Here’s an unfiltered peek into what’s happening Behind Closed Auras. ColLaboratory’s four manifestors lovingly and unapologetically invite you into this conversation about the felt mechanics, psychological burden, peace, and rage they experience moving through the world with their weird auras and initiatory capacities. 

Eréndira, Kelsey, Steph, and Quinn discuss:

• The tension between not wanting to pressure others, resistance to impact, and the burden of managing others’ responses to our initiations 
• Energetic hygiene and the slippery slope from initiation to response
• The cancerous nature of obligation based communications and manifestor “ghosting” as a stop to it’s growth
• The mechanics of non-sacral bodies & sacral amplification: how manifestors can take in too much sacral energy and burn out, but also how this over-capacity is part of the initiatory mechanic itself.
• Closed-aura protection + psychological conditioning: The paradox of being energetically protected yet psychologically over-conditioned; the “slow-drip barrage” of response demands on a closed aura.
• Manifestation as initiation; the body leading, not the mind; being “at the mercy” of timing and urges.
• The importance of not taking our cyclical absence as manifestors personally 
• Differentiated “urges” - how the process of feeling and acting on urge/initiation differs in every single individual manifestor 
• Surrender to form & cosmic timing: Trusting the body’s timing, surrendering the mind’s expectations, and the spiritual dimension of manifestor initiation.

🧪 This episode's Lab Partners:

• Eréndira is a 5/2 Emotional Manifestor
• Kelsey is a 5/2 Emotional Manifestor
• Steph is a 2/4 Emotional Manifestor 
• Quinn is a 4/6 Emotional Manifestor

You can find more about them and their other lab partners at kelseyrosetort.com/labpartners, including bodygraphs, natal charts, and ways to connect with their work.

💖 Stay tuned: New episodes of LAB PARTNERS are released weekly-ish, usually on the Moon’s day.

Intro & Music by Noah Souder-Russo

The laboratory is a space of intimacy and mirroring. I'm just gonna rip with it and.

See what wants to come out.

Something's happening. I was just thinking that.

A lab partner is someone who I can share my incomplete, uncooked, unfinished work with.

Laboratory feels like laboratory in general is a womb space for all of we.

Are mothering and creation. I'm having an embodied experience, stretchy, like.

Vibrant in this container so far.

Relating in ways that feel energetically congruent for me, relating to other people and.

Relating to myself and in collaborative community.

As a human who helped me find.

The lightness and like the humor.

The creative process is fucking dope. And also it's fucking like humbling to fall apart and be witnessed by all of us.

Laboratory.

A laboratory.

A laboratory is an incubator, a place to generate, to initiate, to guide, to mirror.

Collaboratory stretching my capacity.

Lab Partners is a behind the scenes conversation series amongst eight folks who are in a season of experimentation with creativity, authenticity, relationship, collaboration and visibility. We're letting you in on our processes as we unpack them together.

Each of us speak the language of human design and some of us astrology as well. These frameworks for awareness have supported our embodied differentiation and relational understanding.

We invite listeners to observe us through these lenses too.

Today's conversation is between all four manifestors inside of the collaboratory. Myself, Kelsey, I'm a 5, 2 emotional manifestor.

Myself, Quinn, I am a 4, 6 emotional manifestor.

I'm Steph, I'm a 24 emotional manifestor.

And Erindira, a 52 emotional manifestor.

You can learn more about our astrology and designs in the show notes and find even more about us and our other collaborators@kelseyrosetort.com LabPartners.

Quinn was about to flow about how they got their parents to leave the house. For an hour and a half, Quinn.

Said, I somehow, I somehow got my parents to leave the house. And I'm just.

I want to hear more about that and I want to hear if informing was part of it and I want to hear if you were like conscious about what was happening. Yeah.

Um, yeah, I mean, I didn't think of it too much in terms of impact because it's sort of hard to think of impact for me sometimes with my parents when it comes to like wanting them to do something that I want them to do.

Like, I can think of impact with my parents in a lot of other ways, like especially just like emotional impact that I have like on my whole family, but in terms of them getting out of the house today. Because I am, I'm at my parents house right now just for a couple days and this is when we're recording.

I just told them, well, first I like, I do not want them to ever hear our podcast.

Did they know it exists?

Well, I accidentally slipped up yesterday and I said I'm recording a podcast tomorrow. And my mom was like, oh, you're recording a podcast? I was like, actually, I'm sorry, I just have a call, I have a call tomorrow.

I have a call tomorrow and I'm.

Going to need to be like silent and alone. And she was like, I'm laughing at your laughing. She was like, well, I, I think that I'll be out anyway, but tell your dad that.

That she like went straight to that you need to be alone. I was like essentially just trying to be like, get on the other side of the house and stay there.

But she was like, tell your dad and, and like he'll go somewhere. And I was like, okay, I'll tell my dad and I'll go somewhere. And so I did.

And I even told, you know, he was like, I'll go here or whatever and I will wait to come back until 2 o' clock or whatever. And I even said like, you don't have to leave. You can just like, you want to hang out in your office, I'll be all the way over here.

He was like, I'm gesturing wildly about like, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

So that was very interesting. And I think, I think, yeah, I think I'll be here alone for a little while.

Hmm.

That's interesting because I live with my parents and I also like very often get the same response from them of like, just like, if it's possible, they'll be like, we'll just leave the house. We'll just go away. And I'm like, oh, like, I just need a little bit of.

I'm just like letting you know that I'm going to be, you know, making some noise and. But it's almost like they're like, no, no, no, no. We don't even want to like sense that.

Okay, what is that?

That's beautiful.

Let's talk about this. Let's talk about this.

Because this feels connected to something Steph and I were voice noting about a little bit this morning of like wanting to do something. But then it's the thing for me, I've been talking about it all of collaboratory this, like wanting to release, relieve everybody of any pressure.

Like want I. I want the experience of Being able to say this is what I'm doing and not feel like I'm going to corral everyone like, or demand everybody get on my train. And. And Steph was. Was. I don't. Put it in your own words, Steph, if you want.

But like, was saying something similar about the group Sunny Session that we're gonna probably do on Wednesday. And I even, like, recently I'm thinking about.

Sorry, I'll pause because I have an example of this that brought in a new nuance that I'm like, really curious to touch base with you guys about. But. Yeah, you don't have anything quite yet, Steph.

Well, just the.

Yeah, that was my.

I do. I don't want to pressure anybody that feel there's some part inside me who that.

Because I don't know, maybe it senses impact and I don't want to be impactful in a way that will be negative for anybody. People pleasing.

I wonder how much of this is us projecting our own, like, absolute resistance to impact. You know, like, we. We don't want anyone else's needs to require anything of us. And so we are like overly conscious of that in informing.

Yeah.

There's this other piece though, so, you know, I've been releasing my LYD as a podcast and I've been having some ideas about. Like, I didn't have this in mind at all, go figure. When I released it originally. But I'm having.

I'm starting to have some ideas about once all the lectures are out, maybe doing a season two and like inviting people on to talk more about. To talk about kind of all the same elements, but in the lived experience of it. And I was like, riff, that's so cool.

Okay.

Yeah, it's one. It's one of the things that several of us put on the Stardust board, right? Like the design talk.

But I was riffing in a voice note to my friend Amanda about this because she's a reflector and I see her being involved potentially in reflector stuff and some other stuff, but I was also just like riffing some of what feels. Some of what I feel self conscious about with it. And I was just like open invitation to tell me what you hear and what I'm saying.

And obviously she was like, you're overthinking. And one of the things she.

Cause one of the things I was insecure about, stuff that's been all over collaboratory too, is like, is it okay for me to ask people to do this? Like, am I asking too much of people? The exchange stuff and she was like, if people don't want to do it, they can just say no. Which is like.

But like, that just brought up so much for me because people, people have said that to me before and I've always been like, in the past, I've always been like, oh yeah, they could just say no. But this time when she said it, I was like, but people don't say no to me. People don't say no to me.

That's not like entirely true, but it's almost exclusively true that like for both self and not self reasons, people don't want to say no to the things I initiate often.

So I end up in situations where now I'm entangled with like people's not self because they felt like for whatever reason, they felt like they had to do something according to what I informed.

Yeah, yeah.

So I've been sitting with that for.

Weeks, which is something that I frankly don't want to fucking deal with. Just as a, like, I am so sick of, you know, Then there's a whole other thing to respond to and manage when that happens.

Yeah, it's hard because. Sorry, Steph.

No, go for it.

I didn't mean to interject.

You chime in.

Of course. Open head is just like, what were you gonna say? Oh, well, it's like there's a piece of it that's like pre preparing for rejection. Right. But also.

Okay, the thing that I was gonna say was I like to have trust in other people's yeses and no's. I like to have trust in it.

And there is like this little nuance about the manifester, like what sort of like things are happening where the people maybe are going to be more apt to say yes. Or like there's the trouble of, okay, sure, they, they, they don't say no, but like, what does that mean for me later?

Not just in what I'll have to respond to, but like, what's this mean for how their view of me is going to be.

Say more about that. What do you mean? Like what their view of you?

Or saying to, you know, that they're gonna like do something or like my parents are gonna like leave the house and I didn't even super push them to, but let's just say I did or something they're going to, or I'm going to project perhaps onto their experience that like they might have a negative experience of put it out by me or yeah, feeling like they have to do this thing or else X might happen. But then it's like they're out of the house and I'm here and I'm projecting a bit of like what if they're like our child made us leave our own house?

Like what are we doing out here like wherever we are, like what are we doing here?

Which for the record from what you shared with us sounds not at all like what's happening.

Yeah, right. But I, I can do that in other situations where I'm just like oh no. Like you know it's.

And it's the self rejection, it's the Ajna kind of spinning out of control about what are all of the ways in which my, my impact is like going to be negative even in something so neutral as like oh I just like I'm recording a thing like I'm on a call, you know.

This feels like.

So I think there's like there's been so much in the lab lately about like letting ourselves be in the process of the victimy feelings so that we can move through it.

