Sean:                            00:03                It wasn’t until Macy was born and you know for any first time father to look in the eyes of his child and I realized right then like at some stage, not so long ago, someone looked in my eyes when this happened to them and I thought, you know, where is she? And I thought for the first time, like as a parent like they had, there must’ve been a lot of pain to say goodbye.

Speaker 3:                    00:29                Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

New Speaker:               00:41                This is who am I really a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members? Hey, it’s Damon today. I have the pleasure of introducing you to Sean as a kid. When he found out he was adopted, he created some conflict in him and challenged his identity. But some sage wisdom from one of the elders in his family set him straight again so that he could return to loving and appreciating the family he was already a part of. When he got a little older, married his high school sweetheart and their family began to grow. So did his curiosity about his biological mother’s experience, giving birth to him and relinquishing him to adoption. You’ll hear Shawn talk about connecting to his mother brothers and how he feels fortunate to have had the opportunity to say thank you for the life he leads.

Damon:                        01:29                You and I talked quite a while ago about your story. Um, and I’d love to hear some of the details about how, how you grew up as an adoptee. Tell me about your, your family, your family structure when you found out you’re an adoptee and what it was like being an adoptee in your community.

Sean:                            01:47                Sure. Uh, well, you know, uh, it’s kind of a funny story. Well, at least I’m able to laugh now, but you know, this whole journey for me started in the first grade when I, uh, I’ve found out what adopted meant about a year prior that my, my parents told me that I was adopted. They just didn’t fill in all the blanks for me. They didn’t really tell me what it meant except that I was special and I was chosen and you know, I was loved and all of that, you know, I just didn’t register with me that that’s anything other than it than an incredible thing. And Man, I’m, I’m like great special kid. Unfortunately the guy that filled in the gaps for me was a bully on the playground. And when he was a beaten me out on the playground, I asked him to back off because I was adopted and it was special and chosen and loved and welcome.

Sean:                            02:34                And luckily he did stop for a moment and he said, what do you mean you’re done? Like your parents didn’t want here, they gave you when I said, no, no, that’s not what it means. And he said, yes it is. And the kids kind of chimed in and laughed and you know, I wound up in the principal’s office and in a small town that I was in, my dad was a bank manager and the principal’s like, hey, Sean fighting is one thing on the playground. But you know, telling stories lying like that, saying that you’re adopted son other. And he told me what it meant and he did. I didn’t believe that that’s what they actually meant by that. And I wound up running home at lunch. I live like half a mile from the school and my mom was there and I said, I am confused and crying.

Sean:                            03:14                And she said, I better call your dad to come home from work. And I knew in that moment what they really meant and uh, it was a start of a rough couple of years, you know, and just trying to reconcile all of that. But anyhow, you know, the, the structure was a, I was, I was adopted by two wonderful parents who had already had two children on their own, had believed that they couldn’t have any more kids. They wanted to have a son, have another child. And they adopted me when I was a three or four months old. And I, uh, grew up about five hours, four hours from where I was born in a, in a house full of love. Um, turned out my mother could have other kids cause I have a younger sister.

Damon:                        03:54                So you haven’t read biological siblings then?

Sean:                            03:57                I do. Yeah.

Damon:                        03:59                And you’re in between them.

Sean:                            04:00                That’s right. Yeah. Second youngest wonderful family gave me everything I could have asked for more. You know, that that’s with all the things you’d expect and life experiences and guidance and love and everything else. So I consider myself very fortunate.

Damon:                        04:16                Yeah. So you found out pretty young that you were adopted. I’m curious to know how did that at all affect your relationship to your siblings? You know, did you make the connection that you were now somehow different from them even at that young age?

Sean:                            04:32                Well, you know, the, the connection with my sisters, even at that young age, I, I recognize that up to that point and then during that tough time where I was really trying to reconcile what was going on, like those three girls never treated me as anything less than full and equal member of the family. There was never any inkling before, during or after, you know, that I wasn’t one of them. Um, the disconnect for awhile was with my adoptive parents, which as a, as a young kid, immature and trying to deal with something difficult, you know, I resorted to calling them by their surnames, you know, Mister and misses and um, and had a really hard time reconciling what I considered a lie. You know, they, they hadn’t been truthful with me and I was also like many adopted kids confused as to how anybody could have given up on me. Um, and it, and none of it made sense.

Damon:                        05:29                Yeah. You had some of that inner confusion, some of that anger that can be prevalent in young boys no matter what the situation is. You can just be angry with your parents for whatever reason. But it, when it comes to your own identity as it applies to being related to them, I could see that being really challenging, especially as you got older and, and you really are starting trying to figure out who you are. What were your experiences with your desire to reunite with your biological family members? Cause I know you told me previously there was a situation that really made you question whether you want to do it

New Speaker:               06:04                Well, you know just to go back a step. And you know, having been dealing with that, and I know how long that period of, of confusion and feeling lost was, but I’ll just share with you one moment that kind of snapped me out of it or you know, felt like I was emotionally punched in the face of the time. But my grandmother, my mother’s, my father’s mother, tough but wonderful. My, uh, one of my daughters, we named her middle name is after her cute. She, uh, we showed up for Christmas and Ottawa and she said, ah, I got into the house and now I had two misses. Finters you know, my mom and my grandmother. And she, uh, she tolerated that for about an hour. And I remember it being summoned to her bedroom, which I had looked in before.

