Setting aside your own point of view and your own idea of where the conversation should go is an act of faith and a show of goodwill to the other person. The modern world does not encourage the kind of receptivity that makes us great conversationalists. If we’re honest, most of us would prefer not to do the work and rather focus on controlling the conversation, expressing ourselves, or making some point or other. To be emotionally intelligent listeners, we need to go against the grain and make the effort required to set aside our own egos and become genuinely curious about someone else’s world. Here are a few key principles to keep in mind. Principle 1: Listen To Understand, Not To Respond The next time you’re in a conversation with someone, notice your own thoughts and where they go when the other person is talking. Are you busily imagining all the things you’re going to say when they stop speaking? Are you quietly formulating a counterargument or thinking of ways to steer the topic back to yourself or what you know? When we are occupying this reactive state, we are not really doing justice to what we are being told.

We are looking at the other person and their message as something to push off against or manipulate to our own ends. We are tempted to be always in a responding mode, barging in with our own thoughts and feelings and our interpretations of what the other person is trying to share. Listening to understand is a completely different position to take. You are not reactive, but receptive—you are listening with the unspoken intention to truly absorb and comprehend what you’re told. It’s a state of being open and curious and genuinely wanting to grasp the message. Yet how many of us are quick to gloss over this message because we’re in a hurry to quickly decide on our opinion of the message? As Stephen Covey says, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood." It’s subtle, but it makes all the difference in the world. Principle 2: Listen To Everything The “message” is made up of many components, the spoken words being just a small part.

Communication is made of verbal and nonverbal information, so expand your perception to take in both. This takes a degree of attention, awareness, and focus perception. Facial expression, quality of voice, posture, gestures, what people are wearing, and the style of language they are using. Listen, even, to what isn’t being said. We’ll be looking more closely at this “meta-language” in a later chapter. Principle 3: Don’t Conflate Your Experience With Theirs Good conversations are dynamic, and they flow and change, often with both partners’ positions slightly altered by the end of the conversation. However, that’s not the same as being careless and unaware of times when you might be tempted to see your own thoughts and feelings in the place of the other person’s. Let’s say a friend is telling you about their recent health scare. They are trying to share the general message, “I was terrified, and now I have a renewed appreciation for my health!"

But as you hear them speak, let’s imagine you can’t help filtering all that information through your own pet theories and opinions about doctors or the state of healthcare in your country. You (perhaps unconsciously) interpret what they say in terms of what you already think, picking out all the ideas that confirm your pre-existing perspective. Perhaps you respond by going on a mini rant about how difficult it is to receive good treatment these days, or jumping in with an anecdote about your own recent experiences with doctors. Meanwhile your friend, who was intending to take the conversation in quite a different direction (“Isn’t good health precious? I’ve been given a new lease on life!”) feels like you haven’t really listened, and in response doesn’t feel like listening to you as you ramble on ... Principle 4: Empathic Listening Takes Effort—but Not As Much Effort As Correcting Misunderstandings! Throughout this book you may be struck by just how much work it takes to establish clear, compassionate lines of communication with another person. You might wonder whether all this is really worth it—the answer is yes! That’s because the alternative is actually a lot more work in the long run.

If you’re a poor communicator, you pay for it by feeling disconnected and alienated from others, or worse, you find yourself frequently misunderstood or in conflict with them. Constantly missing people or never quite feeling that you’re on the same wavelength is like poison for any relationship—and it takes incredible amounts of effort to make things right again. Principles of emotionally intelligent, mindful, and empathetic communication exist for a reason: because they really are the easiest and most effective way of doing things. The better you become at these skills, however, the more you will see the incredible freedom they give you, and the deeper, richer kinds of relationships they allow you to have with others. Luckily for all of us, these skills can be acquired and developed. The Four Types of Empathic Responses Be honest: When someone says, “I know how you feel,” does it make you feel any better? Probably not! But then, what should you say? While you work on your emotional intelligence skills, here are a few easy responses that keep you in the receptive, understanding mode and let the other person know you’re listening.

These responses are also a great way to “buy time” and keep the conversation going when you’re unsure of how to respond but want to show compassion anyway. Type 1: Acknowledging Their Courage If someone is sharing something vulnerable with you, or conveying an emotional message, it can be difficult to know what to say. But relax—you don’t have to solve their problems or suddenly dispense sagely advice. One of the most powerful things you can do is simply acknowledge how challenging it is to merely speak up about such things. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot." “I know it’s not easy to talk about these things, so I applaud you for that." “You’ve done a good thing by speaking out." Acknowledge the effort, bravery, and vulnerability it takes to share something personal.

Just remember to keep things positive by focusing on strengths, resources, and achievements. A common empathetic response is to point out their strength of character: “Wow, that couldn’t have been easy, but you handled the situation with a lot of patience and tact." Type 2: Clarifying The Message Pulitzer Prize-winning oral historian Studs Terkel tells us, “Don’t be an examiner, be the interested inquirer." If you’re ever stumped for what to say, ask a question. This alone will show that you are paying attention and value what the other person has to say—even better if you can ask a thoughtful question that shows you have been listening carefully. The right questions can help you understand the message, to confirm you’ve understood, and to quietly reassure the speaker that you respect and care about what they’re saying and want to understand it correctly. “So it seems like it was a really confusing few years. Have I got that right?" “You were a student nurse at the time, weren’t you?"

“Just so I can understand, are you saying you felt embarrassed when he said that? Or was it more that you were annoyed?" Type 3: Conveying That You Care Much of the time, people share grievances or express their emotions not because they want someone to solve their problems for them or come up with a clever-sounding interpretation. Instead, we’re often (sometimes unconsciously) looking for someone to validate and confirm what we’re feeling, to listen, and to treat our experience as worthy of attention and concern. Truly showing that you care in this way can be far more powerful than giving “good advice” or having some sagely council to offer. Think about a time in your life when you needed to speak to someone and remind yourself of the kind of response that would have most assured you. Most likely, you would have wanted the message: “I see you, and I hear you. I get it. It makes sense that you feel this way.

People care about you and you matter." In fact, a demonstration of care without adding in some advice or a solution can feel the most empathetic of all: “I’m here for you. Would you like to talk?" “Is there anything you’d like me to help you with?" “I care about you/this." Type 4: Checking In Show other people that you are attentive to their experiences and are paying attention to them. Deliberately check in to show that you care about how they’re doing, and keep those lines of communication open. Even if someone doesn’t respond fully to your checking in, they will still register that you cared enough to do so, and that’s worth a lot. “How are you feeling today?"

Show notes and further information can be found at RussellEricNewton.com. With an eclectic collection of insights, knowledge, and trivia from some of the newest audiobooks on the market, this has been the Voice Over Work podcast brought to you by Newton Media Group, a family of creative services.