It can be really hard to reach out and ask for help and support. Some people have trouble with this because they want to see themselves as competent and having it all together. Some people worry that asking for help will reduce the amount of control they have in a situation, and some people weren't given a lot of support or help with things early in life and find it hard to ask for help now. Angel investor Maia Bittner joins Dr. Emily in this episode to work through some steps that we can all take to get more comfortable asking others for help and support.

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Ready to break an emotional sweat? Welcome to Emotionally Fit with me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. As a therapist, I know that staying mentally healthy takes work and repetition. That's why I'll share Emotional Push-Ups, short, actionable exercises to help you strengthen your mental fitness. From improving your friendships to managing stress, let's flex those feels and do some reps together!

Hey there, Fit fans, I am so excited to be here today with angel investor Maia Bittner. Maia, thank you so much for being here with me today.

You for having me. I'm excited to chat with you.

Yeah, I'm excited too. And I'm curious, Maia, how good are you at asking for help and support from other people?

Terrible.

Yeah? Tell me a little more.

Yeah, I think because of how I grew up, but my inclination to lean on myself and sort of do it all on my own has also realistically benefited me a lot in my life. And so I see that, how much it's done for me, and when I try and look critically at the ways that it's holding me back, that's in conflict with how much it's done for me and it gets really hard to move forward.

I think you're speaking to such a common thing. When we are examining these things in our lives is that a lot of the things that have served us can also get in our way at times. And definitely the goal here is not to strip ourselves of these tendencies. It's just to examine when are they helping us and when are they getting in our way, so that we can be more intentional with when we draw on them as a tool and when we lean toward a different way of being.

So I'm really with you. I've noticed for myself, I'm good at asking for help in some areas of my life. I have no problem asking someone stronger than me to help me open a jar, for example. But then in other parts of my life, I have more trouble. Like delegating high stakes tasks at work or asking a friend to support me through a tough time. I'm a little less good at that.

Now, obviously, it can be really hard to allow ourselves to reach out for help and support for all kinds of reasons. Some people have trouble with it because they want to see themselves as competent and having it all together. Some people worry that asking for help will reduce the amount of control they have in a situation, which can be scary. And some people weren't given a lot of support or help with things early in life. And so it's hard to ask for it now.

I've worked with a lot of patients who, because they weren't given a lot of help and support when they were young, they kind of convinced themselves that they don't really need help or support now. They had to do it on their own. They figured out how to do it on their own. And by asking for help, they would have to challenge their entire identity as a self-sufficient person. By realizing that they need and benefit from help now, they might have to face the pain of not having received it when they really needed it the most before. So that being said, most of us know deep down that we can't do everything alone and that we're capable of more when we lean on others. But I'm curious what you think about all this, Maia.

Yeah. I think growing up... So the common mantra in my family actually sounds quite nice. So my parents always said, "I believe in your ability to do this on your own." And that was what always happened when I asked for help with something, is they'd say, "Maia, I believe in your ability to get this done on your own." But I think at the end of the day, even though it sounds nice and positive, it's still kind of a refusal and a shutdown. And it's like when you need help, it's not there for you. You have to figure it out. And so I've carried some of that with me in terms of people thinking... Well, what I get worried about is my identity, as you mentioned, which is like, "Will someone think that I can't do this if I ask them for help with it?" And that gets really challenging.

I think the other thing is I do have a lot of... I love to be in control of things, and so asking for help sometimes involves giving up some of that control. And is also, to be honest, I think doing so much on my own has benefited me in my career and I'm pretty good, not right, I can't do everything on my own. I'm not amazing, but I am pretty good at that.

I think in contrast, I'm actually not that good at working with other people. So communicating and working together and sharing my thought process and pulling them into designing the best solution, I'm not actually that good at that, and I know that. And so I've got some insecurity when I think about getting real help. Not just saying, "Can you do this small constrained task for me?" But really pulling somebody into the meat of a problem, I worry. I'm like, "Wait, I'm going to lose myself." I'm either just going to say, "Oh, however you want to do it is fine," and then I'm not going to be happy with the end result, or I'm going to bully them into doing it my way and kind of degrade the relationship along the way. So that insecurity, I have that, makes me shy away from it. And it's honestly, it's a relationship -preserving act sometimes as well, because I don't want to screw up how I try to involve a friend or a colleague in the nitty gritty.

