What if trying harder isn’t the solution?

For a long time, I thought that if I just did more—learned more, tried more therapies, did each thing better, lived cleaner, worked harder—I could fix all my problems and prevent future ones.

But what if the real shift doesn’t come from doing more...but from letting go?

In this episode, I share what surrender has looked like in my life—parenting my PDA autistic kids, navigating chronic illness and pain, and just trying to make it through the workday.

COVERED IN THIS EPISODE:

• [00:00] Let it Drop In - A Lesson in Surrender
• [03:33] Learning About Radical Acceptance for My PDA Autistic Kids
• [07:17] Letting Go and Watching Their Healing Unfold
• [11:42] Parenting With Radical Acceptance: How Surrender Created Unexpected Solutions
• [16:38] Accepting My Body: Letting Go to Make Space for What Fits Now
• [18:10] Radical Acceptance and Chronic Pain: Allowing Pain and Reducing Suffering
• [23:09] Learning to Surrender: Releasing Control and Inviting Support
• [24:47] From Stuck to Supported: How Surrender Opened the Door to Solutions
• [27:34] Letting Go of the Grind: Thriving at Work With a Chronically Ill Body

As always, learning in life right alongside you.

RESOURCES

• Full show notes: maybethiswillbethecure.com/blog/surrender

CONNECT

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• Instagram - DM or comment @maybethiswillbethecure
• Email - megan@maybethiswillbethecure.com

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DISCLAIMER

The information shared in this podcast is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Consult your physician before making any changes to your health plan. The host, Megan, is not a healthcare provider. Always seek guidance from a qualified health professional for your individual needs.

Megan: Welcome to maybe this Will Be the Cure, a podcast where the wisdom of a healing journey meets the warmth of shared experiences.

Join as we explore the topics of healing, living with chronic conditions, chronic pain, neurodiversity, mental health, and parenting kids with disabilities.

I'm your host, Megan.

So my kids are really into brain teaser puzzles this these days.

You know, like those wooden things that fit together. They also have like metal wands and you have to try to figure out the puzzle things like Rubik's cubes, things like that.

Anyways,

I got a puzzle that was like a brain teaser puzzle. So it's just all wood.

There's not a design or anything on it.

And then the puzzle pieces are shaped like little plus signs that are interlocking together.

And all the pieces can fit in multiple different ways in the puzzle. But there's only one way that you can fit all the pieces in.

So you have to find the exact configuration to get all the pieces to fit in. But as you're doing the puzzle, you can get multiple pieces to fit in the same spot.

So it's really challenging.

And, and you know, the first time I tried to do it, I was, you know, find a piece, see where it fits, push it in,

do the next one. And just kept trying to,

you know, okay, what makes sense where pushing them in. And then I could not get all the pieces in. So I tried it a few times, couldn't get the pieces in.

And then as I was going along, I realized that when a piece actually did fit,

it would just slide in, like drop in on its own. I didn't have to push it.

And so I took all the pieces out and I just started.

I would try every single piece to see which one just kind of dropped in easily.

And eventually after going piece by piece, just finding the ones that drop easily,

I was able to complete the whole puzzle.

And I've been thinking about that because it's kind of like this metaphor for something I've been experiencing in life recently.

And I don't even know the best term for it. I'm going to tell you some of the. I like some of the terms that have made sense to me, but this idea of surrender,

surrendering or radical acceptance,

I don't know, softening,

presence and moving from ease or alignment. So I generally try to present ideas in a logical, sequential way. But today I've just got a lot of random thoughts about this topic and I'm struggling to how to present it in an organized way.

So bear with me. But I just want to explain Something that I've been experiencing in my life. And it reminds me of this puzzle, of moving from that place of ease,

taking this pause and,

you know,

finding what fits naturally and surrendering to that flow instead of trying to force or push things.

So I've mentioned before that when my boys were in burnout and we first received their PDA diagnosis, we joined the paradigm shift program from At Peace Parents.

And a core tenet of that program is this idea of radical acceptance.

And it's this idea of radically accepting our current reality.

And sometimes,

you know, we have,

in the current reality we have these two options that are less than ideal. And we really want that magical option C.

But it's hard to find until you start by just accepting the current reality, the current options in front of you.

And once you accept what's currently there, it makes space for creative solutions or something new.

