In this Emotional Push-Up, Dr. Emily is joined by the Head of Emotional Fitness at Coa Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu, to explore the idea that our relationship with food may offer some insights into how we were loved and how we love now. Listen in to hear about how we can be more intentional about the food we eat and the ways we show and share love.

Thank you for listening! Staying emotionally fit takes work and repetition. That's why the Emotionally Fit podcast with psychologist Dr. Emily Anhalt delivers short, actionable Emotional Push-Ups every Monday and Thursday to help you build a better practice of mental health. Join us to kickstart your emotional fitness. Let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

Follow Dr. Emily on Twitter, and don’t forget to follow, rate, review and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts! #EmotionallyFit 

The Emotionally Fit podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health. Katie Sunku Wood is the show’s producer from StudioPod Media with additional editing and sound design by Nodalab, and featuring music by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!

Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share emotional pushups, short actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those fields and do some reps together.

Hey there, fit fans. I am so excited to be here today with Dr. Vaneeta Sandhu, clinical psychologist and head of emotional fitness extraordinaire at Coa. Vaneeta, thank you so much for being here today.

So excited to be here. Thank you for having me.

I have to admit, I'm pretty excited for a pushup, and I'm really excited to do the pushup with you. And we'll get to that in a bit. But what we'll be talking about today is our relationship with food. A big topic, too big to really do it justice in 10 minutes, but we're going to scratch the surface together.

One thing I know about myself when it comes to this topic is that I sometimes use food to cope with my emotions. Vaneeta, I'm curious, is this something you ever do?

Guilty. Are you talking about my weekend, this past weekend? Yes.

Yeah, it happens to the best of us.

I actually do it probably more than I want to be doing it, to be honest.

Yeah. I think it makes perfect sense that we do this because food and love are so deeply correlated. If you think about it, for many years when we're really young, food and love are pretty much exactly the same thing. Think about a really young baby, she's hungry, her greatest source of love in the world shows up and then she's not hungry anymore. So we build these associations to food and it's really hard to decouple food and love over the course of life.

Most cultures have food as a love language. Most families have traditions and rituals around food. And so what I often find is, our relationship to food can teach us a lot about our relationship to the people who fit us. Vaneeta, I'm curious, especially as a new mom, what do you think about this idea?

That really rings true for me, let me tell you. Food has become more of my identity, which is a new angle for me. Whereas before I never really saw it as something that I do or I create, but as a new mom, I do and I am.

You're literally creating food.

Yeah. Just a new superpower of mine, no big deal.

What role did food play in the culture of your family growing up?

Food was central to family gatherings. It was a reason why we would see each other. And truthfully for my mom, it was a love language. It is a love language for her. One way that she takes care of her kids is cooking food for them. Every time I go visit her, even now as a grown adult, my mom will go on a cooking blitz for two days, freeze everything, and half of my suitcase is just filled with food.

Oh, what a lucky thing you are. And I'm curious, because I do think that the way we're fed mirrors the way we're loved, do you think that you can learn a little something about how your mom loved you through this particular approach to making you food?

I believe so. I think the way that she loved me and loves me is through the work and the creativity that food requires for her. So it's not just about the food that shows up on this plate, it's she's running around different grocery stores, she's planning a menu. She's really putting a lot of thought into it. And in my family, and certainly from the cultural backgrounds, it's not a family where we say, "I love you," every single day. We don't end a phone call like some folks might have, "Love you, talk to you later." But love is certainly shown in this way of, "Here's how I can provide for you and here's how much I've been thinking about you."

I love that. And the way you talk about it sounds nothing but lovely. But I'm curious, was there anything not great about it? Did it ever feel like a lot of pressure or did it feel like you had to eat in order to accept the love? Was there anything about it that was stressful?

I think part of wanting to show appreciation and gratitude is not wanting to reject something. So there's a fine line of recognizing and appreciating that my mom or that my family has gone through all of their resources, time, money, everything, to make the meal. And so to reject it, for me, truly feels like I would be rejecting them in some way. And because I think about it in that way, I don't reject the food. And I just say, "You know what, Vaneeta? Could be worse." And I do, and I go for it. And those are thoughts that go through my mind while I'm having the meal.

So while you're eating, you're like, "Okay, I'm full. But I don't want to reject this love so I will find a place for it in my body."

That's exactly it.