Well, I think what you're saying is probably resonating with a lot of people, and that's the whole goal of these pushups, is a pushup is a small step, pushing ourselves just a little bit outside of our comfort zone so that we can practice something, and that over time we might move toward feeling a little more comfortable with that thing. So today's pushup is all about asking for help and support, and in particular, asking for this help in an area of our lives where we usually rely more on ourselves.

So Maia, step one of this pushup is to think of one area of your life where you tend to resist or avoid asking for help. Maybe you have trouble delegating at work. Maybe you've been thinking about starting therapy, but feel a little uncomfortable getting the process started. Maybe you've been meaning to ask a friend for advice, but you haven't yet.

So an example of this that I saw recently is a friend was telling me that she isn't great with numbers, and every year when it's time to do her taxes, she has a really hard time, she makes a bunch of mistakes. She ends up paying fees because she filed late or she paid the incorrect amount. And I asked her if she's considered working with a tax accountant so that she doesn't have to navigate it alone. And she told me that even though she's comfortable financially and she could afford a tax accountant, she feels resistant because she feels like she should be able to do it alone, and that it would mean that something is really wrong with her if she got help with it. So for those tuning in, press pause while you think of what this example might be in your life or keep listening to hear what Maia shares.

So Maia, what area of your life could you use in practice in when it comes to asking for help or support?

I have this meaty project that I should, I really need help with, and that's setting up the drainage at my house. And so I live in Washington State. It's famously rainy. Drainage is a really big deal here, and I live at the top of a high bluff over the ocean. And so not having my drainage set up well means basically that I'm eroding the cliff that my house depends on. And so it's pretty important that I get that figured out. But I've owned this house for two years and I've sort of worried about it for those two years, and I wake up in the middle of the night anxious about it, but it's a very difficult project for me to ask for help with.

That is a great example. Thank you for sharing that example with us, Maia. So step two then of the pushup is to spend a little bit of time thinking about why you feel resistant to asking for help with this. What do you worry it would mean about you if you needed support? What do you worry about losing? Control, for example, or having to face in yourself? Maybe asking for help would mean having to face that you're a vulnerable human who needs other humans. You don't have to have perfect answers here. The goal is just to get curious with yourself. So for those listening, go ahead and take a moment to think about that. Maia, what comes up for you when you think about why you might not have asked for support around this yet?

Yeah, the reason I thought of this is it's really an intersection of several of my weaknesses, I think. So one is I'm really not that good at this whole area of home ownership and projects and contractors. It's all new to me. And so I kind of stumble around that. And this is a big project, so that's second base. It's a big project, could be very expensive, and the consequences are really big. So it's kind of a high stress situation for me.

High stakes.

Yeah. And the last piece actually is it seems like I'm kind of... Well, it seems like my neighbors are sending their wastewater over to my property. And so as part of the drainage project, I'd want to sort of that out. Why are they doing that? Can they deal with their own drainage or do they want to pay for part of this project if they want me to deal with the drainage?

And as I mentioned before, I think I'm not actually that skilled at working with other people and negotiating through these stressful situations. So every time I imagine calling them and asking, "Hey, seems like you're sending your waste water over to my property. Was there a historical agreement between our properties or do you know anything about that?" I get really stressed out and I worry that, again, I'm going to go to an extreme and I'm either just going to be really fawning and say like, "Oh, no problem. I'll just also pay with dealing all of your wastewater." Or I'll kind of draw a hard line and say like, "Hey, I'm going to block yours and you need to deal with it." When really the best solution is probably working together with them on this project. So I think there's a bunch of reasons on a bunch of things have come together to make this a big issue for me.