And it might not be that magical option C, but you wouldn't have seen those creative options until you accept what is currently happening.

So in the program she talks about accepting the reality that your child has a nervous system disability and that as part of that disability they need another safe nervous system to co regulate.

And she'll talk about the only times that your child with PDA feels safe or is regulated is if they're with another safe nervous system,

which a lot of times as the parents or if they're absorbed in a special interest or you know, novelty, something new.

But that also usually requires another safe nervous system that support and also on a screen they can, it can rest their nervous system. So she talked about her own journey and realizing how if her child didn't have one of those things, he'd become dysregulated, aggressive, unsafe,

not able to access basic needs like eating, sleeping, toileting.

And then she talks about the realization that physically she couldn't provide a hundred percent co regulation all the time. You know, sometimes she had to eat, sometimes she had to go to the bathroom or go to sleep,

take care of her other kid.

And so she was presented with,

you know, two less than ideal options.

She could continue to try to provide a hundred percent regulation and lose her own mental and physical health and not be able to take care of her other kid or she could allow more screen time.

And like those were the options at the time.

And as much as she wanted a magical option C, in that moment those were the only two choices available to her.

So she allowed more screen time.

And once she accepted that current reality,

it made space for current creative solutions and getting support. So once she had the space to think,

okay,

you know, her son is on a screen more than she would like. But then she was able to have that space to think about,

okay, what do I have in my life that could support me here? And she had this thought she had done work in,

I think it was Columbia or something, and she had made some friends there and she invited them to come support her and help her. So it was just like this out there idea that she wouldn't have maybe thought of until she accepted what was currently in front of her.

And you know, eventually they got a service dog and au pair and different things like that. And I know that's not the answer for everyone obviously,

but as I've gone on this,

as I've been a parent and as a experienced parenting two kids with pda,

I've noticed that starting by radically accepting the current reality and my choices in this moment,

then allows me the space to come up with other creative solutions.

And for a long time I was so focused on fixing or curing my kids. And you know, as I've listened to autistic voices like adults,

I am embarrassed to admit it because,

you know, I know it can sound offensive, but obviously I came from a place of love and care, but I was really focused on like, I will find a cure, I will somehow find something that fixes is this and they will not have these problems anymore.

And I just kept forcing things so I would,

I was so anxious over every single thing they ate. And if they ate something that I thought could make things worse, I would freak out or I would, you know, I was so paranoid about every product we brought into our home and everything had to be non toxic and I would just panic if they wouldn't do the therapy that I thought that they needed in order to be well,

or if they didn't do something that I thought led to health, anything, I would just panic. And I was trying for years to force that and to figure out a cure.

And what's been interesting is,

you know, eventually they went into burnout and my whole world came crumbling down and I was kind of forced to just let go,

to surrender.

And it's been so fascinating seeing that from this place of accepting all the incredible changes and growth and healing that they've experienced without me forcing it. It just reminds me of that puzzle.

Like the puzzle piece is just dropping in radically. Accepting their nervous system disabilities required a lot of changes.

You know, both me and my husband work from home so that we're physically present most of the time.

We removed arbitrary Screen time limits. I used to be so **** about screen time and how much they were getting and when they were allowed to watch it. And I just removed those screen time limits.

We still are careful with content, but we let go of those arbitrary rules of when they could be on a screen.

We leaned into their special interests instead of homeschooling with a set curriculum. We follow their lead and we support their natural curiosity and their natural interests.

We leaned into lowering demands. We focused on actively accommodating them so that they could access basic needs and come out of burnout. Doing things for them that maybe you think, oh, you can do this on your own, but doing it to make their lives easier and to help their nervous system stay regulated.

Spending hours a day in their rooms to help them feel,

you know, to get the co regulation and the support.

And a lot of those things were not the magical option C I was hoping for. It was hard, but it was the better option of, you know, two less than ideal options.

And it gave my kids the space they need to heal and to make their way out of burnout and to be able to access basic needs, but also to access their creativity, activity and want to be social again.

I was just amazed. This last fourth of July,

you know, a lot of fourth of July's have been really hard for our family.

But this year we went to the movies as a family,

we went and had dinner with family,

we went swimming at while fireworks were going off. And that was just impossible for some years. And so it's been so amazing to see what happens as I just accept what the current reality is and let go and lean in and to see the growth that happens without me pushing.

