Tonya Peck, a personal coach from motionandmindset.com, joins us to dive into the messy, sticky world of self-doubt, shame, and the ridiculous lengths we go to in search of acceptance. Seriously, if you’ve ever felt trapped by those pesky feelings of insecurity, you’re not alone—Tonya’s been there, done that, and has the emotional scars to prove it. We’re chatting about how our childhood experiences shape our adult lives, often leading us to question our worth and purpose. Spoiler alert: it’s all about understanding those primal needs that drive us, and how recognizing them can help us break free from that toxic cycle of negativity. So grab your favorite snack, kick back, and let’s unpack this emotional baggage together because, honestly, who doesn’t love a good therapy session wrapped in sarcasm?

Takeaways:

• Tonya Peck emphasizes that self-doubt and shame can trap us, but sharing our stories can lead to healing.
• Navigating personal growth involves understanding our primal needs, which can help us break cycles of insecurity.
• It's wild how childhood experiences shape us; Tanya's journey shows how we can rise above our past.
• The importance of open communication in relationships can’t be overstated; it’s key to avoiding misunderstandings.

Links referenced in this episode:

• motionandmindset.com

Companies mentioned in this episode:

• motionandmindset.com

Welcome back.

My name is Ashley and this is the Black Sheep Christian Podcast.

Today I am with personal coach Tanya Peck.

Welcome.

Thank you for joining me.

Hello.

Thank you for having me.

We have had some interesting tech issues because, you know, that's just life.

So if you would be like, why they look so surprised that something is happening?

It's because the struggle is real.

That's right, exactly.

You're just rolling with it.

So thanks for joining me.

I really appreciate your.

For the views.

She reached out to me and when I read this on your website, emotionandmindset.com I was like, yeah, I, you know, it shouldn't have been a paragraph.

It should have been, check the box, check that box.

And so it was.

I know what it's like to feel stuck, trapped by shame, weighed down by self doubt and held back by insecurity.

Maybe you've tried pushing through on your own only to find yourself facing the same struggles over and over again.

And so I felt that this was a really great conversation to have.

Like, what I said, I feel like, I felt like I should have been more like, does this mean to you?

Check this box.

And I was like, oh, so self doubt.

Yep.

Shame.

Yeah, that's me.

Insecurity.

Yep, that's me there too.

Yes, I am, unfortunately, I feel like it's probably a lot of people's experience, you know, trying to work through some of those things.

So I'm glad that we were able to visit today.

Yeah.

So tell me, my brain just went flat as far as starting this journey, as far as being a personal coach, just based off of that paragraph.

Sure.

You know, it kind of started in the beginning, I guess I would say came from a broken home.

My mom was married and divorced several times.

And, you know, just that environment, especially back in the 70s, brought about a lot of shame, you know, in our family and spiritually.

It wasn't, you know, it's just not something that really happened a lot.

And so I feel like we were kind of looked at with a big question mark, kind of like, what's going on there and why is this happening, you know, in that area and finding in that space where maybe I was questioning a wanting or a loving from, you know, a male father figure, maybe from other people in, you know, our family, just kind of really searching and looking for that wanting and that love, you know, maybe in unhealthy ways.

As I started to grow older and it took place in regards of, like, physical relationships and unhealthy behaviors that again, now as an adult, looking back, you Know your kid logic, you're just trying to fill a need and you're not really sure why you're doing the things you're doing, but you're just trying to feel that hole, you know.

And the faith was, I guess, not really a strong part of our family growing up, you know, we did the obligatory Christmas, you know, Easter, you know, those types of things.

So I didn't really have much of a.

Of a knowledge of God or what that looked like.

And so I just kind of searched and connected the dots in the way that I felt I needed.

And eventually I did.

Some situations led us to go to church, where I did find a youth group that was definitely like loving and accepting and had that belonging without, you know, having me have to offer something, if you will.

But then again, kind of just human nature, the enemy, you know, kind of spoke to my heart in a way that I started searching again and that resulted then back into those unhealthy physical relationships.

And as a senior in high school, I had an unplanned pregnancy.

And being in that environment, you know, where I was in a Christian school and I was looked at as a leader and having kind of that all crumble, you know, in a sense, and disappointing.

Not just myself, but disappointing, you know, my grandparents and those around me that I felt, you know, believed in me.

And that is where I guess kind of the initial shame, you know, piece came.

And as I've gotten older, I can look back at that and say, I wasn't.

I'm not a bad person.

I wasn't a bad person.

I made a wrong choice.

But in that environment, it was definitely more like, don't say anything, you know, for the school especially, that there's optics involved.

You know, we.

We want to be seen as, you know, someone that upholds faith and, you know, all the principles.

And so from that feeling, you know, I pretty much.

I didn't tell anyone, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to graduate.

Thankfully, I was only a couple months away.

And in the past, whenever, you know, I was starting to get involved in church, I think because of my background, there were people that pretty much said to, you know, like, people I was seeing, she's a bad risk.

You know, she came from a broken home.

She probably won't be someone that will be married, you know, for.

To one person for the rest of their life.

So I think just unfortunately, the stigma of coming up in some of those family backgrounds where there has been, you know, whether it be a divorce or whether there be mental health issues, or, you know, alcoholism, abuse, all those things that, you know, that tends to either stick with you or stick with kind of your story.

And you.

You carry that, you know, as you go forward.

