Making assumptions and taking things personally are probably some of the two biggest shifts that we can make internally. - Jenny Leckey

Book Spotlight Episode!

In this episode of Diary of a Recovering People Pleaser, Jenny shares life changing concepts that were game changers in her starting to overcome people pleasing while enhancing her spiritual growth. 

She draws from the book, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and insights from Timber Hawkeye and his book, Buddhist Boot Camp. 

Jenny discusses the importance of learning to not taking things personally and using practical tools to maintain personal boundaries. These strategies offer guidance for spiritual beings navigating human experiences, focusing on managing guilt, setting boundaries, and empowering listeners to focus on their internal needs.

This is a must listen for folks who are ready to start HEALING and want to get rid of guilt, shame and anxiety over saying no. It’s time for you to take up space by using these teachings!

BOOKS:

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz

Buddhist Boot Camp by Timber Hawkeye

About the Host:

Interested in being a guest? Email Jenny: info@meditatewithjenny.com

• Work with Jenny - Book 1:1 Reiki or psychic channeled reading sessions. Offered virtually or in person in Buffalo, NY. Jenny also offers Reiki certification classes!

Copyright 2024 Jenny Leckey LLC

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I wanted to take an episode to share two concepts

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that have really changed my life.

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They helped me not only begin heal people

pleasing, they were at the forefront of my

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spiritual growth and my growth as a human.

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I don't think you can talk about

one without talking about the other.

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We are all spiritual beings

having human experiences.

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Most people think they are humans who

have random spiritual experiences,

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when all reality You are a spiritual

being here in your human meat

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suit, having a human experience.

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With that said, it's nice to have

some reference guides, little

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guidebooks, some advice as you

navigate this human experience.

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One of the top books that flipped the

script in my mind was the book The

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Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

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Game changer for me.

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What I really like is the way that

he wrote this is very easy to digest.

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That's how I know it's good

writing and a good teacher.

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When you take complex topics and you're

able to simplify it and easily digest it.

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Now I will say, this is not a book

that you sit down and just fly through.

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I would read it section by

section, maybe a page or two, and

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I'd have to sit and process it.

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But I was able to conceptualize

what he was speaking about.

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So the four agreements,

do not make assumptions.

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Do not take things personally, be

impeccable with your words, do your best.

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Ugh, they sound so simple!

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But putting those into practice, whoo boy!

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Those are some heavy hitter things, right?

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I always try to run My choices, my

actions, my words through that filter.

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when I'm talking to a person, is this

based on an assumption or am I taking

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something personally and reacting to it?

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If I am, I'm not even going

to say anything to someone.

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That's an inside job for me to process.

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But if I am not doing either of those

things, then I always make sure, am

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I being impeccable with my words?

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Am I saying this to the best of

my ability, the clearest, kindest

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I can be, and then do your best.

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Am I doing my best with where I am today?

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Sometimes your 100 percent is only

going to be 50 percent of what

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you're capable of on a normal day

because maybe you're exhausted,

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maybe you're sick, you're stressed,

your nervous system is dysregulated.

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But am I doing the best that

I can in this moment in time?

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If I do all that, then I let

myself rest in what I've completed.

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What I've said to someone, what

I've put out there, what I've done.

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This has really helped me

get rid of guilt and shame,

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especially with people pleasing.

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This has helped me with setting

boundaries, with even telling

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people, no, I'm not interested

or no, this isn't a good fit.

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No, this doesn't work for me.

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No, I don't want to.

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Running it through those four,

I am oversimplifying this highly

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recommend you read the book because

obviously he goes into way more

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detail, great stories and examples.

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One thing I really want to dive into is.

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Don't take things personally.

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Woo wee!

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Isn't that human nature to

take everything personally?

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Say you're having a conversation and

someone gets snippy with you, instantly

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you're like, What did I do to them?

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Why are they getting so nasty with me?

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I don't appreciate that.

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I've been there, done that myself.

