Shownotes
Joining us on the Mental Wealth podcast this week is the amazing Becky Field. We dive deep into the topic of boundaries.
Together, we explore the importance of establishing boundaries to maintain your happiness and safety in various aspects of life. From personal relationships to professional endeavours, we're going to really drill down and discuss how setting boundaries can empower you to lead a more fulfilling and balanced life - Sometimes it's okay to just say no!
Make sure to check out Becky's work and give her a follow:
https://westfieldcoaching.co.uk/
https://www.instagram.com/beckyfieldcoach/
Also in the episode, we mention the power of journaling and we have created a journal to get you started
A Path Travelled - Wellbeing Journal, available to buy now! https://2-minds.co.uk/product/a-path-travelled-journal/
To find out more , or to get in touch:
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YouTube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCPWMpkuAeRq5qkgrxbZsx_g
Want to be a guest on the podcast?
https://2-minds.co.uk/mental-wealth-podcast-guest/
Transcripts
Episode 38 - Boundaries
Transcript
::Welcome to mental wealth, the podcast to invest in your mind. Here I will help you make sense of your mind and behaviours, giving you the tools to have your best life. There is so much to share, so let's get into this episode and explore another great topic.
::Welcome to Episode 38, and in this episode we're going to really drill down and talk about boundaries, boundaries to keep you happy, boundaries to keep you safe and boundaries for all sorts of things. And I'm delighted to say that I'm sharing this space with a very special lady, so I'd like to welcome.
::Becky field.
::Ohh, thanks Alison. It's lovely to be in. Thank you for asking me.
::Oh, it's brilliant. So tell.
::Everyone a little bit about you first.
::OK, so I'm a dog mum. I've been partners with Alan for just over 30 years. I can't believe that, I live in Marple. I've worked from home. I work with small business owners, but also coaches as well just to look after their well-being while they're running the business.
::And and yeah, that's that's may I have newly found love of the gym.
:: ::In the last six months, which I'm delighted about and.
::Yeah, I have.
::Very, very firm boundaries, which is always a good sign.
::Isn't it so a perfect person to have in on this episode. Cause I think one of the things I observe, you know is.
::The way that we all are.
::Wired, aren't we? To be liked, to want to do things that please people. But it just means that we are probably going to.
::Not put ourselves first or not have a boundary that keeps ourselves safe, and I'd love us to just explore some of the challenges as to why we don't do it. And then also lots of tips on how to keep and if you're the queen of boundaries then.
::You can definitely.
::Share some insights for us. So let's have just think about some of the behaviours that I certainly see and I'm sure you do as well. Becky, why people find it difficult to stick to a boundary, create a boundary, don't even realise that they need one. What kind of?
::Things do you.
::Often hear people say?
::Well, I think to be honest, sometimes it's because it's generational. So they're just doing what they've always known to do. The expectation that that is to continue the pattern for some people. They desperately desperately want to be liked, loved, nurtured, all of those things, but quite often.
::Which we obviously we need, that's just a normal a normal thing and but usually it's because.
::You know, they they haven't. I suppose sometimes they just haven't ever stopped to ask themselves what is important to them. Yeah, it's not really a place where most people go. Do you know what I think I'm going to think about myself today.
:: ::I think you raised a good point. I think just not. We're so in auto. Aren't you with day-to-day lives. We have a lot of patterns and habits in our day. You know, we you might have the same routine in the morning.
::But you also have the same routine in the way that you think about things, and the way that you do things. And I think, you know, working with people like us helps create that space to pause and actually think, what do I do? Why do I do that? And what, what am I doing there and does it?
::Serve me and.
::Actually asking you self, does it serve you? Is it working for you?
::We often don't do do we? So that's our first thing, isn't it? Is that we actually need to stop?
::And think about what are we doing and what are?
::Not doing.
::Yeah. Yeah. And it's also about allowing yourself time to do that, which is, you know, if you're, you know, a busy parent or carer or you just like I say, we just don't do it. And often, you know, challenging ourselves to, to stop and just go. OK. But quite often, I was think I was saying to somebody.
::Yesterday, Alison, that quite often we reach a point where it's almost like the straw that's broke the camel's back. We reach a.
