Shownotes
Jim, from Gilroy, California, Jim was born in the early 1960s in San Jose, California. His adoption story is complex, shaped by the trauma and loss his adoptive parents faced after losing their youngest biological son. For Jim, the love he sought from his adoptive father was elusive, replaced by emotional and physical abuse in his adoptive family. As Jim searched for his biological family he was disappointed by some misleading events. and he uncovered some unexpected connections and painful revelations.
This is Jim's Journey.
Who Am I Really?
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Transcripts
240 - I Was Hoping That Somebody Would Love Me
[:Cold Cut Intro
[:[00:00:15] Jim: Well, then I hear from my biological sister that no, that my grandparents weren't those type of people. They wanted to keep me. how do you think that made me feel?
ia. Jim was born in the early:[00:01:32] Damon: Jim said his parents had three biological children before he was adopted, but tragedy had befallen the family when their youngest son, George, passed away. sister, also adopted, told him that losing their son left Jim's adoptive mother Suffering from a mental breakdown, so their parents decided to adopt another child, in a partial effort to heal their broken hearts and place their love on another kid.
[:[00:02:02] Jim: matter of fact, sometimes I'll go to the grave site here in Gilroy where he's buried. And I'll say just to introduce myself because I never knew him. Right. So, I don't know what happened. All I know is my mom always had a, I was going to have a nervous breakdown and that's why they adopted me.
[:[00:02:39] Jim: And that's the childhood I had was growing up with. Okay. Growing up thinking why did you adopt me when you can't even hug me or tell me You love me or pat me on the back and I asked my sister you think I was just a replacement I [00:03:00] asked my older sister probably about two years ago because I was doing all these podcast interviews and I always want the truth I don't want anyone to say oh jim.
[:[00:03:25] Jim: The first five years. and I was the adopted one. and I, like I said, I never received any love. I remember always, I'll always remember one day at his retirement party, we work for the same company and we retired at the same company. I remember at his retirement I wanted to give him a hug and tell him, tell him, thank him and say, I love him, which I did.
[:[00:03:52] Damon: Wow.
[:[00:04:07] Jim: Cause he's
[:[00:04:14] Jim: That I've always tried to make people love me so much that it was like, what's the use. I'm never going to feel loved. And people always ask me, when is the first time you ever felt loved, Jim? The first time I ever felt love was when I was going out with my wife, which we've been married for almost 40 years in July.
[:[00:05:00] Jim: She was what she thought I was going to say something serious, right? And I said, well, I'm adopted. And she just says, okay, and she goes, what did you expect? They go, I just expected you thinking there was something wrong with me as an adoptee, you know? So I thinking, okay, she's going to leave me, but no, she just, she.
[:[00:05:42] Damon: so that was the first time you ever heard either parent tell you that they loved you was at 38 when your mother said so.
[:[00:05:51] Damon: Wow. That is fascinating.
[:[00:05:56] Damon: so they were trying to stick their bookmark in your book, make sure [00:06:00] you weren't, they weren't forgotten.
[:[00:06:03] Damon: So staying with that, then do you think that it was a genuine, I love you as you reflect on it, or do you think that it was truly strategic to say so? Hmm.
[:[00:06:37] Jim: And I always used to say, what, what? And cause I didn't really look like him. Right. So, and my dad, my, I didn't look like my dad and I was kept on, okay. But then they started teasing more than they told my sister that she sat, they sat her down to tell her that she was adopted, but they never sat me down.
[:[00:07:16] Jim: And she told me why, because the replacement and all that. And she told me after we had that conversation, she goes to me, but Jim, something about you changed in your teenage years between 12 or whatever, you became more of a rebel. Your whole attitude changed. But see, she didn't realize, nobody realized what was happening to me from the ages of 9 to 11.
[:[00:08:10] Damon: Mm hmm.
[:[00:08:30] Jim: My daughter's 37 now, which back then she was like 16. And we were going to go get an ice cream and all of a sudden this thing on the radio was talking about child sexual abuse. And right there I said, okay, tell him Jim, tell him. So at 52 years old, I told my wife and daughter, I have to tell you guys something.
