Is it ADHD or your personality? Self-Acceptance, self-compassion & dealing with people who don't believe in ADHD

ADHD Coach Katherine Sanders

This episode of 'Powerful Possibilities' explores the power of self-acceptance and effective self-advocacy for adults with ADHD.

Discover

how self-awareness can be a game-changer in your professional and personal life.
Learn practical strategies for navigating misunderstandings and skepticism about ADHD,
and explore different way to think about your personality traits and ADHD characteristics.

Whether you're living with ADHD or are someone eager to understand and support them, this episode offers a different way to think about yourself, your brain and your relationships.

Tune in to empower yourself with knowledge, compassion, and the tools to thrive with ADHD.

https://adhdcoachkatherine.com/

#ADHDEmpowerment #SelfAcceptance #ProfessionalGrowth #ADHDAdvocacy #PowerfulPossibilities #ADHD

Connect with Katherine here:

ADHD Presentations - self-assessment quiz & mailing list https://dashboard.mailerlite.com/forms/381779/109299458418672681/share

ADHD Burnout: simple guide: https://subscribepage.io/1bSuG6

VIA character Strengths quiz - https://www.viacharacter.org/surveys/takesurvey

Self-Compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff: A comprehensive resource for understanding and practicing self-compassion.

https://self-compassion.org/fierce-self-compassion/ - Fierce Self Compassion by Dr Kristin Neff

CHADD - The National Resource on ADHD: A leading resource on ADHD, offering education, advocacy, and support.

Sakabe, R., Gushikawa, M., & Konosu, T. (2017). A Study on the Influence of Personality Traits on Global Human Resources on Global Communication Ability. 2017 6th IIAI International Congress on Advanced Applied Informatics (IIAI-AAI). Link

Gates, T. G., Ross, D., Bennett, B., & Jonathan, K. (2021). Teaching Mental Health and Well-Being Online in a Crisis: Fostering Love and Self-compassion in Clinical Social Work Education. Clinical Social Work Journal, 49, 484–494. PDF

Egan, H., O'hara, M., Cook, A., & Mantzios, M. (2021). Mindfulness, self-compassion, resiliency and wellbeing in higher education: a recipe to increase academic performance. Journal of Further and Higher Education, 45(5), 712-724. PDF

Kotera, Y., Tsuda-McCaie, F., Edwards, A., Bhandari, D., Williams, D., & Neary, S. (2022). Mental Health Shame, Caregiver Identity, and Self-Compassion in UK Education Students. Healthcare, 10(3), 584. PDF

Shayuk, O., Pidgurska, M., & Shayuk, Y. (2023). Unconditional personal self-acceptance as a humanistic trait of a psychologist. Psychological Interventions and Sociohumanitarian Practices. PDF

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RODE NT-USB & Susan's iphone (work) Camera:

What's up my friend.

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It is ADHD, powerful possibilities,

ADHD, coach Katherine here again, and

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if you've ever wondered.

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Is it me or is it ADHD?

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What's my personality.

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And what's ADHD.

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If you've ever wanted to know how

to set a boundary with somebody

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who doesn't really believe in ADHD.

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This podcast episode, we are

going to start to look at those

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things and I've got some news about

what's coming up in spring time.

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this is a kind of summing up episode

for our first four episodes this year,

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where we've looked at, what ADHD is,

the different presentations of ADHD.

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We had a little side journey into the

start of team bulb, where I talked

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a little bit about how, what we

think the start of the year should

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look like might not be what other

people are sharing on social media.

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And today I want to finish up with

something really important that.

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will make the rest of

your year so much easier.

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And it's.

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Simple, but not easy.

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But it is really powerful and we're

all about powerful possibilities here.

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So , grab a cup of tea,

sit down for the next.

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Half hour or put me into your

headphones and let's walk through.

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Something that is going to change

how you go through life and how you

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feel about your ADHD, forevermore.

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I just want to say, thank you.

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I've had so many emails

this week and they are.

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All amazing.

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Lots of them are extremely kind it's

made for you because I want to help you.

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I want you to get to a position

where you can help yourself and coach

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yourself, so the podcast is a way for

me to offer things that are helpful

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and that are useful things that are

going to help you manage ADHD and life.

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Wherever you are.

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In a way that is accessible

to as many people as possible.

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So I'm really grateful for

all your emails and questions.

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Some of them are so good.

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I'm going to do a

separate episode on them.

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But today, I want to have a look at a

few things, have come up from a couple

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of them and I felt there's a theme here.

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Let's follow the theme..

