What do you do when you want more leadership from your husband, but you do not want to respond with pressure, control, resentment, or constant frustration? In this episode, we discuss the tension many women feel when they are carrying a lot and longing for their husbands to step up with greater initiative, responsibility, and spiritual maturity.

We discuss 7 practical and biblical ways women can encourage better leadership in their husbands without trying to force change or carry a role that belongs to God alone.

This episode will encourage you to respond with wisdom, pray with intention, and pursue a healthier picture of partnership and leadership in marriage.

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I created an Invisible Load Checklist to help you identify what you may be carrying mentally, emotionally, and practically in this season. It is a helpful tool to bring clarity to what feels heavy and to support healthier conversations in your home.

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Hey, winning women, welcome back to another episode. So today I want to talk about leadership. Women are great leaders. Men are great leaders. However, this episode is for women who want to see a little bit more leadership in their men. Now on this podcast, we talk a lot about women and women winning in the world. And we understand and know that women can be great leaders and we are.

great leaders, both in the home and outside of the home. But I also think that men are called to be great leaders. And I believe that women want to see our men rise into their leadership. This could be you want your spouse to initiate more. You want them to engage more around the house or with the kids. You just want them to notice more. You want them to carry a little bit more responsibility and lead with greater maturity. Now, this desire is not wrong.

And if you clicked on this episode, don't feel bad for wanting and desiring this in your man. I think that this conversation needs to be handled carefully and maybe that's why we don't talk about this much. And a lot of women share this desire, but feel bad for either expressing it or we express it. And it's not received well by our spouses. My husband is a great leader and I've always seen his leadership skills. Matter of fact, that's what attracted me to him.

We've been married now 10 years and over those 10 years, I saw leadership in those seasons as one way and perhaps he saw leadership or being a good leader in a different way. And so when those definitions or expectations clash, I would subconsciously try to either control him or say things that just weren't the healthiest to come from a wife. And I realized quickly how either harmful it was or how it just caused.

distance in our relationship. And so I'm going to share a little bit of that today just to invite you into my experience in this space and how I handled those seasons. And so today I'm going to share seven ways that you can encourage better leadership in your spouse. Now, our culture has a lot to say about women in this position who just want to see their men as better leaders or want their men to step up. We have to be careful when we listen to these cultural messages because it often encourages women to lean into independence like

You don't need him. Be more independent. Do more. You're a boss. You can handle this. But when I was in a role where I was working outside the home and I felt empowered by my job and somewhat in control when I was making a whole lot of money, at the same time, I didn't feel more powerful. I felt tired. I felt the weight of responsibility. I felt a lot of pressure and trying to provide and keep our marriage healthy and manage our home and stay soft in a role that just

kind of kept rewarding this hardness in me. And that's a trap that a lot of women fall into. Now, on the other end, what do our men really feel? I think our husbands may never say, but I think that men start to question, are they enough? Are they leading well? Are they still leading in a way they thought they would be? Or are they leading better than they saw growing up, whether that was in their fathers or in male figures in their lives?

And I think the biggest feeling that our men will never share with us is that are they disappointing us? Are they disappointing us as their wives? Or are they disappointing God? Men are called to leadership. They're called to lean in and lead their homes spiritually, protect their homes, protect their wives, provide stability and quality of life for their family. And those are tender places that when questioned, I think men feel the weight of it more than they share.

So if you're wanting your man to step up or just be a better leader, then the wrong response to that desire would be staying silent and expecting him to read your mind. I know we've heard this before with men are not mind readers. I have struggled with this in our marriage. And that is one thing that the counselor has pointed out to me is that Alan cannot read your mind. And I'm like, no way. Like after all these years of marriage, there's still a part of me that wants him to read my desires without me having to express them.

And this is common for a lot of women. think a lot of women think that he should already know he lives in this house too. He sees what I'm carrying and he should notice when I feel overwhelmed. In the season when our kids were growing and they were very young, I was very, very burnt out from work. I was burnt out from motherhood and I was really exhausted. And when you're exhausted, you don't want to tell the person who sees you every day that you're exhausted. You're hoping that they can see it. Now,

Through a lot of work that Alan and I have done in counseling, I've realized that in those seasons, it's like he saw it, but he also was carrying his own burdens. Like he was focused on providing for our family. He was working. So I think he saw it, but he may not have really seen it in the way that I wish that he saw it. So now that's my job to communicate that to him. And I think a biblically rooted response is Ephesians 4.15 where it encourages us to speak the truth in love.

If you notice that verse doesn't say just speak in love, it says speak the truth in love. That goes for not only sharing the gospel and speaking the truth about biblical wisdom, but that also is the same for our feelings and the truth of how we feel. So be honest, be specific. Don't just say I'm tired because I said that a lot in that season, but maybe share what's making you tired. One thing that I did because husbands, they need details. My husband is one of those. He will always say, okay, so what does that mean, Jennifer?

And I'm like, what do you mean? What does that mean? I just shared my heart to you. I just shared my feelings to you. But in his mind, he just maybe needs a few specifics. And if your man desires this woman, I know that it's natural to be like, why do I have to tell him this? Or you feel like, why doesn't he understand? Or I have to baby him. No, some men are just wired differently and they need details. My husband is one of those. So before talking to your husband, maybe answer these questions like.

What am I carrying right now that feels really heavy that I want him to know about? If you can acknowledge what you're carrying, then it's easier for you to express that to him. Or maybe you can ask yourself, like, what would support actually look like in this season? So in those seasons when our kids were young, I would say, babe, I need more support. I need more support in the house. And support can mean a lot of different things. And so what does that support actually look like for us? was, hey, babe, if I make dinner, can you load the dishwasher?

Hey, babe, if I do this, can you do this? Hey, well, I'm taking the kids to school. You know, can you do that? And I started to communicate with more specificity. I hope that's word. And then all of a sudden my husband understood it. Now be careful not to think that if your husband is asking you to be more specific, then you're having to baby him instead, be more specific and see if that encourages him to step into leadership in a different type of way, because you've given him the exact resources, the exact tools.

the exact language that he needs. And a prayer that I would pray when I was working on this was, Lord, help me to communicate clearly and lovingly. Keep me from expecting mind reading from my husband and just give me wisdom to say what is true, but say it with grace. So another thing that you shouldn't do when you're feeling this way is to let your frustration turn into constant criticism. Instead, we should honor what is working instead of focusing on what he is missing. So

I share that because my husband actually gave me this feedback in counseling and he shared how whenever I'm trying to communicate something with him, I focus a lot on the negative. And in my mind, I'm like, well, I'm trying to share with you what you're doing wrong or what I feel like you're doing wrong. But what I did was that I let my frustration turn into constant criticism. And a lot of times women, we do this without even realizing this. I kind of grew up in a house where criticism was a part of like our vernacular.

Being in Nigerian home, it's just, I don't know, we criticize each other, but it never felt offensive to me. Now as an adult, I do that, but the person on the other end may feel offended. And so women, think we need to be a little bit careful because when we're frustrated, the pain that we feel now starts to turn into jabs, sharp comments, sarcasm, correction. Men don't take correction very well and just irritation. And this affects everyone, whether it's our kids.

our work environment, our spouses. And so I know that culture will kind of say for women to push harder in this area, be louder, tell him how it is, or he needs to know, make him feel the weight of your frustration. But I don't think that that is the healthiest way. think instead we need to honor what is working instead of focusing on what is missing.

And a biblically rooted response comes from Proverbs 18, 21 that says life and death are in the power of the tongue. That verse reminds us of how important it is, not just what you say, but how you say it. So if your husband takes initiatives or he follows through with what he said he was going to do, or he serves, he leads, he protects, he provides, even if it's in the smallest things, then say so, acknowledge that in him. Now I'm not saying that you have to not share what he can improve on.

But I think if you lead with what he's doing well, then healthy affirmation strengthens healthy behavior. One thing that I tell Alan is, babe, thank you for taking the kids to school. Like I really feel supported when you do that. I've also shared with him, it means a lot to me when you lead like that and he just kind of perks up a little bit. Or I'll say, hey, babe, I appreciate you handling that. I just asked the Lord to teach me to use words that build life, speak life into him.

Now, once again, it doesn't mean that you don't share those things that you want him to grow in, but I think the more that they hear affirmation, it's going to strengthen healthier behavior. All right. So another way that you can help your man be a better leader is to make room for him to lead without controlling every outcome. Now, this is a big one because if your man initiates, but he gets corrected every step of the way, then

being a good leader is going to begin to feel very risky to him. He can lead at work or he can lead when he's with his friends or he can lead in different areas of his life, but he doesn't feel safe leading at home. And sometimes that is because women, we may be controlling him without even realizing it. So if he steps in, but he's constantly being micromanaged, I struggled with this because I wanted things done a certain way. I know that's bad, I'm still working on it.

But if he leads, but he's not leading the way that you want him to, or he's not doing something specifically, then he may just stop trying. I know that my husband has shared this with me. He'll say, Jennifer, you're very particular. And when he says that, that's kind of like code for like you're controlling me. If you ever hear him say that around me, just know that's like a little code talk because I don't receive when he tells me I'm controlling him. I'm like, no, I'm not. But if he says that's a very particular request.

then it gives me the opportunity to share why I am being particular. But it also gives me the opportunity to check my heart and wonder if this is being received as control. I would encourage you to examine whether you have created room for him to be a good leader. So ask yourself as a woman, am I asking him to lead or am I asking him to do it my way? And then also ask yourself, can you allow him to handle it differently without treating him different like a failure? A prayer that I would

when I was growing in this is asking the Lord to show me where my control is stunting his growth. Alright, so another way that if you want your man to be a better leader is to respond in ways that invite growth. I think the way that a lot of women do it, including myself when I was growing in this area was assuming the worst about his motives. And as women we start to think, he doesn't care, or he sees me drowning and he's not doing anything, or he's selfish, or this is

One that a lot of women use is he's narcissistic. Now, I'm not saying that you're not wrong or he's not a narcissist. He may be. Sometimes we rush to those assumptions, but not every husband who is missing the burden is malicious. Some are just unaware. Some of them were never taught servant leadership. Some of them may think that providing financially is enough, and that's what leading looks like. Some men do not fully understand the invisible load that we are carrying.

And this is a big one. And if you are struggling with the invisible load, that is the load that women carry that we often don't share or people don't see. That's the emotional load that we carry from being there for our kids or working long hours. And it's invisible because we feel it, but our spouses or people don't see it. And if you're struggling with that, I actually have an invisible load checklist for women.

to help not only identify this invisible load, but to help you communicate it in a healthy way so that you don't have to carry this burden alone. I'll actually link that in the show notes so you can click on it and download the invisible load. And so just remember that men grow when they feel respected, when they feel safe, and when they feel encouraged. The respect and encouragement is a big one. If a man feels respected and he feels encouraged, then it's the perfect environment for growth.

Now, once again, remember with our control, growth may not happen overnight, but it's the environment for things to grow. think about our plants outside and in the winter how they're dead and our landscape just looks so boring. But then when that first bud pops open in spring, I'm like, my gosh, like the ground was creating the perfect environment for that rosebud to flourish and to grow. And spring comes and all of a sudden all the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming. And I'm like, thank you, God, for helping me curate.

this good soil for them to grow. It's the same in our marriage. Ephesians 5.33 says, let the wife see what she respects in her husband. So that may look like saying, thank you for stepping in there or saying, hey, babe, that helped me more than you know. Hey, I appreciate you taking that initiative because women, your words are powerful and your response can either nurture growth or it can discourage it.

So I've got just a few more and another way that you can help your man step into the leader that he is called to be. And that is to pray for him, pray for his leadership more than you complain about his absence or the absence of leadership in him. So when we don't take this to the Lord and pray for our husbands, then resentment starts to kick in. So we just keep going. We just keep holding it together. But inside something in our heart is changing. We're becoming more irritated.

We're becoming less tender to his response. We're becoming more distant. If you're like me, I just kind of get easily angered. Like anything just makes me upset. The kids could just look at me and I'm upset. And they did nothing wrong. But instead of praying for my husband, I've let something in me grow into resentment without even realizing it. Now, I think the world will encourage women to protect yourself.

Or they'll encourage women to keep score of what he's doing wrong and just lay it all out in counseling or just make a list and give it to him. But that's not what the Bible says. Philippians 4, 6 says, not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and application, let your requests be made known to God. Take to God what you want your man to grow in. Take to God your frustrations, but ask God to help change your husband's heart. If you want your husband to lead better,

Pray specifically for the kind of leadership that you long to see. Pray for wisdom, pray for courage, pray for spiritual maturity, pray for responsibility, discernment, pray for humility, pray for him to be a servant leader, not just a leader with authority. Pray for a tender conscience before God. Pray for his heart to be softened so that God can change him, not you. Pray for strength instead of passivity. We want strong

Men, a prayer that I would praise, Lord, grow my husband in wisdom and maturity. Teach him to lead with love. Teach him responsibility. Teach him attentiveness. Teach him strength. And I would pray for the Lord just to form in him what I cannot force. I tried to change my husband. It did not work. And the man that my husband is, the phenomenal leader that he is, I can't take credit for that. That is only the work that

God is doing in his life and what God has done in his life. I'm just there to nurture that environment. I'm there to encourage him. I'm there to speak life into him. I'm there to encourage when he is doing something right. I'm there to affirm him. I'm there to thank the Lord for him. And I'm also there to take my request to the Lord about him. So you can pray for the Lord to search your heart and to keep pain from becoming into hardness. And if bitterness has taken root in your marriage,

And you feel like my husband is never going to step into the leader that I know he's called to be, then it may be time to model the kind of maturity that you want to see. A lot of men may not have grown up with seeing a healthy version of what leadership or maturity looks like. And I'm not telling you to enable your man. I'm not adding one more thing to your plate to say, now you have to teach him how to be a good leader. No, what I'm saying is that maturity.

invites maturity. Sometimes we have to look inward to examine our maturity. A godly wife creates an environment where godly leadership can easily grow. Matthew 7, 3 to 5, I believe says, first take the log out of your eye. Examine our maturity, our contribution to this unhealthy environment. I'm not placing blame, but when I look back at some of the most unhealthy moments in our marriage, I had some contribution in that.

Maybe I wasn't creating a home where my husband wanted to be in all the time. Maybe I was so stressed. I was taking it out on everyone. Women, we shift the tone of our house just from our presence alone. I know you've heard it. Happy wife, happy life. What do you think that means? Like that means that our presence, whether it's our happiness, our sadness, it impacts the environment that we're in. And so ask yourself, are you bringing chaos into the home? Are you speaking with wisdom or are you reacting with

constant frustration. Are you cultivating some of the same traits that you long to see in him? This was huge for me and counseling, I learned that some of the things that I wanted to see my husband, I wasn't even doing myself. Or when I had to do it, I was like, wow, this is hard. So maybe I need to be a little bit more careful with him. Once again, I am not encouraging you to enable him. And I'm not saying this is your fault that he's not a good leader. Instead, just think about if you want to build healthier rhythms, and you also may want to be honest about

where you may be contributing to his pattern. A prayer that I prayed in this season was, I asked the Lord just to show me what is mine to own. I asked the Lord to help me walk in humility without taking false blame. And I also asked the Lord just to teach me where I need to release control and grow in trust. And the final tip that I will share when you want your man to be a better leader is to stop trying to be his Holy Spirit.

A lot of women, want our husbands to change so badly that we over correct, we over monitor, we over lecture, we over explain. We're constantly pointing out where he's falling short. We're trying to manage him. We're trying to force awareness. If you're like me, you're trying to control his transformation, but only God can truly convict a man's heart. Only God can produce inward transformation. Only God can form the leader in him from the

inside out, not the leader for a temporary season or a leader who's stepping up to be a leader because we want him to so badly and we've created that tension or we've set that expectation and made it very clear. But remember as wives we influence, we can pray, we can communicate, we can affirm, we should affirm, we can respond wisely, we can set healthy expectations, but we cannot do the work of the Holy Spirit.

When we try to be his Holy Spirit or the God in him, then we usually, one, become exhausted. We come off as too controlling. He becomes resentful. And now there's a spiritual burden by this job that we're carrying that we were never meant to be. I don't even want to carry the job of the Holy Spirit. He's busy enough. I think of John 16, eight, where it says the spirit convicts. Like I can't convict my husband, but the Holy Spirit does.

In Proverbs 1 27 verse 1 says, unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Like the Lord has to be the foundation. The Lord has to be who convicts your husband. Jesus Christ has to live in him. He has to invite him into his heart and your husband has to be tender to lean into the prompting of that. Our role as wives is to influence. Our role is not to control and transform. I know women desperately, we feel like we can't.

And most likely if our husbands change, they know that it's because of our presence in their life. Our kids know that. I went to so many graduations last summer and I was just brought to tears about how many kids stood on that podium and thanked their mother. Women, we impact growth and transformation. It's on our job to, I think we just do it, but we can't take that role on because when he changes, it's because of the work that God is doing in his life.

And so do your part and release him and all that to God communicate very clearly, you know, but pray fervently and affirm what is healthy. Some things I had to remind myself is my role is not to become his Holy Spirit. Like I had to check myself and say that and a prayer that I would pray when I noticed that this was something that I was doing subconsciously was Lord, forgive me for trying to carry what belongs to you. Like you are our father. You are the Holy Spirit.

helped me to release this pressure to change my husband. I desperately wanted the little things to change. My husband is a phenomenal leader, but there were like little things where I was like, well, if he did this better. So I just asked the Lord to teach me to do my part and do my part faithfully and trust God with him. And the Lord always, always does a better job than I do. And so as a wife, encourage leadership. Change happens over time, not overnight.

But what you can do is before addressing your husband, you can just spend time asking God, what am I expecting from him that only you can fully give? Or you can go before God and ask God for wisdom before seeking your husband's response. Those are things that I do. I really try now to take things to God or at least have a conversation with God before I bring it to my husband, because when I do, my tone is better. I speak more clearly. I just am approaching this from a softer place than a condemning place.

Now, remember ladies, I know that messages in the world that we all are influenced by will tell us that we either need to be quiet, we need to let him feel what we feel, we need to control, but God offers a better way. He invites us into truth. He invites us to prayer. He invites us to community and wisdom and a shared burden. So if you want your husband to lead better, then the answer is not more pressure.

It's not to control more. And I don't think that it's to stay silent either. It's wisdom, it's prayer, it's healthy communication. It's affirming him. It's looking inward at your maturity. It's making room for growth without trying to become the source of growth. At the end of the day, you can trust that the God who sees your marriage is able to work in ways that we cannot. So as we recap, the seven ways to help your man be a better leader is to communicate clearly.

Honor what is working in him, not focusing on what's not working. Make room for him to lead. Respond in ways that just invite and curate growth. Pray for him more than you complain. Model the maturity you want to see and that means you have to sometimes check your heart. But the biggest thing is to stop trying to be his Holy Spirit. Stop trying to be Jesus and Lord in his life. Let's pray. Would I pray for the woman who feels tired, who feels overlooked, who feels overburdened. Lord give her wisdom to respond in ways that

honor you. Help her not to just stay silent or to grow bitter or to carry what you never meant for her to carry. But Lord, give her courage to speak honestly, speak the truth with love. Give her the posture of humility and to examine her own heart. Give her the peace to bring her burdens to you. And Lord, pray that you strengthen marriages that need healing, strengthen marriages that need partnerships, strengthen marriages that are living in tension right now, and strengthen marriages that just need to change.

and make you the foundation, make you the center of the marriage. Lord, I pray for our men. pray that you raise up husbands who are attentive, who are strong, who are loving, who want to lead and lead the right way, who want to be responsible, and most importantly, Lord, who are willing, willing to grow. Teach our men to love well. Teach them to lead with humility. Teach them to notice what has been overlooked. Teach them to listen with understanding, Lord.

Teach him to carry responsibility with faithfulness and teach him to be the kind of man who brings peace, strength, brings protection and stability. Lord, I pray for marriages and I pray for the women listening to this. And I pray Lord that you restore in her heart what has been lost. We love you in Jesus name we pray. Amen. All right, sis, go win this week and make God proud. Bye for now.