Shownotes
If you keep chasing approval and still feel off, this conversation is for you. Author and coach Kirana Sidin joins host Niharika on Mind Over Matter to talk about what mental resilience actually means, and why it has less to do with never falling and more to do with choosing to come back.
Kirana unpacks the quiet cost of external validation, why self-respect is the real foundation of a stable mind, and one simple, practical way to start living by your own values instead of everyone else's expectations.
About the Guest:
Kirana Sidin is an author, certified life coach, and speaker based in Jakarta, Indonesia. She is the author of Cheers for a Good Life, and her coaching work focuses on helping people gain clarity so they can make better decisions.
Key Takeaways:
- Resilience is not staying strong at all times; it's the ability to step back and still choose to return.
- A lot of mental strain comes from chasing external validation instead of checking in with your own values.
- Weak self-respect often shows up as difficulty saying no and a constant need to feel needed.
- Slow down and ask yourself what's truly essential before reacting to what life or others expect of you.
- Notice what you keep returning to even when no one is watching; that's often a sign of what matters.
- Progress isn't linear. Coming back stronger, slowly and intentionally, matters more than never stepping back at all.
Connect With the Guest:
- Website: https://cheersforagoodlife.com/
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kiranasidin/
- LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kirana-sidin-2a16b4114/
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kiranasidin
- Book: Cheers for a Good Life
Episode Chapters:
[00:00] Cold Open (approx.) - Getting unstuck from the same worry, on repeat
[02:30] The Biggest Misconception About Mental Resilience (approx.) - it isn't about never falling
[08:00] Why External Validation Quietly Wears Us Down (approx.) - performing for approval instead of checking in
[13:00] The Root Cause Beneath Mental Health Struggles (approx.) - weak self-respect and unclear boundaries
[18:00] What a Lack of Self-Respect Looks Like Day to Day (approx.) - always needed, never sure how to say no
[22:00] One Practical Way to Start (approx.) - slow down and ask what's truly essential
[26:00] Sustaining Change and Coming Back Stronger (approx.) - why progress isn't linear
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Transcripts
00:00:06 Niharika: Hey, listeners. Just think about the last time you felt stuck in a loop, replaying the same worry, the same doubt, and the same story about yourself. What if just what if the way the way out wasn't about thinking harder, but about thinking differently?
00:00:30 Niharika: Today we are exploring how the mind doesn't just respond to life, but it shapes it and how understanding that power can change everything around us and you are listening to mind over matter. When we dig into psychology behind resilience, growth, and what it really takes to live with intention and clarity. Joining me today is Kiran. Welcome. It's so great to have you here.
00:01:04 Kirana Sidin: Thank you so much for having me to your show. And I can't wait to have a great conversation with you. Thank you.
00:01:12 Niharika: Yeah. Looking forward. So to start with, a lot of a lot of people believe that mental wellness is something you either have or you don't. Like it's built into your personality by default. What's the biggest misconception you've noticed about what it actually takes to build mental resilience?
00:01:36 Kirana Sidin: Yeah, I think people are always like, uh, I get misunderstood about mentoring students like you have to always stay strong, right? Some kind like that. But I think it's not only happen like that. Resilience means that you have like the ability to the ability to always come back when, when something like probably, uh, is not okay coming to you or probably something that will force you to have a little step back, right? And then, and then you have the ability to come back again to whatever, uh, you feel that it's like, um, important for you and matters to you, even though you think that probably it's hard to do. Yeah. And then like, and then it's not like something that easy for you to do it. And then like some probably is it like, uh, the expectation asks you not to do that. Yeah. And because like, and then you get a little step back in your life, but eventually you always come back because knowing that it's really important for you. It's better for you. And also like that is in line with all of your value. So you always try to always come back to that, to that, you know, to that habit and also like to that mental strength. So by the end of the day, you will get more like a really resilience, uh, personality to, to overcome all of the difficulty that you're facing in your life. Yeah. That's, I think that's kind of misunderstood about resilience. You think that resilience is like always strong and then you, you cannot like have it's always like fall, fall for a while. And then like you having a step back because you're always like getting all get things done and then strongly, but I, I do not think it's something like that. Yeah. Uh, the, the most important thing you can experience the step back, you can experience falling down, but you always have to come back again into that, um, the most important thing that you have to do. That's for me, resilience. Yeah.