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When you can stop to think, You

know what, this has nothing to

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do with me, and 100 percent to do

with them, your whole life changes.

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This is where I want to bring in another

tool, another person that has helped me.

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So you've got the four agreements,

don't take things personally.

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And then you've got Timber Hawkeye,

who wrote the book, Buddhist Boot

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Camp, and a plethora of other books.

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Recommend you follow him on social media.

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I had the honor of seeing him speak

live a few years ago here in Buffalo.

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Did a free book tour.

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It was amazing.

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I was up close.

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And just soaking in all of his

knowledge and his calming presence.

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It was beautiful.

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There was this one pivotal teaching that

he offered to the group during this talk

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that stuck with me and was one of those

moments where something clicked into place

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in my brain and I knew I'd never forget

it, and I knew that it would help me.

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me not only set boundaries, but to be

able to speak my truth a little bit

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more, take up a little bit more space.

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And that is this that I'm

about to share with you.

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I want you to picture yourself having

a conversation with someone, and the

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person is talking to you, and They could

be saying a numerous amount of things.

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They could be complaining about

their life, complaining about

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a person, place, or thing.

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They could be complaining about you.

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This could be a full fledged argument.

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This person could be pissed off at you.

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This person could be disappointed in you.

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They could be, whatever it is, X, Y, Z.

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They're spouting stuff out of their mouth.

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Okay, these words and feelings are coming

out and they're coming towards you.

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Okay.

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What Timber says to do is imagine yourself

holding this sign in front of you.

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And on the front of the sign,

the side that is facing the

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person, it says, Tell me more.

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Really encouraging the person.

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Yes.

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Tell me more.

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Tell me more.

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What more do you have to say about that?

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Okay?

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And what else?

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And what else?

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Tell me more.

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As you're holding the sign, the

back side that's facing you says,

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This has nothing to do with me.

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This has nothing to do with me.

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So holding the sign again on the front,

it says to the person, Tell me more.

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Get it out of your system.

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Go ahead.

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Spit it out.

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And then facing you, it says,

This has nothing to do with me.

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Connected to four agreements,

don't take things personally.

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Anything that someone is saying

or doing has to do with them.

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And now this is a hard concept to swallow,

especially as a recovering people pleaser.

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Because that also means, even if

you've done something quote, wrong,

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and someone reacts negatively to you,

It still has nothing to do with you.

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Now, I know that's hard to believe because

we are raised in a society where if you

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do something wrong, you should have shame

and guilt, you do something wrong and

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you're supposed to feel bad about it.

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And oh my gosh, let me change my behavior

because it made so and so feel this way.

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When in all actuality, at least in

the Buddhist or Stoic perspective,

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even if you've done something wrong,

like maybe said something and it

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triggered them, you're still not

responsible for their reaction because

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how they internalize what you said.

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What I mean by this, now I know

your head's probably like, What?

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As a people pleaser my whole life

has been trying to control people's

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reactions, and now you're telling

me it's none of my business?

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It's not.

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Here's another example.

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I'm thinking of this

meme that goes around.

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There's this drawing and it's about bees.

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And the one side, there's

this man who's really angry.

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He's like, Oh, all these damn

bees are around stinging everyone.

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I'm going to spray stuff.

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They're really angry.

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And then on the other side, the person's

all smiling like, Oh my goodness.

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There's bees!

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That means that the

population's increasing!

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They're not going extinct, and oh,

they're feeding off of the flowers!

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This is so beautiful.

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Those both have to do with

your impersonal, internalized

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interpretation of the situation.

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So, holding up the sign, tell me more.

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Tell me more about the bees.

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Tell me more how the

bees are pissing you off.

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On the other side, this

has nothing to do with me.

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Like, it doesn't.

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That has to do with that person's

personal experience with bees.

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Maybe they have allergic

reactions to them, are scared,

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so they're lashing out anger.

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Whatever it may be, no pun intended,

it has nothing to do with you.

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With that said, it doesn't mean

to go out there and say what you

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want and be abrasive and be a jerk.

