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“Herman” by Coda
1st May 2023 • The Voice of Dog • Rob MacWolf and guests
00:00:00 00:29:31

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The river has turned purple. Herman will know how to fix it; the only problem is that you’re still in love with him.

Today’s story is “Herman” by Coda, which first appeared in the Southern Humanities Review. Coda is a writer and marine biologist currently based on the Oregon Coast. You can find more of his stories on his Medium page.

Read for you by Rob MacWolf — werewolf hitchhiker.

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https://thevoice.dog/episode/herman-by-coda

Transcripts

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You’re listening to The Voice of Dog.

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This is Rob MacWolf, your fellow traveler,

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and Today’s story is

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“Herman” by Coda, which first appeared in the Southern Humanities Review.

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Coda is a writer and marine biologist currently based on the Oregon Coast.

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You can find more of his stories

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on his Medium page.

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Please enjoy “Herman”

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by Coda You’ve always considered yourself lucky

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to live in a city bisected by a large river,

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but recently the water has turned purple.

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It’s not a brilliant

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purple—in fact, it’s hardly noticeable

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—but water from the river is used to irrigate the pastures where your state’s cows graze.

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Something about their biology

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—the four stomachs or the chewing of cud, you’re not sure

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—concentrates the color,

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turning their milk

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lavender. This is how people notice at first.

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“Is it Purple Rain or Just a

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Sign o’ the Times?”

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your state’s newspaper boldly asks,

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but the article is locked behind a paywall.

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You wonder if anyone younger than you will get the Prince reference.

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You make a note on your phone to learn more about cow internal anatomy.

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Maybe the color could be a selling point for your city,

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you think, a quirky story to help forget the protests and the smashed windows and the smoke

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that turns the sky gray and the sun orange.

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Maybe if you tweet about it,

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you’ll finally go viral.

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But not now, later.

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Another note for your phone:

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Visit our city, the color of dreams.

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The mayor says the water,

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and the milk, are still safe to drink, but you don’t trust the mayor.

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You drive out to the Locks,

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and the sun watches you like the eye of a malevolent god.

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Herman will know what’s really going on with the river

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because he’s a sturgeon and because he’s the Gatekeeper of the Locks.

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You and Herman met in second grade.

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You grew up in the same small town, but you left for the city,

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and he stayed. He’s obscenely tall and

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could dunk even as a freshman.

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He was barred from your school’s basketball team for this reason; it just wouldn’t be fair.

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If they’d let him play, maybe he could have gotten out of this town on a scholarship.

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You wonder if he’s happy here,

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if he has regrets,

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or if he holds any grudges,

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but you know you should keep these musings to yourself.

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You park next to his little red truck.

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He could afford something nicer, but maybe he likes the way it looks.

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The house is small

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and rustic, not quite a log cabin but

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close enough to make you jealous.

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Even though it’s late in the season,

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his pink azaleas are in full bloom.

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When he opens the door,

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you notice he’s developed a bit of a belly.

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You say, “Hello Gatekeeper,”

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and he grins, “Hello Anadromous.”

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You’re not a fish,

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but “Hello Senior Public Relations Manager,” would sound depressing,

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and “anadromous” is true:

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You hunted downriver for things silvery and bright,

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and now you’ve traced the current home.

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He hugs you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders so that you feel like a child,

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and offers you a cold beer.

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Your long period of loneliness sloughs away

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like rotten flesh.

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The thirsty azaleas absorb it with their roots.

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You say, yes. Herman has a deck that overlooks the water.

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It’s not too hot today, and the smoke is high and thin.

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Together you recline and sip and

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look out over the withering, yellow maple trees to the river.

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You catch up on the goings-on of your town: who’s gotten divorced,

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whose kids are prodigies and whose are fuckups,

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all the usual scandals that mean nothing to anyone anywhere else.

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When you’re halfway through your beer,

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you ask about the water.

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He sighs. You wait.

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You knew that as soon as you said it, the reason for your visit would be obvious, but you couldn’t help it.

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“It’s the dam,” he finally says.

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He doesn’t look at you as he says this but instead out at the curved concrete wall that holds back the river

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and generates about a quarter of your city’s electricity.

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You imagine chemicals leaching into the water from its internal structures,

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the turbines made with spent uranium,

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or maybe there’s something in the concrete.

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“There’s a new algae growing in the lake behind the dam,”

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he explains. “Is it harmful?”