That makes so much sense. And I've seen this play out in a lot of ways. I mean, I've worked with people who they really restrict their food. And when I learn more about them, I get the sense it's because love was forced into them. And now they feel like they have to sort of hold it a little bit at bay. And I've also met people who never can get enough food. And it feels like no matter what they eat, they're not full. And when we explore, we discover that maybe the love that they needed was not always forthcoming and it never really felt like they had enough. And I've really seen that you can understand a lot about your relationship to love by peeking into your relationship with food.

So I think that leads us to our pushup today, which is all about taking a moment to be intentional about how we relate to our food. So Vaneeta step one of this pushup is to think back to the last meal you ate. And I want you to think for a moment about what emotions were present for this meal. Did you feel rushed? Did you feel annoyed because you had other things you needed to do? Did you feel excited about what you were going to eat? Did you feed yourself from a place of obligation or was it from a place of nourishment? So for those listening in, press pause while you give a think to your last meal or listen on to hear from Vaneeta.

So Vaneeta, tell me about your last meal and the emotions associated with it?

The last meal I had was from my mom and it was a frozen meal that we had warmed up. And it's a specialty of hers, it's a chicken curry and rice dish. But I'll be honest, and anyone who's a parent can probably understand, I'm eating a lot of cold food these days. It might have been warm for a moment, but I had other things that I needed to do. So for me, it was just like, rush, rush, rush. Let me just get it in, it's sustenance right now, eat it before it becomes completely cold.

Okay, I definitely relate to that. Sometimes we're just acting like we're train engines and we need coal and we're moving right forward. So that's perfect because step two of this push up then is to think about how you might want to feel differently with your food. So for example, for those who maybe ate while doing work and barely paid attention to the meal, maybe they wish they had been a little more present. Or maybe if you're like me, you feel guilty because you ate candy for lunch. And instead you wish that you could have felt proud of what you were feeding your body. So those listening in, give that a think.

Vaneeta, what came up for you around this? How might you want to feel a little differently with your food?

I want to feel more grateful. And what I mean by that is not that I'm grateful that I have food on my table, though certainly that's a part of it. But grateful for my mom who, like I was sharing, put a lot of thought into what my favorite foods are, ran around different grocery stores, figured out what the items are, and just take a moment to think about the story behind what is in front of me. And from that story, to come from a place of appreciation.

Oh, I love the idea of gratitude with food. I don't think I do a good enough job of that either. Certainly like you said, gratitude that you have food for sure. But also we forget how much work goes into getting this food onto our plate and all of the people who worked and struggled and sacrificed so that we can casually throw food down our throats while we're doing work on the side. I really love the idea of adding gratitude.

So then the final step of this push up then will happen at your next meal. And that is to take a moment before you start eating to tap into the emotions that you would like to associate to your food, and to feed yourself from that place. So for those listening in, think about that for your next meal, but I actually told Vaneeta to bring a snack with her today. So we're actually going to get to practice this.

So Vaneeta, what kind of emotional place do you want to tap into as you dig into this snack? And what do you think that actually looks like in practice?

In terms of the feeling for me, truly, it is love. I want to feel love before and while I'm having this dish. And I can't say that I ever do that when I'm eating a meal, it's "Wow, great." I'm usually so hungry, just get this in my mouth. Rather than, "Okay, I'm feeling love, I'm accepting love, and I'm going to go for it and eat this meal." So for me, when I do have one of my mom's meals in front of me, that is the place that I want to approach this next meal.

That's so beautiful. And just as you were talking, I was thinking about, to carry my metaphor through, when we're young we are fed. We're fed physically by another human. And at some point in our life, we learn to feed ourself. And there's a comparison there of learning to love ourself in this way. I know that sounds a little cheesy, but I do think that as we feed ourselves as adults, we can, reparent ourselves a little bit. We can feed ourselves maybe in a different way than we were fed, or we can tap into the really beautiful ways that we were fed.

So if mealtime was associated with a lot of anxiety when you were young, then it might be tempting to rush through as an adult. But perhaps instead you decide, "You know what? I'm going to show up for myself and give myself a different kind of love, a different kind of nourishment, and I'm going to be really slow and present."

So although it sounds like, Vaneeta, you had a really beautiful kind of feeding experience, it also sounds like maybe in adulthood and all of the craziness of working and adulting, you've moved away from the presence and the slowness and the intentionality that you feel like your mom really put into the food.

