In this Tammy’s Takes follow-up to her conversation with relationship coach Karen Spetz, Tammy Vincent dives deeper into one of the most confusing emotional spaces in relationships — feeling “not unhappy… but not happy either.”

This episode explores why so many women find themselves stuck in relationships that feel calm but disconnected, and how nervous system patterns from childhood can keep us choosing safety over true alignment. Tammy breaks down the difference between the absence of conflict and the presence of connection, and why simply “not fighting” doesn’t always mean a relationship is healthy or fulfilling.

Building on Karen Spetz’s powerful question — “If your relationship improved, would you actually want to stay?” — Tammy guides listeners through a deeper level of self-reflection to uncover what’s really missing and what their body is trying to tell them.

Listeners will walk away with a practical 3-step clarity process to help them move out of confusion and into grounded awareness, including how to identify unmet needs, tune into their nervous system, and have honest conversations before making big decisions.

This episode is not about telling you whether to stay or leave — it’s about helping you reconnect with yourself so you can make the decision that’s truly aligned for you.

🔑 Key Takeaways

• Why “not fighting” doesn’t equal connection

• How nervous system patterns influence relationship decisions

• The hidden cost of staying in emotional neutrality

• A powerful question to uncover your true desire

• A 3-step process to move from confusion to clarity

• Why clarity comes from awareness, not pressure

Hey there, I’m so glad you’re here and tuning in! If this episode spoke to your heart, just know there’s even more support waiting for you.

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If you would like to ask a question, and hear the answer in a future episode, please leave your question here: https://www.speakpipe.com/Tammyvincentcoaching

Trials To Triumph: An Adult Child's Emotional Freedom Blueprint: Use code THRIVE25 for 75% off today. https://workshops.tammyvincent.com/offers/DSbcgrZZ/checkout

As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

My holistic toolbox includes nervous system regulation, trauma-informed coaching, nutritional support, and natural healing strategies,

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Welcome back to another episode of

Tammy's Takes where we take powerful

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conversations with our guests and we

turn them into tactical strategies

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that you can use right here, right now.

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So I'm following up to yesterday's

episode with Karen Spz, and if you

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did not hear it, I encourage you to

go back and listen to the episode.

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It was absolutely an amazing conversation,

so much insight, and unfortunately a topic

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that many of us don't often talk about.

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I feel like so many of us have felt,

and that is the concept of I'm not

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unhappy, but I'm not happy either.

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So what do I do with that information?

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Karen talked about how so many

women come to her and nothing is

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clearly wrong, but they come to her

because something just feels off.

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It just feels missing, and that's

honestly the hardest place to be.

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If you're in a bad relationship and

something is clearly broken, it's easy.

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It's easy to make a decision.

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It's easy to say, this is not

working and I'm getting out.

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But what about those relationships,

10, 20, 30 years, where

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nothing's actually wrong?

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There's no animosity.

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There's no hatred, there's just no life.

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It's where you're just

existing or coexisting.

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You're not fighting, but you're

also not really connected.

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What do you do with that?

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Because at that point,

what do you start doing?

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You start asking yourself,

is this all there is?

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Is this what the rest of my

life is going to look like?

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Is there never going to be

excitement, joy, fun, in my life?

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Again, that's a really hard place to be.

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So what I wanna do today is I wanna

kind of bring it into a different lens.

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I wanna look at it a different way because

it's not just a relationship question.

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It's a nervous system question, and I

know you're probably thinking, Tammy,

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oh my God, everything is a nervous

system issue, but it is my friends.

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It most certainly is.

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So if you grew up in dysfunction,

like everybody that's probably

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listening to this podcast, your body

learns something very important.

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It learn that peace equals safety.

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So now as an adult, you might find

yourself in a comfortable or steady

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relationship, and it feels calm, it

feels stable, it feels predictable.

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It doesn't feel alive.

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It doesn't feel passionate,

it doesn't feel energetic.

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It just kind of feels blah.

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So it's like your body's basically saying

to yourself, yeah, no, this is good.

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We're safe here.

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But your growth, your awareness is

like, this just isn't enough anymore.

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You want more.

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That's where the internal conflict

comes in, because one part of you

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is prioritizing safety, which makes

total sense after the way you grew up.