Well, maybe in a way, what you're saying is it's doubly tough because there are two places you have to ask for support. You have to ask for support from your neighbors to be on board with figuring this out. And you have to ask for support from whoever will help you with the drainage project. So two obstacles, I can understand how that is a tougher one to move through.

Well, thanks for sharing that Maia, it's really thoughtful. And step three of our pushup then is to think about what you stand to gain by asking for support. What would having help in this area do for you? Would it free up time and energy for other things? Would it make you feel less alone in it? Would it help you improve and grow yourself? In your case, would it make your life better and safer? So for those listening, think on that. Maya, how about you? What are your thoughts about what you stand to gain here?

Yeah, I think realistically, the big one is even just getting started on this project is going to start helping me sleep through the night, right? It's going to lower this background level of stress that I have all the time about the house. When we think long-term, getting this project done probably has great financial benefit. It's probably not good if my house is on unsteady ground and is a important long-term investment to get done. So I think... I know how important it is to get the project done, but I think what asking for help is really going to do for me is unblock just getting started. And any amount of progress or momentum on it is going to make me less stressed out.

That sounds right. That makes sense to me. Sleeping through the night, your house not crumbling into the ocean. These feel like good reasons, and I can't imagine how you could take this all on alone. So it sounds like asking for support is going to be a really important part of this. So the final step then is to take one small step toward getting this support. This might look like texting a friend or making an appointment with someone, delegating one small task.

For Maia, I imagine it's something like reaching out to a few contractors, sending the first email to your neighbor, or it might just be talking to a friend who also understands that it's hard to get support and just having some commiseration around what it looks like to make moves here.

So for those listening in, think about what your one step would be and go ahead and just do it if you can. Maia, how about you? What would your first step be?

I think I'm actually going to ask a friend to join me for the phone call in calling my neighbor.

I love that.

And they might not even say anything or do anything, but I might have a back channel of texting with them and they can support me and I can tell them about the things that I'm worried about, which is, I don't want to just say, "Don't worry about it. Everything's fine. I'll handle it." And hopefully knowing that they're listening in is going to help me be the person I want to be on that phone call.

I love that because you are literally asking for help and support to ask for help and support from your friend, to the neighbor.

I know. Several different layers.

I'm into it. This is what it's all about. And Maia, I really appreciate you flexing your feels with me today on this pushup. I'm curious, how did it feel for you to go through this?

Well, kind of scary. I think it's helpful to walk through all of these steps. But realistically, we're talking about a project that I need to do and I'm almost sort of delayed in and delinquent there. And so it doesn't feel great to talk about like, "Hey, here's a project I'm really failing to do well in my life. Let's talk about that."

Yeah, I get that. Although maybe I'd invite a reframe, which is we all have things that we should be doing that we're not doing. And something I say a lot is most people don't work on their mental health and go to therapy and get help because they don't know what to do. Most people seek that support because they do know what to do, and they want to understand why they're not doing it. And so that's the goal here, is there are lots of things that we should probably be moving forward on, but peeling back the layers a little bit, I think can help with that.

I'm curious, do you feel like you can commit to sending that text to your friend by the end of today?

Yeah, I can do that.

Okay. I love it. And I hope that you'll circle back and let me know how that goes, how it feels, what happens. And thank you so much for breaking an emotional sweat with me today. It has been a pleasure.

This is great. Thank you, Emily.

Thanks Maia.

Thanks for listening to Emotionally Fit hosted by me, Dr. Emily Anhalt. New pushups drop every Tuesday and Thursday. Did you do today's Push-Up alongside me and my guest? Tweet your experience with the hashtag #EmotionallyFit and follow me at @DrEmilyAnhalt. Please rate, review, follow and share the show wherever you listen to podcasts. This podcast is produced by Coa, your gym for mental health, where you can take live, therapist-led classes online. From group sessions to therapist matchmaking, Coa will help you build your emotional fitness routine. Head to joincoa.com, that's join-c-o-a.com, to learn more. And follow us on Twitter and Instagram at @joinCoa. From StudioPod Media in San Francisco, our producer is Katie Sunku Wood. Music is by Milano. Special thanks to the entire Coa crew!