Deana interviews Tommy Walker who is known as The Mind Engineer. The conversation is in depth and Tommy offers a couple of case studies.

Mentioned Resources:

https://themindengineer.com/

About the Guest: 

Passionate about Inspiring and Helping you Heal and Empower yourself to Become Your Greatest Potential.

Tommy had open heart surgery when he was only 3 years and a half. This left big physical scars, also mental scars. He felt like the black sheep of the family, and was the bullied kid at school. He had many failed relationships, comes from a failed marriage and also many failed businesses. He was stuck, very negative, depressed, and playing it small for many years of his life.

He had tried many things before, and NOTHING seemed to work. That reinforced his feelings of inadequacy and not good enough.

In 2009 he met an amazing woman, and started working with her. Her teachings were unlike anything he had encountered before, but they were undeniably effective. She helped him change his life forever.

In 2011 he married again and has been happily married since. He has created 2 successful businesses, by learning the correct tools to overcome the challenges by focusing mainly on the mindset.

He has been an entrepreneur for over 27 years and has studied and worked on the mind for over 15 years.

He has reached over +150 thousands of people and has been invited to offer lectures around the world.

He is now living his dream life, living with his wife and kids in the mountains. 

He has combined the best practices out there in the world and developed Rapid Subconscious Reprogramming™, a proven system that combines coaching, neuroscience, therapy, spirituality, inner child connection, compassionate inquiry, acceptance and commitment therapy - ACT, self-awareness, and emotional intelligence. By integrating the best practices from these fields, Tommy has crafted a holistic approach that addresses the underlying causes of self-limiting beliefs and helps empower individuals to break free from their constraints.

Rapid Subconscious Reprogramming™ helps people identify their negative programming in their subconscious mind, that came from past negative experiences. Most people are not even aware of the negative self image and stories they have around love, money, success, freedom, failure, etc, and how these are running their life. They only see the by product of these as anxiety, stress, depression, obesity, addictions, procrastination, sickness, and so many other problems.

Tommy guides you in accessing your subconscious mind with unconditional love, facilitating a profound exploration of how and why these negative programs were created. By understanding what these programs are "protecting" you from, you gain the ability to heal and reprogram past events, ultimately liberating yourself from their grip forever.

Tommy wants to remind us that we are meant for greatness, and by connecting with your true self, you will be able to start living the life you deserve. True love, joy, happiness, abundance and freedom are our innate gifts, he wants to help you reclaim what belongs to you.

96% of the people that work with Tommy, start feeling and experiencing some changes in the first couple of weeks.

About Deana:

Deana Brown Mitchell is a driven, optimistic, and compassionate leader in all areas of her life.

As a bestselling author, speaker and award-winning entrepreneur, Deana vulnerably shares her experiences for the benefit of others. As a consultant/coach, she has a unique perspective on customizing a path forward for any situation. 

Currently President of Genius & Sanity, and known as “The Shower Genius”, she teaches her proprietary framework created from her own experiences of burnout and always putting herself last...  for entrepreneurs and leaders who want to continue or expand their business while taking better care of themselves and achieving the life of their dreams.

In 2022 Deana released the book, The Shower Genius, How Self-Care, Creativity & Sanity will Change Your Life Personally & Professionally.

Also, Deana is the Founder & Executive Director of The Realize Foundation. She is a suicide survivor herself, and vulnerably uses her own mental health journey to let others know there is hope. The Realize Foundation produces events and publishes books that let people know there are not alone.

“But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds” Jeremiah 30:17

https://www.realizefoundation.org/

https://www.facebook.com/RealizeFoundation

https://www.instagram.com/realizefoundation/

https://www.linkedin.com/company/the-realize-foundation/

https://www.youtube.com/@realizefoundation5598

https://twitter.com/ScarstoStarsTM

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Deana Brown Mitchell: Hello, everybody, it's Deana at the Realize Foundation. And I'm here today with a really special guest, Tommy Walker. And he is known as the mind engineer. And he has some fascinating things to talk to you about today. So I hope you'll enjoy this episode in our conversation. So welcome, Tommy.

Thank you, Deana, for having me here. It's an honor to be able to be talking with you and sharing this with your community.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I'm so excited about the content you promote in the world. And I think one of the most fascinating concepts I've heard from you is the concept of multiple personas pulling us in different directions. And I would love for you to talk about that.

Thank you. Of course, of course, I know it sounds weird when I talk about the Salesforce DS for some people, because it's like, you know, talking about having different personas inside of me. But what we realized is that, you know, sometimes people say, I'm gonna go do this, and then I don't do it, right. Or I'm going to stop doing this, and you still do it. That in a way starts proving that there's not just one mind, one consciousness, one being because of not, we would just say, I'm gonna go to the gym and start going to the gym, I'm gonna start meditating, I'm gonna start eating healthier. But suddenly I deviate with, from what I'm thinking, isn't that right?

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yes, absolutely.