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Because remember, we want to be

impeccable with our words, and

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we want to do our best, right?

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We are part of a collective.

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We have social contracts and

agreements amongst each other.

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We're not living in anarchy.

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And plus you want to be of love and

light in the highest vibrations.

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Of course you want to

live your life that way.

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But as people pleasers, gives you a

little permission slip to take up some

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more space and Say your preferences,

and if it disappoints someone,

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that has nothing to do with you.

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They're an adult, and it's their

job to manage their emotions.

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It's not your job to

manage their emotions.

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If you're doing your best, you're

being impeccable with your words,

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and what you're saying and doing

is not based on assumptions, and

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it's not based on taking things

personally, then you are good to go.

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Hold that sign up.

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This has nothing to do with me.

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This is probably going to take a little

bit to sit with, within you, to simmer,

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because it's cognitive dissonance.

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Have you heard of this term?

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It's dissonance against what

your cognitive processes are.

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It's dissonance against

your belief systems.

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Probably.

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By the way, I'm recording this and I

just saw a bunny go across the yard.

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Love it.

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Symbolism there.

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I'll let you sit with that.

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A bunny was just frolicking

through the yard.

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So adorable.

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Taking things personally is what

got us into this people pleaser

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mess probably in the first place.

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Making assumptions and taking

things personally are probably

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some of the two biggest shifts

that we can make internally.

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end those behaviors and start to be

more centered in the moment, holding

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the sign, understanding that if someone

is disappointed with my decision, with

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my boundary, with my no, if someone is

disappointed that I have a different

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point of view, if someone is disappointed

that I hear their opinions, but I

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don't have the same opinion and I'm

not going to listen to them, I'm going

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to listen to my inner guidance system,

um, that has nothing to do with you.

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And that everyone is a grown adult.

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They are old enough now to

learn to manage their emotions.

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And if they haven't developed that

skill for me, I have to remind

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myself, it's still not my job to

play a therapist or rescuer, to

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constantly help them do that as well.

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I am a person who overanalyzes herself.

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Like, shoot, I intellectualize everything.

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I can tell you why I took this

personally and what assumption it was

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based on and what that's related to.

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And the domino effect is

that I do tons of reflection.

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Then I purposely practice

things and put tools in place,

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like meditation, breath work.

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All these different things to help

me regulate my nervous system.

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If I'm doing that, then it

tells me that other people could

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make some baby steps as well.

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They could.

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It's hard work and a pain

in the ass sometimes, right?

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Being on this healing journey.

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Sometimes you're like, I just want

to be, I don't want to keep healing.

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but I still persevere, so that

tells me that other people are

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capable in their own way, in their

own level, of doing the same.

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So this is your permission slip

as a recovering people pleaser

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to focus on your internal job.

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Internally, what do you need?

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Internally, work on the four

agreements and Timber Hawkeye's sign.

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It's your permission slip to

put that as numero uno and leave

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everyone else's emotions internal

guidance systems to themselves.

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They are sovereign beings with their own

inner guidance, there are own emotional

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regulation possibilities and tools.

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That's not for you to worry about.

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Just worry about putting your life

through the four agreement filter

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and worrying about that sign that you

hold up when people are complaining

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and you don't take things personally

and you don't take on their emotions.

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My fellow empaths, you don't take

on their energy as your energy.

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That's where it begins!

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It can't be any simpler than that to me.

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From my perspective, those are

some of the foundational things

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that will flip the script for you.

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I suggest you follow both Buddhist

Boot Camp or Timber Hawkeye on social

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media and also Don Miguel Ruiz.

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I will link the books and these

wonderful humans in the show notes.

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Highly, highly recommend.

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I would also love to hear what you

recommend, because I'm all about

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some new books and new perspectives.

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Drop them in the comments or let me know.

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Send me a DM on social

media @JennyLeckey_.

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I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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So go on with your day.

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Don't make assumptions.

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Don't take things personally.

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Be impeccable with your

words and do your best.