Ep. 4: Success on Your Terms: The Ultimate Middle Finger to Societal Pressure

Jen V. YOUR Best Damn Life!: 00:00:00

Hey. Hey, there. Welcome back to another episode of living your best time life one fuck, yeah, I did. At a time that's just really fun to say.

I'm your host, Jen Vertanen, and today we're gonna dive deep into a topic that's, I think, gonna revolutionize how you think about your life. We'll see. But I'm pretty sure we're still laying the foundations here.

So we're talking about why it is so fucking important to have your own definition of success. How to create one that actually fits you, and why it's so damn easy to fall into the trap of living by someone else's rulebook.

Let's cut the bullshit, like, right off the bat. How many of you are chasing someone else's version of success?

Maybe it's your parents idea of a good life or society's expectations of what you should be doing by now. And if that's working out for you, that is amazing. Absolutely. Keep doing what you're doing.

But if it's not, I think of it as a one way ticket to fuck this shitville. And no one likes living there, let alone you. And if you know what I'm talking about, you know? Oh, you know. So here's the deal.

Success isn't a one size fits all at all. It is as unique as your fingerprint or your weird ability to lick your elbow. And I see you trying it right now. I've tried it, too. I can't do it.

So why is it so damn important to define success for yourself? Number one, it's your life. Like it's your life. End of sentence. Period. You are the one living it day in and day out.

And you get to be the one deciding what makes it worthwhile. Two, authenticity is sexy as fuck. When you're living by your own standards, you become magnetic, like moths to a flame.

People are drawn to those who know who they are, what they want, and show up for themselves to do just that. Number three, it's, like, legit, the ultimate middle finger to societal pressure.

And I love a good middle finger, other than when someone gives it to me because of my driving. But I give it back sometimes.

Nothing says I am a badass like charting your own course and not giving two shits about what others think you should be doing. There's a should? Number four, it's your secret weapon against burnout. Think about it.

When you're chasing your own definition of success, you are way less likely to end up exhausted. Exhausted and wondering, what even the hell am I doing with my life? Number five. It's the key to actual, actual happiness. Shocking, I know.

But it turns out living a life that aligns with your values and desires leads to genuine fulfillment. Who would have thought? Took me a long time to get there, but thankfully, I did.

So I can almost hear you saying, but, Jen, if it's so important, why is it so easy to fall into the trap of living by someone else's definition of success? Great question. So let's break it down. We're wired to belong. So from the time we're like we little rugrats, we are taught to fit in.

Don't rock the boat. How many of you heard that growing up? My grandma. She was so good at that. Don't rock the boat. Follow the rules.

It's hardwired into our DNA to want to belong. So when society, our parents, our peers tell us what success looks like, we just often swallow it hook, line, and sinker.

And it's not good, bad, right or wrong. It just is. But when you know better, you do better. It's also the path of least resistance.

Let's face it, it is easier to follow a pre made blueprint than to forge your own path. When someone hands you a roadmap to success, it can feel like a weight is being lifted off your shoulders.

However, that easy road often leads somewhere that leaves you feeling like a sad sack of emptiness. I've been there, done that. I'm not doing it again. It sucks. I did it for too long. Maybe you have, too.

It's also the fear of the unknown defining your own success. That shit is scary. It means taking responsibility for your choices, and potentially. No, not even potentially. Like, you will disappoint others.

It is much less terrifying to stick to the script, even if that script makes you want to pull your hair out. There's also the comparison trap.

So thanks to social media, we are constantly bombarded with everyone else's highlight reels, and it's easy to fall into that thinking of, well, if it worked for them, it must be the right way. It's not. Unless it is the right way for you. But chances are it's not. Cause you're unique. You are a snowflake. Gorgeous snowflake.

It's also a lack of self awareness. Sometimes we're so busy running on the hamster wheel that we never stop to ask ourselves, what do I actually want?

It's like being on autopilot, but it's to someone else's dream vacation. Like, maybe I want to go to a safari in Africa, which I really really? Do I also want to explore South Africa and the mines to someone else?