[:[00:09:19] Jim: And actually she's the only one that knows who the person is because I've never told who it was, but the, one of the hardest parts of that molestation. And when I was going out with her is where she used to live where I used to go pick her up before we were dating, before we got married, the house that all that happened.
[:[00:09:40] Damon: no, really? Hmm.
[:[00:10:03] Jim: She goes, Oh my god, baby. I mean, you had a Think about that all the time. It goes, well, how did you do it? I just did it. I just did it. I just said, everybody has a story, but it took me all those years to finally say something about it. And so all those three years, years of my childhood, I mean, during my teenage years, I used to get in a lot of fights and I started drinking.
[:[00:10:30] Damon: first of all, thank you for. I'm sure that was hard. I could see the emotion and I could hear it in your voice. And, and it is hard for guys to admit stuff that has happened to them. So it's a brave thing for you to come out and admit that because what I sense you doing is opening the door for other guys who have experienced something like what you've experienced, but I also want to circle back if you don't mind for a moment, because.
[:[00:11:27] Damon: Okay. When you sort of hit when it hit you, wait, I must be adopted too. Can you remember what you were thinking about your family structure? How you were treated as one of the kids? Like what kinds of things went through your mind?
[:[00:12:03] Jim: They didn't want to know.
[:[00:12:06] Jim: So I did it all by
[:[00:12:24] Damon: So I'm wondering, did you, when you made this realization that you were an adoptee, was it at that time that you kind of thought to yourself, Oh, maybe that's why we don't get along. Is that, did that hit you at all?
[:[00:13:21] Jim: And I told her, you know what? I can't answer that. People always ask me, what is the hardest cry I've ever had? I've had four parents. My adoptive parents and my biological parents that I've found, right? I went to all four of their services. They're all dead now. I only cried at my adopted mother's gravesite.
[:[00:14:06] Jim: I've never cried like that before. And I, I probably will never. And because it all came back, but
[:[00:14:20] Jim: didn't I go after the guy? And the hard part too, is why didn't I say something?
[:[00:14:38] Damon: Yeah. Right.
[:[00:14:44] Damon: Wow, Jim. This is I'm so sorry to hear this. This is a really rough start right? You're A late discovery adoptee, but unconfirmed because nobody has actually said it to you. You are unfortunately being molested by [00:15:00] somebody in the family, a family that you technically don't belong to, which I'm sure played into your mind also. And you said that your father was beaten you, your adoptive father.
[:[00:15:13] Damon: a lot.
[:[00:15:34] Jim: And I always remember my mom, Jose Jose, my dad, his name was Joe. Jose is in Spanish, Jose Jose, he's had enough. I always remember that.
[:[00:15:46] Jim: that's why I cried so much at my mom's grave site because I remember that
[:[00:16:27] Damon: I'm not asking you this to be controversial, I'm asking you this for anybody else who's listening who has had similar thoughts of dying by suicide. Tell me, Well, tell me why you didn't do it. I'm glad that you're here. I'm want you here. I'm wondering what helped you to not do it.
[:[00:16:56] Jim: she asked me why I didn't do it. But I think of it [00:17:00] now. I could honestly say that I was hoping that somebody would love me, that there was still a chance. Maybe that's the reason why I didn't do it because I already, I, I, I knew exactly how I was gonna kill him and how I was gonna kill myself. I already, I already knew,
[:[00:17:34] Jim: some
[:[00:17:38] Damon: It's absolutely incredible. Wow. Good for
[:[00:17:42] Damon: Jim went on to tell me that from middle school, he had been self medicating with alcohol and cocaine, all of which he used to escape his reality. But Jim admitted when his high was gone, everything he was living through was still right there, waiting for him. [00:18:00] Jim played football in high school, fought with other kids, and tried to prove his manhood.