So I'm like thinking about how there's some truth to saying where people like get lassoed in from a not self place into our stuff and so it makes sense on a like truly aligned level that we would learn to be discerning about this and also air our grievances about the extra fucking response and management that that requires of us and when it, when we're ready to bring it back around to like self responsibility and agency in it. Which I feel like Quinn just started to do in your share there, Quinn.

I feel like what I'm thinking about in this moment is it's like energetic hygiene like for ourselves acknowledging when something has shifted from initiation mode into management and response mode and then like calling back our autonomy and calling back our sovereignty and like dropping back into our organic energy and being yeah responsible for that and not making it, not letting someone else's like not self expectations of our follow through or management or something. The truth.

This also inspires me to you know, in this, in the vein of self responsibility say how often I say yes when I mean no. And so just the practice of that, you know, I don't know, watching, watching the way the reality works, right.

If I practice it and I do it it's going to happen more, you know, for me or in response to me I guess. But yeah, I think like yesterday was a perfect example.

I mean like one of the reasons I was not fit for human consumption was because I was overriding my no left and right and I even had the audacity but to say to my Partner as a manifester, I think that I can override my, my own stuff because I don't know when enough is. I think I was talking about like there was an example where it's like he didn't want to do dishes one time and then I was like, oh, I'll do them.

And I was like, oh, I can do that. And then I tried to do it and my body was like, motherfucker, sit down. You do not get to do anything but that we do not allow you.

To do that moment you had though. Like there's truth in that. Like as non sacrals we have the capacity to. We can negotiate with what we have energy for to a point.

And like yeah, this is tied to so much of what I've been feeling into because for me something happened where for two to three weeks, specific to collaboratory I think, but also it was happening everywhere in my life at once. I was like riding that sacral buzz. Like I had.

It had shifted from I have organic initiatory energy into now I'm lost in the swirl of trying to maintain it, but I don't know when it shifted. Like it happened sometime in a two to three week span. But by the time I fully realized it I had like dug myself into such a depletion hole.

And I think like part of what I'm, what I'm looking at and working through right now is like that that was all part of it too and that that's all fine and that that is actually a component in a mechanic, sorry. And a mechanic of non sacral life is that we are going to do that sometimes. It's going to happen sometimes.

And we don't like our bodies maybe especially as emotional authority possibly. I don't know. I'd be curious to hear if a splenic or ego manifestor would relate to this.

But like if I start to notice, I'm oh, I think I might be past what I have capacity for.

Like I don't actually have the information and the clarity that I need to have around how that happened or when it happened or why it happened or what to do for a few more days at minimum, you know. So there's like yeah, just something about pacing in there.

So I'm currently trying to make peace with the fact that I did that and that maybe I didn't do anything wrong either. That it's just how the mechanics mechanic.

The remembering and the forgetting. Right.

I've had like a little wordplay that came up the other day and you just reminded me stuff. But like I was just thinking about the word responsibility and how it just like it feels so heavy sometimes.

And you know, we kind of talked about this right before we started recording with like family systems and you know, like as an older sibling, like feeling a sense of responsibility and that has felt like a burden. Like being responsible has felt like a burden for most of my life. It's just something I'm working through.

But for some reason the other day I was thinking about like, oh, it's not, it's like responsibility. Like what if it's like response ability? Like, what if it's like my ability to respond?

And like that just felt like a really big shift for me because I'm like, I'm only responsible if I'm able to respond. Like if I don't have like if the response isn't there, then like it's actually. It's not mine to, to do anything with anyway.

So that just like dropped in for me the other day and it's been reframing like the response. Heavy world that we live in, the generator heavy world that we live in of like I think generators.

Sacral beings have like a different orientation to responsibility because their ability to respond is so. I don't know, it's just so different than a manifesto's or projector's or a reflector's capacity ability to respond.

So in that sense, like our relationship to what we are responsible is actually, it's not the same. It's not homogenized.

I've heard this word play at so many different phases of my life in context, but the way you just said it made it land in a way that it's never actually landed for me before. I'm only responsible if I'm able to respond. Gold.

Save that.

I'm also thinking about just mechanic fun here, mechanical fun.

This ability that we do kind of, I guess it's not necessarily about overriding our natural energy, but there's like a feature of our natural energy as non sacrals, specifically as manifestors, that's like this maybe will get us into what is initiation. Which came up on a few of the bullet points that we group listed out of.

What we might talk about is like we know that the like we know the movement of energy that happens through a manifesto's body is so fucking impactful. And I think part of that is because we have the capacity to like do too much on a sacral level.

Like part of that is that we don't have boundaries when it comes to the sacral so part of initiation is this capacity to take in sacral energy and amplify it and then, like, channel it through our own motors and through our mechanic of initiation. Like, that too muchness is a feature of our design. It's a feature of what our aura type does. Like, the.

The energy that we bring, the labor that goes into initiation. Part of that mechanic is the undefined sacral. Doing a whole fucking lot.

Yeah.

When I was pretty, like, early in my experiment, I was going through a lot of burnout, and I, like, really removed myself from, like, most relationships because I was like, I don't want to be conditioned by, like, sacral energy. And, like, as the years started going by, like, year three, four, five, I was like, I, like, I can't do anything.

Like, I actually, like, I don't have, like, the things that are coming through me that want to be initiated. I actually, like, I'm struggling to move without other people. Like, without the sacral energy for me to plug into.

And that's been, like, a really interesting truth to kind of come face to face with as I'm, like, kind of turning the chapter into, like, what might be coming next of, like, oh, actually. And, like, this was just. Has felt so alive for me during collaboratory is like, I need other people.

Like, I actually cannot initiate without other bodies. Sorry, self.

Which sucks, because that's ego.

That's, like, kind of what I was, like, sort of what I was swirling with when I was talking about how, like, we're gonna sometimes do too much because it's like, then we plug. We're like, okay, I'll plug in. And then we're like, oh, it's happening. Oh, things are moving. Oh, I'm. I'm not having to do it alone.

There's actually less resistance in some ways. And then we get fixated and attached on that, and then we ride it a little too far, and then it's like, oh, I forgot. I forgot.

I don't know when enough is enough.

Oops. Yeah.

And I've noticed, too, like, to make it even more universal, that it is not just like, there have been other people in collaboratory having this experience in their own way in the last couple weeks. Right. It was, like. Was all in. And then it was like, oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Okay. They all pulled back.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I've been thinking in the last, like, few days about how the language don't know when enough is enough, as applied to the sacral is actually applicable to every single center. Like, every undefined center doesn't Know when enough is enough. That's the mechanic of openness, right?

It was like we get lost in the amplification, and we forget to tether back and filter back through self. And how that language just hits so much for the sacral, because the sacral is the motor of the body, but you can apply that everywhere.

So, like, I'm sure there have been moments in collaboratory, you know, where all of us, through our openness, are like, wow, cool. Like, this is great flow. I'm experiencing flow. I'm experiencing aligned conditioning. I'm getting to see.

See like, even more about the potential of what happens through aligned conditioning and aligned collaboration. And then it was like, all of us at certain points, getting kind of lost in that and having to come back to the truth of the.

Of the too muchness of the openness.

This morning, I did something I've never done before, but. So my daughter is a projector, but we have family visiting, and most of them are generators. And so she's just been, like. She was like.

Like, loving it, soaking it in, and. But she was. I could tell she was also starting to get, like, really wound up. And she had to go to school this morning. And, yeah, we were like.

It was pushing her in the stroller, and it's, like, a really nice sunny day, and for whatever reason, I, like, just started to do, like, a meditation with her, and I was like, okay, like, we're gonna take some deep breath. Take some deep breaths out. We're going to feel the sun on our body. We're going to hear the birds. We're just going to come back to our body.

I was like, we're just going to feel our body. We're going to breathe and just, like, feel ourself. We, like, walked to school, and I got down in her face, and I was like, you feel better?

I was like, you feel like yourself. And she just, like, looked at me and, like. And nodded. And I was like, oh, gosh. Like, just like. Like, we just forget that.

Like, that's really just what it takes, right? It's just like, even.

Just, like five minutes of being in the sun, like, using our senses, breathing and grounding and being like, oh, yeah, I have a body apart from all those other bodies.

And, like, my own body, like, it feels so much joy, like, when it comes into contact, and I still, even in that joy, will need to come back to myself so that I can get ready to do the next thing. Well, that was, like, a fun little moment as I was walking with her, which I also Needed because I was like. I also was feeling the buzz. Oh, my gosh.

Thank you for that, Aaron.

Deira.

Holy cow.

I have a projector daughter, sue. And, yeah. And my other kiddo is a generator. And always, like, please, please come with me.

Please come, you know, do all these things and, like, constantly, you know, inviting. And she's getting real, real good at discerning. But then there are sometimes where, like, it's so. It's just so much pressure.

But, yeah, no, that's so brilliant. I will use exactly that because you're right, it is actually that simple.

There's. There are.

I don't know, maybe. Maybe we can't say that a hundred percent of the time, but, yeah, definitely worth some breaths and some, you know, some experimentation.

That was gorgeous.

Yeah, It does. It does make me think of, like, I don't know.

I think family dynamics are one of the well clearest because it's the earliest place that we experience our manifester impact. And just, like, as family comes, like, back into a home, you're like, oh, yeah, like, that is.

There's, like, shadow sides of the aura that, like, whether they're, like, innately shadowed or they become shadow by being in relationship with others, but then there's also just, like, things that are. I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with that, but I just. I'm, like, feeling that.

And then, you know, I've got a manifesto niece who's five months, and I can already feel her, like, manifester aura.

And I don't know, it's just special to, like, have this language as we have little ones, you know, this morning, everyone was moving, and the baby, she just. She gets so overwhelmed.

Like, I was talking to my sister and she's like, yeah, she, like, will cry when people, like, get up in her face and she just, like, will scream. And then I'm like, yeah, well, like, we just don't really want people in our energy, you know?

And, like, that's all she's got is, like, a scream and a cry because she's like, you are too close to my aura.