So from there, we got to start, maybe agreeing answer you. But the general public that was listening, right is that there is something going on in our mind. So what I quoted as there are parts of us, a part of me that would rather stay in my comfort zone and not go to the gym, another part of me that my baby, that's the safe part, but maybe another part of me that yes, wants to the gym and wants to look healthier, wants to be healthy, or whatever. So when we start understanding that it makes it a bit easier, and this is kind of the method that I have is listening to those parts of us. Because we have been bombarded for so many years with different big names, so no need to make to name them, but big names out there. Their techniques work toward a certain point and towards specific people. What do I mean with that? Right? We have come from generation after generation to author a tourism, you shut up, you eat your food, and don't question anything. So we just have kids went down and did what we were told, right? What are we seeing in the new generations, the new generations are challenging us are questioning us, they want to understand why not? Why yes. And when we do that, from a loving place to our kids, normally, we ease their minds. So if it's working with the new generations, maybe the author of tourism that we were exposed to his kids, right? And that it's still in the world, don't get me wrong, is this pushing myself, go do it, you know, push yourself to start eating. Right, or the other thing that I see a lot the is the dance of fears that I call, I'd somebody that is scared of, you know, doing something maybe I don't know doing a presentation, right? So the fear that's probably like a bar I've worked measuring the strength of that fear. The fear is I don't six right of doing doing the presentation. So what a lot of people out there do, right? These big names that work a lot with author a tourism is scared a lot the person. So what if what happens? If you don't do this presentation? What if you screw it up? What if you don't, when they start kind of creating this fear of not doing if I don't do it, I might get fired? If I don't do it, I might not get a raise if I don't do it, I might not get this new position. So they scare themselves to do when we see this a lot. And there was a big talk, I think it was I can't remember his name. Sorry. So many years, I had a guy out there that did a presentation about procrastination, that he said that when there was a deadline, there was more chances of doing things again, because of fear. There's a deadline, the fear of not doing starts becoming more prominent. Why? Because if I don't do it, I'm gonna hit the deadline I might not pass I might fail the class I might fail the exam I might fail at work I might not get a raise whatever. So most people are working out of fear. And they use authorization to try to get them out of their quote unquote, but it's still fear to get them to do things. What I bring is listening to the parts of you that don't want to do a silly look at this how silly it can sound but how am I cool this could be once I was talking about this and a woman said Okay, tell me you're saying that. You know if I'm not doing something like procrastinating around a task is because there's a negative story negative emotion behind it. And you know what? And he she said this Tommy that is BS what you're saying that makes no sense. I don't like doing don't laundry and I'm like, Okay, I hear you. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciate it. Can you tell me when you were a little girl? Were you forced to do laundry by your mom? And she said Yes, perfect. There you go. How did you feel when your mom forced you to do laundry? I felt control. So could it be that now you don't want to feel control. So that's why you don't have anybody on the outside, forcing you to do laundry. So you add and you're not doing it. And her eyes just open up as she was like, Whoa, like something so simple, they imagine more things a lot more complicated, right? Starting a relationship where you can get hurt me know asking for a raise at work where maybe your boss tells you that you're not doing a good job, so you don't deserve it. So that is a big hits to our confidence in different things that the mind is trying to protect us. So instead of going to war with our minds, and this is what most people teach. And that is why so many people are still struggling around the world. It needs about, you know, having different kids that they're fighting and try to understand their points of view. So you're going to talk to a part of you say, like, oh, I don't want to do this. Okay, I hear you. You might have valid reasons that you don't want to do this. Could you share that with me, as you do this weird exercise of talking to yourself, and you come from love and learn. It's unbelievable how the mind opens up and starts revealing what's underneath. I have heard people say, I'm scared that if I ask for a raise, I might get fired. I'm scared that if I ask for a raise, they're going to tell me I'm doing a bad job. And I'm going to feel like crap. So they start revealing the deeper so procrastinated on doing something normally is a protective mechanism. The mind is not playing against us, supposedly, is playing for us, but with limited instructions with limited knowledge with limited information. So suddenly, when we're able to love and accept what is so what I call it is aligning the mind and the heart, aligning mind on heart. When the heart opens up with love, the mind feels safe line is going to reveal what's protecting you from or inner critic. Why do we have inner critics, right? All people think that, oh, the inner critic, you know, it's the enemy, I gotta shut it up. It's no, it doesn't stop, it's driving me crazy stop. And they go into war with their inner critic. Your inner critic is a protective mechanism. You've learned since childhood maybe that by criticizing you might get aligned to what you should be doing. So inner critic, welcome to my world. So you have the inner critic, or me that doesn't want to do on those parts going towards the inner critic beating up the part of you that doesn't want to do the part of you that doesn't want to do feel even more crappy. And it end up not doing what you need to do. So one of the things that I learned in this personal development and also combining spirituality that we are, I believe this and I am open to listening to Beatty, whatever to others, I don't mind that we're spiritual beings living in a human experience. So if we believe in something more universe, God, whatever you want to call it, it's fine. We're talking about that. Higher being is pure love. We made out of that. Because when the Big Bang happened, whether, you know, we don't talk about stereotypes, and we came from the big nine. So we come from source, so sources imprinting in us that it's imprinted in us, it means that we're loving beings. The problem is we're rewired. were wired, we come to this world to be loving, compassionate, empathetic, you see kids playing around. And normally, although there might be some hitting when they feel frustrated, they don't know how to deal with their emotions. But kids are loving, airing, there is no racism. Most kids, they just play with other kids. They don't care the skin color. They're totally they're small, either girls or boys, right. But society starts rewiring them to think in different ways, not how they came by, you know, why when they were born. So when we start understanding these things, it makes it easier to many changes. There are parts of us biting, and putting in different directions. We need to love and accept each part. Because the work created from different moments in our past, we went through trauma, and they are protected us in their own way. Even though if you save autonomy, if I'm not asking for a raise, I'm not progressing my life. I'm stuck. I'm in pain. Yes. But the pain of being rejected by your boss if you don't get the race is higher than the pain that you're feeling that you're staying where you are. So there's loving accepting. One of the biggest things that I teach is love and acceptance.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I agree with you. It's funny, my husband, my husband is African American. And he has an T shirts and pictures that have kids like you're saying playing together. And the the caption is, you know, kids will play with anyone until someone tells them not to. It's so we racism is a learned thing. Just like all the other things you're talking about. It's like, things that we've learned from something that happened, what usually when we're younger, that we have this belief, you know that, that we just assume that it's true and move on with our life and it, it holds us back in ways that we don't understand. And I, you explain it way better than I do. That's why I'm still glad you're here today. Because there are things you know. And I think there are things like that, that help us to be in more depression mode, when we don't understand what it is. And I dealt with that my whole life, and I still am unpacking that in my 50s. But I think it's it, it's really important to understand where these beliefs come from. And we don't always have the understanding to do that for ourselves. And so how do you help people find those things and understand them better?

