00:00:00 How to Stop Overthinking

00:01:24 1. LABEL YOUR EMOTIONS.

00:10:08 2. BUILD SELF-AWARENESS.

00:20:14 3. QUESTION YOURSELF USING SOCRATIC METHOD.

00:28:46 4. TEST YOUR FALSE BELIEFS.

00:42:16 5. MAKE A MIND MAP.

00:52:20 6. PLAY MIND GAMES.

00:59:23 7. USE THE A. B. C. MODEL TO UNDERSTAND YOUR STRESS.

How to Stop Overthinking: The Art of Creating Problems That Don't Exist

By Nick Trenton

Hear it Here - https://adbl.co/4fJfbYU

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DJCQHMTVVideo Description:

In today's video, we're going to talk about how to stop overthinking and

start living a more peaceful and fulfilling life. I'll be covering some

of the key concepts from the book "How to Stop Overthinking: The Art of

Creating Problems That Don't Exist" by Nick Trenton.

How to Stop Overthinking:

The Art of Creating Problems That Don't Exist

By Nick Trenton

Narrated by Russell Newton.

What does stress look like in your

life?

More importantly,

what effects does it have on you?

Most of us use this word “stress”

to describe a range of experiences of

different kinds and intensities,

but one thing is clear - stress almost

always costs us something.

Whether that cost is big or small,

obvious or not-so-obvious,

the fact is that stress takes a

physical,

mental,

and emotional toll on us.

Whether stress is just an occasional

occurrence for you or you’re battling

a more entrenched anxiety disorder,

there are thankfully countless

scientifically proven methods for

cultivating a calmer,

happier,

and more balanced life.

We’ll start this chapter with a few

key strategies that will help you

understand your anxiety so you can

consciously take control.

The first step is always to become

aware of where we stand.

This means taking a clear,

honest look at what anxiety and stress

looks like for us,

and how it functions in our life.

Only then can we start to challenge our

beliefs,

put labels on our experiences,

and start to pick apart the stress

response as it plays out in our

day-to-day lives.

Let’s dive in.

1.

LABEL YOUR EMOTIONS. .

When you’re stuck in an anxiety

spiral,

it can be hard to even put a finger on

what’s happening to you.

All you know is one thing - it feels

bad!

Your thoughts are racing all over the

place,

and you may even feel physically ill.

It’s like overthinking,

worry,

and anxiety are an overwhelming flood

that completely washes over you,

and you can’t escape or defend

yourself.

Think about the last time you felt

completely swamped with anxiety and

overthinking—what did it feel like?

If you find it difficult to find the

right words to describe the intense

feelings,

then this following tip will help you.

Dan Siegel is a professor at the U. C.

L. A. School of Medicine,

and teaches people how to “name it

and tame it."

According to Siegel,

when we label our strong emotions,

we create distance between us and them.

Giving how we feel a name is one way we

can almost step outside of that flood

of anxiety,

rather than being swallowed up by it!

It’s a question of controlling your

feelings or allowing yourself to be

controlled by them.

Or a handy way to think of it is - if

you can see an emotion,

you don’t have to be an emotion.

Psychological distance is the feeling

of perspective we gain over our

ourselves.

The thing is,

when we’re caught in an overthinking

loop or anxious rumination,

we lack awareness.

We may feel a rush of strong negative

emotions,

but we lack perspective or the ability

to say,

“I’m experiencing some anxiety

right now."

Much of our fear comes from our inbuilt

fight-or-flight response instilled in

us by evolution.

Based in the amygdala of the brain,

this reaction is completely

unconscious,

automatic,

and physiological.

To step out of this instinctual,

knee-jerk response,

we need to pause long enough to realize

that we are actually having that

response in the first place,

and this realization brings us into our

“higher brain,” the prefrontal

cortex.

Clinical psychologist Dr. Mitch Abblett

explains how strong emotions like

anxiety can be like a hand held right

in front of our faces.

We are so fixated on that hand that we

cannot see anything else in front of us.

You can completely lose sight of the

fact that the hand is temporary and can

be moved.

You can lose sight of the fact that

there is something beyond the hand.

Most interesting of all,

you may completely lose sight of the

fact that the hand is your own,

and can be moved away at will – if

only you have the presence of mind to

do so.

Simply acknowledging what is going on

by giving a label to your emotions,

however,

reminds you that this hand in front of

your face wasn’t always there,

and that it won’t be there forever.

When you do this,

something special happens - you create

a little gap in which you get to choose

what you do next.

It is as though there is a small moment

of relief created when you can say out

loud,

“I feel like I’m drowning."

The mere fact of you being able to

observe and notice this feeling at all

seems to suggest that there is a part

of you that is not,

in fact,

drowning.

Suddenly,

there is the possibility of another

point of view;

of someone standing outside that

experience and observing the drowning

from a distance.