::Point that we can't take anymore and that's when we learn to stop and say. Now, what do we need to do and which is such a shame which is?
::It is, but I think it's a good point because sometimes we are ignoring. We know that we need to do different things, but we're ignoring, aren't we? And I think you know for for me the whole point of this podcast is to try and prevent people from hitting that brick wall. Yeah. Prevent the burnout, prevent the.
::Such a shame.
::Literally where people have broken themselves because they have pushed and pushed and pushed.
::Pushed in directions that are not right for them, and certainly put up with things that are 100% not right for them.
::Yeah. Yeah. And there's a saying in a lot of 12 step fellowships that I belong to. You know that we we get to the point where we accept the unacceptable or the unacceptable becomes normal. And both of those, both of those statements are absolutely true. And we just live.
::Except in the unacceptable because nobody's there to challenge and I think you know, that's where coaching comes in. As you know, it's invaluable.
::Where even if you just listen or watch or however you access any form of coaching, just to really stop and just spend 10 minutes just pondering certain questions that would make all the difference.
::I think so. I love to use the word curiosity there. You know, if you're just gonna pause, just even. Just self coach, just write stuff down. Write your thoughts down and just be in that space where you're just like, wow, I wonder why.
::Why I might be doing that or I wonder why that might have happened in there? There might be just some magic right there that just pops up for you.
::Yeah, absolutely. And obviously, your journal is just perfect to do that. Isn't it on a day-to-day basis, I remember no, it's fantastic. I think it's, you know, if anything like me, anything stationary, anything journaling, it's just fantastic. And again, it forces you to sit down and just think about your day and think about what you want.
::Yeah. Brilliant. Thanks. Yeah.
::Brilliant, I love that.
::So let's come back to boundaries then, and let's come.
::Back to one of.
::The things or.
::Some of the things that I hear people say.
::Which I think is critical to to say out loud, because that's the whole point of this podcast and lots of others is to hear other people saying these things out loud, that everyone's doing, or lots of people are doing.
::Because when we hear, oh, well, the people do that. OK. It's not just me. So all the things that I say are to show us that it's not just you and one of the things I hear a lot of people say around boundaries is they they're worried about feeling.
::Selfish, rude. It feels uncomfortable to for the first time, maybe to actually say no or yes, or something else.
::And I think.
::That needs just.
::Airing doesn't it just that thing about being rude or selfish because you've put yourself first, or you've you've said no to something? What's?
::What's your take on that, Becky?
:: ::Yeah, the that's definitely one of the things. But what I always say is give yourself time. You don't have to really cut it off as a firm. No, there's always ways of because I work with so many people who who lead with empathy, so they care too much, not that they can care too much, but that's how they feel.
::Care too much, they don't wanna say no, so I say, OK, let's look at the alternatives to. No. Let's look at how we can say no, but in a softer way that really suits the person, the individual saying it. So a lot of people are saying give, you know give yourself.
::The gift of time to go. Can I get back to you on this? Yeah. Would it be OK if I followed up in a week's time just to let you know where I'm at? And it's just that gift of time which will make the huge difference, especially if you're the sort of person someone says. Can you help me? And you just.
::Go. Yes, straight away.
::Exactly before they even know. Some people say yes before they even know what they're saying yes to, which is real against that wanting to please. Isn't it wanting to say yes because it they think that's the right thing to do.
::Exactly. Exactly.
::And I think one of the.
::And yeah, I I love your ideas and I would work with people in the same way of, you know, how can you say no without saying no? Can I do it here or, you know, would this be OK for this? But I think one of the flips that I often get people to think about is if somebody does that to them. So if someone says Ohh, I can't today, but I can next week.
::Is that OK? And of course.
::Yeah, yeah.
::Though why is it different for you? Why don't you remember that it's the other person? 9 times out of 10? You know, I always remind people. Unless you working in A&E.
::Where everything is an immediate.
::You don't need to be jumping like this and and I always think it's really interesting when you say to somebody who would it be OK if the other person?
::If a another person said this. Yeah, yeah, of course it would be fine. And maybe they're busy. Maybe they're just looking after themselves. So what? So when you hear somebody looking after themselves, what do you think of them? Well, I think they're great.
