Episode Summary

On this episode of A Whole Lotta Shift, host Jen Ingram dives into the power of assertive confidence and reclaiming the term "bitch." She emphasizes the importance of using "I" statements, learning to say no without guilt, and setting personal and professional boundaries. Jen shares a personal story of a time when she was asserting herself with confidence to advance her career and gain autonomy, proving that being assertive doesn't mean being disrespectful.

By practicing these strategies, listeners can gain the confidence to become stronger decision-makers and leaders in all aspects of life. Jen also encourages listeners to share their experiences and challenges in establishing boundaries, as it can lead to personal and professional growth.

Tune in to this episode as Jen explores the misconception that assertive women are seen as "bitches" and provides valuable insights on developing assertiveness in communication and decision-making.

About the Host:

Jen is a Dream Catalyst and Business Mentor saving hustling female solopreneurs from the chains of corporate America. Her passion lies in helping women through their self awakening so they can finally break free, turn their side hustle into the business of their dreams, and live a life full of time, location and financial freedom.

Jen is a California girl at heart, now living out her dream in the Midwest, traveling, coaching female solopreneurs and sharing her own story of triumph and empowerment across speaking platforms. When she's not traveling, she enjoys spending time with her college aged son and her rescued Pit Bull.

After 20 years of various project manager and corporate trainer roles while juggling a wide array of side gigs, she has mastered the ability to help women see what they cannot see, believe they are meant for more and take aligned action to make it happen. With an MBA in Change Management, and a Health and Life Coach Certification from the Health Coach Institute, Jen is an expert at creating both the business process changes and the personal habit changes needed to finally Break UP with corporate and go all-in on your side hustle or long standing passion project.

Connect with Jen on Facebook or Instagram!

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/jenelleingram/

Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/wholelottashift/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/midwestvalleygirl/

Free Gift: https://mailchi.mp/4f4ae02ebe45/beat-the-odds

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But I gotta tell you, if you don't establish those boundaries

for yourself and make those boundaries clear.

That feeling that you're getting walked all over, that feeling

of I'm not being heard that feeling of I feel like

nobody is listening to me is just gonna continue because

there's no boundaries that have been set that have that say

This is okay, and this is not okay. This is a boundary

for me. It's really important.

Welcome to a whole lot of Shift podcast. The

podcast for multi passionate women with an entrepreneurial spirit,

where we provide inspiration, motivation, and education to

help you shift away from all the shoulds and post twos to

what's truly possible for you in your business and your

life, all on your own terms. You ready,

girl? Let's make Shift happen.

Hello. Welcome to another episode of a whole lot of Shift,

Thank you for joining. If you're joining in the Facebook group today, please be

sure to say hello, and we are kicking off

part 3 in our confidence series today. So I'm super

excited to get this kicked off because today

is about reclaiming the word bitch.

Right? And having that power to be

assertive with confidence and

realize that an assertive woman is not a bitch.

So we're kinda here to display that myth. If you were in the group, I

had posted something prior to prior to today's copy chat,

saying that it really, really irritates me what a woman is

expressing herself or she's being assertive in her needs or wants or what have

you, and somebody tries to claim then that she'd been a bitch and

like, no. These are two different things. two very different things, and

I think it's important for us to talk about the fact that you don't have

to be quote unquote a bitch to be seen or heard.

Right? So that's kind of what we're gonna get kicked off today. I'm going to

share with you guys some some tips and some strategies

first. And then we're gonna when I get into a story that I think

is gonna be really helpful for you, I have a story to share about one

of the first times when I truly asserted myself with

absolute confidence, and it really was something that

was incredibly pivotal in my career and

helped me transition my career to where I really wanted to

go and help me kind of set up my

plan to get out, if you will. So I think you guys are gonna

like the story, but I'm gonna start first just kind of talking

about What it means to be assertive, what it means to be assertive with

confidence, and maybe some strategies or some tips to be thinking about as

you're trying to to feel confident and assertive.

Right? So I already kind of said that I really hate

when a woman is being assertive, and it's assumed and that she's being

She's being a bitch. It's just it's such a misconception, and I really

think it comes down to in

society, it's like we aren't used to

women fully confidently expressing themselves.

And we've been told for, at least,

as a woman who was once a young girl, was told her full

wife you know, quote unquote, being nice. And

usually being nice meant sitting down,

being quiet, not being seen, heard, making

yourself small, you kinda stood in the corner, you did this little

thing. Right? Being assertive doesn't

mean you're being bitchy. You're simply starting to take up the space

that you deserve, the space that you're worth as a human

being, and expressing your needs and your wants confidently.