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And the other part is craving alignment.

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One of the most important things

that came out of the conversation

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with Karen is just because there's

an absence of conflict does not mean

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there's a presence of connection.

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I want that to sink in for a minute,

and I'm gonna say that again as I always

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do with the quotes that hit me so hard.

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Karen said it so perfectly, she said, just

because there's an absence of conflict.

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Does not mean there's the

presence of connection.

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We are human beings and

we thrive on connection.

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So many people were raised to believe

if we're not fighting, we're fine.

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That's not connection.

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That's often just coexisting

with your partner.

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And over time, that coexistence is gonna

turn and it's gonna change into things.

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It's gonna turn into resentment,

disconnection, emotional shutdown.

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It's going to turn into

anger and animosity.

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It's going to turn into those

things because the question

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keeps coming back to you.

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It's that quiet nagging question.

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Is this what I want for

the rest of my life?

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Is this what I want?

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So They come into me and they say it

and they, don't know what to do because

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they say nothing's really wrong.

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They'll say things like, he's

a good person, we don't fight.

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He is a great husband.

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There's no big issues.

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But when we slow it down and I ask them to

feel into it, to feel into the connection,

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to feel into what it feels like to

have a passionate, loving relationship,

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it's a little different there.

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There's a heaviness.

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There's this sense of I'm not

really here or nothing I do matters,

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or I just don't feel anything.

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That's the part that gets ignored and

that's the part that we really need to

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deal with because some people think it's

not dramatic enough to justify change.

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Your body knows differently.

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Your body always knows.

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So here's the teaching piece I really

wanna give you, because you know me,

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I'm always gonna give a strategy.

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I'm always gonna give a tip or trick.

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A lot of people at this point, they rush

into a decision or stay stuck for years.

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Those are your two things.

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You're either gonna rush into

something or you're gonna stay stuck.

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Karen shared a question in the episode

that I think this is one of the most

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powerful questions you can ask yourself.

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I want you to be honest with yourself.

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If you're kind of in the situation,

if the relationship improved,

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would you actually wanna stay?

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And then I want you to really sit

with that and not just sit with

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what goes through your head, but sit

what goes through your body because.

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Your answer to yourself is going

to tell you absolutely everything.

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If the answer is yes, then the

work becomes what it's missing.

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What are we doing?

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What can we do about it?

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How can we improve this relationship?

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How can we create what we thought we had

and how can we create this connection?

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But if your answer is this just

kind of nagging no, or I don't

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think so, or even if you just have

this feeling of, ah, I don't care.

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That's also information, my friends.

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That is information that you

really need to listen to.

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So if you're in this space of

not knowing what to do, here's a

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three A, a very simple three-part

process that you can use.

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First, get very specific, not just,

I'm not happy, that's not good enough.

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Ask yourself what exactly is missing.

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Is it honesty?

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Is it communication?

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Is it emotional connection?

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Is it affection?

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Is it shared values?

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Is it growth together?

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Because those things need to be

very specific because if they're

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vague, that's where you get stuck.

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You need to, have clarity in order to move

forward and make a decision either way.

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Second, check your body,

not just your thoughts.

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When you think this question,

when you think about staying.

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What happens in your body?

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Do you get anxious?

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Do you get annoyed?

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Do you get irritated?

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Do you get a fit in your stomach because

your body's gonna tell you the truth?

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What about if you think about leaving?

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What about Think about that.

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Think about, money's no object.

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other logistics matter.

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If you left, how would you feel?

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Think about that.

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How do you feel in your body?

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Do you feel lighter?

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Do you feel a little relief?

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Or do you feel ness or

shut down and tightness?

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Like what do you feel when you

ask yourself those questions or

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when you put yourself in those two

different scenarios because your

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body's gonna tell you the truth.

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And third, have the conversation

before you make the conclusion.

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So this is where most people

just get up and leave.

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Sometimes they, just go instead of

actually having the conversation,

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instead of bringing the conversation

up with your spouse and saying, this

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just isn't working for me anymore.

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Because that's gonna tell you a lot too.

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If you go to your spouse and you

say, Hey honey, it's been 25 years.

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I don't feel like we have this connection.

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I feel like we're just coexisting.

