speaker:advantage of, I'm going to work on my boundaries.
Speaker:So you set like a small, actionable
Speaker:commitment, like a goal. And then that's where the action
Speaker:starts to get informed by where you're going. We can't
Speaker:create the life that you want, unless we know what it
Speaker:is you want. Right? You have to define it a bit. So
Speaker:we have this relationship to ourselves, our internal relationship
Speaker:with us. Right? So that's something you can work on. You have
Speaker:your relationship to others and like that those relationships.
Speaker:And then we also have this relationship to the outside world. So that's like
Speaker:time, how we relate to time, how we manage time, how we prioritize
Speaker:time, how we relate to our space, like our daily environment.
Speaker:If your home is driving you crazy, your environment is driving you crazy, it's
Speaker:making you unhappy, then let's work on that. Let's take radical
Speaker:action rooted in love to make your home
Speaker:work and function better. And take some big
Speaker:swings to make that right. Maybe you don't have a lot of
Speaker:energy in your body or you aren't taking care of your body. You're
Speaker:ignoring your body. You're not going to the doctor. You're not eating well. You're not
Speaker:moving your body. And you want to commit to changing
Speaker:the relationship you have with your body. That's available
Speaker:to you. Also money. Money is a huge issue. We
Speaker:don't think about it a lot. We think about it a lot, but we don't
Speaker:talk about it a lot. So you get to decide, wow, I'm really stressed about
Speaker:money all the time. I feel really overwhelmed. I feel like we don't have enough.
Speaker:I never have enough peace around it. And even if you have
Speaker:plenty, you're like, where is it going? I'm so frustrated. You know? If you
Speaker:feel that scarcity feeling or that overwhelm, then you get to
Speaker:decide that you're gonna commit to managing your money in a way that
Speaker:is healthy. Looking at these commitments, I will create
Speaker:more time for rest in my life. If you're feeling overworked, burned out,
Speaker:like there's no time, you're not prioritizing yourself, you're not prioritizing
Speaker:your well-being, then your symptom is overwhelmed,
Speaker:right, or overworked, feeling burned out.
Speaker:Great. That's a symptom. Let's now find out what the root
Speaker:cause is and take action to change that. If your environment
Speaker:is really cluttered and it's stressful and your space is uninspiring,
Speaker:okay, that's the symptom. That's the problem. Now let's go and do
Speaker:some action towards it. So you're looking for the problem areas in your
Speaker:life rooted, remember, in love and trust and belief that you can
Speaker:handle anything and that everything is fine. There's no problem right now
Speaker:in terms of, like, you're not in danger. There you
Speaker:can have things. It's kind of like a dichotomy. You can have things in your
Speaker:life that you are unhappy about, and also your life can be
Speaker:perfectly fine. Like, that's this weird this
Speaker:tension between content and discontent.
Speaker:Right? I don't think of it like that. I'm, like, truly
Speaker:deeply feel contentment in my life. And I know there's
Speaker:more available to me, more contentment available. I'm really
Speaker:at peace in my life, and I know there's more peace available to me.
Speaker:I have unbound joy in my life. And I know there's more joy
Speaker:available to me. So I get to have gratitude
Speaker:and rooted in the things that I'm appreciative of
Speaker:and, like, acknowledge and accept things are exactly as they
Speaker:are meant to be. And it's okay. And I'm safe. And I'm loved. And I'm
Speaker:worthy. And I'm good. And I want more of
Speaker:that. So when we take these radical actions, we look
Speaker:at the areas of our life where we see like, hey, you know what? This
Speaker:could be improved a little bit. I'm fine now. I'm satisfied now
Speaker:in general, but I'd like to improve. This is a little bit of
Speaker:fake it till you make it kinda because you're not going to feel
Speaker:like if there's a lot of areas of your life that are really frustrating and
Speaker:overwhelming and hard. Are you gaslighting yourself by saying everything is good?
Speaker:Kinda. But the truth is everything is pretty good.