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And remember last week we were

talking about ADHD presentations.

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The inattentive combined and hyperactive.

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And knowing which one you may have

more of can help you when you're

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looking for tactics and strategies,

when you're understanding why things

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happen the way they do for you.

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And.

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What you can explain to other people.

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So if you haven't listened to that

episode, Make sure you do later on.

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I will.

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Double-check the link to

the ADHD presentation self-

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quiz and some useful tips.

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That's a free download

that you can grab but.

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Understanding ourselves is key.

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And anybody that you talk to,

whether they're a psychologist,

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psychiatrist, counselor, or a coach.

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should tell you that.

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Education.

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For ourselves about ADHD is crucial.

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To moving forward.

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And it's one of the reasons why.

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There's a lot of ADHD content around.

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Some of it is excellent.

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Some of it is variable.

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But it's one of the reasons why we tend

to hyper focus on it, to begin with.

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Because I think we instinctively know

that the more we understand ourselves.

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The best her life can be.

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I would add.

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The more you understand yourself.

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And accept yourself.

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The better your life will be.

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And I'm going to.

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colour the word acceptance in a

little bit further on in the show.

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So we're going to look

at self acceptance, self.

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Compassion.

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Understanding your ADHD.

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And also how to deal with

people who don't believe you.

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Who maybe don't accept the ADHD exists.

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And crucially, we're

going to have a quick.

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look at How to distinguish between

your personality and your ADHD,

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because especially if you are

late diagnosed, I see this a lot

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online and people say, is it me?

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Or is it my ADHD?

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It was a video that I made last year.

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It's done.

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Incredible numbers.

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So clearly it's a question.

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Many of us have.

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And it can feel a little bit like

all the personality elements, all

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the quirks for want of a better word.

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That you thought where you are

actually ADHD, and if that's the

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case, Where do we begin and end.

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And I want to come back to that.

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Because it's a really important topic.

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for.

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People who are late diagnosed.

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And for their families as well.

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If you are.

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A parent of a person with ADHD.

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Where do you draw the line?

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Is it them?

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There is.

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In quotes, acting up.

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And not following through

or forgetting things.

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Or is it the ADHD?

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This is a really important

question and we will look at

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that at the end of the podcast.

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I think one thing I want to remind

people of is this idea of the bulb,

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the spring bulb, if you're a member of

Team Bulb which is my unofficial gang.

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Team bulb means that we are quite happy.

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To take our time.

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And.

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Blossom at the appropriate stage.

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So I see a lot of people.

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Talking about new year new you.

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That's fantastic, but actually

there's nothing wrong with the old you

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ju.

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Maybe some of the things you do.

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need a bit of tweaking so that

you can have the most fantastic

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life possible for yourself.

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But there's nothing wrong with you.

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New you.

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New vision or goal..

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New vision new year.

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new approach.

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new idea.

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But there's nothing wrong with you.

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So let's get rid of new year new you.

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And if you're a 'bulb' like me and

you're quite happy to spend January

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snug underground waiting until the

terrible storms and the cold has passed.

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Then make sure that you are on my mailing

list and you'll hear more about team bulb

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and how we're going to grow together.

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Over the course of the year, because

I'm going to tell you something.

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Now I have planned out a whole year.

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Of podcasts so that if you listen to

all of them by the end of the year.

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You will have a.

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Really comprehensive insight into ADHD.

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To how it affects people is.

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Hormones hormonal cycles.

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how it affects.

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Your work, your study, your relationships,

how that affects your business.

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All of these things and I'm going

to bring in a few guests here and

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there, but it's all planned out.

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And Team Bulb, I think, is.

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That little idea of growing

together over the course of a year.

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I'd love you to join that.

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Pop in to my mailing list

and make sure you're on there.

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So you don't miss any of it.

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But today I want to

focus on self-acceptance.

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And I'm going to refer to

Kristin Neff's book fierce.

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Self-compassion.

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Self-compassion is a practice

that changed my life.

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During the initial pandemic

I was working in NHS.

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I got incredibly burned out.

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And there was all kinds of things

going on for all kinds of people.

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But I could no.

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Cope.

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And I'd cooked with an awful

lot up until that point, but it.

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Was just too much.

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And self-compassion is the practice

that changed how I feel about myself.

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Other humans and it led

me to where I am today.

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I really recommend that you get Fierce

self-compassion is a fairly long

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book, so grab the audio book as well.

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And I like to read and

listen at the same time.

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But one of the things.

