In this insightful episode, Angela Anderson Knittel articulates a profound examination of people pleasing as a form of manipulation, weaving together personal anecdotes and critical analysis. The discussion is sparked by a video that posits people pleasing as a manipulative behavior, prompting Angela to confront her own lifelong tendencies of pleasing others. Through her narrative, she reflects on the origins of these behaviors, tracing them back to her childhood experiences in an unstable environment, where maintaining peace often necessitated self-manipulation. Angela meticulously dissects the concept of manipulation, challenging the notion that it is inherently malevolent. She argues that manipulation, when rooted in positive intent, can serve beneficial purposes, such as fostering harmony in personal and professional contexts. The episode delves into the complexities of self-manipulation, where individuals may sacrifice their own preferences and desires to meet the expectations of others. This behavior, while often well-intentioned, can lead to an erosion of one’s authentic self, as individuals may come to believe that their altered preferences are genuine.

Takeaways:

1. In the realm of interpersonal dynamics, the concept of manipulation often elicits strong emotional responses, particularly when intertwined with people-pleasing tendencies.
2. People pleasing is frequently misconstrued as a benign trait, yet it inherently operates as a form of self-manipulation that can lead to an erosion of personal identity.
3. The distinction between genuine growth and self-abandonment through people pleasing is paramount, as the latter can foster resentment and emotional discontent.
4. Engaging in self-auditing is essential for individuals who identify as people pleasers, enabling them to discern their true desires from those imposed by external expectations.

About the Host

Angela Anderson Knittle is a corporate trainer, theater director, mother, and natural guide who finds wisdom in everyday moments. She brings heartfelt clarity into conversations about connection, compassion, and personal growth. Angela’s Living Room is where her lived experiences become gentle, honest insight for anyone wanting deeper relationships.

Podcast website: https://angelas-living-room.captivate.fm

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Come on in.

Welcome.

Oh, I'm glad you're here.

Please come in and have a seat.

Let's see where the conversation takes us.

I have a doozy of a topic for today's conversation.

Boy, this one.

So every once in a while I will have somebody send me a video or reel to check out, you know, cute little cat videos, dog videos that make you smile.

And then every once in a while, somebody will send you a video and it strikes a nerve and really triggers some deep thoughts.

And this video did all of those things.

Okay, all of those things.

I hit play on the video and this attractive young man starts talking and he says that the gist of it anyway, that people pleasing is really just manipulation.

I was shook.

As a lifelong people pleaser, I had to stop in my tracks and figure out why that triggered me as profoundly as it did.

Because it did.

I was shook to my core.

I was like, wait a second, what?

I no such.

I.

How dare he?

Does he even.

And then I did a thing that I want to do and I, I started thinking, gets me every time.

Is it manipulation?

And another question, is manipulation bad?

Like we hear manipulation and we automatically think bad.

Manipulation, bad.

Manipulation is controlling.

It's scheming, it's doing all of the things.

Right.

So it's negative.

But is it?

I mean, we, we manipulate data, right?

For reporting purposes, for projections, to understand market trends and business needs.

We manipulate data all the time.

Right?

And this statement hit me so harsh.

I, I was instantly offended and I really needed to dive into the why, why it hit me like that.

And my process as I think through these things is I need to get to the basics.

Okay, so let's jump to the definition.

What does manipulation mean?

It is generally defined as influencing or, or controlling someone or a situation in a way that may not be transparent or fair.

And there's some important words in there.

May not be transparent, may not be fair.

May is doing a lot of work there.

So let's dig into it.

All right.

It creates or carries with it a negative connotation suggesting deceit or self serving intent.

But is it always?

Or is it like everything else?

And it lives on a spectrum.

Okay, People pleasing as manipulation.

Let's look into this.

In people pleasing, we manipulate ourselves and sometimes others to maintain harmony in our environment.

Sometimes to maintain safety in our environment, we change our own preferences, sometimes even our beliefs and, and, and our desires to keep others happy.

Over time, we might even believe that those changes are our own true self, that we take on what somebody else desires.

In order to maintain harmony.

So is manipulation inherently bad?

Right.

I talked about some of the ways that we manipulate that aren't necessarily negative.

Right.

In order for a business to meet the consumer needs, they need to understand it.

And analyzing data, which requires manipulating that data, that's not bad.

That's good business.

All right.

Keeping it in that professional setting is training at its core, not manipulation.

I am adjusting your behavior to meet the business's need to fulfill the role.

I am teaching you new skills, new language, new expected processes, new ways of thinking about how you interact with people.

Is that not a form of manipulation?

I manipulate all the time.

I get paid quite well to manipulate rooms full of people all at once.