Speaker:Like, you have a home, you have your children, you have
Speaker:warm clothing, you probably have had a tasty thing to eat or
Speaker:drink recently. You know, in the modern world, unless we're in a
Speaker:war zone or something, most things are okay.
Speaker:We are relatively safe right now. And that's what
Speaker:radical acceptance is acknowledging our circumstance as it
Speaker:is right now. I think about, like, this morning I was walking
Speaker:the dog and this lady, her dog jumped out at us. And
Speaker:at first, I didn't think it was on the leash. And I got really scared
Speaker:that it was gonna come and, like, attack my dog. And I was like, ah,
Speaker:and I screamed. And then she got the leash and she held
Speaker:it. And she's like, oh, yeah. He's safe. He's leashed
Speaker:up. And then my nervous system reset. So
Speaker:for a split second, I may have perceived
Speaker:myself as being unsafe. And then immediately, I
Speaker:was there are moments of course, when things are dangerous,
Speaker:like if you are in the act of a car accident, things are dangerous.
Speaker:But then as soon as the accident is over, we
Speaker:are safe again. It gets hard to
Speaker:believe, but we're not actually in danger until we're in
Speaker:danger and then the danger passes and then we're not in danger anymore.
Speaker:But our mindset, our nervous system is always scanning for danger.
Speaker:And so it's can make it hard for us to truly
Speaker:believe I'm okay right now in this moment. And then when I'm
Speaker:not okay, I'll deal with it and then I'll be okay again.
Speaker:That's crazy radical acceptance and crazy radical trust.
Speaker:And when you are in that space, taking action, the
Speaker:next right action isn't going to come from a place of
Speaker:scarcity, insecurity, fear, overwhelm.
Speaker:I want you to take these actions from a deep place
Speaker:of confidence and belief that you can get what you want because
Speaker:you already have it in some part of your life. So we
Speaker:kind of have to look for evidence that things are okay, in order
Speaker:to believe that we can get more of those things
Speaker:more okayness. The belief that it's possible comes
Speaker:from looking at what's already true. So I don't mean
Speaker:to rant too much on that. But I do just want you to see, like,
Speaker:if you're stressed about money, for example,
Speaker:look at the things that you already have in your life that you've
Speaker:purchased with money. Like, oh, look, I already have this couch.
Speaker:I already have this sweater that I'm wearing. I already have these shoes.
Speaker:Like, I already have been taken care of. I already have eggs
Speaker:in my fridge, believe it or not. Right? I already have
Speaker:the things that I need today. I have enough.
Speaker:And I wanna feel that feeling even more.
Speaker:My body, maybe I wanna improve my body, but I already
Speaker:have a strong body. Even if I'm ill, I
Speaker:know that I have strength in me because I'm living I'm breathing.
Speaker:If I have a bad relationship with my husband, I also have a
Speaker:relationship with my husband. And there are moments that are good. So let's look at
Speaker:those good moments. As a parent, you're like, my kids never
Speaker:listened to me. Well, do they never? Or do
Speaker:they sometimes? So we want to make our actions
Speaker:be coming from a place of already
Speaker:having had our needs met? If that makes
Speaker:sense? I'm depressed. True. But are you always
Speaker:depressed? When is that glimmer of joy? When does that spark? When does it come
Speaker:up? Anchor to that? Like, oh, a lot of times I feel
Speaker:down, but not when I do this one thing. Ah,
Speaker:okay, I need to bring more of that one thing into my life. So we
Speaker:have to look at areas where things are going well, in the
Speaker:area where things don't feel good, because that will give us wisdom
Speaker:to find out what's the next right thing. Everything we're doing
Speaker:here is we're chasing. When we chase something
Speaker:new, like more purpose in our life, right, maybe
Speaker:or more tidiness in our house or more
Speaker:health and wellness or more friendships or a better
Speaker:relationship with our kids, or more joy and
Speaker:less anxiety, more trust and less anxiety.