The immediate result is often relief.

So what’s going on here?

Matthew Lieberman and colleagues

published a paper in Psychological

Science back in 2007,

where they found that “affect

labeling” (i.e.,

putting feelings into words)

actually alters the brain.

When Liberman’s test subjects

underwent fMRI scans while experiencing

strong emotions,

simply labeling these emotions

decreased activity in all the regions

of the brain associated with emotional

regulation,

particularly the amygdala.

This is the little gap.

Once the strong emotional response is

dampened,

then we can go in and allow our

rational brains to step in and solve

problems for us.

This is the lesson that mindfulness

practitioners have been teaching for

years.

When we label an emotion,

it is no longer something we are,

but something we are aware of.

And so we disengage.

And when that strong anxiety is not so

firmly attached to us,

we can make decisions from a calmer,

more deliberate place psychologically.

How do we name emotions as we’re

experiencing them?

It can be difficult in the heat of the

moment,

but that’s exactly when we need to

learn to do it!

Here’s a step-by-step guide -

•First,

simply become aware of what your body

is doing.

Your body is in the moment and will be

the first to alert you to strong

emotions.

Let’s say you’ve just gotten off

the phone with your father,

and a few minutes later,

you become aware of an awful,

antsy feeling around your shoulders and

chest and a horrible,

tight lump in the back of your throat.

•When you notice this physical

response,

stop.

Just pause and bring awareness to it.

Let’s say you excuse yourself and go

and sit quietly in your room for a

moment.

•Next,

breathe a little more slowly and focus

on the physical sensation while you try

to identify what you’re feeling.

You are only looking for a label—not

an accusation,

diagnosis,

or judgment.

Maybe after a few breaths,

you say to yourself out loud,

“I am feeling anxiety ...I’m having

worried and panicky thoughts ...”

•At this point,

you can literally imagine the word

“anxiety” as separate from you.

Visualize the word “anxiety” in

letters that you hold in your hands or

which you can pin to your clothing.

•Keep breathing and notice how you

feel after you give your experience a

name.

Here,

you might be wondering if you need to

get away from the anxiety,

or somehow visualize yourself

destroying it.

But you don’t!

Simple awareness is enough to create

distance.

You don’t have to fight with what you

feel,

or analyze it,

or rush to find a solution.

You just need to be aware and feel what

you feel.

Before any meaningful action can take

place,

you need to be able to see what

you’re feeling.

So just focus on that for a moment.

Try not to say,

“I am stressed."

You are not stressed,

you’re just you,

and you’re experiencing stress.

There is stress.

Stress is occurring.

As you breathe in and out,

try simply saying “stress."

Once you can identify the phenomenon

unfolding,

you can see that it is not especially

attached to you ...if you don’t want

it to be.

It is just something that is happening.

Sometimes with anxiety we can get

caught in a trap,

feeling anxious about how anxious we

feel.

So,

for this exercise,

don’t fight anything.

Our awareness is not a “solution”

to anything;

it’s simply an emergency stop on a

runaway thought process.

It allows us to gently remove the hand

from in front of our face.

2.

BUILD SELF-AWARENESS. .

To be able to label our emotions and to

question our beliefs and thoughts,

there is one thing we cannot do without

- self-awareness.

Anxious rumination can feel like

we’re thinking,

like we’re being aware,

but it’s usually an illusion.

We’re not really solving any

problems,

clarifying the situation,

or getting anywhere—we’re just

going round in circles and making

ourselves feel bad.

To give you an example,

think about someone who suffers from

the all-too-common “health anxiety."

Such a person may spend many unhappy

hours Googling vague symptoms and

investigating scary-sounding illnesses

that they’re certain they have.

They battle constantly with the thought

that they are very,

very ill and maybe even about to die.

If you ask this person what the problem

is,

they will say,

“I have a complicated case of

Ribose-5-Phosphate Isomerase

Deficiency,

and this cramp in my arm is actually an

ongoing seizure,

I’m convinced of it.

But I can’t get any of the doctors to

take me seriously…” You can see,

however,

that this is not the real problem.

With more self-awareness,

the person could instead say,

“When I’m tired or run-down,

I tend to get hyper-focused on bodily

sensations and then get carried away

with researching symptoms and

self-diagnosing.

I know that it’s health anxiety,

though,

and that I’m not really sick."

Self-awareness is like an escape hatch

out of an anxiety spiral,

and it’s not the same thing as just

being more anxious!

A moment of self-awareness in the midst

of an anxiety spiral can be a life

raft,

but it also pays to cultivate an

overall greater sense of self-awareness

in everyday life.

It’s almost as though you’re

inoculating yourself against runaway

thoughts in the future.

Self-awareness is not just a skill,

but a stable,

long-term trait.

It is about knowing and understanding

yourself,

including your strengths,

weaknesses,

triggers,

and joys.