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You try not to let your disappointment show.

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“I don’t know.” “Where did it come from?”

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“Who knows?” You follow his gaze toward the dam,

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but your focus remains in your peripheral vision,

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on his body language.

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You seek some hint that he’s being intentionally

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evasive. He rubs the long scar on his neck absentmindedly.

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When he was younger,

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he worked as a professional sturgeon for the Locks’ aquarium.

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He lived in a gray, mucky tank with a few other fish,

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cruising back and forth,

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posing for selfies with the occasional disappointed tourist lured off the highway by a faded road sign’s promise:

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MEET A LIVING DINOSAUR TODAY.

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The work was dull,

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but the free housing meant he was able to save a lot of money in a relatively short period of time

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and purchase a home before the real estate market skyrocketed.

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One afternoon at the aquarium,

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while Herman was napping,

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someone jumped into his tank with a large folding knife and attacked him.

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Having thick skin and a slow metabolism, he wasn’t gravely injured, but you can imagine how those slashes must have hurt.

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The attacker went to court, of course,

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but couldn’t explain why he’d attacked Herman.

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It was a mindless compulsion.

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Since Herman survived,

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the man walked away with a $200 fine.

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Sturgeon fishing is allowed,

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after all, but he didn’t have a fishing license, and Herman was far over the legal size limit.

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“Do you think I should get a water filter?”

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you prod. You’re not sure if you can get anything more out of him.

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“The dam will have to come out.”

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He stands abruptly and walks inside.

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Soon he returns with two glasses of whiskey,

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a large, square ice cube in each.

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“Why will the dam have to come out?”

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“Algae is hard to kill.

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Poison it all you want, it’ll come back.

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The dam changed the river.

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Made it a good place for algae.

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Only way to get rid of the algae is to change the river back.”

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“But then you’d lose your job.

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And ships wouldn’t be able to come up the river.”

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He tilts his glass toward you and

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makes an affirmative click

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with his tongue. This whole time, he’s yet to make eye contact.

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You wonder what you’d see there,

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in those little black eyes,

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if he ever looked at you directly.

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“Do you still like to swim in the lake? Does the algae bother you?”

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“It’s a peculiar feeling.

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It sort of numbs the gills.

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I kind of like it.” “That doesn’t sound healthy.”

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He chuckles at this and sips his whiskey.

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“Sorry, I just . . . You know I care about you.

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I worry sometimes.

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It must be lonely out here.”

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He doesn’t react. The day is heating up, and a warm breeze is starting to flow up the canyon

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and into the high desert. “Have

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you ever been swimming in the nude?”

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he asks. “Skinny dipping? Never.”

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“It feels nice. You can float on your back,

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let the sun wander over everything.

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How often can you do that in the city?”

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“Not very often. Not at all.”

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He studies the canyon.

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A train is going by on the far side of the river, transporting goods inland.

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Its horn sounds closer than it really is,

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the sound moving easily over the water.

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“You never know when everything is going to change,”

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he says. “You shouldn’t take anything for granted.

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Not a single day.”

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He’s such an awkward flirt, you think.

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“Let me finish my whiskey first.”

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He smiles. So you finish your whiskey

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and follow him down the trail through the dry grass to the river.

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A blackberry bush is overgrowing the trail, and for a few minutes, you both pause and pluck the ripest, sweetest berries.

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You stain your fingers and tongues. You remember why you love it here.

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The flat, orange light makes it feel like it’s sunset, though it’s closer to midday.

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It’s not hard to imagine that this is a memory,

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that you’re both still young,

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and his belly and scars are gone, and the sky is still blue, and the river is blue too.

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You strip out of your clothes, and you hunch, self-conscious at first, but soon you’re both in the water and feeling utterly free.

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It’s warm, like a swimming pool.

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You look down at your body

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and find it purplish.

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The algae tingles on your skin.

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Maybe it’s the whiskey.

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He’s floating on his back

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with his eyes closed.

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You do the same. You find his hand with yours.

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His rough grip is an old, familiar comfort.

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“Do you think the world is ending?”

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you ask. “Does this feel like an ending?”

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“It feels like a memory,”

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you confess. His hand tenses.

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Come back to our town, you want him to say.

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Live with me. Let’s be like we were.

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Let’s be what we could have been.

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And maybe it really is what he’s thinking.

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But it’s not what he says.

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“All I know is this lake,”

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he says. “My whole life, it’s all I’ve known.