So first of all, as you're saying, I love what you just said, it's about understanding, right? It's explaining to them and bringing this comparison, I want to fix a car, I need to understand about engines, I cannot just get in there and try to fix a car, if I have no idea about cars, the mind is in a similar way, it would be the same, I need to understand the mind. In the same way I need to understand behaviors. If I understand that behaviors are just protective mechanism, the mind is my best friend, all those details. Sometimes, again, who hasn't had a friend in high school that maybe was doing drugs was doing alcohol, they were do going down that road, but there was still our best friends out there. Were trying to I don't maybe get us into their drinking with them. But they still loved us it with their unresolved issues, but they still loved us.

So with their limited, mind back then or understanding or whatever, right? They were taking actions that were affecting us in a negative way. But they were not doing it on purpose to score life. Make sense? The mind is the same. The mind is our best friend. But and this is what we need to understand as we're growing up that dog, let's put that there's one mind as we were saying, right, where there's one mind, as we grow up, and we go some traumas, the life starts splitting into pieces. It's not broken. It's like water separated from the source, taking a drop of water out of the ocean, we can just put it back, but it's separated. It has the same qualities as the rest. But now it went through a traumatic moment. And it started the mind creating its own stories of that situation. That part of us, or the mind is so amazing. Look at this, the mind has no time. A lot of people say AMI, the past doesn't exist. I'm sorry. If you close your eyes, and you relive a past memory. It's happening now. Now, your body is feeling what it's felt back then your emotions are coming up. You might even start crying, you might get tense. So if there's no time, how could that happen? Because for the mind, time doesn't exist. Everything is wondering now so that memory is a part of you. That got stuck in time as a separate part of you. Right, the one sort of trauma and thought, look how basic the mind is seriously. Okay, when I spoke up each time I speak up my dad hits me what would be the best course of action? To stop receiving heading from my dad if he's hitting me as a kid? Imagine a five year old says each time I speak up my dad hates me what is the best course of action? So I prevent my dad from I have one my dad hated me, what can I do? You see how basic it is? protective mechanism don't speak up. And then I beat myself up because I'm not speaking up. But wait, that part of me decided that it was safer to not speak up to protect me. So by beating it up, it's not speaking up. I'm confirming exactly that. It's okay what it's doing because again, I don't speak up now. I'm beating being beaten up. I feel pain. So I'm going to hold on to what I'm used to not speaking up. But a lot of people go into war with their mind as it were the enemy and a lot of people teach this a lot of people teach that the line is the enemy it's against you is going to screw you up. No, that's where again, I might even logo is a mind with a heart. We need to connect mind on heart. The mind wants to play this game the right way. But it needs guidance. It needs love. It needs understanding.

