For more information on how to control your anger, visit angersecrets.com.

Some relationships crumble not because of one big fight—but because of small, damaging habits repeated over time.

In this episode of The Anger Management Podcast, anger expert Alastair Duhs explores the Four Horsemen of relationship breakdown—criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling—and more importantly, how to replace them with healthier, more constructive behaviors.

If you're ready to protect and strengthen your connection, this episode is your roadmap.

Key Takeaways:

Criticism chips away at connection: Focus on expressing your needs with “I” statements instead of blaming or attacking your partner’s character.

Contempt is the most toxic dynamic: Sarcasm, eye-rolling and superiority destroy respect. The antidote is appreciation—notice and name what your partner does well.

Defensiveness blocks growth: Instead of explaining or blaming back, try taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem.

Stonewalling shuts down the relationship: If you're overwhelmed, pause to self-soothe—but always come back to the conversation.

Every pattern can be changed: With awareness, practice and the right tools, you can shift from conflict to connection—and build a relationship that lasts.

Links referenced in this episode:

angersecrets.com — Learn more about anger management

angersecrets.com/training — Watch the free training: Control Your Anger in 7 Days

angersecrets.com/course — Enrol in The Complete Anger Management System

Why do some relationships thrive while others quietly fall apart, even when both people still care?

Often, it's not big blow ups in a relationship that do the most damage.

It's a pattern of unhealthy relationship behaviors that often go unnoticed.

Maybe it's small acts of criticism that slowly chip away at your partner's self worth.

Maybe it's subtle contempt, sarcasm, eye rolling, or that quiet sense of superiority.

Maybe it's defensiveness, a knee jerk reaction that shuts down real connection.

Or maybe it's stonewalling, a silent withdrawal when everything feels too overwhelming.

These four behaviours, also known as the Four Horsemen, aren't just warning signs.

They're proven predictors of relationship breakdown.

But here's the good news.

They can be changed.

In today's episode, we'll break down each of these four behaviors, how they show up, how they damage your relationship, and most importantly, what you can do instead.

Hello and welcome to episode 45 of the Anger Management Podcast.

I'm your host, Alistair Dues, and over the last 30 years, I've taught over 15,000 men and women to control their anger, master their emotions, and create calmer, happier and more loving relationships.

In this podcast, I combine my 30 years of anger management experience with the power of artificial intelligence to share with you some of the most powerful tips and tools I know to help people control their anger, master their emotions, and live calmer, happier and more peaceful lives.

Today, I've enlisted the help of my AI assistants, Jake and Sarah, to discuss the four Relationship Horsemen and more importantly, how to change these unhealthy behaviors into actions that will help you connect more strongly and more powerfully with your partner.

No matter your current situation.

Make sure you stick around to the end of the episode where I'll summarize Jake and Sarah's conversation and let you know how to take the next step to control your anger once and for all.

With that said, let's get started into today's deep dive.

Okay, so have you ever found yourself kind of caught in these frustrating patterns, you know, with people you love?

Oh, yeah.

Feeling sort of disconnected even when you're really trying?

Definitely.

Or maybe you've seen relationships.

Some just seem to work.

They thrive.

Right.

While others, well, they seem to have good intentions, but they just crumble, slowly.

Fall apart?

Yeah, Slowly, quietly.

It's a powerful thing to think about.

And it hits home, right?

Yeah.

Because we all want those healthy, loving connections.

We absolutely do.

But figuring out how to build them and maybe more importantly, keep them strong, it often feels, well, complex.

Maybe even a Bit murky.

Exactly.

So for today's deep dive, we're going to pull back the curtain a bit.

We're looking at some common relationship behaviors that, let's be honest, can actually pave the road towards divorce.

But here's the thing.

Our mission today isn't just about pointing out the problems.

Right.

We really want to equip you with some actionable insights.

The antidotes, if you will, ways to create calmer, happier, maybe more loving relationships.

