In this first chat, I wanted to share a bit about myself and why I started this community called Holy Desires.

I'll tell you how it all began, what this space is about (and what it's not), and I'll leave you with a perspective on marriage that changed how I show up as a husband. Here's a hint: your marriage isn't actually about you. It's about being a witness of God's love. When your kids and the people around you see how you love your wife, what are they learning about God? Grab a coffee and let's talk about it.

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Welcome to the show.

This is episode one.

I'm Nathan.

My amazing wife and I created our Cana Feast ministry about five years ago to serve Catholic married couples and help them embrace the joy and abundance that God wishes them to experience in their marriages.

As we worked with married couples throughout the years, we noticed that there is one aspect of marriage that really requires a lot of attention, a lot of healing, a lot of education, a lot of help.

But it is an area of marriage that very few people are helping couples to address, especially in a faithfully Catholic way.

This area of marriage is sexuality.

Sarah started her My Delight course to help women experience a more joyful and delightful experience of physical union with their husbands in their Catholic sacramental marriages.

She's been doing that for several years.

This year I was able to step away from my high tech job at Amazon last December and I was able to now work full time on Arcana Feast ministry.

And so I now had the time to follow suit and offer a course for Catholic men called Holy Desires.

Also aimed to helping for helping men help their wives experience joy and help themselves experience joy.

This last December, I was able to step away from my high tech job at Amazon and and dedicate myself full time to our Cana Feast ministry so that I could help Catholic couples full time embrace the plan and desire that God has in their lives, in their marriages.

And with this new full time focus, I now have the time also to offer a course for Catholic husbands called Holy Desires which helps Catholic men, Catholic husbands, become amazing lovers to their wives, both in the bedroom and outside the bedroom.

I've been, I've helped a lot of men through that course over this year.

I've run the course twice now, but I wanted to have broader conversations with Catholic men.

I wanted to talk more about spirituality, which is really our foundation for everything, right?

If our relationship with our God and Creator is not solid, if that's not on a firm footing, then you know our marriages are going to be affected, our parenting is going to be affected, everything will be affected.

So I really wanted to talk, have a space to talk about spirituality.

I wanted a space to talk more about marriage more generally, specifically to men.

That was not just within our existing programs for Catholic marriages.

I wanted to talk about fatherhood.

Of course our existing programs talk about parenthood and fatherhood to some extent, but this is an area that is really dear to me.

I personally have five children.

My oldest is currently 21.

Actually she'll be 22 and just a another week and then my youngest is four and I Have four girls, and then my youngest is a boy.

So all through the gamut, right from parenting babies and toddlers all the way up through young adults, this has been a real area of my own life as a husband and as a father that I have really had to grow a lot in.

And I want to have a space to talk about fatherhood and what that means as a Catholic man, as a Catholic husband.

And yes, I also will address issues of sexuality and physical intimacy here on this podcast as well.

As you may have guessed, this podcast is that place to have those conversations about masculine spirituality, marriage as a Catholic man, fatherhood and sexuality.

Husbands love your wives.

This podcast named Husbands Love youe Wives.

So that name, it came to me during adoration a few weeks ago.

You know, I've been doing some research about podcasting, and they, in air quotes, you know, all the influencers and coaches and, you know, people who tell you how to do these things, they say to do your market research on podcast names.

This podcast is really a personal passion project.

I am doing this because I want to share some really valuable insights that have impacted my own life.

And I want to do it in a way and in a format that allows me to express these in more.

With more attention, more nuance, more explanation than I typically get a chance to in an email or goodness, a social post or whatever.

So this podcast, I'm not going to do those market research things.

I'm just going to go with the name that I was given in inspiration by the Holy Spirit.

So that's what.

What we're doing here, we're just going with the Spirit.

Of course.

This name, husbands love your wives, it comes from scripture.

It's from St. Paul's letter to the Ephesians, chapter five.

And the full line is husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church.

That's what this podcast is about.

How, as Catholic men, can we love like Jesus loves?

That's what we're called to do.

If I had to sum up marriage in one pithy line, that would be it.

Actually, St. Paul already did it for me, so I'm just stealing his work.

Love your wives as Christ loves the church.

Make your heart like Christ's heart.

Love like Christ loves.

And if we can do that, if we can just approach that, then that's what we're called to.

Everything else will flow from that naturally.

So I'm figuring this podcast out as I go along.

Yes, I am, you know, learning from others who have done podcasting and have gone before me.

But I'm also gonna experiment and try some things out and learn as I go.