So unfortunately, with the unplanned pregnancy, the everything, you know, kind of blew up, if you will.

And then I had a miscarriage about four months later.

So there again, we kind of went through all of that.

Then I was sitting there in the hospital just thinking, what was that for?

You know, and now as an adult, I can see that those situations that led me to that point was really just me searching for an unmet need of feeling that wanting and loving and feeling that that is how.

What love meant, you know, which, of course, as an adult, we know that now that's.

That's not true love.

But in your.

In your teenage years, you know, you're just grasping for straws.

So I felt for those, really, after that experience, I did share with, you know, close, obviously, family, but then my now husband, which thankfully, you're.

For anyone watching your past does not dictate your future because we've been married for 35 years this August.

So I think those situations you can definitely use as your reason to stay stuck and, you know, kind of continue those maybe negative, you know, thoughts or habits or, you know, kind of a fatal flaw, or it can be your reason to do better, you know, to learn from them, to take the things that you saw, maybe in childhood that you didn't love and leave that behind, but then build on all the positive things that were there as well.

So after that situation when I was a senior, then move forward and we did attend church and we started to get more involved, but the shame that I felt from that experience, really not being able to share or feeling like if someone knew that about me, that I would not be accepted and they would see me differently.

And so I really kind of hid under that shame and doubt and guilt of that one experience for 10 years.

And I feel bad saying, how long?

Because, you know, looking back, I'm 55 now.

And that happened, you know, when I was 18 and thinking, how did it take me 10 years to feel confident and brave enough to share that with a couple close girlfriends?

And.

And their response was, of course, one of empathy and forgiveness and shared some experiences that they had that were similar but different.

And it just started to open up that door to release that heaviness and that guilt and that shame and start really living into who God intended for me to be, you know, all along.

But I think the enemy, you know, Gets in our.

Gets in that space and, you know, is and knows what to say or what to present to us in our minds to keep us small and to keep us doubting and keep us scared and just really taking that very first step to move out of that space and have the confidence to trust in someone that is safe and hopefully then is loving and accepting in your story and allows you to be human and empathize and find that growth is still possible.

And there's a lot of amazing ways that this story, after, you know, talking to those close girlfriends and having that conversation then allowed me to see what my gifts were personally and how I could lean into that in a bigger way.

And I went into health care and I was in healthcare for about 15 years and again, just kind of maximize the potential that I had there and started thinking about my life experiences and the things that I went through in childhood that led me to the, you know, teenage years that led me to, you know, more awareness as an adult.

And the more I started to kind of have conversations with women that were grown adults, they started to share their stories too, of things that they experienced.

And we're still really not confident to share those in light of being nervous about being judged, you know, or not being seen for who they really were or maybe feeling in some way that people would think it was their fault.

And so then that just kind of opened the doors and to just look at what impact could I provide in a larger way.

I have been in health and fitness for the last 10, 15 years, and that's been great.

And so I've enjoyed impacting people in that way, but as it's kind of evolved into more my.

The story of making a mistake and not feeling like I deserved the forgiveness, you know, that God freely gives, but knowing it and.

And accepting it are different.

And so coming to that realization and hopefully be able to be that bridge builder for those other women, whatever age, whatever background, you know, whatever experiences are, be that there is healing and, you know, again, their past isn't their present and it definitely doesn't have to be their future.

Wow, that's powerful.

Thank you for sharing.

Oh, my gosh, absolutely.

Thank you.

When you.

I have a family member whose story is similar in.

In ways not the teen pregnancy or the divorces, it was actually a death in the family which resulted and a parent remarrying.

And when they remarried, that's when the change of the dynamic happened.

And so when I hear your story, I hear similarities to what they went through.

And I find it quite Extraordinary.

Hearing your story and knowing their story, how.

How you persevered through that, through.

Through the abuse, through the neglect.

Because it.

I mean.

I mean, it doesn't really fully say it in your story as far as what I read, but to be a child that's neglected in any form of capacity and to be able to be where you're at today is.

Is extraordinary.

So I just want to acknowledge that.

That you are.

Your story is beautiful and.

And I'm just in awe of what you went through.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That means a lot.

You're welcome.

As far as there's.

There's some nuggets in there.

And my question is, because the person that I'm thinking about, they had their angel.

And their angel, I would describe it as their angel was not in the home, but was aware of what was going on in the home and advocated in interesting ways for them.

Who was your angel to pull to help let you know that they were there for you?

That's a really great question.

Gosh, that's really good.

You know, I would say my grandparents.

My grandparents were just very stable, solid, caring, loving people.

They didn't live in our town, but I think they were a source of security for me whenever we were there.

And I think they were instrumental in just providing some sort of foundation, you know, that.

That was unchanged.

And even though, you know, sometimes the parent.

Child, like my.

My mom has a very different relationship or did, you know, they're.

They pass now with them.

And I think they would see.

She would see things a lot differently.

But the benefit of, like, grandparents and grandchildren is that you kind of have the opportunity to kind of reset maybe those relationships and those things that maybe weren't or weren't were or weren't done, you know, initially.

So I.

I held them in very high regard.

So I guess from a distance, I would say my grandparents were very safe for me.

And in closer proximity.

There was a neighbor, her name was Rosemary, in one of our neighborhoods.

And then we moved to a different neighborhood and Chris.

And they were ladies that were mother figures, and I had an open door.

You know, I could come over anytime.

