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23 for 2023
Episode 7510th November 2022 • How Not to Screw Up Your Kids • Dr Maryhan
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Alright, so this episode is all about New Year's resolutions and its only November!!! Please just go with it as it could quite literally change your life and inspire your children too. 

It all starts with this simple question “If you could design your life for 2023; how it makes you feel, who you want to spend it with, and what experiences you want to have, how would you design it?”. 

In this episode I will share the answers I gave in 2020 for my 21 for 2021 and how I’m doing it differently in 2023. Are you ready to join me?? 

 

Here are the highlights: 

(22:22) The most wonderful time of the year 

(06:45) Ask yourself one simple question 

(12:19) A love-hate relationship with meditation 

(16:10) Be more intentional 

(19:48) 70% of our behaviour is driven by subconscious habit 

(23:46) The start of my 23 for 2023 

(26:47) Are you doing what you really want to do? 

Find out more and connect with Dr.Maryhan at www.drmaryhan.com  

Would you like more support beyond the podcast? Join the How Not to Screw Up Your Kids Community

To access the free resources mentioned in this episode visit https://drmaryhan.com/library  

To purchase your ticket for my next online talk visit  'Tantrums & Meltdowns' on Thursday 23rd February 2023

This Podcast Proudly Produced by the Podcast Boutique: www.thepodcastboutique.com

Transcripts

for:

All of you who tune in regularly every Thursday when my new podcast episode comes out, who download or who? Those of you who just discovered me for the first time. I am so incredibly grateful. When I set up this podcast a year and a half ago, I had no idea it was going to reach so many people across the whole world.

So just to give. A bit of an idea and to maybe say hello to those of you who are listening. We've got listeners in America, Australia, New Zealand, Guatemala, Ri Lanka, India, Ukraine. So many countries, Sorry if I've missed you off. We're literally global and it genuinely. Really, genuinely blows my mind that I sit here with my headphones on, with my podcast Mike and my computer, talking to myself, , what feels like talking to myself, and then my amazing podcast production company do their magic.

It gets loaded up onto Spotify and Apple, and you listen to it on your dog walks, in your car, in your homes. I hear. From some of you that your teens and your children are listening by choice and others who say that their children and teens are listening, not by choice, but I am so, so grateful. So thank you very much.

And I would make one request, if I may, and that is that people find the podcast. If the podcast has been rated and reviewed, and some of you have already done that, and so thank you, thank you. But if you could spare some time after you've listened to this episode and rate the podcast and just write a small review, that would be amazing because that is how other parents who have not yet heard of how not to screw up your kids will find us, and hopefully we'll build an even bigger and more incredible global community.

for:

It is quite genuinely my most favorite day of the year. I've got very, very fond memories of my sort of childhood and then even into my teens and my early twenties, spending New Year's Eve quite often with my mother and making New Year's resolutions. Sort of looking at it from that world of possibility, and that's what makes New Year's Eve so incredible and for me quite genuinely.

I look forward to it so much more than Christmas cuz it's about reflecting on the year, which has been, and really looking optimistically forward to the year ahead. And for me it really doesn't get any better than that. You see, I'm a planner. A lover of order systems, goals, schedules, and stationary to write all, all these lovely things down with multicolored pens and highlighters.

nk you get the picture now in:

ar's resolutions in December,:

I love all of these things, but what I learned during that period of time of the pandemic is that plans can change literally overnight in an uncontrollable way. And being somebody who is a control enthusiast who's talked often about her control enthusiasm, it was something that. That really sort of sat with me that these new resolutions that I had done year in, year out, and we all know the statistics about New Year's resolutions and I can't remember the exact number, but something ridiculous, like 70% of New Years re resolutions are broken literally in the first day.

. And I did this in December,:

for:

It's something that takes time. It takes a lot of thought because actually, if you want this to work, the way that I found that it works for me, and I really hope that you'll engage with it in the same way, is that actually it's so much more meaningful than just simply setting goals. And I did this with a.

In:

If I could design my life for:

I then chose to live my:

I'm gonna eat more healthy. I'm gonna exercise more. I'm gonna say no more. All of these sorts of things that we set, these gold and aspirations. I'm gonna run a marathon. I'm gonna climb a mountain. Whereas, which we tend to kind of put, sort of pull out I think sometimes, not cuz we really necessarily connect with them ourselves, but because it's almost like we feel that we ought to.

But going about it this way and really thinking about, okay, if I could really design my life, if I could think about how I genuinely want to live my life, the experiences I want to have, the people I want to engage with, how I want to. Each and every day. Then we come to a whole different list. And some of you might be thinking, For goodness St.

that I came up with in:

just start with what I did in:

d I can quite honestly say in:

You might resonate with some of these. You might not. These are what I chose, but I really want you to think about what this might mean for you in terms of how you connect with yours. So that was my first one. The second one was spend more time with people who bring me joy and less time with those who don't.