Coaching is a form of manipulation, and it's a manipulation that you enter into willingly.

You are asking an expert, somebody with insight, expertise, certain subject matter.

Don't you hate it when a word just falls right out of your head?

Subject matter, expertise in a topic or in a skill set.

Right.

And you go to that person to seek to improve yourself and you willingly engage in an act of manipulation.

Think about it.

Personal affirmations.

We're manipulating how we see ourselves and what to expect out of our day.

When I start my day off saying that I am going to have a good day, I am manipulating my own expectation.

Manipulation isn't inherently bad.

What we need to look at is what is the intent of the manipulation and are you being transparent in your intent?

When I am training a class, I am very direct about the intention of the manipulation we're going to engage in.

I tell them what I expect from them and what they can expect from me and what activities we're going to engage in to ensure that they adapt to the correct behavior to do the job that they have agreed to.

Right.

If we are engaging in these activities and we are not being transparent with the intention behind what we're doing, this is where we get into negative ground.

That's where people start feeling used, taken advantage of, or controlled.

Right.

So intention very much matters.

Context matters.

You have to.

You can't look at any given situation in isolation.

You always want to keep big picture in mind.

Right.

Intention is everything as we move through life.

And our own good intention, if we are not transparent about, Can still have a negative impact on other people.

Right.

If we keep our intentions to ourselves, or if our intentions are purely selfish, then our intention, our own good intention for ourselves, can still have a negative impact on others.

And we have to stay aware of that.

Right.

We have to keep in mind that intention and impact are not always exactly the same thing.

And that if my good intention has a negative impact, I have to take ownership of the impact.

And my intention is not an excuse.

I know I am treading into all sorts of stormy waters today, folks.

These topics are spicy, okay?

Manipulation is a very triggering word for a lot of good reasons.

A lot of people manipulate with bad intention, with selfish intention.

And when we are the used party and somebody else's manipulation, it doesn't make us feel good.

Right?

So if we are engaging in a manipulation, we have to know what we're doing and we have to take ownership of not only our intent but also our impact.

Right?

Growth is about genuine alignment.

It's not about just keeping people content.

Oftentimes people pleasers adapt and adjust their own behavior for the benefit of others around them.

And listen, there are times where that is for your good, right?

That it is aligned with your goals and you are gaining from it and those are the times that you lean into it.

Where we want to continually self audit and make sure that the changes that we're engaging in are moving us towards the goals that we've chosen for ourselves, for our families.

Right.

But that we also.

I just had a thought train derail.

I apologize folks.

I'm currently cleaning up the wreckage.

It's going to take me a moment to reconnect the thought and be able to.

To proceed with where I was going exactly with that.

It was multi car.

It's going to take a minute.

Hang on.

So.

We need to make sure that as we're conducting these self audits that the, the things that we're choosing to change, the adaptions that we're making to keep everyone else content and calm and happy and in harmony, that they're not costing us our own goals, that they're not creating or causing anxiety or resentment or other negative impacts or feelings within ourselves and that we are not subverting those discomforts so that other people can be comfortable.

Right.

We reach a point in our life where we have to as a people pleaser, really look at reframing our people pleasing.

Right?

Yes, we do manipulate others to maintain the peace, anticipating needs, adapting our own desires to align with their choices and preferences.

We also manipulate ourselves and almost more consistently because we control our own self where we don't control the those around us.

We really manipulate ourselves to fit into the image of what our environment is demanding of us.

Right?

So if you're in a marital relationship and your spouse has an image of what a partner is supposed to look like, a specific Role that is to be fulfilled, duties that are to be performed even if they don't align with your own preferences, your own desires, your own ambitions, you'll sublimate yours to push their preferences forward.

Okay.

Same thing with the child behavior.

I grew up in such a.

Such a. Oh, There were moments of joy and happiness in my childhood, and I have some incredible, amazing memories with my mom and with my sisters.

But there are some truly traumatic memories.

My mom had terrible taste in men, by and large, and engaged in a lot of destructive behavior.

There was a lot of alcohol.

There were a lot of drugs.

And, you know, environments where alcohol and drugs are prevalent are unstable.

And, you know, a couple of the men that my mom was involved with through the years were very volatile.

A lot of narcissistic tendencies, a lot of very selfish behavior, a lot of explosive anger, violence.

And what I learned from a very young age is that if I could keep people laughing and smiling and if I could anticipate what they were going to need, then there was no reason for them to get frustrated or angry or for the switch to flip and the situation to become dangerous.

