Can you win in divorce with a Narcissist?

It so heartbreaking and stressful the emotional pain caused by a divorce on you AND your kids, let alone with a manipulative narcissist. In today's episode with an Intuitive Divorce Coach Couple Bill Miles & Kristen Noel, they share with us how to support your child through this tumultuous time and how to battle with the narcs mind games as they confuse and lie to your children. .

PS they also are the Founders of the thriving: Best Self Magazine who have interviewed Lewis Howes and Danielle LaPorte.

If you have a child suffering, or your own heart is suffering through a break up or divorce with a narcissist then you don't want to miss this!

Here are some key moments:

• How to support your child's emotional health
• Honor self through Self Care
• Become the CEO of your Divorce
• Be Thankful and Mindful that you are the Cycle Breaker.

Bill Miles and Kristen Noel are Divorce Coaches who help mothers through divorce and founders of the Best Self Magazine.

Learn more about their amazing work and socials : http://bestselfintuitivedivorce.com

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46. 5 Ways to Support Your Children Through Divorce With a Narcissist

===

a trauma informed spiritual mentor, certified meditation teacher, and human design expert. I'm empowering empaths three times a week in recovery and healing from narcissistic abuse, childhood trauma through human design, self-care, mindfulness advice, and expert interviews. This is season five

Episode 46, 5 ways to support your children through a divorce with a narcissist.

That said no.

That's right. That's not true. Go with how you feel.

Bill and Kristen Noel are divorced coaches who help mothers take control of their divorce, get off the emotional rollercoaster and save precious time, money, and heartache for their family. Together they founded Best Self Magazine , and created of the best self intuitive divorce coaching program.

Bill is a holistic life coach, and Kristen is a certified intuitive life coach. And divorcing a narcissist can be difficult, but it doesn't have to be overwhelming. And that's what we're gonna talk about today with the proper steps you can take to control the process and protect yourself from being taken advantage of by your ex narcissist partner, or I just recently saw in a group your next narcissistic.

So let's dive into the conversation today.

Hello, bill and Kristen, welcome to the podcast.

So that's the good news.

So with a narcissist, our experience is that there's. You know, once a narcissist, always a narcissist. There's been a pattern that's been holding that mother back or playing small or in a dance, if you will, for a long time you have to break that dance. So, and, and maybe, it's more difficult with a narcissist.

I don't deny that that's the case, but absolutely if you break the dance, It's all about stepping out, into your own power, whether narcissist or not, so Absolutely. You can.

And a lot of cleanup and. Really recognized that there was a better way and that we wanted to be a part of that change. That it didn't have to play out this way. And I think, know, I always laugh and say that we begin to, we gravitate towards the things we need to teach ourselves and that we need to learn.

And I think having been through. We really had a calling. We just really had a calling to mitigate those circumstances for other people. And it's really, I mean, I love the word, you can repeat the word empowering as many times as you want during this conversation. Cause it's one of my most favorite words.

because as we say, when you walk beside someone is a coach and you see them reconnect to themselves and to their power, that's a slice of. It really is. And right now we're primarily focused on working with women. Just because initially we said we're gonna, you know, this is for, this program is for everyone.

Well, I think it's hard to get men and women in, into the room together. I think women wanna work with women and men wanna work, you know, when you're going through divorce

eventually. We do have plans of, evolving this program, into like having a branch for men, for conscious men out there who want to navigate divorce differently and show up for their kids.

So that's a goal, that's a, that's a goal down the road. But we had to sort of like pick a lane and we said, okay, let's, let's just dive right into mamas and their babies.

So this is like a, a narrow niche of that best self.

and can

After the commercial. Break

can you talk to how a mother can protect her children through divorce?

So there was a lot of like on-the-job training and a lot of, You know, just a lot of missteps. And I think, you know, just speaking for myself, I, I think that like, you know, especially for mamas, you know, you've got your kids and you've gotta remember that they're like sitting in the front row.

