Can you be a healthy people pleaser? Yes. The unhealthy version agrees to the tea it does not want, because disagreeing feels worse than eating it.

The unhealthy version changes who it is depending on the room, puts everybody first, and avoids the conflict rather than the meal. The healthy version can hold a difference of view without it turning into a fight. For me this comes down to care. Being paralysed just below the neck, I will not let anybody dictate what I can and cannot do.

One thing to try: Next time somebody asks what you want, say the one you actually want. Even if it is only tea.

In this episode

• (0:03) Can there be a healthy version of this at all?
• (1:56) The series that raised the question, and a new colour
• (4:33) The nightly bowl of dry roasted peanuts. One of my sins
• (6:12) What being a people pleaser actually means
• (7:54) Changing who you are depending on the room
• (9:00) Always putting their choice, their thoughts, their opinion first
• (10:44) Eating the tea you did not want, to avoid saying so
• (13:30) Where I draw the line, and why it comes down to care

The companion talk episode: 2 Words You Should Stop Using AND What to Use Instead

Support the podcast and join the Weekly Calm: stevenwebb.uk

Thank you for listening.

Steven

Links to Steven Webb's podcast and how you can support his work.

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Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, wherever you are. I'm Steven Webb and this is Stillness in the Storms podcast.

And this week I'm talking about, can you be a healthy version of a people pleaser?

It's an interesting one actually because we often see a people pleaser as somebody that is not good, not healthy.

But I'm just wondering whether or not, because I'm a people pleaser. I tend to keep my mouth quiet and

I don't tend to say what I really want to say.

And I'll say yes and agree, even if I don't really want to do it. And I can always remember

my daughter saying to me quite often, like, you're just you're a pushover you let You let people do all

these things and, you know, you should stand up for yourself a little bit more. And to be quite honest,

she's right. She's right to some degree.

But not entirely and And I'm okay with some people, like... What it perceives to be to be walking all

over me, but you know, I don't mind if I allow it.

It's an interesting question. Is there such a thing as a healthy people pleaser? That's the question on today's podcast.

So just before we get on with that, what's new? Well, I've been listening to a new podcast by Stephen

Fry on Audible. I think it's only on Audible, but Inside Your Mind. And wow, it's just amazing. It's like...

It really is the analytical way of seeing inside your mind. How does it work? How did it evolve? But

also a part of psychology side of it. And it's just really, it's only 12 episodes. He may do another

season of it, but it's just brilliant. And in one episode, he asked the question. I don't think he asked

the question originally, but he quoted somebody else asking the question. And when I ask you this question, I I

want I want you to just give it a couple of seconds to let the question sink in to see

if you can reply to the question and see and see how your mind, observe what your mind does when

I ask you this question. And here goes. Are you ready?

Think of a brand new colour and then think of how you would explain that colour.

Did you notice the way your brain just goes, I can't do that. I have no idea what to do

with that. Your mind just totally goes blank.

So you can try it again now. Think of a brand new colour and then try to explain it. Well,

of course, your mind cannot do it. It's like just impossible not like thinking up of a new word because

you can kind of do that. But your mind doesn't know how to think of a new colour. So, yeah,

that isn't what the podcast is about, but he mentions it halfway through. He talks about cave paintings that are

like 40 000 years ago where may have been the neanderthals that done it and not us. Just wow. It

really is a great podcast. I highly recommend it. It's called Inside Your Mind by Stephen Fry and it's only

on Audible. It's not sponsored by them or anything like that. You know, I'm not that lucky. What else is

new? I've been invited to the garden party at Buckingham Palace. Me and the mayoress my daughter, are going on

the 11th of May to Buckingham Palace. How awesome is that I'm going to be spending a few days in

London, going up there on the Monday, taking a friend, and we're going to be hanging around London until Thursday.

And then we got the Mayor's Golf Day, and then the Mayor's Day on Lemon key And it's going to

be a really busy, crazy, brilliant, busy week. How excited is that? I remember my parents going years and years

ago um Mom and Andy went years and years ago with Matthew Taylor, the Mp. And yeah, and I'm going

now all these years later. So what else is new? I managed to get myself some dry roasted Kp peanuts

today. I don't know what's wrong with the shelves nowadays, but they seem to be empty. You cannot get original

Kp dry roasted peanuts anywhere. And my blood sugar levels are really down they're going really, really well. And I

tend to have a little bowl of dry roasted peanuts every night. I know it's not the best thing for

me, but I enjoy it it's one it's one It's one of my sins. But let's get on with today's

podcast. And we're asking the question, is there a healthy version of being a people pleaser? Is it okay

to be a people pleaser? Now then, a little bit of background. I am a people pleaser. I really am.

And at many times in my life, it has been in the detriment of what I've wanted. I've chose what

other people want. Right down to, I can meet with someone and they say like, what we're going to have

for my evening meal or our evening meal? And I'll look up and go, well, you know, I don't mind.