So I got really good at how hosting for my mom and whoever was there, gathering, making sure that beverages never went empty and that snacks were available, and keeping my sisters quiet and entertained and in their room and just being present and responsive and a good little girl who kept everything calm and always had a funny story or would sing a song or dance or do whatever it was to keep everybody happy.

I performed, man.

I performed as a babysitter, and I performed as a waitress and a bartender.

I couldn't make a mean Bloody Mary by eight.

Like, my.

My Bloody Marys are incredible.

Eight years old, right?

I knew how to make a screwdriver.

I knew how to make a whiskey sour.

I knew how to mix all of the favorite drinks, and I knew how to clock how long a beer had been setting and seeing how.

How far down in the bottle it was when to bring the next round out.

And I was really good at making sure that my sister's mess didn't trigger a fight because somebody stepped on something or.

I became really, really good at managing the environment.

Didn't work every time, unfortunately, But I knew that if I was super attentive and if I was on top of things, then I could prevent things from going bad sooner rather than later.

So we manipulate ourselves.

We alter our personality to fit the need of the room.

We slowly change what we like, what we want, what we need.

And over time, we teach ourselves to believe that those changes are our true desires.

Because it's easier to settle into it than to resist it.

Not because they are, but because they keep other people happy.

And when other people are happy, then your environment is safe, You know, relatively speaking, until the next time bomb goes off, till the next eggshell gets broken.

So when change gets labeled as growth, right, Change, they say, oh, you're growing so much.

And we.

There's all kinds of different changes that we engage in.

We adjust ourselves to please societal demands, you know, the expectations of our community.

Sometimes we change ourselves for one person, right?

Sometimes we will twist ourselves into odd shapes.

You know, there was a period of time where I did not miss a NASCAR ra.

Did not miss one.

And why didn't I miss one?

Because I was dating a guy, super nice guy, who was really into nascar.

He was a body mechanic.

You know, if.

If you crunched your car, he could make it not crunched and give it a pretty paint job and, you know, do all of the things.

Very handy guy loved tinkering on cars, had a race car.

I have spent time in the pits of a small track race.

It's a lot of fun.

Was I ever, though, really a NASCAR race fan?

I can't say that I was, because when that relationship ended, unless I was hanging out with my mom, who was a NASCAR fan, I did not.

I did not engage.

I would.

Would never turn it on right now.

And listen, I know there are a lot of people out there who love nascar, and this is no shade against nascar, all right?

Like I said, my own mom, big fan.

She loved it.

She never missed a race.

It's just not.

Just not my cup of Noodles, man.

Okay?

Just not.

Not my flavor, Not.

Not for me.

And then I dated a guy who was really into football, so I watched all of the football games.

It's all right, you know, go Bears.

They're having a great postseason.

Hopefully they'll make it to the Super Bowl.

That'd be fantastic.

But do I ever, sitting here by myself, go, gee, I wish there was a football game I could turn?

No, I watch it to please others.

I have an opinion about it because people care.

And so I paid just close enough attention to be able to have a team and kind of know what they're doing.

Because when somebody talks about their team, I want to have something to say along with them, right?

Part of.

Part of who I am is I enjoy the ability to connect to others.

So I know a little bit about a lot of things because there are a lot of people who know a Lot of stuff about a wide variety of things.

I.

We adapt and adjust to connect.

We adapt and adjust to keep the peace.

We adapt and adjust to maintain harmony.

We soften our edges.

We silence our needs.

We.

We abandon preferences.

We give up things that we really enjoy because somebody else doesn't care for it.

And we call it growth.

But I challenge you.

I want to question it.

Is it growth or is it self abandonment?

Are you giving up what you love because somebody else likes something different?

I can't answer that question for you.

Right.

This is something you have to look inward for yourself and determine how.

How do I tell the difference if I'm evolving or if I'm erasing myself.

And the only way I'll know is if I know who I am and what I like.

Oh, there was a movie.

And I wish I could remember what movie it was.

I believe it was a rom com.

And the woman is eating eggs all of the different ways.

She's got boiled eggs and fried eggs and all of the different eggs.

Runaway Bride.

It was Runaway Bride.

My girl Julia, okay, she had gone from relationship to relationship to relationship.

And the premise of the show is every time she approaches the altar, she bolts.

And through the course of the show, she realizes she has no idea what she wants.

Because in every relationship, she becomes what her new partner desires.

And she didn't even know what kind of eggs she liked to eat.

So she sampled them all to figure out how did she want to eat her eggs?

Was it the omelette?

Was it the scramble?

Is it fried?

Does she like a runny yolk or not?

She didn't know.

For the record, I like my eggs all of the ways.

Any way that you can serve an egg, I will like that egg.

Just saying.

But it's about knowing your own preferences.

Do you know what you like?