And I've gotten a lot of opportunities to practice this radical acceptance, this surrendering in lots of little ways over the years.

So for example,

you know, there was something that I thought my son should be able to do at his age and he just wasn't doing it.

And I thought he should be independent in that way.

And this was before we had a diagnosis and I thought he was just choosing not to, like he was just being lazy or it was just anxiety that he just needed to get over.

And so again I just pushed and pushed and I'd be so frustrated and I would lecture him. And then,

you know, after a couple years of that frustration and pushing and getting angry, I had started to learn about lowering demands and I just started to experiment with the idea of can't, not won't,

this idea that he couldn't do, like he can't do this rather than he's just choosing not to.

And so I just surrendered. I waved the white flag,

and I just decided to help him without saying anything. I completely dropped it. I didn't lecture anymore.

In st. Inside, of course, I still would deal with frustration,

but the suffering part of it lessened a little bit when I was saying to myself, he can't do this. He needs help. Not that he's choosing not to. You know, it felt a little easier,

and so I just accommodated him instead.

And what's so crazy is that eventually he started just doing it on his own without my help.

So I tried for years, pushing, wouldn't do it. And then I just let go, and he started doing it on his own.

And I had another situation with my younger son.

He was doing something that just drove me crazy. And I'd get. Again, I'd get so frustrated and angry, and I'd lecture him.

But finally I decided to start, you know, playing with that idea again of,

you know, maybe it's not.

Maybe it's not intentional or, you know, he's, you know, can't, not, won't. Anyways,

I just accepted, you know, this is the current reality. And so I started to think, okay, what is the hardest part of this for me?

Why am I getting so frustrated? And then I started thinking about how I could make it easier for myself without asking anything of him. So I, you know, changed some things structurally to reduce my own suffering, to make things easier for me as this behavior happened.

And so I just let go. I accommodated.

I didn't lecture.

And, you know, because I had structurally changed some things, it reduced the suffering for me.

And I stopped bringing it up to him. I stopped saying anything about it.

And what's so wild is within a few weeks, that behavior that had gone on four years, that had been so frustrating for me, completely stopped.

Another silly example of this is I have one kid that for whatever reason, whenever he dries his hand, he just throws the towel on the floor, like, 90% of the time.

And my other kid gets so angry because he doesn't want the floor germs on the hand towel.

And it was just constantly causing fights. And at first we kept saying, okay, hang the towel up, hang the towel up.

And he never would. And then I would tell my other kid, don't get mad. It's not a big deal. Get a new towel.

And guess what? He would still get mad.

And so instead of, like, trying to push them to change,

I started to just say, like, this is what's going on what would make things easier that doesn't require anything of them. So we got them each their own hand towel color.

So one kid has navy, one kid has turquoise, and those are. They each have their own hand towel colors and we have both hand towels hanging up.

And yeah, it was. Took a little extra cash and a little extra laundry, but guess what?

It completely solved the whole problem.

There's no more fighting, there's no more getting mad.

And. And I don't know if I would get to that creative solution if I hadn't of,

you know, first accepted that this,

they are who they are, they're going to act how they're going to act,

and what can I do that doesn't require anything of them? You know, I'm just thinking of that puzzle piece, finding the thing that just drops in.

This concept of radical acceptance or surrendering can be helpful in other, you know, aspects too. I talked last episode about how I'd gained weight and my clothes little longer fit and how I tried for a year to lose weight without success.

And meanwhile I kept my clothes filled, kept my closet filled with the clothes that didn't fit me anymore. And I kept trying to,

you know,

fit myself into them or,

you know, hope that they would fit me.

And finally I accepted, like, okay, my body's changed and for the foreseeable future, this is my new size.

And I finally cleared out the clothes that didn't fit me anymore. And you know, it was uncomfortable, it didn't feel great. Obviously magical option C would have been that I had just lost the weight and could fit all those clothes again.

But by clearing out those clothes and just accepting where I was currently, it made space, space for new clothes that I liked that fit me,

that were more comfortable and I didn't have to put myself through the wringer every day trying to fit myself into,

squeeze myself into clothes that didn't fit.

So I just accepted where I was at now. And of course, I'm still working on my health, I'm still trying to get better, and I'm open to healing and losing weight.

But for now, I chose to accept my current situation and wear clothes that fit.