::Yeah, yeah. And it's and the another way is to to really acknowledge that vulnerability and saying to people, do you know what Alison, are really struggle to say? No. But I'm gonna have to say no in this case. And that is so open and transparent. People know where they stand with you. And also it's not you don't stumble over your words.
::But but because actually and that's where there's something called the winners triangle that I always use, where assertiveness is top of that triangle that says OK.
::Like I really struggle with saying no, but I'm going to have to say no at this point and and and that is everyone's so grateful cause what that does is give your give the other person's permission to say no as well.
::Nice. Yeah, look up.
::Which is just so lovely.
::Yeah. One of my things, Becky, I don't know whether you've come across this before. One of my things is when people say yes.
::If they say yes wholeheartedly because they want to do it, they've got the capacity to do it. They've got the energy, they've got the time. Great. But at the minute you say yes to something that then trigger.
::It's anger, frustration, overwhelm any any negative emotion where you're suddenly saying yes where you might be blaming yourself. Saying yes, you might be blaming the other person for making you do this thing, making you when you said yes, I call those.
::Dirty yeses.
::I like that. I like that.
::Because you've not said yes wholeheartedly. You've said yes and underneath.
::You're riddled with annoyance, frustration, anger, etcetera. That's not a yes.
::No, no. And I think that's lovely because actually if we think about, you know, coaching and coaching models, clean language is basically being transparent, is being really, really clear. And so that's a really good contrast to dirty yeses.
::Exactly. But, but if you but a clean, yes would be. Yes, of course. And I can do it. And I feel great about doing it. I feel energised. I feel happy if there's a bit.
::But we've got to do either your softer yes and say I can, but not now. Or could I do it then? Or is there an alternative or whatever? Or maybe sometimes we do need to be brave and just say no. That's not right for me because that's the other thing that I think we we lose sight of is being authentic to ourselves. You know, there's.
::Is wanting to fit in.
::Is trying to do things because people are telling me it's the right thing to.
::Do, but if it's not, what?
::You want to do.
::And you can say actually, no, I don't want to go that place or do that thing and then tap into that feeling of having empowered yourself. I think that is a special space.
::That is quite weird for lots of people because they don't feel able to say no and then they don't really enjoy the feeling of having said no. So they get the whole things lost.
::Absolutely. And then you then you're in this vicious cycle of berating yourself, but another another thing that I've said actually early this morning to somebody was, you know, even if you can't do it, but you can volunteer somebody else or introduce somebody else who could do it, that is still helping.
::And a lot of people I work with are natural helpers and and they really, really want to help. But sometimes by actually putting them in front of somebody different is is helping even more because you're literally helping somebody else, but also making a great introduction to people.
:: ::Yeah, I love that, brilliant. I think something else that popped in my mind when you said that Becky was.
::There are times where people are asking us to do things that that aren't the right thing, not because you need to say no, but because the other person needs to take responsibility for themselves. And again, there are lots of people, particularly women, who get involved in doing things that.
::Actually, the other person needs to take that whole heartedly responsibility and actually by doing it you're you're creating and continuing.
::The problem?
::Yeah, absolutely. And and again, if you don't mind me saying in 12 step fellowships, they call that enabling, you know, we're enabling people to stay in a position where they they don't take responsibility, which is really hard, especially like you say, parents, women, whoever who feel overly responsible for somebody.
::And but I always like to say it's like a safety net and sometimes some people need to fall so that they then take that responsibility.
::And it's it's really.
::You know, for for somebody who's empathic who's caring so much, they find that really hard just to pull that rug under.
::Yeah, but I've from experience. I've seen the power of of stopping, enabling people, and and how empowering that is to the person. Like you say, to give them responsibility. And it's just wonderful to watch.
::It really is and I think.
::Suffer some and I'm sure you you've got a few people in your mind, as I say this.
::For them to be able.
::To say no or not me.
::If they think they are maybe helping the other person, sometimes that can be the driver, can't it? So actually when they get their heads round, if I keep saying yes to this person, I'm just disabling them, I'm just disempowering them. If I'm saying no. But actually, ultimately I'm helping them. Then some of those empaths find that.
::Easier, don't they? To say, well, I'm doing it because it's the right thing to do for.
::That person then.
::They're again, they're not that self focus.