Not what other people think is good for you.

Think you should like, think you should do.

Think you should say.

Think you should act like.

Think you should be like.

It's important that we can distinguish growth from people pleasing.

Growth feels expensive or not expensive.

It feels expansive.

Growth.

You are expanding who and what you are.

It is authentic to you.

It aligns with your true self.

People pleasing often feels like it's a compromise where your own needs are being pushed aside.

Your own preferences, your own needs, your wants, your passions, if they are not the priority, if that can be skipped to meet somebody else's need instead.

Consistently, like sometimes in a relationship, it's a compromise.

We'll meet my needs today, and then tomorrow we'll Meet your needs, and on the third day, maybe we'll do a little of both.

Right?

But if you find that your needs and wants are being pushed to the side, consistently, predictably, daily, as a.

As just the way we do things, that's not good, right?

Because that leads to resentment growing.

The key difference is authenticity.

And we're going to come back to that word.

It's an important word, intention.

What is the intention, and is it your intention or their intention?

So when.

When you say yes, ask yourself, is this in alignment with my true self, or am I adapting just to keep the peace?

And I. I need us to be honest here, all right?

There's some honest rewards attached to manipulation.

It isn't always miserable for all parties involved.

There can be real joy in creating an environment that is peaceful and where everyone is calm and has their needs met.

And as long as it's not completely at the expense of your needs to get there, there can be true joy and fulfillment in being able to create and maintain that kind of environment where people feel at ease and at peace and calm.

There's validation in being the one who keeps the peace.

And there's a kind of power in knowing that everyone is okay.

And I made that happen.

Especially for those of us who learned early that approval meant safety.

Right.

It can be very validating, very, very fulfill.

So how are people pleasers formed?

Do they just, you know, generate spontaneously?

No.

I don't believe that anybody is born a people pleaser.

I absolutely believe that it is learned behavior, that it is adaptive and learned behavior.

It doesn't just come out of nowhere.

Some of us learn it through trauma.

Being agreeable keeps us safe.

Reading the room is survival.

In my childhood, being able to read the room, anticipate needs and meet the needs of the room kept me safe, kept my sister safe, kept my mother safe.

My mother was attracted to very dangerous men, sometimes very volatile men.

And keeping their temper even was critical at times.

So I learned it through trauma.

But that's not the only way to be a people pleaser.

You can be a people pleaser and have had a very happy childhood.

Right?

Because you can also learn it through modeling.

If you grow up with a parent or a guardian who is a people pleaser, and they model that it is acceptable and appropriate to sublimate your own needs in order to keep the peace, to just stay quiet and to just do what's asked of you and to do it with a smile, and that it is kind to be pleasing to others, and it is appropriate to be pleasing for others, especially girls, boys, it's much more socially acceptable to rebel and to push back against requests and requirements.

As a young woman, we are often conditioned to keep other people's happiness at the forefront.

Right?

That good girls.

It's not exclusive to girls.

Please don't mistake me.

Boys can end up people pleasers for the same exact reasons, but it is much more socially prevalent.

Prevalent.

Sometimes words stumble on the way out, okay?

You can't help it.

But growing up and having somebody consistently model people pleasing behavior can turn you into a people pleaser too.

Even if there is precious little trauma in your life either way, it becomes a strategy.

It does not have to be your personality, it is how you manage your environment.

And as soon as you acknowledge that about yourself, you can start taking ownership of the choices you make within it, right?

Because there is a cost.

People pleasing is not without its downside.

And the problem isn't the kindness effect.

And I think we need to engage in a lot more kindness in the world.

But the problem is when kindness comes at the cost of honesty, right?

When you, when you agree to do things because it's easier than saying no, or because you're afraid that the saying no will make somebody else unhappy or upset, right?

At that point you're not being honest, not with yourself and not to them.

When we're saying yes while quietly resenting it, that's being dishonest.

And here's a scenario that we can see play out time and time again, right?

We'll see a relationship.

We'll say a man and a woman in a relationship together and the woman keeps agreeing to doing more and more of the household chores.

And I'm just going to paint a kind of a generic scenario, right?

Woman agrees to do, you know, when they first engage in the relationship and move in together, they agree that they're going to split everything 50, 50.

And over time, he stops doing portions of dishes and laundry and tidying of common spaces.

And if it's going to get done, she's the one who steps up and does it.

And the expectation is that she'll just do it.

And it becomes she'll just do it and she keeps doing, doing it and she's resenting it and she doesn't say anything or she'll make passive aggressive comments without directly addressing the behavior that's bothering her, right?

And then over a period of months, her resentments build and she suddenly says, I'm done.