They would make lunch for me.

You know, sometimes if my mom maybe wasn't.

Wasn't well, or she had some physical issues as well as mental issues at times.

And so I think that they just made sure that I felt like I had someone and I could come to them.

And really, I don't recall it being a major need, but just for the.

I guess I would say the small things, which may Be food and care and hugs and compassion are actually big things.

But at the time, it was amazing.

And I had a lot of health issues in terms of asthma.

So I remember this Rosemary specifically, like, helping, like, took me to the hospital, you know, one night when I was having an asthma attack.

And so they were very present and a part of my.

My life and just being there, you know, as a.

As a constant.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

That reminds me of their story when you say asthma, because I remember.

The.

Family member, they were sick and went to school.

I think it was the flu.

Oh, okay.

And so they scolded the parent, why are you allowing your child to be sick?

And they're like, we didn't know.

And a teacher would allow them to sleep, sometimes had a space for them to sleep in order to get rest.

And this was outside of them being sick sometime.

So.

So when you mention Rosemary.

Right.

Was that her name?

Yeah, Rosaria.

She was taking care of your asthma.

I think that's really beautiful.

And it also, for those, really is a testament because these days, I mean, back then, things were different.

Clearly, when they talk about their story, I'll be like, well, I'm a mandatory reporter.

Being an educational system.

I would have to call.

Yes, exactly.

Provided rest, you know.

Sure, sure.

You know, we would have to call and, you know, get us.

Get the state involved.

But to be able to remind people sometimes we don't need to do big things because as a child.

Yeah.

Adults who are not in the home can only do so much.

Right.

So to be able to provide someone with rest or food can just be enough for them to get to a point where somebody who can get them out of the home or until they become 18.

For some to be able to.

To.

To.

To escape fully until that true rescue comes.

Because sometimes some of us aren't equipped to do that.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

That's a great reminder.

Yeah.

Wow.

Thanks for sharing your story.

That's beautiful.

Absolutely.

I don't know why I'm just so thinking about that.

I'm just.

I'm just digesting it.

So moving on to your personal coaching with your.

You have a questionnaire of the seven questions, which I find very interesting and engaging because when I hate surprises.

It depends.

I was like, it depends on the type of surprise now, if it's a surprise party.

Oh, I'm so down with it.

Sure.

Car repair, that's a different type of surprise.

Exactly.

100%.

Yes, you are right.

There's lots of varieties as it comes to like those things.

Surprises especially so with those questions, I'm believing that it's really starting to get to the root of what is causing the hold back.

Absolutely.

Yes.

I think people are used to dealing with behaviors, you know, when they come to a counselor or a coach, and I think society in general, or maybe even our families of origin, they're like, have.

Here's a list of do's and don'ts, you know, like, don't eat too much, do exercise.

Like, don't have too much tv, you know, but do be aware of, you know, social events.

Like, there's just all these, like, do's and don'ts and behaviors that, you know, are socially acceptable and behaviors that aren't.

And, you know, we can change our behavior, but only for so long.

You know, I feel like then there are, you know, it's a bad day or there's a trigger or there's, you know, it's just something that sets us off.

And then, you know, maybe we've been able to, let's say, in the fitness, you know, perspective, you know, eat good, you know, whatever that means.

And then we just have a bad day and we just went off the rails and ate a whole pan of brownies, you know, and now it's like, okay, well, behavior.

You know, there was a.

Like you said, there was a.

Cause there was a reason that we ate those brownies and not just aren't amazing.

Exactly.

And some days we just needed.

We just need to dig in and, you know, embrace whatever it is.

But as a whole and as a person and someone looking for growth, the.

And I actually.

And it really is a God thing because of my coaching and, you know, embracing the fitness aspect and then kind of looking at those that I was working with as someone that wanted to, you know, improve physically or mentally or improve their eating habits, sometimes they would continue to have the same kind of come up against the same walls.

And so it just kind of, you know, makes your question, like, okay, like, we're trying different things.

You know, the desire is there, like, what.

What is underneath, you know, the thing underneath the thing that is, you know, keeping them stuck from moving forward.

And so I was scrolling one night and Mike Foster kind of came across the screen and he was talking about these primal needs.

And so I'm like, and it's a quiz.

So, you know, who doesn't love a quiz?

I'm like, okay, I'm going to take that out.

And then he was starting a coaching certification program kind of around this framework.

So it's based on years of research that he was doing as a coach and again, kind of like trying to connect the dots to how to help people best and where they were.

And so he kind of designed this framework that again, I feel like definitely helped me in my growth journey.

And there's seven primal needs.

So it's, it's, the framework is that we all have kind of one dominant need that we connected the dots with in childhood.

Again, no blame whatsoever on our parents on, you know, how they did or didn't do things.

Because you know, as a parent myself, I know some, some of those years I look back and we were probably in survival mode because, you know, I was working and the kids school and there was homework and there was soccer and there was, you know, you're just trying to keep everybody moving forward.

And sometimes the things, you know, as a child you're looking to as connecting the dots may or may not have been truth, but that's how we perceived it.

And in my experience with coaching, sometimes it's not the parents that helped kind of create that need or question that need.

It was like maybe an outsider that did harm, you know, to someone.

And so because of that then their feeling of safety, you know, is the utmost of importance.

So the seven needs are safety, which, you know, like just people that are innately need that safety ness.

