Shownotes
If B is for Bondage
Hi everyone! Welcome to the second series of the A to Z of Sex. I’m Dr Lori Beth and I am your host. We are working our way through the erotic alphabet one letter at a time. Just a reminder this podcast deals with adult content, so if you don’t have total privacy, you might want to put on your headphones. Today the letter is B and B is for Bondage.
People who enjoy bondage enjoy being restrained. This can take many forms from the very simple using neck ties to tie someone’s legs to the bedposts to using handcuffs, to ornate Shibari (Japanese Bondage) to suspending someone. Some people enjoy having their senses restrained by being in a mask that limits sight, smell and hearing. Others just enjoy a blindfold.
Before we being to delve into the different types of bondage, down to the nitty gritty along with do’s and don’t’s and some recommendations for learning, I’d like to talk a bit about why people report enjoying bondage. To people who have never tried anything like bondage, the whole idea can seem frightening. After all, most people associate bondage with something that is done without your consent. Consent is first priority when engaging in bondage with a partner. Next week’s podcast C is for Consent delves into the subject in great detail.
Could bondage be something you would enjoy? If you haven’t tried any bondage, think about how you feel when someone sets up a surprise for you. If you have ever been blindfolded or told to close your eyes before a surprise, you will remember that feeling of butterflies in your stomach – a mixture of anxiety and excitement – that most people experience when the blindfold goes on. We rely on our sight so much that being without it can be scary indeed but when you agree to have a surprise, then usually most people enjoy that bit of fear, anxiety and excitement and if the surprise is a good one, the whole experience is exciting and becomes a fond memory.
If you think about the blindfold experience for a moment, note what it is about that experience that gives you the butterflies. Is it partly excitement? Is it fear? Is it partly being out of control? For many people it is all of these things. This is also true for other kinds of bondage.
Here are some of the things clients have told me about why they enjoy bondage so much:
Jade told me that for her it is freeing. She said that giving up control and responsibility free her of all anxiety and allows her to accept pleasure.
Robert told me that for him bondage allows him to fully surrender. He said that he finds it almost impossible to surrender to his partner without being restrained. He said that restraint allows him to submit without fighting.
Margie told me that she likes the feeling of being held by the ropes that restrain her. Margie enjoys shibari and says she loves being tied into an intricate rope corset. She says that being held closely makes her feel secure and loved.
Virginia likes being restrained in handcuffs and chains. She says that the chains excite her and that they allow her to act out her fantasy of being a captive. Virginia says that she finds it hard to accept pleasure and that being chained means she doesn’t have a choice but to accept what her lover chooses to do to her.
John likes being wrapped like a mummy. He says that he loves the total sensory deprivation. He says that his experiences are intense and that he has had the most amazing orgasms when in this space.
As you can see, each person has a different experience and different reasons for enjoying bondage. Some people enjoy bondage as part of a power exchange and others enjoy bondage on its own as part of an equal relationship. Some enjoy bondage and discipline and others just enjoy bondage.
Before we move on to the descriptions and the how to part, let’s talk about safety. First it is advisable to be sober when engaging in bondage
There are some obvious things to consider like making sure that any bonds are not cutting off any circulation. This is true for looking at handcuffs and chains as well as rope and other cloth.
Never tie anything around the neck in way that can tighten. It is simply dangerous. If you are chaining someone via a neck loop, there should be enough chain for them to fall to the floor.
Make sure to tie above or below a joint not on a joint. Avoid tying tightly on pressure points (or at all if possible). Learn to tie off knots so that things cannot slip or get tighter.
Particular risks with bondage:
Some people faint when bound too tightly. Others faint when bound in particular positions with the bindings in particular places. This is why it is best to take a good workshop on bondage 101 before diving into doing bondage with your partner.
Don’t leave someone tied for too long. If you are feeling pins and needles you need out of the bondage before lasting damage is done.
Never leave someone restrained unattended and if the person is gagged, never leave them out of your sight. Check in regularly with the person to see how things are feeling. This may not seem sexy but at the beginning it is essential to learn how different things feel to the person who is restrained so that you can make sure that the person is safe and also to confirm enjoyment.
Types of bondage:
Bondage to make someone sexually accessible: Sometimes called sexual bondage where the main feature is to be able to make someone sexually available. Examples are tying legs to the bedposts so someone is spread eagled, tying in a way the exposes ass and vagina (hogtie can work this way where hands and feet are behind the back and tied and then they are tied together). Sometimes a rope or chain is placed at the crop, putting pressure on the genitals. Sometimes the top might tie a person and then sexually tease them instead of using the person sexually themselves.
Bondage for a purpose: Some bondage is for a specific purpose like making someone accessible for a spanking or tying in a decorative way to display someone. Sometimes people are tied into position to be furniture or chained so that they can perform a particular service. People can be tied into position on bondage furniture or restrained with handcuffs or chains. For example over a bondage bench or on a St Andrew’s Cross.