Greater self-awareness is not some

abstract quality.

It results in real self-esteem,

greater calm,

and a more internal focus of control

(i.e.,

the feeling that you are in charge and

not merely reacting to outside forces).

Here are three practical tips to try in

order to deepen your self-awareness.

Tip 1 - Keep a thought diary.

This an easy,

accessible way to constantly

monitor/tune into your feelings and

plans.

Eventually,

you internalize the ability to notice

what you’re feeling without pausing

to put pen to paper.

When you write your thoughts down,

you practice labeling and the distance

it brings.

You also see your own self-talk more

clearly;

what effect does it have on you to

think these thoughts?

When you’re flustered,

sit down and pour everything onto the

page.

But rather than ruminating,

use the journal to go on a fact-finding

mission.

How are you feeling?

What came before these feelings?

What are you thinking?

What is in your control here and what

isn’t?

How accurate are your appraisals?

What resources do you have right now?

What are you trying to achieve and is

your approach working?

What action can you take?

You’ll know a journaling session has

been successful when you close the

pages and feel like you’ve reached an

end and gained some insight into where

to go next.

One tip - focus on the what rather than

the why.

Tip 2 - Engage in mindfulness practices.

You don’t need to have a full-blown

yoga practice or a daily meditation

session to benefit from mindfulness.

Remember,

the key is to gain awareness—and even

a moment of awareness can bring

distance,

control,

and a sense of relief from overthinking.

Practice strengthening the body-mind

connection by doing some deep breathing

and stretching exercises,

or spend some time in quiet

contemplation.

The only goal is to stay present in

your body,

in your breath,

and in the moment.

You are not trying to accomplish

anything,

play “gotcha!” with your thoughts,

or judge how mindful you’re being.

Try to aim for a few seconds of still,

calm awareness peppered all throughout

the day whenever you can remember.

Tip 3 - Take a personal inventory.

When trapped in anxious overthinking,

your mind can convince you that

everything is awful and that you’re

completely hopeless.

But the truth is that you have many

strengths,

skills,

and resources at your disposal.

You always have options.

Beyond that,

you can strengthen your self-esteem by

frankly acknowledging your limitations

and weaknesses.

When you’re aware of your flaws,

you can own them.

There are many ways to learn more about

yourself and what makes you tick—good

and bad.

An easy example is to simply

acknowledge the fact that you have a

tendency to ruminate.

If you know this about yourself,

then you’re instantly empowered to

work around these limitations.

You’re never caught off guard,

unaware of why you do what you do.

You recognize your triggers when they

emerge,

and you know the ways to manage them.

You could take psychometric tests or do

self-assessments like the MBTI,

which will help you better understand

your personality.

You could also ask those closest to you

to share what they understand about

your strengths and weaknesses as people

looking from the outside in.

One interesting exercise is to make a

list of what you think your ten best

and worst traits are (for example,

“dedicated” or “aloof”)

and then compare them to a list you ask

a close friend or family member to

compile.

You may be surprised!

Alternatively,

ask mentors or work colleagues to give

you (considerate)

feedback to help you better appreciate

aspects of your behavior you might not

see clearly.

A therapist is another person who can

help you gain a clear,

balanced,

and accurate view of yourself that can

help moderate the tendency to overthink.

One big caveat about self-awareness and

introspection,

however,

we do not necessarily gain any

self-awareness by simply turning inward

and contemplating our navels.

There is,

in fact,

a wrong way to be self-aware!

It’s easy to imagine why-you only

replicate any bias or blind spots you

have,

and never get to test your theories

against reality.

There are actually two kinds of

self-awareness—internal and external.

The former is about how well we know

our own needs,

goals,

and feelings,

and the latter is about understanding

how others see us.

Introspection typically only helps us

with internal self-awareness,

but we need both types to be balanced,

well-functioning people.

Simply being aware of what we think and

feel doesn’t mean that these thoughts

or feelings are right or helpful.

In fact,

research by organizational psychologist

Tasha Eurich has shown that people who

introspect a lot may actually be worse

at self-awareness!

Seeing that ninety-five percent of

people claim to be self-aware when just

fifteen percent are,

Eurich said that “eighty percent of

us are lying to ourselves about whether

we’re lying to ourselves."

Anxiety and overthinking thrive in the

private spaces in our own minds.

If we can open up those spaces,

shine some light on them,

and invite in others’ perspectives to

moderate our own,

we can reshape the thought patterns

that cause us anxiety.

For example,

you could argue with yourself for years

about whether people secretly dislike

you at work,

writing fruitlessly in a diary under

the guise of gaining awareness about

why you’re so unlikable.

But if you go out there and gather

genuine feedback from your colleagues

and discover that you are,

in fact,

not disliked at all,

you gain real,

usable self-awareness that will

diminish your anxiety,

not increase it!