I'll have anything you want. And they'll go right well I'll have this. And it might be something that I

don't want, but I'll say yes and I'll have it. Just to not upset the apple cart. And that's what

it is about being a people pleaser, isn't it? You don't ever want to upset the apple cart. You don't

want to be disliked. You don't want anybody to say anything bad about you. You're devastated if someone doesn't like

you. Well, I suffer from all of those things. You know, it doesn't make any sense in what I do

I'm I Part of me is a politician, although we're all politicians in some way, but part of me is

a politician. I'm the local mayor at the moment and I'm the councillor for the mareskin tree heaven Ward And,

you know, people say things sometimes that I am uncomfortable with and I'm learning to deal with that.

So, you know, is it possible to be a healthy people pleaser? Well.

Let's look at what it means to be a people pleaser anyway. Let's look at the unhealthy version and then

look at the healthy version because I did a podcast on healthy and unhealthy and what words not to say

not what words to drop out your vocabulary. And one of those words is good and bad. You

know, things are not good or bad. Things are, we interpret them to be good or bad. In the scheme

of the universe, you know, that earthquake in the universe's eyes is not good nor bad. But if you're a

human that's got a house on the side of that um mountain where the earthquake is going to happen or

landfall or whatever is going to happen, then it's a bad thing. So I say let's change good or bad

to healthy or unhealthy. You know, there's healthy way of eating, unhealthy. There's food that's

healthy or unhealthy. There's anger that can be healthy or unhealthy. So instead of having good anger and bad and

then labeling it and trying to get rid of certain things, that's where I'm coming from. That's really, and I'll

put a link to that podcast down below. So what does it mean to be an unhealthy people please Well

I put a little list here and I'm going to go through the list. You know, you avoid conflict. That's

one of our people pleases. That's a really big thing. Avoid it at all costs. Even if you get conflict

sorted out, the other side of it could be really good. But you avoid it. You don't want to deal

with it. You know, they change who they are based on the situation. You know, we'll literally sit down and

yeah, I'm into that. I'm into this when really we're not. People pleasers don't really have boundaries. They don't set

them because if they set boundaries, they won't be able to step out of them. They won't be able to

go over them because they have to do that to please people. They very often cannot say no. You

may not be all of these things, but you may be a few of these things. I think everybody to

some degree is a people pleaser. You know, whether it's in work or at home or to your children or

whatever. We all can be or we might be at a certain time. But we lose sight of who

we are um We lack self-care. You know, that's a very much unhealthy version of a people pleaser.

Lack self-care. Don't look after ourselves. We'd rather look after somebody else than look after ourselves. You

know, ain't that true? And we are always putting others first. You know, their choice um their thoughts, their

opinion. We'll always go, yeah, I see your point. And we don't very often put our side. Okay, I don't

recognise that part of me and the people pleaser. But certainly some of the rest. The problem is we then

build up resentment. We really resent other people because they're pushing us around. But even worse, we resent

ourselves because we know we shouldn't be doing that. We know we've been pushed around. We know

that we should have made better choices. We should have put our boundaries in place. So we have a more

resentment for ourselves than anybody else.

And that they lack self-joy.

Albeit they think they're happier because they're allowing people to do whatever and push all over them and walk all

over them and things like that. But really, they do lack self-joy um and very much disconnect from everything.

They think they're connected. They're part of it. They're really part of the gang and whatever's going on, but they're

not. They're more disconnected than we realise and Because they cannot be honest and they cannot say what they really

want and they don't have boundaries, they tend to lack honesty. So if someone asks them how they're doing, you

know, how are you? Yeah, I'm fine. How are you really? Yeah, yeah, I'm really fine. So that they lack

honesty, but it's not because they're dishonest. If that makes any sense whatsoever that they're not lying

intentionally, but that they're not telling the truth of what they really want. So if someone says, so what do

you want for tea? It's like, yeah, I'm happy with either one of those options when really they're not entirely

happy with both options, but they would rather eat the option that they're not all that keen on just to

keep think keep the peace. They tend to agree a lot. You know, they'll agree with people yeah Yeah yeah,

I think you're right. I think you're okay. Yeah, definitely.

So, you know, that's the unhealthy version of people pleasers. And I recognise a lot of that in me.

I recognise a lot of that in me even now still. But

instead of trying to get rid of the people pleaser, because what's the opposite to a people pleaser? Someone that

doesn't care? I don't really know. I should have thought about this before the podcast, but what is the opposite

to a people pleaser um someone that Someone narcissistic? Someone that puts themselves forward all the time? Someone that

never considers the feelings of others but I don't want to be that. I don't want to be someone like

that. So being the opposite to a people pleaser isn't the option either. So it's a matter of finding a

healthy balance between the two. And this is where I can ask the question. And if you ask yourself as

well, what is a healthy version of a people pleaser? So when you're looking at when I'm looking at this

list, like avoid conflict, a healthier version is they're okay with conflict. When it's narcissistic

or dangerous or, you know, too far and any kind of conflict that may risk injury or something like that.

