Most of us are pretty rubbish at listening, aren't we?

In this episode, I’m joined by Colin Smith, aka The Listener — a man on a mission to change the way the world listens. We explore what it really feels like to be deeply heard (spoiler: it’s calming, empowering, and makes you feel safe), and what’s at stake when we’re not. Think disconnection, disengagement, even depression.

But we also get practical. Colin shares two beautifully simple listening practices you can try today — at work, at home, or even with your kids — to spark trust and connection in minutes.

If you’ve ever felt unheard, or you suspect you might be doing more talking than listening... this one’s for you.

🎧 Mentioned:

1. Two mini listening experiments that deepen trust quickly
2. Why “don’t fix it” might be the best career advice you’ve never heard
3. The real cost of not listening inside companies (hint: it’s not just talent loss)

👉 Want to begin your own joy-at-work redesign?

Start with my self-assessment tool ‘Derailed’ — it takes just 30 mins and might just change how you see everything: https://www.midlifeunstuck.com/derailed

👉 Want to learn more?

Dig into Practical Tactics for Better Listening: A Joy At Work Experiment with Lucia Knight: https://www.midlifeunstuck.com/podcast-episodes/active-listening

Come on, let's admit it.

Most of us are absolutely terrible at listening.

We interrupt, we rush to solve problems or we zone out waiting for

the moment when we can speak again.

In this episode, myself and Colin D Smith, who is known as the listener,

discuss why truly being Herod changes how people show up at work.

The silent damage caused by not listening, and two ridiculously simple practices

that deepen connection in seconds.

Try these two experiments out with a colleague, your partner, or your

child, and see what difference it makes to the quality of your conversation.

Let's dive in.

Colin, when we are in the presence of a great listener, what does it feel like?

That's such a great question and I always am asking that of others.

When you're in the presence of a great listener, what does it feel like?

And I've asked that question so many times, but I get a lot

of different responses and the sort of things that come up.

And these are the more popular ones.

Calm, a feeling of calm, comfortable.

I'm able to speak openly.

I feel appreciated.

I feel supported.

I feel understood,

I feel important to that person.

But the two that came through as mentioned most, they felt safe and they felt valued.

Listening enabled this to happen.

And these are all emotions that we would love to

feel, and it feels our society isn't necessarily prioritizing those emotions.

So this is one way that they can do that.

Now I'm really interested in the other side of that.

So when we are not feeling heard, how does that feel?

again, there's so many aspects of this,

parts of us.

Go quiet.

Our voice, our confidence.

Maybe trust.

Trust in them.

Trust in the situation, trust in the workplace.

Vulnerability.

Maybe I'm less willing to share belonging and we all want to belong,

although a lot of us will do everything we can to fit in, which means we're

compromising some of ourselves to fit in.

So not really belonging agency to really go, hang on a minute.

Something not quite right.

Maybe I don't say that.

And possibility, we lose hope.

And I know this sounds a little bit depressing, but a slow drip towards

maybe resignation, disconnection, worthlessness, depression, and

sadly, in some cases, suicide.

So listening really does matter.

It's what we need.

Okay, so this is a bit of a challenging question,

so bearing all that in mind.

So we want to feel these emotions.

When we're heard, we don't want to feel all of the other emotions when

we are not heard or not being truly

listened to.

But many of us, including our listeners, you and I probably, but many of us

are time poor, struggling to fit in the juggle the busy daily life.

I wonder if fully listening to another human being is perhaps a luxury.

That most of us can't afford.

I think it's a fair question.

And it could easily feel that way.

It's an easy answer.

We just don't have time for listening,

Yeah.

but I think it all changes when we have the

experience of feeling heard.

And how we change and some of the things that we've touched

on earlier come through.

And so I believe listening is not a luxury.

I think it is needed in today's world, even more than ever.

I think, and people I work with have said, you know what?

Since learning about listening.

Because there is a big difference between hearing, which is passive.

We don't have to do anything and listening, which is active,

I have to intend to listen.