[:[00:18:20] Jim: that's how I grew up. I mean, I look at it now. I'm looking, I'm 62 years old. I'm sparring kids that are 20. 25 years old. I go, why am I still doing that? And then I thinking in my mind, it goes, am I still trying to prove something to my dad? Cause my dad really liked boxing. Am I really trying to prove something?
[:[00:19:01] Jim: It goes, but Jim, there's nothing that you have to prove. All these kids have respect for you because you spar, but these kids are scared of you. I go, I don't know. It's just something in my. My mind in my heart that is I'm trying to prove something There's a there's a scene in that movie, creed and he's he's getting his butt kicked in the in the fight and rocky and he's in the corner And rocky wants to stop the fight and he's telling him don't stop it.
[:[00:19:44] Damon: Hmm. Ye...
[:[00:19:55] Jim: dad's not thinking I'm, I was [00:20:00] somebody I retired at the same place. He did. I worked at the place for 30 years. I got a teamster pension. I got a great retirement, but I didn't even get a congratulations. Father and son, only father and son to retire at that company. And I didn't even get any congratulations. Nothing. And I'm all thinking, shit, what do I have to do? I didn't, what I
[:[00:20:27] Jim: then when I, when I did find my father, my biological
[:[00:20:44] Jim: biological mother didn't tell him So he didn't have no he didn't have no kids or what he wasn't in he wasn't ever married He was a bachelor all his life.
[:[00:21:06] Jim: So I kind of like,
[:[00:21:08] Jim: good guy, but he didn't really know how to act towards
[:[00:21:14] Damon: At 37 years old, Jim was watching a talk show on TV featuring adopted people searching for their biological family. They were talking about the challenges of non identified information when Jim turned to his wife and said,
[:[00:21:29] Jim: Time It's time for me to go search
[:[00:21:53] Damon: Since he made the decision to search, he wanted his information faster than that, so he went home , to wait it [00:22:00] out. In less than two months, Jim went to his mailbox to find a letter from the county of Santa Clara. He thought perhaps it was a summons of jury duty.
[:[00:22:13] Jim: It says your bio mother was five feet 89 pounds. She had two kids at the time of your birth. She was living with your grandparents and she was living in she was working for a doctor's office. And by biological father information said he was 5'7 medium built, dark haired. He went to high school till 10th grade and quit and went to work full time.
[:[00:22:56] Jim: I was on a job site and there was a gentleman there. His name [00:23:00] was Carlos Brian. He was the foreman of this company that I, I delivered concrete to for 20 years. And we used to talk about life all the time, right? We're all good guy. And he goes, Hey, Jim, what have you been up to? He goes, well, you want me to tell the truth?
[:[00:23:32] Jim: Hey, he looked at me. He goes, Jim, what year were you born? I go 62, he goes, were you born here in San Jose? I go, yeah. He goes, oh, shoot. He looked at me. He didn't know I, I knew the information about my biological father. Carlos is five seven, medium built dark hair, dark eyes. See, I knew that that's, that's Carlos, that's his description.
[:[00:23:59] Damon: [00:24:00] Carlos.
[:[00:24:03] Jim: yes, yes, that's who I'm talking to.
[:[00:24:07] Jim: the description in the paper is Carlos, who I'm talking to. That's exactly what Carlos is. Dark hair, dark eyes, medium built. So when I was talking to him, when I told him the information about my biological mother, he goes, that's when he asked me, what year were you born, Jim?
[:[00:24:46] Jim: It goes, are you serious? It goes, yeah. It goes, that's what the paper says. And says that she had kids. It goes, yeah. It goes, Oh shit. So I'm looking at him. I go, do you know where I could [00:25:00] find her? Cause I don't know, Jim. I goes, I haven't seen her in what? 38 years, 39 years. And it's just, but I know her family still, I could start asking.
[:[00:25:29] Jim: My, my biological father. Well, the other information was he quit high school in 10th grade to go work full time. So I went back to the job site and Carlos says, Hey, what are you doing back here? Aren't you empty? He goes, Yeah, but I have to ask you a question, Carlos. He goes, What's up? He goes, Hey, did you graduate high school?