So going out to the questions I'll How do we do that first one is bring this information so that they can start bringing their in a way protective mechanisms down so that they don't attack themselves whenever they accept or recognize that they're doing something that it's not okay because everything is okay. I even work with people and this is gonna sound harsh, but I work with people that have been abusers to others. And I tell them, It's okay. It made a mistake. Yes, but you're not that person anymore. So if you keep beating yourself up because of what you did in the past, you will never overcome that. You will never become the person that you're meant to be you made a mistake. Yes. Let's try to understand why you did it. And I've worked with people that they did it because they were looking for connection. It wasn't the best way to look for connection. Of course, I agree. It's not okay. Right, because they hurt others don't get me wrong, but they were looking for something, they just didn't do it. Because sort of understand that, at least is easier to help that person get out of there and not do it again, when we condemn them, and we put them down and they gotta go to jail. You know, they got some people say, gotta be Australian or whatever. We're condemning them for the rest of the life. And yes, they made a mistake. But by loving and accepting them, they're less chances for them to do it again. Interesting. So loving, accepting environment. This is one of the most important things secret sauce in my work is that I open up to whatever I work with people that, you know, when they tell me the things I've done it, it's okay. Right. So love and acceptance, sharing that with them, reflecting that back at them so they can start seeing themselves with love and acceptance. A lot of people for the first time in my sessions, they feel loved and accepted for the first time. So imagine that. So when you do that, the mind opens up. When a kid feels safe. This is Psychology one on one, or 1.0. When a kid feels safe and loves, they get out into the world to explore. Same happens with a mind in the way that a when you're creating a loving and safe environment, the mind is going to reveal what is going on. Right? When you understand what's going on. Imagine that again. This woman is not wanting to be controlled by doing laundry, is okay we need to work on the meaning of control. I, another person might be thinking I don't want to be in a relationship because it hurts. Why? Because they were raised in relationship see mom and dad in a very abusive relationship. So they made up in their mind that Britishness, it's hurt. So he started they went into a relationship, they were looking for that pattern of hurting partner. Yes, they chose it in a subconscious level. I'm not saying they deserve or anything. No, no judgment, just stating the facts. I went into abusive relationship, I allowed to be abused. Because that's how I was raised. When I was a kid. There was some abuse at home. I parents did what, in a way they thought was best. They loved me. Yes, but they made mistakes. So there was abuse, screaming, hitting and cold showers, eating soap. So I went into relationship that would do that to me. And I would stick around and people would say, I tell you why stick around. Now, I realized no, after I started this journey that it was because that's what was done to me. And that's what I felt was the norm.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, I think that's profound in a way that, you know, the reason we feel alone in the world, is because we feel like no one understands what we understand. And sometimes, we're understanding things that are normal. And sometimes we're understanding things that are not, but unless we have a conversation or talk about it, we don't know. And I think that's what we preach is like the conversation and community and personal stories that we promote, is what helped people understand that someone else has been there, that, that you're not alone. And you're not crazy for whatever thought or normalcy that you that you believe, because we we all have those things in our lives that were negative, and we stuffed down or we hid or we are like, you know, not understand not understanding is is the main point. And, you know, I had a suicide attempt when I was 27. And I didn't talk about it for 23 years, until I lost a friend. And that just the the part of going through grieving the loss of my friend. And then understanding my own journey. Along with that was was a really hard thing. Because I had never talked about it, I'd never acknowledged it. I never thought about it enough to understand, you know what I mean? So it's like all of us have those things that we don't talk about because we're ashamed or were doubting ourselves. And what would you suggest to somebody who's listening to this that is in that place and not acknowledging something or not feeling like they're good enough to talk to someone about it?

So I love what you said this is one of the main reasons why People don't reach out. Because most people that don't reach out, right, they feel they're not good enough. They're not worthy, they're not worthy of your time, even if they are going to pay you. They still feel so the worst scum in the world, the worst thing in the world or something so broken in them, that they're scared, so scared of reaching out. One reason is on the other one is that a lot of people think that they're so broken that there's no way out. I have worked with so many people that on these 15 years, I was working with a woman that she was diagnosed with depression, medicated, went through tons of different psychologist psychiatrists and all told her, this is going to be the life that you're going to have from now on, like, settle for this, right? We started working together and three months, as psychiatrists told her, I don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it. And we're going to slowly start getting off the medications for the first time, she was able to start seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have worked with a lot of people that struggle with that, you know, psychologists, old school, there's a lot of people, different people out there, I'm not talking about specific general. But there are specific groups that unfortunately, like I'm working with a woman that she struggled with depression, and her psychosis, studying early, but you should look at the good things that you have in your life, you should, you know, see the nice things focus on the good things you go, you got to do that you get to do that. And she doesn't feel understood. She doesn't feel supported at all, because right now she doesn't want to do anything. So instead of trying to get her out of there by putting and that is author of tourism again, that's what I was telling you at the beginning of this conversation, I see it over and over again, in subtle ways or bigger ways, right, is getting in hearse inadequate in the dark plays in the dark hole that she is. And just holding her mentally, emotionally, I'm not talking about touching, right, but holding space for her. So that she can feel understood and that it's okay, where she is the other day she told me everything in my life is okay. And I said, Wait, you had you went through a really difficult situation right now. Why are you saying that everything is okay? All but compared to others, she was making in our mind that compared to others, her life was not that bad. But she wants to do something really terrible when she was minimizing it. So I went into the darkness with her and hold space for her and made her hug herself and say, you know, you will have bad reasons to feel the way you do. Don't try to get yourself out of there. And she said, Oh, but don't worry, I'm tired. I get it. But being tired, trying to push yourself denying how you feel as that work in the past five years, I questioned COC as I work in the past five years. Not really. So I told her what if we try something different? Those words of accepting how she felt recognizing her and then inviting her not telling Oh, now do this, this alternator isn't what I do people is under learning a new language seriously, it's a love language. It's checking my words. Before I talk, in some cases, I stopped myself and said, Okay, I'm gonna say this to her. How does that sound in my mind? First, I'm not saying every word. But sometimes when I'm gonna say something important, saw myself as a second because they could have said, okay, it makes sense that you feel like this. But now let's try to feel this way. When I say that, I'm trying to pull her out of the hole. So I'm becoming quote unquote, the Savior, I don't want that. I want to help her. Get herself out of the of the dark place, not me getting her out, knowing or guiding our how to get out a put a hand here, put your foot here, pulled out, whatever, hey, I'll help you a little bit, but you put yourself out. Because if not, you're going to need me for the rest of your life. And that's not the idea either. So is creating that loving and healthy environment for the person saying that other people are struggling or most are not sharing look, Robin Williams. And start I started with it in a little bit. I read up read not sorry, sorry, I read about him a little bit. And it said that he was a kid and he felt really low confident. And he created these personas, these acts to make people laugh, so that he could feel loved and accepted. And it makes total sense because towards the end of his life. He had lots of swings of happiness and sadness and happiness and sadness. Because of that because he had unresolved issues. He just numb the pain. And that's what most people do. Whether it is one partner kids house, you know projects, whatever people numb. We need to learn that we live in a society that the most people are teaching us is to numb it's loving and accepting. I feel pain. I feel depressed today. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I'm still with a partner but I feel lonely. It's okay. It's okay there's a reason why and what is happening and this is what I've started more and more is that as you're living the world today and you're seeing this movie in front of you connard ko life at the same time. There are memories from your past that being activated that you're not seeing because they're in the subconscious mind Stop consciously and the unconscious, whatever you want to call, it doesn't matter, but you're not aware of them. So when you feel lonely today, even if you're surrounded by people, it's not that maybe when you were a little girl, you were in a meeting where you felt lonely. Nobody was looking at you. Nobody was paying attention. You needed something, nobody talked to you. And you're reliving that moment with this event that is happening today. So many things that are happening today are just triggering unresolved issues. Most of the time, they stay here in the back, and we just feel like crap, or we try to numb it, ignore it, pretend it's on there. Look at the good side. No, I need to turn around and look at the TV in the back of my head say, wait, wait, wait, wait, what's going on over here? Why is a part of me feeling so lonely? And see if a memory comes up. And if you do it correctly, a memory is going to come up when maybe. And I've seen this 1000s of times. Seriously? Tommy, I just remember a memory where I was sitting in the living room by myself. Or I was sitting in the living room surrounded by people and I was ignore completely. You're here go. How did that little girl feel? Yeah, oh, that little girl felt lonely, felt scared. It's not lovable. Not good enough, whatever. year ago, you're just reliving that past memory in the back of your head in this moment. Because the past has not gone is just waiting to come up. So that we'll can resolve it and we can heal it.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's a really good point. Sometimes it's something that simple. That holds us back. And we think it has to be some big events or some you know, act of abuse or something like that, that that is holding us back. But it could be something that simple.