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Even if it’s purple.”

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There’s nothing you can say to this.

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You squeeze his hand, and he squeezes back.

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“When the dam goes, I’ll wash away,”

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he says. When? you think.

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“Maybe it’s for the best.”

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You hesitate, searching for the words.

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“Don’t you ever wonder . . .

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Didn’t you ever want to leave?”

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“Of course I did,” he says, hoarse.

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He lets go; you drift apart.

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“Then why?” He turns away from you,

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just slightly, but it’s clear enough.

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He’s closed off now.

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You try to change the subject, sort of.

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“I wonder if it’s hurting the baby cows.

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If it’s concentrated like that.”

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“I wish it was,” he mumbles.

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He turns back to you, and you finally

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see the emotion in his eyes.

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Rage. Not at you but at something

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far bigger, something too big to name. He speaks clearly now,

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“I wish it were deadly.”

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The water washes over his gills.

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You feel small in his gaze.

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You turn his words over on the drive home.

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Your car exhales carbon dioxide, just like you.

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You understand what he means. It’s not that he wants to die.

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It’s that if this were a real crisis, maybe it would be enough for you to change course.

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If things were worse, maybe you would have stayed, gotten drunk

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and picked blackberries by the river

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and held each other while the world ended.

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Your phone buzzes with a notification from your boss.

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You check your notes.

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You begin to compose an email using voice-to-text,

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ideas for a new ad campaign so more cars will come and bring more people to spend more money

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in this beautiful city,

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your city, the city that is the color of dreams.

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That night, you dream the scene again.

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You follow him down to the lake.

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Your hand explores more than just his hand.

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You end up on the beach.

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The sand is soft, so much softer than in real life.

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You wake early, too early to call,

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so you send him a groggy text.

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Something about the dream, something you know you’ll regret sending, but you can’t stop yourself.

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You try to forget what you felt when you were asleep,

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the easy happiness of knowing you’d finally chosen to do what’s right.

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You haven’t sent the email to your boss.

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At the last minute, you didn’t have the heart; it all felt so trite and pointless.

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Now, your phone buzzes again.

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He’s getting annoyed.

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You’re behind schedule, as usual.

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Never mind that it’s Sunday.

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You clutch your phone tightly,

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fight the urge to hurl it across the room.

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Something is changing.

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Or something has changed. You’re not sure yet.

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You never should have gone to see Herman;

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it’s thrown you off balance.

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You’re straight up and down,

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but everything else looks tilted.

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You do your breathing exercises, and they help,

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a little. You reflexively check your phone and quickly undo the calm.

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There’s a creature in your stomach chewing;

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that’s what it feels like. You need to act.

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The creature nudges you, go,

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go, go. Where? Why? How?

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The dam. Not the

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actual dam, but the Wikipedia article about the dam.

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You learn about the Hogs,

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huge salmon that once swam far up your river. Like most salmon, they spent five years at sea,

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fattening up for the long journey back to their spawning grounds.

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After the dam was built,

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for five years, those salmon returned.

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Each year, they encountered an enormous concrete wall. They threw themselves against it.

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Their bodies glistened in the sun.

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Finally, in year six,

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there were no more Hogs.

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“Conflict,” a subheading reads.

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You learn about the people who fought for the salmon.

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The people who fought for their village, which was submerged in the rising waters.

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They had lived there for thousands of years, but on one day in 1957, the flood came from the east and drank it all up.

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You learn about the falls, which were perhaps the best fishing grounds in all of North America

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—“the Wall Street of the West,” the article says—because so many people from so many places converged here to fish, trade, and mingle.

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You imagine a kind of New York City growing up all around you,

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all those different lives and stories and voices.

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You can almost hear the clamor.

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There were several attempts to blow up the dam, but they all failed.

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So far, you think.

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Not because you want to blow up the dam. You would never do such a thing. You wouldn’t know where to begin.

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But it’s suddenly clear to you that it

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shouldn’t exist. You want to text Herman,

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to find out if he already knew all of this,

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but you’re confronted with the message you sent at 4 A.M.

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and get cold feet.

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It wasn’t just the salmon;

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sturgeon are anadromous too.

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What has he been cut off from that he never told you about?

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Why did you never know to ask?

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If anyone would want to blow up the dam, it would be him.

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And if anyone would know how,

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also him. He knows the internal structure of the dam better than anyone. He has the access. He could do it.