But everyone was playing and I was, like, talking to her and she just, like, looked at me and she turned her head the other way and she just, like, flipped away from, like, the whole crowd. And I was like, wow, like, that's really special.

Like, you, like, your body knows that, like, everything going around is, like, too much, and you just, like, want to be in your own little manifester bubble. And, like, no shame, no shame about like turning away from the group because that's just like what she needed in that moment.

I was like, I wish I had that kind of no shame being like, you're too much. Bye.

In this moment, tiny manifesters should be our muses. No shirts. But you know, it could, could be because you.

It's, it's seen mechanics in like such a much purer form than, than we can see in ourselves and our peers as people who have been conditioned for a very long time.

Something like kind of new popping into my head around this. And though like I'm. I feel like we talk a lot about how when kids are really little, they haven't been conditioned yet, you know?

So like what you're saying, what both of you are bringing in like the innateness of the body's knowing. And one thing I'm thinking about per all these shares is like, you know how we talk about Andrea? You even just mentioned it.

Like, the early conditioning is so intense. So family systems are so impactful. I'm thinking about like as a mom to a 15 month old, how they're never alone early in their life.

So like the mechanical conditioning perspective on this thing we know, which is that our early childhood conditioning is so intense. Like some kids sleep alone.

This is actually giving me my undefined Ajna that sometimes feels guilty that at 1 years old we moved Selima into her own room. It's like, no, I'm giving her body a chance to reset because her and I, or her and one of her caretakers are together constantly.

There's no aloneness. And I'm thinking about like, for me, I sleep with my generator partner right now. We've had seasons where I sleep alone.

I'm actually thinking because of the peace drought that I'm in right now that a night or two alone might be good. Because in the past when I reached this point, I'm like, okay, it's time to take two to five days to crash and do nothing.

But I can't do that as a mom, right? So I'm like, all right, triage what's available to me.

And I'm wondering if just like a night or two alone alone would help just to like caliber, like give my body those seven hours alone. And I'm thinking about that with kids, right? Like they are not alone.

So they're like being mechanically, concretely, physically, energetically conditioned by their families so constantly. So it makes, it just brings a little nuance to this sentiment of like their innateness, like it's still preserved early on.

Like but then it's not until for many people, the Saturn return. Right. Cause for so many people, you move out, but then you have roommates, and, you know, it takes a long time.

And because of astrological and human design context, I'm estimating that for a lot of people, a shift back into aloneness might happen around the Saturn return. Like getting on the roof.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, who was watching my niece this morning? I was like, I think you would leave us all if you could.

You know, like, everyone went outside and I. I, like, went into my room because I was like, I physically cannot be around this energy. But I was like, you cannot move. Like, she is, like, learning how to roll right now. And she's, like, frustrated because she can't, like, roll back.

And I'm like, oh, you're ready. You're ready to move, but you can't. Like, you're physically unable to do the thing that your body, like, needs you to do, which is hard.

You get so mad. She gets so bad.

Yeah.

Like, I just want to be alone. Yeah.

I didn't realize I needed that until I got divorced. And then I was like. That was really, like, the first time I was alone. Alone for, like, long, extended periods.

And I remember it really feeling so foreign. And now. Oh, my. It is like, the thing I crave the most in the world on a regular basis. Yes. Peace. Drought.

I like that term.

It's so hard to calibrate to peace initial, like, when you're, like, really starting to get to know it. It's. I. I found it really, really hard to do. Not alone.

Yeah. Not.

Not impossible.

Literally impossible. Not hard impossible. And again, now that's. And that's my issue right now is like, I know what peace feels like. I know how to get it. I don't.

I don't know how to get what I need to get, like, where the life circumstances are not allowing for the alone time needed to restore.

Yeah.

And then it's like, I think it is literally impossible to do. Not alone. I wonder. I wonder if I'm overgeneralizing, but I think that might be true.

I was afraid to in my statement there, but then you, like, went ahead and I was like, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, for sure. Because.

And for me, you know, it's not so much that I had to work around any circumstances or to triage things to lead myself to peace, but rather that life circumstances led me to having this, like, solitary exclamation from the city, from everyone I knew, from everything, to go off and to be somewhere where I didn't know anyone, where I lived alone, where I just. And I had lived alone in Chicago for maybe two years before I left to. I had my own spot.

But like there wasn't a circumstance that would have led me to starting to understand my own home frequency and therefore starting to be able to feel into what is peace? What does peace feel like for me? And I just, I don't think that I could have done it if I wasn't away and alone for like so long.

I have a direction going from here.

Go. Okay.

Okay. I'm thinking about like what I think is a true thing. That is this kind of like closed aura privilege protection that we have.

But then I'm also thinking about how it does not actually function in any way that makes existing amongst other bodies any easier for us than other types of. Because yes, we've got an aura that's like your energy will not penetrate to the extent that it does for other aura types. And the.

How did I phrase it this morning in the discord? The slow drip. Is it pronounced barrage or barrage? That word I used? Barrage. The slow drip. Barrage of response.

Like constantly pulling and knocking on our closed aura, trying to get us to move in directions. Like it's. It's just a different hard. It's a different hard. Like we might not.

And I, I can't even say I. I imagine, I conceptualize that we might not be amplifying through our openness as much as generators, especially as much as projectors. Like I am conceptualized that's true.

I don't know if that's true because I know for me, when I'm amplifying a sacral, like I can fucking feel that shit, you know. So I imagine it's more intense for a projector, maybe more intense in the non sacral centers for generators than us, but I don't know.

Cause I've never been in one of those bodies that I remember. But the like. Psych.

I remember my teacher Amy Lee, who's a 5:1 mental projector saying once that like, because manifester and reflector auras are a bit more like resilient to outside energies, our energetic conditioning isn't as deep, but the psychological conditioning is even more deep. So I don't know if that's connected to what I'm talking about here, but there's like a closed aura protection that we do get.

But then the amount of like patience that we have to fucking wrangle in ourselves to just deal with the everyday needs to respond it's like his own whole fucking full time job that the closed aura can't really actually protect us from that. Well, I guess it can, but not alone.

The closed aura plus our awareness plus our prioritization of our peace plus informing can help protect us from that. But the closed door doesn't protect us from that alone.

It's funny inside I just heard my rage say I can protect you.

Yeah.

I was like thank you. I know you tried to do that. I get that. So funny. Let's work together.

Oh, the rage.

Oh the rage episode. Thank you.

Rage. Possibly other age. Oh, I am so appreciative. I, I do.

You know, there are several moments looking back now, like 20, I don't know, like that closed aura protection I have experienced in a real solid way that I can like trace back and yeah like to certain. Like being at some point frat parties where some crazy stuff was happening but I was okay.

You know, like there are some, some of those times where it really felt like physical safety.

And as a therapist actually I do some consultation with someone who asked me just the other day who I suspect we have not looked at their human design but I suspect a generator manifesting generator type though I could be wrong. But talked about, you know, like how do you do it? How do you do the energetic protection? And I did kind of actually it's not that hard for me.

It doesn't. It has never felt that hard for me to. Yeah. Feel I am in my own energy here even when I'm with someone else. Grateful for that.

Yeah. I don't know how to quite language. I'm writing notes right now about when I have felt that because I do. I feel that on like a daily basis.

Like I feel like people don't bother me so much like in, in social settings but also like I don't know, you know, part of me like doesn't want to curse it and or which is impossible and part of me is like oh maybe it's too pompous to think that but like, like I feel like you talking about frat party stuff. I feel like I have avoided dangerous characters like people who maybe could have gotten me in trouble or mugged me or anything.

Like I feel like I have a way of slip sliding around them or something or like pushing them out of the way. I feel it on the road too when I'm driving. I love the reaction happening there.

Yes. That's just where I was going. I always am like I'm all of a sudden I'm driving down the Highway. And I'm like, huh?

I'm like the only one in this sea of. There's like a sea of cars in front of me and a sea of cars in back of me. And I'm here. I am up the road some weird.

And then the other big place that I've been noticing a lot recently because I've been, you know, as I'm working on my project about raves and about electronic music and about being in the crowds. It's like the ways in which I'm able to create space for myself in a crowd. And this is something that I've always known and always done.

But recently I had the experience of going to see live music with. With two collaborators. Once with Noah and then last week with Amalia.

And to be able to hear that reflected back to me upon us talking about the mechanics of the crowd and whatever. And Amalia said to me, I asked, do you think, was there anything that you noticed about our auras in the crowd?

And they said that, yeah, there was always kind of a bubble around you. I was like, fuck, yeah, there was. Yeah. Because that's. That's how it goes. That's how it happens.

And like, to like have that validated is like, oh, someone else sees that. That's okay, cool. It's crazy.

And like being able to move through the crowd, like in my head, I always call it partying the Red Sea, because that's what it feels like. It feels like. And. And I have to use my energy sometimes. Like, you know, in a.

In a crowd that's very distracted, Distractible, like very, you know, doing a lot like sensorily and like all sort of like being immersed in a crowd, I can't necessarily just like step forward and make room, but if I like sort of point my focus on a place in the crowd that I want to go, and I direct my focus there. Like, I feel like this harsh.

Not a harsh gaze, but like a very, like very focused gaze coming forward, creating this space that I can then be like, you know, oh, I see. Like my path has created itself. I'm seeing the path created. So someone moves out of the way before I even start walking, talking.

And someone else tucks over to the left and it's just suddenly like I'm up at the spot that I was eyeing in the crowd.

You know, Quinn, when you were talking earlier about like, how did you get your parents out of the house? It does feel like that is what's happening here too, right? Is like the informing.

And I've noticed this so much in the last year or so, just as I've been, you know, noticing, practicing it and noticing it. I'm just like, I'm informing. I'm not asking for permission. And the C parts, right. Like, even more than I. I expected it to.

Like, you didn't have to leave the house, but they left the house.

Right?

Like, let's get all the way out of your way.

Yeah. And that makes me think about, you know, like that can be a sort of. It's an energetic informing.