Yeah, could be that simple. Seriously, I love what you just said is important too. Because I talk with people that tell me told me I had a good childhood. I gotta had a good life as a kid. Okay. But suddenly, when we start really digging deeper, we found that mom was working a lot and she wasn't around much. Dad wasn't there because I don't know he left the house or he would work overseas or he traveled a lot. So we start seeing small things, although it seemed okay. It wasn't what they needed the love and accepted they need constantly needed. So when we don't have the love and acceptance, the mind starts making stories of why we don't deserve this. Or a kid. The kid is the center of the universe. So as a kid is not getting what it wants, it doesn't get its needs met. My needs to make sense of that. It's not gonna say Oh, mom is stressed out. That's why she's not giving me a hug. Like I would like to that's why she screamed at me know, the kid is gonna say, Oh, I'm not good enough. That's why Mom is yelling at me. Oh, I did something really bad. I'm a bad boy. That's why my mom is screaming upstairs. See, that's how the mind works. So we start creating all these stories. They stick around with us for the rest of our life. You only we're not aware of them. That is the most complicated thing because most people don't even remember their past. And they'll even see those small moments that created a pain. So we're with a lot of people that feel depressed. And they do it. My lap wasn't that bad. That bad? Compared to one? Oh, I wasn't abused sexual alchemy. It's okay that you think that but what do you think that only sexual abuse is going to create depression. And as we start digging deeper, we see that there was a disconnect between their parents and between them. Disconnect makes us feel that we're not loving and lovable enough. We're not good enough. We're not adequate. There's something wrong with us. And that's when we go down the road of depression because I was there for you was 27. around that age, a little bit more or less around that age of it earlier. I, I had many thoughts. I even walked to a trace dojo and thought about throwing myself into the, into the tracks many times I didn't do it. As I'm here. Nothing happened, right. But I thought about that many times, I was living a very harmful marriage on both sides. I'm going to take responsibility to on both sides. I had, and it wasn't, it was really, really depressing moments for me, I had to put a strain on everything was fine on the outside, but deep down, I was kind of debt. I moved away like I I wasn't seeing my family. I wasn't seeing my friends. I was isolated. I because of different circumstances. I had I was isolated inside of me and I was struggling a lot. And I thought about taking him many times. It was when that marriage ended. And I kind of saw the light inside because she ended up she said like this is not working. We're going to end and I was like no, please don't end it. Although I Part of me wanted to. I didn't want to feel like a failure. I didn't want to lose love by always fighting to stay in a toxic relationship with both sides. Because I didn't want to feel like a failed marriage and that I lost love. When she finally told me leave the house. You know, I don't want to see you anymore. I want you out of my life. We didn't have kids. I walked away. And it was like or there's a world out there that I was missing. Things started to change as I call it. into this personal development journey 15 years ago.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's crazy. Because 27 was a year kind of like that. For me, I was in a, I wasn't married, but I was in a pretty toxic relationship around that time. And it was like, when it ended, it was like the end of the world at the time. But, you know, it was for the best for both of us, I think. And so I'm super happy that I met my husband, and we've almost been married for 20 years now. So I know that he is the person I'm supposed to be with. And, and it's been, you know, everybody has challenges. But it's, it's been a great a great marriage and relationships. I'm very

I'm in love, too. I met my wife. A couple of months later, after out, the marriage ended two months later, I remember with a woman that I had dated many, many years ago, a couple of times that I really liked her. We started dating again, and we've been married now for 13 years.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Awesome. Congratulations.