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You remember what he said,

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You never know when everything is going to change.

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When the dam goes

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. . . Was he already plotting something?

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Was he trying to tell you?

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To hell with texting; you’re going back.

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The creature in your stomach cheers you on, faster, faster. You feel your pockets: phone, wallet, keys. You fill up a water bottle

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and grab a granola bar, just in case.

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Then you’re off, flying back

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up the highway—east,

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to the Locks. You pull up in front of Herman’s house,

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but his truck isn’t there.

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You knock anyway.

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Nothing. You climb over the railing and follow the deck around back, peer in the sliding glass doors.

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It’s dark inside; he’s not home. There’s

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only one other place to look.

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You cruise up to the Locks’ aquarium slowly, pretending to drive like a tourist.

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It’s not crowded.

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Not many people want to see sturgeon these days,

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and not many people go outside at all during smoke season.

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You walk through the old outdoor exhibits,

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past weathered sculptures of giant fish.

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The cedar trees have all died of fungus and haven’t been taken down yet, but the salal bushes are growing ever taller.

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They reach out to you as you walk the paved paths,

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almost desperate for you to eat their purple, bell-shaped berries.

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They’re not your favorite, but you oblige.

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The sturgeon tanks are full of unfamiliar faces, all teenagers working summer jobs.

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None of them know Herman or your history.

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They stare blankly out at the world.

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You see one in the back, crouching half out of the water.

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On their phone and hoping not to be caught, no doubt.

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You check the visitor center.

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Finally, some fish you know.

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The Twins, a couple of Herman’s old coworkers, are rearranging plush stuffed sturgeons on a shelf.

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Looks like they run the place now.

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“Oh, hello,” they say in unison.

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It’s not just the patterns of scutes on their faces that are identical;

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their actions are too.

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You’ve never been able to tell them apart.

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“Are you here to try to stop Herman?”

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“Stop him from doing what?”

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They smile the same smile, their barbels curling slightly upward.

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“Removing the dam of course.”

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Their voices are high but not musical.

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Almost robotic. You’ve always found this unsettling, but Herman got along with them well.

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He always told you that you were too judgmental.

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You try to play it cool.

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“So, he’s going to do it then?”

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“Yes, it appears so.”

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“How do you know?” You’re unsure what they’re capable of.

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Seeing the future does not seem out of the question.

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They laugh. “He stopped by to tell us.

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He wanted to make sure everyone was out of the blast zone.”

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“But you’re still here?”

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“We have some time yet.

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It won’t be a very big explosion.”

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“I wasn’t trying to stop him.”

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You feel defensive now.

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You don’t want them to think that you’re on the wrong side of this.

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“Then why are you chasing him?

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Did you want to help?”

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“No, I just . . . ” You have no answer, at least, no answer that doesn’t sound stupid and desperate.

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“Will he be okay?” “He’ll be okay,”

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they smile. “He won’t be able to stay afterward, though.

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He’ll be in big trouble.

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He’ll have to go somewhere else.”

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“How much longer do you think I have?”

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“You shouldn’t go after him.”

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“How much longer?” They shrug.

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“A little while. That’s all we know.”

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“Thank you.” “You’re welcome.”

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They smile and go back to arranging the toy sturgeons.

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You jog out to your car, and the Twins’ question follows.

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Are you trying to stop him?

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You can’t stand the thought of him leaving.

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You thought he’d always be here, just a two-hour drive away.

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You recall a moment when you were both fourteen or fifteen. You were building a dam in the creek behind your house.

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It was something you’d done a lot when you were little kids, catching frogs, stacking rocks.

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You were too old for it now, but he was taking engineering classes,

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and he was excited to apply what he’d learned.

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You loved watching him think, letting him guide you to place the rocks in the right places.

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Your arms brushed, on accident at first.

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You were in the woods,

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hidden by maple leaves,

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gurgling water, and petrichor.

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It was safe. It was the first time you confessed your feelings for each other.

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You looked out at the little lake you’d both made and told him

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that it felt like there was a lake inside you.

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That for your whole life, things had been pouring in,

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but that nothing could get out,

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that you felt so heavy.

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He nodded. You kicked the dam down, rock by rock, together.

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The water flowed free again.

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You took for granted the love you found so easily as a teenager.

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You were sure you were destined for bigger and better things.

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You left him. You don’t expect him to forgive you.

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When you find his truck out on the dam, you park beside it.