::Yeah, absolutely. And I, there's an exercise that I do is draw the line down the middle. So if you're saying no, what you're actually saying yes to. On the flip side, so like you say, if they're saying no.
::But actually thinking of the other person, because that's the only way that they can work or is that's their natural preference, they will go well. What that actually gives them is the yes, to them being responsible to standing on their own 2 feet to find in their own direction.
::And really hard, really hard for people.
::Really is, but again, it's that trialling these things isn't, you know, we, you and I can sit here. I know. For me personally I've learned boundaries. I didn't used to.
::Have them. I've learned, yeah.
::But one of the things that I think is really important to remember is that we we all know lots of things that we should be doing.
::Boundaries being one.
::Of them. But until you've had a try and started to feel comfortable with the benefit.
::Yeah, you individually won't probably try it, so it's a bit like going to the gym. You know, first you don't feel the benefit, it's hard work, it's, you know, more, more, more, less motivated then suddenly, oh, you start feeling a little bit nicer in your clothes or just a little bit fitter or you, you know, you can you can see the results on the machine.
::And then you're motivated. So for me, some of these things that we've gotta try and get going, we have to push ourselves very consciously to make them happen and then eventually it's like, yes, it does work. I'll keep doing it rather than it be just something that somebody else is telling you you should.
::You doing?
::Yeah, absolutely. And if you're anything like me, someone tells me I should do something. I dig my heels in even further. Say, you know, say to people just practise saying these things to the mirror, you know, I'll get back to you.
::On that or practise.
::With your friends who aren't gonna who know what you like but who aren't gonna respond in a way that's really negative.
::If you say no, just say. Look, can I? You know, even with your closest friends?
::I'm just practising something for a month. If I say no to you, will you? You know and and just do it that way. And saying go. I'm sorry.
::And just to say cause we've got to feel the benefit, haven't we? We've either got to feel the benefit of taking that ownership of self and our time and our energy.
::We've got to be able to learn how to check in. I mean, I think that's the other thing that I often think if we could create some sort of a little checklist, if somebody asks you to.
::Do something or.
::You need to do something as in a job. It might just be to go somewhere or do something. I imagine if we could have like little checklist you know, do I want to do it? Have you?
::Got the energy to do it.
::I have got the money to do it have.
::We got the capacity.
::To do it so basically tick tick tick. I'll wholeheartedly say yes, but as soon as there's a, you know what? I'm not feeling it. I'd feel a bit tired. Burned out. We've got to learn to check in with ourselves, haven't we?
::Yeah. And I do that. I have three questions. So if I want to buy something, so I have three questions. So it's funny you should say that, can I afford it? Will it make me happy? Most things usually do make me happy Alison, to be honest. And does it fit the bigger picture?
::You know, always at a bargain. I love a bargain as well. That's being brought up in Southport with car boots, but loads of questions. So if I say 3 yeses to it, I will go.
::And buy it.
::But like you say, you know, ask yourself so choose three questions. I always say use the language that you like. So like you say, do I really want to go?
::You know, do I really wanna go?
::Will this make me happy?
::Whatever is driving that person. So whether it, you know will it does it mean a greater connection with my friends, whatever is driving? Just asking yourself like you say those three questions and again that is part of that gift of time. Yeah. If you're happy. 3 questions.
::You're not saying yes instantly. Can I bet. Get back to you. Can I get back to?
::You tomorrow perfect.
::This gives you that gift of time.
::Yeah, and remembering that if somebody else does that to you, usually it's OK. So why isn't it OK for you to be the one that's taking that step forward?
::Let's talk a little bit about.
::Self boundaries Becky and kind of how you because you've obviously just shared with us that you've you've recently started the gym and you love the gym. What about self boundary?
::It's because sometimes it's easier, isn't it? To set a promise with somebody else. Yeah, you don't wanna let them down. But then when it comes to ourselves, we can be the first ones to stop doing something. Because Ohh, it's only us. I I know that. I know that that mechanism.
::Yeah, yeah.
::Works for me if I promised somebody else.
::Then I'm much more likely to do it if I promised myself, and if.
::Yeah, you can dish. I might not go. What's your thoughts on that to the self and what's your strategies if you've got yours?