When I have my eyes on a spot, like when my eyes are on the prize, there must be some sort of energetic informing going on where that space gets created. I don't, you know, I'm. I'm footballing on that because I'm also thinking about this idea of like initiation not being literal, right.

Like, initiations not just being like, here's something that I've produced and I'm putting out. Or here is, you know, me saying something to start something rolling. But like, there are, I've been noodling on like other types of initiation.

And so, yeah, like maybe there are all of these ways of informing that are not necessarily always verbal too.

Where my mind's been going with this piece is how mechanically in human design, initiation and manifestation are the same thing. And wondering about that.

And one of the things that I had dropped in that I might want to talk about and hear yalls input on is the way I phrased it this morning is being at the mercy of the energy, not controlling what and when initiations happen.

And I'm thinking about the kind of new age idea of what manifestation is and how for people who aren't manifesters watching us manifest like that, like literally, like I want there to be space in front of me right now. And so I look at it and it happens. Or I want my family to be out of the house for these two hours. And so I say it and then it happens.

Like from the outside, it probably looks a lot like what like New Age law of attraction thinks about is manifestation. But that's in my experience, not at all the actual experience of it. Like, I'm not deciding with my mind what I want to happen next.

I don't, I don't actually have any control over it. I just feel my body move me in a certain direction or like the way it feels for me a lot. I use the word upload a lot.

Like through the emotional process, it feels like there's just like something uploading within me. And then at a certain point, not because it's the timeline I want, but it's just like it's here now and it's happening now.

And we don't have to go in this direction.

Now obviously here I'm doing the caveat, informing, but we don't have to do what I want, but I have for a long time as a tribal manifestor, as somebody whose initiations in the more comprehensible work related vein, because initiation is everything we do is initiation.

And one of the insecurities I have a lot is that I feel like I. Like, I'm not in charge of who's part of my initiations. I'm not in charge of the roles we play. I'm not.

My mind is not actually in charge of any of it. And I get insecure at times about people's perception of that, people thinking that I'm choosing to include exclude when it.

First of all, everybody's autonomy and sovereignty is up to them, not me.

To call it back to one of the threads we've already pulled today, but also I can feel certain people in my orbit, in my fractal, are like a part of a thing I'm doing and building and I don't know when or how or why or which groupings come together until something's happening. And yeah, just around, like, yeah, the mind's understanding of what manifestation is, both our own minds and other minds.

And like, what is manifestation? What is initiation? And just kind of playing with that. They are the same thing on a mechanical level.

I just had a thought. I've had lots of thoughts. But I.

Something that you said, Quinn, just like, really struck me about like, the pinpointing of like, the spot that you want to be at. And so it just, it made me think of, like, vision and because I've been like, really struggling with like, what's next. It's like I can't see.

And I'm like, I can't see. I can't see my future. Which is weird because for most of my life I have been able to see my future. I have been able to, like.

And I've been able to like, pull that future, like, toward me. I was just looking at your all's Human design charts. And you all, the three of you have four tone, like fourth tone in your environments.

And I have a three tone in my environment. And so I also was just like wondering. I was like, oh, I wonder if that's also a part of it.

There's this inner vision thing that's maybe happens for you all, but an outer vision for me. And so I don't know, I guess also just playing with that of even within like the manifest or emotion, there's like even more nuance, right?

Like, because like you were saying, Kelsey. I was like, that doesn't quite land for me, but it's not.

Not true.

But it's like there's like another piece that was like, like, like I. Yeah.

Anyway, that was just the piece that I was like, I can feel who's part of it. And that thing. Is that the thing you're saying doesn't land?

No, almost like, Like you were saying, it just like drops in and then like, oh, like the upload is complete. Mm. Mm. And I'm. And I'm like, I do have. I do have those moments sometimes, but it usually comes like, alongside like visually seeing something.

So it's like I visually see something and then like the upload happens. It's like, it's not necessarily something that's.

So if I'm not actually in like an environment where I can like, see the thing, it's like really hard for me to. To like, have the upload happen. Which also was making me think about, you know, like, what you were sharing about.

You were saying, like, about response. Like it was like, right before Quinn started talking and how like, our. Our aura, like, protects us and it is like we can find peace within ourselves.

But like, ultimately, like, I'm a human and I, like, I'm a human that's meant to be in relation.

And so like, and whether that's like, relation to land, environment, you know, other humans, non human beings, like, I like, have to be relationally engaged with the other or like, I am not myself as well. And so like, I just was thinking about like, the tension, right, of like, I know how to make my own peace.

And like, and still I have to be in relation with others others. And so like, the response is always going to nag at me.

Like, it's always going to pick at me because, like, unless I've chosen a life of hermitude, like, intentionally for the rest of time, like, I am always going to be in response with relation if I'm choosing to be in relation with another.

Do you Even with.

Even with another manifesto, though, you know, like, we still don't respond to each other. Like, we don't respond in the same way that, like, generators respond, but we do respond to each other or we're doing something. Go ahead.

I was thinking about this this morning. Okay, let's see if I can. I was thinking about cancer, the, like, the concept of, like, excess and growth. And I was thinking about how all the.

Where are the words?

The, like, conventionalisms of relating and how we are all expected from the homogenized norms lens to like, constantly be responding and getting back to each other all the time. And I was thinking, like, what would it feel like? What would it be like? What could it look like if we just didn't respond?

And I'm not talking about just manifesters either. I'm talking about, like, when a generator doesn't actually have a response to say anything in that moment, you know?

And I started thinking about how cancerous it actually is. This constant feeling like we all have to go back and forth and maintain and maintain and maintain. It's cancerous, it's excess, it's distorted. And.

Yeah, just like collaboratory being a lab for that, right? No place to hide. Either Quinn or Amalia said on a recent episode is like, no starting to. You could.

You could kind of see a point, I feel like halfway through or so where people started to be more conscious of the disclaimers that they were articulating and the caveats and like, what if I just didn't? And then it's like, where's the line between being courteous and informing and being considerate?

Because I do care about my impact and because I want this person to know. Like, in my experience, constant connection and, like, frequency of 3D connection and communication does not translate to closeness or care for me.

I realize that for some people it does, but for me, it does not. I watch myself in relationship, have so much energy. When it's someone that feels new and very resonant to me. I watch myself be like.

That's when the power of the undefined sacral can show up and be like, I've got an obscene amount of energy, a disproportionate amount of energy for this person right now because there's something new forming, and I have a lot of capacity for it because this is initiation. And then at a certain point, there's like, I. This happens in every relationship for me.

It happens in every project, every collaboration, every component of my business, every component of managing a household, all of it. It's like, I like right now, I'm depleted.

So I'm like, we need to rearrange the way we think about chores and routine and timing and schedule in our household. And it's kind of like in some ways it feels like a hack.

I'm like, okay, I need to initiate something new in order for my energy to get back around it. But it's not really actually that. Like, it's not actually like a mental hack. It's like, that's how the manifester shit works. Rage.

Okay, there's too much resistance. I'm gonna create something new. I'm gonna do something new. So.

So anyways, getting back to the relational component, I'm like, there's a part of me that's like, I try to inform people when we're becoming. When we're starting to be connected. I try to inform people, like, I will drop off. Like, my energy to connect with you in this way will not sustain.

Like, I try to do the best I can to inoculate people to that ahead of time and let them know that it's not personal.

This happens in every single relationship for me and that at some point that I am not in charge of to bring back stuff I was mentioning a few minutes ago, it will be time to reinitiate something inside of the universe that is our relationship. And my body will be back. And I don't know what it is. Maybe it'll be a project between us.

Maybe you'll be going through something where you need help initiating into the next part. But once we're past the initiation phase, I will not have capacity to respond to you.

So there's also response within the umbrella of something's being initiated and I have energy for that. And then it goes away. And that's like where I have been for a lot of the last month or so is like realizing like, oops, it teetered over into.

This is no longer initiation response. This is just response. But because it looks so much the same, I didn't realize it until I'd already.

So the question that I put in our little discord is like, what does being an initiator and a non responder look and feel like in maintaining relationships, business projects, anything.

My main business partner and I, we have started and started and started and started and started things over and over. And like, we joke because we're super close and yeah, just great friends, but we always joke that we have to do some.

Do some new thing together in order to hang out, because otherwise, yeah, I or we together, I Mean, again, we're. We're two. Where as we discovered, we discovered human design around the same time. And then our charts really, we do complete each other quite a bit.

And, yeah, so it's kind of the. The work we do together keeps us coming back, and then we all. We also. Gosh, that's so true is, you know, we.

We understand the mechanics for one another and have come to know that over time and then can. Acknowledge. So we can get out of projections by acknowledgin, you know, or asking even, you know, okay, what's going on here is this.

You know, what I know about you is that you are a manifester, and you're here for initiation and not for the endings. Are you losing steam? You know, like, can I step in to this? You know, so, gosh, that's been essential. And we've. We joke a lot how we are really.

We are the two people. We always say, I will work with you, and that's it. Because nobody else gets me like you do.

What's their design?

Sacral generator. Same as Kelsey. Profile numbers.

Oh, no, you're right. No.

Jess, it works.

I feel like, so. I don't know, like, it feels so different.

Like, I want to say this, like, being an initiator non responder in, like, relationships, like, feels really different than being an initiator non responder in, like, my business or my project. But I think partly that's because, like, my business and my projects feel like at this, like, at this point in time have just been, like, very me.

And so I don't have to, like, I don't feel the pressure to initiate and, like, respond to myself. And I think maybe that's even where I was, you know, getting out of, like. But then I don't quite initiate. Like, I do need.

I do need, like, a sacral, you know, push so often. So I'm gonna be. I'll be curious to see how that, like, unravels as I, like, try to be in relation with more, like, collaborators in that way.

But I think it also depends, like, in, like, relationally, like, you know, like, my baby's dad is a projector, and so neither of us respond, neither of us responds. And so, like, that. It just. It feels really different and it's taken a while.

