Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle is a serialized, comedy, audio drama. Listen to the stories of four ladies who started a rap battle in a Manitoba correctional facility during the 90s. In this episode Chop Suzzy gives Miss Minj a tattoo while Chartreuse meets up with Mabel and Lady Ping Pong.

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A full list of music and sample credits can be found here: https://www.patreon.com/posts/57901336

In 1998, a radio producer was allowed to record in a Manitoba correctional facility.

These are the stories of the women inside.

[Song Lyrics] Come on now! That's right!

When I say hard you say time. Hard!

[Chorus] Time! When I say rap you say battle.

Rap! [Chorus] Battle!

That's right suckers! Chartreuse's Epic Rap Battle!

Come on, Come on! Get in mate.

Correctional Officer: Rolling back the bars.

I just stand there for a sec.

Yeah.

Keep a lookout will ya.

Is it clear?

It looks that way.

Right, right, right.

Come on out then.

Sure is, hot under your bed.

Let me introduce you to Chop Suzzy.

She does the best ink in the yard.

Now I said, I draw on you today.

I never said nothing about giving one to this guy.

Take it easy.

This is the documentarian I was telling you about.

We agreed on one tattoo.

I never said I do a second.

Stop acting like a cheeky sod.

We've only got one hour.

All right then, roll up your trousers.

You want it right here on your ankle?

Yeah.

That's the spot.

That's going to hurt like the dickens.

Yeah, don't worry.

It's not my first time round.

I've got all sorts of tats.

Yeah, this one here on me shoulder that's me boa, constrictor, Frank, God rest him.

Yeah, and this one over here on me arm, that's a lyric to an LL Cool J song.

Cause you know, the lyrics changed my life.

Whatever you say, you ready?

Yeah, let's get it going.

Oh, for fuck sake.

Don't start there.

That's the middle of me fucking

ankle.

Start a bit higher.

Sorry.

I figured you'd want to get the worst over from, to get go.

No, no, I don't want to do that.

I want to work up to it.

You know what I'm saying?

Like give me a

chance to get used to the needle.

Sure thing.

Fuckin' hell.

I don't know what Suzzy's thinking.

Who starts on the fucking bone?

No one.

I haven't gotten a tattoo in two years, you know.

Give me a chance to like, uh, climatize myself or whatever.

What's the tattoo going to be?

Well, you know, it's like kind of a secret, uh, you know,

it was a bit of luck, a surprise.

It's a Care Bear.

Suzzy!

What the hell?

That's my tattoo, isn't it?

Yeah.

I should be able to tell the man what my tattoo is.

Anyways, Cuddles birthday's coming up this weekend and the tattoo

is like a present, you know.

It's going to be like a teddy bear with like Cuddles name written on top.

It's going to look really cute.

Cute.

Nah, mate Cuddles' name is going to be written in like old English.

Not proper gangster.

You never said nothing about no old English.

Well course I said something about old English.

All gangster text is written in old English.

You don't see like, uh, a 'West Side' tattoo in like Comic Sans, right?

You're not going to write 'Thug Life' in Times New Roman.

We can do it, but it's going to be a little extra.

What?

You shaking me in the middle of a tattoo session?

I'm just saying Times New Roman is pretty gangster in my book.

Right whatever, just hurry up.

I need you out by a two o'clock yard.

Suite yourself.

So you have a relationship with Cuddles?

What you saying?

Just because I'm giving somebody a present for their birthday suddenly I'm a les?

Like If you had a friend named Danny and you gave him a watch,

I'm not going to go around saying, 'oh, he's given us old, Danny boy

and the rusty wheel wagon,' right.

I'm not going to go telling everybody that you're licking Danny

boy's old balloon knot, right.

But I guess in the world we live in friends aren't allowed to give a

present on somebody's birthday anymore.

I think what she's trying to relate to you is Minj is straight,

I'm straight, Cuddles is straight.

But some of us don't mind a little company at night, as long as the ladies

on the yard, don't know about it.

Minj been down for seven years and she still got eight to go so

why not move a little hottie in the cell and see where it goes.

Oi!

Suzzy!

What I just say?

Start with a letter and at the top, you know.

Give me a chance to climatize.

I've got a case against the CSC in the works.

Me and some other folks is suing the prison for the right to have

emotional support animals in here.

Like a service dog?

Yeah, just like that.

You know, I mean, blind people need, they seeing-eye dogs.

You ain't going to tell them they can't have that.

But you know, other folks is dealing with anxiety and depressions.

Those people need a little love too.

If I was in here with my cat, Bear-Bear, I never want to leave.

Chartreuse, hey girl, you in there?

Oh shit, that you Mable?

You talking through the vent?

You best believe it's me.

Hey, did you get the kite I sent you?

Girl, I got your message.

Shouldn't you be a medical?

When you fake a heart attack and they figure it out.

Yeah, they send you here.

Oh yeah, you know, that's true.

Shit, well good looking out girl.

You hooked a sister up.

I don't know about all of that?

I'm just trying to get paid.

Bitch, I told you I'd make it worth your while.

I'm just saying I could be lying on my rack watching Dawson's

Creek, but instead I'm stuck in here eating bologna sandwiches.

Oh hey ladies, welcome to the SHU.

Who dat?

Oh it's me, Lady Ping Pong, from the E-block.