[:[00:25:59] Damon: Are you kidding [00:26:00] me?
[:[00:26:12] Damon: Holy shit.
[:[00:26:20] Jim: He goes, Hey, Jim. I goes, Hey, I heard about you and Carlos. I go, How the hell do you know? He goes, I used to live with your sister, which is Carlos's daughter for five years. And they talked and she wants to meet you. This is your sister goes, No way. So she says, Okay, so I invited her and her son over to my house where we used to live for over the weekend just to get to know each other.
[:[00:27:12] Jim: That was like 20 minutes from where I live now. So went over there and met his wife and she hugged me, welcomed me to the family and all that. So we did the blood test and several weeks later he came back. It was negative. He wasn't my father. Huh. So that's one of, one of the worst days of my life.
[:[00:27:33] Jim: So I thought,
[:[00:27:35] Jim: yeah. So I thought I found my
[:[00:27:41] Damon: So, pause. Let's go back for a
[:[00:27:46] Jim: rollercoaster.
[:[00:27:58] Damon: You're standing there having this [00:28:00] oh shit moment that this could be your
[:[00:28:07] Damon: I need
[:[00:28:09] Damon: and you go back and he corroborates what you have pulled from this birth certificate and you both are thinking that you're related to each other.
[:[00:28:21] Damon: You said it was awkward, but like, walk me through this moment of you guys standing face to face thinking, I can't believe I am delivering to my birth father.
[:[00:28:33] Jim: I was his face I always remember his face his face was like, he was very nervous to look at me. He kept on looking at me but he was like, he was like a sad look, and I was looking at him like in my, in my body I was shaking because I was all, I can't believe this is happening. it's kind of like a soap opera.
[:[00:28:52] Jim: you know, and and i'm looking at it and right away Though he was happy because we liked each other. We knew each other for [00:29:00] 20 years He was a hell of a great guy. I loved I could actually say I I loved the guy The guy was a great guy. I knew all of his family. All his nephews were in construction I knew all of them.
[:[00:29:23] Damon: That
[:[00:29:26] Damon: Hmm.
[:[00:29:34] Damon: hmm. Okay.
[:[00:29:53] Damon: Six months later, Jim's wife, Tina, was talking with the neighbors, Connie and Dominic, when it comes up [00:30:00] in conversation that Jim and Dominic are both adopted. Dominic had found his birth parents, but they were deceased. The ladies agreed their husbands should chat about their adoption reunion journeys.
[:[00:30:14] Damon: and they exchanged tales. Dominic shared that a local organization called Adoptees Identity Discovery was hosting a meeting, so Jim went along carrying all of the information he had about his birth families. At the meeting, another man named Neil Kyle, who Jim calls his angel, requested Jim's adoption information to try to find his birth mother's maiden name.
[:[00:30:46] Jim: I got three names for you, Jim. Three, because it could be your biological mother. One of them lives in Long Beach, and one of them lives in L.
[:[00:31:18] Jim: The address on White Road,
[:[00:31:34] Damon: Shit, I'm going to stop. So I pulled, I pulled over. I go, what can I do?
[:[00:32:01] Damon: I'm trying to find his address, but I guess I'm just confused. Oh, he says, good luck. It's okay. It got back in my truck. It took off. Right. So two weeks later, I get a call from Neil Kiley. It was about six, seven o'clock at night. I was in Gilroy where I live now. I was visiting my cousin and he calls me.
[:[00:32:43] Damon: Well, what the hell? I did it anyway. It goes, your, here's the number. And you have siblings and she had siblings when she gave birth to me. She really had a, my sister Wanda and my sister Bobby at the time of my birth.[00:33:00]
[:[00:33:06] Jim: she gave me up, but then she had a another son from the husband that she was married to when I found her.
[:[00:33:16] Jim: no, that was Bobby. That was my, my brother from her first marriage. Yeah, that's who
[:[00:33:25] Jim: Bobby. So I called that night.