I've talked about the book the Way out before that I read for my chronic back pain. And it talks about pain reprocessing therapy.

And it's a similar thing, this process of presence and like, reducing suffering and moving from ease and surrender, radically accepting the situation. I don't know the best term, but you know, as part of the process of pain reprocessing therapy or the techniques that they talked about in the book,

it's presence. So part of it is observing your pain.

So paying attention to it, like tuning in,

what does this pain feel like?

How intense is it? You know, on a number scale 1 to 10, how bad does it hurt?

What does it feel like? Describe it. Is it sharp stabbing pains, is it pulsating?

You know, how does it feel?

And sometimes you can only do it for a couple seconds before the pain is too unbearable. But part of that practice is softening into it,

paying attention to it, being present with the pain.

And the book talks about how a lot of times the pain is made worse or more intense by our thoughts about the pain. It increases that suffering, you know, the fear that it will never get better or the frustration when your pain gets in the way of something.

So it talks about how there's the physical experience of pain,

the sharp stabbing pains or the throbbing or whatever the pain feels like.

But then there's this layer of suffering that's on top of it, that's, you know, our thoughts, maybe our judgment about ourself, that this is how we're feeling, or am I just making things up?

Or is this going to be this way forever?

You know, and so the method is being present with the pain, allowing it, really experiencing it, at least as long as that you can.

And then the other piece of it is finding ways to reduce the suffering.

So if you know your pain gets worse on a long drive, then maybe, maybe you, you know, accept that and map out,

intentionally map out stops along the way so that you can get out and take a break on a long drive.

Sometimes pain is exacerbated by fear or feeling trapped. I remember when my husband first started law school,

he had a flare up of his sciatic pain. He couldn't get out of bed for like two weeks. And so we were terrified about law school starting and what that was going to look like.

And so he knew if he had to be sitting in a desk that whole time during class that it would just flare up.

So he decided to go ahead and email all his professors to let them know the situation and that he would need to get up to walk around, take breaks. And that just reduced,

you know, the fear of feeling trapped. He felt like he had the freedom to get up when he needed to.

And so that, you know, reduces the suffering.

Sometimes when you're trying to, at least for me, be present with the pain, it is too unbearable. Like maybe I can only be present for a couple seconds and then it's just Like I gotta distract myself or find something to reduce the pain.

And so in the book it talks about like having things that you can do to relieve it. So I've talked about that vibrating heating belt that I have. I literally have a million of them now because,

you know, it doesn't cure me, but in the moment it totally helps reduce the pain and relieve that suffering. So,

you know, the whole process is about being present and then finding ways to reduce the suffering where you can and you know, where can you make it feel a little bit less painful?

I've loved coaching and therapy because a lot of it is this process of allowing grief,

allowing pain,

feeling it,

knowing what it feels like, describing it,

but then also choosing new thoughts or new ways of looking at a situation that reduces suffering. And sometimes things are still painful and that's okay, that's life. But I don't have to layer the pain when with this extra layer of suffering.

So it's like allowing the pain but reducing the suffering.

And again, what's been so amazing to me is that some of the things that I've been sad about or that have been frustrating in my life have changed without me pushing for the change.

Like finally once I let go and allowed myself to be sad about it and then,

you know, change my outlook,

find a new way to see the situation.

The situation changes on its own without me pushing for it.

When I think of surrender,

you know, it feels similar to radical acceptance for me.

And I think you can probably use the terms interchangeably, but with surrender, I also think of it as accepting that I'm not in complete control and also asking for help.

You know, before my son was diagnosed, I was on this clean with type 1 diabetes. I was on this clean living journey. I was obsessed with clean, non toxic everything,

carefully watching every item and product and food that came into our house.

And then in spite of all that, my son was hospitalized in DKA and diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. And honestly, it completely broke me and broke my whole worldview. And I realized that I am not in control.

And as much as I wanted to prevent every bad thing, I can't.

And that sounds pretty like defeatist and negative maybe, but it's actually really fraying. It's like this release,

you know,

because I'm not ultimately in control. It's not all on me to prevent everything or make everything better.

You know, life isn't perfect.

And this too belongs. I got that phrase in the At Peace parents program. She always says, this too belongs. And I just think about that all the Time when there's something hard in life, like,

life is meant to be. This whole experience that ex, you know, includes pain and,

you know,

joy.