That sounds like hell, right? But if you're on autopilot and you're not being intentional with it, that's probably what's going to happen. Unless you're lucky.

And how often do we actually get lucky in life? Sometimes. But I'd rather be intentional and make it happen. So let's talk about how to spot if you are living someone else's definition of success.

Here are some red flags to watch out for. And again, I've been here, done that, live to tell the tale. You will, too. The myth factor.

You've achieved something that should feel amazing, but instead you're like, eh, is this it? Really? This is it. So if you're not feeling that fuck yeah. Energy, not all the time, because that'd be exhausting, too, right?

But if you're not, like, lit up and be like, fuck yeah, I'm doing this. It might be because you're chasing someone else's idea of success. It could also be the Sunday night blues.

If you're constantly dreading Monday or feeling emptiness in spite of having it all, that's a big old warning sign. Your version of success should let you up more often than not, not drag you down. You could be the validation junkie.

Are you constantly seeking approval from others? Do you make decisions based on what will impress people rather than what feels right to you? Ding, ding, ding.

We have a winner in the living for others category. If you're like, oh, yeah, I kind of do do that. Or the identity crisis.

If you've lost touch with who you are and what you enjoy, it might be because you are so busy trying to fit into someone else's mold of success that you've forgotten your own shape again. These aren't good, bad, right or wrong. It goes back to awareness. Right. And once you know, you can't not know.

And once you know better, you try to do better. Or you're doing the goal pull shuffle. Yes, that's my awkward dance, not doing the trump one. Although that's kind of funny.

You achieve something, but instead of feeling satisfied, you immediately move the goalpost. Well, now I need to do x and then I need to do y and then z to be successful.

If your definition of success is always just out of reach, it might not be yours to begin with when you work with me or when you're in my orbit in my world, we don't set ourselves up for failure. Right? It is what is achievable. What do I actually want? And what am I going to do to get there?

And am I willing to be the person I need to be to have that thing? These are all questions that are important to ask yourself. Or you have a values mismatch.

Your actions and your core values are playing on different teams. For example, you value family time, but you're working 80 hours weeks to climb the ladder. That's a recipe for misery. Been there, done that.

Maybe you have too. Or you're working in the joy deficit. When was the last time you felt truly, deeply joyful about your work or your life direction?

If you can't remember, it is time to reevaluate whose definition of success you're living by. Again, joy is not an emotion we can hold for forever, right?

But when you look at the balance of joy, to misery, to emptiness, to fulfillment, like, where are you in that spectrum, right? And are you where you want to be with that? Or where you could be if you listen to what it is you want and how you define success.

So if you're sitting there thinking, oh, shit, Jen, you just described my life, stop. Pause. Don't panic. Recognizing the problem is the first step to fixing it. And you know what?

It is never too late to rewrite your own definition of success, like, ever. So let's talk about how to create your own definition. I've got a step by step process for you.

I don't usually do step by steps, but in this case, this one is really good. So I want you to grab a pen or paper or open up your notes app because you're going to want to remember this. Step one, ditch those fucking shoulds.

First things first, we need to clear out the noise in your head about what you should be doing. So I want you to take a moment right now. Close your eyes. If you're not driving, I mean, truly, safety first.

I shouldn't have to tell you that, but I don't know. We put warnings on everything. So there you go. I want you to take a deep breath and let yourself noodle on.

What shoulds might I be living under and do they fit with who I want to be? Even if it fit at some point in your life, does it fit now? Right? That's all we care about, is now impacting the now and maybe the near future.

But your definition of success, it's going to change over time. And that's just what it's supposed to do. Step two, get real with yourself. This is the time for some hardcore self reflection.

And it can be uncomfortable, but that's okay, you do uncomfortable, awkward things all the time. I want you to ask yourself, what makes me lose track of time? What would I do if money wasn't an issue?

What makes me feel so alive I can barely contain it? What kind of impact do I want to have on the world? And what makes me feel most like myself? You might not have the answers right now.

That is okay, right? You've planted the seeds.