Speaker:Whatever we're chasing, we have to remember that the foundational
Speaker:beliefs that are required for aligned
Speaker:radical action are I'm good enough,
Speaker:I'm lovable, and I'm worthy. Like I'm
Speaker:already enough, I already have enough. When
Speaker:you practice that belief system, you're gonna get
Speaker:so much more new wonderful things. But it won't be
Speaker:coming from a place of graspiness and insecurity,
Speaker:you know, trying to fill a void in your life.
Speaker:So let me tell you what I think of as the three types of action.
Speaker:Right? So we have radical aligned action. That's what we're
Speaker:working towards. But there's two kinds of actions I want you to be
Speaker:aware of. The first is inaction.
Speaker:If you feel stuck or trapped
Speaker:or paralyzed in any way,
Speaker:you may not take action towards the next right
Speaker:thing. You want to see yourself as being in
Speaker:a space of inaction. Just using the word
Speaker:inaction will help you. So looking at
Speaker:your procrastination is a clue that maybe
Speaker:you feel afraid, maybe you feel overwhelmed, maybe you
Speaker:feel confused, maybe you need to get some help, maybe you need to work on
Speaker:gratitude, work on seeing where things are going right, and that will
Speaker:give you some hope that you can take action.
Speaker:Inaction is when we're not doing anything because we're
Speaker:feeling stuck. And the one of the tools to get out of inaction,
Speaker:honestly, is gratitude. It's not like gratitude
Speaker:in a bad way. It's not like, oh, I shouldn't complain because I
Speaker:have it so good. That's disingenuous. I want you to be rather
Speaker:thinking like, how can I convince myself that things are
Speaker:pretty great? You will then take action from that
Speaker:place. The second type of action is reactive action, which we've talked a lot
Speaker:about during the series is this buffering action or this
Speaker:people pleasing, perfectionism, overdoing
Speaker:it, overthinking, over organizing, over
Speaker:planning, avoidance behaviors, like reactive.
Speaker:Like, for me, I go into fix it, change it, stop it, solve it. When
Speaker:I think, when I'm not in an aligned action, when I'm in a place
Speaker:of scarcity, fear, guilt, anger, defensiveness,
Speaker:insecurity, when I'm feeling those things and I take action,
Speaker:I've seen this a lot as I build my as I build this podcast,
Speaker:as I build my coaching practice, my business. When I, like, am
Speaker:graspy and I take big swings, it doesn't really work
Speaker:out as well as when I'm just in peace and joy and chasing
Speaker:what's fun and what's interesting. That same with my
Speaker:family. Like, if I'm like, we need to have dinner five nights a week,
Speaker:and we need to do video games and or not video games. We need to
Speaker:do game night. I talked about this a couple weeks ago where I feel
Speaker:like, oh, I need to make it really good for my family. Oh, I did
Speaker:this on a confessions on the Thanksgiving fight episode where I talked about, like,
Speaker:oh, I need to make my family, like, you know, really fun for my kids
Speaker:so that they always wanna come home for holidays. And then if it's not good
Speaker:enough, they won't wanna come home. And I was, like, in a graspy,
Speaker:weird energy. Well, who wants to come home to that? That's
Speaker:not fun. But if I'm in a fun, like, hey. This is a party.
Speaker:You're the party exists. You're welcome to come at any time. Like, my
Speaker:life is great, and I wanna include you in it. That's so much more of
Speaker:an attractive energy. So when I'm reactive
Speaker:and, you know, I'm, like, over producing, over
Speaker:planning, overthinking, That is my reactive
Speaker:action, I might take big steps, I might do some big
Speaker:things that look really good. But I'm
Speaker:not taking that action from a place of wholeness from integrity.
Speaker:That's what we're looking to do. So let's talk about
Speaker:aligned action. So aligned action comes
Speaker:from a place of true love for yourself and deep
Speaker:acceptance of yourself and others. So if I wanna take a big
Speaker:action in my parenting, right, this is a parenting podcast.