This ain't no party line.

Go find yourself another vent.

Oh, okay.

Well, I guess you bitches don't want any of my product.

I got them mother fucking soap motherfucking pomade,

and motherfucking shower shoe.

Oh damn, you got them shower shoes, girl?

Sure would be nice to have a pair of shower shoes up here?

Yeah, you can't be too careful.

You never know what living in them shower tile.

I don't care about no shower shoes.

Haven't you been listening?

I'm trying to get it my money.

Come on, Mabel.

We'll talk later about your goddamn money.

I need to do some business with Miss Ping Pong here about them shower shoes.

Yeah, kick rocks Mabel.

This line is tied up for business.

So after Mabel's heart attack, we decided to postpone

the rap battle till Friday.

So, you know, tomorrow night we'll do it.

And you know, really, if I think about it, the truth is I don't

want to win from a forfeit.

I've got mad skills.

So, I want to be able to look Chartreuse right in a peepers when I win and

say, 'Who's the rap grand master now?'

Oye mate, hey, you're right on me nerve.

Take it easy.

This next part's going to hurt.

Probably better if you don't look.

Whatever.

Ask me another question to get me mind off the pain.

Okay, uh, can you, can you talk a little about

how Cuddles ended up in prison?

Uh, right, you want to know about that, but you know, frankly,

you know, it's not for me to say.

Like I told you before I respect other people's privacy.

Wasn't she part of some cult.

Suzzy, mind your manners, eh.

It's not for us to say.

Some cult up in Vancouver, if I'm remembering correct.

Didn't they cut off some guy's penis?

Oh fucking hell Suzzy.

You're unbelievable, you know that.

That's not even how it goes.

Now I've got to tell him about it to set the record straight.

Uh, So it wasn't a cult.

It was like, um, one of the new age type of religion, you know.

I believe they called it the Mother Cell.

Right, so they had some sort of like organic farm, like co-op out in the sticks

with a bunch of them like colorful Tibetan prayer flags hanging from everywhere.

I think it was all a bunch of birds out there in that farm.

And, you know, they get their jollies from like frolicking about naked

in the moonlight and what have you.

So, you know, the summer solstice, comes round and for folks like

Cuddles in them, that's like their Christmas Eve or whatever.

So, you know, you've got to get proper pissed.

You can't do Christmas Eve without getting minced, right?

So Cuddles jumps in a pickup truck.

Heads down to the bottle shop.

She picks up a bottle of vodka, couple of jugs of pineapple juice as you do.

And as she's driving back through the dark she spots a hitchhiker

on the side of the road.

You know, imagine some geezer standing with his thumb

out the middle of the night.

Yeah, well, that's.

She pulls over and asks him , you know, 'Where you're going?' And

he's like, 'Oh yeah, broken down.

Need to use the phone.' And she says like, 'Well, you know, I haven't a

bit of a party why don't you come out to the farm?' Anyways, they get

back to the farm and it turns out this guy was like, real wank job.

Before long he's walking around the party, chugging straight

from the bottle, spilling all over himself, like a real slob.

So when they get ready to do like that pagan Christmas chant or whatever, he's

like, 'Hey, I got a ritual for you.

Why don't one of you birds come over here and suck on me knob?' Course like,

I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Well, you know, there's not much they can do, but ignore the bloke.

So there's a, a little meadow next to the house.

So they go down there, they sit in a circle, they started like a meditation.

Cuddles, just telling them like, 'Oh, breath in and give thanks to the

Mother Cell or, you know, whatever.

But it's difficult to do.

Cause they can hear the hitchhiker bloke inside and he's swearing

up and down like, 'I'm going to fuck every last one of you cunts.'

And you know, I can't say what he meant by that.

But to me it sounds a bit rapey.

You know what I'm saying?

Luckily, the guy's so trollied, he couldn't even figure out

how to open the front door.

Right so, you know, they keep praying outside and Cuddles tells them to listen

to their hearts and that the Mother Cell will provide and all that shit.

And right as she's saying that the house bursts into fucking flames.

Can you believe it?

Like one moment it's just fine and the next it's like burning so hot that they

can't even stand next to it, right.

So Cuddles thinks, like this is her theory, that the hitchhiker bloke was like

trying to make a frozen pizza or whatever.

And you know, to me that makes sense because when I'm pissed I always

wanted to dance to the chippy.

So, you know, like there's one part to the story that always seems a bit odd to me.

Like the coroner said that his willy wasn't attached to his body

when they pulled him from the ashes.

You don't find that last part a bit irregular?

I mean, penises don't usually just wander off.

Oh fucking hell Suzzy.

That's lovely.

There you go.

I put some gauze on your ankle to stop the bleeding.

Well, it sounds like that's two o'clock yard.

I should probably head out.

Yeah right, thanks Suzzy.

You know, that was top, real professional like.

Cheers.

Hey Cuddles.

Good to see ya.

Hey Suzzy.

Oh yeah, you're back from work already, then?

They let us go early.

Well, you're probably wondering what Chop Suzzy's doing in our flat.

Not really.

Yeah right, well fine.

I was going to wait until your birthday.

But seeing as you already figured it out, I'll just show it to you now.

Okay.

Keep in mind like, it's still a bit raw.

But, you know, have a gander.

Who is Tuddles?

Fucking hell.