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It’s easy to follow him in; he left the high-security door wide open.

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You find him hunched over a box full of complicated wiring.

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The turbines roar in the background. It’s humid,

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and in places, moss and lichen grow on the walls.

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Somehow, he hears your footsteps over the din and turns.

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He doesn’t look surprised to see you.

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“I sent you a text,”

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you say. “I know,” he says.

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You stand there, dumbly.

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“I still love you too.”

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You feel the tears start to well.

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He sighs and goes back to his wiring.

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You rush up, hug him around his back. He turns to face you, wraps you up. You feel safe again, just for a moment,

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until he pushes you away.

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“Go. When I set this off, you’ll only have a few minutes to get out of here.”

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You wipe your eyes.

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“Okay.” “Sturgeon live a long time,”

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he says. “Maybe I’ll see you again someday.”

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He grabs your hand,

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presses something cold and hard into your palm.

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Then he spins you and with a gentle shove, sets you in motion.

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You look down. The key to his house.

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“Take good care of it,”

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he says. “I will,” you say, but you don’t stop.

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You drift out to your car,

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get inside, hardly hear the door shut.

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You motor back to the aquarium.

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The parking lot is empty now.

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A closed sign hangs in the window of the visitor center.

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You thought the Twins might stay to watch, but they’re gone.

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You get out of your car, walk to the overlook,

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and lean against the cedar railing.

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At this distance, the dam

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is a perfectly smooth, pale gray wall.

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You feel like a cloud,

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like the slightest gust of wind could blow you away.

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When it happens, the water goes up into the sky in a single beam.

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The Twins were wrong;

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it’s a big explosion.

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The wall crumbles in slow motion.

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You see the shock wave coming before it hits you, and you plug your ears.

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It knocks you backward.

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You catch yourself, skin your palms, and feel a raw,

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tingling pain you haven’t felt since childhood.

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The thunder dissipates.

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Then comes the rain.

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Purple rain. Light at first,

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then heavier and heavier.

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You lift yourself up and peer through the downpour.

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The old village is emerging.

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All around it, the water glimmers.

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Thick, silvery bodies rise and fall. They leap from the water and sparkle in the light.

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The Hogs. When the water is shallow enough, they jump up,

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raise their hands,

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and dance among the houses.

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The joyous crowd follows the edge of the lake as it recedes.

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A new channel is forming at the bottom of the lake bed, creating a waterfall where it reaches the broken remains of the dam.

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There, they jump back in,

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swim down the falls

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and back up again,

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laughing. You see how easy it is for them.

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This is what they were made for.

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There’s something else in the channel.

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An enormous, scaly back rising from the water.

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You know it’s him without needing to see anything more.

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His tail flexes one way,

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then the other. He glides toward the falls.

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You wonder if he’ll look up,

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say good-bye, acknowledge you at all, but the

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beating of his tail is steady.

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His purpose is clear.

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He doesn’t waver.

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When he reaches the falls, his dorsal fin flicks the air as he navigates the shallower water.

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His tail thrashes a few times, and you think, for a horrible moment, that he’s become stuck.

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But then he’s gliding forward again,

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out into deeper waters,

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where he disappears entirely.

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You raise your hand,

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tentatively, half-waving.

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Then your hand migrates to your chest,

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clutching at something painful but not unexpected.

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Eventually, the rain tapers off.

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A crowd has gathered on the hill where the new town is located, the one that was created for the people who were displaced all those years ago.

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They’re pointing,

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but you can’t make out their reactions from here.

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The sky is still gray with smoke,

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and the sun is still orange.

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In the distance, sirens howl.

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They’ll rebuild the dam, you understand, and who will question it?

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Many of us, surely,

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but large structures have a kind of inertia; they’re not so easily dismantled.

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If the water runs clear in the meantime, someday

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it will be purple again.

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People might even say that they missed it, that purple. It was pretty, wasn’t it?

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Maybe you’ll write about it,

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how the purple is back and how nice it is.

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And Herman will be gone.

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Everything will be the same,

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but Herman will be gone.

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But that’s far in the future.

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Now, in this moment,

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your hands are still stinging,

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and the salmon are still dancing.

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The old, drowned houses can breathe again.

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And you, you are different.

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In this moment, you believe

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that anything can change.

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This was “Herman” by Coda,

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read for you by READER, with CALLSIGN.

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You can find more stories on the web at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog.

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