Sean:                            06:50                I’d never been in there before. And I sat up on the edge of her bed where she told me to sit and she kinda got down at eye level with me. And the expected, uh, uh, a hug or, you know, hey, this is going to be okay. And she basically said, you know, listen to me a little sh*t. Those people out there love you more than anything in the world. And there they, they’ll give you everything. And she said, at some point you’re going to have to accept that or continue to punish them. She said, they’ve done nothing but love you and I get it. I get your hurt and angry and it doesn’t always make sense. But she said at some point when you let them back in, everything’s gonna be okay. And then I thought, she taught me and Jesus got up and walked out!

Damon:                        07:35                She left it to simmer with you, huh. Think about that young man.

Sean:                            07:38                And you know, in that moment I just, I decided that she was right. You know, they hadn’t done any right and there was still a reconciliation for me, but I emerged from that bedroom with a very different view of the world and thought I, Alright well here I am. And if you’re going to land anywhere, you know, it’s pretty good spot to, to answer your question, you know, um, between that time and um 14 years ago when my first of four children was born, I had really rationalized that I was okay, you know, that I, and I was complete. I, you know, I’ve met a lot of people that were adopted that had this hole in their heart that needed to, you know, I need to find things out. And maybe it was just my self talk and convincing myself that it doesn’t matter and I’m okay.

Sean:                            08:23                I’m in a good place. And, and I, and I, I was rich, you know, I had all these rich relationships in my life and felt full, um, it wasn’t until Macy was born and you know, for any first time father to look in the eyes of this child, and this was sound a little bit silly, but I just like saw the whole world. Like I just realized, man, we’re all connected. Yeah. And that this is a part of me. And, and I realized right then like at some stage, not so long ago, someone looked in my eyes when this happened to them and I thought, you know, where is she? Where is he? And I wondered, you know where they were. And I thought for the first time, like as a parent like they had, there must’ve been a lot of pain to say goodbye. So that’s when the sort of journey started to start to figure this out.

Damon:                        09:09                So you’ve been catalyzed by the birth of your own child. And I know that feeling of looking down, you know, at your child, I’ve said this before, you know, when I saw my son for the first time, I was home alone with him and I was just like, oh my God, you’re the first biological relative I’ve literally ever known. And it’s just a moment of, of seriality. So what did you do then? You’ve now had this, this reconciliation with the sage wisdom of your grandmother. You’ve, you’ve gotten to a good place in your mind in terms of growing up and maturing into your identity and with your family. But now you’ve, you’ve had this moment where you recognize that someone had the same look about you when you were an infant. What, what did you do next?

Sean:                            09:50                Well, I did what I normally do and I started to write. So I, I was living in Sydney, Australia and I started to write a letter. And the letter, um, started out very simply, you know, there were three things that I wanted to communicate to her, to my biological mother. Um, I said, uh, firstly, you know, I, I’d heard from, you know, I’d met over the years a lot of people that both had been adopted and had and had given up their kids for a better opportunity. And what really rang in my mind at that time was the moms and dads that had to say goodbye. And when I, uh, I started writing a letter, I just, I said to her that, you know, every time I see a young pregnant girl, I realized like, especially if you’re carrying a baby to term, to give them up for a better opportunity.

Sean:                            10:48                And, and I just said, you know, I am, I am so grateful that you had the courage to do that. Secondly, I thought it was important for her to know that as a result of that, that it worked. Everything that, uh, that a mom would have wanted for her, her son came true. Right. The family and the circumstance experience. And for that, you know, we were, she was fortunate cause you don’t know where your child’s going, but I thought it was important that she know that, you know, I kind of won the lottery in that regard. Yeah. And then finally I said, you know, as a dad now, and I had been a dad for 10 minutes or a day or two. {laughs} So now I’m able to speak from the wisdom of a father. I know now that you’ve wondered like what happened to me, you know, it’s been at that point and again, you know, almost, well it’s 30 some years, you know, three and a half decades.

Sean:                            11:53                And I said, this is me. You know, this is now, I grew up in Canada and I’ve traveled, I’ve been to over 50 countries, businesses all over the world. And Best of all, you know, I’m married a girl I fell in love with in high school and you know, we’ve now started a family and, and I said, this is who I am because of what you did for me. So that was it. And then it was supposed to be a two page letter and it turned into 10 pages and photos and all of that. And, and I wish I could say I just wrote this beautiful water and popped it in the post. And that was that. But it sat in my drawer for years and then did iterations of that letter. And I don’t know why, I just didn’t, I didn’t know where to send it or I didn’t have the courage to do something holding me back.

Sean:                            12:40                And luckily my wife Jenny one day just, hey, you know, why don’t, why don’t I send this today? You know, we looked up and she said, why don’t I just send this today? Like all my way or the door? I said, well, we’ll talk about it tonight. And she said, no, no, no, I think I’m going to send...