And you can do that and be respectful of others, and that's simply being assertive.

It's not being bitchy. So, anyway, This is really important when

we think about our business because this is really

gonna help you gain confidence as you start

kind of practicing how to assert yourself and how to really speak

your mind. But it's gonna help you gain your confidence

in in how you talk with others, but

also the decisions that you make, right? Because it's gonna

start becoming really clear for you, the decisions that you need to make

once you start expressing what your thoughts and your ideas and your

feelings are, the clarity for those decisions is

gonna come through that process So that's why I'm kind of

taking you guys through this whole process of the confident series because

this absolutely relates to you and how you're

conducting your business. Alright. So I kinda wanna talk a little

bit about some of the strategies. Some of the things to think about

when we're talking about being assertive. The first one that I

want you to think about is first one I want you to think about is

using more i statements. In other words, like,

I think or I feel or

here are, you know, here are my thoughts. And the reason

that this becomes important is is 1, your thoughts

and ideas are valid, and they deserve to be expressed,

2, if it's a situation of conflict,

you know, a a relationship conflict, We

definitely want to make sure that you're expressing your

feelings, your emotions as they relate to you, and not

what the other person has done. You should be expressing

how you feel not

what you perceive the other person has done and what you're assuming

the other person must have bought. You can only

hold yourself accountable for your own thoughts, your own actions, your

own feeling. So this is where it becomes important that you're using

I statements, and you're saying, I think, I feel, and we're

just using these examples. But listen, this doesn't even this

doesn't just equate to those relationships in using those I statements.

Right? I think this happens just quite simply in our careers is women

sitting in conference rooms with men, and how many times do

you have this really great idea, and maybe you don't

express it or even when you do, you know, it kind of

express maybe timidly or because you're just You're

convinced nobody's gonna think this is a good idea. I don't even think I should

say anything, you know, etcetera, etcetera.

With practice, there's no reason that you can't show up in

those situations. And very clearly

and and and here's what becomes important. Right? that you're just being direct,

transparent, honest, and saying your thoughts tonight and

your ideas. There's no If not that somebody else's idea is a

bad idea, you're simply stating very clearly, concisely

what your idea is. And I can promise you

that the more that you do that over time,

the more confidence you're gonna get around it and the easier it's

going to become for you, and again, that's going to build up the

confidence that you need for you to become a better decision

maker because being a strong decision maker is

what helps you make become a strong leader in both your

life, your business, your career, all the areas.

Okay? Using i statements, that's number 1. Learning to say

no. If you followed me for a while at all wanted things that

I think I've posted a few times is no is a complete sentence.

It doesn't have to be oh my gosh. I'm really sorry. I

think, you know, I just I have a lot going on, and so I don't

think I wanna be able to do that. Absolutely not.

No is a complete thing. You don't have to explain

yourself to every single person when they've asked you to do something. You can simply

say no, I can tell you that I have some friends in my life who

are just very direct, and and they

definitely exude this example of just saying no

As the receiver of that, I really freaking

appreciate it. Right? It makes life so simple. It's like, hey. Oh my gosh.

This sounds so cool. You wanna do this? No. No. Sometimes, I'm

like, okay. But it's clear. They're just like,

you know, not really my thing. No. Done. The conversation's

done. Like, I'm not offended. Cool.

It makes life so much simpler instead of there being like this

wishy washy kind of conversation, no

is a complete sentence, and you get to say no. That's really a

part of setting up your boundaries. I'm gonna get to that in a minute. But

it's okay to say no and not feel guilty,

and it's okay to say no and not have to feel like you have to

explain yourself to someone else.

That's that's really important. Strategy 3,

I kind of already touched on this just a little express

your your emotions openly, honestly, transparently. It's not a sign of

weakness It's really not. It's

about you being able to say, hey, here's how this

scenario impacted me, and now I feel You know, maybe

I I now have some some distrust here in this relationship

and, you know, etcetera. Whatever that is,

those feelings You can just be transparent

and honest, but just be clear about them. I know I keep repeating that one,

but expressing your emotions and being open about that is

also super important. It's also going to

really help you have better relationships, whether

that be personal relationships, business relationships, if

you're openly able to say hey. I really feel

like right now that's not the path I'm gonna go down in my business because

I feel like that's gonna be too much. Or, you know,

Whatever your thoughts or feelings are, you get to just express those, and

that gets to be it. You also don't have to come up with 50,000,000

excuses. You don't have to say, you know what? This just feels

like a bad idea to me. I'm a highly intuitive person, and I

can tell you that if there's something that I'm working on and it just to

feel itchy, and it starts to feel like I don't know. Like,

I'm pushing. I have zero problems

just saying, you know what? This just doesn't feel right. I'm doing it.