Another way I've been kind of applying. This is at work in my job. Maybe that sounds silly, but I was given this big project that was just so hard.

I kept getting stuck on it and not getting very far. And, you know, when they first gave me the project, they're like, oh, we think it'll take a year. And then a couple months in, they're like, okay, get it done already.

But it was just so hard, and I just wasn't getting very far and on my own. And finally,

I just,

you know, meditated on it and just,

you know, prayed. Like,

what can I do here? Like, this is so hard. I don't know what to do. I need help. I just was finally surrendering that I couldn't do this on my own,

and I didn't know what to do.

And as I sat and meditated on it,

I had this idea that I needed to get help from other people.

And so I just started out by writing out every question that I had about this project. And it was a long list, pages and pages,

and I was like, no wonder I can't make any progress. It's because I have all these questions and things that I don't know. So,

you know, I met with my manager and I asked her all these questions, and she helped me find the people that I could ask for questions that she didn't know the answer to.

And finally, I made more progress in a few days than I had made in months.

And it started with surrendering that I can't do this on my own. I need help.

Another problem at work that I had been trying to solve and not getting very far.

I finally, again, brought it to prayer and meditation. You know,

I need help. I can't do this on my own. It's so frustrating. I don't know what else to do.

And I had this inspiration to move from a different place.

You know, the solution's not going to come from the same problem space. I needed to shift the energy somehow. So I put on music and I started writing out the vision of what I wanted,

you know, what the dream solution is and what that would look like.

And,

you know, around the same time, serendipitously, we had a situation come up and had to have a meeting about this problem. And finally I got clarity and I got support from other people,

and I was able to write out this plan of, like, what the ideal solution would look like and start to think about what could get us there and, you know, got it into the hands of someone that's in a position to move things along.

And so it started from that shift in energy,

from that surrendering of I can't do this, I need help.

And then another way I've been seeing this in, you know, work is,

you know, moving from alignment.

So this new job is my first salary job.

Before it was always project based or hourly.

So I'm used to the strict hour mentality. And I was worried if I wasn't chained to my desk eight hours a day, I wasn't having any integrity. But with that chain to the desk mentality, I wasn't always producing the best, most quality,

efficient work.

I'd get stuck on something and just try to plow through and I wouldn't get anywhere other than getting closer to burnout.

And one day I wasn't feeling well and I had been pushing all morning on a project that had a deadline and I wasn't getting anywhere. It was just like slow molasses.

And I happened to have coaching that, that morning,

just a short 20 minute coaching call. And it gave me a chance to pause,

to check in with my body and see what I needed, you know. Cause I was talking to her like, I have this project, I have this deadline, I'm not getting anywhere.

It's so hard. I'm having such a hard time working. And she's like, just pause a second like,

what do you need? Like check in with your body, what do you need? And I was like,

I don't feel well, I need to rest,

I need to take a hot bath. And I felt bad because it was in the middle of the workday and I was laying down and then I took a hot bath and I, you know, I just took a long lunch essentially.

But what's crazy is I came back from lunch feeling energized and so much better and completely knocked the project out that afternoon when I had just been struggling and struggling and struggling on it, you know.

And what's funny is I received a bunch of compliments about that project from multiple people.

Even someone that I don't interact with very much reached out to compliment me about it. And it's just so wild to me that,

oh, instead of pushing, I just keep thinking about that puzzle instead of trying to push the pieces in.

Finally I paused and let it fall in. And it was way better than I was trying to do on my own when I was pushing and pushing.

So I've been seeing how working from that aligned place works so much better.

I produce much better results. I'm more efficient when I surrender and move from that aligned state. And ultimately what my work cares about is results.

And so I'm having integrity actually when I'm working from an aligned place,

even if it means a little bit of a longer lunch that day.

So anyways,

that's been my experience with or my experiences with this topic. I don't know if you want to call it surrendering or moving from alignment or moving from a place of ease or radical acceptance,

you know, whatever you want to call it.

I've been seeing a lot of examples of it in my life and seeing how pausing and surrendering and accepting where I'm at has actually allowed more progression and for things to move forward and for the puzzle pieces to fit.

So I'd love to hear from you. Have you experienced this in your life?

Again, just email me or message me on Instagram. I love hearing about other people's experience experiences. So thanks for being here and letting me talk your ear off.

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