Speaker:Believe it or not, we've been talking about other things lately. But when I wanna
Speaker:take a big action in my relationship with my kids or the way I
Speaker:parent, going back to that principle that my
Speaker:kids behavior is driven by their unmet emotional needs or their
Speaker:feelings or their desire to communicate or cope with an uncomfortable
Speaker:feeling. That perspective is like I'm accepting
Speaker:my child's behavior. I'm going to take radical action. I'm going to set boundaries. I'm
Speaker:going to set boundaries. I'm going to set boundaries. I'm going to set boundaries. I'm
Speaker:going to set boundaries. I'm going to set boundaries. I'm going to take radical action.
Speaker:I'm going to set boundaries. I'm gonna do really good connection. I'm gonna do some
Speaker:good emotional coaching. I'm gonna, you know, follow through with consequences.
Speaker:Like the actions are gonna be there, but they are
Speaker:driven from within me from a place
Speaker:of true peace, like my kids are good, they're
Speaker:fine. We just need to find, you know, fine tune this to
Speaker:tweak this a bit. This is what happens in my con consults.
Speaker:Like parents are like, they think they're gonna come and present this, like, terrible worst
Speaker:case scenario to me. And I listen and I'm like, oh, there's so much good
Speaker:here. There's so much to work with. You're not that far off. You just
Speaker:need a couple new parenting skills, couple new mindset
Speaker:strategies, you're gonna be golden. Like, the
Speaker:radical action is oftentimes not so
Speaker:big, especially if we're like, no. Things are good. I just
Speaker:wanna see where we can make things better. I love
Speaker:approaching problems from things are good. Let's make
Speaker:it better. So aligned radical action is
Speaker:these actions that come from our authentic core self. So what I've
Speaker:noticed in my life is that I have had this
Speaker:desire to heal the next generation in advance,
Speaker:right, to talk about parenting and helping
Speaker:parents understand how kids work, how their brain works, how this
Speaker:relationship works since twenty twelve. So a long
Speaker:time. And when I have been off my path
Speaker:of pursuing this dream and this meaningful
Speaker:work, when I get distracted from my vision,
Speaker:I know I keep being drawn back to the thing that I'm supposed to
Speaker:be doing. Because it's not in my alignment. It's not in my
Speaker:mission. It's not in what I was here, what I'm set put here on
Speaker:the earth to do. So you are also put
Speaker:on the earth to do something. I don't know what it is. It might
Speaker:be raising a beautiful family and establishing a
Speaker:great home life for your kids. It might be writing a novel
Speaker:or creating, you know, beautiful artwork. I have this friend
Speaker:who hosts such beautiful tender events, and they're
Speaker:always just well designed and, you know, really,
Speaker:really amazing experiences. And she was, like, put here on the earth
Speaker:to do those things. And I get to be blessed by her vision
Speaker:and her soul work. I get to be blessed by that,
Speaker:like, just like you get to be blessed by my soul work. So you have
Speaker:something that you're designed to do. You're here for a purpose. I believe it
Speaker:deeply. And when you're in alignment with that purpose,
Speaker:the aligned radical action actually feels really
Speaker:easy. It's like you're in your flow.
Speaker:That's one of the ways that you know that the actions
Speaker:that you're taking are the right actions
Speaker:is because it feels easy and fun and brings you joy and keeps
Speaker:filling up your bucket. Even if it's hard, even if it's stressful, even if it's
Speaker:scary, it's like there's a deeper, like,
Speaker:yeah. I'm supposed to do this. So just try to find
Speaker:it. How do you do that? How do you figure out what your aligned
Speaker:radical action is? The first thing I think
Speaker:about is the what. Like, what do you want? I
Speaker:remember the first time I watched a parent educator
Speaker:present some information at, like, an event.
Speaker:And I thought, oh, I wanna do that. And
Speaker:I also thought, arrogantly, I could do this better,
Speaker:which is very funny. But I thought that everybody
Speaker:was thinking that they could do it better and that they wanted to do that.
Speaker:I don't know. I just was like, whatever desire I had, I
Speaker:figured, oh, this is just, like, what everyone's thinking, which makes no
Speaker:sense because most people don't wanna be parent educators.