And as you're out walking your dog or, I don't know, at target picking up your meds or what have you, like, all of a sudden it will come to you and be like, oh, now I know, right? So don't. Don't force it. Don't push it. If they're not coming, trust that they will come. Don't censor yourself. Like, let your. Let your mind run wild.

If your answer involves becoming a professional cheese taster who moonlights as a unicorn wrangler, fucking go for it. Like, dude, I want that job. That sounds amazing. I might go with interpretive dancer.

Like, how can you not be full of joy when you're interpretive dancing? That might be your version of hell, but it's my version of heaven. Define your core values.

Your values are like the compass guiding the ship of badassery. What matters most to you? Is it freedom? Creativity? Connection? Adventure? I want you to write them down. These are the non negotiables in your success.

I have a whole blog post about this and I'm going to link it in the show notes below. It's a few years old, but it's pretty good. It's pretty good. It still stands to the test of time. Step four, I want you to envision your fucking life.

So close your eyes again, unless you're driving. And imagine waking up a year from now. You're living your absolute best life.

Or better yet, imagine you're 80 and you are still living and loving the hell out of your life. What does it look like? How do you feel? What are you doing? Who's around you? I want you to get as detailed as you possibly can.

Paint a picture for yourself because details give us specificity, and specificity is actionable. This is your fuck yeah life vision. And it is powerful as hell when you hold this vision and imagine yourself in it. And again, rich, detailed, vivid.

I mean, I'm talking the thread count of your sheets where you're like, I don't want to get out of bed because this is so comfortable. But I'm also excited about today because of what I'm going to do. And who I'm doing with it. It's powerful. Step five, break it down.

So now that you have that vision, make it actionable. What specific goals align with this vision?

Again, whether you chose a year from now, ten years from now, or yourself at 80, what makes that vision possible?

Maybe it's starting the nonprofit you've been dreaming about, like a client of mine, or you're finally writing the novel that you've been building characters for decades, or it's learning to salsa dance in Cuba. I don't know. Whatever it is, write it down. Step six, create your success statements. This is where we bring it all together.

Based on your values, vision, and goals, I want you to create three to five statements that define success for you. For example, I'm successful when I'm continuously learning and growing. Success means having the freedom to travel for three months every year.

I've achieved success when I've helped a thousand women start their own businesses. So in my own life, I've done this exercise. I wouldn't tell you to do it if it. If I hadn't done it, if it hadn't worked for myself and others.

All right, so in my own life, success looks like waking up most days, and I say most very explicitly here, because I'm not going for perfection, but most days excited to do it all over again, doing work that feels good and has a positive impact in the world. I used to help a company that sold socks and diapers, and it was great.

But when you're in the whole blood, sweat, and tears thing to help a company sell more socks and diapers, it's maybe not the right fit for you.

For me, success also looks like relationships, where I wholly trust that I will be loved for exactly who I am, even when I'm not at my best, it looks like loving and trusting myself deeply with the promise that if I'm not, I will do the work to get back there as quickly as possible.

These all came from very hard lessons that I had to learn, learnings that I had to untangle in the shoulds, trusting, believing that what I wanted for myself is possible and that I had what it takes to make that happen for myself. I love money like I really, really do. But note, I it's not anywhere in my personal definition of success.

It doesn't mean I don't place some importance on it, because I do. I like luxury. I like experiences like I like shit that costs money to have. I also love walks in nature, like balance people.

But is it the thing that drives me? Absolutely not. I have turned down roles and gigs and opportunities that I'm just like, I'm not going to be happy doing it.

This is not who I want to be. I'm not going to show up in the way that I want to show up to do what they're asking. And that's okay. So make these statements specific to you.

This everything we've done here is your unique recipe for a Fakia life. Step seven, check in regularly. Your definition of success is never set in stone. As you grow and change, so will your idea of success.

As you learn more about yourself, as the world changes, as things happen to you, your definition of success absolutely should change with it. So set a reminder to revisit these steps every six months or so.

Keep it fresh and aligned with who you are and what you want most for and from your life at that phase of your life. Right? I have one friend who's very much in a phase of rest and recovery.