And I can honestly say I did that. The third one was laugh more because I have a tendency to be too serious and life is way too short. Now, I would love to say that I laughed more. I'm not convinced I did, but I was very conscious and very aware to try and lighten the mood where I could. I think I'm quite naturally quite a serious person.

silly person, but I think in:

Number five, Weekends are not working days, I'll be honest. I was very good with that at the beginning and then not very good at the in the end. So I will be honest, I did. Really shift that, but because I was consciously aware of that, I did make an effort, but it didn't happen. Number six, Say yes to new experiences.

ones that I'm looking at for:

The irony that I did that in:

So I get to choose when I retire, and I am proud to say that I. I set up various different regular accounts and payments to ensure that that's happening. And again, that's a work in progress as we all know. Anything with an investment perspective is a long term rather than a short term fix. But I am really proud that that is something that I did.

I made really big inroads in:

So yes, I did meditate sometimes, but no, I did not meditate as much as I wanted to. So that's still a work in progress. Number 12, Make healthy decisions on what I feed my body more often than unhealthy decisions. Life is about balance, not abstinence. I would say that that was probably, oh, let's just be supremely honest, and I had bouts of being supremely healthy and bouts of being supremely unhealthy.

So I would say that that probably didn't change in the year. So that. In the interest of honesty, um, commit to exercise each and every day. I feel so much better for it and my energy and cloudy levels sore and I absolutely a hundred percent. Obviously there were some days that I couldn't because I was either not very well or for whatever reasons, it was just not possible.

for:

So I'm really proud of that. Finish work at 3:00 PM every Friday so I can enjoy a long lingering weekend to relax and recharge. That was my number 17, and I would say that I made a huge inroad around finishing work early on a Friday, and that was a big one. 18, take more photographs so I can savor all those precious memories.

Year after. No, I did not. Number 19, read one chapter from a book each and every day. Inspiring stories. Remind me of what's possible and how incredible the human spirit is. No, I did not. I did read, but not one chapter. Switch off from all digital devices at 7:00 PM Monday to Saturday, and all day on a Sunday.

No, I did not. Um, I did most of the time, and I can say that I was supremely acing that, right? Probably up until about April or May, and then it all went downhill. But the sentiment was there. Remember the saying we can only do better when we know better to forgive myself of all my perceived poor choices, and I remind myself of.

for:

ision about is I'm looking at:

ht I did a pretty good job in:

Be aware of the things that we really want to do, rather than the things that we feel that we should do. And that's a supremely. Important thing to do. I think as parents, we are naturally torn and jug. You know, we, we are pulled and pushed in so many different directions. We talk about this concept of self care.

We talk about being true to who we are, but in essence, our children learn. From how we behave, what we model for them and for me, if we can start with a real conscious, active basis of really knowing ourselves, really being kind to ourselves and finding ways that we can think about. In that year ahead, giving myself a real chance, How might I find peace?

eople. So what I've looked at:

Genuine truths rather than this difference between what I really want and what I think I should want. Because if I can really connect to the truths to really understand who I am and what's important to me, I'm much more likely to put in place habits and goals and aspirations. That are aligned, that fit with the person that I want to be.

And when my children see me acting from a place of truth, from things that are aligned from being who I truly am and all of any the cliched words that you might hear about my authentic truth. It's not that they're cliched, but it's that real truth of when we've seen people doing things that they love, being happy with what they love, and really kind of being present that.

They flourish, they grow, they light up. You just their energy and being around that person is incredible. And what that models for our children is that that looks different for different people. But when we are really true with ourselves, we can achieve. Incredible things that are incredible to us. It's not about pleasing other people.

It's not about ticking other people's boxes. It's not about setting you as resolutions that include climbing mountains or running marathons or eating healthily or losing weight, or setting up a fitness regime, whatever, or whatever it is. Writing a book, whatever it is that we might think that we repeat year in, year out of things that we're going to change, but actually going, you know, lots of people might have run a.

In their New Year's resolution. Lots of people might have in their New Year's resolutions around eating more healthily or writing a book. I don't care what anyone else has in there. Maybe it's about getting to bed early, whatever it might be. It's actually, is this something that I want and is this something that is my truth that is aligned to me?