And if they don't feel safe, then they kind of start to be more hyper aware, you know, like start mentally thinking, okay, like what do I need to do?

Are the doors locked?

Are you know, is this relationship secure?

Like kind of in overdrive?

I would say for, for if you're want your main need is being safe, but you're not feeling safe.

So the whole premise of the questions which there am I safe?

Am I secure?

Which is a little bit more about financial security and the importance of that.

The question number three is am I loved?

Question four is am I wanted?

Question five is am I successful?

Question six is am I good enough?

And question seven is do I have purpose?

And so from those basic needs, which again, it's not a, it's an art, not a science.

You know, we can all change and evolve.

And so when you take that quiz, there's kind of something that kind of leads you to be more concerned about a specific need than another.

And again, it's not right or wrong, it's just how we were created.

And anytime that we get a yes to our question.

So for me, am I wanted?

When I'm feeling loved and wanted, I'm like my best self, you know, I'm feeling Confident.

I'm feeling sure about things.

I'm feeling, you know, just at peace internally.

But then when we're in those environments or relationships or job situations or church situations, where that basic need that we rely on is being answered in a no or a maybe, then that's when we tend to lean into those unhealthy behaviors.

Whether it be, you know, physically, you know, in relationships, whether it be just buying a bunch of stuff, you know, whether it's overthinking, perfectionism, you know, just the behaviors that we kind of tried to do to.

To make those yes, I'm sorry, there's those no or maybes situations turn into a yes.

So for example, for the am, I wanted, you know, as a spin instructor and in a workshop, I was explaining this and.

And to the outsider, you're just like, what?

But so you're at spin.

Like, let's say the room is full of people.

Like, we're having fun.

Music is going like, everybody's getting their sweat on.

Like, I'm feeling like I'm in my sweet spot.

And then someone gets up and like, let's say it's class isn't over, but they get up and they leave.

So instead of me kind of focusing on like, oh, there's still a room full of people.

I'm still in my sweet spot.

Like, I hyper focus on that one person that left.

And so when that happens, then internally I'm thinking, oh my gosh, maybe I'm not wanted, you know, and so then my mind, instead of again, enjoy, then I'm thinking, oh my gosh, like, maybe my music was too loud.

Maybe I wasn't playing the right.

The right music.

Maybe she, you know, likes rap and I was playing pop.

Or, you know, I don't know, just all these weird narratives that we start making up to connect the dots.

And for all I know, she could have had a doctor's appointment.

You know, so it's just being aware of those moments where you are feeling confident and your needs are being met.

But then one little thought or one little, you know, situation like that happens or where then you start to go into overdrive and start questioning your ability and questioning, you know, your confidence and being aware of that where in my earlier example, like, it doesn't take 10 darn years, you know, to be like, oh, yeah, I am wanted and loved, you know, I don't need to stay under a rock questioning that.

Like, it can happen in a moment to be like, oh, wait, this is truth.

I am wanted.

Instead of questioning, you know, Am I.

And so that's kind of where the learning and the journey, you know, happens is just creating more awareness to those thoughts and actions to limit the spiral when we do feel like our needs are not being met.

So that's kind of the overarching is like, if your needs are being met, you're doing great.

If there's something that comes along that starts to question that, then we start to kind of compensate with behaviors that may not be serving.

Yeah, you were saying that the 10 years, which I relate to based off of my life and trauma, and it almost.

It almost seems I had this image in my mind that it almost seems as if it took 10 years just for the dust to settle.

You know, it's almost like as if a hurricane or a dust storm happened.

And I am not seeing clearly.

I'm not processing any information clearly because things are just everywhere.

And once that dust settles, it's kind of like, oh, it's not.

It's not too bad.

I just need to clean up a bit.

Right, right.

That's true.

Yes.

But, you know, being on the other side of things, because I.

I know somebody who's going through a traumatic event in their life as far as a divorce, like, a divorce is a death.

And so, you know, there's concern about how people are handling.

I mean, there's concern from other people and how they're handling it.

And my thing is, sometimes we just.

We just need the dust to settle because we can say all that we want to say to a person, but they just got to see it.

And I think for me, it took 10 years because I wasn't able to see it until the end.

Gotcha.

And so I find it interesting with your questions and, you know, even seven questions is.

Even though you think, oh, that's short, but how the questions are worded, it really takes you some pause to have that dust to settle and really see, like, do I hate surprises?

You know, winning activities now, it didn't take 10 years for me to understand.

Avoid activities.

Sure.

Exactly.

Yes.

I knew that right away.

I remember.

I.

I remember my daughter was, well, graduated in band.

And so they did band camp.

And then, you know, families could see their work and.

Yeah, here they have the alumni go on the field and run.

And so I was convinced to go and run.

And my mom was like, that's the first time I've ever seen you run.

I don't.

That was me avoiding physical activity.

There you go.

Right?

The things we'll do for our kids that we would never do otherwise.

That's a true testament to being an amazing parent.

Right?

Isn't it?

And, you know, as.

As far as a testament to being an amazing parent, it's funny because, I don't know, for you, but for me, not only being a parent, but being a parent to a teenager who becomes an adult really is a mind shift.

Because.

From baby to toddler years is really about survival.

Like, these things are so small, but we're so terrified.

Right.

They burping?

Are they pooping?

Are they.

Why are they moving like that?

Right, Right, Yes.

Are they gaining weight?

You're like, yay, I can't wait for them to walk.