I'm tired of living with a man child who can't clean up after himself.

We're done, I'm breaking up, I'm moving out, I'm going back to my parents, I'm moving in with my sister, whatever, I'm out of here.

And he sits there and goes, well, out of nowhere, she just went crazy and moved out.

Because she's just been doing it and doing it and doing and not voicing her true level of concern with than workload not being split in the home.

And from his perspective, she just went crazy.

And from, from her perspective, she's been demonstrating all along that she was upset by it.

But because it wasn't direct communication, It's from his point of view, came out of nowhere, right?

When we are angry at people for being who they are, people are who they are.

Especially when we, when we live with them or when we're in relationship with them, they show up as who they are.

They show up as who they're going to be.

And when we're angry at them for being themselves because we've accepted it this entire time that.

We show up and play the role that they expect from us and then we resent the fact that they accept us performing for them, it's because we're not being honest with ourselves that we're paying a price to maintain this peace and harmony.

And it's an emotional price and it's an energy price and it can color how you feel about them in the relationship.

Because love cannot flourish where resentment grows, right?

Resentment will smother love completely.

So I was discussing this topic with my producer.

He's the one that sent me the video that sparked this entire internal debate over people pleasing and manipulation.

We were discussing it because it's, it's a spicy subject.

Like I said, you know, manipulation in and of itself can be controversial.

And being a lifelong people pleaser, I felt very, very called out.

So.

Reg came back to me with this quote from his friend Nicole, right?

And the quote is, I stopped being a people pleaser when I realized that I was mad at the clowns for being clowns, but I'm the one who kept going to the circus.

Okay then.

And that was a wake up moment that pivoted Nicole from a people pleasing path to a self determined future.

Okay.

And completely changed the way she looked at people pleasing.

And boy howdy, this one has given me quite a bit to mull over because when you really think about it, you buy the ticket, you walk in and take your seat.

The clowns are clowning because that's what they do.

And you have the audacity to be upset with them.

When you're the one who drove there, parked, walked up to the gate, bought the ticket, walked in and took your seat.

Okay, okay.

That quote hits because it brings responsibility back to self.

And you guys, you know by at this point how I feel about self awareness and holding myself accountable for.

For my own bs.

Yeah, this brings it right back.

And this isn't about shame, okay?

This is about clarity.

This is about understanding yourself.

When you understand yourself better, you can make choices that align with who you want to be and how you want to impact the world around you.

People pleasing versus identity.

Let's get into it.

Okay?

People pleasing is not who you are.

It is what you do to maintain your environment.

It is something that you learned, which means it's something that you can unlearn.

Right?

It is not inherent to who you are.

It is a pattern of behaviors that you choose.

It's a performance designed to manage outcomes and emotions to manipulate people.

Pleasing is performance, but performance is not identity.

It's manipulation.

And healing can only start when we stop confusing those two.

Listen, it's okay to perform occasionally on a stage with a script and lights and sounds and a cast all on the same program.

Performance can be immaculate.

Performance can be healing.

Performance can be incredible.

Performance can be profound.

But if performance is a way of life, then you're not being authentic because performance.

Performance isn't real.

Performance is storytelling.

Right?

We have to know when the performance needs to stop and the real person needs to step forward.

And in your home and in your relationships, you should not be performing on a daily basis.

You should be able to be authentic and to be real and to be you and to have your needs just as equally met in the relationship.

We need to make sure that we clearly understand the difference between growth and people pleasing.

Growth may feel uncomfortable, but it should feel aligned with your goals, with your ambitions, with your desires.

People pleasing may feel rewarding in the moment, but it also feels restrictive.

It's limiting your growth and it's preventing you from being what you want to be.

Growth brings you closer to yourself, and people pleasing moves you further away from yourself.

So some questions that we can use to help us reflect.

Okay, Am I changing because I want to or because I'm afraid not to?

Who benefits most from this version of me?

If it is anyone other than me, I need to really look at that.

If no one was disappointed, would this still feel like growth?

You are allowed to grow without disappearing.

Your growth should enhance the best parts of you, and it shouldn't grow resentment within you.

If you're feeling resentment, you really need to look at how you're growing, how, how you're changing.

And are those changes the ones that you want?

Are you changing for your better?

Are you changing for the worse?

You are allowed to be kind without performing, and it is kind to say no when it doesn't align for you.

And sometimes the bravest thing that we can do is to stop manipulating everyone else's comfort and finally choose honesty for ourselves, for our relationships.

Thanks for joining me for today's conversation.

Right, thanks for swinging in today to listen.

Let's continue our discussion on social media.

You can find me at Angela's Living Room on all platforms.

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Have a wonderful day.