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Is that people mistake about acceptance

and self acceptance in particular

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is that if I accept my ADHD, I'm

not going to make any changes.

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And I'm giving in.

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I'm giving up.

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Actually the opposite is true.

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And it's the.

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Fighting against.

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Yourself and who you have been.

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And all those parts of you when,

until you can accept that and embrace

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it as what got you to this moment.

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You're going to find change in

future much harder and more painful.

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And also it's going to affect how you

deal with other people, how you deal

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with situations that come up in life.

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So thinking always about,

self-acceptance not as a.

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This is just how it is.

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I can't change.

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And understanding that.

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That idea of acceptance is too passive.

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Dr.

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Neff talks about yin and yang.

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A simple way to understand.

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What is traditionally seen as the

feminine versus the male that yin is

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tender, nurturing, caring, passive.

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The male is very active,

outgoing, almost aggressive.

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Proactive makes change.

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And those kind of roles are.

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Fairly universal.

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At least in the kind of ideas

that we have about acceptance.

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It's very rare to meet somebody.

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Who.

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Is fully accepting of themselves,

but also making forward progress.

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And I think that's because

we haven't clarified.

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That we can both accept ourself.

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And make positive changes.

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When we begin to understand more

about ADHD, it's very common to

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feel that you are losing skills.

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This is something I've

heard a few times now.

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I actually, what it may be is

your awareness of how draining.

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Practicing a skill has become.

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And it may be that actually you're.

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Awareness of how much

energy and time and effort.

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That is taking up.

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has knocked you back a little

bit, or maybe it's opening

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up a space for you to change.

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Whatever happens when you are aware

of your ADHD, acceptance doesn't mean.

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Judgment.

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Watch out for the impact of the negative.

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Judgment of other people.

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And yourself.

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The other thing that happens quite often

when we have an ADHD diagnosis or we

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are on on the way to an ADHD diagnosis.

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Because let's face it.

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It can take many years for adults.

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You may find that you are constantly.

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Re-embracing self-awareness

and self-acceptance.

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There are constant discoveries.

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A client described it today

as you go round in a circle and

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you move forward a little bit.

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Round in a circle and

forward a little bit.

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And it's almost like we, we need to.

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Constantly rediscover ourselves.

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And our acceptance of ourselves

is going to be something that we

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practice rather than a one time thing.

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And that's why educating yourself with

facts with genuine information about ADHD.

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And that means going to reliable

clinicians, textbooks and articles

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that are based in the science

and also in the psychology.

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And obviously I would see the

coaching, but the kind of.

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Practical facts around

ADHD, rather than the

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shall we say popular schema.

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And is really important because

when you have that understanding.

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The acceptance becomes much easier.

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and also when you are struggling a little

bit with ADHD or in daily life, generally,

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The practice of self-compassion.

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Is.

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Absolutely vital.

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And self-compassion again, like

acceptance, isn't a passive thing.

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So we practice self-acceptance.

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We practice self-compassion

and the moments when things are

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difficult, because we're all human.

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And the.

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Idea that somehow.

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An ADHD diagnosis separates

you from humanity.

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And the suffering of humanity is

something that we need to step away from.

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I think.

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With compassion.

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We approach the things that are

difficult for us in that moment.

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with awareness.

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We understand that everybody

is going to have these moments

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of difficulty and challenge.

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And we are somewhere along the

spectrum of that difficulty.

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And that is why.

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Compassion and self-compassion.

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Are crucial.

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For a healthy balanced, emotional life.

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And as we've spoken about before.

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When our emotions are

dysregulated, when we are upset.

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I angry, scared, frightened.

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All of these.

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Negative emotional states.

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Our executive functions.

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Become more challenged.

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Think about it this way:.

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You make a simple mistake.

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You attributed to your ADHD.

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Which is more than possible.

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I have had quite the week and I

could say, oh, that's my ADHD.

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I'm not managing it as well as I used to.

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Instead of saying that's cause you're not

doing this or that, or the other thing.

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And making it about me as a person,

I say, oh, okay That is quite

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challenging for those people.

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You've not had a lot of asleep this week.

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Things have been

challenging with the storms.

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With sleep.

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So how about we ask

someone to help with that?

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And then I am able to move on.

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If you are wondering why I talk

about self-compassion so much is

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because without self-compassion.

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You're going to find it harder to

advocate for yourself at home and at work.

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You're going to find it harder to manage

your relationships with other people.

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And that in itself is going to

cause emotional dysregulation.

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That will make the.

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Classic ADHD traits of, difficulty with

planning, prioritizing, organizing,

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remembering, working memory.