And then you'd be like, I need to sit.

Absolutely.

But even afterwards, like, when they become.

Especially when they become an adult, for me, that's when it's kind of like I know who I am, my boundaries, what I'm capable of leading this person that.

That God gave.

And I don't know about for you, but I'm trying to tie it with your questions at the same time, but with these questions, it really is a moment to be able to understand who you are, especially in your time of life.

You did say that.

It really.

It really does.

You.

You do shift and move almost like a wave.

Because I loved the.

The.

The.

The imaginative years.

You know, baby years was boring.

Even though it was stressful, it was just boring.

I was like, this body's just like.

Just carry it from point A to point B.

It's like, all right, now, what with.

Other stuff, it really was the stuff I hated.

You're right.

Yeah.

It wasn't.

It wasn't the baby.

I just want to make that clear.

100.

You're so right.

The bag, the stroller, the what ifs.

Yes.

The what ifs.

Yes.

Pacifiers.

You gotta have, like, not just one, because what if that one, like, gets lost?

You gotta have another one.

So it's not even just thinking about what you need, but, like, ahead of that, even like, if that's not there, we need to have a backup in all these areas.

Right.

And then if the baby would cry, you know, in the space, you know, is where, you know, people would expect for the parent to leave.

Yeah.

But for me, it was just like, I can leave with this baby.

Right?

Stuff.

Yes.

Let me.

Exactly.

Oh, gosh.

But anyways, so to my next question, as far as with these.

After these questions and going through these questions, what should a person who's coming to you for personal coaching, what are.

What is the next step?

What should they expect?

Or for Those who hate surprises.

Yes.

What are they going to receive after they fill out this questionnaire?

So for those that fill out the questionnaire, then I get their survey.

You know, I kind of go through it, score it, if you will.

And then we usually have a discovery call, which is free.

And it's just kind of going through the questions, seeing if the way that they answered and the way that those questions kind of lend to, you know, if that makes sense for them.

Sometimes there's more than one question that they feel kind of drawn to.

So again, just asking more clarifying questions, getting a little bit more information about, you know, their history in terms of what was it like growing up, you know, what, what things do you love?

What things really, you know, Cause you just angst, if you will.

And so really identifying those things and then talking through what they're interested in, I would say moving forward in.

So sometimes with this awareness, maybe there's a relationship that they're, you know, feeling stuck in or the physical situation where maybe they want to improve something physically and that's just.

They keep hitting a wall.

Maybe it's through work environment, you know, there's opportunities and challenges that they would like to explore, but they don't feel confident enough to do so.

So I think just looking at where they're at, what areas they either feel stuck in or areas they would like to explore, and then doing a deeper dive in their primal question and kind of being able to identify what they need most.

Are they getting that?

Are they not?

What maybe types of unhealthy behaviors are resulting, you know, from not getting those needs met?

Where are they feeling confident?

Because the, the goal then is to.

The more healthy we become and the more aware we become about, you know, what meets our needs, the more we can step into our gifts.

Gifts that, you know, God, God given gifts and gifts that we can speak into others to provide that love in my example.

And one is because the thing that we need most is the thing that we give best.

So in this work, sometimes I have a friend and she's like an am I safe, secure?

And she's really drilled that into her kids and she kind of felt bad, like, oh my gosh, like I wrecked my kids.

Like, you know, they're checking their bank accounts and they're doing all these things like, you know, kind of as a security measure.

But I was like, yeah, but at the same time, you gave them an amazing gift of having that awareness and having that practicality.

And so I think that's the full circle moment.

Is when we can really step into who we are as people and who God intended us to be and feeling confident and to do that.

And then the way that we not only impact our relationships and our choices, but also how we impact those around us and give them the freedom to be who they are.

And through that acceptance and that just support, you know, whatever that looks like.

So it's definitely.

This isn't something that I pursued necessarily for, you know, my marriage, but there were definitely blind spots, you know, in that relationship that through kind of going through this work, you're like, oh my gosh, like, what?

How much better could it be, you know, if we looked at each other and really were focused on making sure the needs of that other person is met?

How can I not give, I don't know, let's see how I say this.

How can I not give them ammo to have unhealthy behaviors?

You know what I mean?

So, like, for example, like, my husband is.

Am I safe?

And he is security minded.

He likes to feel safe in his relationships, feel safe in his environment.

And, you know, I am the wanted.

So again, like, if I'm just going crazy and doing my thing and not affirming him and not reassuring him and making time for him, which is what he needs, then he's thinking, you know, oh my gosh, like, is something wrong?

Is, you know, is she mad at me?

Am I not doing enough from our relationship?

Like, well, is our marriage, you know, going the wrong direction?

And all these thoughts that again, are not real?

It's just kind of dialogue that we start to start to create in our minds without really any proof.

But the more that I can be aware of some of those.

And again, not that you're not going to have, you know, challenges or miscommunications, but if I cannot feed into those insecurities, then that's an amazing gift to be more aware of what he needs to be as, as good as he can be in terms of a husband, a dad, a grandparent, you know, a leader in church and at work.

So it kind of is an amazing gift to be able to give to others, but it's kind of like you can't help others until you put that oxygen mask on yourself.

So as much as I feel like in these needs, in the workshop that we've started to do, there's a few that are involved that are just like, you know what?

Like, I've never thought about my needs.

Never.

She, she never.