I invite you along for the journey.

Some of these episodes might be super tactical and practical.

Others might be a lot more theoretical.

I have some people that I would love to interview, and I fully intend to bring other voices, not just my own, but other perspectives and other voices and other expertise along all four of these main areas, spirituality, marriage, fatherhood, and sexuality into this podcast so that you hear from a variety of perspectives and we can all be enriched by that.

So the first thing that I really wanted to share with you in this first episode is something that's really important about marriage in general, about the sacrament of marriage.

So my wife Sarah and I, we have done marriage prep for years and years and years currently at our parish.

We host what we call Theology Night.

And every couple who is engaged to be married at our parish, they will eventually come through our home.

We feed them dinner and then we have a discussion after dinner all about the theology of marriage and the vocation of marriage.

And it is theology night.

It is where we really check and make sure that they understand, they know the difference between the sacrament of marriage and getting married at the justice of the Peace downtown.

What is that difference?

And why is marrying in the church sacramentally?

What does that do?

Like, this is the sacramental preparation.

There's a lot to prepare for a wedding.

Of course, there's even more to prepare for a marriage, a whole lifetime, a lifelong union.

And there's also some things to prepare for the sacrament because when we get married in the church, it is the reception of a sacrament.

So we talk about that during Theology Night.

I certainly don't have the time to, you know, re repeat all of what we talk about in that discussion.

You'll hear more and more of it throughout these episodes, I am sure.

One of the things that I want to share is that your marriage, the way God has instituted the sacrament of marriage, all sacraments really, is that your marriage is, yes, it is for you and your wife, but it is not just about you.

Your marriage has implications that ripple outward from you, and that's how it's supposed to be.

There is a vocation crisis in our church right now.

Yes, we don't have enough priests, but I would argue, and I'm not the first one to argue, that there is a, another vocation crisis, a crisis of marriage.

There's a crisis of marriage.

People are getting married, are getting married less, they're getting married later.

The timeline of marriage, you know, whether it's early or late.

Maybe that's not quite as important.

But the fact that there are so, so many fewer marriages in our church right now, that should concern all of us.

Because where are the next generation going to come from?

They're going to come from beautiful domestic churches, homes, families that are founded on marriage.

Why?

Why is there a crisis of marriage right now?

I'm not going to give you a full sociological explanation.

I'm going to instead talk about this dynamic of the sacrament, which is so important that many people don't realize your marriage is not just about you.

You are called to be a witness of God's love.

Let me say it again.

Your marriage is intended to be by God.

He has designed it to be that.

When other people look at you and your wife, they should see the love that you have for each other in such a real and passionate and joyful way.

They should see the connection that you have with your wife.

And they should in some way instinctively think, wow, that love is so real.

God must be real, right?

The love that this couple shares with each other is a reflection of God's own love for his church and ultimately for me, for you, for everyone.

That's what your marriage is intended to be in the world.

It's intended to be a bright shining sign of God's love.

Let me put this in maybe more specific, concrete things.

Examples.

Here's a story that my wife Sarah often tells.

She has a relative.

I'll keep it anonymous.

She has a young relative, younger than her, who at one point in her life, not so very long ago, a number of years ago, told Sarah in confidence and, and you know, as an aside that she said, sarah, you know what?

Aside from you and Nathan and her grandparents, she doesn't have any examples of happy married life.

Of all the people that she knows in her life, her sister Sarah and I, and her grandparents were the only two examples that she could think of of happy marriages.

While I'm flattered that I am that my marriage to Sarah was among the examples that were good examples in her life, my heart is broken that she has only two.

Anyone growing up in the Catholic Church should have countless examples of married couples who are joyfully in love, who look like they love each other, who look like they like each other, who are excited to be with each other.

Ask yourself this question.

If a young high school youth group student happened to see you and your wife after church, say, maybe at coffee and donuts fellowships, maybe during church, you know, shuffling up to the communion to receive communion or coming into church before mass starts, whatever it is if they saw you, would they look at you and say, wow, that looks like a happy marriage?

Are they saying to themselves that life looks good, I want that, I want what they have.

Are you providing that example for them of something that is good?

That's true, that's beautiful.

Something that they want to aspire to, that they want to build their life around or build towards with.

With an aspiration of achieving something along the lines of what you are reflecting in the world, in your marriage, in your love for your wife and her love for you.

That's the call.

That's the call.

That's one of the reasons that marriage is a sacrament.

All sacraments are intended for the building up of the entire community.