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I feel like we're not in this together.

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I need something different.

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Can we look at this?

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Something is going to give, it's gonna

go one way or the other, and that's

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gonna help you decide what's going on.

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Because if you felt this way for years

and years and years, depending on your

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spouse's reaction to that feeling, it's

gonna determine if it's even fixable.

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So how that person responds, oh

my gosh, it tells you so much.

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So if you say, this hasn't been working

for me, and I, just feel like we're

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coexisting and there's defensiveness

and there's anger and there's animosity.

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Then you don't have a lot to work with.

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But if you say to them,

Hey, this isn't working.

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I need more connection.

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I need this and I need that, and

there's empathy and there's compassion

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and there is, let's work on this

together and I'll do whatever you

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need and where are we going with this?

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Then maybe there is some room for error.

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You know, there is some

room to, to improve.

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Now, I also wanna say this because

people can also go a little sideways.

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What I don't want you to do is make a

decision in the middle of overwhelm.

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I don't want you to go compare your

relationship to someone else's and

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assume that means yours isn't working.

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And I definitely don't want you to

wait until you are completely shut

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down, resentful, and disconnected to

finally look at it, because that's

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when people either usually explode or

they check out completely, and neither

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of those places leads to clarity.

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So this is not about a rush decision.

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It's not about staying stuck either.

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It's about being honest with yourself.

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Because you deserve

more than just not bad.

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And I've been saying this in this

podcast over and over and over again.

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You deserve connection.

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You deserve joy.

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You deserve to feel like you're

actually in your life, living your

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life the way you wanna live it.

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And if you're in this space

right now, I wanna know.

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I get it.

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I've been there, girl.

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The place where you're going back and

forth in your head where you're, feeling

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guilty because there's so many people out

there that don't have a, spouse at all.

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There's people that just are completely

content with being content, and

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the answer is no right or wrong.

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The truth is, it's what's aligned for

you, and sometimes you just need a space

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to talk through it, to slow it down, to

get it outta your head and into clarity.

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So if this is something

you're navigating right now.

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I would love to help support you in this.

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Give me a call, let's chat book a,

you can book a clarity and calm call.

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links are in the show notes.

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It's no pressure, no agenda, just a

conversation to help you get clearer

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on things because I promise you so many

people are there and so many people

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don't wanna go to the people that are

around them in their immediate circle

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because there's judgment, there's There's

being angry, there's bringing in all

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of those things that are all biased.

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So I will give you an unbiased talk.

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I will be that sounding board and

let's figure out what your next, and

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let's figure out what your next step

might be, because you do not have to

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figure this out alone, I promise you.

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But like I mentioned, it is

a very hard place to be, but.

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People.

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I truly believe people come in

and out of your life for a reason,

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and if it's not the season to have

someone in your life because you are

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doing what you need to do for you.

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Then that's the way it is Now, if there

it is the season to have that person in

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your life, then that's the way it is too.

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But you have to listen to your truth.

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You have to listen to your heart, and

you have to, you really have to get in

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alignment with what feels right for you.

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So again, go back and ask

yourself those questions first.

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Have the conversation

and, and see the reaction.

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See if there's room for, for.

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Communication.

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See if there's room for whatever

you're missing because you

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can work on that together.

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That's a whole nother conversation,

but we can have that one later.

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But just kind of see, and then

ask yourself and, and really

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truly feel it in your body.

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Put yourself in the two

different scenarios.

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does staying

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And how does leaving make you feel?

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And your body is going to tell

you the honest truth because

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that's how our bodies work.

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So again, no rush decisions.

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Don't go out and listen to this

podcast and, and jump to any

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conclusions or jump to any decisions.

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These are big choices, and the

best thing I can tell you is every

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single moment of every single

day that you live your own truth.

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It's a better day for you and it's

a better day for the people around

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you because if you truly believe

you deserve happiness and joy

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and communication and connection.

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You're not getting it,

then you deserve it.

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Okay?

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That's all I wanna say, and I

will see you back next week.

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So again, if you did not listen to

the episode with Karen yesterday,

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go back and listen to it, because

this is literally what she does.

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She works with people all day

long on the question of, should

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I stay or should I go now?

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Have a blessed day.

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See you back next week.