[:[00:33:31] Jim: Cause I knew my brother's names already. He goes, no, I go, is Bobby there? She goes, no. Well, who is this? This is Jim Serrano. He goes, Oh, I don't recognize your name. It goes why are you looking for them? Or can I help you? It goes, well, you could answer a question for me. She goes, sure. It goes, does January 22nd, 1962 mean anything to you? And there was dead silence over the phone. And [00:34:00] then I said it again. And she goes Who is this and why are you doing this to me? I go this is who you think it is. I don't want to disrupt your life. I have a daughter. I just want to get my medical background. And I won't ever bug you again. And she goes, dead silence on the phone again.
[:[00:34:44] Jim: Okay. So. I picked up the phone. She goes, hi, this is Roberta. He goes, Hey, she goes I don't want to talk on the phone. Can you meet me tomorrow in San Jose at Valley Medical Hospital? My kids have appointments. [00:35:00] Oh, okay. What time? It was 10 o'clock in the morning. Okay. So she kind of described what she looked like and what car she was driving.
[:[00:35:28] Jim: It was like a Hallmark movie. I didn't have no emotion. I was just like Hey, whatever, you know, and she goes, can you come to these doctor apartments with me with the kids? I go sure so I did that for about two hours Then she went back in the parking lot and she told me jim. I gotta tell you something because yeah What I gotta go home and tell your siblings and my husband that you exist Nobody knows about you.
[:[00:36:19] Jim: And I used to tell her that. I used to tell her that all the time. Remember, I found you, you didn't find me.
[:[00:36:31] Damon: to try to find her, like you're clearly motivated, but then you go and meet her in the parking lot with the children at the hospital for their, their appointments, and you said you met her and she fell into your arms crying, but you had no emotion. Why do you think that is?
[:[00:37:05] Jim: When I found my biological family on both sides. My both my grandparents on each side were great gonorrhea or passed away. So I never had any relationship with grandparents. So I missed out on grandparents. I missed out on knowing what love is really, I didn't, I didn't know how to react or hugs and loves from someone that I don't know.
[:[00:37:39] Damon: Yeah, I see what you're saying. Yeah, you've lived a life of not being told you're loved, of not receiving affection. You've had abuse, both by a relative and, you know, the corporal punishment of your father, adoptive. And so I could see how, when someone comes to you [00:38:00] with what is an extreme and overt expression of love, You wouldn't know what to do with it, right?
[:[00:38:07] Damon: got no experience. Yeah, that's really, really interesting. And, you know, I was, I had an interview with Dr. Bruce Perry, who coauthored this book, what happened to you with Oprah. And in our conversation, he talks about this challenge of people with intimacy
[:[00:38:37] Damon: But as you get more and more comfortable in the world, the further you can go, but you always come back to your parents when something goes wrong. But he said the opposite is true for someone who's been through trauma as a child. They're out here. Not understanding what love, affection, and all of these comforts are.
[:[00:39:08] Damon: not in the intimate space, but over here by yourself. I thought that was really fascinating. And that you sound like that's what you're, you lived is this unfamiliarity with affection, love.
[:[00:39:30] Jim: Yeah, exactly. And now, now I'm going to tell you who those kids were. They're going to say, wow. So the next day she calls me up. She goes, my husband said it. Everything that happened to you is not your fault. Come meet your siblings. Come meet your brothers. I went to the house. I met my brothers. I think it was two days later and all those kids were still in the house.
[:[00:40:12] Jim: Her and Her husband were foster parents for 25 years, had 500 kids come through her home.
[:[00:40:23] Jim: 500.
[:[00:40:27] Jim: Yeah. She passed away like two years ago, but they did it for 25 years. And 500 kids went through their home.
[:[00:40:37] Jim: Another kick in the gut, first of all, you had two kids at the time of my birth, and you gave me up. Then you take care of all these other kids. But you know, there's one thing that I'll always remember. She always said that she never, she didn't have no help when I was born.
[:[00:41:24] Jim: And we used to butt heads about that. And she was the type of person to just, because she, raised all these foster kids that she knew how I felt. I used to tell her all the time, even my wife used to tell me, babe, you're never going to understand her, how she feels and she's never going to understand you.
