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00:00:35 The Friendship Formula is a simple framework for building and maintaining strong friendships.

00:07:04 The Friendship Formula

00:09:13 Dr. Jack Schaefer, former FBI agent and author of The Like Switch, has a theory that might have the answer.

00:19:04 How to Use Schaefer's formula to Your Benefit

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• Dr. Jack Schafer’s “friendship formula” is as follows: Friendship = Proximity + Frequency + Duration + Intensity. Friendship will develop according to the sum of all these four elements. That means that one element can be relatively weak if another compensates by being extra strong.

• Building friendships is about fostering increasing closeness—i.e., proximity. Greater frequency also means a stronger chance of friendship developing. The more frequently you engage with someone, the more they feel like part of your world. Friendship takes time to build, so greater duration of time spent together means greater chance of friendship. Finally, it matters how well you’re able to satisfy another person’s needs during any social interaction. The more you can, the better the chance of striking up a friendship.

• When making friends, deliberately find ways to increase proximity and the duration, frequency, and intensity of your interactions with people, in that order. Go slow!

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Thanks for being with us today. Loneliness is an epidemic. More than half of Americans report that they feel lonely. And despite living in one of the world's densest cities, 55% of London residents say they feel isolated, and 62% of young Australian adults report the same. With the fallout from COVID lockdowns all over the world, it's no surprise that millions of people in the world now claim they have no friends and that socializing is harder than ever before. Do you feel the same? This book is for you if you'd like to connect more with others and connect more authentically make new friends. Improve the friendships you already have become more comfortable and confident in social situations become a better conversationalist. Get out of your comfort zone. Become a dazzling, ultra charming social butterfly.

Well, that last 1 may be an exaggeration. Nevertheless, the hope is that by the end of this book, you'll see that becoming a charming, likable and confident social butterfly is not as unachievable as you might first think. Let's be honest our world is becoming a strange, fractured place with an increasing sense of division between people. Life is busy. Even those of us who consider ourselves friendly extroverts may find that certain periods in life pose challenges to building a healthy support network. With the rise in certain technologies and lifestyles, you could be forgiven for thinking that the art of conversation and friendship making is in massive decline. But all is not lost. Making friends is not some mysterious dark art, but something that anyone, yes, even you can learn to do no matter where you're starting from. In the chapters that follow, we'll be looking at how people become friends in the first place and how to engineer those circumstances yourself. We'll consider ways to create your own personal aura of confidence and likability using simple techniques you can practice immediately.

We'll explore how to ask questions, listen actively, tell stories, create witty banter, and reveal more about yourself in just the right way. And at the right time. You'll learn more about why previous friendship making efforts may have failed and how to make sure you're removing any future obstacles to real connection so you can build rapport with others quickly and reliably. One caveat, however there won't be any of the old conventional advice in these pages, like suggestions to join a meetup group or try to find the love of your life at a community pottery class. The truth is, your life circumstances are completely unique to you, and no book could ever claim to tell you exactly where to meet your future friends or what they'll look like. Most of us already know the standard advice to join an interest group, get involved in your community, sign up to volunteer, or join a church, parents group, singles club, or the like. This is good advice, and it works best when you actually do it. But for many of us, meeting people is just the first step. It's what happens next that's difficult, right? That's where this book comes in.

The principles and techniques discussed here will help you take those first crucial moments of meeting someone new and nurture them so that you gradually work your way up to being closer friends, one great conversation at a time. Please don't let reading this book be the only thing you do. Learning new techniques and approaches is a necessary but not sufficient condition for making real change in your life, and none of it will make much of a difference unless you have the magic ingredient action. The ideas discussed in these pages are not meant to be interesting, intellectual musings, but prompts to get out there and literally try something new. How do these concepts look when applied to your unique life circumstances? There's only one way to find out. Real experience in the world is what creates change. That's why, at the end of each section, you'll be encouraged to get out there and experiment. Some of the material and exercises will seem really obvious to you until you try them for yourself. The magic happens in the consistent application and practice of an idea, not in how well you can grasp it intellectually.

Who are you going to practice on? If you're socially anxious or shy or have difficulty with people, relax. You don't need to make quantum leaps overnight. Wherever you are, just start there if needed. You can always make short, brief connections with shop assistants, people standing in lines, random acquaintances. Take a look at your social circle and identify the people in the periphery. You only need the smallest of connections to build on, and small connections are everywhere. All you need is an open mind, the willingness to step out, a little of your comfort zone, and some genuine curiosity of the world and the people who live in it. We're all different, and we all have our own obstacles and blind spots. But remember that human beings are built for connection.

You know more than you think you do. The Friendship Formula haley remembers her best friend from first grade, Kitty. The two first met when they were seated next to one another in homeroom, and they spent every weekday together at school, and soon every weekend, too. They'd talk for hours or just do homework together in silence, or walk home together from after school activities. Haley remembers how her friend had been like a lifeline to her. She had just moved to the neighborhood, her parents had just gotten a divorce, and everything in life was upside down except Kitty. With her, she could talk about anything. In fact, the two became so close that they considered themselves inseparable better than sisters and swore they'd be best friends forever. Kitty is still in Haley's life, although they now live on opposite ends of the world. Haley is now 34, and discovering that making friends as an adult is different.