They're in this house, they're in this family unit. Whether you're speaking to them about it or not speaking to them about it, they're feeling it. They're witnessing it, they're seeing it. You're modeling for them. What is a relationship? How do we navigate adversity? And, and I think that probably one of the biggest mistakes is, when parents just can't get out of the way and keep the kids out of the conflict.

And that is a really hard thing to do. It takes a lot of conscious effort, but. You do wanna shield your children. You wanna shield them from having to pick a team to just be involved in the volatility and, you know, depending on what's going on, in the house. That's not to say act like everything's rainbows in unicorns, right?

And that like, life is a Disney movie because they're gonna feel it anyway. It's just that when you are unraveling in your own emotions or your feelings, you. Save that for your coach, save that for your girlfriend, save that for your, your, you know, your friend, you know, your friends and family.

And also, I mean, you want to be able to talk to 'em. It's okay to show your kids like mom's having a really crabby day, you know, or that you're upset. But you know the difference as a mom, you know the difference of. What's okay to show them and what's too much for them to handle. And you also know your kids, you know, their stress level and you know how they process something.

You know that they're gonna have a hard, you know, you've gotta be aware of, like, what is the impact on them? Are they having a hard time sleeping? Are they acting out? So what happens a lot of times is that, People will rush into like, first things first, gotta get a lawyer. You know, they rush into like, gotta get the, you know, get the contract and gotta get the money and gotta get the house and gotta get this and that and the other.

And they think that these other aspects can be saved for later. I'll clean that up later. I'll deal with that later. The kids will be fine. Just, you know, go put them in front of the TV or something, you know. It's not, you can't do that. You just can't do that in the end. And, and again, every situation is different, every family unit, every kid, how the family processes things is different.

But oftentimes kids, you know, they hear their parents screaming, or fighting or arguing or whatever. It's really frightening for them if things aren't really explained to them. It can be far worse for them in their imagination. You know, it's kind of like the boogeyman under the bed. We have to talk to our kids.

They are a part of this. We have to, you have to consciously navigate them through it. Otherwise it sort of plants seeds, of things that maybe you don't want to grow and that you're gonna deal with at some point. And we've both kind of experienced that. I'll let Bill fill in from there, because I think this is more applicable to his situation.

Right. So it really does impact them that, that. The tail is huge and it's for the rest of the life really. That's why it's so important to be mindful of it now in the moment when you're going through it. But one of the big problems, that many mothers face and many parents face that I face was having, an ex that wanted to, try and shape the emotions of the kids, tell them how they should feel, how they

It's one thing to an express, an opinion. And of course I would always advise any parent to. Not disparage the other parent in front of the children. That's rule number one. That rule got broken every day in our world, unfortunately. And the kid suffered for that, but also they didn't have a safe space to feel, to express their feelings.

If they, for example, wanted to express that they cared about dad that was shut down and admonished and they would be literally punished for expressing. And they're home. And so that kind of thing is very, that that's abuse. It's emotional abuse. It's very damaging. So you have to allow kids to feel what they feel regardless of your sentiments about it.

How did you handle it as on the receiving end, right? As that other side with your children to kind of balance that.

Sling mud back, I'm just not going to do it. There were times when my kids would say, dad, why do you let her treat you like that? Why don't you fight back?

That doesn't line up. And so then they can start to see what is real and what is not. Yeah. Who is

That said no.

It's not gonna be like, even if you lose it one day and you're screaming in front of your kids, maybe not. Okay. It's not great. You're not gonna feel good about it, but you as a parent can then go in, it's an opportunity and say, Hey, you know what, buddy? Can I sit, can I sit you down and just talk about that?

Like, I wasn't really happy how I showed up about that and I wanna apologize to you and I wanna explain, you know, X, Y, and Z. And obviously it's gotta be age appropriate and something that's pal, you know, something that they can, you know, little, we say like age appropriate nuggets. But that also empowers your child.

It makes them safe, it validates them. Their feelings matter, their voice matters because invalidated children grow up into invalidated people and partners and, and, you know, and this cycle continues. So it's really about, you know, I mean of, of course, narcissist, there's only one person in the house and only one person's feelings that matter.