She was in kind of a similar home situation where it was Always about everyone else.

It was about kind of navigating the next thing.

And she relied on like her to do list, you know, to provide value.

And she never really had a need because she, I think was self protecting herself.

You know, it's like if I don't have a need and I don't expect anything from anybody, then I can't be disappointed.

Disappointed.

And even some of that awareness that we're like, oh my gosh, like how can we, you know, kind of function in that way?

And it's worked for us, you know, I mean, clearly it's, it's not that it hasn't, but what if we could take it to the next level and really, you know, be more aware to grow, you know, even more in a healthier way?

I would say, wow, there's a couple of things that you said.

Yeah.

That, that made me want to go deeper, which is, man, I'm trying to figure out where to start.

So really good things.

Okay.

So going back, which was the, the one with the friend who was drilling something in her kids about the financial security and what I find interesting about that story is, is that it reminds me that God uses everything for his benefit, you know, and for you to say that, because there are things that I think about as a parent, I'd be like, well, I should have done that better.

I should have done this better.

And I remember when my daughter was just clearly well into her teens, I remember I was just, I did, it was road rage, road rage.

I was like, I told her, I said, don't be like me.

And she goes, don't worry, I won't.

Just don't be like me.

But, but for you to, to, to share that story, I think it's beautiful because I, it's hard not to, to regret.

And I say that because a lot of things are digital.

So, you know, you might have a picture that, that will come up because Apple is very notorious and there are times where, you know, the picture is beautiful.

You kept the picture for a reason.

But sometimes it can remind you of that particular day.

Like, oh, before I took this picture, this is what was, you know, there, there's surroundings and sometimes it's hard not to regret.

Sure, absolutely.

Yeah.

And yeah, I agree.

I definitely have, I'm sure several instances, you know, where I look back and wish that I would have said something different or acted differently.

Then again, you know, I guess it's just kind of hopefully, you know, we, we meant it from a good place or we, you know, didn't intend, you Know how we reviewed it, and it just can give us grace, you know, for just trying our best, even though we may not have always hit the mark, but being kind to ourself in those moments.

Yeah, yeah.

There was something else that you said that was.

That was intriguing, which was the example of you and your husband as far as the different needs that you guys have in order to be fulfilled.

I'll use that word.

I don't know if that's the appropriate word.

Yeah, absolutely.

Sure.

But I find that very interesting because we do get in our head quite easily because as the example, you were doing your thing, and you can go so far to where he begins to think other thoughts.

Right.

When a partner begins to think other thoughts.

How.

How do you pull that back in as a couple.

In terms of the person?

I guess I need a little more context.

So, like, let's say for my husband, like, let's say if he was having, you know, kind of reading into the situation.

Right.

Yeah.

Normal way, you know, hopefully through some of this, rather than, you know, him finding compassion from the neighbor, you know, or, you know, at a work relationship, you know, starting to talk to that person more about what's going on in terms of feelings, thoughts like, let's have, you know, lunch and feeling distant from me.

And so trying to find a connection, you know, somewhere else.

I think just keeping that openness and that dialogue open of, you know, where.

When that disconnect starts to happen, like, where is it coming from?

Like, why is it happening?

What.

And again, not that I'm.

That we do something wrong, but maybe we're just not aware of.

Of what that person is needing in that moment in time.

And so just being open and honest and willing to learn and grow, you know, with.

With your spouse.

And like you mentioned, it's, you know, we.

We change and evolve.

And I think there.

There was definitely a time when he was pursuing the corporate track and was like, you know, gone a lot.

And then I maybe, you know, didn't feel as seen or as pursued in those moments.

And it wasn't because he didn't maybe want to.

He just didn't have the bandwidth to.

And I'm not giving him a pass because let's say if we would have had more of this awareness to be like, okay, let's plan a date night, you know, like, maybe he could, you know, be more proactive about.

Let's.

I'm coming home from a long weekend.

I'm gonna bring flowers, because then that's gonna tell, you know, my spouse that they are being thought of and that, you know, they were missed and so things like that.

But.

But then as we've gotten older, he had back surgery and he's now not working and is kind of dealing with a lot of physical challenges, which then I think as life has shifted, he's a little bit more aware of the things that he needs because he has more time on his hands and he's not as busy with the day to day and the meetings and those types of things.

So I think just really being willing to give each other grace and keep that communication because I think as soon as those walls start to go up, it becomes harder to figure out how to undo it.

And so, yeah, so I think just learning and growing and I don't know, we've again, not done anything, done everything perfect by any means, but just giving each other grace to be the people that we are and to embrace those changes when they happen and to talk through them and hopefully be supportive and not critical and not judgmental, but just to.

To try to be a partner in that.

Yeah.

Wow, that's beautiful.

Did you ever end up having a conversation with your mom with what you guys, with what you went through in.

Respect to like the primal question kind of things?

Oh, Oh.

I was just thinking because, you know, with communicating and grace, it made me think about your mom.

You know, we.

She's.

She's kind of engaged in like the assessment and kind of trying to figure out, you know, maybe areas of growth.

And oddly enough, she is an am I safe?

And so she.

Safe and secure kind of go hand in hand.

So.

And when she was growing up, she.

They were in a farm community.

They didn't have a lot of money.

It was, you know, storms.

And she just remembers feeling like every day it was like, are we gonna get, you know, our tornado?

Are we gonna be able to put food on the table tomorrow?