So I was able to find love within me and share it with others. Right? Along the path. So yeah.

Deana Brown Mitchell: So how did you start doing this work? I'm gonna hear that story.

So 50 years ago, I Let's go further back when I was around 1617, I read the Celestron prophecy book, I that it just blew my mind thinking that there was a bigger reality than just as 3d and that's what I believe in. Right that there was more to life and I could feel energy. I was very, like, when I was a kid, everybody told me Oh, you're too emotional. You're too emotional. You're too emotional, right? I could tap into everybody else's emotions, right. You know, when they call it? Oh, you're an empath. I believe we're all that we are born with that but we shut it down when it's painful, and we don't know how to handle it. So when I was 1617, now I was introduced to that book that kind of opened more myself to the world and two different things. But as I opened more I get I got more rejection. As I normally say, when I was three years old, three years and a half I was operated on my heart. So it was an open heart surgery in 1981. Imagine that's open heart surgery, I was very small, it left many scars mentally, emotionally, and physically. I felt very different my family, I felt an outsider I felt a black sheep at school, I was bullied a lot. So all those things made me you know, kind of feel a lot of pain, and and a part of the emotional side feeding others and all that it was kind of crazy. So I kept open for many years. But as I was putting everything, as I started opening to this universe, in a way spirituality, imagine we're talking about when I was 16 years old, it we're talking about to 1994. Back then it wasn't well known to find people around you say that, Oh, I do yoga, or I meditate. Or I'd read this, I read that now it's more known back then, at least in my environment. It was crazy talk. So when I started sharing this, even with my friends, they started laughing at me making fun of me making me feel more rejected. So eventually, they closed up. And I talked about chakras. I don't love meditation. I talked about many things, right? But it was too hard for me to deal with. So I shut down for many years. My best friend from school, that was one of them, guys, and I love him, don't get me wrong, but bothered me a lot with us. He found this spiritual teacher and he went to a retreat with her. And he came back and said, Tommy, you gotta go beat her. She talks about the same things he talked about. And that was 15 years later, like I was 1617. That was 13 years later, I was like, Oh, really? So at that time, he was more open my friend. That's why he told me Hey, you gotta go see us. Well, when I met her, she talked a lot about spirituality and not about psychology. And she told us that psychology is a blocking thing that keeps us away from spirituality. And I was like, Whoa, let me learn more about this. So I started this journey with her. And as she started sharing with me, I felt the, you know, that I wanted to share this with others. I started helping people, I already was helping people as a kid. But I started doing it a bit more with more knowledge, more experience. And I started getting trained in this. And then I started going this full time. So that's kind of my short story here.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's awesome, I'm fascinated by the mind. And you know, I've never I don't have a degree in psychology. I don't, you know, I don't have that training. But I have done a lot of research about mental health and in different things. And it's, it's fascinating to me, the capabilities of our brain. And the fact that not many of us even understand what we're capable of in that arena. So it's I don't know, crazy.

It is. It is amazing. I don't have a degree in psychology, I've studied coaching, therapy, right, but not a degree as a degree therapy for several years coaching for a couple of years. And then I started, as you did research and studying many people out there I've started Dr. Margaret board I've started a couple of months ago, I've started Peter groan, I said many names out there to see. And what I did is I combined kind of what I think is the best out there. And that's where I created rapid subconscious reprogramming, that everything is based on this love and acceptance, that we need to practice a lot of love and acceptance to be able to create that space for the other person. And I'll be able to me, Oh, tell me what to do what you do perfect. And they tell me Well, I'm a life coach, can you give me a couple of tips or things that were quest, right? It doesn't matter if you started six months, a year or whatever, if you're not being loving with yourself, more and more, I'm not saying that the I have everything resolved not at all. But I've done a lot of inner work before I started helping others at a deep level as I'm doing now. So it's very important to yourself journey first, not just studying, because studying doesn't really mean that you know, what's really going on? Right?