I think we both had a lot of conditioning to respond or to expect response from the other. And, like, you know, as we've gotten to know each other, we just don't do that. I don't, but.

But with, like, my parents, it's totally different like that, like, that has required a lot more like fortification, I suppose, to be like, I don't need to respond to that right now. Like, I don't.

Like, even this morning I like, left some dishes, I left some dishes in the sink and my mom sees dishes in the sink and like, wants to wash them right away. Like, that's her response kicking in. And I, I don't have that. I'm like, ah, the dishes will just wait until I've got like a moment, do the dishes.

And sometimes that's at the end of the day. And if it were like my house, I just wouldn't wash dishes until it's like the very last thing on my to do list.

But I heard my mom and she was like, under her breath, was like, you could just wash the dishes as soon as you put them in the sink. And.

And there was like a part of me that like, wanted to like, respond, wanted to kind of like get into that, like, tit for tat of like, like and blow it up and just be like, why? Like, how dare you, like, try to direct my energy? And like. And I just was like, you're just gonna let it go? She's gonna.

That's her response in the moment.

Like, that's what she sees. That's what she thinks when she sees that, that's fine, I don't need to do anything to that.

But that, like, has taken years, you know, like, there were so many years where I would have been like, why are you saying that? Like, why can't you just like, let me do things my own way? Why can't you just. And getting, yeah, like getting into the anger, like, response.

I don't know where I'm going with that, but.

It'S like grasping for peace instead of just feeling that internal sense of peace. Right?

Yeah. Self reject, self acceptance instead of self rejection being the way that we come to, like coming to peace ourselves with that. We are non responders.

And I feel like part of what I heard you just say, Aaron Deira, is that you've made peace with it as far as your business goes.

Like, you don't pressure yourself to be somebody who responds in business, but it's maybe a little more difficult to make peace with that relationally because the reality is that like, we might be rejected because if somebody really highly values consistent interaction.

Right?

And I remember like something I was saying early, like from my early days of learning about manifestorness and like retroactively reflecting on relationship for me is that it feels like the people who Seem completely neutral about that. I will disappear for long periods of time. I will just drop off at some point.

Seem to also be the same people that like are registering in their body the impact and the value of my initiation. Like I think we talked about this a little bit on the last, on processing scarcity and valuing initiation.

This like con, like consumption versus metabolizing, like people who consume me, they're like, ooh, yummy, yummy, more, more, more. And then they keep wanting more.

But when people are registering the gravity of what I've brought through the initiation of our connection, their bodies are like, okay, I need time to integrate this also.

And so like there's some conscious or unconscious or the gradient of that in them that still is feeling connected to me while they're integrating what came through in the initiation, right? And so then it doesn't actually feel like an absence or like a withdrawal. It's like they're tuned into the organic way that we connect.

And I'm still with them because they're integrating my impact, right? And I feel that too.

I, I don't know how I would describe my experience on the other side of that, but like, I feel connected to everyone I've ever had. This experience of like realness and closeness and intimacy with like, I still feel connected.

And when I, when I feel my energy drop off, which often is experienced, like if I'm not in a, a non sacral depletion, peace, drought hole, what happens is my energy just goes somewhere else. And now I'm just like completely consumed with this person or this community or this project or this relationship.

But I'm not experiencing it as like, I've traded you for this. I'm just like, this is where the energy's going now.

But when the other person who I was really connected to last month or six months ago or four years ago crosses my mind, which they still often do, I experience this like love, you know, And I, on a mind level, I find myself like hoping that they're feeling that too. And then worrying about enter 5, 2, shit, double projection field shit, how easy it is for them to make assumptions about why I dropped off.

And then this brings me back to like, I want to be courteous, right? So like wanting to be able to use an emoji react or even just a short sentence of like, I heard you.

I don't know if I'm going to respond, but I felt this and I'm, I'm processing it, like wanting to let people know, like, I've heard you. I Hear you. But then it's like, where's the line? Because sometimes I don't have energy for even that.

Sometimes I don't have organic energy to even just inform. Like, I've heard you.

And so then, yeah, whereas the line between like being courteous and informing as a courtesy and informing because I want to help quell the doubts that show up in people's minds. And now I've shifted into my fifth line. Paranoia. Having to try to manage and control because it's gonna happen no matter what.

Like it's gonna happen no matter what. Those parts of people are gonna be present. The part that worries about why I disappeared and projects onto it and has like scarcity about it.

So this is where the like, I can feel your alchemy piece comes in. And what has been so present for me in collaboratory is like trusting you all to do your.

Do your own process around it because it is going to come up. Like projection will happen, scarcity will happen. Those moments will happen. Our discomforts will be here.

But it's so peace giving and space giving and relaxing to be able to notice when it's just a pressure in my own system.

And I don't actually want to emoji react right now or I don't actually want to listen to the voice notes right now or I don't actually want to say anything about what you just said. Can I locate the part of me that's like. And that doesn't mean I don't love you or care about you or that what you just didn't say wasn't sacred.

It just means I don't, I don't have anything for that right now. And that's not my fault. That's not your fault. It doesn't mean anything.

And it might mean something to you in a mind spin out, but I trust you to be able to be with that.

One of my best friends. One of the reasons we're best friends. He's an emotional generator.

But.

But when I like go dark, he can, he can sense it and I'll just like get a text that's like, hey, know you're dark. Just want you to know I love you.

That's so sweet.

Like, see you when I see you.

That's so sweet.

All.

All need.

Yeah.

Like trust you'll trust you'll be back. Trust you'll be like back in a relationship when you're like ready to be back in relationship.

But just want you to know I'm thinking about you and I'm like, I mean like, don't we all need just like generator friends like that? Or just like, I know that you. Like, I see you. I see that that's not, you know, it's not about.

I see.

Capable of that.

And I love you.

Exactly.

And I know it's not about me. Yeah, that piece. Right. I know it's not. I know your darkness, your manifest or ghosting, you're needing to drop out is not actually about me.

Yeah, right.

Sounds like he's not asking you, asking you to respond. Like, he's just.

No, no. Yeah.

Reaching out. Yeah.

Yeah. It's only my own internal narrative that's like, you should respond. And usually I will like a week later be like, thanks, I'm still dark. Love you.

Get back to you soon.

Yeah. Yeah.

One thing that I've like started doing with. With some of my.

Some of my people who want to be like, in more communication with me, I can tell, like, they want to be in more communication with me is, you know, sometimes I'll have like unread texts from them and like, I will feel the pressure of like, I need to respond to the thing that you said last instead of like, I can't like, send a one off text that doesn't respond to the thing that you said. Like, you can't have just told me a story. I haven't responded for a month.

And then I can't just send you a text saying, thinking of you with a heart emoji. Well, guess what? You actually can. I can.

So I have been trying that with a couple people where like, yeah, it's like, oh, there's like a mountain of paragraphs that like, I have not responded to and maybe sometimes have not read or digested, maybe voice notes that I haven't even listened to.

And like sending this just like when they cross my mind instead of going to the text box being like, oh, shit, like bad friend, blah, blah, blah, whatever stories I want to tell myself about why I haven't responded to it and what that means about me or our relationship or what they think about me. All of this AJNA stuff, I will. I've just started with a couple people just sending that thinking of you heart emoji, like when.

When they cross my mind.

Quinn, I feel like our text thread over the years has been a beautiful little example and like practice example of that and practice zone, like one of us will wall of text each other. And then like, I feel like our text thread specifically is a place where I don't pressure myself to even emoji back to even emoji back.

I feel that, and I can still feel you there, which is really, like, that says something about our friendship and how fucking cool that is.

And I'm thinking about the cancer thing again and, like, how part of our role as manifestors is like, we are the ones with the closed auras. We are the ones who cannot be controlled. We are the one tasked with maintaining peace.

And so in doing that, we are permissing others to activate their differentiated version of protecting the peace not being controlled.

And so, like us feeling in our bodies that I don't need to carry on this particular thread of the conversation is also the escape route for the generator or the projector, who doesn't want to continue it either. Because if we get into that cancerous loop of, like, I'm supposed to.

To, here's what I want to say, but then let me perform my good friendship by letting you know that I also heard what you said and trying to answer it back point for point, then they're going to be like, okay, now I have to do that because that's good friendship, right?

So by us just trusting our bodies and being like, this is done, and then waiting for what wants to be initiated instead, or hearing what they said and trusting ourselves to, like, carry through what we want to carry through, because we're not responders, we're initiators.

Like, it brings me back to the thing I often say that is like, I think this is true for all types, but there's a very especially pronounced version of this for manifestors that is like, when I trust my timing, my rhythm, my energy, it's creating the right conditions for everybody to be in relationship to me and to their energy. And when I force it, all I'm doing is like, continuing this cancer of inorganic responses that are so, so exhausting for everyone.

What that is inauthenticity. And inauthenticity tires me so much.

Yeah.

There.

It's such a. It's such an act of support for everybody when we. When we act according to our responsibility.

Right.

Like, when we're in alignment. And it also feels so good to hear, you know, from.

From one another, you know, like to just about you, Kelsey, with your text thread with Quinn, and, you know, there was a part of me that's just like, well, I hope that, you know, she feels like that with me and everybody.

Right.

Like, I hope that that's the case because that feels so good to know.

I have a nuance about that, though. This is like, part of. Part of the matrix. Of lab partners, Quinn and Amalia were talking about caveats.

And I've also been talking a little bit with Amalia about caveats. And I'm bringing this nuance, though, to the caveatness is that like.

Like part of initiating relationships is feeling each other out and like, giving each other context about our lives. Right.

So I've known Quinn longer than I've known you stuff, you know, like, Quinn and I had worked together on manifestor specific stuff for a while, and then because we had that shared context and like, had shared with each other about this part of the experience, it started to feel just more organic to leave each other unread than to offer the context. Right, Right. But like, with you, it's not that I don't feel any pressure. It's that I feel pressure. And where I am with my pro.

My wave and my emotional process is that I. There's maybe still sometimes some, like, caveats or extra informing I want to give you, but it doesn't feel bad. It just feels like. Right.