Haley considers herself a kind, friendly person who makes an effort to meet new people. She doesn't understand why, years after moving to a new area, she doesn't feel like she really knows anybody, a woman she really wanted to be friends with. Alex is the wife of someone she met in painting class. Though Haley felt like they'd made a connection, alex just seemed to drift off, their text messages becoming strained, and nothing really took off. Haley's world, in fact, seems full of awkward meetups, promising connections that quickly fizzle, and friendships that revolve around drinks every four months. Soon, Haley is sick of hearing the phrases so busy and sure, let's get a coffee or something. Why was it so easy to make such a strong connection in first grade? And why is it so difficult now? Dr. Jack Schaefer, former FBI agent and author of The Like Switch, has a theory that might have the answer. Schaeffer is a behavioral expert who first introduced the concept of the friendship formula.

According to him, clicking with a person and becoming their friend is not some random bit of magic, but follows a predictable pattern. The formula goes like this friendship equals proximity plus frequency plus duration plus intensity. In other words, friendship will develop most quickly and most firmly when all four factors are strongly present. Without them, friendship cannot emerge. Let's take a look at each in turn and see how they apply to Haley's friendships. Proximity this is the distance between you and the other person. When you think about it, building friendships is simply a matter of fostering increasing closeness. And that closeness is not just metaphorical. The closer you are physically and the more context you share, the better your chances of striking up a friendship. Haley and Kitty sat right next to each other for hours every day for all of first grade.

That's a lot of time. Compare that with her friend of a friend, Alex, who she'll only see if she makes a concerted effort to arrange a meetup. The psychology of this is straightforward. Human beings tend to like what they are already familiar with. If you're spending a lot of time with someone, they become familiar to you. Sure, constantly being in someone's space doesn't necessarily mean they will like you. Siblings all across the world can attest to this, but it does mean that you will increase your exposure to that person. And if there is a potential for friendship, all that exposure will help you make something of that potential. Alex and Haley, on the other hand, are simply not in each other's world. They each have completely separate, different lives, and to find room in that life for someone else takes an active effort, an effort that people are, sadly, not too ready to make.

Frequency you can probably already see how Kitty and Haley's friendship was based on greater frequency than most adult friendships are. Greater frequency means a stronger chance of friendship developing. Even if you can't spend a lot of time with someone, it's still worth something to frequently spend time with them. Consider a long distance marriage, where the couple spends only one day a month together. Now consider a different long distance couple who only spends twelve days in a year together all at once. Which couple do you imagine has the greater chance of staying connected? Both spend the same amount of time with one another, but the latter couple has more frequent contact, and this naturally leads to a stronger sense of bonding. It comes back to repetition and familiarity. The more frequently you engage with someone, the more they feel like part of your world. There are simply a greater number of opportunities to share, to communicate, to become part of one another's.

Experience you might wave hello and say one or two sentences to your neighbor every single day for years and genuinely come to think of them as a kind of friend. One day, you might meet a person and have a deep and meaningful conversation with them for hours, but never see them again. The connection with this latter person is definitely deeper and more satisfying, but you probably don't consider them a friend. Duration as we've seen, friendships can be formed in short, frequent bursts, but all the better if they have the luxury of time on their side. If you add up the total time that Haley and Kitty spent together, it probably borders on tens of thousands of hours. If you add up the total time Haley and Alex spent together, it's probably around 30 minutes. Even though Haley and Kitty were joined at the hip, even they weren't that interested in one another after only 30 minutes. Friendship takes time to build. You're probably wondering if this is a Catch 22 situation. People only spend time with those they're already friends with, but how can you make friends with someone until you spent a lot of time with them?

It's true that adult friendships are plagued by this very problem, but understanding this snag means you're best positioned to get around it as quickly as possible, which is exactly what we'll be doing through the rest of the book. Intensity the final variable in the equation is how well you are able to satisfy another person's needs during any social interaction. The more you can, the better the chance of striking up a friendship. Siblings are a great example of how even people with high duration, frequency and proximity in their interactions don't necessarily become friends. They may not meet one another's emotional needs. In fact, they may actively get in the way of them. Siblings who get on well, on the other hand, often do so because they have a connection based on mutual support through a shared challenge, or else they've come to help one another with their respective needs. I. E. They have intensity.

Haley and Kitty found a safe haven with one another. They had long, intense talks about their secret feelings and helped one another through the tough times. Compare that to Haley and Alex. Both are independent, self sufficient adults with husbands, children, and fulfilling jobs. Their lives are full. To put it bluntly, the mutual emotional need for that connection is simply not as strong. Incidentally, flagging intensity is a big reason for the failure of already established friendships and relationships. It's the reason a couple complain of lack of connection when they spend every day together. Because when they are together, they're both distracted, staring at their phones, or occupied with low level chitchat. As they lose intensity, they lose connection.