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, that's very true. I think for me, I handmade. My mom started a business when I was a year old. And it was a nursery school. And so I grew up in that entrepreneurship family environment, and I had my first business at 14. And I've always been like a super driven person. So like, well, like you said, when I started hearing about yoga, and, you know, all these things, I it was very woowoo to me, and I was not at all interested in it. I was like, I don't understand it, I don't, you know, I think the real reason was, I didn't understand it. And I didn't take the time to understand it. And so I would just push myself and push myself and push myself for, you know, a lot of a lot of years, where I didn't necessarily take care of myself. And alcohol was a problem, you know, there was just the the workaholic in me was a problem. And you know, and in 2020, I was at a point where I was starting to, to kind of process my journey in the mental health situation, and after losing my friend. And I also own a business that was very successful at the time. And people would always tell me, you should journal and I was like, I don't have time for that. And so, when 2020 happened, I start it was first time I ever started seeing a therapist, the first time I ever started journaling. And I cannot tell you how much it changed everything for me, because, you know, like many people, I thought I was the only one who had the feelings and the thoughts that I had. And I would just stuffed them away and keep going. And I think that's the problem is that now people talk more about mental health. But it doesn't mean that each person that is struggling with something feels like it's okay for them to speak up. And I think that is the number one message. If I could get to the whole world, it would be it is okay for you to speak up. Just find someone that you feel safe talking to. And I also talk a lot to people who have a loved one that's struggling and like, because they're like, What do I say? How can I help? And they're, they want to help but they don't know how. And it's like the first thing you can do is just listen. Because if you could let them feel good enough to talk about it. It's going to help them on some exam.

So look, a couple of things. It's very interesting, right that I want to just share with you. You said that alcohol was a problem and workaholic was a problem. Okay, I want to invite you have to check those words into the love language, right? Love Language would be it's not a problem. It's a solution. You found alcohol as a numbing tool so good for you that you find somehow to survive in this raising as you're going through emotion mentally. A lot of people talk about problems. Normally the problem is not the problem. It's a solution to a deeper problem. So you're in pain and you found alcohol and working as a numbing mechanism. So clap, clap clap for you. But when we say it's a problem, we're judging knots. We got to be very careful. Remember the love language is loving and accepting what is it is a solution that you found. See what I mean the difference there?

Deana Brown Mitchell: I do

Those very subtle things that I want to bring awareness with my message to as you're saying, right, my message there is to be more aware of the way we speak the way others speak to themselves to others, right? Because as we bring this love language forward, suddenly there's like, Oh, now, imagine somebody says, I have drinking problems. Hey, I appreciate you share that. Thank you very much. Which you know what? It's not a problem. It's a solution. And they're like, what is already the charge that they're putting on to like, Oh, I'm bad, I'm doing something wrong. It's like, Wait, it's a solution? What are you talking about? If somebody is in pain, they're going to take a pill, and Advil, ibuprofen, whatever, to try to reduce the pain, it's a numbing of the pain. Alcohol is the same way. So you're using that as a solution to try to survive. Which regarding so,

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's a really good way to look at it. If he gets, sometimes maybe something that we are doing to numb the pain is harming us more. But we have to figure out, you know, I don't know what would you say to that?

Perfect. So look, I love what you just said, Let's do the exercise, we'll do what somebody writes and is struggling without so would tell them. Okay, so I got his bring certain problems, right. What are the secondary problems? And I'll go to wherever you say it brings problems, what type of problems? I know, but just give me an example. Just like,

Deana Brown Mitchell: I think it's like, you know, you either don't remember things, or you wake up feeling worse than you did before you, drink.

Okay, so that two things, let's stick with that. So that we don't extend too much right, though. Or get things for the mind is the best thing you can do for you. If I have pain from past memories, and I can forget about them. Please give me the pill that is going to make me forget when I was abused when I wasn't feeling loved when I felt alone, when I was left alone, when I was hit when I was yelled at give me that pill, please. So it's not a problem. You see what I mean? The feeling like crap, I get it. There we there we I like that. Let's address that a second. So let me ask you this, right? If somebody's in emotional pain, but there's still no electronic device or mechanism to measure that pain, but I tell you this, if their pain is eight, but their pain when they wake up the next day, this pain went down, the physical pain went up but not enough. Surpassing emotional pain. They're gonna keep doing it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, so again, it's okay. Because why as I was saying the dancer fears is if I drink, I feel like crap. But I still drink. So what you're telling me and directly this is a conclusion that I draw in my mind is they're telling you don't ever want to stop doing or is really bad for me. Okay, so you realize so there's fear of having health issues. You know, I work with people that have already health issues are for this, right. So they have health issues, the fear of the health issue is smaller, and the fear of the pain that they're going through the memories that they went through as kids. So that's why they keep drinking. Though a lot of gurus what would they do is they would hate on this pain, to make it bigger. So that the fear of dying, the fear of losing everything, their house, their partner, their kids, whatever is so big, that now from fear from a higher fear of doing, they stop drinking. But it's still the dance of fears. Fear takes a big toll in the body, when we work at those levels of fear. Fear is okay, don't get me wrong, it's part of the human experience. The problem is when we use that, but if we truly bring love because look at this a second, we'll go what I'm gonna say this is the spine of my work at the center of the word, right? A part of you started drinking, because it didn't feel loved and accepted, it might have felt rejected, and might have felt judged by something, right, so part of you started drinking because it didn't feel loved. If I scare the shit out of me to stop drinking, am I loving and accepting the part of me that needed love in the first day, that's why it started drinking. So with this work, we need to love and accept the part of you that was lacking love, and decided to use alcohol to numb the pain of the lack of love. When you're able to love that part of you and start practicing the self love. I promise you when it's done correctly, and along some time, some time people take longer sometimes there is no exact formula for each person happy some people say Okay, but how long is this going to take depends on each person seriously. But as you practice that, I promise you, if you practice this, and you create that, you know constant practice, I promise you that eventually you're going to stop doing that behavior, because that behavior was created by lack of love. If I'm loving that part, I'm giving to it. I'm giving it what it needed in the first place. So just gonna replace the alcohol with receiving the love. Does that make sense?