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Those are affected when

you're emotionally upset.

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So that is why the power of

self-compassion is something.

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That I talk about regularly.

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And Dr.

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Kristin Neff is the person I would go to.

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She has resources online,

which are completely free

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to download and to practice.

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And if you want to know more

about self-compassion there are

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different practices that you can do.

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Mindfulness-based self-compassion is

the one that I'm most familiar with.

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And it is really easy

to practice anywhere.

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It doesn't need any equipment.

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You literally need five

to 10 minutes a day.

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And if you can bring into loving

kindness element, which Dr.

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Neff uses is that's even better.

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Because it has an impact on your

physical body as well as your emotions.

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The other powerful thing about

self-compassion is it connects

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us to the rest of humanity.

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We're not some remote

tribe out in the Tundra.

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Completely isolated and speaking

a totally different language

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to the rest of the world.

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we are part of humanity?

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And as part of humanity,

We are going to struggle.

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And suffer and the same

way as everybody else does.

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But because of the ADHD.

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We may be more emotionally.

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Reactive to that.

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Our emotional sensitivity is a key part.

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Of dysregulation.

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Because it is part of

your executive functions.

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Although a lot of people talk

about RSD rejection, sensitivity.

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The emotional dysregulation.

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That is the fundamental underlying

cause of that rejection sensitivity.

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As part of your ADHD,

executive function problems.

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Because your prefrontal cortex

has different connections that.

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They're no different in that.

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Nobody else has them.

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: 00:15:00

It's the number, the formation the

Folium, the speed, even all of the

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: 00:15:06

connections that transport yourselves,

that noodle transmitters, et cetera.

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: 00:15:11

That's what makes it different and

that's why our emotional reactions.

327

: 00:15:16

are A) generally much bigger.

328

: 00:15:19

B.

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: 00:15:20

So in quotes, disabling.

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: 00:15:22

Because when our brain is attending to

emotions, it ignores all the other stuff.

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: 00:15:27

And other people experienced that too.

332

: 00:15:30

But as someone explained to me today

Everybody goes to the bathroom, but if

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: 00:15:34

you're going to the bathroom, 50, 70

times a day, You need to go see a doctor

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: 00:15:38

and that's what happens with ADHD.

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: 00:15:40

Everyone has experienced this.

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: 00:15:42

We experience it in an order of magnitude.

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: 00:15:45

Differently.

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: 00:15:46

And when that happens.

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: 00:15:48

Self-compassion is going to allow

you to connect with yourself.

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: 00:15:53

Treat yourself with loving kindness.

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: 00:15:55

Acceptance.

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: 00:15:56

And give you the emotional

space to move forward while also

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: 00:16:01

recognizing the other people.

344

: 00:16:03

Have experienced this too.

345

: 00:16:04

We get stuck in this narrative

that we're broken failing.

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: 00:16:09

We can't change.

347

: 00:16:10

You're a human being and you can change.

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: 00:16:13

But you're going to change in a way

that might not be the one you expected.

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: 00:16:17

And it might not be in the way

that other people have offered

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: 00:16:21

that model of change for you.

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: 00:16:23

Apologies about the noise.

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: 00:16:24

That's my.

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: 00:16:25

Washing machine.

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: 00:16:26

This is brought to you from a normal home.

355

: 00:16:29

So you will occasionally hear things

like washing machines and dogs.

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: 00:16:32

That's fine because I don't

need to be perfect in order

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: 00:16:35

to show up and support you.

358

: 00:16:37

Anyway.

359

: 00:16:38

One of the questions.

360

: 00:16:39

Somebody emailed in today was how

to talk to people or deal with

361

: 00:16:44

people who don't believe you,

or don't really understand ADHD.

362

: 00:16:48

And I think there's two

parts to that question.

363

: 00:16:52

The first is the role of

education of other people.

364

: 00:16:55

And that is something

that we all tend to do.

365

: 00:16:59

Knowingly or not.

366

: 00:17:00

And that's why it's important

to have reliable information

367

: 00:17:03

that you can share with others.

368

: 00:17:04

That is simple.

369

: 00:17:06

So the a metaphor about going

to the bathroom, for example,

370

: 00:17:09

everyone goes to the bathroom.

371

: 00:17:11

If you go 50 times a day,

you need to see a doctor.

372

: 00:17:13

That is something that

people can understand.

373

: 00:17:16

Whereas, if you start to talk about.

374

: 00:17:18

Dopamine transport er

cells and DAT-1 genes.