[:[00:42:03] Jim: And I think three months later she passed away.
[:[00:42:11] Jim: Yeah, it was just, it was just a rollercoaster. We just, we wouldn't talk. We would talk. We wouldn't talk. We wouldn't talk. And I was always thinking, wow, you gave me up. And you used to tell me no matter how many times we argue, I'm always going to love you. I'm always going to talk to you. You're never going to get rid of me, but you don't talk to me.
[:[00:42:47] Damon: I can't help thinking one of the things you said early when we first started talking was. You didn't know where you were the first six months of your life, right? That you, you were a foster child, it [00:43:00] sounds like, in somebody's care. Did you see yourself in those kids and how she was treating them?
[:[00:43:17] Damon: Hmm.
[:[00:43:29] Jim: So she told me it was probably the person that was taking care of you in the foster care system. They had to name you. They couldn't just say Baby Doe. So they had to put some name there. So that's who Freddy was. So I was Freddy for the first six months of my life until you. My parents adopted me.
[:[00:43:52] Damon: That's fascinating.
[:[00:44:13] Damon: But what you ended up telling me was that she was verbally abusive to these kids.
[:[00:44:33] Damon: to these children who already don't have permanency, they don't know where they're going to go.
[:[00:44:40] Jim: You know how many times I've seen the kids come in with garbage bags with their clothes? How many times I've seen that? That tore me up. Every time I see a kid, a new kid, oh that, that kid just doesn't want to listen. Oh, that kid, that's why your parents don't want you. Because you act the way you do. Oh my [00:45:00] god, how can you say that to a kid?
[:[00:45:18] Damon: However, she did share that she knew where Jim's biological uncle's furniture store was located in downtown San Jose. One day, Jim is out in his big, huge concrete truck making a delivery when he saw his uncle's furniture store across the street.
[:
[00:45:46] Jim: Who are you? He goes, Well, I'm looking for a raw Well, that's my uncle. Why are you looking for him? He goes, Well, I'm just going to come out and say it. I'm his son. He goes, What? I'm his son. [00:46:00] Here's my phone number. And here's the name of my biological mother, give him this. he looks at me and goes, okay, I walked out of the store.
[:[00:46:31] Jim: But then I find out that he's a, he was a twin. His twin had the same size body as me. It looks like. exactly like me.
[:[00:46:40] Jim: so I met him and we went and did a blood test and he was my father. I went and met all the family. They've been, they've been really, really good to me. I can't say on both sides have been really good to me.
[:[00:47:11] Jim: I mean, you know, I think we
[:[00:47:22] Damon: for your offspring. So oh man, that's crazy.
[:[00:47:27] Damon: Huh?
[:[00:47:49] Jim: She goes, yeah, I think so. It goes, Oh, wonderful. You know, cause I knew they weren't happy about it. So here, so, so I, so here I come into the [00:48:00] party. Surprise. She closed the restaurant down and a bar for me, 200 people. There's my adopted parents sitting in the same table as my biological mother and her husband.
[:[00:48:18] Damon: Oh.
[:[00:48:38] Jim: And all of a sudden I felt my heart was pounding out of my chest and I collapsed. And I called Tina. I goes, babe, call an ambulance. There's something happening to me. They came and got me. They thought I had a heart attack. They took me to the hospital. They put me in ICU for three days. They thought I had a heart attack.
[:[00:49:16] Jim: They're not even talking. And I'm all, Oh Lord, if I had a gun right now, I would just blow myself away. Don't these people understand what they're doing to me? And the next day, the, the doctor released me and says, you know, we don't know what happened, but we heard about your story and we want to send you to a therapist. So I went to a therapist about a week later. Of course, he said I had anxiety attacks and he prescribed me antidepressants. I was on Paxil. I was off work for like two weeks. Three, four months because I couldn't do life. I couldn't do life. I was, I was in the bed, curled up like a little baby.