::So yeah, no, it's, it's again, it goes back to what's more important. So I mean, I don't, I'm not a fit fit person by any stretch of the marks. And I and I always used to say to myself I'm not a morning person.
::And again, it's similar to the boundary stuff is where when it gets to a certain point, you know it's not really an option anymore. So for example, I'm tell you the story anyways, I I was put on statins.
::And they didn't make me feel good at all. I was on them for two years, made me feel awful, but I didn't know it was that. I just thought it was at that age, blah, blah, blah. And anyway, once once I decided to come off them and I felt a lot better.
::Then I had to make a choice either.
::I go back on them.
::Or do something about it. So again I reached a point where.
::I had a.
::Choice. And again I have to ask myself, what do I want more? And for me, I don't want to feel the way I did on starting. So what do I have to do? I have to go to the gym and start doing something to strengthen.
::Right. So signing a little hook, it's like a little hook really.
::Yes, yeah, absolutely. And and it's like anything, you know, I don't deprive myself of anything I was, I really don't. But it's kind of like, do I want, you know, if we talk about weight loss, anything like that. Do I want this cake more than I want the loss today? When I was doing loads of loads of diets.
::Then isn't it?
::I don't do them anymore, but it's things like that it's weighing up.
::You know, if I say yes to this again, what I'm saying no to.
::Yeah, I like that, yeah.
::You know, and that's how I do it.
::I make make.
::Me sound like I'm perfect. I'm really not.
::But we're being inspired by you because you said yourself you recently found the gym as as something that obviously is working for you. So I think it's, it's always good to hear. You know what, what is needed? Something that I sometimes do for myself, particularly if I'm tapped into.
::Feeling a little?
::Depleted a little bit. Overwhelmed, maybe just not quite right. A little checklist I often have for myself is what am I doing too much of?
::Yeah, yeah.
::What am I not doing enough of? What should I stop doing altogether? Yes. What should I start and and the stop and start usually has just one whereas the other two might have a couple of things cause I might have suddenly realised I've stopped.
::I don't know whatever listening to some podcasts that I used to listen to that I really enjoy, but doesn't matter what it is, but to me it's that you know one small thing that you could just start doing, cause I know for a lot of people, especially with the way that we all Live Today, there are so many things that you can be doing.
::For for well-being and for your.
::Yourself. And as we become disabled, don't you? Because there's almost too many and we can't possibly do them all. And you know then the self beating comes in.
::Exactly. I'm just. It's funny you should say that, I've just started a book called just one thing and it is. It's every single chapter is about just adding just one thing into your day. And once you've got that. So that's why I've I've stayed at the gym because I'm working with the the, you know, it says is a group because he basically Connor my the PT.
::Oh really?
::Says you just changed one thing at a time, Becky.
::And you know what with you just saying that now and reading that book, it is so focus, you know, my focus has been let's come off the statins. I'm off the statins. My focus has been come off HRT come off. I've done that and then my next thing is increase water and it's like you say you know it's but again.
::If I was left to my own device devices, I would do all of it and not succeed.
::Yeah, because you do a little bit of this and a little bit of that. And then you forget and then you, yeah.
::Right.
::And I asked, you know, and it's asking us a another mentor, which I can see my PT as a mentor to guide me and say this is what long term success looks like, you know. And even though it's not long term, it's but six months to somebody who's never done anything in 48 years is long term.
::I love that I love.
::That when we do, you know to to make these things successful, whatever it is that we're all talking about, you know, whatever. Whoever's listening, whatever your thing is that you want to get going.
::It's it is that self boundary. It is that kind of how you're going to do it. But then there's a load of boundaries around other people and what impact they're going to try and have on you and your time because you know we are all being pulled potentially from pillar to post and you've got to decide.
::I mean I, you know my thing. The end of this podcast it, you know, in the outro I say, what's the one small thing that you can take from this conversation, you know, because you can't take everything that we've talked about. But if you can.
::Go for one and really try and think about that one. Then to me, you've made a big step.
::Yeah. And it's like you say there are if you're in a family, if you live with other people, you of course you have to consider other people. That's. But at the same time, if you fit it in with you and be really assertive, it's not about being just saying this is what I'm doing. Yeah, being assertive.