3.

QUESTION YOURSELF USING SOCRATIC

METHOD .

If you suffer from anxiety and

overthinking,

you can sometimes start to think of

your brain as an enemy.

You might start to view thinking of any

kind as stressful and exhausting.

But the truth is,

your brain,

and the rationality it is capable of,

is a wonderful thing.

The mind is a terrible master and a

wonderful servant,

as they say.

Borrowing some cognitive tools from the

philosopher Socrates can help us train

our faculties to work for us rather

than against us.

Socrates once said,

“I know you won’t believe me,

but the highest form of human

excellence is to question oneself and

others."

For people who find their ruminating

takes on an endless,

compulsive quality,

questions can act as a clarifier,

cutting away at useless rumination and

allowing us to see ourselves and our

thought processes more clearly.

Using the Socratic method,

you will be able to assess the

credibility and logic of your own

thoughts.

This can be a powerful antidote to the

illogic of our most anxious obsessions.

You will also be able to identify your

own thought patterns and recognize

inconsistencies and assumptions.

First of all,

let’s make a distinction - Here is an

anxious question - “What if something

goes wrong?

What if everything goes wrong?"

Here is a more useful question -

“What evidence do I have that this is

a problem?"

Both are questions,

but they act in very different ways.

The first one is open-ended,

vague,

and,

actually,

when you look closely,

cannot have a real answer.

This is the kind of question that

encourages,

you guessed it,

more overthinking.

The second question,

however,

is focused,

deliberate,

and intended to bring clarity.

It has an answer.

And that answer can be acted upon.

When you practice Socratic questioning,

you are emptying your mind and assuming

you know nothing,

then proceeding methodically and

logically.

What do you really know?

Instead of running away with

assumptions,

guesses,

and foregone conclusions,

you discover the answer step by step.

The usual outcome is that you realize

your anxiety was an illusion created by

faulty assumptions,

not objective reality.

Let’s say you do the exercise from

the previous section and uncover an

anxious thought - “My elderly father

is really ill and may not last the rest

of the year."

This leads to,

“He’s probably going to die any day

now,

and I won’t be able to cope when it

happens ...” But if you can open that

gap by pausing,

you can ask questions.

According to Clark & Egen (2015)

the Socratic method survives in

modern-day psychology in the form of

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy,

which focuses on examining thoughts and

beliefs so they can be consciously

modified.

A good question can help you untangle

thoughts that are creating anxiety for

you.

A “good question” is concise,

open (yet purposeful),

curious,

and neutral—i.e.,

there is no judgment or an assumed

right answer.

Conventionally,

Socratic dialogues (and C. B. T.

therapy)

take place between two people having a

conversation.

But with practice,

you can have a conversation with

yourself,

or more accurately,

with your anxious thoughts.

Let’s return to our example and look

at a few questions that can help guide

us out of confusion and stress -

Clarification questions - What do you

mean by “really ill?"

What exactly will happen if you

“can’t cope”?

Questions that challenge assumptions -

Do you have reason to believe he will

die soon?

Are you making assumptions about his

illness?

Uncovering evidence - Can you find any

proof that death is imminent?

Do you have all the information you

need to reach that conclusion?

Exploring alternatives - Is it possible

that he may,

in fact,

live?

How are his doctors framing his illness?

Exploring implications - What effect is

this fear having on your life?

How does this impact others?

By asking these questions,

the person in our example could soon

realize that although his father’s

illness is serious,

there is actually very little evidence

to suggest that he will die.

He can look again at his original

thought - “He’s probably going to

die any day now and I won’t be able

to cope when it happens ...” This

thought causes anxiety and launches a

whole avalanche of other equally

anxious thoughts.

But can it be modified?

After gently questioning himself,

he can arrive at a milder idea -

“There is always a chance that he

could die,

and that is the case for any of us at

any time,

but he is alive and well now,

and there is absolutely no reason to

overthink it."

What’s more,

in the calm that this more balanced

idea creates,

he could start to see that he actually

has very little information and can

take action by talking to his father or

his father’s doctor to better

understand the situation rather than

passively panicking about it.

When it comes to overthinking,

Socratic dialogue can help us slow down

and not simply take our own word for it!

Your brain can be your worst enemy or

your best friend.

Commit to using your brainpower for

good,

and you can actually reduce anxiety by

finding clarity and useful ways forward.

The next time you’ve identified a

stressful thought in yourself,

put it under the microscope and ask it

to defend itself.

Why should you allow an irrational,

inaccurate,

or flat-out wrong idea to torment and

bother you?

Try this process - Step 1 - Put your

anxious thoughts or ideas into a

sentence.

Step 2 - Ask,

is there any evidence to believe it?

Also ask what you one hundred percent

know and what is merely bias,

expectation,

fear,

assumption,

exaggeration,

or catastrophic thinking.