But it's probably good to set the stage first, just give some context.

I mean, if you look at the statistics, the divorce rate in many Western countries, It's hovering around 40, maybe even 50%.

Wow.

That's staggering.

Really.

It is.

And it really makes you ask, you know, why?

Why do so many committed relationships hit these major struggles and sometimes ultimately fail?

It's the big question.

Yeah.

And it's one that Dr. John Gottman, who's done some really groundbreaking relationship research, he spent decades trying to answer that.

His work is fascinating.

Totally.

He identified these.

He famously called them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

Yes.

Four key behaviors that are shockingly predictive of a marriage ending.

It's quite stark when you see it lead out.

And here's what's crucial.

I think just being able to identify these patterns in your own life, in your interactions, that's the absolute first step towards changing them, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Awareness is.

It's everything.

It's paramount.

So the first of these horsemen is criticism.

Okay, now, we need to be clear here.

This isn't just, you know, voicing a complaint.

A complaint usually focuses on a specific action or event.

Right.

Like the trash didn't get taken out.

Exactly.

Criticism, the way Gottman talks about it, is different.

It's more like a direct assault on your partner's personality or.

Or their character.

It gets personal.

That difference feels huge.

It's like the difference between saying, hey, I'm feeling frustrated because the dishes weren't put away, and I was kind of counting on that.

Versus saying something like, you are just so irresponsible.

You never get anything done on time.

You could feel the sting in that second one.

Oh.

Immediately you feel attacked.

And while criticism might be really common, maybe even feels normal sometimes.

Yeah.

Unfortunately, its impact is pretty devastating.

It just part poisons the whole atmosphere, Creates resentment, negativity.

Makes it hard to have any positive interaction after that.

Exactly.

It's like trying to build a sandcastle during a hurricane.

The foundation just keeps getting washed away.

That's a great analogy.

So what's the Fix?

Yeah, the antidote.

Well, the powerful antidote here is about expressing your feelings directly, using those I statements we hear about, but doing it in a way that's non confrontational, Focusing on the behavior, not the person.

So instead of that personal attack, you're irresponsible.

You could say something like, I'm feeling frustrated because I need you to be more reliable when we have deadlines.

See, that puts the focus on my experience, my need, and the specific situation, which hopefully allows the other person to respond constructively instead of just getting defensive.

Exactly.

It's about the action not attacking their core being.

Maybe think for a second.

Have you been on the receiving end of criticism?

How did that actually feel?

Yeah, it's worth reflecting on.

Okay, okay, so if criticism is like throwing verbal stones, what's the next one?

Contempt.

Yeah, this one sounds worse.

It often is.

Contempt feels more like actively trying to belittle or insult the other person.

It's often laced with sarcasm, maybe cynicism or a really condescending tone.

Eye rolling fits in here too.

Ugh, that just.

Yeah, it sends it chill.

The examples are so sharp, aren't they?

Like, you are such an idiot for not getting that.

Or maybe.

Wow, I can't believe you're that clueless.

Exactly.

There's a sneer behind it almost.

So what makes contempt so uniquely destructive?

Why is it considered like the worst one by some researchers?

Well, the real poison in contempt is that it communicates this profound sense of superiority, disgust even.

Wow.

It's deeply disrespectful.

And over time, that leads to really intense resentment and this deep, agonizing feeling of disconnection.

It's like a slow acid just eating away at the respect and admiration that a relationship needs.

That's heavy.

So what on earth can counter something that corrosive?

It feels almost impossible.

It takes conscious effort.

It's an active practice, like you said.

Okay.

The antidote is actively cultivating an atmosphere of, well, appreciation.

Genuine appreciation.

So not fake praise, but real.

No, absolutely not fake.

It means really paying attention, looking for and then acknowledging the positive things your partner does.

Even the small stuff every day.

Like saying thank you.

More saying thank you.