And like, maybe even after this conversation, that might change pretty radically. You know what I mean? Cause we're addressing it.

So just like sometimes the caveat, sometimes the disclaimer, sometimes the extra context into the informing is not self and is fear of rejection. And sometimes it's just like we're feeling each other out. I'm informing you, I want you to know things about. We're sharing.

We're trading information really to punctuate that too.

I mean, Kelsey and I have known each other for minimum 10 years, if not like 12 or 13, and we know each other from in person too. So there's like a huge difference on that. And like, there's such a difference too, of just like, like, there's. I think that like, for.

For this is speaking, like, none to like, what you're talking about stuff, but like, for. For me and like my.

Me and Kelsey, it's like I feel like there's this trust that, like, Kelsey's not going to disappear in a way that is ever, like a way where we're not going to be able to text thinking of you and have that, like, mean something. Yeah, yeah. Like, there's There. There's a really. Every year, I think I can say that we experience less and less pressure with each other because a.

You are. Have been a huge part of my impact of like, my own deconditioning. Right.

And so you can like, see me start to trust you more and more, I hope, I think.

And you can see and trust more and More that I'm not going to be perturbed by you pushed out, by you not responding, not talking to you for X amount of time or whatever. And that's just been like a learning curve. Like, like a, A pressure decrease learning curve that we've been on for a while.

Yeah.

Well.

And something that's come to mind as you're saying that is like, okay, we start where we are, you know, like, and where we are when we're new to each other, you know, just coming into relationship is a lot of conditioning and a lot of, like, we've had these expectations on, you know, ourselves, one another, in our families, in our systems.

Right.

And so, like, like, yeah. And then starting to inform, oh, here's, here's more about me. Here's what's likely to happen here. That this means this, this doesn't mean that.

And like, yeah, share with me anything that I need to know about you. You know, like the, the development of trust over time, acknowledging where we have been going into the relationships we're going into.

I, I even, yeah, even our exchange this morning stuff, I'm just feeling moved to reflect this back to you that I voice noted you first. Yeah, you voice noted me back like, and then I voice noted you again. And then you responded with a few lines of text. And I felt your text response.

It felt really good to me. I was like, okay, Steph's ending that exchange.

Like, you could have been like, oh, we've been voice noting, so I should share these last few thoughts here. But you were like, what did you say? Let's look at it. It was, it felt so good to receive. You were like, amazing. Thanks, Kelsey.

I will sit with the possibilities you offered. Will inform as developments come through. Right. So you did inform. You didn't just drop off, which Quinn might have, and that would have been fine.

But I, I also appreciate. I, like, I appreciated being informed of where you were in your process. Kate, that's enough information. I don't have anything left to say.

I'm going to sit with it. I'll let you know if I get clarity.

Like, and that was helpful communication that maybe even from what we were talking about today, I could see you being like, oh, did I not even need to say that? But I was glad to receive that information and I was glad to receive the energetic shift that was like, we're done.

And that, I think is something that. I know we might talk about that too in collaboratory at some point, but what has shifted since collaboratory, I would say.

And also Just all that I've taken in from you, primarily, Kelsey, over the last year with human design, but just this practice of, like, going in and sitting with. Okay, like, again, that very helpful question. What do I want to inform you of right now instead of what do I, you know, my need? Transference.

What do I feel like they need to know? What do they need from me? You know, like, I don't know. I'm doing this motion with my hands of grabbing.

Interesting.

Yeah.

I'm also sitting here and, like, you know, caveat. Caveat. I know what's happening here, but a little piece of me in is like, should I be better about informing?

Like, when I'm like, fear transference thing that you said.

Right. But I need motivation, and you're not your opposite. So that's fascinating.

But also it's like, yeah, it's both. Your need is aware that you don't need to. Right. But also there is. The relational context we're talking about is part of it.

Like, I feel like you and I did do that early on. There was more informing of, like, I'm gonna sit with that. Thank you. And now it's like, that's just known. Yes, because.

Because we know each other's mechanics and we trust each other's mechanics and we've watched it play out. So it's just known now.

Yeah.

Right.

Well, you all initiated me just now because I have had a to do on my to do list for forever. It just lives there and it gets moved week to week. I don't know if you all have this.

I know about them.

I have residents as well.

I got that.

Well, this to do is so vague. It just says respond email, slash texts. Because I have about, like, six text messages that I'm like, I should get back to that person. I should.

Oh, I need to respond to that person. I need to respond for, like, at least two years. Oh, you got one of those.

You can't see, but 37. 37 on red, Texas, you guys.

113 over here.

Oh, wow.

Oh, nice.

Bad, Bad.

Well, between all of the. The text, the Instagrams, that whatever. But so anyway, it's been on. There is like, respond. And every week I see it and I'm like, I just can't.

I just cannot do. I cannot do this to do.

And.

And so I don't. And I, like, push it off and it's, like, contributed to, like, more like, shame and like, like, why can't I do this?

Anyway, I just, like, went in right now and I changed it. To initiate, initiate, initiate emails, texts. And I was like, whoa. That's like.

And it's actually never occurred to me that, like, I could change that word and that I could reinitiate these text messages. That it's actually, like, I don't have to respond to these people. I actually get to reinitiate the conversations with them.

And anyway, that was just like, a really helpful reframing. So if any manifestors listening to this take the word respond off of your to do list and just. Just don't. Just don't have it there anymore.

Just don't.

Just.

Just don't.

Just don't reframe.

There was a very clear moment for me when I decided that all information and all communications were neutral information. I just decided that to be true for myself. And I just, like, do not answer emails any anymore unless I want to. It's crazy. It's free. It's very freeing.

So awesome.

Can I tell you a story, though? This is about you. No, no, no, it's great.

It's a good story because.

Because we're in this. Because we're in this room right now. But when we were doing Human design in color and I was like, going through my. Oh, my gosh, am I like a six line?

Am I a fifth line? And I think I emailed you. You.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then I never got a response from Kelsey.

Which.

But I'm saying this because I, like, I never took it personally, like, because I also just don't respond to the emails. And I was like, this person's still gonna be my friend. I'm just.

I was like, always had a lot of, like, clarity around, like, Kelsey and I like being friends. Just a weird thing. But I was like, well, that's not the way that I, like, Kelsey and.

I are gonna be friends.

So anyway, I mean, two or three years ago.

But I did point, initiate and acknowledge the email. Right.

I think you messaged me in the chat, like on Zoom.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. I remember being. You're like, I did got your email.

Yeah, I got your email two years ago.

Hey, it was like, weeks. Maybe a couple weeks.

Yeah. Anyway, it doesn't really matter, but no, I was like. But then I was like. Then we just like.

And I don't even know how we started connecting outside of that, really.

But yeah, it's just also like this etheric connection. Like, it's like this, like, energy fractal that. And I just.

I so appreciate when I can feel that other people can feel that as well, because it does feel like it permisses me and takes the pressure off of me to perform, like, 3D connection when there's just this, like, knowing, this, like, stolen glance, knowing that, like, we're connecting, we're doing this together. And I wrote down in my notes a little bit ago, I wrote down, I ghost you because I love you.

When I was thinking about the cancerous nature of the constant back and forth, I also wrote down, I've said this so many times, but it just so warms my heart every time. This alok quote, a manifester will always return to those who care about their peace.

Yeah.

Um, but another thing coming up for me, like, specific to your task, formerly known as respond, now known as initiate, is like, okay, every time I initiate, it opens a whole new full circle. So, like, for me, when I ha. I have at times, like, I will at some point go into these 37 unwritten texts and be like, which ones do I have?

Like, and sometimes what I do when I'm in that mode is I do reply or initiate something new. Other times I'm just like, okay, I didn't. I didn't need to. And I just leave it unread, you know?

Right.

But, like, I clear the slate for myself. But I'm bringing this up to say if I text any One of those 37 people back, it's going to be. I clear it and I'm like, relief.

And then I'm like, all right, and now we're back in it because you texted me back. Right. And like, that feels so impossible. And it's not that I don't want people to text me back.

So friends, anyone listening, like, fucking text me back if you have a response for it. Like, I trust. I trust you, you know, And I'm not like, receiving. I'm not over here receiving texts being like that.

There was a point in my experiment where that was the case, but that's not the case anymore. But.

But that metaphor, like, that applies to so many things where I feel myself, like, afraid to initiate so many things because I'm afraid of being trapped by everything that comes with after everything that comes after initiation.

Yeah.

I want to throw another thing in sort of along the lines of ways that have been helpful for me in convo as manifestor and, like, my unread texts. Like, I used to just, like, really.

Want to manifester memoir titled My unread text.

That's real notifications.

Yes. And the other email. This and that and that.

Yep.

Oh, and not. Let's not forget the phone calls.

Okay, no one calls me anymore.

Yeah, So like they know what's good for them.

If they want to get what they, if they, if they don't, they want to get something that they know they're not going to get.

So, you know, I used to like sit with the texts and be like, well, I can't respond, you know, whether it was like from some feeling of like guilt or shame or frustration or like just, you know, my timeline's unacceptable. Whatever sort of self judgments I was having. And then like would project into the, the text messages.

One thing that I sort of like permissed myself to do at some point was to drop into the conversations without caveats. Like it in without like, hey, sorry, it took me seven months to, to respond to you, but here's all the things and the reasons why.

Like, here's all my justifications that just like being like, oh yeah, let me add, respond to the ex, like with just like the content as if you had texted me yesterday and not like a month ago. So dropping into those conversations is one way.

Another thing is that like, if I have, if I like want, if I'm going to send a text to somebody who I haven't talked to in a second, but the last text, like, I don't know, came from me or something, there used to be a part of me and like there still is, you know, sometimes a part of me, but this was like a permanent part of me where I was like, well, I can't initiate from. And so like, like it. And so you saying that you're Indira about like initiation instead of response, that reminded me of that thing.

That is a lot of freedom in it.

