People want to know about sex but they are a bit afraid to talk about it. Conversations around sex and its frequency tend to carry a societal taboo, but it's a topic people genuinely want to explore.

And one of the things people often ask me is how many times couples have sex. As individuals progress through different stages of life, their frequency of sex varies greatly for a wide variety of reasons.

In today's episode, we will explore what sexual frequency across the lifespan looks like and talk about the danger of comparing yourself to others.

Why do people want to know this?

People often wonder if others are experiencing similar levels of sexual desire and activity. They compare themselves to others and they want to know if they are good enough, if their sex is good enough. In a sense, they are seeking a sense of reassurance through social comparison, a tendency prevalent in today's age of social media. Social comparison is when you compare yourself to others as a way of evaluating your life.

Why how often you have sex matters.

Why does how often you have sex matter? Because sexual frequency is important to your overall well-being and to your relationship satisfaction.

One of the most frequent grievances in long-term relationships is dissatisfaction with the frequency of sexual activity. This affects both genders, contrary to common assumptions.  Typically, males are the higher desire partner but sometimes, it is the female partner. Also, women with partners with erectile dysfunction (ED) who stop having sexual activity are also unhappy.

Understanding how sexual frequency changes throughout your lifespan is important so you don't have unrealistic expectations. Research shows that most people think everyone is having more sex than they actually are. That can leave you feeling like something is wrong with your sex life.

Sex frequency in relationships.

Many believe sexual frequency declines over the life course of a relationship, especially for married couples. In truth, it fluctuates for both men and women based on their life stage, physical health, sexual attitudes, life events, day-to-day responsibilities, stress levels, overall sex drive, and the availability of sexual partners.

Happy couples in long-term relationships focus on nurturing a strong emotional connection and friendship while also prioritizing intimacy and sex. This emphasis on friendship in romantic relationships often increases feelings of attraction and sexual desire.

However, we need to approach statistics such as how often people have sex cautiously. Openly sharing numbers can sometimes harm individuals insofar as they may be misused as weapons for partners to hurt each other, and may also lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-judgment, negatively impacting self-esteem and the relationship. It can be very harmful if you learn that other people are having more sex than you if it causes you to spiral into self-judgment and shame.

It's also important to recognize that it's rare to have a couple where they both want the same level of sexual frequency. Every relationship is unique and how much sex they have and the type of sex they have varies. What is enough for you might not be enough for other sexual partners. What's important is that you and your partner talk about your sex life in a way that is respectful and honors the sexual frequency and types of sexual activity that both of you need to have sexual satisfaction.

Many people have low sexual desire because they don't enjoy the type of sex they are having especially if the focus is on sexual intercourse versus sexual acts that area pleasurable for both parters. One of the best ways to learn about what turns women on, whether you are male or female is an online organization that presents helpful info backed by research. It’s called OMGYes.

Understanding that every relationship is unique and goes through varying seasons is vital. Comparing your relationship to others can be misleading and unhelpful, as each relationship has its dynamics, and more sex doesn't equate to better quality. 

The impact of pornography

Additionally, many individuals lack knowledge on how to have fulfilling sexual experiences and mistakenly turn to pornography for education, when in fact, it's meant for entertainment. This may also cause them to compare their own sex life to what they see in pornography and believe they are lacking if they aren't engaging in the same types of sexual acts.

The lack of communication around sex leads people to form their own assumptions and conclusions, potentially fostering misunderstandings. This is exacerbated by the early exposure to porn for many young individuals, who might mistakenly perceive it as a source of education rather than entertainment. The absence of proper guidance and conversation about healthy sexual relationships can set people up for challenges in their future experiences.

Declining sexual frequency in America.

Americans are experiencing a decline in sexual frequency, primarily due to two major factors. One factor is the rising number of individuals who lack a steady sexual partner, and the other is a decrease in the overall frequency of sexual encounters or sexual intercourse with their partners. This decrease is influenced by both the decrease in the number of steady partners and a decrease in sexual activity with those partners. 

Recent data shows that compared to previous years, Americans are engaging in sex less frequently. Interestingly, young adults, particularly those in their twenties, are notably experiencing what has been coined a "sex recession" where they are having less sex than their counterparts in previous generations. The research also highlights a significant increase in abstinence rates among young adults compared to Generation X at the same age. 

Contrary to the prevalent notion of increased casual sexual encounters facilitated by dating apps, there has been a surprising 14% drop in casual sex among young adults between 2007 and 2017, a trend that defies the expectations considering the evolving openness towards sexuality in society. The dynamics of sexual behavior are evolving, presenting an intriguing shift in societal norms and behaviors.

In the past two decades, Americans have experienced a decline in sexual activity frequency. Between 2010 and 2014, individuals engaged in sexual activity 54 times a year, compared to 60 times a year between 1989 and 1994. The decline in sexual frequency is linked to an 8% decrease in marriages during the same timeframe, highlighting the impact of a lack of a steady partner on overall sexual engagement. 

On the other hand, a study in 2019 involving 35,000 British individuals revealed that about half of those in committed relationships engaged in sexual activity less than once a week. Notably, even though the sexual frequency of younger generations has dropped, they remain the age group with the highest levels of sexual activity.

Sexual frequency in different age ranges.