Like, it was kind of that scarcity mindset.

And it was always just kind of that like, what's next?

What next?

And so for her, providing an environment or creating one that she feels like she knows what to expect.

You know, it's safe for her.

She doesn't have to worry about those surprises.

She, you know, has steady income.

It's, you know, kind of very like, I don't know, just.

I don't want to say dull, but it's, it's, let's see, not expected.

I can't think of what the word would be, but predictable.

That's what it is.

It's predictable.

And I really feel now unfortunately, she.

She doesn't really like to look back.

I mean, I think for her, it's hard.

You know, we talked about a lot of guilt and a lot of things that she sees now that she missed out on or could have done differently.

And due to her kind of mental status at the time, like one when the second husband, my sister's dad, we pretty much.

It was him and I, and we were in the living room having a conversation, and he was telling me that he was leaving and I was moving out, and my mom was in bed sleeping.

And it was just because she wasn't, I don't think, able to process.

You know, she was kind of in her own scramble, if you will, of feeling secure or feeling safe, and that was at risk.

So she didn't really know how to.

How to work through that.

And so for her, she slept a lot.

You know, she just kind of disengaged.

So I think for her, she doesn't want to remember because I think it's.

It's hurtful.

And as much as she knows that my sister and I have kind of been able to rise above, you know, thanks to just God's grace and those angels that you talked about and choosing to look at the positive or to at least embrace that piece of it, but with her being safe, it does help me kind of maybe see where she was searching.

You know, I feel like in those relationships, if she didn't feel safe or secure, you know, financially, or know what to expect, she didn't really know how to work through that, I don't think.

And so her answer was to just be done, move forward and try it again.

And we didn't, as a kid, we didn't really have a lot of conflict resolution.

Like, I don't remember really ever having having my parents have an argument.

And so I don't know.

I think, again, if that was her way of protecting us, like, well, she doesn't want us to see that they're having a problem or that there's an argument or that there's a disagreement and what that looks like.

And so really, we didn't know what was going until someone is moving out.

So as it relates to, you know, her and not really having the knowledge of how to work through challenging situations and having challenging conversations.

And it was just kind of like, okay, I'm not sure what to do with this.

So we're going to be done with this relationship, and I'm going to start, you know, looking for someone new that maybe could provide the safety and the security that I need.

But then as an adult, like, I didn't see that modeled.

So my husband and I, for the first couple years were.

It was rough.

Like, I didn't know if we were gonna make it because his family was like, let's yell and scream.

I mean, not yell in a bad way, but, you know, like, let's address it.

Let's get through it.

Tomorrow's a new day.

Let's be done.

And I was like, like, you know, creative avoidance.

We don't talk about it, we don't acknowledge it.

It's over there in the corner, but we're just gonna ignore it until it goes away.

And so.

And some of those things, you know, we had a lot of learning to do with just how to just simple conflict resolution because neither one of us really saw it modeled effectively.

So even kind of seems, you know, it seems incidental, but it could be a huge barrier, you know, for.

For people to kind of get through that clash and figure out where there's a happy medium just from things that we did or didn't see, you know, as we grew up.

So, yeah.

So, yeah, so I, I give her grace.

And she loved us as best she could.

She worked like crazy.

She always had two jobs.

She wanted to be able to afford the things that she felt were important to have.

And so she definitely double timed, you know, in her own way to make sure that she was providing what she felt was important for us.

You know, whether or not that misses, that missed the mark or hit the market.

It was what she felt was best.

So.

Yeah.

Thank you for sharing that.

I felt that I needed to ask that question because.

Absolutely.

That's great.

I.

I didn't want to leave an impression on people that she was a bad person because I know with the person that I'm referring to, sometimes their past helps you understand their present.

Right.

And.

And why they move the way they move.

Right.

And sometimes it still can.

Leave questions.

I mean, I always leave questions.

Exactly.

Yeah.

But sometimes the things that people do to children that we say, oh, that's bad.

Why do they do that?

Oh, oh, you're a bad person.

Sometimes they may not have the skills, knowledge 100 in order to be able to do what we feel is correct in order to raise a child.

Yeah.

So I, I felt that I needed to ask that question in order to clarify that based on your story and her story.

Yeah, we.

Y' all needed to do what.

What.

What y' all had at that time.

Right.

Exactly.

And you know, she, she.

She will give anyone you Know, the shirt off her back.

Like, she.

She loves hard, she's giving, she's generous.

I think she just didn't always make the best choices in relationships.

Yeah.

And to be fair, like, they.

All those guys weren't, you know, rosy either.

So, like, you know, my dad, he was an entrepreneur, and he was ready to go make a name for himself and felt like he wanted to be on the road and kind of work 24 7, and he really didn't feel like family was in, you know, his, I would say, a priority at that time.

My sister's dad, he ended up, you know, having an affair, and that was kind of what led to their separation.

The next husband was an alcoholic.

And honestly, I felt like I wish she would have left him a lot sooner than they did because there was some physical stuff and he never hit me.

But, you know, which, again, you know, I don't know, I say I wish that he would have, but I felt like if he would have done some things to me and my sister, that would have been received differently than it was, you know, for her.

And then the person that she married two times, he had a lot of confidence or lack of confidence issues and, you know, got towards the end, very controlling and very questioning and very domineering and.

And that wasn't healthy.

And then her last husband passed away from cancer.