Not doing it. And that's okay. That is my feeling. My feeling is it doesn't

feel right. Like in my gut? It's not there.

That was tip number 4, excuse me, 3.

The first one was using i statements. learning to say no,

expressing your feelings or emotions clearly and openly.

And the last one, that I touched on is setting personal

boundaries for yourself. This is a way that you can be assertive,

because Setting up your personal boundaries, and knowing

what they are is also going to make the

other strategies that I've given you a lot simpler to

do. So in other words, let me use this as a small

example, my gym time. Like, that's a nonnegotiable

for me. I go to tick boxing every day, and I'd go to the 515

class, so that means I leave my house at, like, 445,

period. period.

I had somebody ask me something. I think it was 2 days ago, and they

were like, hey. Can you do this? And I said, I will take a

look at it after kickboxing. That's my

boundary that I'm setting. That's my nonnegotiable. It's

important to me. I can't look at that right now.

However, when I get back from class, happy to take a look and

and and go through your message and and see how I can be

of assistance. That's it. When you start

setting those boundaries of

here is here's what's important to me. And

here's my negotiable. Here's my non negotiables. And you gain clarity

on what those are for you We asked this

question earlier in the week in the group about, what are some of those

things that you do every day that is a nonnegotiable

for you and several of you in in the

Facebook group had posted, you know, that you've got some definite routines

that are really important to you that you stick to every day. So

creating that boundary for yourself, being able to say no to

others when they start when they may be trying to encroach on that boundary is

really, really important. simply being assertive, and you're being

confident in what you need. This is what's important. Because

you've better know what you need so that you can perform

at an optimum level. Right? You are

going to have to know when you're your best. and part

of that is created through the boundaries that you create.

But I gotta tell you, if you don't establish those boundaries

for yourself, and make those boundaries clear?

That feeling that you're getting walked all over that

feeling of I'm not being heard, that feeling of

I feel like nobody is listening to me is just gonna continue.

because there's no boundaries that have been set that have that say,

this is okay, and this is not okay. This is a

boundary for me. it's really important.

So those are my top 4 strategies.

Number 1, use your eye statement. Number 2, let

no be a complacent. Please let no be a complacent. You

can say no, and you don't have to feel guilty.

express your emotions openly, honestly, clearly,

and set boundaries for yourself. These

are super important. It's going to make what feels like you're

being assertive or I think what maybe previously

was conceived as being a bitch is gonna make it so much

easier and so much clearer when you start practicing

each of these things. So I'm kind of curious if you feel like

if you're in listening to this and you're in the group, if you'll just

share with me if there's something where you feel like, yeah. I haven't been

very good at either establishing that boundary or saying

no or anything else. If you feel like dropping that into the comments

and super curious likely if it's an issue for you. It's it's one

for somebody else as well. Maybe it's about family work. Who

knows? Right? Finances? Yeah.

I'm super super curious because here's thing. I'd love

to hear from you guys ways in which you feel like you

could practice or start incorporating some of these tips into your

everyday life. Because if you start incorporating them into your everyday life,

it can be that much simpler to just incorporate them into

your business when you're trying to make

decisions in your business This is gonna be,

like, easy peasy. Right? Alright. So

I'm gonna give a little bit of an ex of an example now. I'm gonna

tell a little bit of a story, but I think you guys are gonna appreciate

this story because this was a really important time in my

career And this was the first time where I really

felt like I had the confidence to be

assertive in my decision and speak it

clearly and get what I want.

Right? So they're in long story short just several years

ago. in the organization that I was in, we had recently,

for me personally, I had gone through 2

different reorganizations. And through

that process, I had basically kind of been my

title, my role, my my pay.

everything had been shifted around, like, twice, like back to back in the same year,

which, by the way, really stinks if you haven't experienced that.