Yes, they are primarily for the individuals who receive the sacrament, but they are also oriented outwardly.

So even say the Eucharist, of course, that's, you know, a primary purpose of that is for my own relationship with our Lord Jesus, right?

When I received the Eucharist.

Why?

So that I can then love God and love my neighbors as myself.

The two great commandments that Jesus gave us, right?

The Eucharist is to strengthen our own relationship with God and help us be a better neighbor, a better husband, a better father, a better co worker, you name it, to all of the people in our lives.

Same with confession, like the most private of sacraments, right?

Obviously, I go to confession to.

To make my relationship with God clean again, to get my sins forgiven, right?

And that is a tremendous blessing to me.

But I also, when coming out of the confessional, now my soul is clean, my sins are forgiven so that I can be a better husband, I can start afresh in my relationship with my wife so that I can be a better father, so that I can not sin again.

Guess what?

Probably a lot of those sins, they affect other people in my lives.

When I come out of the confession, I express contrition for those sins and a firm resolve not to sin again, which makes me a better person for those around me.

So my reception of the Sacrament of Confession should benefit everyone around me.

We can go through all the sacraments and do something similar.

Marriage is the same.

Of course, the main purposes of marriage are what?

To have children and welcome children into the world and into our family.

Procreation.

And also for sanctification to help me get to heaven and to help my wife get to heaven.

Most specifically, my job in marriage is to help my wife get to heaven and hers is to help me get to heaven.

So that's sanctification.

Of course, it's the Raising of those children as well.

But as I am sanctified within my marriage, as I become a more holy individual, what should that do?

That should make me a better neighbor, a better co worker, a better member of my parish.

It should benefit the entire community all around me and in marriage specifically, as St. Paul tells us in the letter to the Ephesians, chapter five, we are not in some abstract way, just supposed to help those around us through our increased holiness, but.

But we are intended as a married couple, as husband and wife, to be that example of God's love for his church.

We are intended.

Let me say it this way.

When a young person looks at your marriage, you and your wife together, that person actually has the right to see God's love.

Are you withholding their right to see God's love reflected between you and your wife?

So let's make this a little bit practical.

One of the things that Sarah and I always teach is because of this, because of this dynamic, it is really, really important that you do not hold grudges, forgive each other quickly and fully.

This is a skill that can be learned.

And this is something that Sarah and I actually have worked for many years on.

And by this time, we've been married over 25 years now.

By this time, it's something that we're actually pretty proud of in our marriage.

We don't hold on to grudges.

We do ask for forgiveness quickly.

Just this morning, I was pretty grumpy at Sarah because she was running a little late, and she thought that she would leave at a certain time.

And she didn't leave until, you know, a little bit after that certain time.

And I. I said, you know, a few.

A few comments that brought.

That made it aware that I was less than pleased about this situation.

I didn't need to do that.

And so a few hours later, after she came back, I said, you know, I'm really sorry that I was grumpy about this morning.

Will you forgive me?

And she said, of course.

And we kissed and we made up, and now it's water under the bridge.

That same little thing in years past probably would have festered for days or weeks, and then other little things would have been added to it.

And each one of those little things just starts adding up.

And pretty soon we can find ourselves in a situation where we're.

We're like, pretty estranged from each other almost, you know, not in a technical way, but like, we're really.

What is the word I'm looking for?

We're really upset at each other.

We're not generous and joyful.

That image of God's love has significantly been dimmed.

So we need to protect that.

We need to forgive each other lavishly and quickly.

We need to ask for forgiveness.

Because men, we are not perfect.

We are not perfect.

There are a lot of areas in our lives, each one of us, and I guarantee each one of us has specific patterns of behavior, of reactions, of things that we do that are trying to our family, that are trying to our wives, that cause them to have to exercise a lot of patience or sacrifice.

We have a lot that we need to apologize for on a regular basis.

So let's get good at it.

Let's apologize for those things.

Let's ask for forgiveness.

And by the same token, our wives aren't perfect.

They have plenty.

You know, it's, it's.

It's reciprocal.

When they.

When our wives ask for our forgiveness, we should grant it lavishly.

We should grant it fully and completely.

Make up with a kiss, put it behind you.

It no longer matters.

Just like.

So your marriage is.

Yes, it is for you.

It is your pathway to heaven.

It is the way in which God will bless you with children and you will have a beautiful domestic church, God willing.

But it is for more than just you.

It is, of course, for your children, but it is also for everyone in your life.

Everyone in your life should be blessed because of your amazing marriage with your wife.