You know, I'm not saying be okay with that, but I'm saying be okay with an exchange of views. You

can have a little conflict in a conversation. You can have a conflict of views. That's okay. It doesn't mean

either you are necessarily 100 right or it doesn't mean either you're 100 wrong. And instead of like changing who

you are in this situation, things like that, accept yourself as okay. It's okay to feel different to them. It's

okay to fit in one day and not fit in another day because we have a change of heart. We

have a change of opinion, things like that. You know, nothing's ever linear in straight in a straight line. It's

always got winds and turns. And

I said about people please have no boundaries or very little. You know, have some boundaries. You know, think what

your boundaries are um What won't you compromise on? I don't have a lot of boundaries and I find it

hard to set them. But there's a few things I won't compromise on I won't I'll try not to compromise

on my integrity and I won't compromise on my... Freedom and my ability to make my own choices.

And that comes down to the care because I'm paralysed just below the neck. I won't allow people to to

dictate to me what I can and cannot do when it comes to just everyday things in my life. Whereas

most people would never consider that the kind of thing that I have to have someone do for me. And

I won't compromise on how that's done, how I'm showered, things like that. Also, I won't compromise on being open-hearted

and caring. No one's going to come in and tell me not to care. No one's going going to make

me that narcissist. I won't compromise on that. That is who I am. And no one's going to make me

a non-people pleaser. I'm happy to be one. I'm

just learning to be a healthy one, that's all. So yeah, have some boundaries. Have some setting stone things that

you're you're not willing to compromise on. That's a good exercise. You can even write that down the piece of

paper. What three things will I not compromise on no matter what?

Another thing I mentioned about you cannot say no and you're losing sight of who you are and all that

because you won't say no to people. You'll end up doing things that other people want. Just practice saying no,

especially first of all to the people close to you and your family and things like that. And you can

even tell them, you know, I'm practicing saying no. Can you allow me to say no to this suggestion, please?

Explain to people. Nobody minds very often when you explain to them that

it's a matter of, you know, I'm trying this a little bit. If someone says, how are you doing? Instead

of saying fine, you say, well, I'm practicing being honest. So I'm going to try to, something

that I've been trying recently and that's to be more honest. And I've done a live on my Facebook the

other day. And it come from Martha Beck, The Way of Integrity in the book. She has a year of

being honest And I thought, well, I'm pretty honest. But when she explains about like, when someone says, how are

you doing? I'm not that honest because I often say, yeah, I'm fine. And if they push me, I go,

yeah, I'm really good. I upgrade fine to really good just to get them off my back. Whereas really it's

like, how are you doing? Deep breath. Well, I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm feeling right now I'm quite excited because

I'm actually doing a podcast I haven't done for a while. My health is pretty good at the moment so

I'm kind of really upbeat.

I'm also feeling quite overwhelmed because we got a week ahead of us in the council and things like that.

I have so many meetings this week. So the honest answer is, yeah, I'm feeling the pinch a little at

the moment. So instead of being a people pleaser and just saying yes, you can you can actually be honest

and say how you're feeling, which is another thing people pleasers don't say very often, or they'll mirror the other

person's feelings. And

I met them I also mentioned about losing sight of who you are. You'll end up trying to fit into

the gang, fit in with a, especially at school, you remember trying to fit in with a either your geeky

side or the really in crowd? Or perhaps I'm just projecting my schooling at the moment. I wasn't really in

with either. I don't I didn't know what I fitted in with. But I I changed depending on who I

hung around with that day.

And so I was more proud of the gang and who they were. And I say gang lightly. What I

mean is, you know, the group than I was myself. And I wasn't looking for the group that was similar

to me. I was trying to change myself into the group. So be proud of who you are, you know.

Stick your head up above the pulpit and say, no, this is who I am, you know. If you're a

people pleaser, say, yeah, I am, but I'm a healthy one. So, instead of putting others first be yourself first

sometimes. And again, really, I'm not going to go through the whole list. You get the point because every

people pleaser is not the same. You're not the same as me. You won't do it the same way as

I do. And you may not even be a people pleaser and you may be just listening to this episode

because you know a people pleaser. And I suppose the point I'm making is look at what a

healthy version of You looks like. What does a healthy version of what you do look like? And

instead of trying to change who you are, instead of trying to rewrite who you are based on the last

self-help book you read or the last Youtube video or the last time a guru came in and give you

some advice, just like I'm doing on this podcast, cast it all aside and just just ask yourself, what would

a healthy version of this look like? So you can be angry. What's the healthy version of angry look like?

You can be anything you want, but what's the healthy version look like? It's not about getting rid of it.

It's not about changing. It's not about getting rid of your people-pleasing tendency, that voice inside of you that wants

to make others happy. I love that voice. I love the voice inside of me that does put others first

sometimes, that does care about others, that has the compassion. And I think that's the wonderful

qualities of a people pleaser. Perhaps we should change it into a different phrase and call it something different. But

I think we should be proud of it. And I think we should embrace it. And I think we just

got to look at it in a healthy way. I'm Steven Webb, and this is Stillness in the Storms. And

if you could leave a review, that'd be absolutely amazing um If you could share this podcast, it'd be absolutely

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I'm currently listening to Inside Your Mind by Stephen Fry Amazing series on Audible. And it's not sponsored by Audible,

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care. Have a wonderful week. Head over to StevenWebb.uk. Love you guys. You're awesome.

And embrace your people-pleasing skills. Do it in a healthy way. Take care. Bye.