But the key is to shift. Because a family unit is made up of a family, a feeling, family, and everyone's, everyone's voice matters.

It doesn't always happen, but it can. We've seen it happen where they're like, oh, getting mad at her doesn't seem to work anymore. Maybe I'll just shut up or something, you know? And okay, that's better than it was before. But it may or may not happen. But even if you, even if those kids have space to, you know, to be, to feel what they feel on one side of the street, that's a lot better than nowhere.

Right? And they start piecing it together as they

We don't wanna be told how to feel. We don't wanna to be told how to process. So, We wanna be safe enough to feel and process our own feelings, and that's the gift you're giving your children. And that is, you know, that's immeasurable.

And he has made it kind of his life's work to, to heal and figure out life. He's a yogi, he's a philosopher. He reads voraciously. He's on a mission to trying to figure this all out, and I know if he had not suffered the anguish and the trauma that he had, It would be a different path for him. I can't say better, worse, doesn't me.

The point is it does guide you someplace, and in his case, it guided him to a place of discovery and learning and helping other people.

And now you've made, you know, you put your child in danger, you're beating yourself up about it. I had a question about the unhealthy coping mechanisms for children. It reminded me of somebody that I know and her child is going through a really, really difficult state right now. Teenager is there as that healthy person.

What is the best way that you can help when you see the signs that your child has unhealthy coping mechanisms.

How is the healthy parent, right? How, how can that healthy , parent being that anchor and being that, voice of reason and holding safe space. Is there anything additional for that parent to do other than just to continue what they're doing and holding onto hope, like to help that child pull out and pull away from that narcissist brainwashing.

The child likes to have like an organ, likes to be on time, right? Likes to, but when he is with one parent, that parent always. Is late for things that child gets stressed out, getting to school late, all this sort of stuff. So we advised our client, who is a little more time organized, and I'm not really passing like judgments or pointing fingers, but in this case, you know, empower your son to when he is with his other parent, you know, in this case a mom, say, look, I want to be organized.

I want to get to school on time instead of just, you know, speak up. What is it that you want? Can I get my clothes out early tonight? I wanna be on time. You know, I don't, it stresses me out. So sometimes kids are afraid to speak up about what they want on an older level, like if it has to do with weight or, and so forth.

Maybe it's like empowering your, your child, to say, Hey, dad, I'm whatever. It's really disturbing. It's not helpful when you, you know, when you say these things, I know what the goal is, I know what it is you want, but this is not, you know, berating me is not a helpful way, demanding that I, you know, do 20 pushups or set ups on the floor, you know, is not really helpful.

And it's like, okay, so like to Bill's point, let's, , seize the opportunity in this and say like, okay, well I know what I'm doing on my side of the street. I know that I'm gonna work really hard to have conscious communication with this kid, and I am going to so hard to make that child feel safe to. Himself or herself. And in doing so, give them their voice and make sure that they just keep reminding them that they have the power. Just reiterating, what Bill said, they have the power to express to the, that parents, and I know that's hard. It's, it's puts the child in a difficult situation, especially if the child is really wanting and craving this relationship with the other parent.

But still it's a life. We need to learn to defend ourselves to, to speak our needs and to also put up boundaries and say, this isn't okay. And you know, if this child is a teenager, I don't know how dramatic it is and I don't know how the kid feels about the other parent. But they also have a voice to say, I don't wanna go over there. I don't wanna be there on weekends. I don't wanna, I, you know, I feel like you know hell when I go over there. And I think that that's something to really pay attention to. Again, going back to the high road and the h and the hard road, you might be, if you are that other parent dealing with a narcissist, you might be the one working double time, triple time, quadruple time, to protect your child and to put those bumpers around them.

But just. You know, try to seize the opportunity in it of like saying, I'm okay, I'm going to give them, I'm gonna try to impart the skillset upon them that I didn't have, I didn't have, cuz I'm in this marriage with that person.

And you know, it's, it's like we say, there's like, it takes two to tango. Well, if one doesn't walk out on the dance floor, there's no.