::Transparent. Then everybody else. I'd call it like a dance, Alison. So you just change your dance and they have to learn the moves or they don't.
::Exactly. I mean, I often remind people that sometimes when you do make a change.
::It can be quite a shock.
::So that's why doing it gently doing it kind of for everyone, for yourself and others. You know, we don't want to be doing massive transformational shifts and changing everything and everybody around you is going what's happened there. You know that doesn't work, but sometimes we have to, you know, retrain people.
::Yes. Yeah.
::To to fit in with with our plans. And actually what I often observe is that when you make a change, people change around you. So interestingly, I was talking to somebody yesterday.
::And no Saturday I run a a workshop around prior time, really juggling time and things, and one of the things that she said she had the culture that she works in. No one takes lunches. They all sit at the desk and that's just kind of expected. And if you say you're gonna go out for a walk or something, everyone sort of like.
::Glares at you.
::Anyway by the.
::End of the hour and a half that we were together in this group, I asked everybody, what's the one small thing that you're going to take a change for and she said.
::I'm gonna go for lunch. Gonna walk around the block for 20 minutes at lunch. Yeah, and I said she said.
::It I will be.
::Looked at and I said, well, what will be interesting is the ripple effect is.
::Yeah. What if after you've done it for a couple of days, somebody else says, do you know what? I'll come with you.
::Yeah, absolutely. I hope. Do you know what? I've got all goose pimps.
::Wouldn't that be brilliant?
::I hope it.
::Does happen. It will be outrage.
::She works in the NHS and yeah, she said. It's such a such a bad culture and and then the other thing that I always think is so important to to to say is when you do do that. So you do take, you take a boundary to say no, I'm going to stop, I'm going to have a proper 20 minute break or half an hour even.
::God's long gone are the days when we used to have.
::An hour for lunch.
::But you take that break or you realise that your.
::Head's fuzzed and you just said, you know what? I'm done. I'm gonna shut my laptop and I'm gonna go and do something else.
::If you do that, I know it takes bravery when you're busy, and I get that it it's very tempting to just think I'll just do this and I'll just get.
::This and I'll just.
::Get that? The risk of you burning out is obviously the longer term plan risk, but they're small in the short term, you're not being effective.
::So actually, if you take that 20 minutes, half an hour or whatever, you've got come back having had a change of scenery, having put that place that time for you, you'll come back and you'll probably smash the work.
::Absolutely, absolutely. I I do a Frisbee throw with the dog, so whenever I finish something, I'll go outside in the garden and we throw Frisbee for a little while. I've got two dogs, but one one of them will chase the Frisbee. And then I feel amazing only for 5 minutes, and then I'll come back in and crack on with the next, you know?
::Exactly. But we feel like we have to glue ourselves to, to our work or our. Or if you're not working, you know, you're glueing yourself to something that's.
::The next task.
::You just need to change your scenery. The brain doesn't work in this sort of 111 thing.
:: ::You know, and I used to walk around. I'll. I'll disclose this before. Like now used to walk around with a piece of paper going.
::I used to walk around the whole of the college with a bit of paper. That was what.
:: ::I just thought I could. I'd go for.
::A walk, but it looked as.
::If I was doing.
::Something so that's the top tip for you.
::Love that.
::I love that.
::Make yourself look busy, but really be going.
::On a walk.
::I love that, brilliant.
::Uh, Becky, it's been absolutely lovely to share this space.
::With you and.
::Hopefully just help people see that you know so many people are in the same space and yet, yeah, we often know what we need to do, but we don't pause and stop and think about how can I change up what's going on, you know?
::Rolling we roll weeks. You know, people keep saying ohh the weeks are galloping by. Yeah they are.
::But at what expense?
::Yeah, exactly. Exactly that. Yeah. And thank you so much. It's been wonderful to speak to you.
::Ohh, lovely. Thank you Becky for coming and.
::Sharing all your wisdom with us.
::Thank you for listening and sharing in this episode of Mental Wealth. Remember, you can subscribe wherever you get your podcast. My last question to you is what is the one small thing that you can take action on from this episode? Message me.
::On Instagram or through our website with questions you'd like.
::Me to explore.
::We'll find the links in the show notes. I will be back with more tools and tips to make sense of your mind in the next episode. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Bye for now.