And then the last thing is as I enter into new relationships, like new friendships, new collaboratorships, really informing up front has been so free, mean to me. So like, for example, my cousin and I just got back in contact after a couple years of not talking. And like he and I have a lot of wonderful things.

He's a poet and we always have a lot to say to each other. But I told him on the phone with him when we like first got.

It had taken like two months for me to respond to his text about getting on the damn phone.

And when I was on the phone with him, I went in and like tried to like subdue any shame that I had about having not responded and just had the conversation. Right. Similar to like dropping into a text. But then also like, we're allowed to set the precedents of our relationships, right?

And like we can set those precedents in A way that, like, does that ground level informing. So I told him, hey, look, like, I. I can't wait to catch up with, like, let's, let's phone soon. Let's do this soon.

And also, by the way, I'm really very not attentive to things on my phone a lot of the time, and it might take time for me to get back to you. And I just want you to know that, like, that's just a part of what's going on here here.

Like, you know, I didn't say specifically, like, it has nothing to do with you and whatever, but you insinuate these things.

And so, like I said, this precedent in this relationship where now I feel like a lot more freedom about just like picking up the phone and calling him, you know, or whatever it may be.

It's just really freeing to know that you can approach communication and ability from a place of peace and not from a place of guilt or shame, because that peace is like that acceptance. Like, I accept that this is how I respond.

And so let me, like, imbue you with this acceptance that I feel, and let me maybe help you feel a little more accepting about what I can do here.

That's it. That's how we condition with peace.

It reminds me what Kelsey and I were talking about the other day for our episode, that at this point of anyone hearing this will have been released, I believe, about victimy feelings. And yeah, Kelsey was talking about. Kelsey was talking about talking to. To Caitlin about something. And you were.

Kelsey was in a low and was feeling like, I don't want to, like, show up to this conversation. I don't remember. Maybe, maybe you can help me with this. But it was something about Caitlin understanding that, like, you, like, were.

Your low was still with you from a place of peace. So your low wasn't like.

Yeah, we were talking about Caitlin was like calling back, Caitlin has an undefined solar plexus, a defined Ajna. And Caitlin was referring back to something I had said to Caitlin a long time ago, which was that it felt really nice to land on their defined Ajna.

Like, as an undefined Ajna, it felt very grounding and stabilizing in that context to be with her. And she was reflecting back that even in Milo, it can feel like that with her undefined solar plexus.

And I think part of what I was taking from that is, for me, someone with a defined Ajna, but who's done the work of being in right relationship with their mind or is just in a moment of being with Right. Relationship with their mind to not make it so black and white. That feels nice to be conditioned by.

It feels like a landing point point for the instability of my undefined Ajna.

And she was basically reflecting back that same thing and how for her, it doesn't necessarily matter whether someone's in a high or a low if they have, like, integrated their emotional process. It doesn't necessarily feel unsettling. Even though the low and the high, like, are unsettling. Like, they. They are that. But just. Yeah. Talking about.

Yeah, like, I guess the piece of it coming through, like, us making peace with our highs and our lows allows for us to condition from a place of peace regardless of where we are in the wave.

Hell, yeah. That's it.

Okay, so do we. Can do we initiate from, like. Like, what am I trying to ask? I just don't. Like, I feel so. Like, when I have, like.

Yeah, so this is like, these are my hangups around, like, urge language, which I'm like, I don't know about this word, but it's what we have. It's what we use. But, like, I'll have clarity, and then, like, I'll have an emotional low. And it's like, my energy's low because my emotions are low.

But, like, the urge isn't. And I'm, like, still initiating the urge. It just doesn't look as active. So I guess it's like this question around, like, action.

Like, initiating is like action, like movement. Because I certainly, like, feel like I'm still acting on an urge when I'm in, like, an emotional low.

It just doesn't look the same as when I'm moving the urge when I'm in an emotional high or when I'm more, like, neutral. But sometimes I think that I have.

Haven't.

Like, it almost feels like there's been moments where I felt like I needed to wait until I was in a high to be able to, like, move on an urge. Anyway, I don't know where I'm going with that, but it's just, like, something that's been, like, maybe it doesn't even matter.

I want to know more about your discontent with the language urge, because I think that is part of this.

Yeah, I think. I think there's something about the word urge that feels very, like, immediate.

It.

Urgency. Right, Right.

What?

Urgency into that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think. I wonder if.

If it's a word that makes sense for, like, a splenic projector, an ego projector, because they can, like, access something, like, more quickly.

Than we can.

But, like, for me, like, an urge, It. Like, it builds it, like, it has. It's not, like, clear right away.

Like, it really takes time to, like, sense, like, what it is that's, like, wanting to come out of me. And so it feels strange sometimes to, like, call it an urge because I'm like. I. Like, I don't. I almost, like, can't move on it because I can't see it.

Like, it's, like, still. It, like, takes time for it to, like, like, become a little bit more cohesive. So then it's like, what am. I should. Like, it's almost like.

I don't know. Sometimes an urge feels like a do. Right. Like, now I'm doing something, which there's.

Like, pressure to it.

There's something to it that I, like, I can't quite, like, put my finger on.

I wonder about, like, the roots.

Yeah.

Peace in it.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Like, okay. Looking at your design right now, one of our only major differences is my root definition. We have all the other same centers. Define.

And, like, I'm thinking about so many threads we've already touched on in this convo. Like, the inner vision, outer vision thing feels maybe, like, part of this, but, like, I do gestate for a long time, but the. The.

I do resonate with the idea of urge. Like, it does feel like. Like there's something in me that's, like. I'm urging myself to, like, stay with the thing. But I am curious about, like.

Yeah, I want. I'm, like, curious what it. What does it feel like to you as things are gestating? Yeah. Maybe that's it for now. What does it feel like if not an urge?

Yeah, but I do. Yeah, I feel like the root has to be part of that. Right. Because, like, urge does feel so rooty.

And so I. I wonder if it points you towards your experience of your undefined root, which actually pulls you away from the experience of the thing actually building. Do you all have undefined roots?

Yeah. What I hear, too, is that an urge, like, blocks. Blocks you from flow, basically.

Say that again.

Blocks you from.

Like, root pressure.

Like, the word urge, like, makes you tune.

That's what I'm getting.

Like, the word urge makes you tune into your experience of root pressure, which, because it's openness, pulls you out of your actual timing and energy. Possibly.

Yeah. I mean, I've had moments where it's, like. It's felt like clarity, right? Where I'm like, oh, this is, like, the next thing I'm supposed to do.

And it's felt, like, almost immediate, but it's almost like, like, oftentimes those, like, really, like, clear urges, they don't come into fruition for, like, months or years after. And for me, sometimes, like, I hear the word urge and it, like, it feels like, oh, and now I start moving on it right now.

But like, for me, oftentimes, like, the urge doesn't become concrete until, like, time has passed. And so it feels like. And I'm, like, doing things to, like, to make the urge visible, I suppose. But there's just, like, a lot of invisibility.

But it's not even, like, gestating. Like, it's not inside of me. Like, something is already external and it's outside of me, but it just doesn't look like the.

The thing that I had envisioned. I don't know if that makes sense. Here's a very concrete example. When I was, like, trying to find.

I was like, trying to decide where I was going to go to for, like, university. I had my mindset on, like, going to the east coast. And we took a family vacation to Seattle, and my dad suggested going to visit this college campus.

And as soon as, like, my feet stepped foot on this college campus, it was like, I'm supposed to be here. Like, there was no, like, I don't. Didn't meet anyone on the campus. Like, didn't. I was just like, this is where I'm supposed to go to school.

But there's, like, only so much you can do to, like, get yourself, like, ultimately, like, that's a decision for the admissions, you know, so. And like. And I also had to, like, the only way I could go was to get a tuition. So there was, like, all of these, like, obstacles for me to get there.

And they all worked out. Like, every door opened, but it took, like, almost a full year for, like, that knowing to be made, like, manifest outside of me.

I was, like, submitting all the form. I was, like, doing all the things. So anyway, I guess, like, that's. That was an urge, but it is.

It didn't happen.

It doesn't feel that.

Yeah, I don't know.

Kelsey's got something.

I'm so. I'm just so clued into the mechanics right now. Like, you. That was spleen ego when you landed there, and you were like, I'm gonna go here. Right?

But you're split definition, so you don't actually manifest from spleen ego. So your urges aren't happening, happening from the splenic ego hits.

They're happening through conditioning when that links up or is separate, I don't know through the variation of how you can come together. But you don't even need to come together to initiate initiation for you, which for all of you, initiation is direct solar plexus throat.

That's not the case for me either. For me, my solar plexus doesn't go directly to my throat.

It's like this whole, whole system of me, including my defined root, comes online and initiates it once. So like on a larger picture, I just saw that so clearly when you said that about. Yeah, I looked at your body graph and I was like, oh, that split.

Right? Like the urge isn't that for you, but that's part of your process. So it's not. Not the urge.

But it makes sense to me that like, this is where I'm like, I tend to defend language a lot and I've been in my own process with urgent. I think the problem is more like homogenization and the way that people talk about things.

Not making, like, as a fifth line, I'm like, so many people talk about the manifestor experience and it's fucking not universal. And like it's spreading more homogenization.

Like a lot of the voices that we come into really early, I feel like, like some of the well known manifestors that people find when they first discover human design, I'm like, so much of what they shared with me resonated at first when I'm calibrating to like the really dense layers of the closed door. But then as. And this isn't their fault either. Like, they're not fifth lines, you know what I mean?

Like, then as they're talking about their experience and oftentimes naming it like it's universal, I'm like, I have to then calibrate back to myself and find the nuances of that.

And like, when you're at this level of watching yourself with this awareness map, you're gonna find so many ways that certain pieces of language and ways of talking about things don't hit for you. But so coming back to me tending to defend language, I'm like, the word urge isn't the problem problem.

It's the way that your mind orients to urge based on the conditioning and the homogenized use of the urge. Right?

Like an urge for you is an urge for you, and it happens through this split definition and it happens through however it happens in your body, which is actually different for every single manifestor. Right.