Step 3 - Challenge yourself.

If something seems a little shaky,

look closer.

Deliberately look for alternatives or

counterexamples to challenge what you

currently think.

Step 4 - Rewrite this thought into

something more moderate.

Even if you can remember none of these

steps in the heat of the moment,

just remind yourself to challenge your

assumptions,

ask questions,

and look for evidence.

Remember,

too,

that you don’t even have to come to

some grand conclusion at all.

It is always a possibility that you

withhold judgment and choose not to

react in the first place–we’ll

explore this idea more later in the

book.

For now,

it’s a wonderful thing to simply

decide that you won’t grasp hold of a

thought until it has stood on trial to

justify itself!

4.

TEST YOUR FALSE BELIEFS. .

The funny thing about anxiety is how

unreal it is.

You can convince yourself that

something is really a Very Big Problem,

but if you look at it with another

perspective,

all you can see is a person sitting

safely and comfortably in their living

room,

having a series of electro-chemical

signals run through their brain.

That’s literally it.

The Very Big Problem is simply a story

they’re telling themselves.

Imagine someone having a sudden

“aha!” moment about their own

anxiety.

One day,

they witness someone else having a

panic attack.

They have experienced these awful

episodes themselves countless times,

but they have never seen the process

unfold from the outside,

so to speak.

Observing from the outside in,

they cannot help but be struck by an

obvious observation - the entire

episode is occurring within that

person’s mind.

Inside that mind,

the world is ending.

But the world isn’t ending.

As you can imagine,

this throws light on the observers own

experience.

The next time they find themselves

slipping into an anxious spiral or

attack,

they have this episode in the back of

their mind… for a moment,

they are able to see themselves as an

observer would see them.

The world certainly feels like it’s

ending… but it isn’t.

When we worry and ruminate,

we can take any old story and behave as

if it were true.

We can start with “what if they were

laughing at me?” and end with

“I’m an awful human being and

everyone hates me for sure,” all with

zero correction or input from the

objective world around us.

The brain has an amazing capacity to

entertain thoughts and ideas that

simply aren’t true.

This is an amazing ability that allows

us to be creative,

to plan,

to dream,

and to think up new solutions that

don’t yet exist.

But it also allows us to dream up awful

hypotheticals and fictitious theories

that act like mental torture devices we

make for ourselves.

There’s one blindingly obvious way to

counter this tendency of the brain to

run off unchecked into the

unreal—test it.

Do an experiment.

Compare what’s in your head with

what’s out there in the world and see

if your anxious model of reality

actually stands up to scrutiny.

It sounds like an odd way to go about

it,

but how often have you worked yourself

up into a froth over an idea that you

never once stopped to check the

veracity of?

How often have you told yourself a

mental story and simply assumed it was

true without ever checking to see if it

was?

Much research is now focused on

revealing the relationship between

anxiety disorders,

perception,

and the inability to tolerate

uncertainty.

Psychologist Aaron Beck and his

colleagues claimed that anxiety “is

an uncontrollable affective response

dependent upon the interpretation of a

situation and the appraisal of a

possible threat of negative events."

Basically,

the anxiety is not a result of the

stimulus itself,

but our interpretation of that stimulus

as a threat.

We decide how anxious we feel based on

-

•How likely we think the threat is to

occur.

•How bad we think it’ll be when it

happens.

•How well we predict we can cope.

•How much help we can expect from the

outside.

As you can see,

all of the above are about perception

of reality,

not reality.

If we appraise something as a threat

(for example,

people laughing when we walk into a

room),

we may respond with a racing heart,

a blush,

and a flood of negative thoughts,

i.e.,

“they’re laughing at me."

Almost without knowing you’re doing

it,

you could create a rich inner theory

about this experience designed to deal

with the perceived threat and

uncertainty.

Your anxiety,

once started,

seems to feed on itself so quickly that

you never stop to ask,

“Are they actually laughing at me?"

Testing our false beliefs can act like

a safety valve that breaks the anxiety

cycle.

For a simple example,

you could straight out ask in the

moment if people are laughing at you,

or pull someone aside and ask them in

private what their interpretation of

events was.

“Oh no,

Emma just told a really funny joke the

moment you walked in!"

Using Socratic dialogue,

too,

is a way to test our assumptions before

we get carried away with them.

True,

sometimes you really don’t know—but

this is where tolerance of uncertainty

comes into play.

If you have no way of knowing whether

people were in fact laughing at you,

for example,

you could still conclude,

“Well,

I have no evidence either way."

Sometimes,

you may have a more vague and general

belief,

such as,

“My whole friend group secretly

dislikes me."

This belief,

too,

can be tested.

See if you can ask yourself questions

to test this potentially false belief -

•How likely we think the threat is to

occur—How likely is it really that

people you consider friends all

secretly dislike you?