Expressing sincere gratitude, offering genuine compliments for things they do well or for their good qualities.

When you actively build up this, like a bank account of goodwill and appreciation, it creates this sort of emotional buffer, a shield.

That contempt finds it much harder to break through.

It helps reestablish that fundamental respect.

That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, it's about actively building the positive.

Okay, what's number three, the third horseman.

That would be defensiveness.

And this one is oh so common we probably won't do it.

Yeah, I can feel myself nodding already.

It's that reaction when you feel criticized or blamed.

Right.

And you immediately jump to deny responsibility or make excuses, or maybe worst of all, turn the blame right back around.

Exactly.

You see it constantly.

Like partner one says, hey, you didn't clean up after dinner like we agreed.

And the immediate response, almost like a reflex, is, well, it's not my fault.

You were the one who left all the dishes out in the first place.

Yeah, heard that one.

Or said that one.

Right.

Classic defensiveness.

And it just stops any resolution dead in its tracks, doesn't it?

Because nobody's willing to actually own their part.

Precisely.

You can't solve a problem if no one admits there's a problem, or at least their role in it.

It just keeps the argument going round and round, an endless loop.

So how do we break that cycle?

What's the antidote here?

The antidote, while maybe difficult in the moment, is actually quite straightforward.

It's taking responsibility, owning up to your part of the issue, your mistakes, and offering a sincere apology when it's needed.

When you own your part, it shows self awareness.

It shows you're willing to learn and grow.

And that fundamentally builds trust and fosters a much more harmonious connection.

It really can be hard to admit when you're wrong though, that pride.

Oh absolutely.

Swallowing your pride is tough, but it's so vital for moving forward together.

It shows respect for the other person's experience too.

Okay, crucial.

That brings us to the fourth and final horseman.

This one can feel really isolating, I think for the person experiencing it.

Stonewalling.

Yes.

Stonewalling is essentially shutting down, withdrawing completely from the conversation or the interaction.

Like physically leaving or just emotionally checking out.

It can be either or both.

It might be literally walking away mid argument or giving the silent treatment, refusing to make eye contact, just refusing to engage.

It often happens when someone feels flooded, emotionally overwhelmed, maybe by criticism or contempt.

Right.

It's like a self protection mechanism gone wrong.

In a way, yes.

But the impact on the other person.

Oh yeah.

It must create this intense feeling of loneliness.

Like you said, disconnection.

Like hitting a solid brick wall.

Exactly.

It's like building this invisible impenetrable wall right between you.

And obviously that prevents any kind of real resolution.

Issues just get left hanging, festering.

And even if the person stonewalling, feels overwhelmed, that complete disengagement is incredibly painful for their Partner.

It can feel like abandonment in that moment.

It really can.

So a key insight here from the research is that the antidote isn' don't stonewall.

It's about learning to manage that feeling of being overwhelmed.

First, it's practicing self soothing.

Self soothing, what does that look like?

It means recognizing you're flooded.

Maybe agreeing to take a break.

Like I need 20 minutes to calm down.

And then using that time to actively calm your nervous system.

Like deep breathing.

Deep breathing is a great one.

Maybe going for a short walk, listening to music, positive self talk, Anything that helps you reduce that intense stress level.

The crucial part is coming back to the conversation once you're calmer.

Ah, okay, so it's not avoiding the issue forever.

No, absolutely not.

It's about getting yourself into a state where you can engage constructively rather than just shutting down or exploding.

Finding that bridge back to connection, even when your first instinct is just to pull up the drawbridge.

That's a really important distinction.

Okay, so let's just quickly recap what we've covered in this deep dive.

We've unpacked Dr. Gottman's Four Horsemen.

These patterns that can really derail relationships.

Right.

We had criticism, attacking the person, not the behavior.

Then contempt, that awful mix of superiority, sarcasm and disrespect.

Followed by defensiveness, avoiding responsibility, making excuses.

Blaming back, and finally stonewalling, shutting down, withdrawing completely.