Speaker:But it's like the thing in me was like, oh, I wanna do that. That's
Speaker:for me. I talked about this in the calm mama confessions when I talked
Speaker:about getting sober, how my former roommate was on a trip
Speaker:to Yosemite, and my little heart went, I wanna go to
Speaker:Yosemite. And then I did, like,
Speaker:figure out what it is that you want.
Speaker:Like, what is it? What makes you feel alive? What makes you
Speaker:excited? What are you jealous of? I think envy
Speaker:and jealousy are so fascinating because if you see something in someone else's
Speaker:life that you're jealous of, can you create that for yourself?
Speaker:I remember saying to Tiffany, I just wanna be one of these people who go
Speaker:stand up paddle boarding and does yoga and, like, hikes. And
Speaker:then she said, well, you can do that. And I was like, what?
Speaker:And she's like, yeah. If that's who you wanna be, you get to be that
Speaker:person. And what is ironic is while we
Speaker:were talking about that, I was carrying my stand up paddle board back to my
Speaker:car from the beach. Like, in many ways, I already was the person
Speaker:I wanted to be, but I just didn't think that that was available to me
Speaker:or possible. It's so silly to think about, like, oh, I wanna
Speaker:be like that person. It feels petty, but rather than
Speaker:judging it, radical honesty, radical listing,
Speaker:radical acceptance. If you want that, go get it.
Speaker:Create it. Prioritize it. Commit to it. Make it possible. And
Speaker:maybe he'll do it for a while and you'll be like, oh, that's not what
Speaker:I really wanted. That's fine too. You know, we can stop and
Speaker:start and move around and figure out what we are. So there's this concept
Speaker:called glimmers, and it's the opposite of triggers. Triggers are
Speaker:these events that happen in our life that make our nervous system
Speaker:fire up. A glimmer is when it's
Speaker:something that happens that makes you light up, like get excited.
Speaker:So instead of fight flight freeze faint fawn, you get
Speaker:peace, joy, love, contentment, gladness, excitement,
Speaker:whatever those positive dopamine kind of good
Speaker:feelings are oxytocin and serotonin and yumminess.
Speaker:If you notice that you love something, that's your what keep
Speaker:chasing the thing you love. Keep chasing those experiences, bring
Speaker:more and more into your life, and it will become more and more clear what
Speaker:it is that you need to be doing. That's the same for
Speaker:what do you want, and then why do you want it? For me, my personal
Speaker:practice is all about chasing feelings, chasing the
Speaker:thing that I want to feel. So I'm always like,
Speaker:I wanna feel more joy. I wanna feel more excitement. I wanna feel more
Speaker:peace. I wanna feel more rest. I wanna feel more fun. Like,
Speaker:some people challenge me. They're like, fun's not a feeling. I don't know. Let's not
Speaker:get into the weeds. What is it you're chasing? Because it's not the
Speaker:actions necessarily that will get you those
Speaker:things. It's deciding like, oh, what am I looking for? What's the
Speaker:feeling in my body that I want to be feeling? What's the feeling
Speaker:in my head? Like, what are the thoughts I wanna have? What are the things
Speaker:that bring me those? So chasing the whats
Speaker:and chasing the whys and chasing the feelings that will help you take that
Speaker:radical action. So how do you know what the next right
Speaker:thing is? I wanna teach you a strategy called the
Speaker:five whys. So you start and you might need to,
Speaker:like, write these down. Like, it's actually not that
Speaker:complicated. You don't need to write it down. But just thinking about yourself, you
Speaker:will have to write the answers of your own prompt down in order to figure
Speaker:this out. So you start with what do you want.
Speaker:So I decided to do a model of this, with
Speaker:the stop yelling at your kids. Right? Because that's like a big part of my
Speaker:program is to help people not yell at their children anymore and to feel
Speaker:better about parenting, feel more calm, feel more connected, all of those
Speaker:things. So what do you want? Stop yelling at my kids. What
Speaker:do you want to have a job that brings me joy? What do you
Speaker:want? A body that is physically fit. What do you want a home
Speaker:that is, you know, tidy and clean. What do you want a
Speaker:marriage that is based on mutual respect? What do you want?