Is it really all that possible,

given how often they choose to spend

time with you?

•How bad we think it’ll be when it

happens—Even if your friends

occasionally didn’t get on with you,

would that be so bad?

Is it the end of the world if someone

doesn’t like you one hundred percent?

Does one person disliking you mean that

others won’t,

or that you’re completely unlikable?

•How well we predict we can cope—Is

being a little concerned about this

really such a big deal?

Is it really crucial that you find out

how others feel deep down,

or can you handle a little ambiguity?

•How much help we can expect from the

outside—If you struggle with this

idea,

isn’t it possible you can talk to

your friends about how you feel?

Could you sort out your feelings with a

therapist or someone else you trust?

Another very direct way to test our

potentially false beliefs is through

exposure therapy.

Traditionally,

psychologists have used this approach

to help people overcome specific

phobias.

The idea is that if you repeatedly

expose yourself to a stimulus that you

firmly believe you can’t tolerate,

you show yourself that you can tolerate

it.

You give yourself proof that the

thought “I can’t get on a plane

because I’ll crash” is actually not

true.

Your brain makes an interpretation of a

stimulus and decides that it’s a

threat.

But when you repeatedly encounter this

“threat” and nothing bad happens,

your brain soon has to adjust its

appraisal.

This is a very practical way to

directly challenge assumptions,

because the evidence simply cannot be

denied.

Eventually,

you learn to internalize this updated

version of reality,

and let go of your distorted idea of

that reality.

Importantly,

this isn’t something that happens

abstractly in your head.

It’s something you do out there in

the world.

The moment you take thoughts and

feelings out of your head and

externalize them into the world,

you allow them to be tested.

What is real remains,

what is anxious illusion and fantasy

disappears like mist.

To make exposure therapy work,

however,

you have to tolerate the stimulus until

it no longer provokes a fear response.

Quit before this point,

and you only reinforce that the

stimulus is a bad thing that you need

to fear and avoid.

Your anxiety may rise in the face of a

stimulus,

and if you choose to escape at the

moment when your anxiety is highest,

then that anxiety will naturally fall

when you flee the situation.

Your brain will register the drop in

anxiety,

and conclude that escaping was the

right thing to do,

and that the stimulus really was

frightening after all.

This is the exact situation you need to

take care to avoid when using exposure

therapy principles to tackle anxiety.

So,

how can you properly use exposure

therapy in your own life when dealing

with overthinking?

First,

identify a thought or story you’re

telling yourself that is causing you to

feel anxious;

for example,

“I’m incapable of public speaking."

Let’s say the thought of public

speaking causes a major anxiety

response.

The next step is to see if this can be

tested in reality.

Sit down and write a list of graded

steps you can take to gradually expose

yourself to the idea of public speaking.

Remember to tolerate the stimulus until

it doesn’t cause a fear response

anymore.

Maybe you sign up for an amateur acting

class and practice,

in baby steps,

getting on stage and speaking a few

lines,

then gradually increasing the time you

spend on stage.

Work up to offering to give a

presentation at work where you have to

speak for a longer period.

Every time you expose yourself to the

stimulus,

challenge yourself to observe what is

happening - is it really as bad as you

thought?

Are you absolutely “incapable,” or

do you just find it a little unfamiliar

and uncomfortable?

Finally,

keep going and allow your experiences

to gently challenge your original

thought.

Maybe you eventually arrive at a more

balanced view.

“I don’t really enjoy public

speaking,

but it’s something I can do if I need

to,

and I’m sure I could get better if I

practiced."

Not all beliefs and thoughts can be

challenged with exposure therapy.

If that’s the case for you,

try to embrace the uncertainty rather

than rush in with a story or theory to

help counter the perceived “threat."

It can take practice to simply say “I

don’t know yet what kind of situation

this is” instead of “this is a bad

situation."

The next time you encounter an

ambiguous or unresolved situation,

choose to deliberately interpret it as

unknown rather than threatening.

“That girl from last night’s date

hasn’t replied to my text.

I don’t know how she feels about me

yet,” is far less anxiety-provoking

than,

“She hasn’t replied.

She’s definitely not interested.

I hate dating!"

Researchers are now wondering whether

uncertainty intolerance is a kind of

personal characteristic or trait that

predisposes us to anxiety.

Gentes & Ruscio published a

meta-analysis in 2011 in Clinical

Psychology Review exploring this trait

in detail,

and through statistically analyzing the

data,

they found definite and significant

links between mental illness and what

has been called “paralysis of

cognition and action in the face of

uncertainty."

How well a person can tolerate

uncertainty has even been implicated in

things like OCD,

social anxiety,

depression,

and even eating disorders,

so if this is something you recognize

in yourself,

learning to tolerate the unknown could

make a drastic difference to many areas

of your life,

stress included.

5.

MAKE A MIND MAP. .