They've said it's a superpower and listening is often been put in

that box of, oh, it's a soft skill.

HR will deal with it.

It's not a soft skill, it's a life skill.

If I'm working with young men and young women.

Young men, I teach them listening because it's really helpful to connect with

the women and the women say, please come and teach this to my husband.

Because we all of us wanna be heard, wanna feel valued, feel that we matter.

And for me, companies are people.

And so without your people, there is no company.

So what's the cost to your business of not listening, losing staff replacement costs?

They research shows that people leave because they're not heard by the manager.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Loss of ideas and creativity.

What's the point of speaking up?

Nobody ever takes any notice.

The boss comes in and says, we've got a problem.

This is what I think we should do.

Oh, what do you think?

Because they've been to this, the training which says you've gotta ask your people

what they think and they go, is anyone gonna say anything that's different?

Rather than, we've got a problem.

You are my valued resources.

I brought you in for this reason.

I wanna know what each and every one of you think 'cause

your thinking matters to us.

There's a loss of discretionary effort.

What's the point?

I've seen it with so many people.

I'm doing my best.

I've put these ideas up.

Nothing happens.

Okay.

You know what?

That's it.

And loss of clients because people go with clients, et cetera.

For efficiency, maybe a question at the start of a meeting, if

you haven't got much time, what would be most helpful for you?

And one could be, would you want to be hugged?

Which.

In the business, but maybe not, but certainly at home to your

wife, your children would you like to be hugged, heard, or helped?

Yeah.

most people wanna be heard and as we'll see a little bit

later, when you are really heard, you think better, you own your own

problems, you solve your own problems.

Okay, so it doesn't have to take a lot of time.

So we in theory, can afford it.

It, it is a luxury that we need to invest in rather than

a luxury that we can't afford.

So let's go really practical on that.

So if someone is listening and everything you've said has resonated.

What tiny little experiment could they try today or this week to allow someone

in their world to feel listened to?

Okay.

Two, two quick things for them to do.

The first one is don't fix or offer a solution.

Listen, be interested in where their thinking may go.

Don't interrupt even when you desperately want to.

I know I stop

when they finish speaking.

Wait.

Um, Maybe wait some more, three seconds, five seconds, eight seconds.

And notice they're still thinking.

And maybe even ask them if they really finished.

They usually haven't.

Just say, and what more?

And don't be surprised when they smile and carry on speaking.

Typically, they'll answer their own question.

Thank you for listening and go away.

You go.

And invariably, when you try and give them your answer, it's never as good as theirs.

So they go away committed and accountable for their answer.

That's the first one.

The second one is thinking together at work and with

loved ones, including children.

Agree a time, save five minutes and each takes your turn.

Agree to the give the other your full attention.

Agree not to interrupt or comment and just listen.

Ask the name.

So Lucia, what would you like to think about?

Alright, and you've got five minutes and I look after the five minutes

and at the end of the five minutes we switch over and at the end of both of

our time offer a word of appreciation.

And start it with Lucia.

One thing I appreciate about you today, and I'll do it genuinely,

is your aliveness, right?

It is.

It is 9:00 AM but what I appreciate most is your aliveness.

Right now all you have to do is let me take that in and say thank you.

Thank you.

And then you switch it over and you offer that because

feedback is about performance, what we do, appreciation is about who you are.

and the sort of things could be I appreciate today your flexibility,

your courage, your vulnerability, your diligence, your love, your

passion doesn't matter but be succinct, sincere, and specific.

Don't overthink about it.

Don't think about it beforehand.

Oh, Lucy, I must be able to say this to her today.

Sit with it and even ask that question.

One thing I appreciate about you is,

and just settle and let the word arrive and that's it.

They're the two things.

Have fun with them.

If you enjoyed this, you might also enjoy my

life satisfaction assessment.

It's a 30 minute program where I guide you through a deep dive into 10 areas

of your life to assess what's bringing you joy and what's bringing you down.

I call it derailed.

It's a fabulous place to begin at joy at work redesign.