00:03:39 Niharika: So true. It's interesting how how we've been taught to look for answers outside ourselves. When when really the work starts with noticing what's already happening inside. And that shift in attention can be the difference between being overwhelmed and being aware.
00:04:02 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. I think you got you got the point. It's very correct. Yeah. Because like, you know, like nowadays nowadays. External validation is like more like important thing in this days modern busy world, you know, like where life is supposed to do this thing because people like expect us to do that. Okay. Also, like, I think it's a great thing for you to do that. Okay. And then like, if you not do it, then I think it's such a waste because you have so much potential and as something like that. But I think the most important thing is always look back to yourself. Okay? Uh, when you think that something is not like align with all your value. Yeah. I think you have to like put aside that external validation also like external expectation, because, you know, when you always continue to continue doing it, you will feel something missing, you will see something off. Yeah. With yourself. Like like you are not doing, uh, something that really align with all of your value or your focus. And also like you are not like doing something like truly matters to you or truly important for you, but just because you think there is like a good thing to do just because, yeah, like you, you just only follow the other expectation. Also, I like only follow the other, uh, external, uh, external. Yeah. External around you. So yeah, I think it's very important for us to always like, come back again to ourself, like asking ourselves a bigger question before you say something before you like, uh, want to decide something when life throws you something and then you have to like simply pause for a while and then like asking yourself a bigger question, like, is this truly matters for me? And then like, is this truly important for me? It's like, is this aligned with all of my value. That's, I think. Yeah. Uh, the, the idea that people will always like, have to look again from theirself to always like, make sure, make sure that are not following the other expectation. Yeah. That's for me. It's like, it's, it's like important thing to do for us, like in this modern busy world that keeping us like more like always chasing the other approval and also like other expectation. Yeah.
00:06:27 Niharika: Having so much sense. And, uh, when you look, uh, beneath the surface of someone struggling with their mental health. Mhm. What patterns or root causes do you tend to see that people miss?
00:06:48 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. I'm not an expert into mental health, actually, but yeah, I can like, only like seeing a little bit about it. Yeah. I think one important thing that they missing is like their self-respect, I think. Yeah. There's like lacking on that area of life, I think because like, uh, why they like, uh, you know, like having like a mental health this is, but I, I, I'm not saying this is correct. Yeah. Because I, once again, I'm not expert on mental health, but I think I have my own opinion. Yeah, I have an opinion about it. And then I want to say that, uh, because they're lacking, uh, of self-respect. Yeah. Because, you know, uh, foundation of a good life or meaningful life and fulfillment, life itself. Like it's like when we, the first basic foundation is when we already have strong self-respect, okay? Because this is all a beginning. Yeah. This foundation is where all of the good things will begin to you. Okay. When we know our value when we know our worth. When we know how to set boundaries and honoring them. Even nobody's watching. Yeah. We will have like more resilience, resilience, personality, and also resilience behavior. So that when, when people like coming to us and then like asking us more like have to do this and do this, like that. I, that I've told you before, like more like, uh, external expectation, also validation, you will easily will, will say, uh, say yes or no. Yeah, say yes or no, because like, you know, what is your worth and you know, what's your value? And also like how to keep that, how to keep your value and worth be, uh, how to like set the boundaries that you have. And then like, it's, I think, I think it's easier, it's easy when you already like, uh, have a strong, uh, self respect you not like Easily have a mental breakdown. Yeah, I think it's it's, I think it will more easier to you when you already have a strong self respect, self respect, and then you will have like more resilience, personality and also like, uh, more like resilience mental. So you cannot like easily like, uh, having a breakdown. So I think, yeah, that's for me, like, uh, uh, once again, I'm not an expert, but yeah, I think that's, uh, if I want to, uh, observe. Yeah. Observe that I think that's their liking on a self respect. Yes.