[:[00:50:11] Jim: Jim was reluctant to go, but eventually he attended service and kinda liked it.
[:[00:50:27] Jim: One day in church, Jim started to feel anxiety over taking him.
[:[00:50:39] Jim: I got home that day from church and I got all my antidepressant pills and I threw it down the drain. I went to my therapist two days later. My therapist goes so what's going on Jim? I goes, well, I don't need you no more. He goes, what do you mean you don't need me no more? I threw all my pills away. He goes, you can't do that, Jim.
[:[00:51:22] Damon: Wow.
[:[00:51:24] Damon: And how did you feel? How did that relate to you? Had you been feeling like you were suicidal? Or are you saying you're glad you got off it because you didn't want to go off it and then feel
[:[00:51:51] Damon: Oh, that's really interesting. You know, I want to ask you something, though.
[:[00:52:21] Jim: it's simple all these years as a husband and as a father, I'm trying to be the man that I wanted growing up. It's simple. I'm just trying to be the man I needed growing up. Everything that I didn't have, I want to be. Because how can somebody think about killing themselves when they're a teenager? How can someone live through sexual abuse? How can someone start drinking at 10 years old? How can someone not feel any love and still make [00:53:00] it? You know my, I, I got tattoos all, I got a lot of tattoos on my body. One of them is from Antoine Fisher, that movie. I'm still standing, I'm still strong. That's on my leg.
[:[00:53:11] Jim: And so my biological mother has been gone for two years. And there's a lot of promises that she used to tell me for those 20 years that I was equal to her other kids.
[:[00:53:42] Jim: I was never equal to any of you guys. And I was, I was considered a bastard in her eyes. And you can't tell me that you can't ever tell me that's not true. And it's dead silence on the phone. And you know what? I got to just keep on going. I keep on [00:54:00] going and telling my story and hopefully it helps. I mean, how's a kid that you go to a sparring event, 21 years old comes up and hugs you and tells you, I knew you were going to come today and I wanted to hug you in person to tell you how much I thank you because of you being so transparent about your suicidal thoughts because as a teenager, I wanted to kill myself too.
[:[00:54:32] Damon: yeah, for sure.
[:[00:54:38] Damon: so let me ask you this, to anybody out there listening who's ever contemplated taking their own life what would you say to them?
[:[00:55:04] Jim: I got the other tattoo, I got my other tattoo on my leg, it says, let your mess be your message. Look, look at my, look at my messed up life that I've had.
[:[00:55:14] Jim: it's my message. though.
[:[00:55:19] Jim: And again, I know one right here. It says, Everything that drowned me taught me how to swim.
[:[00:55:43] Damon: And this is a lot of what happens with people is we either grow up and decide we want to emanate what we saw or be the exact opposite.
[:[00:55:58] Jim: Exactly. Exactly. You [00:56:00] know, it's a funny, I, you know, the, the program, this is us, right? I could watch it. my wife and daughter watched it when it first came out and they watched every episode, right? I watched one episode.
[:[00:56:30] Jim: I'm not ashamed to cry in front of them because they know what I've been through. and the best thing that any parent could ever get from their child is when a kid comes up to them and tells them, dad, I'm so proud of you.
[:[00:56:50] Damon: Yeah. That's amazing, Jim. Thank you so much for being here, man. This was really inspirational. Despite all of the trauma, it was very [00:57:00] inspirational to talk to you. So thank you so much.
[:[00:57:03] Jim: Thank you. Thank you.
[:[00:57:39] Damon: Jim's words were, Let your mess be your message. I hope you're figuring out how to share your message with the world. I'm Damon Davis, and I hope you've found something in Jim's journey that inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search, or motivates you to have the strength along your journey to learn, [00:58:00] Who am I really? If you would like to share your story of adoption and your attempt to connect with your biological family, Please visit, who am i really podcast.com/share. You can follow me on Instagram at Damon l Davis and follow the show at W ai. Really, if you like the show, please take a moment to leave a five star review in your podcast app or wherever you get your podcasts.
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