Or is it something that I feel that I should be doing because, so 70% of our behavior is driven. From our unconscious, they're habit forming things that we do without realizing it. Those habits of waking up, picking up a mobile phone and instantly scrolling through social media or checking the news, or that's the stuff that we do habitually and 70% of the decisions that we make and the way that we live our lives and the behavior.

s, but actually how can I, in:

How can I be really honest with myself about the things that I've loved about it? The things that I would change about it? How do they sit with me? How comfortable am I with these things? Is that something that I want to repeat? Which aspects of my life are working, which aren't? Because when we do that, We can achieve so much.

for:

for:

for:

Your children will be observing you doing this because you'll be talking about it. You'll be buzzing about it. I spent ages talking about this. I talked about it in my membership. I talked about it in my, you know, free Facebook groups back then. I was back on, I was on social media. I talked to anybody. I talked to friends.

for:

for:

Entrenched habits and make some different choices. You do it from a place of knowledge. So just for a minute I'll stop talking about what it is and actually give you, I've spent a lot of time going over mine, so I'm gonna have 23 things, and I'm gonna give you the eight that I've come up with so far. And these are very much in rough forms, but I've written them as 23 truth.

I intend to live:

Doesn't mean that it doesn't have to be in the morning, but I'm being honest with myself and that I know. That for me to be a sane, lovely person to spend time with, I need to have some time on my own, and first thing in the morning is preferable. Number three, I feel capable of almost anything when I'm in a dress and heels.

Now, that's me. I love, there's just something about wearing a dress and heels for me, which feels incredible. That doesn't mean makeup. I can quite happily feel incredible without a scrap of makeup on, but the dress and the heels do it. And that's is looking at what's unique to us. So that's my third truth, my fourth truth.

I'm not very patient with people who repeatedly fail to take action despite having had all the best advice. Now, that's the truth because it's really important that I'm honest with myself with that, because that at least explains why I get frustrated. So, Number five, I hate mess. It makes me angry, so it doesn't make me frustrated.

It doesn't make me irritable. It actually generally makes me angry to the point that probably quite rageful. And I'm being honest, number six, I need to reflect daily, or I need to have a reflective practice every day. And this doesn't always have to be written down. So for me, I, I know that that process of reflection is really, really important.

But I also recognize that if it doesn't get written down, I don't need to beat myself up over it. A reflective practice in my head is, Number seven, being outside in nature and walking is the best head space ever. So again, it's that truth. I know that that's really important for me. So when I'm looking at setting up goals, it then becomes an important thing for me to make sure that I find the time to do.

And number eight, I don't particularly enjoy. , and this won't stop me doing it as I know I feel better for it afterwards. So again, it's that recognition that meditation isn't something that I naturally find easy, and yet I know that it is useful and helpful for me. So when I set a goal, for example, about meditating, maybe I'll do that, maybe I won't.

things I did for:

Big things, but if you could truly design your life how you want to feel, who you want to spend time with, and how the experiences you want to have, and without being the carb, because I genuinely am not, but if you really want to live each day as if it, you know, it's as if it was your last. Am I doing what I really want to do?

Am I, am I saying what I really want to? It. Looking at it from that perspective, now I will qualify this. There will be people listening to this who are in positions with whether it's their job, whether it's their relationship where you are not happy and you are not in a position to change it, and I get that.

This is not about just suddenly saying, Well, you just need to leave a, a difficult relationship, or You just need to change jobs. But if that's not living to your truth, if that's not how you want to experience the next year, as you do that reflective practice on this year, what can you do to begin to shift the dial on that?

Is there a conversation that you need to have? Can you begin if you are in a job that you don't enjoy or career you're not enjoying? Can you begin to start researching to start taking some steps into the direction that you might want to do? If you're not clear about it, maybe there might be some research.

Have conversations with people if you do know what you want to do, are there ways that you can begin to create a bit of flexibility so that you can begin to do some of the things that you really want, whilst also balancing the inevitable financial pressures that we all have. I'm a real believer that we can make change.

It's scary sometimes, but when we really commit to asking ourselves some really probing questions and being really honest with those answers, we can begin to design a life that doesn't revolve around when the children are older. I will do this, but much more. What can I begin to? Now to be the person that I really want to be, to live the way that I want to live, to spend time with the people who matter to me, to have the experiences that matter to me within the framework and the challenges that I might have right now, because that helps us be that better parent that helps us not screw up our kids.

That helps teach our children a model to our children, how important it is that they stay true to who they. Because that's what attracts and radiates people towards them and the friendships that they have and their emotional wellbeing and their mental health comes from living in alignment with who they really are rather than who they think they ought to be.

for:

And I'd love it if you can share with me what yours are. Do write in, do email. You know, I'm aware that with the podcast it can some quite often be just like a one way process. I know some of you already are doing an incredible job at emailing me in and telling me what you think and giving me ideas, and I love that and I would love more of you to do that.

for:

So all you have to do is head over to my free resource library, dr maryanne.com/library, where you'll find the link to download the resource. All you have to do is pop in your email address and you'll get instant access, not only to this week's podcast resource, but all the other resources across all my other.

As ever. If you have enjoyed this episode, I would love it if you could follow and review this podcast so that others can find us and we can spread the love. So until next time.

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