Speaker:Like, whatever the thing that what it is that you want. What do you want?
Speaker:I wanna know how to manage my money. I want to,
Speaker:feel less depressed, more joyful. Start with what you want. Then
Speaker:you ask yourself, why don't you have
Speaker:that thing? I wanna stop yelling at my kids. Well, why do
Speaker:you yell at your kids? Or why don't you stop yelling at
Speaker:them? So you want to ask yourself, why do you do that? Like, why
Speaker:don't you have it? I I want a tidy house. Why don't you
Speaker:have a tidy house? Then you answer the questions
Speaker:and you keep asking yourself well why why is that true? Why is that true?
Speaker:So, for example, I want to stop yelling at my kids. Great.
Speaker:Why do you yell at your kids? They don't listen to me.
Speaker:Why don't they listen to you? Because I'm not consistent.
Speaker:Why aren't you consistent? Because I feel guilty or
Speaker:overwhelmed, so I give in. Why are you feeling
Speaker:guilty or overwhelmed? I have too much going on in my
Speaker:life. Why do you have so much going on in your
Speaker:life? I don't say no. I don't set boundaries.
Speaker:I don't have enough support. When you get to that
Speaker:bottom five of the five why's, then
Speaker:you get to say: oh, I see some of the actions I need to take.
Speaker:I need to say no. I need to set boundaries and I need to get
Speaker:some more support. So then the next right
Speaker:thing is saying no to something. The next
Speaker:right thing is setting a boundary. The next right thing is
Speaker:getting support. So if you want to stop yelling at your kids,
Speaker:I don't know why you're not in the call mama club yet, because that's what
Speaker:we are learning to do. And it's $30 a month, and
Speaker:you can join at any time. Quit any time. Just come for one month. Come
Speaker:for four sessions. We meet on Tuesdays at 09:30 Pacific. Right?
Speaker:Just show up. Get coached. Get support. Talk to
Speaker:me and we will work it out. Right? I'll help you how to
Speaker:say no. I'll help you how to set boundaries and you'll have support.
Speaker:So we look at the areas in our life and we say, okay, what is
Speaker:it that I want? Why don't I have that? Why why why
Speaker:why? When you get to that bottom why, the answer will be
Speaker:there of what you need to do. If you don't know how to do
Speaker:this, just reach out and ask me and we can talk about it on a
Speaker:consultation or in the club. Now I wanted to go
Speaker:through some of the obstacles or the enemies
Speaker:of radical action. The first one is
Speaker:perfectionism. And I wanna say that
Speaker:perfectionism is a way to protect yourself from receiving negative
Speaker:feedback. It's a way from for, like, keeping you small
Speaker:and keeping you stuck and keeping you trapped. And it
Speaker:signals to me a lack of self trust and a lack of
Speaker:acceptance of yourself or your circumstances. So what
Speaker:I want you to work towards is half ass is better than no ass. Okay?
Speaker:I want you to be a half ass person. If you're a perfectionist, aim
Speaker:for a c plus. Like, just get it done. Just
Speaker:put the the incomplete in your mind,
Speaker:incomplete thing out there. So you don't have to start
Speaker:organizing your house until you're ready to, you
Speaker:know, buy a bunch of stuff from The Container Store or Target or
Speaker:wherever. You don't have to wait
Speaker:to just do one cupboard. Right? Just fold
Speaker:your towels, and maybe that will make you go, oh, okay. Right?
Speaker:Buy one new pillow or get a new pillow from the Goodwill or
Speaker:whatever and put it on your couch and just notice, like, oh, every
Speaker:day, I wanna, like, fold the blankets that are on the couch and put them
Speaker:in a basket. Find a basket in your house. Find a a bin. Use
Speaker:a plastic bag. Like, I don't need you to spend money. You can just
Speaker:do the thing. Right? Don't make it perfect. Another
Speaker:enemy of radical action is people pleasing.
Speaker:So what I noticed I've been thinking about people pleasing a lot less lately.
Speaker:And it really is a it's a it's a form of
Speaker:manipulation. Right? You're manipulating other
Speaker:people's thoughts about you, so that you
Speaker:can feel better. People pleasing is really about controlling other
Speaker:people's narrative of you, that their thoughts
Speaker:about you are she's good, she's nice, she's kind,
Speaker:she's so helpful. Maybe you are kind and helpful and good.
Speaker:And that's great. But if you are needing the other
Speaker:person, or the organization or the group
Speaker:to see you doing those things, And you're
Speaker:leaving your aligned radical action, you're not staying committed to your
Speaker:joy, your time commitments, your priorities,
Speaker:in order to go over here and make other people happy, including
Speaker:your children. It may be because you
Speaker:are in a place of insecurity.
Speaker:So people pleasing often leads to reactive
Speaker:action, that fix it, change it, stop it, solve it, that overdoing, that
Speaker:overworking, that trying so hard because you're trying
Speaker:to fill a gap. You may need to do the same amount of
Speaker:effort, but I want it not to come from the perspective of
Speaker:needing anything from that other person. People pleasing
Speaker:is that form of manipulation of that person's thoughts about
Speaker:you. It's very interesting. We can talk more about it,
Speaker:another time. Other areas that
Speaker:are enemies of radical action are this fear of failure.
Speaker:Like, if you don't believe that you can handle being
Speaker:disappointed, being embarrassed, being hurt,
Speaker:being, misunderstood,
Speaker:if you fear that you will
Speaker:crumble, right, then you may not take big action. You may not
Speaker:try as hard as you want because you're afraid of the feelings.
Speaker:So radical self trust is this idea that
Speaker:you can trust yourself, that you can handle everything.
Speaker:Radical acceptance is that I can also handle every feeling that comes
Speaker:because I know it's temporary. It'll pass. I know how to soothe myself.
Speaker:So the more you practice the hierarchy of healing,
Speaker:the easier it is for you to handle failure. I have
Speaker:areas in my life that I haven't taken big swings, and I know it's because
Speaker:I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the pain.
Speaker:But then I have so much evidence of all this pain that I've handled in
Speaker:the past. And so it's not it's really silly that I won't take the action.
Speaker:So it's it's not something you need to judge yourself about. Just something to be
Speaker:aware of and then soothe that feeling of fear.
Speaker:The other two things are a little more practical. These enemies of
Speaker:radical action, one is overwhelm. You're
Speaker:just not sure where to start. So, hopefully, this episode helped,
Speaker:but, like, start small, do the next thing. I've been
Speaker:using or not so much for me, but, like, telling clients to use ChatGPT
Speaker:to figure out, like, how does somebody get a new
Speaker:job or whatever? Like, how does someone organize their toy bins?
Speaker:Like, ask ChatGPT. Maybe that will give you one idea of what to
Speaker:do to break it down into steps. You can hire a coach who's done
Speaker:whatever you want. So if somebody has managed their
Speaker:money, like, I had a budget coach. She helped me a lot.
Speaker:I've had a business coach. I've had personal
Speaker:trainers. You know, I've had a lot of different support in my life,
Speaker:and I look around and I'm like, who's done what I want? And then
Speaker:I go hire that person. And that's a huge, like,
Speaker:hack. Right? Because they can kind of give you the
Speaker:steps and then you have the accountability to put those steps
Speaker:together. If you don't wanna hire someone, you can read a
Speaker:book. You can join a group of people doing what you want like a Facebook
Speaker:group or an in person group. The thing I want you to know is
Speaker:that if you want to improve an area of your life,
Speaker:your internal wisdom, your core self already knows
Speaker:how to get that. So you can trust that you will
Speaker:make progress, that there's wisdom inside of you, and that you just keep
Speaker:moving forward. So the overwhelm can be soothed by saying,
Speaker:probably do know what to do. Let me just do it. The last one
Speaker:is time management. I've noticed that people think that they don't have
Speaker:time to achieve their goals, and, really,
Speaker:there's always time if we prioritize. Now
Speaker:that means maybe dropping something, like, not doing
Speaker:something that you've committed to and saying, oh, I have
Speaker:to back out of this volunteer position or I have to not take on that
Speaker:project at work or I have to decide that I'm no longer
Speaker:washing the dishes in my kitchen until
Speaker:6PM, which is one of the things I did. Very small step of, like,
Speaker:I'm not gonna clean the kitchen all day anymore because it's a distraction
Speaker:from my priorities. So whatever you want
Speaker:is possible, but it will maybe require you to do
Speaker:something less. I noticed that a lot of people, if they
Speaker:wanna do something like play the guitar or learn to play the guitar or
Speaker:something, you kind of fit in that hobby or that interest or the thing
Speaker:that brings you joy whenever it seems convenient to, you
Speaker:know, and, like, whenever there's an empty space. But is
Speaker:there really ever an empty space in your calendar?
Speaker:Like, no. You fill it. You fill all the empty spaces. So I'd
Speaker:love to see you fill the empty spaces with yourself, making
Speaker:commitments to yourself, putting things on your calendar, and
Speaker:treating those appointments with yourself
Speaker:with as much respect as you treat the time that
Speaker:school starts or the meeting you have at the doctor's
Speaker:appointment. Like, being as respectful to yourself as you
Speaker:would to somebody else you've made a commitment to. Committing to
Speaker:your own calendar. Eliminating distractions is
Speaker:huge, putting your phone on do not disturb, turning off the wifi on your
Speaker:computer while you try to do work, leave your phone in another room,
Speaker:hire a babysitter, lock your door. So there are
Speaker:ways to create time for yourself and to
Speaker:create what you want. It's a matter of prioritizing and staying
Speaker:committed. Now if you commit to something or, like, you think you're committed and then
Speaker:you keep noticing that you don't make any time for it, go back to your
Speaker:calendar, make an appointment. I decided that
Speaker:for the hiking season, because I live in a hot place that we can't really
Speaker:hike in the summer, but from October to
Speaker:June, I can hike. And so I was like, you know what? I'm gonna hike
Speaker:every Sunday morning. Just made a commitment, put that on my
Speaker:calendar, and that's what I do. If I'm traveling
Speaker:or ill or whatever, it's no problem. I can make adjustments,
Speaker:and I'm still committed to it the following week. It's just like a standing
Speaker:appointment I have with myself. Sometimes I invite people. Sometimes I go
Speaker:alone. Sometimes I go with Kevin. It's all good. I it's what I'm doing. That's
Speaker:my commitment to myself. So you get to prioritize your
Speaker:goals. You get to prioritize your joy. You get to prioritize the
Speaker:things that you care about. The last thing I wanna
Speaker:say is all you have to do is
Speaker:start and trust. So with
Speaker:radical action, you don't have to figure out all the parts, all
Speaker:the pieces, all of the things. Just do
Speaker:the next thing that feels aligned and your intuition is kinda
Speaker:like, yeah. Say no to that. Do this instead. Or, oh, that let
Speaker:you up. Say yes. And then just see where you end up. It's a journey.
Speaker:It's fun. Life can be really interesting. Radical action does not need
Speaker:to be stressful. It can bring you lots and lots of joy. And
Speaker:I'm serious about reaching out to me if you wanna talk about any of
Speaker:the things I talked about in the how to heal series. Or if you're like,
Speaker:what is this club thing? Like, what is she talking about? Book a
Speaker:consultation. Let's talk about it and you can join
Speaker:or you can go to the website and join now,
Speaker:calmmamacoaching.com. Click on programs, join the
Speaker:group, and let's move forward. I'd love to support
Speaker:you on your journey to become a calm mama. Alright.
Speaker:I will talk to you next week. Have a great
Speaker:week.