Restraint for torture: In this form of bondage, a person is tied into a position that is uncomfortable. This can be done as punishment or as part of sexual play.
Meditative bondage is not seen much in the west but in Japan it is more common. The person is restrained and then spends the time meditating and it is expected will reach a higher level of spiritual enlightenment.
Bondage for sensory deprivation (partial or total). In this type of bondage, one goal is sensory deprivation and/or sensory control. Gags are used in this way. There are many types of gag. Some of them completely block the possibility of talking. Others do not. Some people are confined in complete head masks with padding so that sound is muffled and sight is not possible. Some masks/hoods go further and block the mouth as well leaving only small breathing holes. Some people use gas masks too.
Breast bondage is popular. Breasts are sometimes decorated and then bound in a way that is also decorative.
Verbal bondage is practiced when a person is restrained from speaking. This can take a physical form through the use of a gag or tape over the mouth or it can simply be an agreement that someone will not talk until released to do so.
Materials used for bondage:
Bondage tape is specifically designed to use for bondage. It comes in many colours and is easy to cut through in order to release someone quickly.
Rope: Ropes come in many types of thickness and many materials. Hemp and silk are the most commonly used for bondage but there are heavier ropes and scratchy ropes picked particularly because they cause additional stimulation.
Scarves and ties are frequently used because they are easy to grab hold of in most households and are soft in texture.
Leather belts are used again because of the ease in getting hold of them and also the ease in releasing someone.
Chains. People use thin decorative chains and also use thick heavy chains. It depends up on what they are trying to accomplish with the bondage.
Handcuffs, leather wrist and ankle restraints: There are lots of different type of cuffs from the standard police metal to antique Victorian iron ones to padded leather cuffs specifically designed for bondage. Sometimes spreader bars are use to bind a person in a position with their legs and/or arms spread.
Straight jackets are used to bind arms to body and to restrict movement. This is a more intense method of bondage than using just wrist and ankle restraints.
People who like mummification can be wrapped in saran wrap (cling film), wrapped in a sleeping bag or in a leather or latex wrap designed for full body restraint. People who are claustrophobic (have a morbid fear of enclosed spaces) usually find this type of bondage extremely difficult.
Cages are loosely defined as bondage as they restrict your movement to a small area. Cages appeal to some people who enjoy being confined but not closely confined. They also appeal to people who physically cannot manage being in bondage for any period of time without risking physical injury (people who have autoimmune disease for example or those who have osteo arthritis). This is because they allow the person to be restrained without the threat of unwanted injury. People who are claustrophobic can have trouble with this type of bondage.
Kinbaku: Kinbaku means tight binding in Japanese and is a Japanese style of BDSM that involves tying up the bottom using rope in intricate designs. This has come to also be called shibari in the west which means to tie or to bind. There are lots of rules about the aesthetics of kinbaku but equally important is the part of kinbaku that has to do with the relationship between the person who is doing the tying and the one being tied. It should be noted that this type of bondage is very particular with a particular set of aesthetics and a particular set of goals for the tie. It is best learned from a master of the art. If you are a fan of rituals then Kinbaku may very well appeal to you and work well for you.
Here are my do’s and don’t’s for exploring this erotic area:
- Do talk long and in depth with the person you are going to engage in bondage with
- Do make sure you are clear on consent
- Do be clear about limits, health conditions and be clear on safe word.
- Do at least take a bondage 101/intro workshop in person rather than just reading books (although there are good books out there).
- Do enjoy choosing the restraints together.
- Do try a number of different types of bondage and restraint and see what you enjoy most.
- Do make time to talk with your partner after the session and compare notes, make sure that you are both happy with the session
- Do take your time and explore.
- Don’t rush into engaging in bondage without training.
- Don’t engage in bondage with someone when you or they are intoxicated.
- Don’t engage in bondage with someone before you have talked about what you plan to do. This should be a thorough negotiation.
- Don’t leave someone who is bound on their own without a means of release.
- Don’t engage in bondage without telling the person you are engaging in it with the details of your physical health and any physical or psychological limitations you might have.
Those are my main do’s and don’t’s. Resources can be found at the end of the blog for this podcast.
Resources:
For rope: http://www.esinem-rope.com/
For tutorials: http://esinem.com/
http://www.beautifulbondage.net/store/index.php?route=information/information&information_id=7
Bondage gear: https://www.extremerestraints.com/bondage-gear_10/
Books:
Seductive Art of Japanese Bondage - Midori
Two Knotty Boys Showing You the Ropes
Thanks for joining me this week for the A to Z of Sex. Write in with your questions to drloribeth@atozofsex.com and visit both websites www.atozofsex.com and www.the-intimacy-coach.com to learn about alternative sexual choices, types of sexual relationships and to learn to sizzle and create that ideal lasting intimate relationship. For a free 30 minute session with me, head over to www.atozofsex.com and click on the button that says ‘book now’.
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