He is definitely a narcissist. She, and they have four, four kids. She just had to draw a line. I cannot stay married in this relationship, but they've managed to remain friends and part of each other's lives, and the husband still spends time living. I mean, when he comes to visit, he'll stay at the house altogether.

Sometimes, and I'm not saying that that's not easy, there aren't triggers, but the point is, even in the context, You know, being with a narcissist, she said, I cannot be married. We cannot be living together. I can still love you. You're still welcome in the home, and I want to encourage your relationship with the kids. So

To go about divorce. Have I, have we missed anything in What is a better way to, to go through divorce?

But it's like, You know, steroids when the divorce is happening and they just feel, like they don't have the bandwidth or that it's being selfish or both to honor themselves and take care of themselves in the process. But what we find and why we encourage this is that when you do that, everybody wins.

When you are in a more calm and healthy place, you sleep better. You are showing up better for your children, for your. For divorce negotiations, for handling situations, you're less triggered. So that's something that everybody can do. A better job wherever you're at, in the self-care realm is to just

This is really about, like Bill says, getting on a foundation solid footing. Because we all know when you're frazzled and you've been up all night, you know, to have to go and make a decision or your, your kids ask you one more question, you're just gonna, you know, it, it's not the footing you wanna be on to make these, you know, enter into negotiations or to deal with your children or just to show up for your. And, and your long-term health. So sometimes people think that this sounds like more work, but it's actually about strategy.

Time or you know, controlling you through the children. Like you have to remain stoic. You have to remain grounded to be able to consciously handle that. I can. I can imagine.

Is this aligned with how I wanna show up in the world? Am I gonna feel proud of myself if I make this decision or I make this choice? Am I making this for the right reasons? Will I feel good? You know, down the road when my kids ask me a question and I say, I did this, this, this, you know, or, you know, because at the end of the day, everybody else that's helping you with all their opinions and what you should be doing and how you should be handling it, they go back to their lives and you are the one that's gonna be left with the ramifications of these choices.

You want. Oftentimes these mothers have never even given thought to this, you know, and it's not, it's about so many things. It's, it's, yes, it's about maybe custody and division of assets and so forth, but it's really about what the tone and the tenor is that you want in the house. What do you want for your kids?

What do you want for yourself? It really goes deeper and.

We're, we see it when we're ready to heal it. You know, don't beat yourself up, actually give yourself a pat on the back to say like, There was a lot of stuff I wasn't ready to see back then, or there was a lot of stuff I didn't see or I wasn't ready to face, but you're here now and that's the only thing that matters.

The only thing that matters is right here, right now. What am I gonna do with this? Now you know it, now you see it. You might be scared to death. Seeing and, and declaring that you no longer wanna be in relationship with a narcissist is huge.

You've

Everything is a desert. I'm such an idiot. How could I have been with him? Why did I, you know, we've, we all do that, right? That, that, that, but you gotta pull the rec, you know, the needle from that record, because the fact of the matter is, Is that something led you to hear and now you have the courage to see it, to deal with it, to heal with it, to heal it, and to move on.

And now you can write your new chapter and it doesn't ha and you can leave the narcissist behind. So it's really important no matter what's going on. And this is very best selfie, but it's true. Look for the little win. Look for the win. You know, even if you're having a bad day, like Bill and I were talking about this, the other one, one of like the easiest strategies for parents going through divorce and, you know, having this horrible day is like, just take a page from your, your kid's playbook.

It's like, be in the present moment. Because if you can just like pull yourself out of whatever real you're playing continuously and just shift and hit into the present moment with your kid, it's like a life. You know, , it interrupts that regular scheduled program.

Speaking of interrupting their regular program. Just going to hop back into this commercial break and share with you. How you can dive deeper into a community of empath healing from narcissistic abuse. Meeting and our monthly circles gaining meditations through the Patrion and additional information on your human design chart.

So head on over to the Patrion and join now. now. for only $8 and 25. I sense.

house.

What is one of your favorite quotes or takeaways from one of those

You

know

I, I would think that probably the. The biggest takeaway that I had, meeting her was when we interviewed her, she had, just written the Desire map and it was really about becoming clear about what you want, which sounds so obvious, but half of these things sound so obvious and simplistic that that's why they get bypassed.