To return to the equation, you can see that friendships will develop according to the sum of all these four elements. That means that one element can be relatively weak if another compensates by being extra strong. Consider these examples. Two colleagues work together and happen to spend a lot of time doing the same hobby, too. There's not much intensity, but they make up for it with plenty of proximity, duration, and frequency. And consider one another good friends. Two old college friends have long since moved to different countries and now only see one another yearly for a long Christmas vacation together. They spend a full two weeks together catching up. They lack proximity and frequency, but they have plenty of intensity and spend hours together, just all at one time. This has kept their friendship going for decades.

Two people live on the same block and over time have come to an arrangement. They collect one another's packages if they're out, and they pass on messages or check in on the house plants if the other one goes away for a few days. Despite being two completely different people who move in different circles, they've become friends. They have very low duration. They've seldom chatted for longer than five minutes at a time. But high intensity and frequency, since they regularly meet one another's needs. Though all sorts of combinations can and do come together to make a friendship, naturally, there are lower limits. And if the total package comes below a certain threshold, a friendship simply cannot develop. This is what happened with Haley and Alex. They have low proximity, low duration, low intensity, and low frequency.

Haley thinks I don't understand. We got on so well together, and we both really wanted to get to know each other better. But Dr. Schaefer would say that friendship has very little to do with how much people like one another or how similar they are. He might point out, in fact, that many good friendships can form even if people are quite different or annoy each other sometimes, or come from wildly different backgrounds. You can probably prove this to yourself by thinking back to your own childhood friends. How many of them were genuinely great matches for you as a person, and how many simply took root in your life because they were there, they were familiar, and you both went through the same experiences together. How to Use Schaefer's formula to Your Benefit many people who struggle to make friends start out by asking the wrong questions how can I be more likable? What's wrong with me? Am I not interesting or funny or smart enough? Why don't they like me?

Instead, take Schaefer's advice and deliberately find ways to increase proximity and the duration, intensity and frequency of your interactions with people. Here's how one start by increasing proximity. Your goal is just to get them comfortable with you being around so that you start to feel more and more familiar. The big caveat here is to do this slowly. If you push yourself on people, they'll perceive you as a threat. Two once proximity is established, gradually increase the amount of time you spend with that person. At the same time, slowly increase frequency, too. Three only after you've done the above can you start ramping up the intensity by talking about more in depth things or revealing a little more about yourself. Four if the intensity part goes well, the cycle should repeat, with both of you seeking out more proximity over time, a friendship is established, and the same four factors help to maintain it over time. Granted, this seems like a pretty easy process, and it is.

It can take time, however, and the biggest reason for failure along the way is impatience. Imagine you meet someone interesting at a party, and you immediately click and start talking. Even though it's the first time you've ever met. You soon notice yourself sharing personal details, ranting about politics and other heavy topics, and probing them for answers to all life's deep and meaningful questions. Now, whether the other person reciprocates or not, you may find that after the conversation is over, a sudden awkwardness sets in. By skipping the parts where you build proximity, frequency and duration, you risk going too far too soon. If you've ever formed an intense connection with an instant friend who then disappears after a month of knowing you, this might be the reason why. On the other hand, it's not enough to only increase proximity and so on. The old advice to find friends at shared interest groups or Hobies is good advice, but it's just a starting point. If you are regularly spending hours every week with people, but you never increase intensity or ask them to hang out outside of those scheduled times, chances are the friendship won't properly launch.

In the remaining chapters of this book, we'll be looking at plenty of different techniques for better listening, asking questions, telling a great story, and building rapport. But all these techniques are best when embedded in a firm understanding of this overall timeline of a developing friendship. Even the wittiest of banter and charming conversation won't help if you're only at the first stage of gently increasing proximity with a potential new friend. The rule is go slow, take your time and build up each successive interaction on the previous one. Put it into practice. Look around your social network and identify one person who is an acquaintance. I e someone you know but don't know very well. How often do you spend time with this person? And for how long do you meet one another's needs in any way? Once you've quickly appraised the current status of the relationship, decide on what you need to do next.

In order to create more closeness, you will probably need to increase proximity or frequency first. How could you do that? This is not necessarily about inviting them out somewhere or conspicuously asking them to be your friend. Although if this feels right to you, you can do this. Instead, become curious about how you might start gently building value in one of the four variables. You don't need to commit to a lifelong relationship either. Just take action and see what happens. And that wraps up this week's episode of Social Skills Coaching. Don't forget to join us next Tuesday for another episode from a book from Patrick King. You can check out Patrick King at pkconsulting to learn more.

We're changing our format a little bit this week. I realized our introductions were getting a bit long in the tooth and taking a while to get to the material, and that might be off putting to some listeners, so we're moving most of the extraneous information to the back end. If you've made it this far and you've got what you want, thanks for joining us. If you want a little more trivia and useful information for the day, just hang on. We'll cover this in the next minute or two. We mentioned at the top that it was angel food cake day. Other things on the menu, according to Nationaltoday.com, is a plant based burger and some porridge. Now that's a delicious lunch. At least the angel poopcake is there to bail you out. It's also World Animal Road Accident Awareness Day, so depending on where you live, roadkill could be on the menu.

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