What does anxiety and overthinking look

like?

Close your eyes right now and visualize

how rumination and stress look.

If you’re like most people,

you might imagine one thing - chaos.

Maybe you imagine a big overwhelming

flood of things running into one

another,

a noisy jumble,

or a riot of things that are moving too

fast and without any order or control.

For many people,

anxious thoughts are often

characterized by never-ending loops,

knots,

tangles,

and too many thoughts piled up on top

of each other in a complete mess,

right?

Knowing this about how anxiety feels

and looks,

we can work backwards to untangle those

metaphorical knots.

Brain dumping is a seriously useful

tool for cutting through this mind

clutter and finding sweet,

sweet clarity.

Think of it as an organized brain dump.

Instead of letting that plate of crazy

mental spaghetti swirl around in your

head,

you put it down on paper,

and see just exactly what you’re

dealing with,

where it starts,

and where it ends.

From there,

you can start to get some relief,

organize things,

claim back a little control,

solve problems,

take action to improve what you can,

and let go of those things you can’t

change.

It's as though you are in a crowded and

chaotic train station,

running around,

getting freaked out about every tiny

detail.

But when you make a mind map,

you zoom out and get a bird’s eye

view of everything.

The train station isn’t a crazy

mess–there’s rhyme and reason in

the way it’s laid out,

and it can be made sense of.

Suddenly,

you don’t feel so overwhelmed,

and you can also start to see how

things can be simplified,

de-cluttered,

and slowed down.

You can certainly see which stimuli can

be completely ignored!

The technique is very simple.

First,

get out a piece of blank paper and a

pen or pencil and sit somewhere

you’ll be undisturbed for a while.

Begin with a focus word or phrase—you

don’t have to nail down the single

Big Issue that’s worrying you;

just put down the first main problem

that springs to mind.

Importantly,

you don’t want to get distracted by

doing it “right” or analyzing at

this stage.

Just give yourself permission to put

everything you’re thinking of onto

the page.

Don’t overthink it.

For example,

you sit down and imagine your head is a

jug and you’re pouring everything out.

The first word that comes out is

DEADLINE. You scribble this in dark,

menacing letters at the center of the

page,

then draw some branches around it.

On these branches,

you explore different aspects of this

main nub of anxiety.

You could explore,

for example -

•How you feel about it.

•The people involved.

•Physical sensations.

•The history of this idea or feeling.

•Events in the past.

•Thoughts about this idea.

•Related areas of concern.

•Why it’s a problem.

•Other complicating factors.

From each of these branches,

you extend more details.

For example,

branching from DEADLINE could be “I

feel resentful and obliged” and

“exhausted” as feelings about an

upcoming tight deadline.

Off of the “resentful” branch,

however,

you may discover you have even more

mental material to dump,

and draw more sub-branches - “I

agreed to this when I knew I

shouldn’t have."

This may lead to some other branches to

do with your job or boundaries that

need strengthening (more on this in a

later chapter).

Now for the second part.

Once you’ve put everything down,

just pause for a moment and see if

there’s anything else in there.

Remember that you are not in

problem-solving,

judging,

or organizing mode just yet.

You are in brain-dump mode.

And yes,

it will be messy (that’s the point!).

How do you organize the mess?

Well,

take a breath and consciously ask your

brain to go into a different mode.

When we overthink and ruminate,

we are in a state of mind where we are

constantly distracted by endless detail

and irrelevant minutiae.

To get out of anxiety,

we need to stop being at the mercy of

these meaningless details and start

instead to take control of them.

Cut through the clutter with these four

questions -

•What can I control?

•What can I not control?

•What can I DO to improve my

situation?

•What really matters to me most?

When we focus on control,

concrete action,

and our values,

it’s as though we have a sword that

cuts through mental confusion and

overwhelm.

Let’s go back to our example.

You look at the resulting mind map and

ask first what you can control.

You see that you cannot change the fact

of the deadline,

or the fact of what you have already

done in the past.

But you see that you can control what

you do right now.

You have a look at your mind map and

see some patterns (in previous maps you

might have made,

too.)

You keep turning these questions over

and over again,

and the issue begins to take a simpler,

clearer shape.

It seems that every time you agree to

act against your own principles or

values,

and any time you take on the work you

think you should be doing rather than

the work you can realistically do,

then you feel stressed and resentful.

Still,

what to actually do with this insight?

Well,

you can make sure you act differently

next time.

But what about now?

Perhaps you take a yellow highlighter

and highlight only those parts of the

mind map that you can reasonably do

anything about.

When you are literally staring at a

page of clutter with only one or two

yellow lines through it,

you can see for yourself how much of

your thoughts are useful,

and how much is pure distraction,

stress,

and overthinking!

It sounds too simple,

but sometimes,

if we can visually see how much of our

stress is unnecessary,

we can more easily let it go.