00:09:28 Niharika: Mhm. And how does that lack of mental resilience show up in everyday life? Like, what does it even look like when someone is unknowingly stuck in those patterns?
00:09:48 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. It's like showing us from the outside. It's like, it's like easier for, for example, like this. They if, if they feel like, uh, they feel needed. Yeah. They will always feel needed if like someone like asking them to do something and then they feel always have to have, have, have that, uh, like, like, uh, you know, like a process how they, they have always to have to need it, always need it. And then that's, that's one easy, easy, easy example. And also like their, like, they cannot like easily, um, to sing when to say yes or no. It's like, it's like they're like having difficulty to decide is it like yes or no? Because yeah, once again, once again. Yeah. They like, uh, always look up to the other expectation. That's, that's the easiest way. Yeah. For, to when there's like from the outside, it's easy. Like they always like chasing other's approval. That's, that's kind of like, yeah, self-respect for me. Like in the daily life that, that that will easily look from the outside. That's, uh, that's, I think the most easiest way. Yeah. They always like continue. And then like, they're always like keeping busy because they feel like being needed is important. But in fact, it doesn't supposed to be that way, you know? Yeah. It's supposed like, yeah, when you like, it's, it's indeed it's important for you. Yeah, it's okay for you being needed, but it's not important why we have to choose chasing that kind of kind of approval from the others. Right? So I think that's the easiest way to, to see that someone is more like, yeah, uh, simply, uh, only always chasing someone's approval. Yeah.
00:11:42 Niharika: Yeah. And if someone is listening right now, Feels ready to make that shift.
00:11:54 Kirana Sidin: Mhm.
00:11:54 Niharika: What's one practical approach you would recommend that they would start with?
00:12:01 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. Okay. So I think the most easiest way to more practical way to start all of this. Yeah. Bye. You have to only like one. You have to slow down for a while. Okay. Little give yourself like, space to think. To think. Yeah. To think clearly about what keeps you. What always, uh, keeps you, uh, get, uh, the attention for. Okay. That's the one thing for sure. Slow down for one and give your space. Give yourself space for little pause and asking a bigger question. Uh, what's truly essential for me? Okay. What's truly important for me, what's mattered to me? That's one thing. And then also the second one is pay attention to whatever, like always coming back to you. Yeah. Again and again. I think that's a clue over there that there is some there is the one that matters to you. If you're always coming back, even though you think that no one is watching, but you still continue doing that. Yeah. Because you feel that probably you feel like more fulfilled when you do that. That's a sign. Yeah. That's a sign that something that really matters to you. So when you already have the answer. Yeah. You only have the courage to leave it. Just leave it. Just just choose your just leave the, your choices, uh, with courage and just leave it because. Yeah, what in the end of the day, you will feel more fulfilled with your life if you already like always doing that when you do something that always like, uh, truly matters for you. And also like probably one simple practical way that starting doing this yet to build a good life. Yeah, to build a meaningful life like that. Yeah. You have to like, uh, slow down and then like choose something like really consciously, intentionally. Yeah. Not just only choosing by default, not just choosing by autopilot because, yeah, once again, because we know that this world, this busy world, always, constantly, uh, push us to, to go into the external validation. But I think, yeah, it's time for you to just slow down for a while and then, yeah. And then like to see what truly matters for you. That's for me where you have to, uh, first, uh, to build that meaningful life. Yeah.
00:14:44 Niharika: Not avoiding the discomfort, but learning to stay with it long enough to see what's on the other side.
00:14:54 Kirana Sidin: Yeah yeah yeah.
00:14:55 Niharika: That's where the real change happens.
00:14:57 Kirana Sidin: Yes. Yes. Yes. Correct. Yes. Yes. I agree with you. Yes. Thank you.
00:15:03 Niharika: And mental wellness isn't, uh, a one and done thing, right. It, it is not something we check off the list. Yeah. How do you help people sustain change over time, especially when setbacks happen?
00:15:22 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. Uh, I think, I think, yeah, we, we do not like saying that like we always have a, like a perfect life. Yeah. And then like, yeah, yeah, sometimes. Yeah. We, we cannot, we cannot pretend that yeah, we will face the problem or probably face the step back. It's okay. It's, I think it's a human. I think we cannot, like always telling that people have to more like always productive and also like, always be the best version of yourself. No, it's it's human for us to, to like, experience a little step back in our life. But the most important thing, but after that, after you experience that, yeah, you have to come back stronger. Okay? You have to come back stronger. And also like, like, uh, you have to maintain. Yeah, you have to maintain that come back. Okay. You have to maintain that. Come back wisely. Yeah. Wisely. Intentionally do not like rushing everything. Yeah. To, to like, uh, you like, uh, like want to chasing everything and then like rushing it like so you can like easily fast to get to that, to that direction. No, I think you have to like, uh, do it little by little and then start like doing it like more slowing down for a while. But, but you, you are sure that you are into that direction again. Okay. So I think that is the most important thing that knowing that, yeah, of course we can have a little step back in our life. It's very human. It's very human. But then you have to come back stronger and and then live it slowly, not rushing it and then enjoy it. Okay. By then you will have more like fulfillment in, in, in your, like pursuing your goals. Yeah. And then doing the focus on your life. So I think that's the easiest way to do it. Yes.
00:17:24 Niharika: Yeah. That, that itself is a hard yeah. Staying consistently in the easier thing.
00:17:32 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Correct. Yes.
00:17:36 Niharika: And like progress isn't linear. Right. And expecting it to be is expecting it to be perfect and something like a straight line is where a lot of people lose hope. But when we stop judging the detours and start learning from them, that's when resilience becomes real.
00:18:01 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. You got yeah, you got that point very right. I think I agree with you. Yeah. When we start like, uh, stop for being perfect and then like, and then just growing again. Yeah, that's the where the resilience begin. Yeah. I agree with you. Yes.
00:18:20 Niharika: And thank you so much for sharing all of these with us today. Yes, yes. If, if people want to continue this conversation or connect with you, where can they find you?
00:18:32 Kirana Sidin: Yeah. Okay. So you can like go to, uh, my website. Cheers for the goodlife dot com. Basically, it's a home for my body of work. You can find my book there. Cheers for the good life. Basically it's something Yeah, I, uh, it's not something like more like more like more grounded way. Okay. And that's like, uh, you can also find my coaching practice there. Yeah. Coaching. I do coaching to my area of expertise is, uh, gaining clarity. And in the end of the day, you will get a better decision. That's my coaching practice. And also probably you can find my writing, my anesthetic, my thoughts. Yeah, probably before it will became a book. Okay. And then, um, you can find also my speaking engagement if you want to, uh, have me on your, uh, workshop or webinar or, or anything. Yeah, you can find it also there. So that is basically, if you want to connect with me, you can jump into the chairs for a good live dot com. Thank you so much for the opportunity.
00:19:35 Niharika: Thank you so much for sharing that. And thank you so much for joining us. It's so great to have you here.
00:19:42 Kirana Sidin: Uh, it's a, it's such an honor to be here. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. It's lovely to to be here with you. Thank you so much. Yes.
00:19:51 Niharika: Beautiful, beautiful. And to everyone listening, take this one thing from the conversation and let it sit with you. Not as a pressure, not as another task, but as a quiet invitation to notice what's possible when you stop fighting your mind and start understanding. That's that's where it starts. Thanks for being here. I'll see you next time on Mind Over Matter.