375

: 00:17:21

Most people are going to zone out

376

: 00:17:23

so education is a crucial part of it.

377

: 00:17:25

But it's not always your job to educate

people who do not want to learn.

378

: 00:17:31

And you're the only

person who can discern.

379

: 00:17:33

From your relationship, with that person

from their responses, from your context?

380

: 00:17:40

Is that person actually going to learn.

381

: 00:17:43

Does he want to learn?

382

: 00:17:45

Or is it an excuse to treat you badly?

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: 00:17:48

That's the second part of the question.

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: 00:17:50

. People don't accept ADHD.

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: 00:17:53

And they don't accept me.

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: 00:17:55

And ADHD is part of me.

387

: 00:17:56

And it's something that we hear a

lot stop using ADHD as an excuse.

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: 00:18:00

Boundaries as a big one.

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: 00:18:02

And I think when somebody says to you.

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: 00:18:05

Something negative.

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: 00:18:06

And it's something that is caused by

the ADHD difference that you live with.

392

: 00:18:12

Which is a disability that is

recognized by governments worldwide.

393

: 00:18:16

You have to say to yourself.

394

: 00:18:18

How am I going to assert this boundary?

395

: 00:18:20

And do I want them to speak

to me like this in future?

396

: 00:18:24

So I'm going to offer

three ways to communicate.

397

: 00:18:27

But the thing that is crucial to all

of them is that you accept yourself.

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: 00:18:33

First.

399

: 00:18:34

And that you are very clear about

what you want them to do instead.

400

: 00:18:38

So think about that

before you say anything.

401

: 00:18:41

And it's usually in three parts.

402

: 00:18:43

Depending on your relationship,

you may want to begin with.

403

: 00:18:46

When you statement.

404

: 00:18:48

Then you move on to, I feel.

405

: 00:18:50

And then you would say, I would

like, or I want, or I need, and

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: 00:18:55

this is something that you can

adapt and because there's no one.

407

: 00:18:58

way to say it.

408

: 00:18:59

That's going to suit everyone.

409

: 00:19:00

So it could be.

410

: 00:19:01

When you say I'm using ADHD as an

excuse for not finishing the house work.

411

: 00:19:08

I feel.

412

: 00:19:09

That you don't believe

ADHD is a real thing.

413

: 00:19:13

And you're saying I'm actually lazy.

414

: 00:19:16

I want you to understand.

415

: 00:19:19

That I am trying my best.

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: 00:19:22

And ADHD.

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: 00:19:24

Affects my working memory.

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: 00:19:26

As an example.

419

: 00:19:27

I'll try to put something together

that you can download so you can.

420

: 00:19:30

Write out a few examples.

421

: 00:19:32

But the important thing is that.

422

: 00:19:34

You need to know what you will accept.

423

: 00:19:37

And if they're behaving

in a way that constantly.

424

: 00:19:41

Invalidates you and invalidates

your diagnosis of ADHD.

425

: 00:19:45

You can offer.

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: 00:19:46

Some education.

427

: 00:19:47

And if they refuse to accept the education

and continue to speak negatively to you.

428

: 00:19:53

Then you have the power to remove

yourself from that conversation.

429

: 00:19:57

I know it's difficult when

it's somebody in your home.

430

: 00:20:01

And this is a circumstance.

431

: 00:20:02

Many of us find ourselves in.

432

: 00:20:04

But you always have the power to

remove yourself from the room.

433

: 00:20:09

So you can go back to

the, I feel statement.

434

: 00:20:12

When you and add-on what you would

prefer or what you need to happen instead

435

: 00:20:17

for example, I feel frustrated.

436

: 00:20:20

When my ADHD traits.

437

: 00:20:22

Are dismissed as laziness

or not caring about you.

438

: 00:20:26

Because it ignores the reality of ADHD

439

: 00:20:29

as a brain based neurological difference.

440

: 00:20:33

I need you to understand what ADHD is

and how it affects my day-to-day life.

441

: 00:20:39

You've got to conserve your

energy and your time and

442

: 00:20:42

boundaries are a way to do that.

443

: 00:20:45

So you can educate people, but

you're not wasting time and energy

444

: 00:20:49

on people that aren't interested.

445

: 00:20:51

So you might want to offer

them a really simple example.

446

: 00:20:54

I really simple model of what ADHD is.

447

: 00:20:57

And then you would.

448

: 00:20:59

how it specifically affects you.

449

: 00:21:02

Or people in general, but

particularly you in the context.

450

: 00:21:06

And then you might offer them

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