Research studies show that sexual frequency varies across different age groups. For individuals aged 18 to 29, the average is about twice a week or 112 times a year. In the 30s, it decreases to 89 times a year, approximately 1.65 times per week. 

Moving into the 40s, it's 69 times a year, about 1.3 times per week. In the 50s and 60s, it declines to about 24 times a year or twice a month, and over 70, it averages about 11 times a year. These are averages, and individual experiences vary, but there's a noticeable downward trend in sexual frequency with age.

As couples transition to the empty nest phase, a newfound sense of freedom and flexibility emerges, allowing them to redirect attention to each other and personal interests. However, this period can unveil potential disconnection, particularly if the couple didn't intentionally foster their relationship and cultivate love and friendship.

Conversely, those who invested in maintaining their bond tend to enhance their intimacy and sexual activity during this stage. Aging also introduces health challenges, prompting couples to redefine their approach to intimacy, shifting from a more physical focus to adapting to evolving circumstances.

Sexual frequency by age.

Based on survey data on the sexual frequency of American adults, the following are some general numbers about sex frequency.

• 18-29: about 2X per week (112 times per year)
• 30’s: 86 times per year - a little over 1.5X per week
• 40’s: 69 times per year. (1.3 X per week)
• 50’s and 60’s: about 24 times per year or 2x per month
• Over 70: about 11 times per year

Aging and sexual frequency in therapy.

Navigating sexual health as we age is vital for a healthy sexual relationship. Sex therapy and guidance from a sex therapist can assist in understanding sexual desires, attitudes, and acts. Addressing how much sex, scheduling sex, and maintaining sexual intimacy with changing dynamics is crucial.

Married couples, like anyone, aim for a satisfying sexual relationship by discussing sex openly. Exploring oral sex and other forms of sexual encounters becomes a part of this journey. Understanding sexual attraction and the role of sexual partners can aid in fostering a fulfilling sexually active life. In this context, sexual medicine offers solutions for issues such as pain, dryness and erectile dysfunction, thus promoting overall sexual well-being.

The frequency of intimacy in a relationship isn't a one-size-fits-all measure—it's about prioritizing quality over quantity. Intimacy extends beyond just the frequency of intercourse; it involves various forms of bonding, like cooking together or engaging in each other's interests. 

Emotional intimacy plays a crucial role, where sharing activities and validating each other's passions deepen the connection. For women, feeling close emotionally often paves the way to wanting sexual intimacy, while for men, sexual intimacy can enhance feelings of love. Ultimately, sharing activities fosters a stronger relationship and friendship, nurturing a deeper connection between partners.

Sexual frequency and quality in relationships.

As couples age, successful relationships prioritize pleasure and connection over the frequency or intensity of sexual experiences. Shifting the focus towards creating enjoyable and meaningful moments rather than solely emphasizing physical aspects of sex is key. 

Starting this approach early in life yields significant benefits for one's sexual well-being. Age-related changes, like menopause and reduced testosterone levels, can impact sexual experiences, but satisfaction with a less active sex life is entirely possible. Research highlights that around 46% of older individuals are content with their current sexual experiences. Couples who adapt by redefining their view of sex, moving away from a rigid sexual intercourse-centric approach to embracing pleasure and emotional connection, often sustain satisfaction and happiness in their sexual intimacy over time.

Sexual frequency does not necessarily equate to sexual satisfaction in relationships. Quality of the sexual experience, how it's perceived, and the emotional connection with a partner matter more than the frequency. The focus should be on how both individuals feel during the intimate moments, their engagement, and mutual satisfaction. 

Maintaining a phenomenal sex life is possible even if your sexual frequency doesn't align with averages or declines as one gets older. It's essential to not let comparisons or societal expectations harm one's self-esteem or relationship. That is why it is best to understand what type of sexual encounter brings satisfaction and motivates further intimacy. 

Important last thoughts

Sexual frequency is not an indicator of sexual satisfaction. It’s more about the quality of the sex you have, and that’s not just what you do, but how you do it and whether or not both of you are into it while you are having sex versus going through the motions. Don’t spiral into sadness or use this information as a weapon against your partner.

If you feel like you're having sex less, ask yourself if the type of sex you’re having is worth wanting, and if not, what would sex that’s worth wanting look like for you. And if you and your partner continue to have a big desire gap in the sexual frequency or type of sexual behavior you enjoy, it might be time to consider sex therapy to help you navigate any sexual issues.

How to find a Certified Sex Therapist.

Your sexual needs and desires matter. AASECT.org is the board that certifies sex therapists in the United States. Their website has a list of certified sex therapists so you can find one in your area.

Becoming a certified sex therapist involves undergoing periodic training that exposes individuals to a wide array of sexual expressions. This training encompasses diverse scenarios, including individuals with physical disabilities engaging in sexual activity, encounters with sex workers, and viewing videos featuring aging individuals or those with different fetishes. 

The objective is to normalize these experiences and reactions, equipping therapists to handle such situations comfortably when working with clients who present these concerns. This approach challenges societal perceptions, particularly regarding older adults engaging in sexual activity, and fosters a more comprehensive understanding of sexual experiences throughout a person's lifespan.

It's never just sex. Our sexual health is much more encompassing.

Learn how to ignite the passion in your relationship by checking out my free resource: 69 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life.