Turning a year older is supposed to feel a certain way. More settled. More clear. Like things have clicked into place.

But that’s not always the case.

Life still feels like it's shifting. You're figuring it out as you go. And there's a quiet gap between what you expected and what's actually here.

That's what this episode is about. The version of life that was supposed to feel established by now. The moment you realize it doesn't look like that. And what starts to open up when you question whether that version was ever right for you in the first place.

Because maybe nothing has gone wrong. Maybe the shifting, the uncertainty, the not-quite-there feeling — that's not the problem. That's the season.

We get into what it looks like to invest in yourself before everything else. To trust your own instincts without needing to justify them. And to let yourself feel love and presence in the life you actually have. Not the one you're still waiting to arrive.

If your life doesn't look how you thought it would by now, this one's for you.

Work with me:

1. Breakthrough Intensive - You already know you should slow down, delegate more, stop overcommitting & be emotionally present. So why can't you? That's what we figure out in 90 minutes + integration call 1 week later. Book your Breakthrough
2. Exhale: Private Coaching - For women ready to do this work until it sticks and you can't revert back. 3 open spots: Work with me

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Welcome to Beyond Awareness. I just turned 38 years old. My birthday was on Sunday, April 26th, and a couple weeks prior is actually when I'm recording this, and it's when I journaled through it. Journaled through my upcoming birthday. I woke up one morning and first I was like, whoa, I'm about to be

38 and then the second thought that popped in my head was I always pictured 38 as being established just in life You are settled in life at 38 is what I thought You know where you're going You're on like this path and you're just living it. You're kind of riding it out

And I think I even giggled out loud because I'm like, that is literal. I am nowhere near living that out. Where my life is now is nowhere where I thought I would be. Where my life is now is so different. that's what I journaled on. And I also this realization about the vision that I had and the vision that I want. So that's what we're going to talk about today.

So where I am now, let's go there. Where I am now is still single and solo parenting. I journal a lot, right? And I journal strategically, not using Pinterest prompts. I journal about my life, what I'm going through. And that's why it's so therapeutic for me, because I'm able to process.

what I'm feeling and what I want to feel and what I want out of life and whatnot. And once I journal an entry, I really never go back to look at my entries. Every now and then, like once I finish a full journal, sometimes I'll flip back through and then wherever a page naturally opens up, a glance at that page and I'll do that like maybe three times just to see, what did I journal on this past year or?

year and a half, however long it took me to write that journal, and that's about it. But when I was journaling through this birthday stuff, that was one of the times when I was reflecting on where my life is now and where I want it to be that I was like, I'm so curious what I wrote down for last year and the year before, because I'm pretty sure I've always had like a birthday edition journal entry. And kind of getting ahead of myself, but

One of the things that I almost always write down for what I want next year, like within the next birth year, birthday year, you get it, is I want to fall in love. I want to be in a relationship, like that sort of thing. And so the fact that I am 38 and still single, it was just honestly comical. And I feel like it's for a reason.

still learning so much about myself. we always will collectively be learning so much. anyways, still single, still solo parenting 24-7. Yeah, I also, going off of that, applied to be on a dating show. Like, more single than ever is what I should say. And I have applied to others before.

I've applied to like Love is Blind before, never got that. I've applied to The Circle, that's not a dating show. ⁓ I don't know, they've always just seemed fun to me. So I've applied to one recently. I've also made changes to my business model, which may or may not seem big to you or important to you. But for me, I'm actually gonna do a different episode on it because it was massive. It was a massive internal intuitive shift.

It is like a really big deal and moment and I think a defining thing for me. So stay tuned for that. big changes to my business model. And so for me, a lot feels like things are shifting and shifting in the right direction in terms of my business. But it's almost like when I picture 38 and being established and settled.

That's what I picture 38. You're coasting in life on the way to retirement. I think I wrote that in my entry. It's like you're on your way, you're going there. It's just like, I don't know, you're coasting and I just feel like I'm shifting still and I'm finding my groove. And it feels fun and exciting and right. It feels like I'm supposed to be doing this, but it just feels so different.

than what I thought my life was going to look like. Same thing with solo parenting. I don't think anyone ever thinks that they are going to be a single parent. But the fact that I'm still doing that five years later is just a little eye opening for me. And so, yeah, that was really eye opening just to kind of jot down what my life looks like right now.

And after I kind of got through that, then I was like, well, what was my vision for 38, like that established coasting kind of vision that I had. And kind of going off of that, it was kind of an autopilot kind of feeling. When I picture 38, it's like I'm almost wondering if I'm just picturing

my parents and like me being a kid and what I picture them. But I picture people that are happily complacent. That's what I wrote down. Like they're happy, they're joyful, they're stressed as well, right? Like they're, they're human, they're living life, they have emotions, but they're just complacent or they're on autopilot. And as I was journaling through this, I realized that's not what I want anyways. I love that I'm shifting in my business. I love that I'm like feeling the feels in

like my single life and I actually am dating in real life, not just applying to be on dating shows. And like that feels cool to be learning new things about myself in that way as well. And like while this is so different from what I expected, I love this part of my life and I love how much I've grown. I think if I stayed in my marriage, that would have been almost like

The word coming to me right now initially is scary. I wouldn't have been this version of myself at all, at all. I would have been, well, I guess I shouldn't say what I would have been. I don't know, but I would have stayed on the path that I was on, which was people pleasing, which was being fearful of speaking up, which was handing over money just because somebody asked for it, even though I worked hard for it. It was just kind of like a doormat, and I've learned so much about myself.