So, anyways, I was at a really, really low

point. But what I had what I had done to that

point was I had said, okay. if they're gonna basically

push me back to positions to where

I was, and now I'm back to where I was a couple years ago or

whatever, I'm gonna make the most of it. Right? I know

that I don't have a lot of autonomy with this

role, However, I do know that

I have opportunities to work with some business

leaders And I know that I can start using those

interactions and that work to kind

of get more experience as a

project manager, specifically so that I could get

into the role that I want. I knew the area that I wanted to go

into was project management for a few reasons. When it was gonna offer me a

bit more autonomy, it was a it definitely is a salaried role, you

know, your work is very dependent on the projects that you have, which can be

good and bad. But I also knew that a project manager was something that

off in times for different organizations can be a contract position. It's

something that that I was thinking in my mind, hey, I've

done freelancing before, maybe this is something I take with me. Let me get this

experience. Right? It was it was also

something that would have a pretty significant income change for me

And I really felt like it was something that I

needed to get my career to that next step.

so that I had the mental, physical, and

financial space to create what I

was wanting in my own business. So it was kind of like,

I I needed to make it to that next step. So here I was. I

had just been gone through 2 different reorganizations.

And I oh gosh. I don't remember

when it was. Anyways, long story short, I

was asked if I would take yet another

role. If this had only been I had been re been

reorganized maybe 6 months prior. Okay? So here I am. I'm

finally figuring out how I can make this

position that they've put me in work for me at the

time, and I'm kinda I'm going along. You know? I'm starting to do it. I'm

like, okay. If this is what it's gonna be, and I'm gonna come in, and

I'm gonna kick ass and take me, and I'm gonna be really freaking good at

it. And I'm gonna build relationships with all the decision

makers. So that when push

comes to shove next time, I might have some other opportunities.

Right? These are the kind of people I'm gonna start surrounding myself

with. strong leaders. So

they was presented suddenly with an opportunity, and they wanted me to

take yet another position. And in that position,

I wasn't going to have as much exposure to working directly

with business leaders, the C suite, I mean, I was a

little bit, but not a lot. It was somewhat of a

lateral roll. Not entirely, but it's not like it was some

big bump. really just didn't wanna do it. It wasn't necessarily work that

interested me or excited me. Like, it was one of

those things maybe. If it had been a few years prior, I might

have jumped at the opportunity. But now that I I understood that role,

and I knew where I was at,

This opportunity was not it, so they had contacted

me and they wanted me to take this role, and so I said, hey. You

know, I really appreciate you thinking about me. It's it's really an

honor. I but I think I'd like to stay where I'm at.

Very long story short, I get an email from the VP of

Operations, and she's like, I need to meet with you about this

position. I was like, a I don't wanna have to swing myself to

this person. Like, I don't want this job. So

long story short, I I'm like, you know what? I don't care if you are

the VP of Operations. So I go down to her office,

and and we meet to talk about this role, and she's like,

you know, hey. I I need you to take this role. Now

In between this time, in between I got when I got her email saying that

she needed to meet with me and me actually meeting with her.

I had talked to a couple of folks in C

Suite that I had good relationships

with, and they couldn't tell me exactly,

but they were able to give me enough information where, basically, I

knew that they were considering eliminating my role altogether.

Now, obviously, they couldn't tell me that directly, but they gave me enough information

they were Do you catch my drift? I'm like, I think now I'm hearing you.

But I also got a decision to make because, man, that was

I I was like, again? What what kind of

decisions are being made here? And there was a big part of me

that thought, if you had just I I need out, But I was in

such a low state of confidence and self

belief and trust because because

of all of the things that had I had gone through, like, in a very

short period of time. Because in addition to these things going

on in my career. I had some other things in my personal life that were

going on. Like, it was just a really, really bad time. I

was at my absolute heaviest weight The depression was horrific.

My finances were a disaster, like, just a really bad time, so

my confidence level was super low. Okay? So even

my confidence to think, oh, you know what? At at this

income level, I can just go get another job somewhere else. But then there was

that part of me that was like, To learn another role at another company for

the same pay, like, why? I now

laughed than I ever thought that. But, yeah, at that

time, being where I was at, those were my

thoughts. Long story short, I go into the VP I'm like, I

really don't want this role. I don't think it's going to work for me. She

was like, okay. I need to understand why you don't want it. And I just

very clearly told her, I said, There's several reasons. I went into project management.

I don't believe that this role is one that's going to help me

continue to gain the skills and experience that I need to

get into the project management department. Also, there

is a company rule that you have to be in a position

for a solid year before you can be promoted or move into

another position. This was in

February of that year. I knew that budgets were always

created towards the end of the year and oftentimes promotions were made

or announced in October or November for effective

dates either in December or January. So

I knew this, and so I I simply expressed clearly

concisely. Hey, it's February if I were to

moving to this role now. Technically, it's a promotion,

although financially, it wouldn't be much of a promotion at all. It's more of a

lateral move for me. but it would be considered a transfer promotion in

which that would mean when budgets getting done towards the end of this

year and an opportunity comes available in project management because

I've seen the growth that we've had the last several months, I wouldn't doubt if

we do have a position come open in that department, I wouldn't be able

to apply for it. This is really important to me, and that's the next step

that I wanna go in my career. And I don't believe that this position is

gonna help me get there. Clear, concise,

transparent, honest, and no, I

don't want this role you're trying to sell me.

So what I wasn't prepared for is that she just saw that as

some negotiating opportunities, and I had never sat there

and negotiated before. Right? I had never felt confident

enough to say, yeah. No. I'm still not accepting that. Thanks, but no

thanks. So the conversation carried on, and I won't go into all the

details. But, you know, she was like, okay. Well, if I would

be willing to sign off, if a position comes open, You know, it's February.

Position comes open in October, November for project manager. She's like,

I will override any document You just bring it to me because

there was, like, an internal process you had to go through. She'd like you just

let me know. I will sign off on it and overwrite it. I was like,

okay. Financially, that still doesn't help

me. Again, clearly expressed what my

means were. She's like, okay, so then we started

into that conversation. You know, started, well, I can give you a 3%

bump. eye roll, okay, a 5% bump, still kind

of an eye roll, but think, rightly, we kind of went back

and forth. By the way, I didn't actually roll my eyes at her. But we

went back and forth, but I was clear and concise every single time in what

I was needing. And the thing is that was February.

I got promoted to project manager in September. I

promoted project manager in September It greatly

advanced my income. I got about a 20% income

increase. I got into a salary position where I started having

more autonomy, more flexibility in my schedule,

and everything just kind of had appulted from

there. But if I hadn't been assertive

enough to say no, keep my statement about

I, set my boundaries. Here's the

schedule I need. Here's the pay that I need. I'm not okay with just

being shifted around to 20 departments. Expressing

my thoughts and emotions and ideas clearly, I would not

have gotten what I needed out of And I would

have felt walked all over again, I would have felt like I was being shoved

into yet another position that I didn't want to be in,

Right? This was the game changer that completely

changed the trajectory of my career and

what I'm doing now and as a business. Completely

changed it, but I never would have had that opportunity if I wouldn't have had

the confidence to simply assert myself.

So I hope that story helped. The other piece of that story that I think

is really important is that I had been working really

hard identify the pieces of my career that I needed and what I

wanted to do that was going to bring me joy

fulfillment make me feel like I was in alignment with what I was doing

in my day job, so that I could create something else outside of that.

I do wanna give a little bit of shout out to Rachel Williams in

our Facebook group. She has posted an event. If you go to the events tab

in the group and take a look, I believe she is hosting a master class

on Monday talking about the pathway to promotion.

And I think for a lot of you who may be trying to figure out,

you know, at what point do I try and

switch things up in my career so I get out of this scarcity mindset

so I get out of this feeling of not feeling confident, you

know, change some things up so that I can continue to build my business, or

do I just quit my job, whatever it is that you're looking for.

Rachel has had, I know some experiences somewhat

similar to me in trying to navigate that

path between, do I continue to level up my

career? Do I continue to level up my business and let that grow? Where's

that line? what do I want that to look like? I know that she's

got a lot of experience as well, and so I would encourage you to check

out that master class if that's where you find yourself And, of

course, right here, in the whole leadership Facebook group, and in the whole whole

letter shift face, excuse me, whole letter shift podcast, I'll be sharing a

lot more And I'll keep sharing the stories because I have to

tell you that story. It definitely does not end there

while that was a pivotal moment that sent me on the right path and the

better trajectory, the hat was just a

small stepping stone. At the time, I thought it was the biggest stepping stone,

That was just a tiny, tiny piece, but it

truly set the stage for everything else that I needed to

happen? Okay. Alright, I'm gonna wrap it up. This

is it for the Friday copy chat. I'm so glad you guys hopped

on. and I'll go back and make sure I can read your comments if you've

been commenting in the Facebook group. And if you're catching this on the

podcast, Get in here. Join us in the group. It's a whole lot

of fun, but until then until next week, keep

making shift happen. Hey,

Shifters. Thank you so much for tuning into another episode of a whole lot of

shift. If you heard something today that in fired you or resonated with

you, please head over to iTunes and leave us a review to help others as

well. Your review helps me give as much motivation and

inspiration as I possibly can. And don't forget, you can catch

all the outtakes, bonuses, special live stream interviews,

and much more over at a whole on a ship Facebook group.