I love that.

Okay, I looked up the definition of urge.

Hell yeah.

Let's layer this in. So the verb is to earnestly or persistently to persuade someone.

Oh, my God, something full circle moment here.

Totally right. Recommend or advocate something strongly. Encourage a person to move more quickly in a particular direction. Encourage someone to continue to succeed.

And then the noun, of course, a strong desire or impulse. There was something about, like, persistence didn't really, like, stuck out to me. Especially, like, coupled.

I don't know.

I've been seeing this image of like two locking wheels or something of like my emotional wave that somehow I guess in this vision, it feels circular. And then like, so when something locks into it, like, and is. They're. They're turning together.

And then there's a.

That's what I've been discovering over the last, I don't know, year or two of just like. Because I used to get real frustrated with that emotional wave of like, ugh, oh, it's so slow.

But now really understanding that, like, no, no, no, no, it is turn. It is turning or it's moving. And like, it is so interlocked with this urge.

And if there's something that persists within the emotion or within the emotional wave, then I'm like, okay, this is sticking. Like, I kept saying with Sunny early on, I was just like, this has not gone away way. This is still here. Despite all of my emotions about it.

I wonder what Ra's, like, what his intention was. Because, you know, as a 51, he was like. He was specific about the language. You know what I mean? So I'd. I'd be. I don't.

I'd.

I would.

I doubt it exists, but I would love an opportunity to hear from Raw or from someone who knew Ra, like, if he ever talked about why he used to.

To that.

That word.

Yeah. No, I think how you just, like, described it based on my body graph. Like, I think like, that really helped clarify.

And you're right, it's not an issue with the language. It's just that, like, the language has felt out of sync with like an, like an experience. Right.

And I also don't feel like you were like, wanting to get at the word. I felt like you were. There was like, nuance to the experience you wanted to talk about.

Asking a question about the words word would like, that's absolutely. That's an urge you had.

Yeah.

You might say was. Was to like, like, talk about what does this word actually mean and how does it. How does it actually feel?

And a lot of times I find, like, I love language. I love.

I love asking myself what Words feel better, you know, like the, the experience of being raised Christian and kind of needing to take a break from God as a word at a certain point in my process and then replacing it with something that felt better and now feels fine, you know, And I do that a lot too with like, I've done that with like informing. You know, I have some, like, I have some anger about our strategy being political and a courtesy to others and not actually about us. Right.

So I played, I play with myself with like, what, what is my strategy? Like, how do I want to play with language, with a mantra that's for me and not for others? And like, that's felt really good. So.

Yeah, I just wonder about that. And Steph, when you were reading the definition impulse was like a word that I thought might be a fun thing to play with. I wonder if that, if that.

I wonder if there's any energy for that right now. Like, what are some other things that feel like. They describe the actual experience we're having when we are moved from this internal cue. What is it?

Quinn's smiling.

Because it's like, it's so gross. But sometimes it like feels like throwing up.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Like you have this thing that's building in you and building and building and building and then you're just ready to explode it out.

Or ejaculating.

Yeah. From that non sacral sexual life force.

Yeah.

Or giving birth. I mean, let's get back to the wombs.

Yeah.

That and the contraction.

Right.

Like bush.

Yeah.

Create. One of the languages. One of the phrases that I've utilized as like, this is actually what my strategy is.

It's not informing, is do things on my own terms. You guys have heard me talk about that. I a lot. And I wonder if there's anything there for like what is an urge.

It's when we move in any way on any micro macro level on our own terms, on the terms of like the internal cue. It's not one word. One word. It's many words.

Responding to our. What's coming from inside of us as opposed to outside. Yeah.

The word that's coming up for me is.

Desire.

And so it feels like.

I think what's felt hard lately is why I'm like, I'm having a hard time accessing my desire and it's hard to know where to go if I don't know what I want.

Want.

And. Yeah, I think that's also kind of like speaking to that internal stuff of like, what is it that, like what, like what do I want And.

And sometimes, like, maybe even, like, an urge feels scary because it's like, am I, like, can I want this? Like, can I desire this? Is this, like, am I allowed to desire this? X, Y. Because that's, like. That's the feeling.

I'm, like, remembering, like, these moments where, like, the. And maybe it's also like, my 35, 36, you know, this, like, I just, like.

I want to have this experience, like, the desire of, like, the new thing that I've, like, never done before. And it's just this, like, overwhelming sense of, like, I just want. I'm. I want to cry. Like, I want to cry because I want this thing so badly.

And if I, like. I don't know what will happen if it, like, doesn't come into existence.

And I haven't felt, like, that kind of desire, like, that deep longing for something in a really long time. And it's also, I think, related, you know, I, like, have been floating with, like, longing, desire, seduction.

But I do think that, like, once we locate that desire, like, it's actually in us to, like, seduce it, you know, like, we, like, seduce it into existence. Like, we, like. Yeah. We, like, say, come to me. You know, like, part the seas. Like, I am going to. To, like, anyway. So that's.

That's a little bit of, like, what it feels like for me, I think, if I'm really honest about it. It feels like longing, desire, seduction. It's very, like, erotic.

Definitely. And just the. The image.

Actually, maybe I say this real fastest, Steph. Real. Like, maybe it's because I've been in mom mode for so long.

Yeah. Yeah, sorry.

Maybe it's like, mom, mom. Like, mom mode. I, like. I'm trying to bridge mom plus the erotic.

But, like, mom motherhood has been, like, so conditioned to be, like, an erotic that it's like I'm like, that's not true. So anyway, I think I'm, like, also kind of, like, making my way through that, so.

Talk about not responding to.

Well, for.

For nine months, we're responding to something that's inside of us but then fucking outside of us. And then it's hard. It's so hard. But, yeah, I had the image, too. The seduction.

Like, you know, oh, man, this is what I love most maybe about being a manifestor is this, you know, dance with the unseen. The less tangible. Like, I went on a hike in. In this prairie, actually. That's pictured behind me over the weekend.

And, like, all of a sudden my ancestors showed up, like, in this field, and I was like, oh, you know, and I was like, I don't know if that is that. I just don't have whatever the. I always say the corner on this market to like be channeling the ancestors.

But I feel like there's that going on for manifestors too. Is like we're not. Yeah. This whole responding to, I don't know, spirit, mystical. Like there is a mysticism component I feel in my own experience.

Well, I've like, I don't know who talks about it this way, but as us being more connected as manifestors being more connected to the cosmos than other.

People, that's source material. Yeah. Reflectors and manifestors are more connected to.

To affected by the transits versus generators and projectors affected by intrapersonal conditioning.

But not just transits, even kind of go beyond that, you know.

Well, this is now a cosmological conversation around what are transits like? To me, the transits are the program that is God, that is source.

I love it.

Right. Are you tracking what I'm saying? Yes. Okay, cool.

Correct.

Yeah. However it speaks to you.

Oh, that's where I get urges. I get big urges that can't be negotiated with. When like the aurora numbers are good.

Like I have to go out, I have to go out and I have to stay up all night and I have to witness the sky, whether or not it gives me the lights. Sometimes it just gives me the Big Dipper, you know, and Orion and everyone else up there. But that, ooh, that feels like an urgent, like on a.

On a really tangible day to day basis for me.

I have two things that maybe will do the thing that none of us do, which is usher towards endings.

Right.

One is practical and one maybe will stem from that on like a nice little universal ending note.

The practical one is like the moment that was just had, the series of moments that was just had by seeking to understand Arundira's internal experience of an urge based on Arundira's mechanics. And one of the things I mentioned that's relevant to that is the split.

But then I heard you start to really calibrate to your experience of your actual manifested channel, the 35, 36.

And so just offering that for other manifestors in a process of calibrating to what is this experience of initiation, manifestation, urgent, moving from that internal tick as guided by cosmos. What is that for you?

You know, for some manifestors it might be a couple of channels together, but like, that is what manifestation is.

Is.

So everything about the urge, about initiation, it's gonna have that color in it. And then the other thing I was starting to feel into is maybe a little gentle heresy here of like, Okay, which piece of this matters?

Erin dear, your wave is collective, right? Your urge is collective, your manifestation is collective. And we are in such a specific collective moment.

I'm hearing you say, like, I'm trying to make this universal, but it's having to come through the specific of you at least to start, I'm hearing you say, like, I haven't felt that kind of desire, that kind of 35, 36 longing in a wise. And I'm thinking about how we're in such a fucking liminal moment right now.

And when we decondition and we learn to listen to our bodies, we are surrendering to a timing that is very outside of the comprehendable mind, that is very outside of what we want from a homogenized place. So like, I guess the question that I would, would, would guide people to is the like, Is it.

Does it have to be a problem that you haven't felt that clear in a while, right? Like we're not. Your body is guiding you right now. That it on the big level, the macro urges, the macro initiations, it's not time yet.

And yeah, we have these little mini urges all the time. We have these little mini ways that we move and initiate all the time.

But to hold the collective wave in your process, that's a different kind of timing. That's not actually about you as much as it might be for someone whose urge comes through. All three of our stuff comes through individual circuitry.

Mine also has my collective and my tribal. But the point of reaching the throat is individual. Yeah, that's really helpful to make it even more universal.

Even if you do have an individual wave or a tribal wave, or a tribal channel that gets to your throat, that makes it your urge. We are locked into this co created reality and.

And I felt like for a long time I've been watching manifestors pull back and it feels like we are all pulling back to upload because it's gonna be needed, you know? And it's not universal in that we're all gonna activate at once.

Like, I feel myself activating lately after years of not, you know, but it's not up to us. It's not up to our mind's timing. And it's like, yeah, how much can we honor that? How much can we honor? Like, why do I think I need to be.

Be initiating right now?

And then this constant practice of protecting the peace and trusting the timing of the body and trusting that it's never going to look like what our mind thinks it should, because if it did, it wouldn't be the sacredness that it is.

Surrender.

Surrender to form against the cosmos.

I think you should hit the stop button. Sa. Sam.