And that's like what I'm most proud of right now. And I love that for me. I love that for you. I hope that you guys are experiencing that too. And so once I kind of was like, wait, I don't want that. I was looking at the wrong vision of 38 and now I get to paint a new one. And so what I want my 38th year to look like was really three things. The first thing was

I want to invest in me. So much of really my adult life, I've either invested in other people, but also I've invested in my business, which has had its perks and pluses for sure. And this is going to be more in the other episode about changing my business model. But I've realized that

I haven't really invested in myself. I thought that I needed to invest in my business so that my business would succeed. And that's how I would get more clients so that I could have more time so that then I could, I don't know, get more massages or have more time for myself or take a day off of work or whatever it looks like. And I just had this realization a couple of months ago that I think it's backwards.

I think I need to invest in me first. And I've known that it's true that when we invest in ourselves in any capacity, even journaling, but especially journaling when you're processing emotions and you focus on yourself, when you become happier in general, when you become more of what you want, everyone else in your life benefits.

And I just kind of applied that, which I've known for years, to me and investing in me, knowing that everyone and everything else in my life will benefit. Future and current relationships will benefit when I invest in me. Parenting, like I'm going to be a better mom when I invest in me. My business will be better when I invest in me. So kind of flipping that and like getting the massages now, getting the facials now. This past year, I've stopped.

getting my hair done. And I used to get it done every three months or something. ⁓ And I just stopped because instead I was investing in my business. And so I just kind of want to get back to investing in me financially and things like with time and whatnot and babysitters too, so that I can do things for me. Also, number two, I want to lead with my intuition.

I've been doing this a hell of a lot more the past year, for a full year. I've been leading with my intuition, especially when it doesn't make sense. And that's been the hardest when I get that intuitive ping of, yes, go for it, do it. Or, nope, don't do it, especially with dating. It's like, nope, you are not the one for me. And I don't know why, like I can't explain it. I just get that vibe.

And there's still so many times where I try to justify that when I don't think I need to. I don't need to justify that. I can just trust it. So I wrote, lead with my intuition and trust it. I've been doing that. It's gotten me here and it feels so good. And I've been making quicker decisions. They feel aligned. I've been less overwhelmed, less distracted, less overthinking. It's been amazing. So I just want to continue to amplify that. And then last but not least, what I want for my 38th year.

I put in love, not just with a partner. I want to feel in love every day. I want to feel in love right now as I'm like recording this, choosing to picture you as the listener and just feeling so much love and gratitude and appreciation that you chose to listen to this episode and listen this far. And like, we have a connection and like a friendship maybe almost, right?

I feel love for that. feel love. Like right now I'm glancing over on my desk. I have a picture of my son. And it was when we were visiting a farm and it's a picture of him in front of goats. And you can tell it's a windy day because his hair is like blowing. He's got his shoulders up by his ears, I think, because he was a little chilly and his hands are like also a little like his fingers are flexed and whatnot. And I'm just like, I remember that day perfectly. I'm feeling love for that moment, for that experience.

I'm feeling love even just sitting here in this office. How cool is it that I'm able to work here? And this is just like literally within two feet from me. So love like that, love for like a warm I know that so often we wait for a certain moment to feel how we want to feel. Whether that be to feel in love, to feel successful, to feel like a leader.

to feel like an equal when in reality, no matter what your word is, you can choose to feel that now. There was a time where I had no clients and I was like, my I can't wait until I feel secure financially. And I truly was like, I need X number of clients before that happens, or I need this launch to happen before that happens. And I thought, but...

It's not like I'm in debt right now. It's not like I have zero dollars in my bank account and I do have credit cards. So I just kind of found all the ways, all the proof of how can I feel secure right now? How can I feel stable? And so this is kind of turning into a lesson. What is it that you want to today? Well, what is the goal of how do you want to feel within this next year?

or within the next six months, how is it that you want to feel? And then using that word, how can you find proof in your daily life today, or if that feels a little challenging this week, that that's already in your life, that that feeling is already here? And I guarantee that that goal, whether it be a tangible goal like financial money coming in, or who knows, maybe for me a partner,

that will come to you faster when you're choosing to feel that feeling more frequently and not waiting to feel it. So that's your little challenge. And I would love to know what your feeling is. And that is my recap on my 38th birthday. So thank you for tuning in. I hope that you are all having a wonderful start to your spring. And if anyone is an April birthday as well, happy birthday to you. And I will see you next