Yeah, but maybe more importantly, we've also talked about their powerful antidotes.

Yes, for criticism, and it was expressing feelings directly, non confrontationally, focusing on I statements and the specific behavior for contempt.

Actively cultivating that atmosphere of appreciation and respect, looking for the good for defensiveness.

Taking responsibility for your part, owning your mistakes, apologizing sincerely.

And for stonewalling, it's that two step practice, self soothing.

First, calm yourself down, but then crucially, re engage.

Come back to the conversation constructively, recognizing.

These patterns and then consciously choosing the antidotes instead.

Yeah, that really seems to be the key, doesn't it?

Building healthier, happier relationships that can actually last.

It truly is.

It takes practice, it takes intention.

But it's absolutely possible to change these dynamics.

So if you're listening and you feel like you could use more support on, say, your anger management journey, or maybe navigating these kinds of relationship dynamics.

We definitely encourage you to check out Alistair Duh's website.

It's angersecrets.com.

Yeah, there's some great stuff there.

Free training available and also the chance to book a free anger assessment call, which could be really helpful.

Definitely worth looking into angersecrets.com and maybe.

Just one final thought to leave you with today.

Something to mull over.

Okay.

Remember, you really can't control other people.

You can't make them change.

Yeah, but you absolutely can control yourself.

Your reactions, your choices, how you show up in the relationship.

And that's where the real power l.

Okay, thanks so much for tuning in to today's episode of the anger management podcast.

I hope you found this deep dive into the relationship dynamics that can lead to divorce both helpful and thought provoking.

Before we wrap up, let's take a moment to go over some of the most important ideas Jake and Sarah shared.

These takeaways might just be the key to creating deeper, more trusting connections in your own life.

First, Jake and Sarah talked about how criticism, even when it seems small or justified, can chip away at your partner's self worth over time.

It's not just about what you say, but how it lands.

Shifting from blame to curiosity can make a huge difference in how safe and respected your partner feels.

Second, as Jake and Sarah said, contempt is one of the most destructive patterns in any relationship.

Sarcasm, eye rolling, or that quiet sense of superiority might feel like a release in the moment, but it erodes connection fast.

The antidote?

Practicing appreciation, Noticing the good, expressing it out loud even when it's hard.

Thirdly, defensiveness might be a natural reflex, but it creates emotional walls.

When you constantly explain, justify, or turn things back on your partner, it shuts down real connection.

Learning to pause, take a breath, and own even a small part of what's happening can completely change the dynamic.

And finally, stonewalling is often a sign of overwhelm, not disinterest.

But when it becomes a pattern, it leaves your partner feeling alone.

Building awareness of your limits and learning healthy ways to self soothe is key to staying engaged, even in tough moments.

Remember, real change doesn't happen by just listening to this podcast.

It happens when you start practising even one or two of these ideas in your everyday moments.

Every pause you take, every small act of kindness, it all adds up.

Okay, that's all for today's episode.

The Four Horsemen of Relationship Breakdown.

I hope you found this episode helpful.

If you did, I'd appreciate it if you took a moment to follow this podcast on your favourite podcast app and if possible, leave a quick rating and review.

This helps other people find this show and start their own journey to a calmer, happier and healthier life.

Remember too, for free support to control your anger, including access to to a free training or a free 30 minute anger assessment call with me, visit my website, angersecrets.com or if you would like to begin your anger management journey right now, visit angersecrets.comcourse to enrol in my powerful online course, the Complete Anger Management System.

I'd be honoured to help you on your anger management journey.

And finally, remember, you can't control other people, but you can control yourself.

I'll see you in the next episode.

Take care.

The Anger Management Podcast is for general informational purposes only and does not constitute the practice of counseling, psychotherapy or any other professional health service.

No therapeutic relationship is implied or created by this podcast.

If you have mental health concerns of any type, please seek out the help of a local mental health professional.