They had been married for, like, 20 years.

So.

So to, you know, be fair to your audience as well, like, you know, it takes two.

And the other side wasn't begging her to stay by any means.

And, you know, we were a package deal.

Like, for her, it was like me and my sister and her, and we were like the three musketeers.

And if anything were to put that into question, she would always choose us.

Yeah.

So there is some beauty in knowing that we were kind of a ride or die, in a sense, you know, and if there was a choice, we would be chosen.

It's just I'm in the other relationship realm is kind of where my sister and I just didn't really know where to find that security and that love and that wanting, you know, that maybe the opposite parent would have provided a little more balance with.

So, yeah, so you're right.

Definitely.

Every story, you know, there's, like, more to it, if you will.

Yeah.

And one of the husbands, like, you know, oh, I don't even get on a roll.

But, like, he.

He was the one that drank a lot and, you know, to the outside, to the neighborhood, he was, like, the best guy and the best husband and he was always like, will, you know, be social?

And, I mean, what could go wrong?

And then behind closed doors, he was like the biggest jerk.

Like, he bullied me.

He just, you know, he was not a happy drunk.

And when there was a situation where, you know, there was some physical violence, my mom called the neighbor, and the neighbor was like, I don't want to get involved.

So, you know, even in, like, kind of the 70s, you know, early 80s, I think there was a lot of that, too, where it's like, okay, that's your problem, and I'm over here, and you got to figure it out.

And now, thankfully, we're evolved where there are, you know, support groups and there's hotlines and there's, you know, people that are more than happy to step in and get people out of a situation that can be, you know, really scary.

Where back then, even when you may reach out for help, whether that help is going to be received, you know, or provided or not was kind of based on the person you were asking.

So in a way, you're kind of just, you know, feeling a little bit on your own, you know, in some of those other ways.

Place too.

So.

So she did at times, you know, I think, try to reach out, but whether it was, you know, it was received or not, then can't control that either.

So just kind of what it was.

So anyway, all that say is there's always.

There's always more to the story.

Which makes family stories ever more fascinating.

I know, right?

All the layers, like the example, like that example of an onion, there's just like.

Yes, yes.

And more becomes apparent as we dig.

Yes.

Sometimes you said challenging, but can hopefully be a place of healing and awareness and know how to move forward in a.

In a better way.

Yes, yes.

You know, when I was talking about that family member and their angel and how they did some creative ways, and one of the creative ways was a letter that they wrote.

And I've always wanted to know what was in that letter to the parent.

Like, I just feel like I mean it and.

And.

And it's very interesting because, I mean, back in the day, I mean.

I mean, there were an email, and, you know, I was.

So they could.

I mean, this person could have easily just said it over the phone, but the fact that they took the time to write a letter and put it in the mail, and sometimes I just be like, I wish I could see what that was.

Absolutely.

You're right.

So, yeah.

Yeah, there's.

Yeah.

Family stories are just multifaceted.

Yes.

If I'M saying that word right?

No, you're right.

Yeah, for sure.

Oh, goodness.

So with your, you know, I think this is a fitting way to end with their website of emotion and mindset.

And I'm going to finish it with your mom.

As far as, you know, like you said, you guys are the three musketeers.

That was her mindset was the three of you sticking together and feeling safe, fed and having a roof over your head.

Right.

And she did what she could.

So in order.

So her motion was to do what she could in order to make sure that you were provided for.

And with your website, motion and mindset, which I don't think is the reason why you named it that way.

No, but it does apply to lots of scenarios.

It may not be the way, but with you telling, talking about your mom's story, I think that is with all of us in life.

You know, our mindset and it can be both ways.

Sometimes how we move is our mindset or maybe our mindset is how the way we move.

Right.

But there.

But there's always a trigger point and we react based off of our past, based off of others people's past and how the way we try and provide what we feel is what we need.

So I think with your personal coaching of motionandmindset.com I think it's beautiful and with God's purpose and God's plan and for us to be in step with them because that's what we really is in the end.

Because when we're without Christ, we, we.

We move and our minds are, are in a particular way.

But when we, when we.

With Christ, we, We can do it together.

Yes, exactly.

Just meeting, Meeting people where they're at.

Yeah.

In their story for sure.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

Anyways, Tanya, I am blessed and I really enjoy our conversation there.

I'm gonna be honest with you.

I'm probably gonna reach out to this person and see how they are.

After our conversation, I just want to.

I don't know why I'm getting teary eyed, which I shouldn't.

I just want to acknowledge your story, how extraordinary you are and for you to be able to overcome.

Not only just overcome, because sometimes that is just like you're just on the top of the hill and you can breathe.

But for you to not only overcome, but reach out and help those overcome their trauma and their story is just extraordinary and beautiful.

And I am so happy for us to meet and I pray that those will reach out to you and feel the same way too.

Thank you.

So much.

Yes.

It's been a pleasure.

I've been blessed to meet you and to get to know you a little more.

And like you said, motion of mindset.com their assessment is on that first page.

So if someone's just curious about what is my what is my, you know, highest emotional need or primal need, and how does that relate to my gifts and what I could give, you know, to others or just start from a point of healing.

It's a free assessment, and everything's confidential.

So definitely, if you feel led, I would love to to have more conversation in that way.

Thank you.

All right, guys, I'll see you next time.

All right.

Sounds good.

Thank you, Ashley.

Thank you.

By.