I have another friend who is excited to take action and go after something she's been wanting to do right. Neither is good, bad, right or wrong, but recognizing where am I at in this phase of my life? Where do I want to be next? How am I going to get there?

How will I know when I've got it? And for most of us, it's going to be how do I feel when I have that right? That's what drives and motivates us. So here is the most important part.

Once you've defined success for yourself, you got to own that shit. Try as best to not let anyone else's opinions or judgments shake your conviction.

Your aunt Karen might think success means a corner office and a fancy car. But if your version involves living in a van down by the river and surfing every day, then that is your fucking life.

And Aunt Karen, she can just shove it up her ass. To be blunt. I mean, I do blunt, right? Doesn't matter what Aunt Karen.

I mean, you can take it as an input, but don't make decisions if that's not what you want. There is no right way to be successful.

There's your way, and that is the only way that matters, as long as you are not being harmful or asshole to others in order to make it happen. And you're going to have to gauge that for yourself. Right? Am I being the asshole? Am I potentially harming someone with this decision or action?

If you are, probably don't do it. But if not if, my guess is more often it falls into the not camp. Go for it. So I'm going to share a quick story about one of my clients, Sarah.

Sarah came to me feeling burnt out and unfulfilled, which is how many come to me, been there, done that. Despite having what everyone else would call a successful career. She was a high achiever, high powered lawyer, making well into six figures, comfy.

Comfy life, corner office, and all the trappings of what we traditionally define as success. But she was miserable. And to me, that is not success when you are miserable.

So through our work together, Sarah realized that her true calling was marine conservation. Her eyes. I mean, you should have seen it. Her eyes lit up when she talked about the ocean.

And she'd been volunteering at a local aquarium in her spare time for years, which shouldn't have a lot of spare time. So it took some serious soul searching and absolutely took courage.

But Sarah eventually left her law career to start a nonprofit focused on ocean cleanup. And, yeah, her family thought she was crazy. Her colleagues could not understand it. But you know what?

She has never been happier or felt more successful. That's what we're going here for. That is the power of defining success on your own terms. It is not always easy. I'm not going to sugarcoat it for you.

But also, so it is never not worth it. Let that sink in. It is never not worth it. So here's your homework. Take some time this week to go through the steps that we talked about.

Just really dig deep and start thinking about your own definition of success. Let it be messy, right? Let it just kind of come out of you. Don't judge it and be like, oh, my God, no. Let it be messy. Doodle. Put stickers on it.

Like, make it fun. Light a candle, grab a glass of wine, whatever gets you in.

Kind of that creative, flowy place where you're not judging, you're not self censoring, you're just letting it go. And remember, this is not one and done. It can and should evolve as you do. So if you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed, don't worry.

That is totally normal. Breaking free from societal expectations and forging your own path. It does take time and practice.

So be patient with yourself, but also be persistent. It's one of my favorite words. Persistent. Your fucking life is waiting for you patiently. I promise you, there is no timeline to this.

And if you do want some support, I absolutely have your back. Go to jenvertanen.com/work-together where you can learn about how we can work together. There's so many ways.

Because I value flexibility, and I want to co create with you what is most supportive for you. We will dive deep into your unique vision of success, and we will create a roadmap to make it your reality.

It's what I do, and I'm really fucking good at it because I've done it for a really long time. I want to hear from you, though. Drop me a message on Instagram. It's en Burton. Or in our Facebook group, and let me know.

What is one aspect of your definition of success that might surprise others? Like, have fun with this, right? When do you get to, like, take the pause and be like, well, what do I really want?

What does success, to me, look like? Have fun with it. Don't be precious with the process. But let's also celebrate our unique paths together to wrap it up.

Success is not what most of us have been taught. It's not about checking off society's boxes or making your parents proud, though that is a nice bonus. I get it.

It is about creating a life that makes you want to jump out of bed in the morning because it feels so authentic and so unapologetically, you. So, until next time, I want you to keep being unapologetically. You dare to define success on your own damn terms.

And remember, it's never too late to create your fuck yeah life. Unless you say it is. Go out there, do the damn work. You've got this.

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