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, it does. It does. And they get it maybe some. Some could think it's more complicated than that. But I think it does make sense.

For people that want to think is more complicated, because they want to see the minus something more complicated. And the truth is, again, what does the kid won? Let's go to the basics. What does a kid want as a kid? Well, what do we want love. So if I didn't get that love, I need to do something to fill that empty space, or dominant, the pain, these are the two human drivers are these seeking for love, people pleasing, you know, not speaking up, not setting boundaries, that is, in a way seeking for love, I accept anything, because I want to receive love or numbing the pain of the lack of love, alcohol, procrastination, whatever is numbing the pain of the lack of love. So that's how basic the mind is. But from there, if a kid doesn't feel loved, he was going to find something to try to reverse that. Or numbing it, or finding love or perfectionism. people pleasing is a way of finding love finding love, if I please you, you might like me, if you like me, I feel loved. That's how basic the mind is. People want to complicate it, because the mind wants to complicate things. That's called a minor thing. Then God says He will say something sorry, but a hurricane. But thank God, since I'm a kid, I mean, try to make things simple. When I started emergency care for many years, I was in emergency care for 15 years, and I became an instructor in emergency care, I always wanted to bring things to the simplest form, so people will get it. And that's what I'm doing now with a mine and bring it to very unusual the training, very simple concepts to understand how the mind works, because the mind is not this complicated computer, everybody talks about like, Oh, it's so complicated. No one is looking for love, or numbing the pain of the lack of love, then yes, it becomes more complicated, and the behaviors and the interaction among those things, will get to read down. Most people drink to numb the pain. And I've had found people and listen to this, how amazing mind is that they drink because they want to become part of the family, mom and dad drank. And now they drink. Because maybe by doing this, I may get connection with mom or dad. And seeking for

Deana Brown Mitchell: Yeah, makes a lot of sense. And people pleasing is a it's definitely something that's been in my life. And I think part of it is because I've worked in the hospitality industry for 30 years, and you're constantly, you know, taking care of other people and their needs. And and it's, you don't realize the toll that it takes on you until you get to a point where it's kind of that breaking point or that, you know, that realization of like, I need to take care of me. Oh, yeah, it's really, it's really important. And I think I'll just I don't usually mention this, but I wrote a book two years ago called the shower genius, which is a 12 step framework for leaders and entrepreneurs and busy professionals to wake up and see that they need to take better care of themselves. And so kind of my new mission in the world, because I didn't I didn't do it for myself for so long. And it's like, how do we, how do we create those boundaries, or whatever you want to call them put things in place in your life where you're not working 24/7 And think that that is normal.

That comes from a lack of love. And again, we go back to the same thing. They have associated that if they work 24/7, they're going to feel loved and accepted. Maybe by the parents out there looking at them, they proud, even in their mind, this is amazing. But people I'm working with a guy that he's an engineer, and he recognized in his 65 years old, more or less he is he told me the other day, he told me I cannot believe that I just realized I did what I did. And I become an engineer and all this work that I've done because I want to please my dad, my dad is not around and he's hasn't been around for many years. And I'm still trying to please Him. The mind is trying to please that parent because again, it's living in the past. There's a part of us, that is replaying the past wants to please Dad, even though he's not there for that part of you. That part doesn't know it's not there because we're talking about a 10 year old, 12 year old, 15 year old 20 year old that is replaying things in the mind. And again, the mind has no time, but is replaying an event as if it were happening as its own consciousness. It's amazing. So connecting his adult part in today with that memory from the past, so that he can release that part of him from pleasing that because it was looking for love as He loved and accepted that part of him. He was able to start letting go blah, blah things that I saw, you know, the letting go, I hate letting go is so important with understanding not just I have to let go. That's all for a drizzle.

Deana Brown Mitchell: That's though true? Well, I've learned a lot from listening to your training and from from talking to you today and I hope our listeners will get much value out of this conversation, you want to tell us where to find you.

If they want to look up, I have lots of free resources, I have a lot of material on my own book, The Science Behind the Mind and Behavior is connecting the mind and the heart as I was saying before, right, all these things you can look me up themindengineer.com I'm also on Facebook, I have different platforms that I'm in my biggest is all the website or Facebook or there's one I just starting to grow to analytic dog Instagram things i but there is a slowly growing you know, as website is a big the biggest place you can find me as a mind engineer.com You can find some free trainings have access my blog, I have a course. Or if you want some help one on one, just reach out and we can talk about options.

Deana Brown Mitchell: Awesome. Thank you so much, Tommy, again to you very much. And for anyone who's listening, you can find us at the realizefoundation.org If you're interested in just learning more, we have a free hope course on our website that talks about, you know, how do we start the conversation about mental health and suicide? How do we support somebody that we care about that is going through something so you can find those resources there you can also find some of our partners and sponsors there. And also, if you're interested in writing your story and one of our books for Scars to Stars, there's a way you can submit your information on Scars to Stars page. So I hope you will find us or follow us or join us we're on all the we're on Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram and Twitter's are x now. So you can find us in any of those places under either the Realize Foundation or scars, the stars. So I hope you all have a wonderful day and we hope to see you in our community.