The stressed mind loves vague,

general visions of doom.

But if you can narrow things down to

specifics,

put words to them,

and start ordering your thoughts,

you start to see how insignificant most

of your thought traffic actually is.

The giant plate of spaghetti,

you realize,

is really just one long noodle that’s

gotten a bit twisted!

Mind mapping takes a little practice.

You have plenty of liberty to adjust

this tool as required until it works

for you and your life.

Just be careful that you don’t

inadvertently give yourself another

tool for rumination!

If you’re feeling overwhelmed,

simply go back to the four questions

above.

If you feel a little lost,

look for patterns.

For example,

even though it feels like you have

three dozen separate things to worry

about,

could they really all be versions of

the same thing?

And if you’re feeling bad,

try to find specific words to describe

it.

“Everything is wrong and I hate my

life” is so big and overwhelming,

but “I am overwhelmed right now by

the number of tasks I feel people

expect me to do” is smaller and more

manageable.

You may carry on even further with your

mind map exercise and eventually

whittle the problem down to,

“I actually have just two things I

need to do now.

It feels like two thousand things,

but when I write them down,

I see that I don’t actually have too

many tasks on my plate."

Once you’ve gotten the hang of mind

maps for stress management,

you can incorporate other techniques

covered in this book.

For example,

you can use a mind map to help you

identify false beliefs you want to

rewrite,

ask questions of yourself,

or put labels on the emotions you’re

feeling.

You can also use a mind map in more

practical,

everyday ways,

for example to order and organize

schedules,

tasks,

lists,

and plans.

Sometimes,

trying to hold such mundane things in

your head is itself stressful;

put it all down on paper and walk away

from it all for a while.

When you come back,

you may find that the whole thing looks

a lot less intimidating.

Finally,

it’s worth remembering that

sometimes,

a mind map alone won’t magically

solve all your problems or shine a

light out of a dilemma.

But what it will always do is put you

in a proactive,

rational,

and conscious frame of mind.

And this will make you feel calmer and

more in control,

whether you solve the problem or not!

6.

PLAY MIND GAMES. .

One powerful weapon we have against

useless overthinking is distraction,

or,

as T. S. Eliot phrased it,

“distracted from distraction by

distraction."

Here’s the thing - if you already

know logically that your rumination

does not serve you in any way,

then you know you can safely ignore it.

Fighting with overwhelming thoughts

just makes them stronger.

What you need instead is a complete

break and to completely take your mind

off things.

Being distracted is sometimes the

perfect (and only!)

way to short circuit rumination and

give yourself enough of a break to gain

mental serenity again.

Yes,

“distraction” has a bad reputation.

But if we use it consciously and

deliberately,

it can be a way to quickly escape a

runaway brain when things like

mindfulness are just not going to work.

Playing “mind games” with yourself

is a little like catching an unhappy

child’s attention by waving a stuffed

toy around.

You can’t rationalize with a

two-year-old having a tantrum about

something that makes no sense in the

first place.

All you can do is cleverly pull

attention away long enough to get them

to calm down!

Think of your anxious brain the same

way—it’s just a child having a

tantrum.

It’s just gotten stuck in the mud and

needs a quick shove to loosen it again.

Here are a few ideas to help you do

just that - Game 1 - Fantasize about

the perfect day.

If there were absolutely nothing to

stop you,

what would your perfect day look like?

If you had all the money,

time,

and energy in the world,

what would you get up to from the

moment you opened your eyes in the

morning?

Have fun with it.

If you like,

you can construct your own imaginary

hypothetical society,

or dream up the perfect home—it

doesn’t have to be realistic or make

any sense.

It just has to be entertaining.

Game 2 - Get lost in questions.

Anxiety and curiosity are mutually

exclusive experiences—you cannot be

both at the same time.

Imagine you’re a child again and

looking at the world with completely

fresh eyes.

What stands out to you?

What’s really weird when you start

thinking about it?

What have you always secretly wondered,

but never actually investigated?

You don’t have to come up with any

profound insights or do anything to

find out the answers to big questions.

Just playing around with being open and

loose.

Like,

who decided where the borders of

countries go?

What was it like when there were no

“countries”?

When was the first time they even used

that word?

Has there ever been someone born

exactly on a boundary?

Game 3 - Go on a mental walk.

One sneaky way to distract yourself is

simply to give your poor overworked

brain a job that is pretty simple yet

engrossing.

You can “displace” anxious thoughts

with neutral or pleasant ones that

require your full attention.

Close your eyes and picture a favorite

place,

a holiday you’ve gone on,

or a well-known route you’ve traveled

in the past.

Now mentally walk through this

visualization,

taking plenty of time to flesh out the

details on each of the five senses.

See how much you can remember from your

childhood home or classroom.

Or try to reconstruct the layout of the

supermarket you used to go to in