Cuz we think we know it, we know it. we know it. And the one question that she asked is, how do you wanna feel? And I literally had that painted on a, paperweight on my desk. How do you wanna feel? And understanding the connection of how do I wanna feel and what action steps am I taking to feel that way?

You know, that is super, super empowering. So I think that's

one

It's just being aware of yourself and it's like, oh, that I'm being triggered again. I'm spiraling into X, Y, and z. Just bringing that self-awareness into it, reminding yourself, how do I wanna feel? What can I do in this moment? I may not be able to change the big picture, but I can change something in this moment.

I can shift something that will pull me out.

Unmasking, All the things that we keep hidden. And for, for Lewis, you know, he, there were many things that he felt, you know, he spent his whole life ashamed of in keeping hidden. And involved some sexual abuse and, and he spent so much time and so much effort and energy hiding that, that, you know, that takes so much of your energy on life force.

And suddenly one day he realized the thing which he was trying to hide so much was actually his superpower. And was able to, you know, similar to what we're doing, it's like make meaning from the mess. Like he took this and, you know, wrote this book and outed himself. And I feel like, I feel like where does it compare, you know, how do we, associate that for all of us?

It's like we all wear masks. We wear a mask, like how do we show up in the world? How do we want people to perceive us? What, why is this exterior so important and what's really going on inside? And the hiding doesn't make the pain go away. So I think the un, the notion of unmasking is really powerful.

Right. So it really relates,

And taking the power back in your divorce is the same exact. Being that anchor for your children.

Thank

you. You know, for your service speak.

Yeah, I had just recorded in, in February and produce an episode on this. Episode 19 in this season five. Five ways to rebuild your life after narcissistic abuse. And rise up from echoism. You talked about that.

To look at your own stuff. This divorce can be a massive, massive opportunity and you get to write the next chapter. You don't have to be a victim to that. So that's why I say let's, we should just circle back to the win. It's like it's a win if you're divorcing a narcissist.

taking that

fabulous,

I might have, you know, been crawled up on the sofa crying and feeling sorry for myself. Whereas when I looked across the room and I saw my little boy, I was like, you know what? He doesn't deserve to have his life mired by the events of this situation. Like, I want more for him. And so I'm really thankful.

I always say My son saved me,

So there you have it. You can win when divorcing a narcissist and you already have one because you are divorcing a narcissist. Number two takeaway that I had was you are the anchor for your children. You are the psycho breaker, and you will help them reshape the patterns in their own life with all of your self-care that you do.

Step number three, make sure you're doing your self. And your, your growth mindset and your emotional growth exercises so that you can help them when they are in need and they will see, you know, you will guide them to see the truth versus telling them like the narcissist does and helping your children really is the, and, and that self care and grounding and anchoring within your.

Your practices to help you be as zen and prepared and stoic as possible, that's gonna help you win in the divorce, that's gonna help you win in your relationship with your child, and it's gonna help your child win because you, you are focusing on what you can control, and you're pulling yourself out of the victim cycle and out of the negativity from the narc.

You will be pulling your children out of that quicksand as well by doing all of those practices that are really essential and necessary that I offer. And I share , exclusively in the Empath Healing community

And to be honest, all of those exercises are in my book. Book..

I am so grateful for you listening, finding the show, and sharing it with your. It would give a great boost in the heart center to algorithm to rate and review this podcast. If you are enjoying it, take a screenshot, share it on your socials, share it in a text message to a friend that you know right now needs to be pulled out of the quicksand.

And remember, always key. You're you unique, light shining.

Losing time, I'll fade in fast. I just wanna make it last. Try to let go of the past. I close my eyes. Embrace the blast. Sleepless nights and headache stuff, restlessness to hell and back. What's my purpose? But do I grab a slippery resu surface, a heart attack? Sometimes you just gotta something that'll give you relief.

What we're broken. It's tragic. We're not all elastic, but maybe there's magic. Believe you could.