I feel like most things when you get so used to it, you start to take it for granted. And this is one of those aspects of my life that I have certainly started to take for granted. And this is beyond even just my parents, though certainly they're a part of it. But I've been a guest at many tables in many different people's lives and that to me is a demonstration of love.

And I know from working with you that you are so wonderful at feeding people, at nourishing others, by being really present. I think that's one of your superpowers. And I can imagine that maybe some of that came from how present it sounds like your mom was with you as a person and also with the food that she put on the table.

You just might be onto something, Emily. You just might be.

All right. Well, let's really get into it. You take a little bite, feel that gratitude, that presence. And then I'm really curious if the food tastes any different. Does it go down any different? Does it sit any different? Let's see, let's find out.

Oh yeah, I'm having... I mean, it's a secret recipe.

Okay.

I don't actually know if it's secret, but literally in our household we just call it mom's chicken curry recipe, it's got a lot of spices on it. And I just have to say I'm so much more excited to eat this all of a sudden than I was before. There feels like a little bit of buildup versus I wouldn't even honestly even look at the food on my spoon if I'm in a rush, it's an automatic process.

By the way, I know those listening in can't see, but this food looks really good.

It does go down differently. I'm just thinking about my mom now as I eat this dish, which usually I'm thinking about an agenda that I'm creating for a meeting or something else I'm doing work-related. But not even that, I think I'm also thinking about my own daughter, as someone who's a new mom, and thinking to myself, "Oh gosh, what is the experience I'm creating for her right now? How is she associating love and food, if at all?" I know she is. And what are the practices that I want to cultivate for myself going forward? My mind is sort of present, certainly, but also thinking about the other people in my life that I am feeding.

I really felt it, you sitting there with your spoon, taking a moment to think about your mom and what she did. And I felt like I vicariously experienced a really different kind of moment of eating. And I totally can imagine you normally just like... Because that's how I eat all the time. So what do you think?

With that sound effect, especially.

Obviously. So what did that feel like? And I don't know, how possible do you think it is to bring that kind of intentionality in an ongoing way?

So for me, here's what's so interesting is that it just took 20 seconds maybe to allow myself to have that pause before this meal. And I can tell you right now, I do have 20 seconds every day to do this. But the pause for me here is getting out of my own tunnel vision I can have around my own needs.

Yeah. I mean, as a new mom, I'm thinking how everything you eat is fed to your daughter because you're breastfeeding, that I imagine mixes it up a little bit?

Oh, it's all meta in all the ways shapes and forms that you might think that it is. I mean, think about it, by my mom showing me love in this way, she's now also shown her love as a grandmother to my daughter. And this is the first time I've ever thought about that while eating a meal. And I've eaten many of her meals since I've had my own kid. But even just now, thinking about the fact that's her way of also showing love to her granddaughter, just makes me want to keep eating. So here goes another bite.

I love it. You know what that makes me think of? I recently learned the fact that a baby girl is born with all of her eggs already. Which means that you had your baby girl in your body when you were in your mom's womb, which means your mom had your daughter in her body at one point. And now, the food that she's making for you will nourish your daughter. It's just such a gorgeous circle of life.

I love that. Really it's true, that's one of the learnings when I was pregnant that blew my mind. Because she's actually fed my daughter before in a very different way, but now it's more externalized. But if you really think about it biologically in many other ways, this is not the first time that she has fed as a grandmother. And that to me, oh my goodness, blows my mind.

And I guess the chain goes forever in both directions. I'm assuming your mom had food from her mom. And so she was nourishing your daughter with her mom's food. I mean, we could do this forever, but it is pretty profound.

Yeah, the ancestral line of really what it means to nourish one another. And particularly for me, the women in my life are associated with love and food. That's a strong pairing that I have in my mind. So to think about how it traces back ancestrally, that actually just creates more meaning for me in my meal.

I love it. Well, I'm so grateful that you flexed your feels and broke an emotional sweat with me today, and that you are eating what really looks just like truly phenomenal food. I'm going to have to go get a snack after this. Thank you so much for being here, Vaneeta, I'm so grateful.

Thanks for having me, I'm always happy to eat with you.

Yay. Thanks for listening to emotionally fit, hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New pushups drop every Monday and Thursday. Did you do today's pushup alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #emotionallyfit and follow me at Dr. Emily Anholt. Please rate, review, follow, and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts.

This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join C-O-A .com, to learn more and follow us on Twitter and Instagram @joincoa.

From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew.